Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
>> [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> YES.
>> [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> MY BUDDY ZAMIR IS A GUY WHO'S
INTRODUCED ME, OVER THE YEARS,
TO KGB SPY MASTERS, UZBEK
TORTURERS, NEW YORK SUPER
AGENTS.
>> COMRADES, I AM BACK.
>> HE IS THE BEST, UNPARALLELED.
THEN CAME THE ROMANIA SHOW.
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
MR.
PRESIDENT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
MMM.
>> I'M ANTHONY BOURDAIN.
I WRITE, I TRAVEL, I EAT, AND
I'M HUNGRY FOR MORE.
>> ♪ YOU GOT TO ♪
♪ GET LOST ♪
-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com
CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY THE TRAVEL CHANNEL, L.L.C.
>> WHY DO WE TRAVEL?
FOR WORK.
FOR PLEASURE.
BECAUSE WE MUST.
BECAUSE WE WANT TO.
FOR ME, EVEN WHEN IT'S BUSINESS,
IT'S PERSONAL, WHICH IS HOW I
FIND MYSELF IN THE ROMANIAN
CAPITAL OF BUCHAREST, ONCE
REFERRED TO AS LITTLE PARIS FOR
ITS NEOCLASSICAL ARCHITECTURE
AND ONE-TIME PREDILECTION FOR
ALL THINGS FRENCH.
SO, WHO GOT ME TO COME TO THIS
GRAY AND DISTANT PLACE?
ZAMIR OLD BUDDY.
>> HI. YOU MADE IT.
>> ROMANIA.
>> WELCOME TO THE FAIRY-TALE
COUNTRY.
>> YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> A LOT OF STUFF FOR US TO
EXPERIENCE.
>> YEAH? THIS BETTER BE GOOD.
MY OLD RUSSIAN PAL AND I GO WAY
BACK.
>> ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL, TONY?
WELCOME TO RAJASTHAN.
>> MOST OF OUR EXPERIENCES HAVE
BEEN GREAT.
BUT NOT ALWAYS.
AT THE VERY LEAST, IT WAS GOOD
TELEVISION.
>> HI, TONY.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.
IN RETROSPECT WE HAD EVERY
REASON TO BE HOPEFUL.
ROMANIA AND ITS MYTHICAL REGION
OF TRANSYLVANIA LIE DEEP IN THE
HEART OF EASTERN EUROPE.
TO THE OUTSIDER, IT'S A PLACE
THAT EXISTS MORE IN THE POPULAR
IMAGINATION THAN ON A MAP.
>> LIKE OLD PARIS IN BUCHAREST
WITH THE INFLUENCE OF FRENCH,
ROMANIA, ITALIAN SAXONS.
THE HUNGARIAN-AUSTRIA EMPIRE
WAS HERE FOR A WHILE.
>> WHAT ABOUT SOME CREEPY
COMMUNIST-ERA STUFF?
I LIKE THAT, TOO.
ZAMIR IS A GUY WHO ALMOST ALWAYS
GETS US THROUGH DOORS THAT ARE
NOT USUALLY OPENED TO
OUTSIDERS.
>> THAT MIGHT RING THE
BELL, BY THE WAY.
>> BUT RIGHT OFF THE BAT, OUR
CAREFULLY PLANNED SCENE WHERE
WE'RE TO GET SOME SHOTS OF ME
AND THE STATUE OF ROMANIAN
NATIONAL VLAD THE IMPALER,
COMMONLY KNOWN AS DRACULA,
SHOULD BE NO PROBLEM, RIGHT?
>> WELCOME TO EX-TOTALITARIAN --
VERY FREE -- VERY FREE COUNTRY.
BUY TICKETS OR SOMETHING?
>> NOW, WE HAVE PERMISSION TO
FILM HERE, IT SHOULD BE POINTED
OUT, WITH THE APPROPRIATE
GOVERNMENT AGENCIES.
BUT WORD HAS NOT TRICKLED DOWN
TO THE FRONT LINES OF THE
STRUGGLE AGAINST TOURISM.
OH, NO.
>> SOMEONE NEEDS FAX FROM
MINISTER OF PRESS ABOUT ACCESS
TO FILM.
SHE'S CUTE.
>> OH.
>> SHE MEANS IT.
>> 83-MILLION-PEOPLE AUDIENCE
AROUND THE WORLD.
83.
>> ACTUALLY IT'S CLOSER TO 120
MILLION.
>> 120 MILLION.
>> WE WILL BE HAPPY TO CONTINUE
TO PROTECT ROMANIA FROM THE
SCOURGE OF TOURISM.
>> [ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]
>> IT IS 10 EUROS PER SQUARE
METER.
>> 10 EUROS PER SQUARE METER?
NAH, NAH, NAH.
I'M NOT A SUPERSTITIOUS GUY.
I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE IN OMENS.
BUT IF I DID, THIS WOULD NOT BE
A GOOD ONE.
>> WELL, THE OLD ROUTE STILL
NEEDS TO BE PROBABLY
REFURBISHED.
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
MAYBE IT'S ABOUT A SENSE OF
HUMOR, TONY.
>> I'M LOST.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
NO MORE RESERVATIONS IN THIS
WORLD.
>> NO.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU WORKED THE
SHOW TITLE IN REGULARLY, BY THE
WAY.
BUT THERE IS, I'M TOLD, A LIGHT
AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
DAYS FROM NOW A CELEBRATION IS
PLANNED FOR ZAMIR'S BIRTHDAY.
YOUR 50th BIRTHDAY -- THAT'S A
BIG ONE, BY THE WAY.
I SPENT MY 50th BIRTHDAY WITH
BEER, LOVED ONES, FRIENDS, AND
FAMILY 'CAUSE IT WAS A BIG AND
POTENTIALLY TRAUMATIC DAY.
HERE YOU ARE FAR FROM YOUR
FAMILY TO BE IN ROMANIA?
>> BUT I FEEL AT HOME.
>> DUDE, WHAT'S GONE WRONG WITH
YOUR LIFE?
ZAMIR SOLDIERS ON, BLITHELY
MOVING FROM THE WRECKAGE OF THE
AFTERNOON TO WHAT HE PROMISES
WILL BE A SUMPTUOUS OLD
BUCHAREST STYLE MEAL.
>> THIS COUNTRY HAD A VERY LONG
BUT CONFUSED HISTORY OF
INVADERS.
>> THAT'S USUALLY GOOD FOR FOOD.
>> THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO
EXPERIENCE THIS PLACE CALLED
JARISTEA RESTAURANT.
>> NOW, MY PREJUDICES AGAINST
THEME RESTAURANTS ARE WELL KNOWN
AND DEEPLY FELT.
SO IT SHOULD COME AS NO SURPRISE
TO ANYONE EXCEPT ZAMIR,
APPARENTLY, THAT THIS INSANE
MUSEUM OF BRIC-A-BRAC, THIS
KITSCHY HOMAGE TO IMPERIALISM
WOULD SET OFF MY ALARM BELLS.
OBVIOUSLY THEY PUT A LOT OF WORK
INTO CREATING THIS ENVIRONMENT.
THERE IS SOME MANIAC COLLECTOR
IN THIS FAMILY.
SOMEBODY IS OUT THERE PILLAGING
THE COUNTRYSIDE.
AND YET SUDDENLY, I AM CAUGHT IN
THE GAZE OF A SIZABLE AND VERY
BLUE APPARITION.
MADAM NICKELOW IS THE
PROPRIETOR.
EVERY NIGHT SHE SITS HERE, A
CHARACTER IN HER OWN PLAY,
INSPECTING EACH DISH AS IT
LEAVES THE KITCHEN, A
DEMONSTRATIVE RAP OF AN ANTIQUE
GAVEL THE SIGNAL THAT EACH ORDER
IS UP TO HER STANDARDS.
IT'S MADNESS. IT'S DELUSIONAL.
IT'S KIND OF GREAT.
THE MAIN COURSE ARRIVES, AND,
BIEN SUR, IT'S SUCKLING PIG.
IS THIS WHOLE THING OURS, BY THE
WAY?
IT IS. OKAY, GOOD.
BEAUTIFUL.
WOW.
THAT'S SOME GOOD STUFF.
>> THE SKIN IS UNBELIEVABLE.
>> I NEVER SHOULD BE ALLOWED IN
THIS RESTAURANT, BY THE WAY.
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
I AM EATING WITH MY HANDS.
>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> THAT IS THE SNOUT, MY FRIEND.
THAT IS THE BEST PART.
>> THIS IS FOR THE CONNOISSEUR.
I THINK I AM HAPPY WITH THE
PIECE OF SKIN WHICH YOU GAVE ME.
>> OUR MAIN COURSE, PORKULA,
BEGAN HIS JOURNEY TO THE TABLE
THIS MORNING.
THE CHEF GAVE PIGGY A NICE
RUBDOWN WITH SALT AND LARD AND
SLOW ROASTED OUR LITTLE FRIEND
WITH DINO-ERA GARNISHES OF
APPLES STUFFED WITH CORN,
PICKLED PEPPERS, AND CABBAGE.
GOD IS RIGHT HERE.
GOD LIVES BETWEEN THE SKIN AND
BONE OF A PIG.
THIS DIDN'T SUCK.
IN FACT IT VERY NEARLY MADE UP
FOR THE FIRST PART OF THE DAY.
THINGS ARE DEFINITELY LOOKING
UP.
TOMORROW, A TRIP DEEP, DEEP INTO
THE TRANSYLVANIAN COUNTRYSIDE.
UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE,
EVERYBODY IS A BLOOD-SUCKING
FREAK AROUND HERE.
>> BUCHAREST -- IT'S NOT THE
CHEERIEST, MOST COLORFUL CITY
I'VE VISITED.
HAVING BEEN CONQUERED BY THE
ROMANS, THE TURKS, THE RUSSIANS,
IT IS A PART OF THE WORLD THAT
HAS SEEN A LOT OF HARD TIMES.
THE FOOD, THOUGH -- WHAT ABOUT
THE FOOD?
WOW.
I THINK I NEED TWO OF THESE AND
TWO -- WHAT IS THIS?
MICH, ALSO KNOWN AS METITEI.
HERE MADE ON SITE WITH A FESTIVE
SECRET BLEND OF MUTTON, BEEF,
AND PORK.
THIS HAS GOT TO BE GOOD, RIGHT?
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
IT IS GROUND, SPICED MEAT
COOKING OVER FLAME.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?
>> MMM.
THAT'S THE REAL THING.
>> CAN'T BEAT MYSTERY MEAT ON A
GRILL.
I HEAR THIS IS THE SINGLE MOST
POPULAR DISH IN ROMANIA AND
ENJOYED ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
ANYWHERE YOU HAVE GERMANS -- AND
THEY HAVE SEEN A FEW HERE OVER
THE YEARS -- YOU WILL SEE MEAT
IN TUBE FORM.
>> WHOLE COMPILATION OF
DIFFERENT INVADERS, KIND OF IDEA
OF HUNGARIAN, SAXON, RUSSIAN,
TURKS.
>> LET'S NOT KID OURSELVES.
GOOD FOOD IS THE END RESULT OF
YEARS OF NONCONSENSUAL SEX WITH
INVADING ARMIES.
>> SO, NO MORE RESERVATIONS.
>> YES, ZAMIR.
I COULD HAPPILY SPEND THE REST
OF MY DAY HERE, EATING GROUND
MEAT OF UNKNOWN PROVIDENCE AND
WASHING IT DOWN WITH BEER.
BUT NO.
ZAMIR REMINDS ME THAT MENTION
MUST BE MADE OF ROMANIA'S
EXTRAORDINARY HISTORY.
RULED FOR A QUARTER-CENTURY BY A
MEGALOMANIAC NAMED
NIKOLAI CEAUSESCU, IN THIS
VERY SPOT, HE WOULD PONTIFICATE
AND PREACH OF A PHILOSOPHY SO
EXTREME AS TO MAKE OTHER DESPOTS
LOOK LIKE BENEVOLENT HIPPIES.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU ARE
VERY RIGHT OR VERY LEFT.
DESPOTS TEND TO BUILD THE SAME
KIND OF BUILDINGS.
>> IT'S BIG AND OVERWHELMING.
>> BIG AND A LITTLE
INTIMIDATING.
>> IT IS.
>> THIS IS BUCHAREST
REVOLUTIONARY SQUARE.
IT WAS HERE ON DECEMBER 21,
1989 THAT CEAUSESCU PUBLICLY
LOST HIS IRON GRIP ON THE
COUNTRY.
AND ON THAT DAY, OUR MAN ROSVON
WAS RIGHT HERE.
>> SO, CEAUSESCU WAS STANDING IN
THE BALCONY IN THE MIDDLE WHERE
THE FLAGS ARE.
>> ABOUT 100,000 PEOPLE HERE.
>> THE WHOLE SQUARE.
>> WHERE DID THE PEOPLE COME
FROM?
IT WAS SUGGESTED AT THEIR PLACE
OF WORK THAT THEY COME?
>> NO, NOT SUGGESTED.
THEY WERE TAKEN.
>> TAKEN. PUT IN A BUS.
>> PUT IN A BUS.
>> THINGS STARTED TO TURN UGLY A
FEW HOURS LATER.
>> SO, HE STARTS SPEAKING.
PEOPLE START SHOUTING.
THEY WANTED TO GO HOME.
THE POLICE DIDN'T LET THEM.
THEN SOMEBODY SAID, "DOWN WITH
CEAUSESCU.
DOWN WITH THE COMMUNISTS."
THAT WAS THE MOMENT.
>> AS WHAT WAS PLANNED AS A
CAREFULLY STAGE-MANAGED
DEMONSTRATION OF SOLIDARITY
TURNED AGAINST HIM, THE DICTATOR
TRIED TO BARTER WITH THE MOB.
BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.
IN THE END, A SHORT WHILE LATER,
CEAUSESCU WAS EXECUTED AND THEY
PUT THE WHOLE THING ON TV.
PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE YOU SPEAK
TO REALLY ENJOYED THE SHOW.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE SENSE OF
HUMOR?
>> I CAN SAY THE BEST JOKES WE
HAD WERE IN THE COMMUNIST TIMES,
NOT NOW.
>> COMMUNISM IS GOOD FOR HUMOR.
REALLY, IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH,
THERE'S NOTHING TO DO BUT CRY.
I'M AFRAID THAT SENTIMENT
EXACTLY, DEAR VIEWER, WILL
BECOME EMBLEMATIC OF THE REST OF
OUR JOURNEY.
FITTING, THEN, THAT THE POINT OF
OUR ROMANIAN RHAPSODY REALLY
BEGINS TO GO OFF THE RAILS AT A
TRAIN STATION.
GARA DE NORD -- IT CONNECTS
BUCHAREST TO EUROPE AND THE REST
OF THE WORLD.
BUT THE BAT ADORNING THE
ENTRANCE IS APPROPRIATE FOR
WHERE I AM GOING.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME, ZAMIR?
>> NEXT DESTINATION IS THE
CLOSEST TRAIN STATION TO THE
DRACULA CASTLE.
>> DRACULA'S CASTLE.
SOUNDS SCARY.
>> THE TRAIN TO TRANSYLVANIA.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED.
>> BOUND FOR BRASOV, OUR
INTERCITY TRAIN PICKS UP SPEED
ACROSS THE PLAINS AND GRASSLANDS
AS IT HEADS FOR THE FOOTHILLS OF
THE CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
LISTEN.
>> ZAMIR, WHO IS MAKING LESS AND
LESS SENSE THESE DAYS, FILLS ME
IN ON OUR ITINERARY.
>> WE'LL VISIT PROBABLY ONE OF
THE MOST IMPORTANT ESTATES
THERE, CALLED DRACULA CASTLE.
AND SOME OF MY COUNTRYMEN ARE
READY TO STEP IN AND BUY IT.
>> SO, YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT
DRACULA'S CASTLE IS UP FOR SALE?
>> IT IS.
THAT'S WHY WE ARE ACTUALLY GOING
THERE.
>> REALLY?
THIS WHOLE SHOW IS ABOUT SOME
SINISTER RUSSIAN LAND GRAB?
WE'RE LOOKING AT REAL ESTATE?
>> TONY, LET'S BE SERIOUS.
I WANT YOU TO BE GIVEN THE BEST
TOUR.
>> WE HAVE TO PRETEND WE ARE
ACTUALLY INTERESTED, RIGHT?
OH, I TOTALLY GET IT.
>> SORRY IF I COULDN'T
ARTICULATE MYSELF.
>> IF YOU THINK OF DRACULA AS
MERELY A FICTIONAL CHARACTER,
YOU ARE WRONG, MY FRIENDS.
OH, YES, DRACULA WAS REAL.
I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT
DRACULA THOUGH.
I AM VERY INTERESTED.
THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW --
BLOOD SUCKING FREAK, HEROIC
PATRIOT, NICE GUY, OR VICTIM?
>> WELL, THAT IS A VERY GOOD
POINT.
>> AS OUR TRAIN CHUGS AND
CLATTERS OMINOUSLY UP THE
MOUNTAINS, AN ICY TENDRIL OF
APPREHENSION, SOME MIGHT SAY
FEAR, WORMS ITS WAY SOMEWHERE
DEEP INSIDE, AS WITH EVERY
PASSING MILE, EVERY FOREBODING
CRAG AND PEAK, WE DRAW CLOSER TO
TERROR.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHEN IS HALLOWEEN, ANYWAY?
>> WELL, ACTUALLY, A DAY FROM
NOW.
>> YOU MEAN TOMORROW IS
HALLOWEEN?
>> YES.
>> I TRUST YOU, ZAMIR.
>> THANK YOU, TONY.
>> WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
[ WOLF HOWLS ]
AFTER THE BREAK, THERE WILL BE
NO PLACE TO RUN, NO PLACE TO
HIDE.
WHAT PAINFUL AMATEUR SURGERY
COULD BE GOING ON WITHIN THAT
BUILDING AT THIS VERY MOMENT?
[ GASPS ]
>> DAY THREE, TRANSYLVANIA.
HAVING MADE THE JOURNEY FROM
BUCHAREST, ZAMIR AND I FIND
OURSELVES HIGH IN THE
CARPATHIANS -- THE VERY NAME
SOMEHOW THREATENING.
MY INCREASINGLY UNHINGED RUSSIAN
FRIEND HAS CONVINCED HIMSELF HE
IS GOING TO CLOSE A DEAL ON
BUYING CASTLE DRACULA.
EVEN MORE STRANGE AND
CHEESEBALL, IT IS HALLOWEEN.
OOH.
>> I MADE AN ARRANGEMENT WITH
THE LOCAL PEOPLE TO GIVE US A
TOUR.
>> UH-HUH.
>> THE PRICE TAG IS MORE THAN
$100 MILLION U.S.
>> THE PLACE LOOKS A LITTLE
RUNDOWN, FRANKLY.
THIS IS A FIXER-UPPER.
>> YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING
ME.
>> NO.
>> OKAY.
>> LET'S GO SEE THE ESTATE
AGENT.
>> LET'S GO AND SEE IT.
>> SO, HERE'S HOW IT GOES.
WE TELL THEM WE RAN OUT OF GAS.
>> MAYBE ASK FOR SHELTER.
>> YEAH, I THINK THE CHANCES OF
GETTING BUTT-ROGERED BY
TIM CURRY ARE MINIMAL.
TRICK-OR-TREAT.
>> WOULD YOU TRY THAT?
HELLO.
TRICK-OR-TREAT. IT'S HALLOWEEN.
NO SWEETS, YEAH?
>> MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TOILET
PAPER THIS JOINT, THROW A COUPLE
EGGS AND MOVE ON TO THE
MARRIOTT.
BUT NO, MR. REAL ESTATE MOGUL
WANTS TO TOUR THE PROPERTY.
EVER HAVE ANY FAT PEOPLE LODGED
IN HERE?
YOU SMEAR A LITTLE BUTTER ON
THEM BEFORE YOU SEND THEM UP.
MATEA HERE WILL BE TRYING TO
POINT UP THE ADVANTAGES OF
CASTLE LIFE.
>> IT WAS FOR 500 YEARS A SMALL
FORT.
IT WAS MEANT TO SURVIVE THE
PESTS AND COLLECT THE TAX.
AND THEN IT BECAME WHAT WE ARE
VISITING TODAY.
>> BRAN CASTLE HAS QUITE A
HISTORY.
IT IS THE FABLED HOME OF
VLAD DRACULA AND A FORMER ROYAL
RESIDENCE UNTIL APPROPRIATED BY
THE COMMIES.
>> THAT IS THE FORMAL LIVING
ROOM, RIGHT?
MAY ASK YOU A SILLY QUESTION?
IS FURNITURE PART OF THE PRICE
TAG FOR THE CASTLE?
>> WELL, I GUESS SO.
>> SO FURNISHED.
>> IT'S FURNISHED.
>> IF YOU DETECT DISAPPOINTMENT
IN MY VOICE, IT'S BECAUSE THIS
SORT OF CASTLE TOUR SCENE IS
ABOUT AS INTERESTING TO ME AS
POKING A DEAD SQUIRREL WITH A
STICK.
>> FASCINATING VIEW, TONY.
HAVE A LOOK.
>> YOU COULD PUT A LITTLE BAR UP
HERE, SOME LOUNGE CHAIRS.
>> LIKE A DECK.
>> WHAT WE SEE DOWN THERE IS THE
LINE OF THE BORDER, 15th
CENTURY.
ON THIS SIDE IS TRANSYLVANIA
WHERE WE ARE.
>> BACK IN VLAD'S TIME, YOU
WOULD HAVE A FAIR AMOUNT OF
PEOPLE ON STAKES OUT THERE TO
DISCOURAGE THE NEIGHBORS.
>> "DON'T MESS WITH US."
>> THEY WROTE ABOUT HIM LIKE HE
USED TO CUT THEM IN PIECES AND
DRINK BLOOD, BUT THOSE ARE NOT
NECESSARILY TRUE STORIES.
>> I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOME OF
THE ACCOUNTS I HAVE BEEN
READING, THEY'RE A LITTLE -- HOW
DID HE FIND THE TIME?
I'M SURE HE THREW SOMEBODY ON A
STAKE NOW AND AGAIN, BUT MAKING
PEOPLE EAT THEIR MOTHER'S
*** AND CHOPPING PEOPLE UP
AND BOILING GYPSIES.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE TRANSPARENTLY
UNBELIEVABLE OR WILDLY
EXAGGERATED, I THINK, CLEARLY.
>> I KNOW THERE ARE THE GERMAN
STORIES, WHICH PRESENT HIM LIKE
YOU SAID, AND ROMANIAN STORIES.
AND OF COURSE WE MAKE HIM LOOK
LIKE NATIONAL HERO.
>> RIGHT.
>> I HAVE TO ADMIT HE WAS A
LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW, CRUEL.
>> SO WE AGREE HIS METHODS WERE
A BIT HARSH.
BUT HE DID PROTECT HIS LAND
FROM HOARDS OF INVADERS.
>> NOW, VLAD DRACULA, THE
CHARACTER, BRAHMS STOKER USED
HIS NICKNAME TO CREATE
COUNT DRACULA 300 YEARS LATER.
VLAD, AS A REAL HISTORICAL
CHARACTER, IT SEEMED LIKE HE WAS
LOCKED FOR TWO WEEKS IN THE
CASTLE PRISON.
IT'S AT THE FIRST FLOOR.
THAT IS THE ONLY CONNECTION TO
DRACULA CASTLE.
>> THIS WASN'T EVEN HIS CASTLE?
>> NO.
>> DRACULA DIDN'T EVEN FREAKING
LIVE HERE.
IT IS A SHAM, BABY.
HE STAYED HERE, MAYBE.
ASKING PRICE GOING WAY DOWN.
BUT AS DARKNESS FALLS OVER
TRANSYLVANIA, ONE HEARS WOLVES
IN THE COLD FOREST, A STRANGE
AND DISORIENTING MIST ROLLS IN.
SOMETHING UNHOLY OUT THERE.
AND THE TRUE HORROR, MY NIGHT IN
THE DARKEST PIT OF HELL BEGINS.
THE SO NOT SCARY, IT'S REALLY,
REALLY SCARY, HOUSE OF DRACULA
HOTEL.
IT'S AS IF A MOTEL 6 HAD SEX
WITH A RENAISSANCE FAIR AND THEN
CRAMMED IN A BREAKFAST NOOK AND
A CRUMMY BAR.
AND THE AGONY HAS ONLY BEGUN.
IT'S HALLOWEEN, AND WE ARE
EXPECTED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE
FESTIVITIES.
DID I MENTION THE HUMILIATION?
OH, YES, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE
SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT TO COME.
>> WELL, IT'S AMAZING DAY, TONY.
NOW MORE TO COME.
>> IT'S A BIG MOMENT.
I THINK I REACHED MY FINEST HOUR
OF TELEVISION.
>> OKAY.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE OF
DRACULA'S BLOOD WINE?
>> I WILL NEED THIS TO FORTIFY
MY NERVES AGAINST THE TERRIFYING
ONSLAUGHT OF HORROR YET TO COME.
THIS IS IT, THE LOW POINT OF MY
CAREER.
>> OKAY.
WE ARE IN ROMANIA. CHEERS.
>> CHEERS.
NOTHING LIKE BIDDING GOODBYE TO
ANY SHRED OF DIGNITY OR
CREDIBILITY YOU MIGHT HAVE EVER
ONCE HAD.
I HAVE A FEW STEADYING DRINKS AT
THE SLIGHTLY HAUNTED COCKTAIL
BAR TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR WHAT
AWAITS ME IN THE CELLAR CAFé OF
THE DAMNED.
>> LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE TO
MEET.
>> OH, YEAH.
HEY, IT'S SWINGING.
MY QUEST FOR AUTHENTIC LOCAL
FOOD AND CULTURE HAS LED ME TO
THIS?
ALCOHOL, PLEASE. ALCOHOL.
I NEED -- COULD WE GET MANY
DRINKS?
>> AND THE JUDGES HAVE MADE
THEIR DECISION.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WE SEEM TO HAVE ARRIVED JUST
IN TIME FOR THE CROWNING OF
MS. TRANSYLVANIA, WHO, IT TURNS
OUT, ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE
GUESTS, ARE TOURISTS FROM
NEVADA.
>> ROGERS.
I WILL DIE IN A ROOM MUCH LIKE
THIS.
I WILL EXPIRE UNNOTICED, HALFWAY
THROUGH THE FESTIVITIES.
>> IF YOU HAVE THE TIME TO DANCE
WITH MR. ANTHONY BOURDAIN, THEN
DO IT NOW.
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> WHOO!
>> JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN'T
GET WORSE, IT DOES.
I HAVE SEEN A LOT OF UGLY THINGS
IN MY LIFE.
>> I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
>> THIS IS WHERE THEY SHOVE A
PINEAPPLE UP MY [BLEEP]
AS THIS SUCKING VORTEX OF
VELVEETA PULLS ME AND ZAMIR DOWN
AND DOWN, I SEE A TINY GLIMMER
OF HOPE.
>> WE ARE PRIVILEGED TO HAVE
THREE MORE CANDIDATES INTO THE
ORDER OF TRANSYLVANIA.
WHO ARE THE CANDIDATES?
ONE!
>> ZAMIR, YOU ARE A CANDIDATE.
ZAMIR BLUNDERS INTO THE THRESHER
LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS INTO A
QUICKIE MART.
[ HORNS BLARE ]
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> THE MUSTACHIOED
COUNT SCHLOCKULA, HIS REGAL
ROBES FESTOONED WITH THE TRACES
OF MANY SUSPICIOUS AND
EVIL-LOOKING DISCHARGES,
CHALLENGES THE ASPIRING KNIGHTS
TO A CONTEST OF STRENGTH.
A TOTALLY POINTLESS, SQUALID,
AND UGLY, HALF-HEARTED YET
VALIANT BATTLE ENSUES.
>> OH, WE GO WITH THE LADIES.
NO WAY.
>> OKAY.
>> FIGHT.
>> YES, FIGHT. FIGHT NOW.
>> AAH!
>> THIS IS WHY YOU LOST THE COLD
WAR.
ZAMIR FOLLOWS UP HIS WEAK-***
ARM-WRESTLING EFFORT WITH AN
EVEN WEAKER ATTEMPT AT ARCHERY.
>> OH.
>> THE OLD CLEAVING OF THE APPLE
ENSUES.
>> MAYBE ONE MORE.
>> AT THIS POINT I AM BEYOND
CARING.
I JUST WANT TO SLINK BACK TO MY
FAUX MEDIEVAL ROOM, CRAWL UNDER
YE OLE BED WITH THE TISSUE
TUMBLEWEEDS OF PREVIOUS GUESTS,
AND MOURN THE *** END OF MY
TELEVISION CAREER.
>> MAYBE THE LAST TRY.
>> CUT IT OFF. CUT IT OFF.
YEAH.
>> DID THEY HEAR THAT?
>> IMPALE HIM.
EVERYONE SURVIVES, BARELY, BUT I
AM FRANKLY DISAPPOINTED ZAMIR
DIDN'T GET WHAT HE DESERVED FOR
DRAGGING ME THROUGH THIS DINNER
THEATER OF THE DAMNED.
I'M PROUD OF YOU, ZAMIR.
IT WAS AN ORDEAL.
>> BRAVO.
>> AND TO WHAT FORM OF
SIGMOIDOSCOPIC UNPLEASANTNESS
WILL I BE FORCED TO SUBMIT NEXT?
THESE BRAKES ARE REALLY FUNNY.
>> [ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
>> WHILE, POST-HALLOWEEN
NIGHTMARES OF BEWIGGED DENTAL
HYGIENISTS DANCE THROUGH MY
HEAD, ZAMIR GOT UP EARLY, HE
SAID TO INVESTIGATE THE FALLOFF
OF LOCAL HONEY PRODUCTION AND TO
SECURE A GETAWAY VEHICLE.
>> [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
DACIA? DACIA?
MAY I LOOK?
GOOD.
A GOOD YEAR. THIS ONE, TOO?
>> THE DACIA -- ROMANIA'S
NATIONAL CAR, WITH A STRANGELY
UNBALANCED STRUCTURE AND TINY
LITTLE WHEELS.
IT WAS PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY
CHOICE BACK IN THE DAY FOR A
*** FUNCTIONARY IN A HURRY.
>> [ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]
>> SIMPLE, BUT GOOD.
HOW MUCH? TELL ME THE PRICE.
I AM READY TO BUY.
>> [ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]
>> [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
TOO MUCH. NO, NO.
LISTEN, IT'S A DREAM CAR.
>> WHEN THE MEETING OF THE MINDS
TRANSPIRES, THE DACIA'S OWNER
GETS SOME MONEY.
>> OH, OH, OH.
IS THE DOG PART OF THE DEAL?
>> AND ZAMIR BELIEVES HE'S
PURCHASED A FINE MOTOR VEHICLE.
NOT SO.
ACTUALLY ONLY RENTED THE DACIA
AS WELL AS AGREED TO HIRE THIS
MAN'S FAMILY FOR MUSICAL
ENTERTAINMENT AT HIS UPCOMING
BIRTHDAY PARTY.
I'LL TAKE IT.
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
ZAMIR AND I BRACE FOR A LONG,
KIDNEY-CRUSHING DRIVE IN THIS
ROLLING DEATH TRAP.
FIRST GEAR, PLEASE.
OH.
GOOD.
BUT THE SOONER WE LEAVE THE LAND
OF COUNT CHOCULA AND BOOBERRY
BEHIND, THE BETTER.
THIS COULD BE A ONE-WAY TRIP, MY
FRIEND.
WITH ITS LOUD LAWNMOWER ENGINE,
ERRATIC STEERING, AND THE FACT
THAT THE PASSENGER COMPARTMENT
QUICKLY FILLS WITH EXHAUST
FUMES, IT IS REALLY ONLY A
QUESTION OF WHICH GETS YOU
FIRST.
HOW DO YOU SAY "FLAMING
WRECKAGE" IN ROMANIAN?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> 12 HOURS LATER, 700
KILOMETERS NORTH OF BUCHAREST,
AND WE ARE IN MARAMURES, ANOTHER
WORLD, WHERE DIRT ROADS AND
THICKLY FORESTED MOUNTAINS
ISOLATE SCORES OF VILLAGES AND
THEIR INHABITANTS.
NOT FAR FROM THE UKRAINIAN
BORDER IS THE MUNICIPALITY OF
SIGET.
>> TONY, YOU MUST BE HUNGRY BY
NOW.
>> WHY YES, YES, I AM.
PERHAPS SOME LOCAL INDIGENOUS
SPECIALTIES.
OH, IT'S GREAT.
CAFE ASTORIA IS CLEARLY A MAN'S
CLUB.
LOCAL WORKERS EAT, CHAT, DRINK
BEER AND A HOME BREW CALLED
TUICA -- A CHEAP, GRAUPEL-LIKE
SUBSTANCE MADE FROM PLUMS.
ZAMIR ARRANGED FOR US TO MEET
WITH A LOCAL CONTACT NAMED
VLADIMIR TO EXPLAIN THINGS A
BIT.
I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD TAKE UP
SMOKING AGAIN IN THIS PLACE.
I THINK HAVE TAKEN UP SMOKING
AGAIN BEING IN THIS PLACE.
>> THIS IS A SMOKE-FRIENDLY
ENVIRONMENT.
THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE PEOPLE
COME DURING WORK FOR A BREAK.
>> YEAH.
>> CHEERS.
>> CHEERS.
>> NOROK -- MY FRIEND. NOROK.
>> SO, BACK IN THE BAD OLD DAYS
THIS WAS A PLACE WHERE ALL THE
DISSIDENTS WERE SENT?
>> IT'S THE FARTHEST POINT FROM
BUCHAREST.
COMMUNIST TIME IT WAS, LET'S
CALL IT, THE FEAR SYSTEM.
SO PEOPLE GOT SCARED.
BACK IN THAT TIME, I WOULD DRINK
WITH YOU, BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE
TOLD YOU MY OPINIONS 'CAUSE YOU
NEVER KNEW WHO WAS NEXT TO YOU.
>> STILL VLAD, WHO CAME OF AGE
AFTER CEAUSESCU FELL, FEELS THE
LEGACY.
HOW COULD HE NOT?
>> PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE PEOPLE.
GOVERNMENT, THAT IS ANOTHER
STORY.
>> VERY TRUE.
>> THANKFULLY, GOOD FOOD WILL
ALWAYS BE GOOD FOOD.
>> COME ON.
YOU SHOULD FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.
THERE'S SOUR CREAM IN IT AND A
LOT OF POTATOES.
>> I ENJOY EVERY INGREDIENT I
CAN SEE.
>> ZAMIR'S CIORBA TARANEASCA,
MEANING SOUP THE DAY, IS MADE
FROM CABBAGE AND VEGETABLES.
>> MMM!
>> OH, THANK YOU.
OH, THAT LOOKS GOOD.
>> WHAT'S THAT, TONY?
>> I BELIEVE THERE IS PORK BELLY
INVOLVED.
YES. YES.
COME ON, YOU GOT TO LIKE THAT.
MY TRIPE AND PORK BELLY SOUP IS
PREPARED WITH GARLIC, VINEGAR,
CHILI PEPPER AND MILK.
BOTH ARE CIORBAS, A WORD DERIVED
FROM THE TURKISH "CORBA," AND
BOTH HAVE A TANGY, TART AROMA
AND TASTE, THANKS TO THE USE OF
A FERMENTED WHEAT BRAN CALLED
BORSCHT.
>> IT'S KIND OF SQUIGGLY
DELICIOUS.
>> I FEEL DRUNK AND STUFFED.
>> ME TOO.
>> WELL, SALUD.
>> SALUD.
>> BELLY'S FULL BUT THE DAY'S
WORK UNFINISHED, ZAMIR AND OUR
NEW FRIEND VLAD HAVE ONE MORE
STOP BEFORE WE SETTLE IN FOR THE
NIGHT.
[ CROWS CAWING ]
SO, ZAMIR, WHY ARE YOU BRINGING
ME TO A GRAVEYARD?
>> WELL, IT IS VERY SPECIAL.
IT IS ONCE IN THE WORLD.
IT'S CALLED FUNNY CEMETERY.
>> FUNNY?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> UNSURPRISINGLY, ZAMIR IS
CONFUSED AGAIN.
IT'S CALLED MERRY CEMETERY.
AND ONE UNUSUAL FEATURE IS
IMMEDIATELY APPARENT.
THE HIGHLIGHTS, OR LOWLIGHTS,
AND EVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF
THE DECEASED'S MOMENT OF PASSING
ARE CARVED ON THEIR TOMBSTONE.
>> THIS IS A PLACE THAT HAS NO
RESERVATIONS, AS YOU CAN SEE.
>> I AM A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE
MOCKING THE DEAD.
>> NO?
>> YEAH.
>> [ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]
>> YOU ARE HERE AT THE MERRY
CEMETERY, WHICH WAS FOUNDED IN
1935.
>> KNOWN BY VILLAGERS OF SAPANTA
AS THE MASTER, DUMITRU IS A TRUE
POET OF DEATH.
>> YOU SHOULD LISTEN CAREFULLY,
GOOD PEOPLE.
WHAT I SAY, THERE IS NO LIE.
>> HE ALONE TALLIES UP THEIR
SUCCESSES AND FAILURES, DECIDING
UPON AND THEN HAND-CARVING THEIR
IMAGES AND EPITAPHS.
>> IN MY CHILDHOOD, I ALWAYS
LOVED MY HORSES.
AND I REALLY LIKED SOME OTHER
GUY'S WIFE.
AND NOW I MISS THE WORLD 'CAUSE
TOO FAST, I HAD TO GO.
IT'S MERRY CEMETERY BECAUSE
EVERYBODY HAS A VICE.
>> A VICE.
>> IN HIS LIFE.
>> YOU NEED AN EXTRA LARGE
HEADSTONE, MY FRIEND.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
WELL...
>> YOU DO NOT WANT TO LET
DUMITRU SEE YOU HELPING A SHEEP
THROUGH THE FENCE, AS IT WERE,
OR YOUR HEADSTONE MIGHT MAKE
COMEDY GOLD.
>> SO, THERE IS A COMIC TEXT
THERE THAT SAYS THAT "TUICA AND
CIGARETTES BROUGHT ME DEATH
BENEATH MY FEET."
>> WOW.
>> A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE
AND DEATH, TO SAY THE LEAST.
COMING UP, A HEARTWARMING
INTRODUCTION TO ROMANIAN VILLAGE
LIFE.
>> MARAMURES -- IN FEW OTHER
PLACES IN EUROPE, IT WOULD
APPEAR, DO THE TRADITIONAL WAYS
OF THE PAST PERSIST SO STRONGLY.
HERE THERE ARE MORE LICENSED
HORSE CARTS THAN AUTOMOBILES.
REALLY.
TODAY IS ZAMIR'S BIRTHDAY, AND
IF ANY REGULAR VIEWER OF THIS
SHOW KNOWS, IT AIN'T A PARTY
UNTIL SOMEBODY KILLS A PIG.
THAT'S IF WE CAN GET THERE.
[ CLUNKING, ENGINE SPUTTERS ]
THE DACIA HAS BROKEN DOWN.
PERFECT.
ZAMIR TRIES ALL THE USUAL FIXES.
[ ENGINE SPUTTERING ]
HEY, I DON'T CARE IF IT IS HIS
BIRTHDAY.
HE BOUGHT THIS DAMN BUGGY.
[ ENGINE SPUTTERING ]
>> AAH!
WOW!
>> THE BACK INJURY WAS NOT
SOMETHING WE PLANNED ON,
HOWEVER.
NOW, THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
OR IS IT?
>> [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> THANKFULLY, HITCHING A RIDE
IN ROMANIA SEEMS A SAFE AND
ACCEPTABLE MEANS OF ALTERNATE
TRANSPORT.
>> NOW I GOT WHAT THE MEANING OF
"YOU ARE SMELLING THE BARN"
REALLY MEANS.
I DO SMELL SOMETHING.
>> HORSE CRAP?
>> YEAH.
WELL, TONY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO A VERY ROMANTIC
CHARACTER -- VICTOR THE BUTCHER.
>> WILL THERE BE PORK INVOLVED?
>> THERE WILL BE A LOT OF PORK
INVOLVED.
>> [ GRUNTS ]
HOW'S THE SUSPENSION FOR YOUR
BACK?
>> SUSPENSION IS NOT THE
SMOOTHEST, BUT I THINK DACIA
MIGHT HAVE GIVEN US A BAD
EXPERIENCE.
SO I MIGHT NEED THE PAINKILLER
EARLIER THAN I THOUGHT.
>> ZAMIR'S 50th IS NOT STARTING
OUT AS PLANNED.
WE ARE NOT KIDDING, BY THE WAY.
THE GUY REALLY SCREWED UP HIS
BACK IN THE CAUSE OF TELEVISION.
>> WHAT NEXT, MY FRIEND?
>> POWERFUL NARCOTICS.
>> OKAY, MAYBE TUICA. TUICA?
GOOD?
OKAY.
>> WE'RE DROPPED OFF AT VICTOR'S
FRONT GATE.
>> [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> MEET VICTOR, THE LOCAL
BUTCHER.
WE ARE GREETED WARMLY BY THE
FAMILY AND OFFERED SOME
ARTISANAL TUICA PROBABLY
DISTILLED BACK IN THE BARN.
>> [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
CHEERS.
>> PERFECT ANESTHETIC FOR MY
INJURED CO-STAR.
AT LEAST HE SEEMS TO THINK SO.
>> NATURAL PAINKILLER.
I LOVE IT.
>> AND AS HAPPENS OFTEN ON THE
SHOW, A LOVELY PASTORAL SETTING
IN A CHARMING VALLEY QUICKLY
BECOMES A GORE-SOAKED
SLAUGHTERHOUSE.
I THINK WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
NEXT.
WE GET ALL SQUEAKY FROME ON THE
PIGGY'S ***.
BEFORE IT'S EVEN BEGUN, THIS
SCENE IS IN RAPID DECLINE,
SPIRALING QUICKLY OUT OF CONTROL
AS ZAMIR STARTS HITTING THE
SAUCE LIKE IT MOTHER'S MILK.
>> MMM.
AM I GOING TO SURVIVE THE 50th
ANNIVERSARY?
THAT'S THE QUESTION NOW.
[ GRUNTS ]
>> I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS MORE
DISTURBING, THE DEAD PIG OR
ZAMIR'S MUFFLED CRIES OF PAIN.
AH, YES ONE FOR THE SPIRITS AND
[GRUNTING] LAY RIGHT THERE.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN, ZAMIR.
I REALLY DO.
OOH. PORK.
WE'LL BE DOING THIS TO ZAMIR
LATER.
THIS, UNLESS I AM MISTAKEN, IS
THE TRADITIONAL SINGEING OFF OF
THE FUR.
SORT OF LIKE A BRAZILIAN BIKINI
WAX, ONLY BURNING IT.
>> [ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
>> ZAMIR?
>> YES, SIR.
>> FORTUNATELY ROMANIA HAS VERY
LIBERAL VIEWS ON THE
DISPENSATION OF PRESCRIPTION
SCHEDULE THREE DRUGS.
HERE YOU GO, MY FRIEND.
>> CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?
>> WANT TO SIT UP?
>> OW.
[ LAUGHING ]
DOGGY, HELLO.
>> NOROK, COMRADES, WE ARE STILL
ALIVE.
>> IT IS GOING TO BE YOUR OWN
PERSONAL MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ LAUGHS ]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
>> THIS TUICA STUFF, BY THE WAY,
IT IS LIKE JAILHOUSE ***, NOT
THAT I KNOW.
BUT ZAMIR CHARGES FORWARD
UNDAUNTED.
I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT
ZAMIR.
HE IS HITTING THAT SAUCE PRETTY
HARD.
AND IT'S -- YOU KNOW IT'S NOT
EVEN NOON.
>> LITTLE RICKY, MEANWHILE, WHO
IS NOW IN BETTER SHAPE THAN
ZAMIR, GETS A SCRUB AND A
RUBDOWN.
LOOKING GOOD.
OOH, THAT TUICA -- IT'S STRONG
STUFF.
>> YOUR PAINKILLER DID NOT WORK
THAT MUCH.
JUST TUICA WHICH HELPS.
NOROK.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZAMIR.
>> HE IS TOAST, MAN.
THE MOLDAVIAN HORSE
TRANQUILIZERS WE GAVE ZAMIR FOR
THE PAIN, WE COULD FIND ON SHORT
NOTICE, ARE MANIFESTING
THEMSELVES IN SOME CLINICALLY
FASCINATING WAYS.
>> AM I DREAMING OR WHAT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
>> I THINK WE WILL BE PACKING
ZAMIR OFF TO THE -- I THINK HE
NEEDS AN IMMEDIATE DUST-OFF.
>> TONY.
S.O.B.
TONY BOURDAIN, WHERE ARE YOU?
>> I'M COMING, MAN.
WE'RE EXFILTRATING YOU.
>> WHERE ARE YOU, MAN?
>> ZAMIR, AFTER CONSULTATION
WITH OUR MEDICAL TEAM, WE
DECIDED WE'RE GONNA LOAD YOU IN
A CAR, WE'RE GONNA DUMP YOU IN A
BED, AND YOU'RE GONNA GET A FEW
HOURS OF RESTING UP FOR
TONIGHT'S BIG BIRTHDAY FEAST.
>> YOU ARE MY MAN.
THE DACIA CAR -- I WAS DREAMING
ABOUT IT.
>> IT'S COMING.
OKAY. HERE WE GO, ZAMIR.
CAN YOU MAKE IT, BUDDY?
>> YEAH, I THINK SO.
WHERE IS MY DACIA CAR?
>> THIS IS IT, MY FRIEND.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
TO THE HOTEL, PLEASE.
AH, WELL, LISTEN, I AM NOT SURE
WHETHER I AM STILL ALIVE.
IT'S MY 50th ANNIVERSARY.
>> AHH.
WHAT A GLORIOUS AFTERNOON.
WITH ZAMIR CARTED OFF LIKE A
TRANQUILIZED BABY HIPPO, VICTOR
GETS STABBY.
HERE COMES PAPI CHULO.
THAT'S LUNGS?
YEAH.
AND THAT'S FOR SORTING OUT LATER
I'M GUESSING.
INTESTINES TO BE USED FOR
SAUSAGE CASING LATER ON.
THE LIVER, KIDNEY, AND OF COURSE
THE HEAD.
VICTOR IS A THIRD-GENERATION
BUTCHER, THE FAMILY BUSINESS NOW
BEING PASSED ALONG TO HIS SON,
WHO HERE DEMONSTRATES
APPROPRIATE LOVE FOR PORK BY
SNEAKING AN OCCASIONAL SNACK.
COOL.
WELL DONE.
I LOOK FORWARD TO DINNER.
IT'S LOOKING AWFUL GOOD.
WILL ZAMIR BOOT AND RALLY, OR
WILL HE HAVE TO FIND A SHALLOW
GRAVE IN WHICH TO DEPOSIT HIS
REMAINS?
>> THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US --
ZAMIR'S 50th BIRTHDAY
CELEBRATION.
VICTOR AND HIS FAMILY PREPARE
SAUSAGES WHILE THE NEIGHBOR
DOINA, GENERALLY REGARDED AS THE
BEST COOK IN VADU IZEI, IS
MAKING US SUPPER.
LUCKILY, I THINK, ZAMIR HAS
REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS JUST IN
TIME TO START DRINKING AGAIN.
>> AHH!
WITH TUICA, TOTALLY -- TOTALLY
RECOVERED.
>> WHOA, WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?
WOW.
>> WOW.
GEEZ, MAN.
>> HOW IS IT?
>> IT'S GOOD.
DOINA HAS BEEN WORKING HARD FOR
HOURS PREPARING A FEAST OF LOCAL
SPECIALITIES.
THE ROMANIAN STANDARD, POLENTA,
LAYERED WITH SLICES OF VICTOR'S
SAUSAGES AND CHEESE.
THE FAMOUS SARMALE -- KIND OF A
MINI STUFFED CABBAGE FILLED WITH
GROUND PORK AND BEEF, RICE,
ONIONS, AND PAPRIKA, AND BRAISED
IN A CERAMIC POT.
THOUGH THE DISHES MAY SEEM
SIMPLE, THEY'RE LABOR-INTENSIVE
TO PREPARE.
>> EGG WITH MEAT INSIDE.
YOU HAVE GOT TO LOVE THAT.
>> FANTASTIC.
>> OOH, THAT'S GOOD.
>> MADAME, MONSIEUR, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, COMRADES, I AM
HONORED TO CELEBRATE THE 50th
ANNIVERSARY OF MYSELF IN THIS
FANTASTIC PLACE.
LISTEN, AMONG MANY SURPRISES I
PERSONALLY FOUND IN ROMANIA,
WERE FANTASTIC ROADS AND
FANTASTIC DRIVERS.
THANK GOD WE HAVE LIFE
INSURANCE, WHICH IS COVERING
THIS COUNTRY.
AND DON'T LOOK AT US AS
CRUSADERS.
WE ARE NICE PEOPLE ONCE WE GET
BACK FROM THE CEMETERY...
ALIVE.
TO DACIA.
>> TO DACIA.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE [BLEEP]
YOU JUST SAID, BUT HAPPY
BIRTHDAY.
>> SO, ZAMIR, WHAT DO YOU LIKE
MOST ABOUT ROMANIA SO FAR?
>> OKAY.
>> OH, MY GOD.
GEEZ, MAN, I AM TRYING TO EAT
HERE.
>> TOAST AFTER TOAST AFTER
TOAST.
ZAMIR WOULD CONTINUE TO CONFUSE
AND BEWILDER THE POPULACE.
FORTUNATELY SOME LATE ARRIVALS
DIVERTED ATTENTION.
>> BOTTOMS UP.
I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE SO
HAPPY TO HEAR THE STRINGS OF
INDIGENOUS MUSIC, THE FOLK SONGS
OF MARAMURES.
>> [ SINGING IN NATIVE
LANGUAGE ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> ZAMIR HAS AGAIN PROVEN
HIMSELF, IF NOTHING ELSE, TO BE
A MAN OF IRON.
SO, WHAT DO YOU GET A MAN WHO
HAS EVERYTHING?
>> YOU WON'T NEED RUBBER GLOVES,
THAT'S ALL I CAN PROMISE YOU.
>> I AM INTRIGUED.
NO.
WOW!
THINK I RECOGNIZE MYSELF, RIGHT,
TONY?
IT'S FANTASTIC IN ROMANIAN
OUTFIT.
I APPRECIATE IT FOR MANY MORE
YEARS TO COME.
THIS IS, LIKE, AMAZING.
>> IT SAYS HERE YOU HAVE ONLY
GOT ANOTHER YEAR.
THE PEOPLE OF MANAMURES ARE A
WARM, WELCOMING BUNCH.
I LIKED THEIR FOOD, WAS GRATEFUL
FOR THEIR HOSPITALITY, THEIR
PATIENCE WITH MY RUSSIAN FRIEND.
>> MORE IMPORTANTLY FOR ME, I
LEARNED AGAIN THAT THERE ARE NO
RESERVATIONS.
>> YES.
WHILE IN ROMANIA THERE WAS
LAUGHTER AND TEARS, ALSO NO
SMALL AMOUNT OF RAGE AND
PERSONAL HUMILIATION.
BUT ON BALANCE, I HAD A GOOD
TIME HERE.
JUST BE ADVISED, DEAR VIEWERS,
BE CAREFUL OF THE TUICA OR YOU
MIGHT END UP LIKE THIS WITH YOUR
FACE CARVED ON A RURAL ROMANIAN
HEADSTONE.
[ TOCCATA & FUGUE IN "D" MINOR
PLAYS ]
[ WOLF HOWLS ]
>> [ HUMMING ]
AH!
[ GASPS ]
[ MAN SCREAMS ]
[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]