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Ok... The first comic coming to the stage is a very interesting person and he is a force
to be reckoned with and I'm pretty sure he is already drunk on attention. So, please
welcome the very funny and much loved James Eigerman, everyone.
Hello, my name is James... What? No laugh? Tough crowd.
Anyway, so, I was reading somewhere about this thing called "the Children's Crusade."
It's much brighter here than when I rehearsed. It's weird.
Anyway...
So... What I read was that Europe wanted to control the Holy Land. And so apparently they
were having these things called crusades, where they would send out groups of people
to try and control the Holy Land. So apparently they decided to use children.
What other ideas did they have that were so bad that they decided to use children in a
crusade?
We need ideas for a crusade.
Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!
What is it?
What if we used cats? In a crusade!
Why?
Because God loves cats! Like, the cats would go into the Holy Land and God would be like,
"Oh my God! Look at the cute kittens! I'm going to give them control of the Holy Land!"
OK, um... Next idea.
Yes Jim?
What if we sent rocks?
Why, exactly, rocks?
They're free of sin.
OK, Jim. Next.
I have a great idea! It's brilliant!
What, Samuel?
What if we get people wearing chicken hats walking backwards!
Why on earth would we do that?
I hadn't thought that far.
Yeah, and of course I was wrong, it was actually run by a child.
Also, in a completely the same book, which is totally coo-coo, I also read that dolphins
kill for fun. Also, not in the same book, I also read that they are one of the most
smartest animals. I also knew that there was once a dolphin attack in Ireland. Put one
and one together and there you have it: Dolphins will evolve and take over the world.
Not so cute and rainbows now, huh?
Anyway, so... I think that they will evolve so that they will have human legs and lobster
arms and claws, cause they're cool and why not? And they would have a huge veiny forehead,
cause they so smart. And a third robot eye. See previous two notes. And... Yeah... Also,
in another totally different book... I've been doing a lot of summer reading recently...
I read that cows can have best friends.
And that they get depressed when they're away, without the other best friend cow. I was wondering
what would the social ladder of a cow be like?
Eww, you chew your cud too loudly, you can't chew with us.
Wow, look at those spots.
And, of course, there would also be -- oh yeah --
Hey Bessy, you've been really putting on the cud. All three of your stomachs are bulging.
And, a moo here and there, cause they're cows. Cows moo. That's what they do.
Wait. Oh yeah!
Bing!
And I lost it.
OK, ummmm...
Oh yeah, so there would be like jock cows pushing nerd cows into milking booths going
like, "Go milk yourself."
And like dad cows will tell their children cows jokes like:
"Know why all cows are experts?"
"Why dad?"
"Cause they're out standing in their field!"
That one's for David, thank you!
That was James Eigerman. So, a big hand for James. There you go James.
And... Oh man... By the way, that is also what every conversation with James sounds
like.