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About two days after surgery I started to die.
there was internal bleeding and from that
obviously a lot of loss of blood and
my blood pressure dropped really low and then all my vital signs started to shut
down and I remember
opening my eyes and seeing this big belly and just looking at my belly
and
not knowing what was going on. My whole body had swollen up it
was all distended
and then the pain became so intense that I started screaming
and as I was screaming people started running and you know in white
pushing carts and machinery and screaming and tossing stuff over me I
remember looking up and they were throwing
tubes and bottles back and forth and then I realized I must be dying and I was
screaming no no no no leave me alone let me die because it had been two
years
of being sick and I just didn't wanna you live anymore
and I lost consciousness and the next thing I knew
I was out in the hallway it was probably the middle of the night
cause the lights were dimmed
I looked back and forth and I didn't see anybody and then it hit me
that I wasn't supposed to be out in the hall and I figured if they caught me out in the
hall I'd get into trouble.
So, I turned around to move back into the room
and then I realized something was really weird because I was looking
into a PA speaker now this PA speaker was up near the ceiling
and I was looking directly into it and I knew when I came into the hospital that
that speaker with at least three feet above my head so then I knew something
was really strange
and I moved back into the room and I look down into the circle and I saw my
body.
It didn't bother me I was very peaceful I was very calm it was okay that
she was down there and I was up where I was. The only thing I remember at that
point was
laughing because I had tape wrapped around my nose. It was just strange to
see my body like that with this tape
and just hanging out with her for a while it certainly wasn't me anymore
I had no problem with the separation and then the next thing I knew I was in
total blackness
and I remember thinking of weather my eyes weren't working or I'm in darkness and
as I thought that I felt hands come around the back of me
pull me into this warm soft
lush love which was my grandmother. She had been dead for fourteen years.
Now, when she died I thought that was it it was over.
I just never gave much thought to the fact that when people were dead
they were dead
but I also had absolutely no doubt at that moment I was with my grandmother
and as I realize that I also realized that everything I'd everr believed
was just a belief and now I was in touch with reality
and reality was that my grandmother and I were together again and as a thought that
it was like every memory we had of each other
came alive again and all this love that we have for each other just
embraced us and was us and I stayed with her for a while
and then started moving again through this darkness
and as I looked through this darkness I could see
energy turning and the energy was moving through the blackness and
light with coming out and the light was moving down to the end of wherever I
was going and it was forming the light
and I wanted to get to it I could not only feel the light I could
hear the slow droning noise that was beckoning me the light
but at the same time my hands were becoming really big. My hands were expanding
and I became fascinated by that and the next thing I knew it was morning.
I was back in the circle bed. Two nurses were in my room opening the drapes
and I tried to tell them that I had left the bed and they told me I had
hallucinated. A week later
I had been rotated face-down and that's really uncomfortable you know laying
in this bed because
there's practically no mattress at all it's just a suspended
canvas and I only weighed 85 pounds at the time thats 35 pounds less than I way right
now
so I was very skinny and I was very uncomfortable
and the button for the nurse fell away from the bed so I couldn't hit the
button to call the nurse and the door was closed so nobody could hear me
and I started calling and then I started screaming and then I became hysterical
and as I became hysterical I separated again from my body
I left the bed. This time I was totally alert and I watched it happen I watched
my body move away in the circle bed and I looked down I was back up in the blackness
and I look down
and my body was in that circle bed in like a bubble
and crying hysterically and I looked out into the blackness
and there was another bubble and in it was me
at about a year old face down in my crib crying just as intensely and I
kept looking back and forth between the two scenes because I was
obviously confused and about the third time I looked back and forth
it hit me there was a very strong presence
of this being that was
an energy or a force, certainly not an old man with a long white beard but
an energy that just moved through me and was me and was still it
that was just pure love
If you took the love I felt for my grandmother and you multiply it by about
a million
maybe then you could get the intensity of this love it was very warm and very...
It held me up and
as I realized that I had been an atheist until that moment
but as I realized that the baby in the crib
became the center of a cloud of bubbles and in the cloud of bubbles..
In each bubble there was another scene from my life
and together this being and I bounce through
all these bubbles and I re-experienced my life and I
re-experienced
everything including what the other people in the bubble
experienced too. I mean I wasn't just re-experiencing it as myself but I was
my mother and my dad and my brother and my boyfriend who went on to
become my husband and then my kids. I was them as well as me and
I could feel the love and I could feel the negative times too I could feel
everything that was going on
and the realization the first realization I had was that we're not
separate beings.
We don't end at our skin we are are connected. We've been zapped into enlightenment for a
few seconds but we come back here
and we don't know what to do with it. We had it there,
we don't have it here because our significant others..
There's that tug-of-war to go back to being the way you were before.
Nobody wants to see change it's too uncomfortable
So. there's that enlightenment and then there's a tremendous amount of grief
for having to give up the light and be back here and then after the grieving process
there's a search to find it again only this time here
and eventually you do but you have to heal yourself
The near-death experience is an initiation
but it's only the beginning then there's the search
and I think what I've come to in 16 years of searching
is the universe is benevolent
and the universe is meaningful and we have to heal ourselves enough to be able to see
that
and live our lives according to that.