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- You sellin'?
(Chuckling)
(Grunting)
- Oh! Here ya go!
(Coughing): - Yup, it's pure!
There's only one guy who can make moonshine this good.
You must be White Lightning Willie.
- Darn right, I am!
The first one's free. The second one will cost ya.
(Chuckling)
(♪ Humming ♪)
- Bill just touched his head. That's our sign!
(Engine starting, tires screeching)
- What the hellfire! Cops!
- Nope! We're bounty hunters, and you're under arrest!
- All right, all right! I'll go peacefully.
(Grunting, chugging)
- Stop that!
- Hey! Hey! No! Stop!
- Hang on now, I remember that ugly lip rug!
A few years back,
you nabbed me for possession of ***
with the intent to guzzle.
You is a cop!
- I was a cop, now I'm a bounty hunter.
- Why'd you switch jobs?
- Well, it's funny you ask, Willie,
because, I tell you, it is an interesting story!
(Both groaning)
It was a warm summer's day 3 years ago
when the world first lost its innocence.
My job was keeping the townspeople safe,
and they loved me for it.
Use the crosswalk, Ms. Neal.
- (Both): Hmm!
- But everything changed the moment that black car showed up.
(Groaning)
115 to HQ,
we have got a 21-10 on the 87-05.
I repeat, a 21-10 on the 87--
- (Man on CB radio): Dang it, Barton, just talk regular!
- (Jeff): That thing charged through town
like a runaway bulldozer,
with no regard for our community's safety.
(Children laughing, siren wailing)
(Men, women and children screaming)
Have no fear, citizens! This madman will be stopped!
(Screaming continues)
Once we hit the open highway,
my old cruiser didn't stand a chance.
What I needed was an act of God!
(Metal crashing)
The Methodist bought an organ
from the Baptist across the street,
and that day everybody got a reminder
that God works in mysterious ways.
Skeeter Creek Police! Come out with your hands up!
- Dammit, Jeff, what's got your *** in a bunch?
- Mayor Tompkins?
Yup, it was the town's mayor,
judge, school superintendent
and all-around crook.
- I'm just out for a Sunday drive in my new car!
Take your gun and go home, you killjoy!
- Yeah, well, I'm afraid I can't do that.
You are under arrest for reckless driving,
vehicular "skeeter-cide" and, whoo, driving while hammered!
Huh? Hey there, Chief!
It's about time you showed up!
- Smits, get this clown off of me!
- Don't mind him, he's been-- Hey!
- Barton, you done screwed up
worse than a sheepdog at a candle factory.
- What does that even mean?
- Who cares! You're fired!
Go clean out your locker!
- NO!
(Screaming continues)
- OK, we get it. You screamed a long time.
- The crooked police chief police fired me,
the best cop on the whole force,
just to protect his crook buddy, the mayor.
As I like to say, it was a big lesson in small-town politics.
- How do you make him stop?
- You can't!
- Well, the only good news is
at some point he's gonna have to sleep.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Somebody's in our office!
- Don't move!
- Hey, fellas!
- What the hell are you doing here?
- You have faster Internet, so I come here to watch videos
of a, let's say, romantic nature.
(Men groaning)
- Ugh! On my computer?
- Well, since my plans have been interrupted,
I might as well tell ya, I got another bounty for ya.
Name's Rooster Babbitt.
This junkie will tear to shreds
anything that comes between him and his nasty addiction.
(Sighing)
- Another soul lost to ***.
- Close! Energy drinks.
He's hooked on a really strong one called Powder Keg.
(Slurping)
Mmm, I love this stuff!
Anyway, I just got a call.
Rooster smashed his truck into Fatty's Bakery,
and robbed Old Man Fatty of his hard-earned cash.
You guys gotta go find Rooster before the cops do.
- All right, y'all! Come on, let's check it out!
- Looks like date night is back on!
- I can't decide what's better: jelly donuts or glazed.
Better eat 'em both!
- Hey, Hollis, check it out!
Somebody called the mall cops.
- (Laughing): You're funny, Smits!
- What would you know about being a cop, Smits?
You've never enforced a law in your *** life!
- Also, everybody knows jelly donuts is the best!
(Laughing): Man, that guy's dumb!
- Mm-hmm! Let me guess, you were just here bustin' your hump
to make your community a better place,
and then some jerk on a power trip
comes along and just yanks it all away!
- I was making pecan sticky buns,
but, yeah, it was pretty much like that.
- So, did this Rooster guy
say anything that might help us track him down?
- He did mumble a few things,
that his momma was a plus-size stripper,
that having teeth was overrated,
oh, and while he was cleaning out my register,
he asked where he could steal a buttload of Powder Keg.
I told him I always buy it at the Fetch 'N' Get.
Man, this stuff's good!
(Slurping)
- Thanks for your help. Well, it is clear what we need to do!
- Try that Powder Keg everybody's talkin' about?
- No! We need to stake out the Fetch 'N' Get!
- I don't see why we can't do both.
(Dog barking)
- Moustache Man to Jughead, any sign of Rooster?
- My name's not Ninja. Either way, the coast is clear.
SEAL Team Bill, how's it lookin' over there?
- It's lookin' real good!
- As soon as he shows,
you gotta block him with the truck before he hits the store.
- You've been eyeing that hemorrhoid cream for 20 minutes!
- (Larry): Hey, Bill, did ya you hear that?
Jeff's got hemorrhoids!
(Laughing)
Oh dang, it's Rooster!
- Bill! Bill!
BILL! - What? Aaah!
(Panting)
(Groaning)
- Oh! That was so terrifying,
my heart started beatin'!
- Hand over your money and your energy drinks!
And not the sugar-free kind! Ain't nobody got time for that.
- (Jeff): Your bashin' days are over, Rooster!
(Gasps)
- Back off, Barton!
I'm gonna give this fool the beatin'
his daddy never did!
- Hey, hey! He's mine!
(Both grunting)
(Screaming)
- Get your bounty-huntin' hands off of me! You--
(Smits and Jeff grunting)
- Freeze!
Who's laughin' now?
Seriously, who's laughin'?
I can hear it, but I don't see who's doin' it.
And who released them bats? Oh, I need a drink!
(Chugging)
Ah! Yeah!
- That'll be $3.95.
- Shut up, you! Whoa! Whoa!
Step back, or Porky and Freckle Face get it!
Now, each of you grab a box of drinks and get in that truck!
- Rooster's takin' him hostage!
(Rooster chugging)
- (Bethany): This here's a nightmare!
(Tires screeching)
- Poor Jeff!
- It's a dark day, people. It's a dark day.
(Slurping)
This stuff is delicious!
(Chugging)
- Now, that's the ticket!
- You know, my dad always told me
I'd die in a broken- down trailer someday,
but you and your backwards cop ways
are gonna make it happen early!
- Me? You practically handed that lunatic my gun!
Thanks for reminding everybody
why you couldn't cut it as a police officer!
- Shut up!
- Thank you!
I was about to tell him that my--
- You too! And give me your damn phone!
(Laughing)
- (Larry): What if we don't get Jeff back?
Then there'd be nobody to tell us what to do
or pay us our crappy salaries
or yell at us for fartin' in the truck!
- Just hearin' all that makes me miss him even more!
(Cell ringing)
- It's him! Hello, Jeff?
- Wrong! This here's Rooster, so listen up!
Them hostages are alive,
but if you want 'em stayin' that way,
you gotta give me what I want!
- OK! OK! We'll give you whatever you ask for,
no matter how crazy!
- I want $7,329 in fives and ones,
plus a roll of quarters for my laundry,
oh, and 10 cases of Powder Keg, berry or orange flavour,
and a mangy junkyard dog with problems,
like nobody wants to be his friend
'cause his folks move a lot.
- Money, energy drinks, unpopular dog. Got it!
- And also, I need you to say: "Son, I'm proud of you."
- Oh boy!
- Son, I'm proud of you, even though you're a big 'ol mess.
- Sorry, Daddy, I'll try harder.
Now, give me my stuff, or those two are gonna get it!
- We gotta take this straight to the big guy!
- Jesus?
- Uh, him too,
but I meant the mayor.
(Whistles)
- Boy, the mayor knows how to live!
- Howdy-do, boys?
- Oh, jeez!
Quite a staff you have, Mr. Mayor!
- Betty ain't my staff, exactly.
She's a city executive, runs the sanitation department.
Don't ya, hun?
(Giggling)
- I don't know!
- Run along, sweetheart.
If a reporter asks, she did know.
Kidnapped?
As mayor, I'm here to serve,
so believe you me,
I won't rest till I get Chief Smits back.
- And Jeff.
- Yeah, yeah. Sure, him too.
You know, it's for times like this
that I got my in-home sports bar staffed
with hotties trained in crisis response.
- Y'all doin' OK?
- Ginny, darlin', we need 2 things:
To get a big pile of nachos and to go to crisis mode.
- Yes, sir!
(Alarm blaring)
- Here is the situation.
I ain't caving to no demands!
We gonna track this sucker down
with good, old-fashioned Southern know-how.
Everybody clear?
- Love it! Totally with you!
One thing: You think we could get the Cowboys game
on one of those TVs?
Not that I don't care about Jeff. I do.
But, you know, there is more to life.
- If you'd have just let me do my job
and work over Rooster real nice with my billy club,
I'd be home drinking beer with my wife right now.
- A cop's job is to enforce the law, Smits,
not deliver the punishment.
- Oh, now the mall cops--
- Quiet! You see any Powder Kegs?
I think I'm out! Oh!
- (Jeff): Let's everybody just calm--
- Where's my ransom stuff? What's the hold up?
- I'm sure they're working as quickly as they--
- Maybe they don't think I'm serious!
Maybe it's time I send a message.
- Whoa! Whoa!
Easy now! Easy!
- I ain't gonna kill ya.
I'm just gonna cut off a little,
so they know I mean business!
(Laughing maniacally)
(Screaming)
- Just keep your eyes and ears peeled for anything suspicious.
See you in half an hour.
Our pizzas are on their way.
- Someone dropped this package on the porch!
Evidence indicates it's from the kidnapper!
- (Bill): What evidence?
- Give me that!
- Wait! That could be some kind of poisonous snake!
- (Larry): It don't feel wiggly.
- Open 'er up.
(Both screaming)
It just got serious,
though I always hated Jeff's moustache.
- Mr. Mayor, this gentleman has information on our case.
- Who you callin' a gentleman,
you scrawny bag of bones!
- What do you got, Bethany?
- A real jumpy fella called me,
asking how much Powder Keg I had in stock.
Guy sounded desperate,
like Bill when he's waiting for the new Trucks and Ta-tas
to come out.
- I--I really like trucks.
- I had a hunch and some liquorice I could use as a pen,
so I wrote down the guy's number off the caller ID.
Yeah, I pay the extra $2.99 a month.
I'm doin' all right.
- There's an address for that phone,
but it's way out in the sticks!
It'd take us 2 hours to drive there!
(Chuckling)
- I know a short cut.
(Both gasp)
- If we had one of them deals when I was at school,
I'd have shown up now and then!
- It was between buying this and buying new books,
and finally, I just asked myself:
"What do our kids want most?"
- Nailed it!
- They ain't giving me my ransom!
Oh, I'm so thirsty and angry!
(Groaning loudly)
I'll teach your friends not to give into my demands!
- You ignoramus! That's gas!
- That's right, half-moustache guy!
'Cause if your buddies won't give me more Powder Kegs,
I just gotta make my own.
(Blowing rapidly)
(Laughing maniacally)
- Who did this to my camper?
Ha! I did!
Oh no! Look what I did!
I'm such an idiot!
- You know, if you hadn't kicked me off the force,
none of this would've happened!
But no, you had to protect your corrupt pal!
- Dammit, you've been spewing that same dumb story
for years, Barton!
And since you can't run away,
it's time I made you hear the truth!
You'd already ruined one person's day
with your rule-followin' B.S.!
(Gasps)
(Tires screeching)
- Ah!
- But you were just gettin' warmed up.
(Siren wailing and tires screeching)
You smashed into Doc Johnson's minivan,
and you busted up the late, great Super Skeeter!
'Cause nothing was more important to you
than your *** for Lady Law!
You even bashed in that poor, defenceless church organ
and the right side of the church!
- OK! OK, technically, that is all true,
but boil it down,
and it is the mayor's fault for driving while Cootered,
which is against the law,
which means you fired me for doing my job!
- No, I didn't, you gas bag!
I fired you to save your ***!
- What?
- After your lame driving destroyed the town,
you'd have been ripped to shreds!
There would've been an investigation, lawsuits,
years of bad press.
Who knows what?
So I booted you out of the line of fire
and hushed things up the Smits way.
I stole a pile of cash from the evidence locker
and ponyed up for a new minivan,
the rebuilding of Super Skeeter,
a ton of church repairs,
and then I held onto the rest for,
you know, incidentals.
- So all this time, you fired me to protect me?
- Well, that and it's more fun to pay people off
than testify in court.
Not to mention--
Ah! Sweet mother, my foot's on fire!
- No, don't put that out!
Your flaming boot is just what we need!
Can you do a leg lift?
- I eat a dozen donuts a day!
What do you think?
- No, it's our only shot!
If you can set that rope on fire,
you'll free our hands!
- It's so like you to make me exercise.
(Grunting)
- Come on, come on! You can do it!
You can do it! Yes!
Push it! Come on!
Yes! Just a little further!
Yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Ooh! Ooh!
(Screaming)
- Show off.
(Grunts)
(Explosion)
- Well, if we never find them, at least I can now say
I've been in a helicopter with hot girl pilot named Bambi.
- Look! Smoke and fire!
And I think I see 2 people down there!
- Lord, please let one of them be Jeff!
(Laughing)
His moustache looks ridiculous!
- Ooh! Give me, give me, give me...
- You know, I thought I'd never say this,
but we wouldn't have gotten out of there alive
if we hadn't worked together.
- Like they say,
sometimes the armadillo's the alligator's best pal.
Point is that my foot's still smokin',
and I guess I could use your ugly face
to help bring that *** in.
- Hey, y'all!
Rooster's got a hostage at Fatty's Bakery!
He's fixin' to blow the place up!
- That's where I get my bear claws!
- We'll take care of it
for law, for order, and for the love of--
- Let's just do this!
- Is Rooster talking?
- Well, 'bout 15 minutes ago,
he screamed that his blood was turnin' into scorpions.
- He's going into withdrawal.
We gotta be really careful here,
and that means sticking to the plan.
It's your old pal, Jeff Barton!
- You again!
- You gotta let Fatty get back to work,
'cause without donuts,
this town is gonna be crawling with angry cops
and irate diabetics!
- What do I get out of it?
- A case of cold, delicious Powder Keg.
- Ooh! I need that! I need that real bad!
- But wait! There's more!
- You'll get your drink,
but only if you leave town
and promise never to set foot here again,
and you gotta let me give you a light beating
to teach you a lesson!
- That don't sound quite legal!
- You know, sometimes you gotta break a few rules!
- Oh, man! Jeff and Smits working together.
Who'd have thunk?
-Tell ya what, I'm usually a fan of teamwork,
but them two gettin' along
kind of makes me a little gassy.
(Farting)
Oh, damn!
- So what's it gonna be, Rooster?
- No Tasers?
- Just a good, old-fashioned billy club.
- Well, that would take care of these dang scorpions.
Let's do it!
- Oh! Oh!
(Rooster grunting)
(Crowd cheering)
- Nice work.
- You too.
(Stomach gurgling, groaning)
- Pansy-***, Cub Scout dipwad.
- Heh! You no-good mayor's toady buffoon!
- Ah! There you go. That's more like it!
- Hmm...
- Oh, I know! I'll just colour it in!
- No, no. It's too Groucho.
- Here, I chopped a thumb off an old mitten.
A little glue, and you're good to go.
- No, too woolly.
Oh!
- Well, we can't make you any less ugly, Jeff,
but how 'bout we join ya?
Bill and me would be happy to shave off half our goatees.
- We would?
- Hey, jerkwads. How's it-- Oh!
- Something we can help you with?
(Lisa laughing)
- (Bill): Oh God!
It's gonna be a rough couple of weeks.
(Grunting)
- Dad!
What are you doing?
- If I didn't take it, somebody else would!
- Give me that. - Hey!
- What the hell happened around here?
- It's that big, fat Jerry McNab and his Road Hog biker gang!
They're pissed at you for tossing Jimmy in the slammer.
They say they're gonna occupy our town
until the jail lets him go!
- Oh! Uh...
- Wanna run that back inside, sweetheart?
(Spanking, laughing)