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"I am you from the future!"
"Wow, really? That's awe-OW! What the heck did you do that
for?"
"Allow me to explain."
Hello. My name is Jared.
The only real names in this story you will hear will be mine or teachers.
Everyone else has had their names change to protect the innocent.
My Junior year has been the school year that taught me the most.
I'm not talking about the typical subjects.
This year has taught me the most about myself.
This school year has been full of problems, and not like the simple math equations you get in school.
In a sick twist of fate I wish it were math problems.
However, all my problems this year my fault.
My inexperience, poor social skills, and lack of common sense are the factors.
Along with miscommunication.
I'm one of the youngest kids in my school.
I'm only sixteen and I will turn seventeen when my senior year starts.
In addition to my young age, I have never been in a school community as long as
I have now.
I have been in five school communities.
Whenever I made friends, I lost them soon after because I had to move.
I have never known what it is like to have plans with friends, besides games,
never been to a party or anything
In the 3rd community when I was in middle school, I was bullied relentlessly.
I used to be open to talk to anyone, anywhere, but after that, along with moving
from place to place,
I didn't talk to many people.
I outcasted myself because it provided me with protection.
You can't be hurt if you don't care about or know anyone right?
That was my logic back then.
I say "back then" because all of that changed back in 10th Grade.
I ended up in Painting class.
The 3 people I ended up sitting with were girls that were much older than I was.
There was a Senior and 2 Junior girls.
They noticed that I was quiet, so they tried to talk to me.
Not wanting to be rude, I talked to them too.
Near the end of the first trimester, I had grown attached to them.
We talked about a lot of things, and in the end, they convinced me to be more sociable.
Which was fantastic back in 10th Grade, but...
Junior year is when things fell off a cliff.
3 different girls had a severe impact on me.
The names' of those girls are Tina, Felicity,
and Amber.
There's a little history between Tina and I.
Good for the most part, but I mucked everything up this year when I was
convinced to be more sociable.
Tina was one of the people I talked to.
She was in my first and last hours of my 10th Grade year, and while we were in these classes
we talked about ourselves.
Eventually, I started to develop feelings for her;
my first real crush.
I didn't tell her for a while, but eventually I did tell her I had a crush on her.
The reason I told her is because all I ever heard about were stories from
people that never told the people they cared about until it was too late.
I vowed not to be like them.
It was the end of the year, so I wished her a good summer.
Things were going good for a while.
I moved into a new house, and I was going through the P90X program to get myself in
shape.
I needed to get a vehicle and a job so I could take her to nice places with my own money.
I didn't want to embarrass her.
I couldn't wait to see her again.
I was very excited until one night in August, I had a nightmare that Tina had perished in a
car accident.
I woke up with tears on my face and my heart beating rapidly.
I couldn't wait for the summer to be over.
When the summer was over, I was hoping that I would see her.
However, she wasn't in any of my classes;
and I didn't see her during any passing time.
I panicked, thinking the worst.
When October came around, and I was about to give up,
one of my friends told me that he saw her in the hall;
a wave of relief passed over me.
Near the end of the month, the school had candygrams for sale.
So, I decided to send her one.
In the candygram I told her that I missed her and wished I could talk to her.
She ended up passing a message along with one of her friends telling me "thank you."
This brought a smile to my face.
November came, and a friend of mine had a class with her.
I began to write notes to her,
five total.
I wrote the first 4 notes,
and I had typed the last one.
I hardly remember what I had wrote on the others, but the final one is harsh and memorable.
Everything started off fine, however,
everything else also slowly began to fall apart.
In the first note I had sent her, I explained how my summer was, and asked how she had been.
Just some questions like how work was, and who her favorite music artist is.
I told her how I was going through the P90X program to try and get myself in shape.
and that I was trying to get a
job to be able to help my family out.
A few girls in my 3rd Hour happened to know her, and sh-
said that she was dating a guy named Bill.
I don't know Bill at all, so I couldn't say anything personal about him.
I heard different things from different genders.
The ladies loved him and the guys didn't have good things to say.
Instead of blindly assuming something, I asked her personally how she liked him.
I felt like an inconvenience for telling her I liked her.
I never would have, had I known about Bill.
In result of all this, I wrote a 2nd note.
In the 2nd note, I just asked for a reply.
Subconsciously thinking and waiting, I was hoping for a reply.
A few weeks later, she did manage to write me back.
To this day, I still have the note she wrote.
When I feel stressed and distraught, I pull it out and re-read it.
I pull this note out mostly after my parents and I fight, which makes me feel secure.
Inside the note, she had answered all the questions I had asked her to.
She even gave me advice as to when and where I should get a job.
She told me not to get involved in the food industry, because she works in one
and dislikes it.
Tina told me she was rooting for me in the P90X program and apologized for not
replying sooner.
The prior year we were going to take a challenging class together,
However, because I got into the Career Center,
I could not be in the class with her.
The letter was wonderful, it was great to hear that
she was good.
But she also told me that she loved her boyfriend, and the cliche "there are plenty
of fish under the sea" saying.
Tina said that this letter would probably be the only one.
She wrote 2, but I only received this one.
I should have just left things there, but instead I wrote a third note.
That Friday I talked to my teacher and asked her to help me find Tina.
I personally delivered the 3rd note to her that day.
Needless to say, she was pleasantly surprised. In the note I gave her,
It stated that I was sorry for making things awkward.
I told her she had a beautiful voice,
that I loved how her eyes changed colors depending on her mood,
and how her laugh was like music to me.
The note whilst cheesy, was very true.
I told her she was the best girl I've ever known.
"Sorry," she told me.
It was fine.
I knew she had someone that she loved and I respected that.
I stopped focusing on a romantic pursuit, so I tried focusing on more of a friendship
aspect.
I decided to give her, her own space.
When I saw her about once a week, I asked her to help me.
My parents were arguing a lot due to stress and I needed someone to talk to.
Tina just didn't wanna talk to me at those times because she had to get to class
and had others to talk to.
So I wrote the 4th note.
This note was, a plea for help.
I was asking her for advice and for someone to talk to.
I gave her my number so that she could just text or call to help me,
but I was wrong.
I hoped she would call me and tell me to stop talking to her in the hallway,
but she never did.
I just wanted her to tell me to stop being an idiot...
a creep,
and to tell me things straight up.
Tina never told me those things, but I knew I was being a pest.
Instead, she did exactly what I thought she would do.
She left me on my own, without a friend in a time of need.
I gave her space until December 11th when I had another nightmare.
This one was far worse than the other nightmare.
She hung herself in this one.
So me...
being an idiot like usual...
I went to see her.
I tried to strike up a conversation to see if she was alright.
We spoke a literal three sentences.
Then I asked for a hug.
I received a hug alright...
Lasted a whole second before she pulled away and rolled her eyes as she turned away
to walk upstairs.
The 3 sentence conversation made me feel as if she didn't care about the things that
I had said to her.
The eye-roll and the hug made me feel as if she didn't care about ANYTHING,
about me.
I thought that she hated me...
The hug was the final wound...
Later that night when I was working through the nights' routine,
my personal cheerleader was gone.
I quit that night.
I had no reason to do it anymore.
Late Thursday night of that week, I typed the final note.
It was intended to be a respectable apology for being such a downer,
I also mentioned that I just wanted to be a good friend.
I thought we were...
and in her note that she wrote me, so did she.
I just didn't want anything to happen to her.
I told her about the second nightmare.
I told her I was scared about the so-called end-of-the-world.
I wasn't
in fear if it was actually gonna end, but,
but, because of the crazy desperate measures people were planning to do.
i mentioned in the note all of the absurd things people were doing.
They were...
horrid stories...
I also said that if she wanted me to, I would stop talking to her altogether.
I thought the note sounded good in my head...
I decided to give this one to her indirectly through a friend.
I couldn't see her anymore.
Later that day on the bus to go to the Career Center, my friend told me about Tina's
reaction to the note.
She was worried and scared and wanted to get a few adults involved...to help.
Whether she was worried for herself or for me I do not know.
I felt like a monster...
a tad of ironic foreshadowing...
seeing as how I was cast as "The Monster" for a project in New Media.
I later decided and agreed with myself to see the guidance counselor in CACC.
I wanted to explain and get everything off my chest.
I couldn't call the school, because that would have interrupted her...
schooling. So she advised that I see Tina on Monday.
To tell her that I was not planning to hurt her, myself, or anyone else.
December 17th was the very last day I had seen Tina.
I promised to leave her alone and in order to do this, I avoided the hallways she used or might be
in.
My 3rd hour is at her end of the school, so I disengaged any eye-contact or
focus on people, as I walked to my classes.
While walking to my classes, I see a few girls that resemble her, and I
panic when I catch a glimpse of one of them.
And I quickly walk in the opposite direction or around them.
I don't worry so much now, I just disregard any eye-contact.
When I'm in the halls, I stare at the floor, or straight ahead,
hoping that I don't break my promise.
I don't know if it actually was her any of those times.
If it was, I didn't notice.
I probably wouldn't even recognize her anymore.
I miss her...
I have been stuck in what I like to call "The Rut."
I've been here since Tina.
My smile just faded into a
blank expression.
I barely eat, or talk, or
go out of my way to socialize with anyone anymore.
I just mope around, trying not to turn bitter and cold.
In January, when things fell apart, the bad got worse, and I still had yet to see any good.
I was and still am emotionally distressed...
possibly even clinically depressed.
I searched relentlessly for someone or something to fill me with joy again.
The harder I looked, the more wide-eyed and disappointed I became.
I could find nothing...
All I saw in the halls were people backstabbing or lying to each other.
Some people also tossed around the word "love" a lot.
That just irritated me and made me even more depressed...
because they probably didn't even mean it...
When I told Tina I loved her, I meant it.
I thought it was platonic at first, because the only thing I could think about was a
dance.
However I found out later that it was all real and, that I
emotionally, loved her.
Disgusted with what I was seeing in the halls, I wrote "The Speech."
To sum it up, it was a social commentary that was asking people some hard questions.
I also promised that if anything were to happen that would put my classmates in danger that I
would put my own life on the line for them.
I really meant that!
The reason I call it "The Speech," is because I was actually pushing to read
it to the school.
Assembly, over the intercom, however and whenever.
I went through the appropriate steps to do it too.
I talked to teachers, students, and even the office staff themselves.
Many of them supported it, especially my English teacher.
I went through all the necessary channels because, I was hoping they would help me edit,
and make it better.
The school would not let me though, because of the content.
The content of "The Speech," the "Felicity incident," and because I was pushing for it so
hard, caused some more problems.
The school staff was like "RED FLAG! RED FLAG!"
I pushed hard because of the support I was getting.
"The Speech" concerned the staff so much, that they called my parents in.
From what my parents made it out to be, the staff thought I was going to be like one of the
psychos from last year.
My parents told me that they weren't the only people called in about me.
The office ended up calling in Tina as well.
My heart dropped just like it did in December when I heard that.
It was lifted however, because they had told me that she actually defended me...
that she didn't say anything bad about me...
So, with the office not allowing me to do what I had my heart set on,
during the first two weeks of January, I was pretty bummed.
However, the principal wanted to see me.
He said that he understood what I was trying to do, and that was what this thing called
"Challenge Day," was all about. My...
principal put me into Challenge Day, when it was at the end of that very same week.
I'm not going to go through what Challenge Day is, it can easily be found on the web.
To summarize it, it is known for helping kids out in situations that they are in.
It's a good experience because it gets emotional.
I was close to crying when we were playing "Cross-the-Line," because I was on the other side of that line
for most of the questions.
While I was not crying, many others were.
People came up to me for hugs and I went to others that looked like they needed it as well.
Challenge Day is definitely a highlight of my school year because I love hugs.
"That didn't sound as bad as I thought it was going to be,
but what do you mean by the 'Felicity incident." *sigh*
"It was something I didn't think through at all."
Something I always beat myself up over is when it comes to Felicity.
Felicity was someone that helped me out during "The Rut."
She supported me when I was writing "The Speech."
I talked to her about my past, and she told me a little about herself.
It was with that information that I jumped to conclusions like the arrogant,
erm...person,
"school appropriateness," I was.
I will not say what she told me.
All I will say is that I was extremely wrong about her.
I told her that I wrote "The Speech" because of "people like her."
Well, people like me,
tend to speak before they think.
It was a "open-mouth, insert-foot" moment.
Much like most of my life, because I lack common sense.
Needless to say, she was quite upset when I said that, and she had the right to
be.
She had proven my stereotype wrong and I apologized to her before she left to her next class.
But I kept beating myself up over it because it wasn't good enough. So,
I made a plan of action while I was at the Career Center.
She had her locker in same hall that mine is, so I decided to give her a completely
formal apology.
She was talking to a friend of hers when I walked up to apologize.
I told her that I was sorry for jumping to conclusions, and I was extremely stupid,
which I was,
and that she did not deserve anything that I had said.
Especially from someone like me.
After I was done saying that, I offered her the chance to kick me in the shin, so that she could feel better, but
she turned it down.
Her friend was willing to do it, so I told her to go ahead.
But, Felicity stopped her too.
I kinda wish that both of them would've done it.
I don't talk to Felicity like we used to back in January before I screwed up.
She says she forgives me, but the look in her eyes says different.
I don't deserve forgiveness from her anyways.
She'll never forget my rude remark and I hope she won't.
I was the same as all the other people that judge her.
I just want to find a way to make it up to her.
To show her how sorry I am.
But I can't.
All I can do is just sit and think about what I had done.
At least I had grown from it, but it doesn't make me feel better.
I like to make people feel better about themselves, not worse.
I miss being able to talk to her.
"Wait, at the beginning of this you said that 3 girls affected you, right?
You only talked about two of them.
Don't tell me you screwed up with the 3rd one too!"
"Relax, the 3rd one I did not hurt, and she didn't hurt me much."
Amber is someone I've known since I moved in 8th grade.
She's a very sweet girl that I've always liked. However, those feelings died down when I started
having feelings for Tina.
Amber was sick of guys liking her anyways, so she didn't need me to be one of them.
Amber has always been someone I could talk to.
Because she has been through some bad times in her life just like I have.
She also gets treated pretty badly too.
She doesn't go to my school anymore, but she does live in my park.
I rarely get to talk to or see her anymore.
Because she's busy hanging out with her other friends a lot of the time.
Once in awhile she sees me and a few of her friends at the bus stop.
It turned out that one of my friend's, whom I've known since I moved down here...liked her.
She liked him too.
They've been friends for many years before I even showed up.
They just didn't give dating each other a try. SO!
A few of her friends, and I, decided to set her up with my friend.
That plan crashed in a blaze of failure.
The reason why is because one of my friends' friends, was an ex of hers. SO!
Rather than do something that would make him happy, he listened to his friend and
did not date her.
Amber has not talked to either of them ever since and she doesn't consider them
friends anymore.
Valentine's was coming around the corner, so I tried to make plans with her
so that neither of us would be alone on Valentine's Day.
I was hoping that a little company would make us both feel better.
I was hoping I would have someone to be with, so I wouldn't be so lonely.
She let me down...
To make matters worse, she's moving to Florida in the Summer.
I've been trying to spend as much time with her as I can because I don't know if I'll ever see her
again.
When I remembered that on the bus ride home one day, I actually cried.
I haven't spoken to her much since she let me down on Valentine's.
I still speak to her once in a while, but not as much as I used to back in 8th and 9th
grade.
I miss those times.
After the shenanigans that I had been through,
I have slowly been climbing my way out of "The Rut."
The Career Center is always a great part of my day, because everyone there is amazing.
They always bring a smile to my face.
I made a Facebook so I could try to talk to some people, so I wasn't so lonely.
Turns out that I knew more people than I thought I did at the school.
Amber was the only girl of the 3 to respond.
Tina and Felicity did not respond at all, so...
I waited a few weeks but eventually I just cancelled them.
I got the hint.
Even still, I sent another request a few weeks later...and
just patiently wait, hoping that I could talk to them again.
I figured if they want to talk to me again, they can do it on their own terms.
I don't use the site much anymore because it did nothing to make me feel...
better, it just made me feel more lonely.
Ironic for social network, isn't it?
I still talk to my counselors on occasion, but not as much as I used to.
My grandmother got me into some programs at a place called Building 21.
I have an Improv class, and my favorite, the DJ Workshop. Ben,
the guy that runs Building 21, and DJ Sizl,
the guy that started the DJ Workshop,
have a crazy plan.
Because I'm "The Sponge,"
paying attention to the actual techniques, absorbing the information
and not, screwing around the entire time like some of the other kids, Sizl is
going to be teaching me some of the advanced techniques.
Their plan is to get me to DJ our High School's Post-Prom.
I do not know how that's going to turn out right now, but I'm looking forward to it
nonetheless. While i may have dropped out of the P90X program, I have kept up
the healthier habits.
I have also bought the Insanity program.
I have yet to start it, but maybe I will after everything is said and done.
I cannot help but stop and think about the past.
I have learned so much about myself among other things. things
Perhaps, I overreacted over some things...
or perhaps I was right about others.
Perhaps I was wrong about others.
I need to start giving people the benefit of the doubt.
I always looked at the negatives, because then I would be hurt less if the negatives
were true.
I don't know for sure and probably never will.
The reason Tina, Felicity, and Amber had such a big impact on me is because they are
good people.
In a time where everyone's morals and standards have changed, they have kept the original ones.
These 3 girls value themselves, and want a brighter future than others.
I thought I had to protect them, but they can handle themselves.
They won't screw their lives up, so I don't need to worry about them anymore,
because I have faith in them.
On where I stand with them, I don't even know.
To be quite honest, I'm scared to talk to them, because I think they hate me.
They may or may not, I'll probably never know.
I don't know what they thought or felt during this time in my life.
I don't even know what they were going through themselves.
I can only sit and wonder.
I honestly don't know what I should think of Tina, Felicity, or Amber anymore.
"So the reason you've been beating yourself up over things, is to make you feel better?" "Yeah,
that's the only reason."
"Does it actually help you?"
"No, sometimes it makes me feel worse."
"Then...why do it?"
"So I don't repeat the past."
"Wait a second, I haven't made ANY of those mistakes yet. Shouldn't I have been
beating YOU up? Aww come on!"
This Thesis project has been on my mind ever since December of last year.
This Thesis project was actually an idea by my counselor at CACC.
I...was never more set on something since my "speech" that I wrote back in January.
This Thesis project is kind of a coping method.
Loneliness and depression can really do a number on someone.
I wanted to give up a few times, but I've strived.
Now that this is done, I can close the book on this year now.
The future self slapping my past self is literal, slapstick symbolism for how much I
beat myself up over a mistake I have made.
After everything that has happened, I wish I could change things.
At the same time, all of the things I learned about myself would all be undone, and I
wouldn't be a better person because of this experience.
No matter how much pain I have felt this year, the saying "what doesn't kill
you makes you stronger,"
is actually true in this case.
I...won't be as open as I was in 10th Grade, but...I won't completely shut myself off from
the world any longer than I already have.
Perhaps someday, I may only look back and laugh at this year.
I only hope that my Senior year is better.
Only time can tell how things work out from here.
I have the time, but,
just don't have the patience.