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Tonight,
I talk to a man in sunglasses.
James draws a square on a wall.
And Richard plays with
a soldier's chopper.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, good evening.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
Now, in the '60s and '70s
the TV schedules were awash with
detective shows like The Baron,
Department S, The Protectors, The
Persuaders, The Saint, The Avengers.
You have no idea what
I'm talking about, do you?
Let me explain. They were all
basically the same, OK?
Every week a good looking man would
run into a swanky hotel, punch a
swarthy looking man in a Fez and
then go to bed with a pretty lady.
Anyone here old enough to
remember that? Yeah, you, exactly.
The only difference was
the cars they all drove, OK?
This is Brett Sinclair,
Aston Martin DBS.
Steed had a Broadspeed tuned Jag.
And there is The Saint
with his Volvo P1800.
Now, the interesting thing is
that almost none of them ever drove
the Jensen Interceptor, and I think
there's a very good reason for that.
It looks fantastic, but it was built
very badly by people who didn't
seem to care what they were doing.
Let me give you one example.
When the people on the Jensen
production line needed a new
steering rack they'd go to
the steering rack factory and buy
one, often without bothering to
check what car it was for.
Some Interceptors were apparently
sold fitted with steering racks
designed for the Triumph Stag.
That, then, is why it wasn't very
popular with the TV heroes
of yesteryear.
It would never have worked properly.
Now, though, a small company
based here in the lungs of England
has launched an updated version,
which does.
In the old car the big Chrysler
engine turned petrol into noise,
but very little power was produced
on the way,
so they've taken that
engine out and thrown it away.
In its place there's a 6.2 litre
V8 from the modern day Corvette.
The rear suspension is modern, too,
as are the brakes.
But, critically, the body,
that glorious Italian styling,
that's untouched.
And it still has the best name
ever put on a car...
Interceptor.
So, what we have here then is much
the same as that house over there.
It's old and it's beautiful, but it
has central heating, it has all the
appurtenances of modern living.
And unlike that modern day E type
we looked at the other day
this doesn't cost £500,000.
This is 112,000.
I know that's a lot if you're on
benefits, but it's not a lot
if you're on Elton John.
I mean, if you are Elton John.
And it's really not a lot when
you see what this car can do.
Thanks to 429 horsepower, 0 to 60 is
dealt with in 4.5 seconds
and the top speed is 167.
It goes, then, like that other
interceptor from the period,
the English Electric Lightning.
However, it as thirsty as the jet,
and as noisy.
The engine in this, though,
sounds fantastic... I think.
It's hard to be sure because there's
so much wind noise
coming from here
and everywhere else.
It's a reminder, really, that this
car was built in the '70s
in the West Midlands
and these words,
"West", "Seventies", "Midlands,"
they're not bywords for quality.
There are other period features
I don't much care for either.
First of all there's the air
conditioning. Two settings,
sauna or Turkish prison.
Then you've got the wipers, which
are as good at removing water from
the windscreen as a pair of pencils.
And then there's
the steering system.
It's original, so it could be from
a Triumph Stag or it could be from
a lawn mower, who knows?
What I do know is to make the car
move that much
you have to do quite a lot
of flailing at the wheel.
There are, however, some
period features I love.
The traditional white on black
dials are the sort you get
in war films, that you tap
when they tell you bad news
and then they tell you good news.
Oh no, I've got no fuel!
Oh, look, I've got a full tank!
I also like having the
dim dip switch on the floor.
And, look at that radio!
'This is the BBC Home Service.'
It's from the James May collection.
So, how do we sum this car up?
Certainly it's more of a
grand tourer than a raging
B road barnstormer, but I
think that what it is most of all
is a time machine.
In my head, right now this is not
Top Gear and this is not 2011.
It's 1972, I have an enormous
moustache and I am the star
of a new TV detective show.
Nice wheels.
Rock your head.
I would have done if you'd
gone within a metre of me!
I did! It was like
you're swatting a fly over there.
That was rubbish. Did you see that?
Yeah, it was rubbish.
We can't just go around
pretending to punch each other.
You need a sort of proper sequence.
Nice wheels, by the way. Isn't it
just the best thing ever?
We need to sort this out.
We need a plan.
So, we adjourned to the
Top Gear office to plan our
Interceptor tribute show.
Why don't we just make
the title sequence? Mmm.
Title sequence is a good idea because
that tells the whole story.
It sums up the atmosphere
and the setting. Exactly.
They're always very short and
they often end with a freeze.
Yeah, exactly.
And everyone turns like that.
And there's always somebody
doing karate chops on people.
No, there's always a karate chop,
shooting, car chase. Explosion.
And then there was never any blood.
No. People were shot extensively.
Very close.
Very close, and they never bled.
If anything ever has a button on it
or a light, they're massive. Girls.
Do you remember that
bit in The Persuaders?
Roger Moore, Tony Curtis,
walking along, girl in
a bikini walks between them for no
obvious reason and they both go...
And the good thing about
a karate chop is there's no blood.
Because you wouldn't need blood.
The whole shooting and no blood.
Karate chop, no blood,
you just fall over. There is karate.
You can do a karate chop.
It's just there always was.
You get out of the car, karate.
There was a karate specialist.
You could be a karate specialist.
Yeah. Well, let's get out
there and make a title sequence.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Did you kick that girl
in the crotch? Yes, I did.
It was actually in her crotch?
You could edit that out.
Can I just ask...?
Can I just ask, why don't we
make that every week? Yes, I know.
I want to be a karate expert.
I want an Interceptor.
I want a moustache.
Well, there you go.
Who here would like us to
stop making this rubbish
and make that instead? Yes!
Because think of the snogging!
And I tell you what,
I know the girl we could have.
Wendi Murdoch! Blam!
Apparently, according to one
newspaper, so must be true,
she growled when she hit him. Oh!
LAUGHTER
Hammond likes a fighty girl.
Anyway, before we do
the news properly,
there's something I need to explain.
Very, very keen viewers may
have noticed that this
hour long programme, is sometimes
62 or even 63 minutes long.
But this week BBC Two have
told us it must be 59 minutes,
no ifs or buts, on the nose.
In fact, all the programmes on
BBC Two tonight must be exactly to
length because they're going at
10.00pm live to the MotoGP race.
Yes.
I'm not interested in bike racing.
That's hardly relevant!
Just because you're not interested
doesn't mean that the BBC
should deny all the people who are
the opportunity of seeing it.
Bike racing only works on YouTube.
What? Well, you just see the crashes
and then... Oh, don't be sick!
Hands up if you want to
see bike racing? Two...
So, about 8% of the population
want me to get a move on.
Yes, they do, so we're going to
press on and start with the news.
And we start with news you may
have heard of this week, a new
flying car has been announced.
It costs £150,000.
Here's a shot of it in the air.
That's what it looks like as an
aeroplane. And here's a shot of it on
the ground.
It's just a crumpled aeroplane,
isn't it? It just comes pre crashed.
There's an even bigger
problem I've thought of.
I think everybody knows, James, you
do have a light aircraft,
and before you take off you have to
do pre-flight checks. Well, a few,
yeah.
What are they? Eh?!
You have to check the fuel...
Why do you check the fuel?
So it hasn't got water in it.
How would water get into the fuel?
Oh, we haven't got time for this!
No, I'm very interested.
No, we haven't got time for this.
It's only bike racing.
James, tell me more about your
pre-flight checks. No, just...
Actually, you know what?
Even I would rather watch bike
racing than listen to James talk
about his pre-flight checks.
Exactly, so get on.
So, I will move it on. Now, there's
a company in America called SSC
and they brought out a car
called the Aero, which,
for a time, was the fastest car in
the world, verified by Guinness.
Faster than the Bugatti Veyron.
Now they've come up with
another new car.
I've got a picture of it here.
We have no details at all,
but we do know its name.
It's called the Twatawahfur.
That's interesting.
Is this going to be a rival for
the new Pagani Huhurrua?
What?
The replacement for the Zonda,
it's called that Hurh...
Hurraher. It's spelt H-U-A-Y-R-A.
The Hurh...
Huayra. So, you've got a choice
now, if you're a wealthy person,
between the Twatawahurrr,
or the Hurwarrrrrrrr.
So, are car makers now naming their
cars after the noises people make
when they're punched in the stomach?
The Lamborghini Blurgha!
Mini recently announced a new car.
It's called The Mini
Inspired By Goodwood.
Stupid name, stupid price. £41,000.
For a Mini? For a Mini.
41 grand. However, Aston
has now gone one better, OK?
We've got this new car, it's
called the Cygnet and Colette
and that's £43,000. Eh?!
43 grand for that!
And we should point out
that is a Toyota iQ.
Yes, it starts out as an 11 grand
Toyota.
Aston Martin take the Toyota badges
off, put Aston Martin ones on,
the price goes up to 31,000.
They've now added the
Colette badges, 43 grand.
So, what do you get for that
extra 12 grand on top, then?
You need to look inside.
Here they are, two cushions.
LAUGHTER
Wait a minute.
What is the Cygnet AND Colette?
It sounds like a lap dancing duo
from Leeds.
An ice skating duo,
Cygnet and Colette.
No, to be honest, we know that
the Cygnet part is an
Aston Martin Cygnet.
It's the Colette thing.
What is Colette? It sounds
like a feminine hygiene product.
Argh!
What? I made a mistake.
Did you?
You get more than just the cushions.
I do apologise. You also get
quilted sun visors, some biscuits.
I'm just quoting what you get.
"A guide to Paris,
a plastic camera, an empty bottle
"and four compilation CDs featuring
bands such as The Morning Benders."
LAUGHTER
So, basically they're selling you
a small Toyota full of clutter.
Oh, now, the most
important thing, obviously.
A couple of weeks ago I
showed you all a bird deposit
on the back of my Range Rover.
You may remember. Yes, we do.
And I invited viewers to send in
pictures of bird dirt on their car
that was more substantial.
We've had some, I admit.
Oh, yeah. Here's one from Africa.
I think we know who did it!
This is a marabou stork.
God's cruellest joke, this bird.
Yeah, we haven't really got
time for one of your bird lectures.
You're getting it because this is
more interesting than bike racing.
God knew that bird was going to live
in Africa when he gave it bald legs.
Now, I'm sorry, but
that's a bit unkind.
So, its legs get hot and sunburnt
and the only way it can cool them
down, and I'm not making this up,
is to wee on them constantly.
Yeah, but, Jeremy...
So it wees on its legs. Car show.
We're a car show.
A giant stork that wees on its knees
is not strictly our kind of deal.
It is if it's standing
on a Mitsubishi Lancer.
No! Which it is, so there's
a car element to my story.
Anyway there's another... You what?
That's a Galant.
What a cretin you are!
That could well be a Galant.
It's a Galant!
APPLAUSE
Remind me never to have
him round for dinner.
How did you know it was a
Galant, you can only see
the back of the television?
Anyway, I've just humiliated
myself and will now commit suicide.
Except, if I do that you'll be able
to watch the bike racing.
Yes, we will.
So, I won't, I shall keep going
with another bird dirt picture.
Now, I don't think a bird did that.
I think that was a man and I
think, if that's your car, you
should report him to the police.
Not that you can because, of course,
they've all resigned. But, anyway...
And that's the end of the news.
It isn't, actually.
Yes, it is. It isn't. It is.
I'm not going to waste time arguing.
Move on!
I will move it on because
I want to talk about sport.
You see, anyone can kick a football
around and get an idea of what it
would be like to be David Beckham.
Anybody can pick up a golf bat
and get an idea of what it
would like to be a Freemason.
Let's get on with your point. If you
want to drive a Formula One car you
have to be a Formula One driver.
An ordinary mortal can't just
go into a Formula One factory
and buy one, except now you can.
This is the new Lotus T125.
And straight away, an anorak would
say, "that's not a Formula One car."
And that's right.
It isn't.
But it does come with a Cosworth V8,
a sequential gearbox,
full downforce,
a complicated steering wheel,
a hand-operated clutch and all
the other F1 trimmings as well.
For instance,
included in the price is Geoff,
who is a fitness instructor.
Alfonso, who will cook for you
and your friends,
and a team of mechanics who
will accompany you
and your car to any race
track in the world.
You also get a truck which is fitted
with all the things you need,
including a Jean Alesi...
So let's just get this straight.
If I buy one of these cars,
I get you,
a former Ferrari Formula One driver,
to teach me how to drive it?
It is like that.
The only problem is that it is single
seat.
When you are in, you are alone.
Well, exactly.
You will have to
follow my instruction.
Jean's first job was to get me
comfortable in the car.
The position is extremely important,
because it is where you will
have the feeling and the feedback
from what is happening.
Erm.
Now, you see...
No, that is not the correct position.
Well it is the position that I...
that's it. It's my seat.
Because I was
so generously proportioned,
the only option was to remove
the seat altogether.
OK... Well, I'm in. Yeah.
But I am sitting on the floor.
OK, but now, with the foam,
we will feel... With the foam?
A special foam. It's like being
taught by Inspector Clouseau, this.
Is there going to be a "minkey"
coming in a minute?
No, we have a special foam,
and you will really feel at home.
The foam fitting was rather
disturbing.
Why... what are you doing?
You're in my actual ***.
That was my actual *** that
you put your hand in.
It is a part of the programme!
Things that just happened that I
didn't think would happen today...
Jean Alesi, who I used to
hero-worship, is playing
with my genitals.
And Jean. Yeah?
Compared to the Formula One cars of,
I don't know, pick a period.
'90s? Is this as fast as that?
I would say '90s, yes.
A lot faster.
This is faster than a '90s
Formula One car?
Yes, because you have a lot
more downforce.
We have a floor which
guarantees 60% of the downforce.
Really? So, it's got more downforce
than even today's Formula One cars?
Definitely, yes. In terms of power,
obviously it's down?
We have 640 horsepower.
Which is really enough for 600 kilo.
Soon, I was ready for my first ever
taste of Formula One.
ENGINE REVS
ENGINE STALLS
Oh f... no!
Erm...
Holy cow! Oh!
That's acceleration, and I'm not
even going fully down on the
throttle.
It's just terrifying.
Oh, I can't turn the wheel!
My legs are in the way!
God, this is quite horrible!
Unlike a Formula One car, which will
rev to 17 or 18,000...
Ow!
..this is limited to just 10,500,
and I'm glad about that!
I've lost all the temperature out of
the tyres. Oh, I don't like this.
No, no, no. No, I don't want this.
Thank you. I've driven a car that's
got this much power before, and I've
driven a car on slicks before, and I
drove a car that weighs as little as
this before, but I've never driven
a car that has all of those things.
Together.
HE SIGHS
Nicer.
HE LAUGHS
It wasn't nice.
It had been terrifying.
And to explain why,
I switched to my own car.
My mind tells me that it's OK to
turn into the follow-through,
which is coming up now,
at 90 miles an hour.
The thing is, in the Lotus,
I have to tell my mind,
it's OK to go through that corner
at 160 miles an hour.
And what's more, if I tried to do
it in the Lotus at 90,
there won't be enough air going over
the wings, so there won't be much
downforce, and the tyres will be
cold, so there won't be much grip.
If I do it at the speed my mind says
is safe, I will crash,
and I will be killed.
To stay alive, I have to go faster
than my mind thinks is possible.
Then,
there's the question of braking.
If I want to slow down enough at the
hammerhead which is down there,
in this car which has enormous,
ventilated discs, I would
have to start braking at this
point, 140 metres from the corner.
But what if you braked the
Lotus at this point?
So, he's come to a dead stop,
never mind slowing-down enough,
60 yards from the corner.
So, what that means is,
when I'm driving the Lotus,
I have to come past here,
with my foot buried in the loud
pedal, still going like hell here,
still not braking, still not
even thinking of braking
at this point, not here,
that would be stupid, I would look
like an idiot.
My mind is now SCREAMING at me,
stop! Stop!
You're going to be killed,
but I'm still accelerating.
And when I get to about here,
then I'll brake.
And I don't think I've got the balls
for that.
To spur me on,
I unchained the Stig.
Unlike me, this is a man that drives
as fast as a car will go,
not as fast as he thinks he can go.
And what he's doing now is setting
a lap time on our short circuit
in V8 powered Ariel Atom, the
fastest road car we've ever tested.
He did it in 36.2 seconds.
So, can a fat, frightened
51-year-old man
overcome the limitations of his own
mind and beat that time?
Wish me luck, everybody.
ENGINE STOPS
Oh, bloody hell!
Going a bit too hard through there!
I've got to get used to these
brakes!
They just feel useless
until you stand on them!
It's all over the place!
I am literally all over
the place here!
37.9, Jeremy.
37.9 seconds was my last lap!
The whole thing is jumping about
like a wild animal!
Come on, Jeremy! Yes!
Oh, Jesus, no!
Ballsed it up. 37.7.
37.7. Oh, no!
Oh, for crying out bloody loud!
Clearly it was time for
another chat with Yoda.
Gears for the corners,
Hammerhead, second?
Second, for the first one, for the
left. And first for the right.
First for the right?!
Yes, because otherwise,
the car is pushing down,
so you use the engine braking to
make the back slide a little bit.
Yep.
Then, you keep the 6th for the fast
corner. 6th gear? Keep the 6th.
Then, second gear. For the Chicago.
Through the tyres. Yes. Yes.
And then...
With the noise curfew on our track
fast approaching,
this was my last chance to
beat 36.2 seconds.
20 minutes. 20 minutes to try
and beat that time.
Come on, now, come on!
Come on! Come on!
Yes, finally, I have got the Chicago
worked out.
Come on!
Feeling cramp in my hands!
37.5, Jeremy. 37.5!
Oh, that's braking! And the neck!
My neck is absolutely destroyed!
That's 37 dead. 37. Come on!
Ow, my head!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
35.8. Yes! Yes! Yes!
35.8! 35.8!
Eat that, Stig!
Yes, yes, yes!
I'm a Formula One driver! Yes! Yes!
APPLAUSE
Well done. Thank you. Well done.
And I looked good.
I looked good in that suit.
I am slightly. What? No, well done.
You did good.
But I'm slightly confused by this.
So, if you buy one of these,
you don't actually race it.
No, what you do is,
you hire a track, you ring Lotus,
they bring your car to the track
with the mechanics, the chef,
all the things I talked about there,
and you drive it around
until your neck hurts
and then you go home.
How much does all this cost?
£650,000.
You see, that is quite a lot.
Is it worth it?
Well, if you're one of the Scottish
people that won the Euro
lottery millions, then, you know,
it's probably worth it.
I mean, you'd have
to lose a few pounds.
LAUGHING AND GROANING
I don't mean that cruelly.
I genuinely don't mean that cruelly,
and anyway,
people in glass houses. But, the
fact is, it's agony. It really is.
I was going around Chicago,
yet my head is just really,
like it's being pulled off,
and you know you can't accelerate to
go round to the Hammerhead,
until you can get your head back
upright and rested on the air box.
I know what you mean,
because when I drove that F1 car on
the show a few years ago,
I could not believe how fast you had
to go to make the thing work.
The thing is, that Formula One car
that you drove, came round here with
the Stig at the wheel,
did a lap in 59 seconds,
now we were very keen to find out
if this would go faster, so we
brought it down here the other day,
and you won't believe this,
in the middle of July in a British
summer, it was raining!
And in a show where we're already
tight for a time,
there is really no
point entering a wet lap in this,
what with that tell us? So we'll get
it back on a dry day and report back
on how it does. Yes, we will.
Now, it's time to put a star in
our reasonably priced car.
Now, my guest tonight has long,
straggly hair
and an incredible ability to heal
the sick and feed the hungry.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus...
it's Bob Geldof!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How are you? Have a seat. Sir Bob!
Great to have you here. Thank you.
Obviously, you've topped what used
to be called the hit parade,
you fed the world,
but what a lot of people don't know,
is that you built the M25.
I built the M23 and M25, Jeremy.
I didn't even know you
built the road to Gatwick as well.
If you know the Merstham interchange
where you come off the 23
onto the 25, that is more or less
were I had my road digging career.
And that is Geldof Corner.
I know you've got Gambon Corner,
which I'm sure we'll see later.
Geldof corner is there, hence the
tailbacks for miles on the M25.
So, when you go round that,
actually, it's one of the best
corners on the motorway network.
And you built that! I built that.
Long before I could drive a car,
they gave me the chance to
drive these immense machines which
I think, it was 11 forward gears
and six reverses.
Two engines.
You've got two throttles,
you've got to sit like this with
both feet on the throttles,
and a big bucket in the middle,
which you drop, and off you go.
And is it hard? It's hard.
I was crap. Yes.
LAUGHTER
And so you ran over a herd
of cattle.
I ran over practically the
same thing,
a guy from the county council.
On the haul roads,
as they're called,
there are no other vehicles allowed.
And the county council guy was
nosing around there for some reason.
I came around the bend,
and here he was in his Renault 4L,
and he just saw this huge thing
and this 18-year-old without
a driving licence coming
down the track.
And I slammed on the brakes
and these huge tyres just rolled
over the front of the Renault,
the bonnet, and I saw the windscreen
pull away from the top
and just flatten the engine
and he was just like this.
I don't know what was happening in
the seat of his pants,
but I saw what was
happening to his face
and I thought he was dead,
I thought I'd killed him.
He got out. The foreman came gunning
up on his Land Rover and just, I
thought I was gone.
I was just on the way out,
and he was just SCREAMING at this
guy who got fired.
The council official got fired? Yes.
Well that saved the council
a few bob!
One of the things that I read about
your road building career
is that your nick name on the
site was Dublin.
Yes.
Wouldn't that apply to absolutely
everyone, also working on the site?!
No. Hey, Dublin! 5,000 people!
"What?!"
No, because there were two crowds,
essentially,
building the roads, certainly with
this construction company,
there was a West Country crowd and
there were as an Irish crowd.
It was like, I landed in India,
not that long back,
on an Air India flight, and there
were three other Air India flights,
and this is in India, and there was
a man at the barriers
with a sign saying, Mr Patel,
and I just thought,
that's not going to work, is it?!
It's the same as Dublin on this
site. What sort of driver are you?
Not good. Really, I'm not.
I've got a Previa, because I
had 600 children. And, you know...
And 900 names between them. Yes.
And all excellent.
And, you know, it's just,
a superb thing.
You're up high,
you have got this big, broad vision.
You go like this
and the wheel turns.
You've just got endless amount of
power in the thing.
There isn't an endless amount of
power in a Toyota Previa.
It's a horrible car.
No, it's not, it's really not.
I'm Mr Big on Toyota.
I've got a Lexus, so I don't pay
the congestion charge.
Oh, the hybrid one.
And also, Jeremy, I think you should
start now becoming a little
more environmentally aware.
You know.
I am very aware of the environment
and I'm still not interested in it.
You're a businessman now.
Sometimes.
And you've got a lot of TV
production companies. So, how much
time do you have left for music?
As most of the time, I do music,
so there's still a lot of the
time spent on the Africa stuff,
business stuff, music
and the family, but the only thing
I like doing, being specific,
the only thing that I like doing is
music. Really?
You're touring, soon, aren't you?
Yes. September and November here.
So, North and South. Because you
had the album out, what...?
Three months ago. Three months ago.
Which was Bob Geldof age, well, it's
actually, what was it, 58 and three
quarters? 58 and a half.
I was going to call it that,
and then I saw a book called How To
Compose Popular Songs That Will Sell
and I thought, that was more ironic.
It's a good title, that. Yes.
It doesn't fit on iTunes very
easily, how to, oh, there we go.
You released that three months ago.
Why, because you know how to use
iTunes?! I do!
What do you listen to in the car?
What do I listen to?
Rat Trap, I Don't Like Mondays.
Classics.
Classics from the late '70s.
Yes.
I presume you've got an iPhone
thing. No, I don't have that.
We spent about two hours before this
extolling the virtues of the
Nokia 6310.
Does anyone remember the 6310? Yeah.
Five days without a charge.
Well, that's how long I do,
because I've got no friends,
so nobody rings me up.
There's self-evident reasons.
The jeans, being one.
At least I put socks on!
No, he came here.
Look, I'm wearing a sock! But you
don't have beautiful ankles.
A beautiful turned ankle is
something that I admire in somebody.
Your lap, how did it go out there?
I am so crap at this. You start off,
and you're really nervous.
I'm not a speed head,
and then I start to enjoy it
and be able to focus on what the
Stig told me. And I slowed down.
Who would like to
see the lap? Not me.
Come on, let's have a look,
let's see how it went.
ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SCREECH
Come on. BLEEP.
Already, we need the bleep machine
there. Right, first corner.
Where are we going? Nice,
wide line, like the look of that.
Might be time to change gear.
So slow. Go, go.
You've got to change up.
Where are we going?
Oh, wide, you see, that's too fast.
That's skidding wide.
Clarkson, Stig said it's raining now
and the track is getting slippery,
so, that's going to slow me down,
so shut up, I'm not making excuses.
Let's have a look at this
torrential rain, yes,
I can see what the state means.
That's pouring down out there.
Wait, I don't mean pouring down,
do I?
It looks so slow
yet feels so fast.
No, that is just quite slow.
Change gear!
Take this extreme bend at
full throttle, which is frightening.
Oh, I say, that's good. Your
instinct tells you to slow down.
Ooh! You managed to stay off the
bumpy bit, there. This is the worst.
Gambon corner. 0h, it is the worst.
Absolutely awful. This is Gambon.
And you're... a little bit too slow.
Didn't use all of the road,
but never-the-less,
across the line!
APPLAUSE
Last. Where do we think?
Third last. Third last? Yeah.
What, Louie Spence speed?
Yeah. 1.53... No, that was wet.
Yours was dry.
These are all wet.
You need to be looking above them.
I know they are as people,
but with regards to...
So, anyway, Bob Geldof.
Don't say and I'll watch it at home.
I'm embarrassed. Seriously.
It was rubbish.
You did it... Look at him!
You did it in two minutes...
I'm joking. I fully expect that.
He was going, "Mmmm? Mmmm, really?"
One minute 40...
eight
point one. I don't think that is...
APPLAUSE
Faster than Jeff Goldblum!
Oh, God. Average at everything!
Well, not really. I was just
thinking, you're - what are you,
a Knight of the British Empire?
Mmm-hmm.
You were nominated
for a Nobel Peace Prize. Mmm-hmm.
And now, you are the 14th fastest
celebrity ever to go round
our track in a Kia Cee'd. You could
have walked faster than that.
Hands up those that think
you could do... who could be
in the top ten if you did it.
Come on, hands up if you think...
LAUGHTER
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen,
liars, Bob Geldof!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done. Thank you very much.
Bob Geldof, everybody!
How are we doing for time?
No, we're all right.
We're all right. Just press on.
Now, the other day,
we received a challenge from
the world demolition champions.
We're not actually making that up.
There really is such a championship!
There is, and they said to us
that they reckon
they could knock down
a row of houses
faster than we could.
So naturally, we were prepared
to accept this challenge,
but first, we thought we'd do
a bit of practice.
So we got in touch with our
old friends in the Albanian Mafia
and asked them if they had anything
that needed knocking down.
Luckily, they said, "Yes!
"There's a man who annoyed us
very much indeed and it would be
"an enormous help if you would come
over and smash his house to bits."
So, we did.
This is the poor chap's house. This
is where he had obviously tripped up.
And these are the machines
we'd be using.
That there is a digger.
That is a bulldozer.
And that down there is
a big crane with the pecky thing
on the end of it.
Bagsy I have that, it's the biggest.
Bagsy I have the bulldozer.
I'm having it.
'With our choices carefully
worked out,
'Jeremy was keen to get cracking...'
Come on! Go, go, go!
'..but I thought it best
we first examine the house.'
This building is basically
a steel-reinforced concrete frame...
a series of uprights and then beams
joining them together...
and then all the gaps
are filled in with these things,
which are pot bricks.
These are not structural.
They're there simply to...
DRILLING
OK...
Ye-e-e-s! You are history!
Oi! Not yet!
'Throughout the rest of the day,
there were some issues.
'I, for example, was not
that accurate with the digger.'
Oh, no, no! Hang on, hang on.
CLUNK!
Oh, God!
'Jeremy nearly caused a power cut.
'And when Richard stopped off
in town to buy some tea,
'he got a bit confused
with all his lorry's levers.'
Do you do tea?
English breakfast tea for workers.
'But the biggest problem we had
was the house itself.'
Come on!
May? What? It won't fall down.
You try.
'If I'm honest,
that wasn't a great suggestion.
'Everything else we tried failed
as well.'
Back! Give it some welly.
THUD!
JEREMY SIGHS
'In fact, by the time Hammond
got back from clearing up his mess,
'it was almost dark and the house
was still pretty much intact.'
APPLAUSE
Baffling. Absolutely baffling.
Clearly, clearly, it wasn't our fault
that the house was still standing.
No, which left us
with two possibilities.
Either Albanian houses
are built superbly well,
which seems unlikely,
or those diggery things
and the pecky thing,
that equipment was no good.
We very quickly concluded that it
was the equipment that was no good.
So for our challenge
with the experts,
we decided
to use military equipment.
This is the Witham Army
Disposal Yard in Lincolnshire.
It's a giant toy cupboard.
And everything you see here
is for sale.
Can we use this to demolish
the house? No, you can't
use any weapons. Just the vehicle.
Hammond, the driving position
has got you in mind in a Scorpion.
Is that what this is?
Yeah. £30,000. That's what it costs.
Already, I'm seeing buildings just
fall down of their own free will.
Didn't James Blunt use one of these
in Kosovo? It's got peddles!
I thought he had a guitar.
It's the Stormer.
Yeah, the Stormer.
Come on. 20 grand, maximum. Stormer!
That's a good name. £20,000.
So this, or a Ford Focus.
Inside, there was more. And soon,
Hammond started to lose focus.
This is your absolutely bog standard
British Army Land Rover,
cupboard for either, like, you know,
parking ticket money or bullets.
Oh, he's found a Land Rover.
94,000 gentle miles. In a war zone.
Richard... not really what
we're looking for.
Please don't look at Land Rovers.
OK.
That's the fuselage of a Harrier.
These are fantastic.
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
Come on, chaps. Yeah, there's
nothing else to see in here.
HAMMOND SQUEALS
Oh, my... Bloody hell. OH!
Hammond's found the helicopters.
Gazelles. Hey! Oh! Well,
that's it. That's my life over.
'With both my colleagues now
otherwise engaged,
I went off on my own
'to find a vehicle that might be
suitable for our demolition
project.'
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Saxon.
It has an eight-litre,
six-cylinder diesel engine.
Top speed - 30 miles an hour.
Or 60 if the tyres
haven't been shot through.
It has all the things you need -
power steering, automatic gearbox,
selectable four-wheel drive,
grenade launchers.
Side windscreen wipers. Oh, yes.
'James, meanwhile, had decided
that a Willys Jeep would be ideal.
'Although he was finding it
quite difficult to explain why.'
RATTLING
Argh! Oh! Argh!
ARGH!
Argh! Argh!
The problem is that while you could
drive this through a hail
of petrol bombs
and small arms fire
and you'd be fine,
I'm not sure you could drive it
through a building.
Oh, Hammond!
HAMMOND LAUGHS
This is a 1977 Westland Gazelle
helicopter.
One of the fastest helicopters built.
Top speed - 193 miles an hour.
Ha-ha! We've got to get us one
of these. We need one of these.
Eventually, I nailed
some sense into my colleagues
and we all selected
the vehicles we'd be using
for the demolition challenge.
This is a 434
Armoured Recovery Vehicle.
I've gone for it in this spec
because it's got a crane,
which could be very useful to us.
But if all else fails,
it weighs 15 tonnes,
so I could just use it
as a sort of battering ram.
As you would imagine,
mine is much bigger than Hammond's.
This is a CET...
a Combat Engineering Tractor. And
they're all very encouraging words.
It has a bucket on the front
and many other things besides.
Unlike James's, mine is white.
It's also absolutely excellent.
The tiller on the front
is used for mine clearance,
but it can also be used
for pulling down houses.
In my mind. What?
Why is it white? United Nations. Ah!
Yes, this very vehicle has just
come back from the Middle East
where it cleared 100
anti-tank mines.
It's kind of focused on one thing,
isn't it? Mine clearance.
It is a mine clearing...
You aren't clearing mines.
We are knocking a house down.
You've focused on one thing
and we are not doing that thing.
It's a very, very specialised
piece of equipment.
This... Incredibly specialised -
the cab is on hydraulic rams.
Mmm. It senses your weight,
raises it to the correct height,
so that if
there's a blast underneath,
you're cushioned from that blast.
Again, amazing. But it won't be,
cos we're not clearing a minefield.
We're knocking houses down.
You wait till you see
what happens to a house
when it is presented with THIS
moving at 400 rpm.
If the house explodes,
you'll be OK, but that's about it.
It just goes around doing this...
It's like a mechanical cat.
It's a military machine
with some white paint on it.
It isn't military!
It's for clearance and saving lives.
Princess Diana had one of these.
LAUGHTER
The location for our
demolition challenge was
the Christian Fields housing estate
in Kent.
Each team would have to knock down
six houses
and the professionals rocked up
on the day
with a selection of
conventional equipment
that we knew would not work.
As a result, they would be
humiliated by Team Top Gear.
MILITARY MUSIC
HE HUMS
What a machine this is.
1,300 RPM.
I'm doing very nearly
the top speed of six.
'The other machines
were considerably faster,
'so in order
not to keep the chaps waiting,
'I decided to take a shortcut.'
I think he thought, "The things
on the front go round
and smash everything.
"I work for the United Nations."
He failed to work out
it'll be the slowest..
BANGING
You don't suppose
by any chance that...
CRASHING
Ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy
Clarkson, sometimes known as
the silver-tongued
cavalier of the Cotswolds.
I hope that was to come down.
'Before starting, the professionals
had a pre-demolition briefing.'
All the works today are going to be
carried out under BSEN 6187
demolition code of practice.
Richard, can you hand out the method
statements to all the guys, please
and the risk assessments? Yup.
'Mostly, they talked about
health and safety,
so we thought we should, too.'
Don't have an accident.
Don't have an accident.
If you DO have an accident,
remember it was an accident.
'Briefing over,
we got on with discussing the job.'
Why don't you do those, James? OK.
Hammond, you do the cream ones, and
I'll do this lot. That make sense?
Two houses each then, effectively?
Effectively.
'With all the complicated maths out
of the way, it was time to begin.'
KLAXON BLARES
OK. Brace, Brace, brace.
We're going in.
Look at his...
He's concentrating like mad.
He looks like a proper orangutan
when he concentrates.
Firing up the rotors!
Oh God!
Ooh-hoo hoo-hoo-hoo!
Woah!
Ha-ha!
Why didn't we have this in Albania!?
Goodbye, lavatory!
Bricks flying everywhere.
This is bloody brilliant.
Stop there, stop there! Jeremy,
the roof's going to land on it.
'This was no problem
because my destroyer of worlds
'had a special device
for protecting the driver.'
Is that... a remote control for that?
Yes, it is!
You can drive the whole thing
from there? Yes. From there? Yes.
Do you know how to?
No. But how hard can it be?
ENGINE STARTS
Woo-hoo-hoo. Look at that.
Oh, my God!
Now, stand back a bit.
Really? Do you think? Good idea.
Ooh. Argh, argh, argh!
'At the other end of the estate,
the professionals were
working methodically.
'First removing all the rooves.
'And I thought I'd do the same thing
with my army tank.'
Mounted on the back of my 434 is a
big harpoon. I'll fire that over
with a cable attached,
connect the cable up,
drive this way, pull the roof off,
get on with it.
Live and, well, go.
Brilliant.
Let's begin.
The grappling hook will catch on the
roof. That's it. It's caught it now.
Yeah. Here it comes.
Pulling the roof off.
Let's have a look.
It's not off.
'On the plus side, though, the house
now had another upstairs lavatory.'
Why have you pulled a portaloo
over a building?
It was supposed to pull the roof off.
This isn't demolition,
this is just stupid.
Yahoo! 'Whilst Hammond
persevered with his idiotic
roof-removal system,
'James was busy drawing a diagram.'
The four walls are
pre-cast pieces of concrete
and then in the middle we have this,
which is the chimney breast.
Then there are steal RSJs
running across, like that.
Everything else in between
is just wooden floorboards.
So, if we knock out that bit there,
which is holding the house up, the
roof and everything else will fall
into a neat pile in the middle.
'My plan involved pulling the
chimney breast out, using
'both my winch and the
sheer power of my combat tractor.
'But it was hard to concentrate
with the orangutan around.'
It's got a mind of its own.
'Having got in everyone's way,
he then started throwing
'massive lumps of road over the
houses and into the next street.'
What have you done?
I hit a water main!
Well, you're an idiot.
'As noon approached, our rivals
were scything through their houses.
'But now my ingenious cable solution
would put us back in the running.'
Here we go.
Oh! Oh, it's so close.
Yes. Yes! Ha-ha ha!
'But despite this success,
let's not forget we still had
Jeremy on our side.'
I've lost control completely now.
'In the spirit of teamwork,
I decided to clear up his rubbish
'while Hammond set about
finishing off my house.'
I think I'll need to give this
the beans. Let's not mess about here.
In we go.
Oh! The roof came open.
I didn't expect that.
Hammond, what's happened here, mate,
is you are now the foundations of
the house.
Um, I think I might be a bit stuck.
Hang on, Hammond. I'm coming.
Where are you going?
BANGING AND CRASHING
Oh dear.
That felt nasty. What happened then?
James crashed into the corner
of the house and now you've got
a whole house on your head.
ENGINE STARTS
Engine running.
'May then winched
Hammond's tank out...
'but Hammond himself
was still trapped inside.
'Happily, though, as I'd finally
house-trained my machine...'
Walkies. Yes! Good digger.
'..I was able to mount a rescue.'
BLEEP!
Bad digger!
Oh! I've scratched me tank.
JEREMY LAUGHS
'By now, the professionals
had pulled out an enormous lead.
'So, to try and catch up,
I decided to dig even deeper
'into the military toy box.'
Guys. What...? What on Earth
is that?
I put some explosives in the house.
You might want to stand back.
Because now I'm going to do...
the long walk.
Is that the suit or his piles
that's making him walk like that?
FIRE IN THE HOLE!
You've only
blown the bloody door off!
'After that failure,
'we decided just to use
our machines as battering rams.'
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
Come on. Let's just
get this job done.
Not going to use the rotavator.
It's just TOO perilous.
Bloody hell fire! Ha-ha!
Argh!
DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS
Go on. In you go.
ARGH!
'Finally, we were
really getting somewhere.'
Attack!
KLAXON BLARES
'The professionals had finished.
They had knocked everything down.
'Whereas we... sort of hadn't.'
Why don't we present them
with a prize, OK... Yeah...
standing just there? Yes. That's a
good idea. And then give them
a really loud round of applause.
A thunderous, "WELL DONE, WELL DONE!"
And throw the thing over...
APPLAUSE
Well done. You beat us
fair and square. Well done.
Can we just point out something very
important?
Well, as long as you're quick,
bike race. I know, I know, I know.
Now you're wasting time saying,
"I know". I know. I know. Say it.
Listen...
OK, you may have noticed
during that whole sequence
of knocking the houses down,
not one of us was wearing
a high-visibility jacket,
a hard hat or substantial shoes
and I think I'm right in saying
that none of us was killed.
LAUGHTER
And that is an excellent bombshell
on which we could end, so... No.
No, no, no. I want to talk
more about the machine.
No, I said in the film
that this very machine, in fact,
had cleared 100 anti-tank mines.
You're probably thinking,
"How does it survive?" Not really.
I'm going to explain anyway, OK?
This is one of the blades
as it comes out the factory, yeah?
This one hit an anti-tank mine,
a mine designed to blow up a tank,
and that is the only damage
that it did.
This is an astonishing piece of
British engineering, I think.
It is. We really must finish. What
are they going to do? Cut us o...?
Oh, they have.
Well, they were warned.
So, as the guys have been telling
you all programme,
Don't miss live coverage
of the MotoGP at ten,
but before that, the
Final Mission of the Space Shuttle,
on the way next on BBC2.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells