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Okay so I've been seeing Mary for six weeks now and I did end up going on antidepressants.
I thought I'd give it a shot and so I've been taking them every day like my doctor said.
And at first it was like anything happening? But then after a few days I started to feel
a little bit different. I couldn't say anything major had changed. It was kinda like having
a really bad cold for ages and then one day, even though you still feel crap, you can tell
it's starting to leave you.
But it's really only been this week that I've really started to notice a difference. They
just seem to help me stay on an even keel and I do feel like a weight's been taken off
me and I'm starting to get back to my old self. But it's not that simple. I still have
to change the way I think about the things that get me down. Like last Tuesday.
I was heading into Uni on the tram and the tram just stopped and sat on the tracks for 40
minutes and I was like what? Anyway, I knew I'd miss my class and I couldn't afford to
miss anymore because I've already missed so much and I had to hand in my folio piece and
then I just kinda collapsed.
I thought why bother? It's crap anyway. And yeah, so I just went home, felt like a complete
loser and went to bed. Lucy came around and tried to talk me out of it, but she couldn't
understand why I'd reacted the way I did. Man, I didn't even get it. When I told Mary
about that, she made me see how I'd let something that I couldn't control and wasn't even about
me, the tram being late, send me into a depressive spiral.
'Cause like, yeah, the tram's being late pisses you off, but you shouldn't feel like your
whole life's a waste of time because of it. When I think about it that way I can actually
see the funny side of it. So this week, Mary has asked me to try and recognize the things
that get me down and to try and think about those things in a different non-negative way.
This is all part of my cognitive behavioural therapy.
Basically if I can change the way I think, then I can change the way I feel and hopefully
the way I act too. The way you think, feel and act, they're all in like a connected circle.
So I realized the tram incident was a classic trigger for me. I let totally unrelated things
just make me wanna give up. It's like I'm looking for an excuse.
So I've been trying to catch myself out. Ha! You just made running out of milk an excuse
to go back to bed and at first it was like, "Alright, yeah, that makes me feel ***."
And knowing about it hasn't changed anything, but I guess it did kinda make me stop and
think about what I was gonna do next. "You wanna go back to bed, don't you?" "Yes". "Well,
you're not going to." "But there's no milk for Wheaties." "Then have some toast." "Okay."
Yep. Technically still breakfast. I can do that. And it's a lot of work, but I'm gonna
give it a go. I just gotta be mindful.