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Hullo? Is that you, Harriet?
Oh, it’s you.
Sorry… I’ve just been looking for this Harriet person…
It seems there was a slight misunderstanding back at the station.
You see, I’m used to traveling along an entirely different kind of railroad.
You know – one with sleeping cars, train tracks, and… paying passengers.
Plus, I was told that this thing was “underground,” so I spent the first two hours trying to find
my way through a surprisingly spacious gopher hole…
But I just ran into someone who gave me the low-down.
Apparently, this supposed “railroad” is actually just a system of paths and secret
locations for slaves to make their way to freedom in the North.
No steam whistles, no “choo-choo!” – nothin’. It’s elaborate, this “railroad.”
We’re talking stops in Mexico, as well as in Florida, where the Spanish have still got
their hands on everything.
Even the amusement park there is called Disney Mundo.
So… why the confusion? Who decided to be difficult and start calling this non-railroad…
a railroad?
From what I hear, it arose out of a number of railway terms that the slaves were already
using to describe certain aspects of it.
For example, this Harriet Tubman – who reportedly helps escort slaves along the way – is referred
to as a “conductor.” Some of the safe houses located along the
route are known as “stations.”
These are just like real railroad stations, except they don’t smell quite so much like
discarded Funyuns. Slaves also draw some connections to the Bible.
I guess a lot of these slaves consider Canada “the promised land.” They must really
love poutine.
Anyway, many of them refer to their travels northward as “the Gospel Train.”
Word on the street…
…and when I say street, I mean dusty dirt road…
…is that many slaves are too scared to… “take a ride on the Reading,” as it were.
And understandably so. They know that, if they were to get caught as fugitives, they
would be killed, beaten and/or returned to their former master.
The trains I deal with? If someone can’t pay their fare, we just toss ‘em off at
the next bale of hay. Not only that, but the “free” slaves helping
the slaves of the south are really sticking their necks out…
… and you know what those southerners like to do to necks.
Ever since they passed that Fugitive Slave Act back in 1850…
… everyone has been on high alert.
There are legalized raids and mounted pro-slavery men with dogs…
… and these dogs are not just interested in playing fetch. Not with sticks, anyway.
So obviously, I’m in the wrong place.
No “blue line express” is likely to come rolling through these woods any time soon.
If you see Ms. Tubman, let her know I’m lookin’ for her...
I’m hoping she’s as good at tracking down actual railroads as she is at running the
metaphorical ones…
Blurb:
An Underground Railroad sounds like a great idea. No standing out in the cold. A respite
from the rain. A fun little journey into the center of the Earth (or towards it, anyway).
But don’t buy your ticket just yet. It may not be quite what you think it is.