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[Karl:] (Chuggin')
(Belching)
Now, who doesn't love spring break?
You've got
But it's not all fun and games.
There's dangers, too,
like drinkin' too much
and gettin' into a fight with a shark,
then almost hookin' up with that shark,
but you pass out,
and when you wake up the next morning,
you realize that it was just a blow-up shark
... and then you hook up with the blow-up shark.
Happens every year.
But there's something even more dangerous than plastic shark love.
And it brings us to the
The year was 1994,
and me and DK headed down to Panama city
to soak in some sun,
and drink until we were invincible!
Or invisible.
Either one, whichever came first.
Well, it didn't take long before one lovely lady caught my eye.
Her name was Brandine and she was perfect.
Like a burrito filled with smaller burritos.
It was like that one scene in Temple of Doom,
when they, uh, cut open that one snake,
and then all the baby snakes came out?
It was just like that.
Except with burritos.
Anyway.
Brandine wasn't pretty in the traditional sense,
or even the human sense.
But she was just my type.
And DK warned me about lookin' for love,
so I buried him up to his neck in sand
and activated the KFK charm.
I was all like,
"Hey! Hey- are you from- are you from Tennessee?
Cuz yer- yer *** are like 'WHAT'
I wanna do sex on you..."
She was less than impressed.
Now Brandine was definitely playin' hard-to-get.
But KFK never quits,
and later that night our paths crossed again.
She was chuggin' tequila out of a dead alligator,
and before ya knew it,
we were partyin' for hours.
Then we grabbed a romantic late-night dinner,
and made sweet floppy love up and down the beach.
I'm talkin'
When I woke up the next morning, Brandine was gone.
But she left a note that read:
She was my one true love,
and I never saw her again.
Except for twice later that day.
She wanted to meet up for another burger buffet but i blew her off.
You can't hold this free bird down!
Oh, and DK got sun poisoning up his butt.
So I hope you all learned something from today's life lesson:
"You'll never find true love on spring break."
But you will find out that havin' sex on the beach
will literally sand-blast your genitals into oblivion.
Well, me and Brandine's sister are gonna have a little party of our own.
So I'll leave you with
An apple a day keeps the doctor away,
but if that doctor's really persistent,
a spiked bat works pretty good, too.