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Phil: Chelsea.
Chelsea: So I know we've all had
our fair share of bad relationships,
whether it be you're not compatible with that person
or you've hooked yourself a stalker.
People don't tend to realize
that getting into the relationship
is actually the easy part.
It's getting out of the relationship
that takes a little more finesse.
It may be difficult to do, but it is doable.
And today, I'm gonna teach you three great techniques
to getting out of a creepy relationship.
I'm gonna teach you all how to avoid someone properly,
lie to someone effectively, and be honest.
Okay...this is my lovely assistant.
She's going to be helping me.
I'm going to show you how to break up using her.
Now, to avoid someone.
Usually, when you're avoiding someone,
it's not someone you're in an actual relationship.
It's just somebody... you maybe went to a party.
And you gave 'em your number, and you really didn't mean to.
And now, they're texting you and calling you nonstop.
And you want them to leave you alone.
Now, there's some easy tricks to getting rid of them
without really hurting their feelings.
Now, this is a cell phone.
And when they call you nonstop, I'm gonna teach you something.
Do not press the ignore button,
or otherwise known as the hater button.
That is bad.
Then, they know that you're on,
and they know that you have seen them call you.
Do yourself a favor.
Answer the phone.
Put on your best automated voice and say,
"The caller you're trying to reach is unavailable."
And hang up.
Now, if they Myspace you, or Facebook you,
or anything like that,
just do yourself a favor and say, "I'm sorry.
"I had to stop paying for my phone,
'cause I can't afford it."
And then block them.
Simple as that, but it is effective.
Now, to lie to somebody.
I know you're all probably thinking lying is awful,
and not pure of heart, and whatever.
But I'm gonna tell you,
if you don't think of it as lying,
it's not lying.
Yeah...okay.
Um...now, when you lie, just remember it to be...
extreme, but believable, so they leave you alone.
Will you please come up here, Alexis?
I'm gonna teach you all the best lie
that I've ever heard in my entire life.
It truly works.
Make sure you use a very stern and sad face while you do this.
Call your partner over and say,
"It's very urgent I need to speak to you."
Okay, so there's a knock on my door,
and now, I need to talk to you.
Look, some stuff just happened up the road at the bank,
and I can't talk about it right now very much.
But I need to get out of the country.
I'm gonna hop the border into Canada,
and I'm gonna be there.
I need you to do me a favor
and delete my number out of your phone.
Pretend like you do not know me.
It's for my safety.
You're protecting me.
Thank you.
This is so hard for me... okay, get out.
[audience laughing]
Simple as that, but it's effective.
And people always ask me,
"Well, what if you run into that person at the store
or something like that?"
Just say to yourself, you're not that person.
You're their twin.
Come up to me and say,
"Oh, Chelsea, you're back in town!"
Alexis: Oh, Chelsea, you're back in town!
Chelsea: Oh, you know where Chelsea's at?
I'm her twin sister, Sarah!
[crying sounds]
And run away.
Easy.
And they're gone.
Outta your hair, forever.
Okay, and now, this is my personal, favorite thing to do.
Honesty.
You need to be blunt with that person,
but sympathetic, so they don't go crazy.
Now, this is a great sympathy face.
And you need to do that while you're being honest with them.
Um...a couple of lines that I've heard throughout the years.
My favorite one, "It's not me; it's you."
That always works.
You could always say to that person, um...
"We've had some good times.
"Okay, now, I take that back.
You had some good times, but it's over."
That's a good one.
And the simple way that is really popular right now.
It's really, really in with the cool kids,
is to just say, "It's over."
It works, and they'll be gone.
Outta your hair, forever.
But, um...I think it's a little extreme,
and sometimes, breakups do get a little extreme.
Um...you need to have your person...
your boyfriend or girlfriend, the weirdo, come to you and...
You need to be honest with them.
Stern...give them the sympathy face.
Remember.
But you need to be very stern.
So...I'm gonna break up with you using honesty.
Look, if you don't leave me alone,
seriously, I'm gonna press charges.
[audience laughing]
Simple, and it works.
And, um...another good one is,
uh...I think it's illegal for you to try to kill my cat
to stuff to give to me for our one-week anniversary.
That's never cool.
That's not okay.
Simple, again, and it's over.
And, uh...just make sure that
if that person does go psychopath on you,
move to Delaware.
They will never find you there.
And that's not so simple, but you know,
sometimes, you get a real, real, real weird one.
Now, I'm really, really hoping
that none of you all will ever have
to actually use any of these techniques,
because you really did actually hook yourself a real stalker.
It's really awful, I'm telling you.
It's no fun.
So just make sure you're always careful
with who you decide to date.
But I really do hope that
if you guys do end up with a creeper,
that you... your new knowledge
of how to avoid someone, and lie to someone,
and be honest with someone will all help you get out
of that really creepy relationship.
[audience applauding]