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The Adventures of the League of S.T.E.A.M.
Tall Tails
No, no, no. You think werewolves are tough?
- You haven't heard anything yet. - How's that?
There are things way more menacing lurking out there
in the deepest dark...darkness.
You know, the real big nasties.
Sir?
I'm talking about the kraken!
You? You have a kraken story?
I have a kraken story. Where do you think I got this?
- Got what? - It was...
Nah, I think it's on the other leg,
but trust me, it's there.
It was a beautiful bright summer afternoon.
Me and the missus were out
having a lovely little picnic at the beach with Sir Conrad.
My intuition told me to be on my guard
that day, as there was something fishy in the air.
There I was, just putting the finishing touches
on the perfect sandcastle. All of a sudden, out of nowhere,
I felt something brush up against my leg!
It was the kraken,
and he was trying to drag me under the water and have me
for his afternoon feast.
Luckily, my warrior skills kicked in,
and I fought him off.
I grabbed the only weapon at hand,
and I trounced that beast until I was winded.
My valiant efforts were more than the kraken could bear,
and he retreated into his watery lair.
And I haven't been the same since.
Sir, with all due respect, did any of that even happen?
- Yeah! - Do you have a better story?
Why, yes. I have an epic tale, gentlemen, one of love, of loss,
and the mighty beast, the kraken.
It was several springs ago now. The summer solstice
was just peaking, and the dawn sky was about to be in full bloom.
I was going for a morning constitutional off the shores
of Sea Maid Point, and had stopped to collect some rare flotsam.
I was admiring the shells that I had collected along the shoreline,
each one more rare and precious than the last.
One by one I dropped them into the water and watched them
sink into the deep blue abyss.
And then, she appeared:
the most exquisite creature I had ever laid my eyes upon.
And then, just like that, she disappeared.
The next day I returned, hoping to see her once again.
She emerged from the waves, more breathtaking
than I had remembered, all the shells I had brought her
laced about her neck. It was then she told me her name:
Shelly.
Then, from out of the briny depths, he struck.
The kraken appeared and wrapped his tentacles around her.
I tried to fight him off, but I was unprepared and unarmed.
He dragged Shelly under.
She was gone. He had taken her,
and all I have left as a reminder is this.
Ooh! Can I see it?
You call that a story? Listen to this.
I was coming back from Europe a couple years ago.
I was below decks, resting in my hammock.
All of a sudden, boom!
This large tentacle crashed through the portal.
Boom! Through the other portal, another tentacle.
They were starting to encircle my neck.
I reached up and tied them into the most glorious square knot
you've ever seen. They liked that.
- Uh, Jasper? - What?
Run!
Okay, what are we gonna do?
Someone has to defeat it.
Crackitus, you said you beat it with a stick.
No, I don't have a stick! Uh.
Jasper, go over there and tie his arm into a pretzel.
I need two arms to make that knot.
Thaddeus, go avenge Shelly.
(repeated grunts and thwacks)
Mmm. Oh, Thaddeus, this is some great kalamari.
We should have this more often.
This is much better than chupacabra.
Chupacabra? Did I ever tell you about that time that--
The League of Steam
♪ (theme music) ♪