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Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
Well, it’s after Christmas again...
... and once again, I can’t help but feel the post-Christmas blues.
I mean, all this time waiting for Santa to bring me something...
... wonderful and fantastic, these really great presents...
... and what does he bring me?
A Playstation 3 Entertainment System, a brand new controller...
... a controller for the Blu-Ray player, “Soul Caliber IV” …
…and no “Batman Arkham Asylum”?
What have I done, Santa?!
What have I done to deserve such torture?!
Instead, what did I get instead of “Batman Arkham Asylum”?
“Ernest Saves Christmas.”
“ERNEST SAVES CHRI” -.
- Just show it.
Ernest Saves Christmas
Ernest, played by the late Jim Varney...
... is one of those movie characters that somehow I overlooked...
... and granted, he’s not a terrible character.
Santa!
Are you in there?
Well…not that terrible.
He’s mostly just irritatingly annoying...
... but still, after a whopping 13 movies spread out...
... between theatrical, TV and VHS releases...
... it’s pretty hard not to take a look at them.
For those who don’t know...
... Ernest got his start as a commercial spokesperson.
For what, you may ask?
Well, everything.
Peppermint Stick Ice Cream.
Cream O’Weber Alan Cottage Cheese.
Mello Yello.
Tyson’s Toyota.
And also don’t forget to buy Citizen Penguin...
... the only penguin that has the voice of Orson Welles.
I’m doing this voice into protest.
Neat, huh?
So because of his popularity, they finally gave him a movie...
... called “Ernest Goes to Camp.”
It was stupid, but not Christmas-oriented...
... so instead, we’re gonna take a look at the sequel...
... “Ernest Saves Christmas.”
So, let’s see why…
… let’s just see why.
So the film is apparently so cheap...
... that it relies on old Coca-Cola ads for its opening credits.
Now, I have to admit, this is actually kind of a nice opening...
... but seriously, would anyone ever connect this...
... to an Ernest movie?
It’s kind of misleading. I mean, the credits say a lot about the film.
I mean it’s kind of like starting off a movie like this.
The world is changed.
I feel it in the water.
Much that once was is lost...
... for none now live who remember it.
Beavis and Butthead Do America
See? Doesn’t add up.
But actually, the movie has another thing going for it.
It has probably one of the best Santa Clauses of all time.
He’s played by Douglas Seale...
... who you may remember as the Sultan from “Aladdin.”
And I swear you’ve never heard a kinder puppy dog...
... of a human being in your life.
You know, I’ve carried this torch for more seasons than...
... I should have done.
Beause I loved it so much.
But now...
... I’ve taken to making notes.
Well, you can’t be doing that way. It shouldn't be done that way.
It can’t be done that way.
I believe.
But even he falls victim to some lame setups...
... like just count how many Santa puns there are here.
First time in Orlando?
Oh, no. I fly in once a year.
Santa Puns: 1
Where are you from?
Uh, up north.
Santa Puns: 2
Me, too! What line of work you in?
Toys.
Santa Puns: 3
No foolin’. You been in it long?
Longer than you can imagine.
Santa Puns: 4
Oh, I hear that. A lot of contacts?
Oh, all over the world.
Santa Puns: 5
Yes, I’m used to a colder climate myself.
Santa Puns: 6
Oh, great! You blew up the…
…Santa Pun-o-meter. Why do I have one of those?
Oh, Christmas Tree / / Oh, Christmas Tree…
And there’s Obnoxi-cus Maximus himself...
... driving some poor schmuck to the airport.
Hey, buddy, hurry up! I gotta get to the airport!
Oh, don’t worry, Mister. We’ll make that plane.
Thrill drive!
Hey! Welcome to Crazy Taxi!
You gotta get your comic foil to the airport...
... in under five crazy minutes!
Oh, no! Your passenger fell out of the car!
Now, start mugging to the camera...
... ‘cause the director think it’s funny!
Mugging Points
Meanwhile, Santa has a little trouble getting through customs.
Is this your real name?
It’s the name I’m known by, yes.
Sure.
Hey, as long as your name’s not Mohammad, you’re good.
Thanks, Skippy.
Hey, it’s Vanessa, thank you.
Hey! Better go faster!
You have only 30 seconds to get your passenger on the plane...
... to mime school.
And how about some more close-up mugging?
Mugging Points
Way to go!
Your next passenger should probably be a supporting character.
Taxi!
Mister, I’m a Taxi, I’m a Taxi!
Don’t forget to hit the Asians!
Asian Points
Now, finish off with some more mugging!
Mugging Points
Crazy!
So Ernest P. Worrell drives Santa Claus around in a cab…
Boy, that’s something I didn’t think I’d say today.
... as they make some playful chitchat.
Sun getting to ya?
Oh, yes, it’s not as bright at night. I’m usually here at night.
Wait a minute, what did that bumper sticker say?
Keep Christ in Christmas
So Ernest wants to keep the “Christ” in Christmas...
... even though he’s in a movie about Santa Claus?
Yeah, h-hold on a second.
This is the movie.
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!
Meanwhile, we cut to these two guys...
... who are looking after Santa’s cargo at the airport.
What is that, an “M”?
“W.”
No, right here. That’s an “M.”
“W.”
“M.”
"W.”
“M.” “W.” “M.” “W.” “M.” “W.” “M.” “W.” “M.” “W.” “M.” “W.” “M.”...
... “W.” “M.” “W.” “M.” “W.” “M.”
Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, WHAA!
NOPE! NOPE! We’re not going back to that!
That’s my gimmick, folks: the eyes.
It ain’t much, but you can’t do it.
After that, we cut to some chick who got lost in the ‘80s...
... as she tries to run away from paying a restaurant bill...
... and gets into Ernest’s cab.
You see that guy back there? That’s my mean uncle.
He’s making me work in that restaurant like a slave.
He keeps me locked up in the basement where there’s rats and…
You sit on the throne of lies!
Please don’t let him get me, OK?
You’re safe with us.
Thanks.
I’m, uh…
… I’m Harmony Starr.
Remember that name, ‘cause I’ll be famous someday.
Yes! I, uh, bet you will be.
’ERNEST’ STAR GOES ON KILLING SPREE Witnesses say they "knew she’d be famous someday".
Oh, this is Ernest.
I’m Santa Claus.
Call the police.
So he drops Santa off at the Children’s Museum...
... as he goes in to find a man named Joe Carruthers...
... who he’s hoping will take over the role as Santa for him.
I’m the greatest.
Rrawr! Oh, me, too! Meee, too! Rrawr!
Wow, the effects of “Avatar” aren’t as good as I thought they’d be.
And, uh, that’s why we don’t see dinosaurs around anymore.
Wait a minute, WHAT?!
Years of inconclusive research about what killed the dinosaurs...
... and all this time, the answer was in the head...
... of a bad children’s puppeteer?
How come nobody tells me these things?
Hello, uh…
…do I know you?
Yes, you do.
Your name was originally on a list with several hundred others.
Slowly, for one reason or another, the other names were...
... eliminated.
WHOA! Santa’s got mob ties!
I broke their merry little thumbs...
... and shoved them down the yuletide elevator shaft.
Don’t make me do that to you, Joe.
But now, I’m sure I have the right man for the job.
Job? Uh, what job? I mean, uh, what is this all about?
Joe! You are going to be the new…
... Adolf Hitler!
This is it, Joe. The hand of fate is reaching out to you.
A holiday flick called “Christmas Sleigh.”
Hey, it’s that guy from “No Reservations.”
Blake Farrell had the lead.
At the last minute, he goes skiing, falls flat on his ***...
... and wrecks up a 5-grand nose job. Just like that. Do you love it?
I love it, yes. Talk about…
Don’t make me add you two to my list.
I want you to tint your hair and lose the beard.
No, Joe, no!
Who is this guy? Already, I don’t like him a lot.
How ironic!
That’s what most people say when they watch “No Reservations.”
My name is Sant-
Excuse me, Mr. Santos. We’re having a conversation.
May we continue, please?
My goodness! My sack!
Uhm…yeah.
If an old man ever shouts in the middle of a conversation...
... “My sack!” it’s probably best just to run away.
So he realizes he left his bag of toys at Ernest’s cab.
Meanwhile, Joe’s agent tries to keep both Santa and Joe...
... away from each other.
I’m Marty Brock. I’m Joe’s agent.
So, Mr. Santos, do you live around here?
Why, no. I have to go and find Joe. Excuse me.
Uh, what about now, Mr. Santos?
The name is Santa Claus.
Ooh.
I love the way he says that line! It is so deadpan serious!
The name is Santa Claus.
It almost sounds like a Schwarzenegger line or a Stallone line...
... doesn’t it? I mean it’s just so badass!
The name is Santa Claus.
You know what?
I want to hear that line just before an action movie starts.
What about now, Mr. Santos?
The name is Santa Claus.
Ian Flemming’s Santa Claus in ‘Dr. Ho’
But sadly, admitting his true identity doesn’t work out quite well.
I’m just looking for my sack. It’s big, red, and tied up with string!
Why won’t you help me find my sack?
Meanwhile, Ernest heads over to a friend named Verne’s house...
... to drop off a Christmas tree.
I guess he sort of adopted this ‘80s chick as well.
Ho, ho, ho, Verne! Merry Chri-
Wow, I think the movie just rejected him.
It’s Santa’s little party helper.
Hi!
This is Harmony.
She’s been having a tough time, so I’m helping her out.
Now, as you may have guessed, we never actually see Verne...
... which is a little weird.
I mean, is he just filming everything that Ernest is doing right now?
What’s that, Verne?
You’re filming this for court?
Pictorial evidence?
Cool!
Yeah, when does Verne drop the camera...
... and start pummeling the hell out of Ernest, anyway?
As the twig is bent, so grows the tree. Know what I mean?
It’ll look good right over here.
Wonder if it might fit.