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- Is it a beautiful day or what?
- That's a good one, Drama.
You aren't seriously gonna
wear that flag, are you?
When Pavarotti plays the El Rey
you can wear the ltalian flag.
When my lrish brethren
come to town
I wear this.
Hey, Johnny, you know U2 was
the first concert you ever took me to.
"Joshua Tree" tour,
he snuck me out of a window.
- I was seven.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Excuse me.
- I got pulled over on the L.I.E.
I thought we were
gonna miss the show.
You were driving
when Vince was seven?
How *** old
are you, Drama?
Yeah, in dog years maybe.
Hey, guys, come on.
It's his birthday. Leave him alone.
- Give me a second with E.
- I hate it when you guys do that.
U2 rules!
I've been thinking
about this Mandy thing all night.
Forget it.
I want her to do the movie.
Now you want her to do it?
What happened at dinner last night?
Nothing. It was just weird
to see her, that's all.
- It's gonna be good though.
- You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Don't even mention it to Ari.
- Okay.
- You already mentioned it to him.
I might have sent him
a panicked e-mail at 4:00 A.M.
I can't get Mandy Moore
off this movie.
How are the seats, Ari?
'Cause I need to be able to see Bono.
- You know what I mean?
- Ari, it's fine.
I was being an *** yesterday.
I have no bad feelings for her.
In fact, I have no
feelings at all.
Excellent! Boom!
Let's make a movie.
Yeah, let's.
So how are those seats?
Uh, they're nosebleeds.
Just like you like them, right?
"Floor level or bust."
That's my motto.
I thought it was
"Will act for food."
Before this thing starts
let's get down to a little business.
Vinny, the studio wants
to see you in San Diego.
- What's in San Diego.
- Shamu.
- Comic-Con.
- Comic-Con?
Ain't that that comic book
geek-fest you go to every year?
That's no geek-fest.
That's my bread and butter.
I make $1800 a day
selling autties.
You sell German cars there?
Autographs, ***! I've been begging
you guys to come for years.
We've been laughing
in your face for years
because we don't like
comic book geeks.
You better start if you want to live
off "Aquaman" for the next 50 years.
The studio wants
to introduce "Aquaman" there.
They think these geeks
can make or break a movie
- a year before it opens.
- I don't really wanna go.
They don't pay you to act.
They pay you to promote.
Cameron would be there himself
if he wasn't overseeing
the construction of the water tank.
- He's not going?
- No. It's just you and Aquagirl.
You're gonna make
a big splash.
- Mandy's going?
- Yes!
What the hell?
We'll make a weekend
out of it.
I thought you had
no feelings for this girl.
I don't.
I'm going for Johnny.
- Sure you are.
- Comic-Con and U2!
That's a big birthday,
huh, Johnny Drama?
Not bad, Ari, not bad.
Now where are those seats?
Right here.
Take a look at that!
Very funny.
Clippers' tickets
for Thursday night.
- Stop *** around, Ari.
- Are you serious?
You've got
to be *** me!
You're kidding,
right?
Jesus Christ.
Ari Gold.
You just demoted to silver.
I will never forgive Ari
for this. Never.
Would you let it go
already, Drama?
I would've bought the tickets myself
if he hadn't promised them.
Drama, we could've gone.
You just refused to scalp.
We could've
had great seats for 200 a pop.
Scalping raises ticket prices so
the average fan can't afford them.
U2 stands up for the common man
and so do l.
You are the common man, Drama.
More like
an uncommon loser.
- Hey, Robbie.
- Welcome back, Mr. Chase.
- How are you, pal?
- Mr. Chase?
I'll handle this myself.
- As always.
- This place is horrifying.
- What are you talking about?
- There's my superhero!
Hey, Shauna.
You spinning a little story
how the Chase brothers are
conquering Comic-Con?
No, I'm gonna spin a story
that you really aren't Vince's brother.
Johnny!
Johnny Chase!
- How are you?
- Vanessa!
At Comic-Con, Shauna,
I think I'm Johnny's brother.
Yeah, how're you doing?
- How have you been?
- You look great.
- Are you here for the signing?
- Yeah!
Great.
What time are you at your booth?
Well, every year I do night signings
from 7:00 t0 9:00.
Oh, great.
I'm 6:00 to 8:00, so we'll overlap.
- I'll see you then. We'll catch up.
- Definitely.
- It's good to see you.
- All right, I'll see you later.
- Drama.
- That's a beautiful woman.
- Nice.
- I hate that ***.
Vanessa Angel.
She did three eps of "Viking Quest"
and then they just gave her
this shitbag spin off.
She's been riding the "Viking Quest"
wave for a decade.
- So have you.
- Didn't "Angel Quest"
run five times longer
than "Viking Quest"?
Yeah, but only 'cause
she showed her *** in "Playboy."
Either way, Johnny,
I think the Angel likes you.
Yeah, she's beautiful too, Drama.
Well, not in my eyes
she's not.
Okay, Vincent,
back to real world issues.
You've got the R.J. Spencer
interview at 2:00 P.M.
He thinks he's Mike Wallace,
so he may throw you a hardball or two.
Yeah, Vince, just take
a deep breath and answer.
I might get some tough questions
this weekend also.
Like whether you're still
in the business?
Do you even know
who R.J. Spencer is?
Yeah, he's the guy that said the best
thing about "Head On" was my hair.
That's 'cause you wouldn't
talk to him in Paris.
The guy just wants access.
You be nice, he'll be nice.
I'm gonna tell him he's a fat
comic book-loving prick.
This guy's got a website that gets
a million hits a day.
He can sink a movie faster
than Stephen Dorff.
Hey, watch it, ***!
That's my client!
Just look at the guy like a prom date.
You buy him a corsage,
- he'll at least give you a ***.
- Who wants a ***?
Would you shut up,
already, you and you?
- He'll be nice. Don't worry about that.
- Good.
Here's information on "Aquaman" in case
you don't know anything about it.
Oh, yeah, he's a strong
swimmer, right?
Vince, Mandy 3:00.
Bro, don't even
look at her.
- Just freeze her out.
- No, Vince, lock eyes with her.
- Don't break. Alpha male.
- Will you idiots shut up?
He's trying to make a movie with her,
not trying to *** her.
You looked!
I'll be right back.
Yo, eye of the tiger, Vin.
Hi!
- Hey. Hello.
- How are you?
Uh, Vince, this is my fiance Chris.
- Hello. Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Yeah, you, as well.
This is pretty exciting stuff, huh?
I know, very exciting.
- It should be a big announcement.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, maybe we could
all grab a drink later?
- Sure.
- Yeah, maybe.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
See you later.
Uh, Vince! Vince!
Would you like to come
to dinner with us?
- Us?
- Uh, Chris and l.
It would really mean a lot to me
if you guys got along.
I'm sorry, I just
- I need you guys to get along.
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay?
- Sure. Bye.
- I'll see you later then.
- Okay.
Who the *** cares
what she needs?
I've done at least a dozen movies
with women who couldn't stand me.
But it's never affected
the work.
They need to be friends if they're going
to spend the next nine months together.
Vince needs to make her
fall back in love with him
and then crush her like she crushed him.
Payback time!
No, what Vince needs to do
is never talk to her
except during work.
And even then,
only during takes.
Guys, you need to stop filling
his head with this ***.
What, do you think
I listen to them?
- What, you don't?
- Johnny Chase?
Hey, Jess,
how're you doin', baby?
Good.
How are you?
- Good.
- Good.
This is my brother Vince.
And these are the other guys.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, Jess.
Oh, it's nice
to meet you too.
These are my girls--
Devon and Teagan.
- Hey.
- How're you doin'?
So what brings you
to "Dork-a-palooza"?
Well, I'm doing
my "Viking Quest" thing
and Vince is here to promote "Aquaman."
What are you doing in town?
Promoting my new comic book,
"*** Patrol."
Nice.
It's me and the girls.
We lick *** by day
and kick *** by night.
- Sweet.
- You should come by the booth.
Yeah, as long as we
get there by nightfall.
Cool.
So I'll see you there?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Bye, Vince.
- Bye, girls.
- Bye-bye.
Whew!
How the *** do you
know Jesse Jane?
You know how much Lubriderm I burned
through on that broad?
- Johnny, did you ever get with her?
- No, I wish.
Please tell me
you've never been in a ***.
No, we used to be in a scene study class
at Howard Fine Studio.
- She's got great timing.
- We're gonna go to this meeting.
- What're you guys gonna do?
- Every year I like to take a day
and soak in some sun.
It always freaks people out
at my booth
when Tarvold is tan.
It freaks me out
that people actually go to your booth.
All right, well, thanks for taking
the time to sit down with me, Vince.
Oh, no, R.J.,
my pleasure.
Hey, I felt awful
when I missed you in Paris.
Yeah, I thought you were
blowing me off.
Not at all. I tried the cell phone
you gave me 10 times.
You know how these
international phones are.
So, uh, Vince
have you always been
a fan of "Aquaman"?
Oh, yeah.
Since I was a kid.
But I have to say
it really took hold for me
when Fradon started
doing the illustrations.
It think it took
a woman's point of view
to really capture
Aquaman's sensitivities.
Yes.
- He's good.
- The best.
Here, bro.
- Anyone looking at me?
- No.
Keep watching.
Someone will.
Tarvold?
- Tarvold?
- It's on.
- Yes?
- Can we get a picture with you?
My booth opens
at 6:00 P.M.
Autographs $10,
pictures $20.
I have a flight at 5:00.
Maybe next year, son.
I need my rest
before game time.
Come on. You're my favorite
"Viking Quest" character.
- I even bought my own helmet.
- Oh, yeah?
Let me see that thing.
Oh, she's a beaut.
No horns.
You know, it was only a myth
that Viking helmets had horns on them.
- One picture, please.
- 40 bucks for the exclusive.
- Done.
- Nah, I'll do it for nothing.
'Cause you guys
are real fans.
Can I get one Viking call?
Come on, we're in
civilian waters here.
Please.
All right,
I'll do one.
Victory!
Yes! Awesome!
Sweet, man!
Come on, let's get
this over with.
Hey, Johnny, you should put on sunblock.
You're getting a little red.
Thanks.
Is that the Angel?
Sorry, Tarvold.
Vanessa! Vanessa Angel!
Hey.
So tell me about your co-star
Mandy Moore.
Oh, she's great.
I'm very excited to work with her.
Again,
don't you mean?
Uh, yeah, I did a small part
in "A Walk to Remember."
Yeah. You guys were pretty serious
there for a while, right?
Serious?
- Oh, Jesus.
- Remain calm.
Dating-wise?
Well, we went out
a couple times.
I wouldn't call it serious.
But we're great friends now.
I mean, you did ask her
to marry you
after five weeks, so
And she said no.
Okay, interview's over.
- Why?
- 'Cause you're an ***, that's why.
Jesus Christ!
Vincent!
What the ***
was that, R.J.?
What, Shauna? I'm a journalist!
I'm asking questions!
That little comment
just cost you your opening weekend!
Aqua-***!
- You asked her to marry you?
- Yeah, so what?
I'm your best friend since we were
six-years-old. I never heard this.
I'm like your
West Coast mother.
- I can't believe you didn't tell me.
- I never told anyone.
- I'm not anyone.
- What do you want to hear?
That I got humiliated?
That I curled up into a little ball
- like you usually do?
- Oh, hey, *** you!
I don't have to take that *** from
some *** just 'cause he has a PC!
Yes, you do!
That's why they pay you what they do!
That's why I didn't want this girl in
this movie, 'cause she'd *** up
- your professional judgment!
- This wasn't professional,
- this was personal.
- This is not good.
- We've got to fix this.
- Get out your toolbox and fix it!
You should go out with the Angel,
I'm telling you!
Please, you know I don't like
classically beautiful women.
Give me a nice nose break
or a lazy eye.
You're insane.
Enough about the Angel. Here.
- Test me again.
- Come on, you're ruining my weekend.
Come on, these fans will tear me apart
if I don't know this ***.
Pass me the baby oil.
Maybe you should put on
a little sunblock.
- Test! Test!
- All right, fine.
Who is your mortal enemy?
Thorfinn Skullsplitter. Next.
What's the name
of Tarvold's ship?
The Gokstad!
Jesus, Turtle, challenge me a little.
Okay.
Where was Tarvold born?
Northumbria.
- It was Orkney.
- ***!
- Let me see that thing.
- You forced me into doing this,
and now you're calling me a liar.
Fine, take it!
Okay, I believe you.
Orkney, huh?
Huh.
Orkney?
- Who is it?
- Hi, it's Eric Murphy.
- Vincent Chase's manager.
- It's too late.
My voice will be heard
around the world tomorrow morning.
Well, Vince would like
to apologize.
- I don't see Vince.
- Yeah, he sent me.
Well, that figures.
*** coward.
Hey, maybe that'll be
my headline--
- "*** Coward to Play Aquaman."
- You don't think
- Vince would make a good Aquaman?
- I did this morning.
You don't feel like you
have a responsibility to tell the truth?
Eric, I started this site
out of my parent's basement
for two reasons-- to get laid
and make a little money.
Neither of which are
coming to fruition.
No, my report
goes out on the web
tomorrow morning,
and it's followed by another one
every week
until the movie opens.
I have one goal
in my life right now--
drown "Aquaman."
I'm not apologizing.
I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
I'm telling you,
this guy's looking for a little love.
- lt'll turn this whole thing around.
- So give him a little love.
I've got nothing,
except Shiry Robbins
can be here at 10:00.
- Who's she?
- "Maxim" girl. Great ***!
- 10:00 P.M.
- Vincent, we're in San Diego, okay?
Finding you a girl with a Q rating
isn't that easy.
- What is this?
- Mm.
Vince has got me working the phones
trying to find him a dinner date.
- I don't wanna go alone.
- Vincent, not for nothing,
but what I should be doing is dealing
with this Spencer situation
before the studio does.
I got an idea. I can call one
of my Cartier contacts
and see if I can get him
a watch or something.
- Why, can you buy this guy?
- Well, rumor has it
they flew him out
to L.A., first-class,
put him up for a week
at the Scientology Center,
and he gave "Swordfish"
four stars.
Yo, I've been searching all over
this place for a dinner date for you.
The concierge is kind of hot
but she's wearing Spock ears.
No, I can't go
with a Trekkie.
- Why can't you go to the dinner alone?
- Because I'm uncomfortable.
Because I haven't had
a real relationship since Mandy.
And I don't want to get into it while
she's holding hands with her fiance.
- Melting down.
- Yo, you guys, what do you think?
- Home or away?
- Oh my God!
- Jesus, look at your face.
- What are you talking about?
- It's perfectly even.
- Johnny, you're burnt to a crisp.
Naw, in another hour that'll turn
to a nice maple-syrupy brown.
Another hour and your *** nose
is gonna fall off.
- Get dressed.
- Why?
I told you I don't wanna
go alone.
You want me to go
as your date?
All right, on second thought,
I'll go alone.
You just figure out what to do about
this Spencer guy.
Yo!
- What's up, Drama?
- How's it hanging?
- All right. Victory!
- Victory!
Yo, Bobby!
What's up, chief?
Another year, baby.
Hey, Johnny.
How great is this?
Our booths are never this close.
Now we can talk.
I'm gonna go look
for Spencer.
I'm gonna go with you.
Your fans, they spook me.
Ah, Mr. Chase,
welcome to the restaurant.
- I'm Craig your host.
- Hello, Craig. I'm here to meet with--
Of course. Ms. Mandy
and Mr. Chris, right?
- Yes.
- They are waiting for you.
- Right this way.
- Thank you.
Thanks for coming, buddy.
Next!
Where was Tarvold born?
How was the concert?
Uh, amazing.
Yeah, I hear it wasn't
their best.
I've been
to every tour.
They all kick ***, equally.
Great.
- Now where was Tarvold born?
- That's easy, Orkney.
No, it's Northumbria.
*** Turtle.
I was originally from
the galaxy of Salvan,
but that was before
my rebirth.
How could you not know
where you were born?
Angel, excuse me, uh
I'd like to have
a word with you, please.
- Could it wait like half an hour?
- No, it can't.
Okay, Johnny.
I'll be back in five minutes.
I told you
to put on block.
Forget about my tan.
What you're doing here
is disgusting.
- What?
- You're selling sex.
- I mean, look at this outfit.
- Why do you hate me?
I don't hate you.
You always have. Ever since
that first day on "Viking Quest"
- you've been so mean to me.
- No, l
And I had
the biggest crush on you.
- You did?
- Yes!
Oh my God.
I had the biggest crush on you.
That's why
I was mean to you.
I was rejecting you
before you could reject me.
I wish you would've
told me back then.
- Well, I'm telling you now.
- But--
Shh!
Victory!
Victory!
So you started with
the comic book then the ***?
No, I did in ***, then I decided
to go on with the comic book.
Oh, smart move,
very smart.
So tell me more about
"*** Patrol."
Well, we're a gang-banging gang
of working girls who kick criminal ***.
Speaking of kicking their ***--
what do you do
with the naughty boys?
You know, naughty boys
that do naughty things?
What up, Jesse?
Hey, it's Vince's guys.
You know R.J.
Yeah,
we know each other.
If you don't mind when you're finished
if I can get a minute.
- Your minute starts right now.
- All right, I really want to fix this.
I was thinking-- we go into production
you should come out.
All expenses paid, watch Cameron work,
hang out on the set.
You want a PlayStation portable,
I got the hook up.
I can get you
two dozen of them.
I want $350,000
in a duffel bag.
- You're kidding me, right?
- No, I'm not kidding.
And until that gets delivered,
the article stands.
And you know why?
'Cause I don't like your friend.
You're really starting
to *** me off.
Oh, wow. Ooh.
What are you gonna do? I had Oliver
Stone come after me with a hatchet
after I smashed
"Alexander," okay?
- You don't scare me.
- Yeah? Do I scare you?
'Cause I'll slap you
in your *** head.
Come on, let me hit him once.
I won't break nothing.
- Let it go, Turtle.
- What the *** is his problem?
He hates Vince.
He's gonna trash him on his web site.
and say he's gonna make
a *** Aquaman.
Why? Vince would make
an adorable Aquaman.
Yeah, you should
tell him that.
Yeah, sweetie, you should.
Aquaman's in trouble.
The fate of Atlantis
and all of mankind lies in your hands.
It's time to unleash
the power of the ***.
Don't *** me,
tough guy.
If I do it, I'll do it
because I like Vince.
Yo!
I just made $3800, bro.
Are you gonna see her again?
Are you kidding? We're flying together
at Comic-Con Phoenix.
What happened at dinner?
- I blew it off.
- Good job, Vince.
Freeze her out,
like I told you to do.
Aw, Vince, you should've gone
and ordered her food for her.
That would've put a wedge
in between her and her fiance.
What do you mean
you blew it off?
We just have to work together.
No need to blur the lines.
More importantly, what happened
with Spencer. Did you take care of that?
- Did you give him love?
- It's not my love he's interested in.
Who is it?
*** Patrol. Open up!
Hey, Jesse, l, uh
I thought we were gonna to finish
the interview down in the Oak Bar.
We're done talking.
- We're here to save "Aquaman."
- And we brought this.
Come in.
That's wonderful.
Okay, great!
That was R.J., Eric.
What did you do to him?
- Why, what did he say?
- He said, and I quote,
"Vince is going to make the best
*** Aquaman ever!"
That was the quickest 180
I've ever seen in my life.
Let's just say
we have mutual friends.
The power
of the ***, baby.
You kiss your grandmother
with those *** lips?
- I thought you said 10:30.
- Vince, come on!
I know you well enough
to know when you're lying.
There was no reason
not to show up.
All right, let's just say hypothetically
I am lying,
which I'm not-- but if I was,
you need me to be friends
with your fiance, and I need
not be friends with him.
- Why?
- Because.
We're not playing
games anymore.
Is this going to be a problem
for us to work together?
No. I'm just gonna do
my work every day.
- Fine, so am l.
- Fine. Good.
Live from the Hollywood Room
at Comic-Con
- Okay.
- Good.
here are the stars
of the upcoming "Aquaman,"
Vincent Chase and Mandy Moore!
I hope there's a part
in this movie for me.
Oh, yeah.
You're gonna play Aqua Velva.
Hey, say something!
We look forward
to fighting injustice,
righting that which is wrong
and serving all of mankind.
Above and below
sea level!
Give them a big hand,
ladies and gentlemen.
- He's good.
- No, he's great.
Hey, what's up, Ari?
Just read R.J. Spencer on-line.
Good work, Eric.
- Put Drama on the phone.
- Hold on.
- It's Ari.
- Ari?
- For me?
- Yeah.
- *** that.
- Take it!
Yeah, what do you want,
birthday-ruiner?
It's 4:00. You've got four hours
to get back from San Diego.
- For what?
- U2, baby!
You didn't hear?
They just added an extra show.
- You got tickets?
- Oh, I got tickets. Happy belated.
How are the seats?
Nose bleeds.
Just like you like them.
Yes!
All right, now.
Hey, Johnny Drama!
�Qu� tal?
Feliz cumplea�os, amigo.