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KYLE MOONEY: Live from Los Angeles, California, all the
dreams come true, the Big Live Comedy one with Eric Andre,
Beardyman, Hannibal Buress, Jerrod Carmichael, Shane
Dawson, Jon Dore, Epic Rap Battles of History, The Fine
Brothers, Dax Flame, Garfunkel and Oates, The Gregory
Brothers, Pete Holmes, The Key of Awesome, Kyle Kinane, Lil
Bub, The Lonely Island, Jack McBrayer, Harley Morenstein
Rhett and Link, Seth Rogen, Jeff Ross, Sarah Silverman,
Smosh, Three Loco, Tim and Eric, Toby Turner, Tummy Talk,
Vince Vaughn, Reggie Watts, Justin Willman, Owen Wilson,
Workaholics Adam Devine and Blake Anderson, Fidlar.
She's been called the voice of a
generation by Doodoo Magazine.
Please welcome Sarah Silverman.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Come on, there's a lot of show.
There's a lot of show, all right?
Hey, everybody.
It's me, your friendly neighborhood Sarah Silverman.
And I'm here to say, welcome to the
Internet, the Wild West.
You always hear people say that, right?
The Internet is like the Wild West.
That's because it is, all right?
It's totally unregulated.
So I thought it would be cool to see just how far we could
go without any consequences.
What do you think?
All right.
Well, for starters, I know that it's highly illegal to
impersonate a federal employee, all right?
Oh ***, look at me.
I am a mail man, you guys.
I swear to God.
I swear to God, I am a mail man.
I deliver mail for the United States Postal Service.
I cover the 03110 zip code of Bedford, New Hampshire.
And oh ***, look at this, special delivery, y'all.
Candy.
Looks like Snickers.
[APPLAUSE]
SETH ROGEN: How's it going?
Good to see you.
SARAH SILVERMAN: What's up?
SETH ROGEN: I want in on this.
This looks fun.
I want in on this action.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Yeah, let's do it.
SETH ROGEN: Yeah.
I need in.
I want in.
SARAH SILVERMAN: What do you got?
SETH ROGEN: Tell you what I've got.
I got a bootlegged copy, pirated, "Star Trek Into
Darkness." If the FBI knows we watched this, we get five
years right away.
Let's watch this.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Let's do it.
SETH ROGEN: Nice.
Let's shove it in there.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Perfect.
SETH ROGEN: Sure, boom.
SARAH SILVERMAN: All right, it's in.
SETH ROGEN: OK, Play.
Nice, it's working.
I love this.
Greatest logo ever.
Here we go.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Bad Robot!
SETH ROGEN: Oh, it's working.
This is great.
*** eat my ***, FBI.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Well said, friend-o.
SETH ROGEN: Thank you very much.
This is so much much.
What else can we do?
It's so much fun.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Yeah, of course it's fun.
It's like we can do anything here.
It's delicious cyber anarchy.
SETH ROGEN: It really is.
ARMEN WEITZMAN: Here's your coffee, Mrs. Silverman.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh, thank you, Armen.
ARMEN WEITZMAN: Thanks.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Armen, wait, let me give you a tip.
ARMEN WEITZMAN: Oh, thank you, a tip.
SARAH SILVERMAN: You're a good guy, right?
ARMEN WEITZMAN: Yeah.
SARAH SILVERMAN: You're a sweet heart of a guy.
ARMEN WEITZMAN: Thank you.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Eat it.
Eat a *** ***.
SETH ROGEN: Oh my God!
SARAH SILVERMAN: Eat a *** ***.
SETH ROGEN: Oh God.
Oh Jesus!
SARAH SILVERMAN: Eat a ***, FBI!
SETH ROGEN: No, no, no, no.
Jesus, Sarah, no.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Suck my ***!
SETH ROGEN: No, the FBI should not eat a ***.
He's dead.
You just killed a production assistant.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh, what is this? "The
Guild Trip" part deux?
SETH ROGEN: OK, ha ha ha.
SARAH SILVERMAN: What is this? "The Guilt Trip"
too boring too watch?
SETH ROGEN: OK, Sarah, I'm serious.
Jesus Christ.
A man is dead now.
SARAH SILVERMAN: (MOCKING) A man is--
SETH ROGEN: He's dead.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh.
Oh my God.
SETH ROGEN: Yeah.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh no.
Oh no.
***, oh ***, kid, wake up.
Oh God.
I'm sorry.
SETH ROGEN: Oh, Jesus.
That's not going to--
SARAH SILVERMAN: Why are you bleeding?
Oh ***.
SETH ROGEN: It's not going to work.
I have to call the cops now, Sarah.
I've got to--
SARAH SILVERMAN: No.
No.
Don't call the cops.
SETH ROGEN: I have to call the cops.
SARAH SILVERMAN: No.
Then I have to do this.
SETH ROGEN: No, Sarah, don't, don't.
Chill out.
Don't do something you'll regret, OK?
SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh, don't do something I'll regret?
SETH ROGEN: Yes.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Don't do something I'll regret?
Seth, don't you think it's a little too *** late for
that, you graveling, throw it in, laughing ***?
[YELLING]
SETH ROGEN: Sarah, oh, you ***!
SARAH SILVERMAN: Whoa.
That stung.
That really--
you know, it's just so misogynistic.
I guess everybody has like their trigger words?
That was my trigger word.
SETH ROGEN: Well, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm sorry, OK?
SARAH SILVERMAN: No problem.
Listen, we're here testing boundaries.
That's what we're here for.
And I guess we found our ceiling, you know?
SETH ROGEN: The ceiling is ***.
The *** ceiling.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Infamous *** ceiling.
SETH ROGEN: The *** ceiling.
Oh, ***.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh God.
Well, now we know.
And I'm so sorry I stabbed you.
That was ***.
SETH ROGEN: It's OK.
At least you didn't slit my throat and kill me, you know?
SARAH SILVERMAN: Good point.
SETH ROGEN: Good point.
I think you made the good point into his trachea, right?
SARAH SILVERMAN: You are so good with world play.
SETH ROGEN: Thank you.
I try, I try.
SARAH SILVERMAN: I'm so glad we're friends.
SETH ROGEN: I am too, Sarah.
This is great.
What do you say we get the show started, huh?
SARAH SILVERMAN: Great idea, Seth.
SETH ROGEN: Awesome.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, hold in all your
pee and poo and put your hands together for the world's
premiere video of the new Lonely Island
song, Diaper Money.
THE LONELY ISLAND: We've been here for a minute now.
This some grown man ***.
I've got that diaper money.
I've got that diaper money, dude.
I've got that diaper money.
I'm a grown *** man.
I know I got that diaper money 'cause my kids need to ***.
So I stay on my hustle to keep my pocketbook thick.
I got papers and papers and papes all
for my baby's mistakes.
Just sold my car for some drapes.
Don't get *** on 'em.
I've got that diaper money.
I've got that diaper money, dude.
I've got that diaper money.
I'm a grown *** man.
I've got that wife ***.
I've got that wife ***.
I've got that wife ***.
I've got that *** on lock.
I've got that wife *** on lock 24/7.
Whenever she lets me, I'm in same *** heaven.
And the best part about it is no one else can have it.
And also, I can't have it, unless she says I can.
See a girl on the street, man, I can't, so I won't.
See my wife at home, and I would, but she hates my guts.
Wife ***, I've got that wife ***.
I've got that wife ***.
I've got that *** on lock.
I've got that grave plot.
I've got that grave plot.
I've got that grave plot.
It's right off the highway.
Wobbedy wobbedy wobbedy drop into my grave plot.
You afraid of death?
Well, I'm afraid not.
Because I got the bomb spot right off the highway.
I did it my way, a very small percent of the dime way.
I've got my coffin picked out.
Styrofoam painted like wood, tricked out.
It's even got handles to lower me smooth.
And my tombstone only has minimal typos.
Grave plot, I've got that grave plot.
I've got that grave plot, right next to my dad.
I've got that diaper money.
I've got that wife ***.
I've got that grave plot.
I'm a grown *** man.
[APPLAUSE]
All right, spring break, do you know what time it is?
I'm going to need all the hot girls to come on
the stage right now.
Fellas, let me hear you make some noise.
Kings of the ***, pounding on brewskies.
Banging chicks right there in the sand.
Bros before hoes and chicks with no clothes and slamming
shots and marry a man.
Who wanna do a shot?
We do.
I'm going to get *** up.
Me too.
We came for a week.
We the kings of the beach.
T-shirt, see through.
Cancun, party down.
Lauderdale, another round.
Havasu, crack a brew.
Marry a man.
Cranks when you're passed out, jokes about roofies.
Making girls kiss, marry a man.
Giant sombreros, show us your ***.
Creatine shakes, marry a man.
Oh ***, I'm too *** up.
Puke and rally, that's what's up.
*** cruise, raise your glass.
Snort that coke off her ***.
Two chicks at the dance hall, take it to the dance stall.
Trade these beads for their bras.
So-Co in my canteen, got girls jumping on trampoline.
Two men bound by the law.
*** motel rooms, clogging up toilets.
Beer goggles if she's a hag.
Planning the menu, picking out flowers.
Nailing *** and writing our vows.
Down here, it's our time.
Spring breakers, let's get *** up.
Then find Mr. Right and get monogamous.
Picking our invite font as a twosome, something tasteful
but not too bland.
Seating arrangements, charming the in-laws.
Ripping beer pong, sex with a man.
We'll be so happy, true love forever.
Two kings walking hand in hand.
Promise to cherish, trust, and respect him, crushing ***,
marry a man.
Spring break.
T-Pain.
Aw, ***.
Get your tails ready.
It's about to go down.
Everybody in the front to the *** deck.
Stand on your *** toes.
We running this, let's go.
I'm on a bat.
I'm on a boat, everybody.
Look at me, 'cause I'm sailing on a boat.
I'm on a boat.
I'm on a boat.
Take a good, hard look at the *** boat.
T-PAIN: Yeah, yeah.
I never thought I'd be on a boat.
It's a big, blue watery road.
Poseidon, look at me.
THE LONELY ISLAND: All hands on deck.
T-PAIN: I never thought I'd see the day when a big boat
coming my way.
Believe me when I say, I *** a mermaid.
THE LONELY ISLAND: I'm on a boat.
I'm on a boat.
Everybody look at me, because I'm sailing on a boat.
I'm on a boat.
I'm on a boat.
So take a good, hard look at the *** boat.
[APPLAUSE]
FATAL FARM: No thanks, no thank you.
MALE SPEAKER: I do a really good job.
FATAL FARM: Really, I'm not interested.
OK?
[ENGINE REVS]
He just flew away.
KYLE MOONEY: This next act, no, this next act isn't--
oh, sorry.
I messed up.
You know, this next act isn't what I had for breakfast.
It's Garfunkel and Oates.
I didn't know if that-- was it still me?
GARFUNKEL AND OATES: Hi.
What's up, guys, how are you?
So in this song, we play the same woman two years apart.
I'm 29.
And I'm 31.
So same woman, two years apart, singing about love.
This song is called 29 31.
For the first time in my life, I see it clearly.
I realize the power of being a woman.
29 years old and time's on my side.
I'm in my prime.
I've hit my stride.
I've got so much charisma and so many options.
It's nice to always have my pick.
There's nobody left.
I'm all alone.
I'm at the top of my game.
Possibilities are endless.
And I just feel really pretty.
I'm holding out for someone who meets my standards.
Won't settle for anything less than perfect.
I know what I want.
And I can have it.
I'm surrounded by love and peace.
There's nobody left.
I'm all alone.
Why did I wait?
What's wrong with me?
In two short years, I'm going to be 33.
Who the hell will want me then?
My ovaries are shrinking.
I'm disgusting and everyone feels bad for me.
And I never get invited to dinner parties anymore.
Things unfold when they're supposed to, because
everything happens for a reason.
It'll happen for me when I'm not even looking.
He'll just appear, and I'll just know.
And he'll love me forever without any work.
Who needs to try when things are meant to be?
There's nobody left.
I'm a catch, just look at me.
I'm all alone.
You're such a *** idiot.
You think you're so special because people tell you that
now, but that'll stop when they're replaced
with looks of pity.
My life complete.
The world is a buffet of love.
Oh, what?
You think biological reality doesn't apply to you in your
adorable cocoon of agelessness?
Well, it does.
While you're just waiting around and focusing on you,
guess what?
You're going to miss your *** window.
Everything happens for a reason.
You know I truly believe that.
Yeah, you said that before.
Oh my God, it does though.
Everything happens for a reason.
What about the Haitian earthquake or cellulite on
skinny women?
Just say, hey universe, I'm ready.
It'll happen when you least expect it.
Well, I don't expect it at all now.
So I guess it's right around the corner.
Maybe you're putting out the wrong vibe.
Maybe you're closed off to love.
Let me tell you a secret.
It's called the secret.
There's another secret.
You're an ***.
Your negativity is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The reason things go well for me is because of positivity.
Well, I'm positive fertility always begins to atrophy when
infantile fantasy eclipses true reality.
It never once occurred to me that things
won't work out perfectly.
When God closes a door, you see, he opens a window.
You realize that's a smaller opening, right?
You used to just be able to walk out a door, and now you
have to climb out some slightly ajar window
somewhere, possibly falling like eight
stories to your death.
That is not an upgrade.
You know what else?
There's nobody left!
So many people on the planet.
I'm all alone!
Oh my God!
I'm really lonely!
I'm so happy, I'm really happy.
Everthing really sucks on this side.
Ahhh!
You get with someone else, do you love yourself?
You get with someone else, do you love youself?
'Cause life is--
good.
Over.
Thanks, everybody.
Thanks, guys.
We would now like to bring out the next comedian.
Please welcome the voice of the eTrade baby, Pete Holmes.
PETE HOLMES: There's a Snickers right there.
Do you want a Snickers?
You put your hand out very entitled like.
There you go.
Someone stepped on it.
Good to see you.
Good to be here.
I'm feeling pretty good.
Thank you.
Yeah, all right, just general enthusiasm, I appreciate that.
I'm feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I ate at
Subway for lunch.
Yeah, no I know, I feel that.
We all eat there.
It's always crowded.
But it is garbage.
Don't back away.
I'm probably going there after the show.
It's also horrible.
It's the worst thing in the world.
And you know that.
You know when you're in line at Subway, part of you is
looking forward to your sandwich.
But in the back of your brain, you're just like, something
*** up is happening here.
Can't quite put my finger on it.
But the call is coming from inside the house.
It's bad.
You know this.
Everything at Subway tastes the same.
It all tastes the way the restaurant smells--
that vague, cardboard, sawdust smell.
Everything, it doesn't matter what you order, a sandwich,
your soda, the receipt, it's saturated in that smell.
And they do it in front of you.
That's their big idea, like you're a king.
Choose from the bounty.
'Tis been a good year.
More orange tomatoes, my liege?
And they shouldn't.
Have you ever, for the love of God, been in the Subway when
they run out of turkey?
They don't just flick the lights off, perfect blackness,
flick them back on, and have more turkey.
That's what they should do.
What they do do is reach down into the bowels of hell,
making unbreaking eye contact like a college freshman
playing Hey There Delilah on the acoustic, just looking
through you.
And they pull out another shrink wrapped plastic tube of
turkey, with all the pieces the exact same size, laser cut
like coasters, with a fake skin airbrushed on the side.
They cut it out with that little yellow knife.
Satan's *** air is released.
They're just like, three disgusting pieces.
We're just schmucks.
Like oh, could I get double meat?
They're like, yeah, peeling them off like ones from
Satan's bank roll, everything sitting on those black, open
air, S&M containers.
You can see your reflection in the wet ham.
It's gross.
You shouldn't be able to watch someone make something so
disgusting.
Bring it from the back.
That's what the back is for.
If this is what they're doing in the front, what the hell
are they doing in the back?
Just shaving a gorilla, like, new low fat gorilla bread.
Jared's naked up to here in marinara.
Eat fresh.
You can write your own meatballs joke.
I can't do everything.
Very excited, there's magicians on this show.
Did you know that?
Did you know you're going to see magic?
I'm stoked.
I love magic.
But I am very, very grateful that I'm not a magician.
Have you ever taken a moment to be grateful that you're not
a magician?
I can come out and be like look, I stepped on a Snickers.
You want it, you entitled person?
I can do whatever I want.
I'm just a hammy guy, it's fine.
A magician has to be magic.
Are you listening?
Magic, the thing that none of us are.
That is a lot of pressure.
Backstage, you're just some regular guy named Verne,
eating nachos.
Like yeah, it's a pretty good house.
Pretty good, yeah.
The food's half off, my parents are here.
Putting a bird in your sleeve.
It's going to be a good show.
And they're like, ladies and gentleman, Excelsior.
You're like, excuse me.
Covered in silk, like I was born on the tip of a pyramid.
Owls landing on you.
You're just *** Verne, the nacho guy.
And comedy audiences are great.
You guys want the show to be good.
Magic is the only kind of entertainment where 99% of the
audience is trying to ruin the show for themselves.
Go to a magic show, just a sea of close minded, threatened
dudes that are just like, no.
No way.
That ain't possible.
It's probably a mirror, right?
It's a mirror.
You can't saw her in half.
***'s illegal.
Yeah, you did it.
You proved what no one else was trying to prove.
The boy on stage isn't actually a wizard.
Good job.
It cost you $35 to get in here.
Not me, I love magic.
Look at my friendly, open face.
I sit in the front.
You think I volunteer?
You're *** right I volunteer.
Magician drops a fake thumb, I didn't see ***.
I live in a non-magic world all day.
Make it magic.
I saw a man fly at a magic show.
I didn't misspeak.
I saw a man fly.
A wingless mammal took flight.
Can you imagine if I flew right now?
If I could just figure out the muscle in my *** to flex?
I pick *** Snickers girl up, and we
fly around the room?
Best night of our lives.
And I saw this.
And suddenly, I'm eight years old again.
And I'm filled with majesty and wonder.
And as I'm watching this man fly, a guy next to me, I don't
know this guy, who's this guy, leans over to me and goes,
it's a magnet.
Magnet.
No man can fly.
Magnet.
Two things.
First of all, shut up.
Shut your mouth, and just enjoy the show.
Two, magnet?
That doesn't explain ***.
What does that mean, magnets?
He's got magnets in his pocket?
The stage is a magnet?
That would look horrible.
I think those are just two things he doesn't understand.
Like, I don't get magnets, and I don't get this.
This is magnets.
Thank you very much, everybody.
That's my time.
Appreciate that, appreciate it.
We're going to keep this going.
I've got to tell you, this show is so great that even our
warm up guy is one of my absolute favorite comedians.
Is he in the house?
Steven Brody Stevens.
Brody!
Yes.
Energy.
BRODY STEVENS: You got it.
PETE HOLMES: Brody has a show coming out on Comedy Central.
It's going to be Comedy Central's first drama.
Brody, I've got to tell you, I'm very excited about it.
BRODY STEVENS: Me too.
Very excited.
PETE HOLMES: He doesn't have a mic, but we
can still hear him.
Push, yes.
All right, everybody.
Let's keep this going.
You ready for more show?
These next guys are the Blue Man Group of slapping their
fat friend.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tummy Talk.
Tummy Talk!
These guys have an addiction, because it's a Workaholics.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Blake
Anderson and Adam DeVine.
ADAM DEVINE: YouTube.
YouTube.
There he is, Denzel Washington's here.
BLAKE ANDERSON: Denzel Washington.
ADAM DEVINE: Denzel Washington's here.
Will Smith's here.
A lot of stars.
What's up?
Let's get weird.
Let's get weird.
Yeah.
BLAKE ANDERSON: Actually, more like, let's get cute.
All right?
Let's get really cute tonight, guys.
Because we've been asked to host the 2013
YouTube Cute Off.
ADAM DEVINE: Yep.
BLAKE ANDERSON: Yeah.
Yeah.
ADAM DEVINE: I'm actually a little butt hurt that they
didn't ask me to be a participant in the Cute Off.
Because I feel like I've been looking really cute lately.
BLAKE ANDERSON: He has.
He looks *** really cute.
ADAM DEVINE: No, I know.
I'm looking really *** cute.
I know that about myself.
BLAKE ANDERSON: Really *** cute, man.
Very cute.
But let's introduce our competitors.
ADAM DEVINE: Sure.
BLAKE ANDERSON: First, from outer space, weighing in at
four pounds, Lil Bub.
Look at his eyeballs.
ADAM DEVINE: Oh my God, he's so cute.
Oh my God, he's so cute.
And his opponent, from Conyers,
Georgia, weighing in at--
I feel that's rude to ask.
BLAKE ANDERSON: It is a little bit.
ADAM DEVINE: Because he could be in a
chubby phase right now.
Maybe he doesn't want people to know how much he weighs.
BLAKE ANDERSON: True.
ADAM DEVINE: Let's give it up for Lil
Jack McBrayer, everybody.
Oh my God, he's so cute.
BLAKE ANDERSON: OK, OK, OK.
Very cute.
ADAM DEVINE: So cute.
BLAKE ANDERSON: Very cute.
Round One.
Give us your most adorable face, go.
ADAM DEVINE: Adorable face off, go!
Lil Bub, oh my God, that is cute.
Oh, look, he's so tiny.
His tongue's out.
His eyes are huge.
That is so cute.
Cute overload.
BLAKE ANDERSON: Oh my God.
ADAM DEVINE: Oh my God.
Oh!
Oh, he's so *** cute.
He's so cute.
BLAKE ANDERSON: Oh man, this is going to be tough.
I don't know which one to shoot.
ADAM DEVINE: Please don't--
you don't shoot them.
Let's just move on to the next round.
And that next round, dare I say it, overall cuteness.
Go!
[SCREAMING]
Oh, I don't know, I don't know which is cuter.
Oh!
Oh my God.
He's so cute, a lollipop!
Oh my God.
BLAKE ANDERSON: I don't know, this is really tough.
Maybe we should make them do something.
ADAM DEVINE: I don't know if that's possible.
They're both cats.
You can't just make cats do whatever you want.
Except, I don't know, this is just a genius move that I just
thought of and had them preplan, maybe--
play with yarn.
BLAKE ANDERSON: I like that idea.
ADAM DEVINE: Play with yarn!
Oh my God, that is so cute.
He doesn't know what to do with the yarn.
Lil Bub's a little disinterested.
Will that count against him?
Will that count against him?
Lil Bub doesn't seem to want to play with the yarn.
BLAKE ANDERSON: How are was supposed to pick a winner?
Aww!
ADAM DEVINE: Did he just die?
BLAKE ANDERSON: Oh man, they are just both so
unbelievably cute.
How are we going to pick a winner?
ADAM DEVINE: Well, I don't know.
I feel like we have to.
Let's deliberate real quick, just me and you.
BLAKE ANDERSON: I like his tongue.
His tongue's cute too, though.
ADAM DEVINE: He also has a very cute tongue.
OK, you know what?
OK, only one could win.
And the winner we choose won our hearts despite having
heart worms.
The winner of the 2013 YouTube Cute Off and a year's supply
of Fancy Feast is Lil Jack McBrayer, everybody.
Congratulations.
What a cutie.
JACK MCBRAYER: Thank you.
Thank you very much.
But you know I'm not really a cat.
[SCREAMING]
BLAKE ANDERSON: It's a talking cat!
ADAM DEVINE: It's a talking cat!
BLAKE ANDERSON: It's a talking cat!
ADAM DEVINE: It's a talking cat.
BLAKE ANDERSON: We're going viral.
We're going viral.
MALE SPEAKER: I'm a huge fan of you guys, I
just wanted to say.
ADAM DEVINE: Thank you guys so much.
Thanks for tuning in.
Pyrotechnics start now.
FEMALE SPEAKER: [INAUDIBLE] have the confidence to say no.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
THE FINE BROTHERS: Hi.
We're the Fine Brothers.
For those of you who don't know us, we have a YouTube
channel where we produce a whole ton of different shows.
One of those shows is called Spoiler Alert, where we spoil
the endings of movies, TV shows, YouTube videos, and
more, all in one take and under a
certain amount of minutes.
Like, we'll ruin the endings of 100 horror
movies in four minutes.
Now that you get it, consider yourselves warned.
Last night, we stole the script to this show.
So we're about to spoil the rest of tonight's festivities
by giving away all the surprises the other acts have
in store for you.
In one take.
In under one minute.
Starting now.
Betty White gets shot out of a cannon.
Russell Brand premiers his new scarf.
Ryan Gosling finally eats all that cereal people have been
wanting him to eat.
Zach Galifianakis reveals his downstairs beard.
Kim Jong performs his new single, the Jong Song, Jong
Jong, Jong Jong Jong Jong.
Weird Al sings his version of Passion Pit's "Carried Away"
called "Married and Gay."
After taking over two movie franchises, JJ Abrams will
start an Arby's franchise and change his name to JJ Arby's.
David Blaine levitates using only the power of his mind.
John Hamm levitates using only the power of his ***.
Amanda Bynes premiers the trailer of the documentary
she's been filming all this time,
directed by Joaquin Phoenix.
Someone makes a joke about Angelina Jolie
that is far too soon.
Zooey Deschanel gets bullied for being too adorkable.
We get beat up by Zooey Deschanel at the after party
for making that stupid joke.
Everyone on this list ends up hating us forever.
We never work in Hollywood ever again.
Every day, we ponder why we ever agreed to do this.
Our life loses all meaning and we wander the streets and
ultimately become homeless.
And every day, we try to lift our spirits back up by
watching baby sloth videos through the windows at a Best
Buy to no avail.
Then we realize none of these celebrities
are even here tonight.
But here's someone who is.
Please welcome the star of his own show on
Adult Swim, Eric Andre.
ERIC ANDRE: Thank you.
Where's the mark?
Who knows.
Am I on my mark?
I was supposed to come out on a camel, but camels ***
hate people.
So I don't know if that *** up their job,
but who gives a ***.
We're all going to die one day, right, Internet?
We're all going to die.
All right, I am so high right now.
I went home to Boca Raton, Florida to visit my parents.
Yeah, Boca in the house.
Boca's where your grandparents go to die, if you don't know.
It's God's waiting room.
I went home to visit my parents.
And I text messaged this girl Kerri that I used to hook up
with back in the day.
Right when I landed, I texted her, come over.
Because I am a class act gentleman that cuts straight
to the chase.
Ladies, question mark?
And she didn't respond to that.
Come over, my *** and your *** should hang out.
She didn't respond to my subtleties.
So I wrote her again, and I was like, are you mad at me?
And then she goes, no, sorry.
I'm in Colorado with my boyfriend.
No big deal.
I didn't know she was in a different state.
I didn't know she had a boyfriend.
Pretty benign conversation, right, Asian guy
in the third row?
You know what I'm talking about?
So then, I go, come over, are you mad at me, no sorry, I'm
in Colorado with my boyfriend.
Not a big deal.
Then I get a text from a number I don't know.
Hi.
And I write, who is this?
And they go, are you a comedian?
And I'm like, yes.
Another fan, besides my mom.
Then they go, I'm Casey, Kerri's boyfriend.
Ruh roh.
And I swear to God, I'm not making this up.
I'll text each and every one of you.
Can you see that, Camera 2?
Can you see?
I'll text each and every one of you after the show.
This is a real story.
Then I'll go back to lying compulsively right afterwards.
So I'm Casey, Kerri's boyfriend.
I got a joke for you.
This guy keeps bothering my girlfriend to the point where
I get involved.
Want to know the punchline?
Keep it up.
You'll find out.
Swear to God this is a real conversation happening between
two people.
You're the most beautiful woman I've
ever seen in my life.
You know what I'm talking about.
So then I write back to the guy.
I go, what are you, dude, a bad guy from a spring break
movie from the '80s?
Because who in the *** talks like that?
See you on the K12, Myer.
So then he writes all this *** back.
Eric, I'm normally a pretty civil guy.
You asking my girlfriend to come over?
That's funny.
We can go back and forth, but I'd rather not waste my time.
Leave Kerri alone.
Don't call her, don't text her.
Because you're not her friend, just a one hit
wonder from her past.
I'm willing to just forget everything, including your
name, number, et cetera.
Let's end this, dot dot dot, now.
So I just put, dot dot dot, or else.
And I was like, hey man, where you texting me from?
The Cobra Kai Dojo, you *** weirdo?
You're just a one hit wonder for her past.
That doesn't make sense in that context.
I'm sick of my girlfriend *** all these one hit
wonders, man.
She *** you.
She *** Chumbawumba.
I've had enough.
So anyway, five minutes later, I texted the
girl back, come over.
All right, thank you so much.
Good night!
Oh man.
***.
THE GREGORY BROTHERS: Carl, hey.
Welcome back from vacation.
It was amazing, man.
Eight years in the Andes.
Es paraiso.
Wow, eight years.
Our company has the best vacation policy.
Yeah, I just feel so refreshed and ready to really focus.
Be warned.
The world has changed a lot since 2005.
Check this out.
Yeah, laptops.
I had a laptop before I moved.
Did this one come with wireless?
This isn't about laptops, Carl.
Oh.
I'm talking about YouTube, Carl.
YouTube.
Could this be what I think it is?
Yes it is.
Holy moly.
But before you click, think real hard before you do that.
If you don't slow down, you could get whiplash.
What'd you say?
I was watching cute cats.
And have you seen the one with the little girl's rat?
Wait, hold up, don't go too fast.
Once you dive in, you can never turn back.
Life will never be the same now that I've
seen Chocolate Rain.
And I never knew a goat could scream like that, or the
simple pleasures of a pop-tart cat.
Oh, YouTube.
I can stay and play, watching Trololo for 10 hours straight.
That's a good one.
Oh, YouTube.
Refreshing PewDiePie's page, until we die of old age.
First you get sucked in by dubstep dance, then there's
people in the subway who wear no pants.
You might start small with a laughing baby, then you end up
singing with "Call Me Maybe"
I just got trigonometry, and how to put bacon in lasagna.
People share the life lesson of the [INAUDIBLE].
Or they just stuff things into a blender.
Life won't be the same again.
now that I can wait for all of it.
And I never even knew that pandas sneeze, or how my
eyebrows should be tweezed.
Oh, YouTube.
I can stay up late, watching drive-thru pranks
for 10 hours straight.
So addictive.
Oh, YouTube.
Refreshing Jenna Marbles's page until we die of old age.
How did we live life before we saw Gandalf versus Dumbledore?
I always wanted to know how a ninja fights.
Me too.
And what Pokemon would be like in real life.
Oh, YouTube.
I can stay up late, watching Jedi a-holes
for 10 hours straight.
Oh, YouTube.
Refreshing Lonely Island's page until we die of old age.
I could stay up late, watching Philly D and Ray, I could stay
up late, watching John and Hank.
Um, could you guys keep it down in here?
You've been singing for five years.
And there's some others who would like to use this room.
Oh, it's 2018.
I've got to go to a meeting, guys.
2018.
I'm retired.
MALE SPEAKER: All right, oh man.
There's about to be too many beards on stage.
Two whole beards.
Dang it, I like that.
What am I introducing, pirates or something?
No, I'm not.
It's Reggie Watts and Beardyman.
And make some noise.
BEARDYMAN: Quadrilangro.
REGGIE WATTS: We began [INAUDIBLE]
two years, partners here.
BEARDYMAN: This is a song of marmosets.
REGGIE WATTS: So [SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE]
BEARDYMAN: [SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE]
[LOOPS SPEECH IN SAMPLER]
REGGIE WATTS: [SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE]
BEARDYMAN: Up in monitor, please.
[SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE]
[SINGING STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS]
Reggie up in my monitor, yo.
Hey, can you feel it, yeah.
Yo, audience at home, audience in the room, make some noise.
It's like this, y'all.
So Reggie, did you enjoy that?
REGGIE WATTS: Yeah, it's a totally good jam.
All of it, live, now.
Exciting.
BEARDYMAN: It's so exciting.
It's all happening now.
It's all completely live.
None of this is [SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE]
REGGIE WATTS: [SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE]
Beardyman.
BEARDYMAN: America's [SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE]
Reggie Watts.
REGGIE WATTS: [SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE]
BEARDYMAN: [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
REGGIE WATTS: 6500 in the 30 and 6, everybody knows you be
sucking them dicks, kicking them dicks,
detaching that ***.
Put it on a plate with some other ***
that looks like dicks.
Yeah, everybody likes a ***.
The shape of a *** is unmistakable.
Take that ***, everybody knows what to
do with that ***.
Stuff it in a jar, what, come on, come on, come on.
BEARDYMAN: Yeah, that's right.
He ain't lying, but I'm frying my brain.
Every day it's insane.
All I do is open up my head, take out my cranium, put it on
some bread.
Yeah, put some butter on it.
Do I put on jam?
No, but you call it jelly, what?
[SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE]
RF frequencies interference.
Oh my god, checking systems, stat.
Back along by Moonscam Clams.
Oh, do you remember the Mansom Clams?
REGGIE WATTS: I remember the Mansen Twins.
And I just have to say that I loved all of their work up
until about '84.
BEARDYMAN: Yeah, really, they're too
much sampling, I think.
They use too much like, [MAKING LASER SOUNDS]
REGGIE WATTS: Whatever.
Fleetwood Mac did that.
BEARDYMAN: Hey, what about this?
REGGIE WATTS: Time, a never ending conundrum.
Can you feel it?
Wrap it up, yo.
Everybody knows you got only certain amount of time.
If you got a do it, you can never figure out a rhyme.
If you want to do it, you can never wipe off the grime.
Grime like you're grimy, like you wouldn't ever tell me why.
Everybody, everybody knows you've got only
certain amount of time.
If you've got to do it, you can never figure out a rhyme.
CAT: How many of you guys here have seen a cat
lick its own ***?
Oh, that's not actually a joke.
I'm just trying to keep heads of who's a
*** pervert here.
IAN HECOX: Hey.
I'm Ian.
ANTHONY PADILLA: And I'm Anthony.
And when we were asked to appear at this live event, we
were like, what do you want us to do?
IAN HECOX: And they said, be yourselves.
ANTHONY PADILLA: We said, OK.
So now we're going to give you a tutorial about how to
introduce a guest on a live show.
IAN HECOX: First, you have to upload a video
to YouTube in 2005.
ANTHONY PADILLA: Very important.
IAN HECOX: And then you just keep making videos.
Doesn't really matter what they are.
Lip sync videos, videos about video games, whatever, as long
as they kick ***.
ANTHONY PADILLA: Step Two, have awesome hair.
If you have great hair, people want to watch you.
Sometimes they want to touch you inappropriately.
John Stamos knows what I'm talking about.
That guy has had great hair forever.
IAN HECOX: Dude, totally.
ANTHONY PADILLA: Full House?
IAN HECOX: Yeah.
ANTHONY PADILLA: That.
IAN HECOX: Step Three is be booked on a live show.
And this is kind of important.
ANTHONY PADILLA: Arguably the most important part.
IAN HECOX: And I mean, you can't just get up here and do
something crazy.
You're not Kanye.
So don't *** do that.
ANTHONY PADILLA: Oh, yeah.
Have a good rapport with your partner.
What's up?
IAN HECOX: What's up?
ANTHONY PADILLA: All right, check.
And most importantly, introduce the person together.
IAN HECOX: All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands
together for Kyle Kinane.
KYLE KINANE: Good with their music.
How's it going, guys?
YouTube, huh?
Did you see that cat earlier with the tongue?
It was adorable.
It was like it had a little kitten stroke.
That's nice.
Let's exploit that, YouTube.
Looking forward to all the 14-year-old *** heads calling
me a *** in the comments section after this.
That's what we're going to get.
YouTube, where Christians go to see ***.
OK.
I'll make it quick.
I'll just check the barometer of the room.
See if you'll get along with me.
I'll just let you know about myself.
Last Sunday, I picked my nose.
It's what you do.
It happens, right?
It's your finger, it's your nose.
They fit.
Why not, go for it.
Love yourself.
And I didn't want to wipe it on my couch, because I'm not
an ***.
I was too lazy to go and get up and get a Kleenex.
So I put it back in my nose.
If you think that's funny, we're going to get along for
the next five minutes.
If not, maybe you want to go to the bathroom and grab a
smoke break.
I don't know.
I recently experienced a defeat disguised as a victory.
I don't know if it's ever happened to you.
My friend was like, what do got going on tomorrow morning?
I was like, I don't have to wake up for nothing.
I don't have to wake up for nothing.
Literally nothing requires my existence tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I could just not be.
That's like an optimistic way to say, what do you got going
on tomorrow morning?
I could die in my sleep.
It wouldn't matter.
Awesome.
This is a fancy show.
I don't think I belong.
I feel like a fart in a tuxedo up here.
This is nice.
For more information about me, I just stopped getting
diarrhea, which would be great, but I
didn't change my lifestyle.
You know how you drive your car around with the check
engine light?
And then the check engine light goes off, but you didn't
fix your car?
That just means that that's my body's way of saying, you're
not heeding warning signs.
Enjoy the last six months of your life.
That's what we'll get into.
I don't know.
Like socially, this should make it easier to be social,
stuff like this.
You go out, you talk to people every night.
It should be getting easier.
But instead, more and more, I just feel like I'm backed into
a corner with bright lights on me, and I'm just trying to
defend myself.
Like every night's an away gave, you know?
This is where I'm at socially.
Not too long ago, I said God bless you to a cat.
It's not like I was in a room with people and cats and I
heard a sneeze, and my gentlemanly
instinct kicked in.
I was just alone in a room with a cat, which was already
a day in my life.
I'm just alone, not my room, not my cat, just sitting on a
futon with a cat.
He's looking one way, I'm looking the other.
We're just looking for answers, you know?
The cat sneezed.
And then it was quiet.
And that made me feel uncomfortable.
Because I was raised right.
So I was like, I should say something.
I'm like, but it's a cat.
Yeah, but we're all God's creatures.
So I'm like, all right, I'm going for it.
And I was like, God bless you.
And the cat looked at me.
Because that's what they do.
Cats look at the origins of sounds.
But they also have very, very judgmental faces.
So this cat looked at me.
And instantly, I knew it was like, listen man, I think you
say stuff like God bless you.
You know I don't have a belief system put into place that
would require you to mention some sort of deity.
I think you say these things to convince yourself that
you're a good person, with your pleases
and your thank yous.
But deep down, you're trying to hide some darkness.
That's what you're saying there.
Furthermore, I was worshipped in ancient Egypt as a god.
If I need to bless myself, I can bless myself.
That's how it works with me.
It actually comes in very handy.
I sneeze all the time.
I'm covered in cat hair.
And my response to that was like, well then, go ***
yourself, cat.
But if you were just a fly on the wall, you just saw me in a
room go, God bless you, cat.
Go *** yourself, cat.
And that's why I don't socialize well.
That's why this is getting more and more
difficult for me.
I was on an elevator.
Guy got on the elevator, regular looking dude.
And doors closed.
And he looked at me, said, you smell nice.
And I said, thank you.
Because I don't hear that ever.
I smell how I look.
That's this.
I don't hear compliments.
I hear comments.
I hear people commenting on the general odor of the area,
stuff like, who would leave taquitos in a golf shoe like
that anyway?
I hear that kind of stuff.
It's not Old Spice.
It's old spices.
It's expired seasonings, some paprika that somebody kicked
under the stove seven years ago.
That could be it.
So I said, thank you.
But then this guy, then he kind of showed his cards a bit
with the whole thing.
Because then he kind of gets a different look.
He goes, you just get out of the shower?
OK, all right, that's a bit forward.
That's a man with a plan.
Now, whereas somebody else should take that as a warning
and be like, this guy's got something up, I was excited
for the opportunity of conversation, I just went off.
I'm like, what do you smell?
Is it lavender?
Is it lavender?
I'm using a new face scrub that's lavender.
People are saying it's very overpowering.
They're mistaking it for a whole shower.
But really, it's just my face.
Tell me, is it lavender?
And he just left the elevator.
And that's when I realized that I had out creeped a
creeper in that moment.
That's what I had done.
My own desperation became a form of self-defense, when I
became too much work for a pervert.
That's what happened.
This guy's like, this guy's just going to chew through the
whole gag and ruin the van ride.
I don't have all day.
I just wanted a hump and dump.
I'm still waving through the closing doors, where you
going, new friend?
Don't you want to watch "Silver
Linings Playbook" together?
All right, that's it for me.
Have a good night.
Thanks.
SHANE DAWSON: Hi.
My name is Shane Dawson.
And I've been making videos on YouTube since 2006.
And a lot's changed since then.
Back in '06, the only form of comedy on YouTube was a
toddler playfully nibbling on his brother's finger, and a
big fat black woman falling on a coffee table and
breaking her ***.
And now, we've moved on to bigger and better things, like
a different big fat black woman choking on cinnamon
until she almost dies, and a bunch of tweenagers shoving
condoms up their nose, trying to sniff them into their nasal
cavities and then pull them out of their mouths.
That's a real thing.
I've done it.
It works.
Everybody, YouTube has evolved.
And I think it deserves a slow clap.
Come on, everybody.
Too fast, too fast.
So tweenagers, take those condoms out of your nose and
your mouth.
You're going to need them.
Because here is Three Loco.
THREE LOCO: Oh my goodness.
Step in the club, and we're looking real neato.
I'll be getting *** in my blue tuxedo.
We're neato, like a giraffe in a speedo.
What's up, sonny?
Que pasa, mijo?
Chilling with Rihanna out in Puerto Rico.
She ate my coconut, because she thought it was a Zico.
I beat up the block like Steven Seagal, pour a four in
a Pellegrino, driving backwards through Reno.
Pointy sided Dorito, go ahead, shoot the free throw.
I pull up at the casino, candy Cheetos steamboat.
Desert Eagle, I flash the Buick Regal.
I pull up on you people, buttercream Beetle.
Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato.
Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato.
We're neato.
Look Mom, we're neato.
Look kids, we're neato.
We're really neato.
Neato.
In the El Camino, I'm back, yeah, tight like burrito.
Pull on the place, a 10 cent casino.
Next year, I'm in the movie, Quentin Tarantino.
Coast of Puerto Rico, pizza Totino.
You got a low self-esteem?
You can rent my ego.
Neato, burrito, hold the chorizo.
Snitches get stitches, shout out to Lilo.
*** ***, my ***'s like a kilo.
And you know I be stacking more dough than phyllo.
Your momma sucked my ***, tell her,
keep it on the d-low.
I keep it underground.
You're commercial like Vevo.
Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato.
Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato.
We're neato.
Look Mom, we're neato.
Look kids, we're neato.
We're really neato.
Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato.
Get it Andy, get it.
Throw it.
We're neato, we're neato.
Look Mom, we're neato.
Neato, butt naked in the El Camino.
I'm white like Berry, not brown like Nino.
Dirt Nasty, don't ask me what's neat while I'm ***
on the track like Waka Flocka Seagulls.
Evil, don't look through the peephole unless you want to
see your grandma sitting on my meat pole.
Locked up in Chino, got shanked by a Latino for a bag
for a bag of Hot Fritos.
My *** mas piquito.
Neato, still whip it like Devo because my ***'s short and
fat like Danny DeVito.
Barely legal, hotter than a jalapeno, as she dropped to
her knees and did the Tim Tebow.
Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato.
Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato.
We're neato, we're neato.
Look Mom, we're neato.
Look kids, we're neato.
Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato.
Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato.
We're neato, we're neato, look Mom, we're neato.
Nik Nikateen, what, neato.
Going crazy out here.
*** you.
Tear that *** down.
Tear it down.
YouTube, I got a new video on YouTube with a
picture of my ***.
It got 10 million views.
Tear all that *** down.
We love you, YouTube.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Owen Wilson.
OWEN WILSON: How you doing?
BEN SCHWARTZ: Vince Vaughn.
VINCE VAUGHN: How are you?
BEN SCHWARTZ: Come on, baby, the hottest
comedy duo there is.
The heat from you guys.
Wedding Crashers, enormous.
What I'm trying to do is to get you guys as the red hot
duo in a new movie.
What do you think?
You like this idea?
OWEN WILSON: Yeah, it makes sense.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Vin?
VINCE VAUGHN: Do you have a good idea?
BEN SCHWARTZ: I've got a project for you
that you might love.
It's called "The Hobbit." Enjoy it.
Read it.
OWEN WILSON: "The Hobbit."
BEN SCHWARTZ: "The Hobbit."
VINCE VAUGHN: I don't understand what
you're talking about.
BEN SCHWARTZ: OK, buddy comedy, right?
VINCE VAUGHN: It's not a buddy comedy.
I don't want to step on your feet here.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Hold up, you don't want to step on what?
VINCE VAUGHN: Hold on.
BEN SCHWARTZ: So that's it.
So we got our movie.
Do I just say green light it?
VINCE VAUGHN: No.
I'm not doing "The Hobbit."
BEN SCHWARTZ: Sean, we'll call you back.
So not "The Hobbit"?
Not "The Hobbit." But tell me why.
Is it because of a timing thing?
VINCE VAUGHN: I think, look, I'm a tall guy.
And hobbits are small.
And it doesn't make any sense.
OWEN WILSON: I guess somebody should let Eddie Murphy know
he can't play a clone.
And he can't play the white guy in the barber shop scene
in "Coming to America."
BEN SCHWARTZ: And I would say Dustin Hoffman's not a woman,
but he played Tootsie.
You can do this, VV.
You know what I mean?
OWEN WILSON: He does raise a good point.
It's about dreaming.
That's what film's about.
VINCE VAUGHN: I understand, Owen.
OWEN WILSON: We let ourselves dream a little.
VINCE VAUGHN: It's not a buddy comedy for me and you.
OWEN WILSON: You know what hobbits have?
Heart.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Oh God.
OWEN WILSON: This guy has heart.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Yeah, what about that?
OWEN WILSON: And he can play it.
BEN SCHWARTZ: So what about that?
Let you heart shine and become a tiny guy.
OWEN WILSON: I love the idea.
I love the idea of playing Gandalf.
But throw out some other ideas.
You're right, you're right.
BEN SCHWARTZ: You know what it is?
Maybe do a period piece, huh?
About a president.
About the president.
OWEN WILSON: Lincoln.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Oh!
OWEN WILSON: Guess who's from Illinois?
BEN SCHWARTZ: I can't imagine it's Vince Vaughn.
OWEN WILSON: Yeah.
BEN SCHWARTZ: No, man.
VINCE VAUGHN: I just don't think--
OWEN WILSON: You can't say you're too big to play that.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Put this on for me, just for a minute.
VINCE VAUGHN: No.
OWEN WILSON: Come on.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Oh!
Oh, do you hear that?
The office just turned oval.
I feel like I'm staring at the president right now.
Just say four score.
OWEN WILSON: Although, how would that be a buddy movie?
BEN SCHWARTZ: Easy.
John Wilkes Booth.
Abraham Lincoln.
VINCE VAUGHN: OK, John Wilkes Booth and Abraham Lincoln were
not buddies.
One was an assassin.
OWEN WILSON: No, no, but it gives us an arc.
It gives us some place to go to.
BEN SCHWARTZ: OK, then we re-route it, easily.
We make them roommates.
Makes them buddies.
VINCE VAUGHN: John Wilkes Booth kills Lincoln.
It's not a buddy comedy.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Give me a little improv maybe.
Maybe you guys lived together.
Give me some of that riff magic you guys do when like,
Vinnie says like, uh, sarcastic, and then Owen goes,
but I'm a hippie.
Give me some of that stuff, OK?
You're Abraham Lincoln.
You've gotta smile for me, Vinnie, Jesus
Christ, a tiny bit.
Use it.
That's great.
And then Owen, you're John Wilkes Booth.
You can initiate it.
Is that impossible?
OWEN WILSON: Yeah, let's try this one.
You know, I have a big date tonight.
And I need my lucky hat.
I can't find it.
It's this hat.
Where would it be?
VINCE VAUGHN: Here's you hat.
Here's your hat, roommate.
Take it.
OWEN WILSON: Here we go.
And scene.
Yeah, OK, but now let me play Gandalf.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Right into it.
OWEN WILSON: Give me a better hat, though.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Gandalf, plop that on and see what happens.
OWEN WILSON: OK, put this on.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Go, go, go.
VINCE VAUGHN: Honestly.
OWEN WILSON: Give me a pipe.
Because I'm going to smoke some of that Buckshire weed.
OK.
Oh, oh, where's my little hobbit friend?
BEN SCHWARTZ: Yeah, talk like an old
Jewish man, that's good.
Good, good, good.
OWEN WILSON: Where's my little hobbit friend?
BEN SCHWARTZ: And Vin, you enter as the hobbit friend.
OWEN WILSON: Oh, there he is.
That's the biggest hobbit I've ever seen.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Vin, yeah?
Should we just say yes to this, or no?
Just tell me.
Let's put it on speaker phone.
VINCE VAUGHN: I just don't know what we're doing here.
OWEN WILSON: Oh God.
It's so exhausting to just like try and just be tap
dancing like Fred Astaire and have this guy
be like Doctor No.
You're nothing without your energy, your enthusiasm.
VINCE VAUGHN: I think that it's crazy.
I think it's crazy.
I think I'm wasting my day.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Crazy good?
Finish your sentences.
VINCE VAUGHN: Crazy terrible.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Crazy terrible, I know.
What about "48 Hours"?
VINCE VAUGHN: I love "48 Hours." We're not going to
remake "48 Hours."
BEN SCHWARTZ: Of course we're not.
We're going to make our own original movie that has
nothing to do with that, "41 Hours."
VINCE VAUGHN: Is there a camera or something in here?
Is this a joke?
BEN SCHWARTZ: There is a camera right there.
But it's for my wife to make sure I'm not cheating on her.
It has nothing to do with filming you guys.
I wouldn't cheat on her.
VINCE VAUGHN: Do you have any original ideas?
BEN SCHWARTZ: I do.
VINCE VAUGHN: I love your enthusiasm.
I don't mean to be a downer.
So far we have "The Hobbit," which I don't think is-- let's
just refresh.
Not a buddy comedy.
OWEN WILSON: Take the dream, put it away.
VINCE VAUGHN: Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln with John
Wilkes Booth?
Not a buddy comedy.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Not yet.
VINCE VAUGHN: Not ever.
BEN SCHWARTZ: We'll pass.
We'll pass.
VINCE VAUGHN: And now we're talking about remaking "48
Hours" but making it "42 Hours"?
BEN SCHWARTZ: Ooh, did I already say that?
VINCE VAUGHN: Yeah.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Oh.
It's a great idea.
VINCE VAUGHN: No.
BEN SCHWARTZ: No, it isn't.
I'm kidding.
VINCE VAUGHN: OK.
So what we need is just some simple kind of fun idea with a
fun world to go into, comedy.
I'm happy to hear an idea.
But I honestly gotta get out of here.
BEN SCHWARTZ: But there's no watch on your wrist.
VINCE VAUGHN: I know there's not.
But I gotta get out of here.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Two friends, OK?
Already this is amazing, right, that crash weddings.
VINCE VAUGHN: Let's go.
BEN SCHWARTZ: It was great to see you.
Thanks for coming in.
We'll just reschedule.
OK.
Is this a no, or loosely attached?
OWEN WILSON: Loosely attached.
BEN SCHWARTZ: Hey Owen.
VINCE VAUGHN: Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Very nice to be here at the big show here.
And yes, it's true.
There was a lot of ideas thrown at me and Owen after
"Wedding Crashers." And none of them really made any sense.
It seems like there's a lot of sequels and stuff.
So it's nice to actually have an idea and a movie actually
about something.
And the movie's very funny.
But it's also very timely.
And it's very nice to be with this crowd.
This is an attractive crowd.
This is a hungry crowd.
And this is a *** crowd.
I know what's going on here.
I know what's going on.
All right, guys, thank you very much.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
I mean it.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
ANDY SAMBERG: Hey.
So next up is a video written by and starring a 2008 prime
time Emmy nominee for outstanding guest actress in a
comedy series for her role as Marcy Maven on "Monk."
JORMA TACCONE: You may remember her from the
beginning of the show.
She's the queen of jeans.
AKIVA SCHAFFER: The Hoodie McGoodie.
ANDY SAMBERG: The bee's knees.
JORMA TACCONE: The crocodile's butt hole.
AKIVA SCHAFFER: The butterfly effect herself.
ANDY SAMBERG: Sarah Silverman and "The Perfect
Night." Get off me.
SARAH SILVERMAN: [SINGING]
Tonight is the night I'm going to celebrate.
Stay at home, order in, watch a movie, then ***.
And I'm not going out to the club.
Like I've ever even been to a club.
But I got a feeling this is going to be a perfect night.
WILL.I.AM: It's a perfect night.
It's a perfect night.
Tonight's the night.
It's going to be right.
It's the perfect night.
SARAH SILVERMAN: I'm staying home by myself, don't need
anybody else.
It's just me, myself, and I with my puppy by my side.
Got my phone for clever Tweeting.
I just followed Michael Keaton.
And I'm tired and I'm lazy.
***'s about tonight get crazy.
WILL.I.AM: Yeah, she walking in sweatpants.
And she watering them plants.
And she ordering food because she's not in the mood to wash
all them pans.
Now she taking a *** hit.
And she shaving her armpits.
Now she looking for something that she
wanna watch on Netflix.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Tonight is the night
I'm going to celebrate.
Stay at home, order in, watch a movie, then ***.
And you won't find me out at the store.
Because I'll never even walk out the door.
But I got a feeling this is going to be the perfect night.
Don't need no heavy bass.
WILL.I.AM: Like a club.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Just need to watch my face.
WILL.I.AM: Scrub a dub.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Floss my teeth, take a puff,
and brush my teeth.
Don't need no heavy bass.
WILL.I.AM: No bass.
SARAH SILVERMAN: This ain't the time or place.
WILL.I.AM: No, it ain't.
SARAH SILVERMAN: I floss my teeth then take a puff then I
brush my teeth.
WILL.I.AM: Teeth.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Drink some coconut water because
hydration is so ill.
Then I have a Dove Sensation and I give my dog his pill.
Almost ready for my beddie, put some Palmer's on my skin.
Put a YouPorn on my iPhone and I type my search words in.
Gang, amateur, ***, high fives.
I got a feeling this is going to be a perfect night.
I got a feeling this is going to be a perfect night.
MALE SPEAKER: Wow.
I don't remember school being this cool.
Does that say that?
It's an epic rap battle.
Sorry.
It's the Epic Rap Battles of History.
SKRILLEX: My name is Skrillex, man.
Welcome to the Devil's Den.
I'm a scary monster stomping this bright and frilly pant.
You're a weirdo, wolfie, into powdered wigs and poof.
And your cousin blew notes on your little magic flute.
Your daddy makes the Jackson 5 look like "The Family Circus,"
you might have been a genius.
But you died broke and worthless.
I'm rich.
My claim to fame is I'm a playlist, I'm the A list.
You're the vainest.
Kiss my ***, Amadeus.
AMADEUS: Was that a verse or did you just get the hiccups?
I'm a prodigy, son.
And I'm about to smack a *** up.
My music is 200 years old, and it's still excellent.
Two more months, the world will forget about your
Skrillexcrement.
Look at how you dress when you dubstep out of the house.
You're an emo Steve Urkel and you reek of deadmau5.
I am the world's greatest composer.
No one knows what you are, except a lonely little troll
who knows how to press a space bar.
SKRILLEX: I attack, you decay.
Can't sustain my releases.
Sad chain, Wolfgang, Bangarang you to pieces.
I'm a self-made man, you're a slave to your pappa.
I'm a rock star.
Mix you with the bass and the drop ya.
Global, my strobes glow like Chernobyl.
Kids explode and get mobile.
No one even knows you.
I make the whole world move.
You play community theater.
I gained your same fame from home on a blown out speaker.
AMADEUS: Oh yes, I heard that EP, and see, I
transcribed it here.
Tell me, what comes after the 68th measure of diarrhea?
What kind of drugs does it take to enjoy this?
No idea.
I've seen more complexity in a couch from IKEA.
From piano to fortissimo, that means soft to very loud,
because I'm guessing that you didn't know.
Put down your Cubase and pick up a real bow.
I rocked harder than you when I was five years old!
MALE SPEAKER: Who won?
Who's next?
You decide.
Epic Rap Battles of History!
[APPLAUSE]
[HONKING NOISE]
MALE SPEAKER: YouTube sensation Toby Turner.
Oh, I didn't know he was going to be here.
Toby Turner!
TOBY TURNER: Hi.
This is a dramatic song I wrote.
It's actually called Dramatic Song.
Title just came to me.
It felt right.
This song sounds dramatic, but I'm bad at writing the words.
If you don't speak English, this probably
sounds pretty good.
You probably think I'm singing about some
pretty serious stuff.
But in reality, I'm singing about the lack of stuff I'm
singing about.
This part's intense and emotional, as long as you
don't understand it.
Your foreign grandma would love this song.
Please send it to her.
And she'll probably tell her foreign friends about this
song her grandson or doctor sent her today.
This song might hit charts in a country if parts sounded
like Coldplay, if the chorus sounds like Coldplay.
Then I put some la la la's in there, la la la
la, la la la la.
Hopefully your foreign grandma listens to
this song every day.
And if she asks you to translate the lyrics, here's
what you say.
A perfect translation does not exist.
Well, at least, not in your language.
But if you must know, well, picture this.
50 billion rainbows and the sun is setting and the moon is
setting also, and you're there in a gazebo.
And then God descends from heaven and he gives you a
million dollars.
Take that feeling.
And put it into a song.
I could translate word by word, but
that'd take too long.
And I've got stuff to do, Grandma.
I don't have time for this.
You gotta trust me, Grandma.
This freaking song is the shhh.
Thanks.
This is not another song.
It's just the intro to the next performer, whose
name is John Dore.
John Dore, John Dore, John Dore.
Ladies and gentlemen, John Dore.
JOHN DORE: Wow.
What a beautiful introduction.
And to everyone out there watching YouTube who aren't
watching the TV sets, the Ottawa Senators did just tie
the game to put it into overtime.
No one gives a ***.
I understand, I understand.
But I do.
I care about a lot of things.
And I don't know if you've ever seen a video of a baby
giraffe getting born, but it's the most horrifying thing
you'll ever see in your life.
It's not like the mother helps.
Doesn't lie down.
The mother stands straight up.
It's like watching a baby fall out a three story window.
And then have to fight its way out of a gelatinous sac.
It's disgusting.
So I've written a song on behalf of the baby giraffe.
And I hope you like it.
It's called Mama, Bend Yo' Knees.
It needs lyrics.
There's no question.
But I like it.
That's a great song.
It really captures the spirit of the baby giraffe.
When I was in the 11th grade, was I in my friend Jeff's
basement, and did he give me a bottle of beer?
Yes, he did.
Did I chug the beer?
Yes, I did.
Afterwards, Jeff started laughing.
And I said, Jeffrey, what amuses you so?
And true story, Jeff had put two tabs of acid in my beer.
Fact.
For the next half hour, I was *** furious.
For the next six hours, I was the Lizard King.
And that is also a fact.
It can be checked.
I'm not trying to be cute.
But then I had to explain to my innocent, non-drug abusing
girlfriend Melissa that I'd just taken two tabs of acid.
And that is this same thing as trying to explain to someone
you're about to become a werewolf.
There's no difference.
Melissa, you should go.
I'm going to be different soon.
We never found her body.
No, you didn't let me finish.
We never found her body again.
Now, I don't have a lot of time up here.
But I'll tell you this.
YouTube did ask me if I would do one of my
classic YouTube jokes.
So here it is for you, one of my classic YouTube jokes.
Last week, I went out with a lovely lady.
And I used the date *** drug for the first time.
But you know what?
It just made me really tired.
Like, I'm not taking that pill again.
Part way through the date, I'm getting drowsy.
It's like, I'm not going to get any raping done like this.
I'm exhausted.
Classic YouTube joke.
But you know what?
It wasn't always that way.
That is the final edited product, all right?
But it went through a lot of different forms of evolution
to become that perfect, concise joke.
And I thought for fun tonight, I'd give you a couple of
examples of how that joke used to go.
I remember the first time I told it, it went like this.
Hey, everyone.
I went out with a girl recently.
And I gave her--
or gave me, I gave her the date rope, not
rope, ***, no, rope.
I wish I had a rope.
I'd strangle myself.
So it went like that the first time.
Wasn't very good.
I was very nervous, very young.
I remember one time, I was performing in a pool hall.
And people were playing billiards, and the
joke went like this.
Well, last week I went out with a lovely lady.
And I used the date--
um--
sorry, sorry everyone.
Last week, I went out with a lovely lady.
And I used the uh-- oh ***, come on.
Guys, enough with the billiards.
I'm trying to tell jokes up here, all right?
Just leave it.
Professional on stage, OK?
Idiots.
Anyway, last week I went out with a lovely lady and I used
the-- what are you doing?
Oh my God.
I didn't mean anything.
I didn't mean anything.
Ow.
MALE SPEAKER: Who's funny now?
JOHN DORE: I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.
I was just trying to tell a joke.
Don't put that up my butt.
Don't put it up my butt.
Give me--
ahh!
CARLIE MARGOLIS: YouTube is the latest video website to
jump into the original programming arena.
The site recently announced its first high profile long
form venture, a 13 episode dramatic adaptation of the
popular video Turtle Has Sex with Shoes.
Acclaimed director David Fincher has signed on to
direct the hour long pilot, which will reunite him with
Fight Club star Edward Norton, who's been cast as a high
powered New York City attorney who owns a turtle and a pair
of sneakers.
According to New York Times media analyst David Carr,
quote, "This is the future of television.
YouTube did extensive research to find out what their users
want to see.
Turns out, it's 13 hours of a turtle having sex with shoes
that you can watch in one sitting." In addition to
Norton, the series will costar Rosario Dawson as a
no-nonsense district attorney, and Academy Award nominee Paul
Giamatti as the passionate, grunting voice of the turtle
who has sex with Mr. Norton's shoes.
When asked what attracted him to this project, Fincher told
Rolling Stone, quote, "This is the dream
come true for a filmmaker.
When I saw the original video, my immediate thoughts were,
who is this turtle?
Why is it having sex with this shoe?
Where is this taking place?
YouTube is allowing us to tell a very dark, compelling story
here."
While the full 13 episode first season won't be released
until this fall, YouTube has unveiled a teaser
trailer for the show.
Let's take a look.
MALE SPEAKER: The great thing about this next performer is
that he's next.
Oh yeah, plus, he's like a magician.
Dang.
This is Justin Willman.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: What is up, YouTube?
Ladies and gentlemen, I've shrouded myself behind a dark
curtain to build suspense.
Can I get an ooh, ahh?
AUDIENCE: Ooh, ahh.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: There's a dude in the second row with black
hair and a blue button up ***.
What's your name, dude?
Dude?
Name, loud, what is it?
JESSE: Jesse.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: Jesse.
Jesse, you're about to get magished.
Jesse, name any vegetable or fruit.
JESSE: Strawberries.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: Strawberry?
JESSE: Yep.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: ***.
Hello, what's up, YouTube?
How's it going?
This side, what's up, this side?
This side?
Give it up for Jesse, everybody.
One day, that's going to kill, though.
Can you imagine?
Dude says banana?
That could have been tonight.
But Jesse is here.
Anyway, my name is Justin Willman.
I am a magician.
This is great to be doing a show in Los Angeles.
Los Angeles crowd, we're feeling good?
Normally, I have to travel.
And you can imagine, being a magician going through airport
security, it is complicated, with like
banana suits and ***.
So I actually have a couple handy tricks to speed up the
TSA process.
I take all my metal objects, like my phone and my
watch and my ring.
And instead of having them on me when I go through security
and setting off the metal detector, what I do is I put
them in a TSA friendly envelope.
We pop the watch in there, and the ring in there.
Perfect.
And the phone, you want to be careful not
to scratch the screen.
Now Jesse, do you travel much?
JESSE: Yeah.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: You do.
Awesome.
TSA, they don't have a sense of humor.
So when you write not guns, they assume it's guns.
And they take whatever you just gave
them, and destroy it.
It's cool, though, because I always still have my ring.
And I always still have my watch.
And I always still have my phone.
That's how I travel, people.
That's how I travel.
Magnets.
Magnets.
Pete Holmes, he's right.
Being a magician in 2013 is hard.
Like, when I was 14, I used to do shows at
kids' birthday parties.
It was adorable, OK.
And I would close the show by pulling a rabbit out of a hat.
People didn't care how the trick worked.
They weren't trying to bust me.
They were just happy there was a rabbit there.
They wanted to pet it.
It's cute.
But if I did that now, I'd pull the rabbit out of a hat
right here on this stage, you guys would be like, psh, it's
up his sleeve.
There's a trap door.
How was the bunny treated?
And I think that audiences, you guys, have been
desensitized partly because of the iPhone.
This is a magical device that's in our
pockets at all times.
It does miracles.
We take it for granted.
Like, I could hold this thing up to a speaker,
it'll tell me the song.
That's magic.
10 years ago, I could've closed with that.
That would've been awesome.
I can say, take me to the YouTube show.
Using satellites, it'll take me here.
Sometimes, it'll make a phone call.
It's an amazing device.
So what I'd love to do is this.
This is kind of improvised.
But I'm going to see if Siri, my lovely assistant, can teach
us a magic trick.
We're going to merge the classic art of magic in the
new world of technology.
And if you're with me, give me a hell yes.
AUDIENCE: Hell yes.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: OK.
I'm going to patch in my Bluetooth to the
sound system here.
All right, here we ago.
Hello, Siri.
SIRI: Hello, Justin.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: Can you teach me a magic trick?
SIRI: Did you say, teach me a magic trick?
JUSTIN WILLMAN: Yes, you're amazing.
It's amazing.
SIRI: OK.
I will help you create a magic trick using ordinary objects
in your vicinity.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: OK.
SIRI: What objects do you have nearby?
JUSTIN WILLMAN: A cloth napkin, banana, bottle of--
SIRI: Perfect.
We'll use the cloth napkin and the bandana.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: Cloth napkin and a banana.
Banana.
SIRI: Correct.
The bandana.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: Banana.
SIRI: Pick up the bandana.
Now fold the bandana in half.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: Banana.
SIRI: Trust me, Justin.
Fold it in half.
Now fold it one more time.
Take the folded bandana and hide it in your left hand.
Remember to keep your hand held in a natural position.
This is called palming.
Now that you have mastered palming, we
are ready to begin.
Open up the folded bandana.
Show the audience it's a regular bandana by waving it
up and down.
If an audience member does not believe it is a real bandana,
allow him to wipe his face on it.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: Jesse?
You good?
SIRI: Pick up the cloth napkin and gather the corners
together, forming a makeshift bag.
Using your free hand, fold the bandana along the creases you
made earlier.
And drop it into the makeshift bag.
From the outside of the napkin, squeeze the bandana
into a small little ball.
What the audience didn't see is that you never really put
the bandana into the napkin at all.
You really kept it in your left hand.
Remember palming?
JUSTIN WILLMAN: No.
SIRI: Now, make a magical gesture.
For the big finale, fling open the napkin and receive your
well-deserved applause.
JUSTIN WILLMAN: I'm Justin Willman.
Thank you guys so much.
Good night.
MALE SPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny man named Jeffrey Ross.
JEFFREY ROSS: How about a hand for the Availables?
What's up?
How you doing, YouTubers?
It's Comedy Week, W-E-A-K, am I right?
Yeah.
I want to try something a little bit different.
I want to try speed roasting YouTube fans, volunteers from
the audience.
There's a stairwell right here.
Anybody who wants to come up, this is your chance.
I'll take as many people.
Just come on up right now.
Let's go, babe.
Come on.
Whoa, that might be too many.
Hold on.
The first, like, six.
Just *** it, come up, let's go.
OK, that's good.
OK, I think we got enough.
That's good, that's good, that's good.
You have to come up.
But forget you guys.
No, it's too many.
It's too many.
It's OK.
All right, look at this.
Give it up for my volunteers.
Move down this way.
Look at this outfit.
Did you make this yourself?
NICOLE: Yes.
JEFFREY ROSS: What's your name?
NICOLE: Nicole.
JEFFREY ROSS: Nicole?
I'm already *** bored with you.
Let's go with you.
Is this your friend right here?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Nope.
JEFFREY ROSS: No?
Look at you.
Stand up, you two.
Look at that.
Two fives make a 10.
Speed roasting.
Come on, deal with it.
Look at you.
What's your name?
MELISSA: Melissa.
JEFFREY ROSS: Melissa, you're almost fuckable.
Oh my God, look at that.
Your balls are hanging down your skirt.
How you doing, sir?
MALE SPEAKER: Good.
JEFFREY ROSS: Look at you.
Steroids make you look retarded, holy ***.
I never use the word retarded, but it just seemed to fit with
you for some reason.
Nice shirt.
What, do you keep it in your glove compartment?
Iron it once in a while.
How you doing, babe?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Good, how are you?
JEFFREY ROSS: What's going on with you?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Not much.
JEFFREY ROSS: Who you here with?
FEMALE SPEAKER: You.
JEFFREY ROSS: Oh my God.
Look at you.
Wow.
I wouldn't *** you with his ***.
How you doing, sir?
What's going on?
Come over here.
Look at this.
Harry Potter's blonde something.
Don't you tuck your shirt in or something?
I don't know why.
I just want to beat you up for some reason.
It's probably everything.
Look at you.
How you doing, babe?
Look at you, oh my God.
You're like a little red headed Snooki.
You're like Cookie.
And who's this right here?
MCKENNA: I'm McKenna.
JEFFREY ROSS: McKenna?
MCKENNA: Yes.
JEFFREY ROSS: What's your story?
MCKENNA: I'm sitting there, and I'm here, and stuff.
I don't know.
JEFFREY ROSS: What do you do all day?
MCKENNA: I don't know.
***.
JEFFREY ROSS: ***?
Have you seen the two girls, one cup videos?
Wow.
I have a video coming out.
It's called one guy, no cup.
I just jerk off for two minutes.
How you doing, sir?
I loved you as the guard in Schindler's List.
And who's this, your gardener?
Step up here, sir, how you doing?
What's your story, illegal immigrant?
MALE SPEAKER: Work for Microsoft, that's about it.
JEFFREY ROSS: Microsoft?
You're making people's dicks microsoft right now.
What do you do for Microsoft?
MALE SPEAKER: Play video games.
JEFFREY ROSS: Play video games?
That's your job?
You're the *** coolest guy in this *** place, man.
And who's this lady wearing a piano doily?
How you doing?
Does your grandma know you stole the doily
off the grand piano?
You're very cute in, like, a horror movie.
Here, come over here, sir.
This guy I know.
Is this Harley?
Good to see you.
Harley from Epic Meal Time, oh my God.
Hold on a second, Harley.
And who's this, your sister?
How you doing, sir?
Sir, ma'am, I'm not really sure what it is.
Are you OK?
I love you on the cover of Mad magazine.
MAX: Thank you.
JEFFREY ROSS: What's your name, Andy Milonakis?
MAX: It's Max.
JEFFREY ROSS: Max?
All right, take it easy, Max.
You have the biggest *** on this stage right now, do you
realize that?
Dude, Harley, step up here for a second.
I'm such a fan of your YouTube show.
Have you guys seen Epic Meal Time?
Wow.
How long you been doing that show?
HARLEY: Almost three years now.
JEFFREY ROSS: What video have you done that's
had the most hits?
HARLEY: We made a lasagna with about 45 hamburgers from
different fast food restaurants.
JEFFREY ROSS: How many people have watched that video?
HARLEY: Either 15 million people watched it, or three
million people watched it five times.
I don't know.
JEFFREY ROSS: Wow.
That's more hits than Rihanna took to the face.
It's *** YouTube, relax.
That's so cool.
And you're kind of fat.
Do you eat a lot of the *** you make?
HARLEY: Well, you know, we're not so different, you and I.
Except I'm actually paid to look like a fat slob.
You're just a fat slob.
I'm happy he's here, though.
Because now I'm not the only person that smells like cake
frosting and Arby's.
JEFFREY ROSS: I'm getting roasted by an Internet chef.
Wow.
HARLEY: I'd invite you to come cook on our show, except our
set is within 1,000 feet of a school
yard, so I don't think--
JEFFREY ROSS: Not allowed within 1,000 feet.
You got me on that one.
Thank you, Harley.
You're awesome, buddy.
How about a hand for all my YouTube
fan volunteers, everybody?
Good sports.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, thank you everybody.
I love you.
MALE SPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, Tim and Eric.
TIM: Let's hear it, everybody.
Come on now.
We like lobster.
ERIC: This is great.
TIM: How many people out there are big Red Lobster fans, huh?
How many people just can't get enough Red Lobster?
Can you cut the music now, please?
We're done with the Red Lobster bit.
ERIC: Cut the *** music.
TIM: Cut the music.
Stop the music.
ERIC: Cut it.
TIM: Stop the music.
ERIC: Cut it.
TIM: Come on, stop the *** music.
ERIC: *** show.
TIM: Turn the ***-- turn the music off.
Well, thank you guys so much.
So happy to be here, part of Comedy Week.
What a great night it's been.
How much fun has this been, huh?
ERIC: It's totally awesome.
TIM: Thanks, guys.
Now, I bet a lot of you guys are wondering, what the hell?
Why are you guys so red?
Why are you holding lobsters?
Well, as you guys probably know, this week we celebrate
100 years of Red Lobster.
It's been 100 years.
100 years.
ERIC: Tim, I cannot believe how long it's been.
And you know, growing up, every Friday, I would go to
Red Lobster with my family.
And on my birthday, my step pappa would turn to me and say
son, why don't you upgrade to the surf and turf?
TIM: Oh.
ERIC: It was awesome.
TIM: I knew this guy was a surf and turf freak.
I knew it from the moment I met him.
He loves surf and turf.
Well, Eric, you're going to be so excited to find out that
this week, Red Lobster is introducing, for the first
time ever, they're calling it the endless summer all you can
eat surf and turf.
How many people would love the sound of that?
ERIC: Holy ***!
Endless summer surf and turf, just timed
for the real summer.
Ba ha!
Just in time for summer.
Ba ha!
TIM: I didn't realize the timing was so perfect.
ERIC: Who writes this stuff?
Ba ha!
TIM: Thank you so much.
Well, Eric, that's true.
We are very excited about this endless summer surf and turf.
ERIC: We really are.
You know, the good folks over at Red Lobster are going to
blow the roof off of what you and I think turf really is.
TIM: That's right.
Because you know, we all get stuck in that paradigm where
we think that turf means steak.
I love steak, no offense to steak haters.
ERIC: Tim's a beef boy.
Ba ha!
Ba ha ha!
TIM: If you're going to go off teleprompter, let me know.
ERIC: Ba ha ha!
TIM: No, but it's true, though.
They're going to stop the way you think about what turf is.
ERIC: Absolutely.
TIM: For example, if you don't want
steak, you can get chicken.
Or you could get pork.
Hell, you can even get Chinese food.
ERIC: Hold on, Tim.
What if I'm in the mood for some succulent lob, but I also
want some Italian pizza pie?
TIM: Well, it's whatever your heart desires, my old friend.
ERIC: Oh my God.
Tim, my desire right now is to have an intimate table for two
with some of this endless summer surf and turf by Red
Lobster right now.
TIM: Well, Eric, you're my friend, my partner in life.
And I want to ask you to do yourself a little favor.
Why don't you close your eyes and make a wish.
ERIC: Please, put me on the endless summer surf and turf.
Please, please.
TIM: Eric, you might want to take a look.
ERIC: Oh, this is great.
Let's eat.
Thank you, Tim.
This is fantastic.
TIM: By the way, guys, we've got a very special treat for
you guys, too.
Hit the music.
MALE SPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, from the Black Eyed
Peas, it's Fergie.
FEMALE SPEAKER: [SINGING]
We were at a mall.
Me and my friends were very hungry.
One wanted meat.
The other one wanted lobster.
Red Lobster.
Red Lobster.
Red Lobster, Red Lobster.
Red Lobster, Red Lobster, Red Lobster, Red Lobster.
[APPLAUSE]
TIM: Thank you, guys.
Big round for Fergie, huh?
Thank you guys so much.
ERIC: Thank you from Red Lobster.
TIM: And anybody can help themselves to our leftovers.
Good night, everybody.
MALE SPEAKER: I like the way they work it, no diggity.
I'd like to bag it up, bag it up, boy.
I like the way you work it, no diggity.
Like to bag it up, bag it up now.
MALE SPEAKER: Should I go now?
Oh, sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dax Flame.
DAX FLAME: This is a quick one that I wrote
about homeless people.
I gave a $10 bill to a homeless woman in San
Francisco once.
It was my first day there, and she had followed me from my
hostel and told me all this stuff about how she was
pregnant, and how she also currently had breast cancer
and AIDS and a sick husband.
I didn't know if she was lying or if she was just a
hypochondriac.
But I gave her the money just to be kind.
Another time, on that same San Francisco trip though, I
bought a drink from a convenience store for $3.99.
And the cashier gave me a penny back.
And as I walked out the door of the store, a homeless man
saw that I had change.
And he said, ooh, for me?
I smiled politely and began to hand him the penny.
As I put it in his hand, his expression changed.
And he yelled at me, oh, an effing penny?
Get the eff out of here, man.
And I speed walked away as fast as I could.
Because I didn't know if he had a shiv or something.
He'd asked for the penny, and then yelled at me.
It was because I had unintentionally
gotten his hopes up.
And he was expecting more than one lousy penny.
But what should I have done?
Just ignored him?
It's hard to know how to navigate those kind of
situations.
Another time, a hobo asked me for some money while I was
eating in the outdoor area of a cafe.
And I offered him the cheese off my sandwich, because I
wasn't going to eat it anyways.
And I just thought I'd ask, since he
told me he was hungry.
And he just gave me a look like he wanted to
watch me die in a fire.
There was only ever one time when a hobo tried to punch me.
Me and my parents were just walking by.
And he was sitting there holding a cup of change out.
I stopped, looked at him, and he kind of smiled at me.
So I reached my hand into the cup.
When he saw that I was about to pull a fist full of change
out, he swatted my hand away and tried to hit my face.
But I dodged his fist.
I was only 10 when that happened, and not familiar
with the habits of homeless people yet.
So that's why I didn't realize he was
begging, and not offering.
MALE SPEAKER: One time I was sad, and then I
watched these guys.
It's the Key of Awesome.
THE KEY OF AWESOME: Grab every single one of your friends and
start a Mumford band.
Take a Mumford stand.
You don't need a drummer in a Mumford band.
You just stomp your feet and you clap your hands.
Oh, pack your bag, we're going to Mumford land.
We got our own spoon man.
Excuse me, sir, I'd like to know, where is
this Mumford land?
It's somewhere between Limerick and
Williamsburg, Brookland.
So pull up your suspenders, chug another jug of wine.
Tonight we're going to party like it's 1899.
We strum on our guitars so hard we break
our strummin' hands.
We use a toaster filter when we post on Instagram.
We used to be the house band for the "Antiques Road Show."
Someone sound the trumpets, now let's do
some heys and ho's.
Ho's and heys, heys and ho's.
Three cheers for the Lumineers.
They're a Mumford band.
And Phillip Phillips.
He's a Mumford man.
Well, he's more of a Mumford kid.
We saw "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" And said let's start a
band right now.
Our clothing and our songs are hand me downs.
Spoon solo!
The way we play is pure and honest, bordering
on weird and Amish.
Technology is what we abolish in Mumford land, except for
our iPhones.
Because we're a Mumford band, the oldest latest fad.
And Johnny Depp's a fan.
Laddie plays the washboard, Wendel
plays the fipple flutes.
Bare knuckle boxing's how they settle band disputes.
Emmett plays the juice harp, and Neil
plays his own mustache.
Thaddeus the bar keep makes us cocktails in a flask.
Joe scratches the Victrola like an old timey DJ.
Jill's on social media, she Twitters from the stage.
We got too many members.
Now the stage is caving in.
Can't tell where the audience ends and
where the band begins.
Come on everyone, clap your hands.
Start a Mumford band, the oldest latest fad.
Start a Mumford band, the oldest latest fad.
Hey ho!
Thank you very much.
RHETT: YouTube is home to a lot of challenge videos.
LINK: These are videos of people testing the limits of
physical and emotional embarrassment.
RHETT: And we've combined all these challenges together to
the Ultimate YouTube Challenge Challenge.
LINK: We've got a bunch of YouTubers.
We got some milk, make up, tin cans,
marshmallows, you get the idea.
RHETT: You guys ready?
All right, we're going to get started with
the cinnamon challenge.
But a doctor said you can die if you do that.
So we're going to do the safe cinnamon challenge.
That means, put the cinnamon in your mouth and
just spit it out.
The YouTube Challenge Challenge starts in 3, 2, 1.
All right, now the Bunny Make Up Challenge.
For the next 10 seconds, put as many marshmallows into your
mouth as you can grab.
All right, now apply the make up in front of you on your
face without the use of a mirror.
You have your 20 second supernote, go.
And now we're moving on to the baby food challenge.
Put your bib on.
Put the bib on.
Now on the count of three, tell us what you think it is.
3, 2, 1.
MALE SPEAKER: Potato carrot thing medley?
MALE SPEAKER: Ugh, diarrhea.
RHETT: OK, now we're moving on to the tin can challenge.
Very carefully, grab one of the tin cans from the
ingredients table.
Be careful with that sharp edge.
MALE SPEAKER: I've got sauerkraut.
MALE SPEAKER: Why am I getting all the things that I hate?
MALE SPEAKER: Spinach, I think?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, Spaghetti-Os.
FEMALE SPEAKER: What is that?
What the *** is this?
LINK: Raise your hand if you have dog food.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, [BEEP].
Are you [BEEP]?
RHETT: OK, now it's time for the wasabi challenge.
MALE SPEAKER: Now they're making me eat wasabi.
[SCREAMING]
RHETT: It's now time to wrap up with the Harlem Milk Shake.
Hit the music.
[HARLEM SHAKE]
RHETT: And that's the YouTube Challenge Challenge.
Hey, we're Rhett and Link, creators of Nope, Chuck Testa,
the ship that shipped a commercial, and the YouTube
Challenge Challenge that you just watched.
Why'd you do that?
LINK: Well, that was a spit take, Rhett.
And YouTube is issuing a new challenge,
the spit take challenge.
So I'm raising awareness for it.
RHETT: Yeah, but usually a spit take is like a response
to something funny.
I haven't said any--
anything funny.
OK, I see how this is going.
OK.
You can accept the YouTube spit take challenge by
uploading your creative version of a spit take.
I know you're about to do it again.
LINK: No, that one didn't do anything for me.
RHETT: So make your own spit take video.
Get creative with the liquids, get creative with the setting.
And then make sure you upload it with the title YouTube spit
take challenge.
2%?
2%?
LINK: Nope, whole, guaranteed organic.
RHETT: OK, all right, good.
LINK: Listen, make sure you don't have any liquid in your
mouth for this next guy, or you will ruin your screen.
RHETT: Give it up for our final performer of the night,
Hannibal Buress.
HANNIBAL BURESS: Yeah, yeah, yes.
Yes.
Look at my suit.
I've been doing comedy for a few years.
And one of my first big gigs, I'm opening for Tracy Morgan
at this theater in Chicago.
Before the show started, I went to his dressing room and
said, hey man.
How much time do you want me to do before you go on?
That's a simple question for the
opener to ask the headliner.
But he's such a weirdo.
Hey, just do a little time.
You'll be like the date *** drug, and I'll be like the big
black ***.
Yo, how much time is that, man?
Is that 15 minutes?
All right, I'll just do 15.
That's such a weird way to think about time, man.
I drink.
That's my vice of choice is drinking.
I don't smoke weed.
Because I get weird when I smoke weed.
When I drink, I'm able to be in the moment.
When I smoke weed, I overanalyze the moment, which
is not good to do while you're having sex.
Because if I'm drunk and having sex, I'm thinking yeah,
this is cool.
But if I'm high and I'm having sex, I'm thinking yo, why is
she letting me do this to her?
What was her childhood like?
What's her relationship with her father?
Does she let everybody smash this quick?
I start doing weird stuff, doing high sex, like counting
my strokes.
And one, two, three and a four, is she satisfied, five.
I tried *** in college.
It was too intense.
I went to this party coked up.
As soon as we got there, this girl threw a beer in my
friend's face.
I freaked out.
*** slap that ***, man.
She threw a beer on you, now you slap her.
He said Hannibal, relax.
If I slap her, those five dudes over there
going to kick my ***.
Yo, you just slap her.
I'll worry about the rest.
And I never want to feel like that again.
There's no reason for me to be telling a dude to slap a woman
and think I can beat up five people.
That's not a necessary sensation.
And I don't need it in my life at all.
I probably couldn't beat up five children.
One of them kick me in the balls, I fall over.
They stomp on me.
It's a done deal.
But I'd be lying if I said that *** hasn't brought
some beautiful moments into my life.
When I was in Minneapolis, I had a threesome with these
girls that were on ***.
I didn't think a threesome was going to happen.
Because I thought the fat one would leave.
But when life gives you lemons, you
throw lemons at people.
I didn't want her to leave because she was fat.
She just didn't seem that into the whole situation at first.
But once the *** got into her, turns out,
she was really cool.
I didn't do any *** with them.
Because it can soften up your ***.
And the last thing I need in my hotel room is two angry,
coked out, *** girls yelling at me, Hannibal,
what's wrong with it?
I don't know.
Can everybody just be quiet?
And then we had a good old fashioned Midwestern night.
It was beautiful.
I wake up, the hotel room was kind of trashed.
So I leave a nice tip for housekeeping.
I go off to do morning radio.
I come back.
The room is cleaned perfectly.
They cleaned all around the room.
They cleaned on the kitchen counter.
Except they left a small bump of ***.
And I say, that's extremely professional hotel
housekeeping right there.
They love people.
And that's the type of attention to detail that gets
you a five star Yelp review right there.
I'll be back to that Residence Inn, Marriott.
Three star hotel, five star service.
I was in Vegas for Fourth of July.
I see a billboard, comedian Eddie Griffin
had a show in Vegas.
I said, oh man, that'd be great.
That's one of the veterans.
That'd be awesome to see him live.
But I go online to see how much tickets were.
Tickets were $70.
I said ***, I don't like Eddie Griffin that much.
That's a lot of money for a comedy show, $70.
Because I don't want that pressure over my head when I'm
watching the show.
Because I'll be thinking, yeah, he funny.
But he ain't $70 funny.
He good, I don't know about $70 good.
But I still want to finagle a way in.
So I figured out a plan.
I'ma call the box office, act like I'm my own agent, trying
to get tickets like that.
I call the box office.
Hello.
Who handles VIP complimentary tickets?
I want to get some tickets for my client to see
Eddie Griffin tonight.
And he said, what's your name?
And I hadn't thought of a fake agent name yet.
They kind of put me on the spot.
So reflexively I said, Hannibal Buress.
I'm thinking, I just messed up my hopes.
Dammit.
Because they don't know me.
And I can't say I'm Hannibal Buress
represented by Hannibal Buress.
That sounds dumb.
They said, well, who is your client?
I had to think quick.
I said, Donald Glover.
And I hang up the phone.
Now, I'm thinking that they sensed the
*** in my voice.
Nothing's going to happen.
Five minutes later they call back and say, how
many tickets you need?
I said, I need four tickets.
And then we went and watched the show.
It was a good show.
It wasn't $70 good.
But it was a good show.
So now the show's over.
We're finishing our drinks.
And one of Eddie Griffin's lackeys comes up to our table
and says, hey, you said that Donald Glover was on TV shows
with Eddie Griffin.
Eddie don't know Donald, and Donald's not even here.
I said, first of all, you are adding stuff to
my lie right now.
I never said they worked together.
I merely dropped the name and the person at the box office
fell for it.
Second of all, the show is over.
I don't know what you want from me right now.
I can't vomit the comedy out of my body back to you.
It's done, man.
We experienced that *** already.
You've been had.
It was a hoax.
I'm Hannibal Buress
represented by Hannibal Buress.
Tell Eddie I said great show.
I'm looking for new clients.
Thanks a lot, YouTube, and this crowd.
Before I leave, I don't know if y'all know.
I got the top single in Norway right now, the top
rap single in Norway.
It's called Gibberish Rap.
Yo.
My DJ right there, Skrillex is my DJ.
Yo, Skrillex, hit that ***, man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Rapper rap rap rapping.
I'm rap a rap rap rapping.
In my socks, rapping.
Got on my jeans, jeans dungarees, put on deodorant.
[INAUDIBLE]
hold the spit, [GIBBERISH]
Gibberish rap, spin ***, [GIBBERISH]
Killing the ***.
[GIBBERISH]
got a chicken ***, [GIBBERISH]
speak and spit, [GIBBERISH], you cut that ***, Skrillex.
Yo, man.
I don't really think they get--
I don't think they understand what's happening right now.
It's a wave of confusion and excitement in
the room right now.
Hit that *** one more time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Rapping rap rap rapping.
I'm rap a rap rap rapping.
In my socks, rapping.
Got on my jeans, dungarees, put on deodorant, [INAUDIBLE].
Gibberish rap, spin ***.
[GIBBERISH]
Killing a ***.
[GIBBERISH]
got a chicken ***.
[GIBBERISH]
speak and spit, [GIBBERISH]
You cut that, man.
You know what?
Hey man.
Third time's a charm.
Hit that *** one more time.
Rap a rap rap rapping.
I'm rap a rap rap rapping.
In my socks, rapping.
Got on my jeans, dungarees, put on deodorant, [INAUDIBLE].
hold the spit, [GIBBERISH].
Gibberish rap, spin ***.
[GIBBERISH]
Killing a ***.
[GIBBERISH]
got a chicken ***, [GIBBERISH]
speak and spit, [GIBBERISH], Yo, cut it, man.
Cut it, yo.
MALE SPEAKER: Yo Hannibal.
HANNIBAL BURESS: Yo.
MALE SPEAKER: Yo Hannibal.
HANNIBAL BURESS: What's up?
MALE SPEAKER: I don't think they heard you.
HANNIBAL BURESS: I don't think they heard me
either, Ryan Phillippe.
MALE SPEAKER: One more time.
HANNIBAL BURESS: Let me hit this *** a
cappella real quick.
Because I don't think they hear the lyrics.
I'm going to hit it a cappella.
Rap a rap rap rapping.
I'm rap a rap rap rapping.
In my socks, rapping.
Got on my jeans, jeans, dungarees, put on deodorant.
Show them ***, boulder spit, [GIBBERISH]
Gibberish rap, spitting ***.
[GIBBERISH]
Killing the ***.
[GIBBERISH]
Got a chicken ***.
[GIBBERISH]
speak and spit, [GIBBERISH]
Rap rap rapping.
I'm rap a rap rap rapping.
In my socks, rapping.
Got on my jeans.
Dungarees, Put on deodorant.
[INAUDIBLE], [GIBBERISH]
Gibberish rap, *** the ***, [GIBBERISH].
[REPEATING]