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Glasgow's my home.
- I want to stay.
- You're staying?
It just feels like Frankie's
needling her way into my life.
Cat, this is Frankie.
Frankie's doing the photos
for our new brochure.
- I thought this might be one for
Jay to take charge of actually.
- Jay?
Easier to be the scarlet woman than
come out of the closet, I suppose.
- I do love him.
- Yeah, we don't want to
cause a scene, do we?
Oh I think you've managed
that already, sweetheart.
I'm now dumped and homeless.
I can help you find somewhere.
- You're moving in with Frankie?
- Yeah.
Who's that then?
That's Hayley, the fit intern.
She's been flirting with me non-stop.
Hayley Hayley.
It's ketamine.
The album she made of you as a kid,
it's gone.
Who the hell would want my photos?
Something was sent here.
A photo album? Sent to
someone called Annie Cawthorne.
We have got copies of most of
the documents you requested.
Your parents' death certificates
along with your sister's.
Little Francesca.
Tragic losing someone so young.
Is that all you've got?
Yep.
All my worldly goods.
Yeah, I'm the same.
Just got a few bits.
What?
Tess, what is all this?
It's my life.
Is that everything?
Yeah.
Absolutely everything.
Oh, ***.
I left my
sponge bag in the bathroom.
- I'll get it.
- Thank you.
Oh, and there's a book
on that weird shelf thing.
All right.
And a jumper on the
clothes horse by my room.
And the mascara.
- Oh, ***! Sorry.
- It's all right.
- I'm just looking for Tess's bag.
- It's ok.
No.
Um
I'm Sam.
Yeah.
And you must be Frankie?
Yeah, Cat's told me all about
you.
It's nice to finally meet you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What the hell are you doing?
Sorry, I was just and
- And your door was ?
- What? Open?
- Sorry.
- Frankie
I don't want to fight
all the time.
It's boring.
Yeah, I agree.
***, I remember that!
Your gran's house.
Officially the ugliest vase ever.
I can't bring myself to chuck it out.
It was the one last thing
she gave me before she died.
Are you ok?
- Yeah.
- Sure?
Yeah, I'm fine.
We used to raid her drinks
cabinet when she was at church
and mix cocktails in it.
Remember?
What was it again?
Sambuca and Um Bongo
They drink it in the Congo.
Which somehow I seriously doubt.
Sam, this is Frankie.
Frankie, Sam.
We met.
Do you mind if I borrow this?
I've got court this morning.
What are you planning
to do? Flash the judge?
You got to use what you got.
Yeah, I'd better go.
The driver will be
doing his nut with Tess.
I'll come and see her off.
Bye bye, roomie.
Love you.
Love you, too.
Bye.
Oh, my God! "Love in the afternoon.
"
Come on.
Ugh!
Want to meet for lunch?
I doubt I'll be finished.
These
things have a habit of dragging on.
- I'd love to watch you in court.
- Yeah?
- It's just like it is on the telly.
- Really?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, good looking jury, a wise old beak.
Me on the stand, being
viciously cross-examined
by a curiously sexy Glenn Close.
***!
- What?
- My boss.
I don't want to be late.
Not when
he's so pleased with me already.
I'll call you later.
Ok.
Give my regards to Glenn!
Morning.
Morning.
My office, five minutes.
Is this it?
I guess so.
Is it legit?
Oh, my God! This is amazing!
Nice one, Sadie.
- You should *** a letting agent more often.
- Yeah!
Uh!
My world may be turning to ***,
but yes, we have some bongos.
So, no doubt you heard
our bright young intern
had an attack of the
vapours in the office?
Yeah.
Yeah, she hasn't been back.
Is she still ill?
Ill? Yeah, well that's what I assumed.
Ketamine.
Sorry?
Commonly prescribed by vets
as a horse tranquiliser.
It seems like it's the drug
of choice for our Hayley.
***! Really?
- I had no idea.
- No?
No! Course not.
I can't believe it.
She's bright
and keen and good at her job.
Not any more.
I had to fire her.
You see, the thing is, Cat,
you interviewed her, hm?
You recommended her, she's your proteg�e.
I thought you might have noticed
she was taking drugs in the office.
I didn't notice anything.
Obviously.
If I had, I would've done something.
Yeah, you have been a
bit distracted lately.
Is that your new squeeze
I saw this morning?
Her name's Sam.
Sam? Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Which of the noble Sapphic
professions does Sam belong to?
Social worker? PE teacher?
Freelance yoghurt maker?
- She's a Detective Sergeant.
- Oh!
Well, maybe she'll be able to
give you a few pointers next time.
How to spot suspicious behaviour?
So
what it's like working at Cat and Jay's?
Fascinating.
I'm the Annie Leibovitz of
architectural photography.
Well, at least you've got a job.
What are you up to today?
Thought I'd take a spin
round the Italian Centre.
New handbag, haircut.
- Just a bit of fun with my
never-ending disposable income.
- Enjoy that.
I will.
Then again, I might just watch Lou on the
telly and drink my own body weight in gin.
Tess, get over it!
- Plenty more lesbians in the loch.
- Mm? You reckon!
Trouble with you is you
don't know where to look.
Ah.
There you go.
"What you
want, when you want it.
"
Easy as ordering a pizza.
No.
Absolutely not.
I'm not that desperate.
It's full of skanks and psychos.
What d'you want your user name to be?
***.
- And how are you spelling that?
- Frankie, I don't want to do it.
What's the alternative?
Sitting round here, pining
after someone you can't have?
Yeah.
It doesn't work.
Just put a profile up
and see what happens.
Ah, ok.
What you looking for?
Friendship first? Fun?
***?
***.
Did you know about Hayley?
Hayley? What about her?
She was off her ***.
Ketamine, for chrissake.
- Who said that?
- Alistair.
That's why she keeled over the other day.
Did you know she was on something?
No, of course not.
How would I know?
Exactly!
Why would you take drugs in
the office anyway? Stupid girl!
God, I hope she's all right.
Look, I don't know why you're
so worried.
It's not your fault.
That's not what Alistair thinks.
He's been weird with me ever since
I turned down his weekend cottage.
Sheep *** in Shetland.
Then he finally susses I'm gay,
it's given him a whole
new stick to beat me with.
Listen, don't worry about
it, it'll all blow over.
I was right.
I've just been browsing members
in this area and they're all
- What's that?
- Nothing.
Are you ok?
I'm gonna go to work.
Listen, don't tell Cat about Hayley, ok?
- Why?
- Because Alistair's blaming her,
she doesn't need to know I
had anything to do with it.
What? So Cat takes all the
flak while you waltz away?
It's not like that.
Ssh.
Hiya.
Oh!
Thanks.
I've downloaded the images from
the Haybridge Court Project,
so we can take a look at them now.
What?
You.
Straight to business.
It's not like you.
What's that supposed to mean?
- Frankie.
- I'm just trying to do my job, all right?
Christ!
What's the matter?
Frankie, what's going
on? And don't say nothing.
Nothing.
You're a crap liar.
Come on,
you're all over the place.
All right.
You want to know what's going on?
I'm dead.
What?
I don't understand, the date on this ?
- The same day my parents died.
- The car crash.
Francesca Alan
died on the same day as her parents.
But you survived.
Your aunt and uncle
Took me in.
Little orphan Frankie.
No, no, they didn't because she was dead.
Frankie
***! This is
So you're not who they said,
who they told you you were?
- It's a total mindfuck.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
But you know what? I'm not even surprised.
What d'you mean?
I always knew that there was
something that they weren't
telling me, some secret.
Conversations would stop
when I walked into rooms,
closed doors and whisperings and
I'm just trying to make sense of it.
This And the photo album.
So who is she? Your aunt
wanted her to have the photos.
Do you think
she could be your mother?
Your real mother?
- Frankie, it's ok.
- No, it's not!
That's the one thing it's not.
Later on in the programme we'll be
talking to life coach Debbie Spatz,
about the joy of spontaneous living.
What the hell does Lou know about
spontaneous living? Scheming witch!
Mute her! Mute her!
Look at how much make-up they've
put on to cover the bruise!
Don't mess with The Fist!
Feeble exterior of a young *** Allen,
awesome fire power of Vin Diesel.
COMPUTER PINGS
What's that?
Nothing.
Just
Frankie trying to get
me back on the scene.
- Internet dating?
- I know.
Seriously, I mean, you should
look at some of these girls.
Most of them are just
desperate hets after a
free *** floor show.
- How can you tell?
- Easy, look.
Like hell she's bi.
And why the hell do they have
to have a dog in the picture?
I do find spaniels particularly ***.
Oh, and then there's this one.
My favourite.
Berlin Mary.
"Back in Glasgow.
Zis
time I am super ***.
First we will have the sex.
Then
we will proceed to the next level.
"
COMPUTER PINGS
What's that?
Oh, it just means someone's interested.
Don't get excited, it'll
just be another minger.
- She's all right.
- Really?
She is, isn't she? She's hot.
Do you think she's hot?
She wants to chat.
I can't do it,
my fingers are sweaty.
You do it.
No!
Oh, go on Ed, you're the writer.
Write something funny, witty, sexy
so she'll think I'm fantastic
and want to go out with me.
Actually, I have to go.
What? Where are you going?
- I've got a date.
- What?
At three o'clock in the afternoon?
You never said.
- I don't tell you everything.
- Except that you do.
Who's the lucky girl?
Melanie.
In my creative writing class.
She's really nice.
Obsessed with Philip Roth.
Oh, I love him!
Pulp Fiction.
That scene
in the diner.
Remember?
No, that's Tim Roth.
I'm talking about Philip Roth.
Celebrated New York Jewish novelist,
not a bloody actor.
All right! Don't get punchy.
Is this what you're going to be
like since your little street fight?
I'm off.
Enjoy your internet date.
I never said I was going to meet her!
Why don't I talk to Sam?
No.
Why not?
Least she could see if Annie
Cawthorne's ever come up?
You have an address for her.
No, look don't tell her.
I
don't want anyone to know, ok?
Then how else are you going
to find out who she is?
Do you think she'd even do it?
Probably, if I asked her.
You've got her wrapped
around your finger, have you?
No.
Sam's a grown-up.
In fact this might be my first
attempt at a grown-up relationship.
And before you say it, that
doesn't mean it's boring.
Yeah, I wasn't going to say that.
I'm pleased for you.
No, you're not!
Well, someone should be
happy.
It might as well be you.
So how's the new place?
It's mental.
Massive.
You should drop by sometime, take a look.
Yeah.
Yeah, I might.
Maths homework?
Becky's arranged for us
to see a mortgage adviser.
God, it's fun all the way with you two.
Oh, God!
You know how long it's going
to take me to pay this
thing off?
Not to mention your other costs.
What?
Your nanny.
Your vets bills.
Your 2.
4 are gonna want a pet.
Hi, Sam, it's me.
Good.
Can you do me a favour?
I just need you to look someone up.
Is that ok?
Oh, it's not for me.
It's for one of the secretaries.
Annie Cawthorne.
Ashmill Estate
Glasgow.
Talk to anyone who's done internet dating,
- we've all got war stories.
- And you?
Right, the worst was this teacher.
Faye.
Great profile, talked for ages online.
In the flesh she was like
something out of Jane Austen.
Yeah, yeah, but underneath the corset ?
Oh, we didn't get that far, believe me.
I knew as soon as I met her she didn't
have the right sense of adventure.
- You're adventurous, aren't you, Tess?
- Mmm,
yeah, course.
You want another?
Yeah.
I'll get them.
You stay here and enjoy the view.
Two Ezos, please.
Hi.
Hi.
You look familiar.
No, I don't think so.
Maybe.
Ooh.
So then I did my dissertation
on post-modern identity
in the American novel
and that's when I really
fell in love with Roth.
Wow.
What?
You've got a bit of crisp on your lip.
There?
No, it's just underneath.
Do you want me to?
Thanks.
I had a date in a coffee shop once
and I thought it had gone really well,
but when I went to the loos,
I realised I had chocolate
from my cappuccino
all over my lip.
A little cocoa Hitler moustache?
No,
big curly whirly impresario affair.
Fetching!
I've got a friend called Tess.
She's an actress.
She did this play once where
she had to wear a false beard,
a big bushy white thing.
Trouble is,
they stuck it on with the wrong stuff,
superglue or something,
she was wispy for weeks.
Oh, my God!
No, she liked it.
She said it made her feel Christmassy.
She sounds mental.
Yeah, she is.
She's great, but
she's also frustrating.
She's one of these people who can't see
what's right in front of her, you know?
Like she can't appreciate
what she's already got.
Do you want another?
Er Yeah!
Over the top, over the top.
Whoa!
- Turn it round.
- Eh?
The other way.
Um
What the ***?
All right, hen.
Sorry, um Who is this?
This is Dougie.
Douglas.
My husband, but don't worry,
he just likes to watch.
- Now where were we?
- No, no,
no, I'm sorry.
I thought you were gay.
We're more
bi-curious.
BANGING
Whoa! What was that?
- Oh, it's just Lady.
- What lady?
No, Lady! Our Allie.
Our German Shepherd.
Goes a bit frantic when
we shut him in the kitchen.
Um, I think I'm
You see! This is my problem.
Why don't you look at
me like that any more?
It's like Roth's books.
They're almost anti-love stories.
Yeah.
You know?
- The pain, the
- The inescapable despair of desire.
- Yeah.
How How love fractures us.
- Yeah.
- Leaves us in pieces.
- Doomed.
It's doomed to failure.
I just find it
- Captivating.
- Depressing.
Another drink?
Erm no, I'd better not.
I've got an early lecture tomorrow.
You're good.
I've a friend called Tess.
She doesn't know when to stop.
Spirits and then shots
and that's when she gets really wild.
You know, like really self obsessed.
Like she's the only one in the world,
the only one that matters.
Are you going already?
It's been great.
A really great date.
Can we do this again?
Look, I'll call you.
You see, this is marriage, Tess.
First the excitement goes,
then the passion.
- Baby, dunnae
- Don't "baby" me, I'm serious.
Um, can I just
Thanks.
That's why we thought
about the internet dating.
It hasn't gone as well
as we hoped, has it, Doug?
Douglas, at least look at
me while I'm talking to you!
Well, look,
I I think it's really
great that you're trying.
Do you?
Yeah, yeah!
Anything you can do to
keep the passion alive.
It's like cooking, isn't it?
You can have shepherd's pie every night,
but why not add a little spice?
Some chilli,
pepper,
a bit of turmeric
Aye, that's very good.
That's very profound.
You should be on the television,
Tess.
You're very good at this.
Cos that's all I want.
To make Dougie happy.
Aye, me too, Hen.
Me, too.
Um
I'll just let myself out.
Sorry,
I didn't realise it had gotten so late.
I should've rung you.
It's all right.
You ok?
Just about.
Their defence barrister
is a *** in horsehair.
My brain hurts.
Poor brain.
- Do you want a drink?
- Yes.
- Sam?
- Mmm?
I was just wondering if you had a chance
to do that thing for
me, look up that name?
Mm, I did.
Great, thank you so much.
So did you find anything out?
The only Cawthorne
registered to that address
is an alias for an Alma Carter.
Alias? She's a criminal?
Yeah, small time.
She's got a couple of priors for theft,
but we're talking way
back, 30 years or more.
Thanks.
Thanks for doing that.
No problem.
Who did you say it was for?
You said it was someone at work?
Yeah.
Yeah, just one of the secretaries.
She's having a few family issues.
It's nice of you to help her.
- Hey.
- Don't look too pleased to see me.
- Sorry.
- Or were you expecting someone else?
No, I just I didn't know
you were coming, that's all.
Wanted to see how you were settling in?
Like it?
Yeah, it's all right.
Yeah.
All right? It *** rocks!
Do you know how lucky
you are to be *** me?
To another satisfied client.
What?
Let's just have a drink, yeah?
Don't worry, I can multi-task.
Yeah.
Sadie, don't.
Come on, is this all the
thanks I'm going to get?
What? So I've got to *** you
just cos you found me a flat?
Cos I didn't ask you to.
For God's sake, that's not what I meant.
What's wrong with you tonight?
Nothing's wrong with me.
I'm just not in the mood.
Suit yourself.
Your loss.
What did I do to deserve this?
I just felt like it.
Ah, that is good.
Mm, my first and last
decent cup of the day.
The coffee at court tastes vile.
I can make you a flask?
Let's wait till we're really middle-aged.
Hey, don't forget this
Annie Cawthorne stuff.
Want some?
I made it for you.
Yeah, and I want to share it.
- Oh, ***.
- What?
Oh, God!
- What's the problem?
- Lunch with my parents! Today!
- That's the problem.
- Your parents?
- You could come with me.
- What?
You're my girlfriend.
You
should meet my parents.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
I'll call you later.
***!
Now you remember the time, right?
And please try to stay tidy because
we need to look serious and committed.
Committed? You should be in that tie.
Thanks, Frankie, always
nice to have your support.
We're meeting our financial advisor later.
Three o'clock.
Don't be late.
I won't.
Dead Man Walking.
It's a mortgage, Frankie.
Not a death sentence.
Yeah.
Loving the noose.
Look, you can take the *** all you want
but this is not the end for me, all right?
I have options.
Choices.
It's
not like I'm stuck on a path.
It's not like I can't
get off if I want to.
And do you?
You know Hayley?
- She snogged me.
- Did she?
- No wonder she had to
take drugs.
- Frankie?-
Um, Sam looked up that thing you wanted.
Annie Cawthorne's an alias for
somebody called Alma Carter.
She has convictions.
Theft, but they're
ancient, like 30 years ago.
- She's a criminal?
- Was.
Was.
Sam said that these
things on the record,
they're from ages ago, so
they probably don't count.
Great.
That's just great.
So I'm dead,
I'm connected to a
criminal and there's some
strange drug dealer bloke
that keeps following me.
What bloke? What are you talking about?
Where are you going?
- Where do you think?
- Frankie.
And how dare they use me
to spice up their marriage?
Like I'm some kind of
lesbian court jester.
Tess, will you hurry up!
My mum's booked the table.
All these crazy femmes who turn out to be
straight and I never notice, I never guess.
"Sense of adventure"?
That was not an adventure.
- And you know the worst thing?
- Fine, I'll just wait then.
The worse thing is, I got hit on!
I passed up a really
fit lesbian and for what?
A heterosexual freak show.
Tess, what the hell are you looking at?
Nothing.
Birds.
Flying up in the thing
Right, ok, I'm ready.
Where's my coat?
Tiramisu with Judy and Gerry.
Who could say no?
I think this is lovely.
Gerry, for goodness' sake.
He likes to build things.
Gerry? I was just saying,
this is lovely, isn't it?
Yes, it's nice to see you all.
Thank you for making a
you know.
And to meet Cat's new girlfriend.
Super! And a police woman?
Have you been at "the
nick" this morning, Sam?
Um, actually I've been in court,
giving evidence against a serial ***.
***.
Now that is not very nice.
Conjunctivitis is not very nice, Mother,
breaking a fingernail is not very nice,
but ***, I think, qualifies as
something slightly worse than that.
She takes things very
literally, our Catherine,
always has.
I think she might be slightly autistic.
So, the police service?
That must be very
rewarding, decent salary?
Mum! Please.
It's ok.
When you join up, you know
what you let yourself in for.
Public service pay and
a polyester uniform.
Winning combination.
Super!
Of course Ed's doing so well
writing his very own science book.
- Science fiction, Mum.
- That's what I said, darling.
And Tess, still acting?
Oh, you know me, Judy.
I just go with the flow,
like a piece of driftwood.
Ha-ha.
Such a free spirit.
And then there's Cat with her
architecture.
You see, that's the problem.
Very long training, expensive.
It's a big investment for
everyone for uncertain rewards.
Still,
you always put your dreams on
hold for your children, don't you?
It must be worth it, Judy?
You know, seeing all that Catherine's achieved
and knowing she couldn't have done it without you?
Well, yes.
Exactly, yes.
And we're all very proud, yes.
So?
- Little Francesca.
- Can I come in?
You turned your back on us, young lady.
Our door's always been open to you.
I'm sorry.
The funeral.
I was out of line.
I want to ask you something.
About me
where I came from.
New York, wasn't it?
- I find it hard to keep up with you girls.
- As a baby.
Where you got me.
The birds and the bees, Francesca.
Isn't it a bit late for all that?
I'm not Francesca though, am I?
- Where did you get this?
- The registry office.
Everything we did
was in your best interests.
And who is Alma Carter?
Is she my mother?
My real mother?
I don't know who you're talking
about.
I've never heard of this.
Alma Carter!
Aunt Carol sent her my
photo album before she died.
I'm sorry.
Jesus, am I even related to you at
all? Are you anything to do with me?
Oh, hello, Gillian.
You remember my niece?
I'd like to help you so I'm
telling you this for your own good.
Stop looking, asking questions.
You won't like the answer.
Alma Carter's not interested.
Not then.
Not now.
She didn't want you.
Excuse me.
Could we have the bill, please?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, you might want to
powder your nose if
you're in there, darling.
She's such an attractive girl
Tess, don't you think, Gerry?
And these two make a
very attractive couple.
- Have you thought about it, Edward? She could be the one?
- What?
No, no, she's not the one, Mother.
There is no one, ok?
I'm not seeing anyone, not
going anywhere I'm stuck.
Sorry, isn't Tess ?
Gay?
Yes, she is.
As my mother
is only too well aware.
I think we're all a bit
gay, dear, aren't we?
That's the trouble with Ed, he
lets everything become an obstacle.
PHONE RINGS
Excuse me.
Hello?
Yeah? Sadie, where are you?
Oi!
You stopped being a
moody *** then, have you?
- Whose is this place?
- Last night's conquest.
A tragic little banker called
Josephine that I picked up at Babylon.
She was a crap *** though.
All toys and no imagination.
Oh, yeah?
So this Josephine, where is she now?
Don't tell me you've
left her tied up upstairs?
No, she got an early flight to
Charles de Gaulle this morning,
leaving yours truly holding the keys.
- Thank you.
- For what?
You were great.
The way
you handled my mother!
Ah well, I guess I've just had
a lot of practice dealing with
Psychopaths?
Cat, your mother's not a psycho.
She's just more borderline
personality disorder.
Really?
You?
So what does that make me?
Where do I start?
I can't do this.
You seem to be doing all right.
No, I can't.
It's
You've been
so great today and it just
makes me feel even shittier.
I lied to you.
About what?
That name.
It wasn't for
one of the secretaries.
It was for Frankie.
Of course it was.
I was just wondering when
you were going to tell me.
You knew?
What's my job?
I know! And I'm a
terrible liar.
It's just
Frankie asked me not to tell anyone.
About what?
Oh, nothing.
It's just
she doesn't want anyone
to know about her stuff.
Cat, is there, um
Is there anything that
I need to worry about?
You and Frankie, you know, you
obviously go back a long way and
She's
She's a friend, that's all.
Not even a very good one.
Ok.
But you have absolutely
nothing to worry about.
Ok!
Just don't lie to me again.
- Do you want to go for a drink?
- Yeah?
On your marks! Get your car keys!
Good stuff.
Private prescription,
maximum strength.
Question is, how many do I need?
Depends on how much you want to forget.
Look at you.
Two cocktails
and you're anybody's.
Not anybody's.
Yours.
The taxi driver won't like it.
He's a Daily Mail reader.
*** him.
No, don't *** him.
*** me.
Frankie?
What the *** are you doing?
***.
Now that's not very nice.
Genocide,
also not very nice.
Right, I'm off.
No, no, no, no! I
haven't said the best bit!
The best bit was when your mum
accused Cat of being autistic.
And then there was your dad,
counting cutlery like
he's in *** Rainman.
Yay! He smiles!
You know,
you're my best audience, Ed.
In fact you're my only audience,
so you must never leave me.
Do you know what else my mum said?
What?
She said we'd make a
really attractive couple.
Mental!
Yeah.
I'll get it.
Surprise!
Ho, ho, ho! Nice pad!
- All right, babe?
- Jay!
Let's get the party started!
Look at the size of this place!
Shave for me.
What?
Everything.
Shave it all off.
I've only got a landing strip.
Open your legs.
Wider.
Lift your head up.
Put your arm behind your head.
Hello?
Josephine, is that you?
It's me, Lainie, I'm
here to feed your fish.
Look, this is a mistake.
- We're friends of Jackie's
- Josephine's.
That's not true.
I've been cleaning here for three years.
I've never seen these
people before in my life.
- She's lying.
- How would you know?
We were together last night.
Quite the squealer is Josephine.
I think the best thing would be for
you two to come down to the station.
We'll try and sort all this
out, get in touch with the owner.
- Paris, you say?
- No, no.
You don't want to do that.
And why's that?
Call Sam Murray.
She's a detective sergeant.
She'll sort this out.
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
cos this isn't what it looks like and
I wouldn't want you to make a mistake.
No! Look
What are you doing? Just
leave me to deal with this.
I know what I'm doing.
Tess, have we got any crisps?
Sweeties? Brownie mix? Anything?
Tess?
What you looking at?
Oh, nothing.
Just another
missed opportunity.
- How much have you had to drink?
- Not enough.
Cheers.
They were left in the house, Clive.
It's implied consent.
I'm just sorry you got dragged into it.
Ok.
Tell me why should I do this? Why
should I have to vouch for you two?
Who is this, Frankie?
This?
This is Sadie.
My girlfriend.
Your girlfriend, Frankie?
Your standards are dropping.
*** off.
Just clean up this mess and
get the hell out of here.
I'm so, so sorry.
- You cheated!
- Suck it up.
Yay! Stranger!
- What happened to you?
- Not much.
How was your day?
- Fabulous.
- You didn't get your mortgage then?
No.
We did.
Oh, my God.
I need my bed.
- The room's spinning.
- Have a glass of water.
- Have a go on this bad boy.
- No, thanks.
Ed, you can stay in my bed if you want.
I'm going to go home.
Get the last bus.
You should stay.
The state she's in you
won't even need rohypnol.
*** off, Frankie.
See you later, Teddy boy.
See ya.
So
what do you want to do now?
I want another drink.
- What's ?
- I'm sure I saw something.
Yeah, is that What's
that? Is that tequila?
Looks like tequila!
Urgh, it smells like Domestos.
Aaah!
Christ,
I shouldn't drink any more.
Who said?
PHONE RINGS
Oh!
Ring ring!
Becky.
Uh-oh.
What's going on with you two?
Nothing, nothing.
It's all good.
I love Becky.
I do
At least I think I do.
I'm pretty sure
But how do you know? How do you know?
You're asking me?
It's just this
It's just this moving in thing.
I just feel as if I'm being pushed,
like I'm signing my life away for
something I'm not even sure I want.
It's like my heart says one thing
but my ***'s saying another.
Am I making ? I'm
I'm not making any sense, am I?
Oh, God, I'm pissed.
Get you!
You're so
controlled.
Got it all together.
- You what?
- Good old Frankie.
Doesn't say anything.
Doesn't get sucked in.
*** and run Frankie.
You don't know anything.
So, tell me, Frankie,
this love thing.
Is there someone anyone
that grabs your heart
and *** with your head?
Cos I don't know if I can do it.
Frankie?
Cat.
It's always been Cat.
Of course it has.
Oi
Oh, Christ.
Hey
Poor Frankie.
Poor pissed Frankie
with her sad eyes.
- You saw.
- Couldn't help it.
- It was nothing.
- It was Jay!
It was a *** mistake!
When did you know that you loved her?
When does anyone know?
There's not much to celebrate.
- It's your 30th!
- Exactly.
Why don't we just do it at my flat?
As long as it doesn't get too messy again.
- Strolling down memory lane behind Sam's back
- I was working!
Why didn't he just
like go for it with her?
Would she reciprocate?
Well, you're the writer.
Make it happen.