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[intro music]
>> PETER: Good evening, my name's St Peter and I'll be judging your immortal soul today.
>> RICHARD: Am I dead?
>> PETER: Well, let's see. You fell into a pork pie machine, yes?
>> RICHARD: I lost my balance tossing in a pig.
>> PETER: Yes, I've just had the pig come through. Of course you're dead. Frankly, it's
a miracle you're not more... crusty. But then we get a lot of those round here.
>> RICHARD: Crusts?
>> PETER: Miracles.
>> RICHARD: So is this, like, Heaven?
>> PETER: Well that rather depends, doesn't it. Let's take a look. Oh dear. You're a Creationist.
>> RICHARD: Is that bad?
>> PETER: It means the boss will want a word. (into phone) Could you come through, sir?
We've got another one.
[God slides down beam]
>> GOD: Wheeeee!
>> GOD: Right. So. You're a Creationist, are you?
>> RICHARD: Yes, I am.
>> GOD: So you think I made the heavens and the Earth in seven days, do you?
>> RICHARD: That's what it says in the Bible.
>> GOD: And that was, what, six thousand years ago?
>> RICHARD: Thereabouts.
>> GOD: And the fossil record? The cosmological evidence that the universe is billions of
years old?
>> RICHARD: You faked it.
>> GOD: Oh I did, did I?
>> RICHARD: Didn't you?
>> GOD: Well of course I bloody did!
>> RICHARD: You did?
>> GOD: Don't sound so surprised.
>> RICHARD: I'm not, it's just, why do you seem so angry?
>> GOD: Do you have any idea how long it takes to whittle an ammonite? I did millions of
the bloody things! There's a complete fossilised T Rex under Dunstable that they haven't even
found yet, I was up all night on that one! And why do you suppose I went to all that
trouble?
>> RICHARD: To test our faith?
>> GOD: To - what? That doesn't even make sense! I faked that evidence so your wretched
species would conclude I don't exist, and I'd get a respite from these bloody prayers!
Millions of the things I have to deal with, and mostly they cancel each other out, so
that's a soul destroying activity let me tell you. And finally, finally, your lot start
to piece together my carefully laid evidence. For the first time in six thousand years I
have a bit of free time! I started watching films. Have you seen Let George Do It? It's
hilarious. There's a Dinky Doo, and he gets on the wrong boat and nearly gets made into
a bun, and he... anyway, the point is, I was just starting to get some peace, and then
your type come along and blow my cover!
>> RICHARD: I was just trying to spread the word.
>> GOD: I didn't want you to spread the word! You of all people know how hard I worked to
cover up the word! Any Creationist with any sense, upon sussing that I faked the fossils,
would join in with my programme of propaganda! But no, you fools have to rat me out to any
*** who'll listen!
>> PETER: This is interesting - they've managed to get him out of the pork pie machine in
one piece. The paramedics think he might pull through.
>> RICHARD: You mean I'm not dead?
>> PETER: It's looking that way. Let me just... yes. This is a mistake. You're not due for
another five decades.
>> RICHARD: Thank God!
>> GOD: You're welcome. And try to keep your mouth shut this time.
[Richard begins to fade from view]
>> RICHARD: I'll do better than that. I'll devote my energy to convincing people you're
just a myth!
>> GOD: In which case, you'll have a golden throne and a harem of nubile virgins to look
forward to when we meet again. See you in fifty years, Mr Dawkins!
[music]