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Once upon time, in a distant solar system...
Who shall we destroy today with our new birdies?
Scan for helpless cargo ships.
Master! Our scanners found a Turengi ship from Plingon space.
Whatta hell! Stash the ship and attack!
Master! They are hailing us.
So what?
They say that they have something that could make the enemies of the Plingons shiver from terror.
Why didn't you say that in the first place? Open a channel!
Connecting...
We have a business proposal for the Plingons. We have acquired blueprints for a gate that allows traveling anywhere in the universum.
And how much does it cost?
100kg of gold.
Arg...what if we get the blueprints and you can leave alive?
Ehh...it's a deal!
Hmm...that sounds much better. Beam those blueprints to our ship.
No-one must hear about this. Kill those big ears! Heh heh...
It's my pleasure, master!
Couple of months later in Vixeria 2 orbit.
When will that material shipment arrive? We've run out of 5 inch nails and turenium plates.
The cargo ship will arrives in approximately one hour.
Six months later
Computer, stop the music and start scribbling
Captain's scribbling. Moondate...eh..something and some over. We have been transporting garbage from planet to planet for the last five months.
But finally it came to the end. I just received new orders to go to Erotica 6 and make a report of that planet to headquarters.
The CPP Hardcore was there, but its captain enjoyed the local services too much and the P-fleet called them off the mission.
Luckily, we got the job now.
And then something about the crew. Mr. File Not Found got version 0.75b of his face and his sound card, Sound Bluster 17, was replaced with Sound Bluster 129 Alive model.
And then I was finally going to get a first officer but when he heard who was the captain of this ship, he committed a harakiri.
Well...I don't have anything else to tell right now. Oh...ensign Glove said that ETA to Erotica 6 is somewhere between two and ten hours.
He's getting more and more accurate on those ETAs every day. Computer, stop recording.
Boring...I could go to the halludeck. I haven't been there for a while.
Captain, the admiral is on line five. Shall I connect him to your quarters?
Ok.
Connecting...
Well, hello sir! Nice to see you again.
Screw you! I know what you think of me!
Why do you say that?
If someone sends a kilogram of Dagorian llama crap as a birthday present, believe me, I know!
Oh, that...well, did you have something to tell me?
P-fleet's intelligence service has found out that the Plingons are building something very strange in the orbit of Vixeria.
It's probably a weapon against P-fleet. You job is to investigate what they are building there, and the job must be done quietly.
They must not see CPP Asskicker there! You will need a stashing device, but the P-fleet doesn't have any. So, you need to acquire one on your own.
So, your mission is to get a stashing device, go to Vixeria 2 undetected and there get as much information about the project as possible.
Don't you have any difficult missions? This one is so easy!
And remember this: Do not wreck the ship this time! Last time we spent two months repairing your ship!
Ok, I'll try.
P-fleet out.
Damn...this job is going to be a catastrophe. I should probably get that lawyer module for Failix.
Hey guys! We just got new orders. Our mission to Erotica 6 has been canceled and instead of that we must get a stashing device and spy Plingons on Vixeria 2.
And just how do you think that's possible?
Hey Failix, do you have any ideas where we could get the stashing device to this ship and fast?
Either we buy it...
Boring!
...or we go to the Plingon border and rip it off from a Plingon birdie.
Hey! But that is a decent idea. Mr. Glove, set course to the Plingon border.
Aye, aye, sir!
What's the ETA to the Plingon border?
Very good question...no wait...we just crossed the border.
In that case, take us to the nearest solar system and let's see what happens.
We have arrived.
Mr. File, scan the area.
I can't see anything...wait a minute! Three Plingon birdies de-stashing!
Holy coffee maker! Charge the twinklers and load lightball tubes!
They are hailing us.
Why don't they shoot first and then interrogate us? Put it on the main telly!
What are you doing here?
Why don't you shoot first and then ask questions?
Well...in the last battle you destroyed one birdie and a heavy battle cruiser. So what are you doing here?
We just came here to blow up one of your ships and rip the stashing device from it. Nothing else.
Oh...you have three minutes to withdraw from our space or we will open fire.
I'm shaking! Please don't shoot us! No...just kidding. You are so cowardly...Mr. File, disconnect.
Disconnected.
How good chances do we have of defeating three birdies?
Calculating possibilities...
What happened to Mr. File?
I believe that Mr. File's warez beta version of Doors PX system crashed. It will automatically boot in five minutes.
But we haven't got that much time left! Did they teach you to use starship weapons in the academy?
Yes. I was best in the whole class.
Sounds hard to believe but take the tactical console. I'll take the helm.
Twenty seconds left!
Ok, let's go!
Yeehaa! We destroyd one and there's still two left.
Good.
Captain...
They are bombarding our aft deflector plates. They...
...can't hold this for long.
Use those new twinklers and lightball tubes. They aren't there for nothing.
Yes, sir!
What am I doing on the floor?
Mr. Glove! Ready the bottom side twinklers.
But we can't use them right now.
So you think. Watch this and learn!
Help! Helm console jammed! I lost control! We are going to crash!!
Nice maneuver.
I know that I'm the best. That's why I'm the captain.
Ok...man your own stations and then, Mr. File, send Ltn Nameless to the Plingon ship.
I can't recommend sending anyone to that ship because it could explo...
Send Ltn Nameless there!
CPP Asskicker is hailing Ltn Nameless. Do you read me?
Yes I can hear you. I've located the stashing device and I'm now removing it. Please wait...
Device safely recovered. Wait...there's a light blinking. It says "Self-dest*#川". I'm pressing it. Maybe it will stop blinking then.
Don't press that...
...button.
I suggest that we leave immediately. I'm reading a large disturbance coming this way!
Mr. Glove! Set course back to P-fleet space, maximum twist!
Multiple Plingon ships de-stashing.
We have arrived in P-fleet space.
Any more great ideas, Mr. File?
We could go to Deep Space Six. One Turengi named Huark lives there. He can acquire everything and it's easy to blackmail him.
Sounds good to me. Mr. Glove, set course to Deep Space Six. I'll go to my quarters.
Aye, aye, sir!
Captain's scribbling. From now on moondates will be removed for security reasons.
We have been travelling to Deep Space Six for nearly five hours. We should have arrived an hour ago so I'm beginning to fear that we are on our way to Romuclan homeworld or some hostile area.
Captain, we are arriving at Deep Space Six.
Ok. Slow down to shove power. I'm on my way to bridge. Licard out.
Situation report.
We have arrived to Deep Space Six with some luck.
Good. Put the station on the main telly.
We are at the station.
Full stop. Scan the station and find that Turengi.
He's in his bar.
Ok. Mr. File, you and I are on the away team. Let's beam directly to that bar.
Shouldn't we ask a permission from station commander?
Why? We are on the same side. Let's go to the beaming room.
Welcome to Huark's bar. How may I serve you?
We have heard that you take special deliveries.
You are correct. Right now I have Sikerian wine, Aserian donuts...
I meant equipment that can be installed on a starship.
And what do you have in mind? I can sell replicators cheap.
Stop it! We need an illegal stashing device for our ship.
Then you are lucky. I just happen to have one in my storage and the price is 80kg of gold.
No way! Maximum price is 30kg of gold.
Nope..60kg of gold.
Ok...then let's say that you give that device to P-fleet as a gesture of goodwill, or we will call the station commander and ask him to collect your rent and electricity fees.
But I paid them last week!
Well...we will blow this bar up if you don't give that device!
But captain... - Quiet! So what will it be, Huark?
So what? I have insurance.
Hmm...Ok, Mr. File won't rip your head off if you give that device to us.
Shut up!
Ok then. When do you need it?
I knew that we can reason with you. We need that device immediately.
I'll send you the coordinates for beaming.
Good.
Licard to Asskicker. Beam us and the device aboard from the coordinates that Huark sent.
This is the main engineer. We'll need at least 6 hours to install the stashing device.
You have 10 minutes or no salary!
No problemo.
Oh...at least something is working on this ship. Mr. Glove, set course to Vixeria 2 and stop at the Plingon border.
Aye, aye, sir!
After many many hours...
We have a problem. There's a tachyon grid at the Plingon border.
Tachini...what??
Tachyon grid that detects any ship that tries to cross the border. No matter if they are stashed or not.
Oh...show that tactical map on the main telly.
P-fleet's map center
Hmm...what is that big white thing?
That is the Nipuli Nebula.
What if we go through it? I don't think that there are patrols or that tachina...thing there.
Very good idea, sir!
That sounded too intelligent for your idea. Where did you rip that?
From "P-fleet official captain manual", of course! They do that kind of things here all the time...
...but set a course to the nebula. And Mr. File, tell the crew that we are going into a nebula and tell them to close all the windows.
But captain, this is a starship.
So what? We have windows. Don't we?
Captain, I have never navigated inside of a nebula.
So?
I guess nothing...course plotted.
You ask far too many questions. Pedal to the metal!
Captain's scribbling. We have been travelling in the nebula for four hours. Mr. File said that we should have exited the nebula two hours ago.
I don't know how Glove does it but...
...I just hope that we can get to Vixeria 2 before the Plingons finish their gizmo. Computer, stop recording.
Nebular density is dropping. We are exiting the nebula.
Full scan! Are we on the Plingon side?
Scanners indicate that we are almost in the same position as four hours ago before entering the nebula.
Damn you, Mr. Glove! Turn the ship around and full speed ahead!
Aye, aye, sir!
Captain's scribbling. We are in the nebula - again - and we have travelled for over two hours. If we can't get to Plingon space in the next 30 minutes, Glove gets thrown out of an airlock!
Captain, we are coming out of the nebula.
Are we in Plingon space this time?
Scanning...yes we are!
In that case, plot course to Vixeria 2.
Aye, aye, sir!
Hmmm...we have forgotten something very important. I just can't...OH! Mr. File, activate the stashing device!