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Previously on Californication
I have decided to go abroad,
for an indeterminate amount of time.
I want to make a literary pilgrimage.
Watching her go, I don't know,
it kind of feels like the end of something.
It makes you wonder if she was
the only thing that was
still keeping us together.
We're gettin' married.
- Ahh!
- The Runkles!
I now pronounce you wife and early man.
What the ***?
Dude, I told you I never wanna see his ***
on one of my sets ever again.
Listen, this is a producer-driven medium,
you ineffectual little *** bird.
Shut the *** up, both of you.
I was just thinking about
what I want for all the people in my life.
And I realized that I
just want you to be happy.
I wanna see you smile and know you mean it.
Hank has to go.
He's gotta see a horse about a girl.
So this is about following your bliss?
Is this about love?
It is.
Then you must go.
Go and get her, pal.
[Pete Townshend's Let
My Love Open the Door]
[Knock at door]
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
Karen, hello.
What are you doing here?
I thought you ran off with
the rock and roll circus.
I did.
But I came back for you.
Let my love open the door
Let me love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
When everything feels all
When everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leaf clover
Take all the worry out of your mind
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
To your heart
Let my love open the door
When tragedy befalls you
Don't let it drag you down
Love can cure your problem
You're so lucky I'm around
Let my love open the door
Karen.
Hello.
What are you doing here?
I-I thought you ran off
with a rock and roll circus.
I did, but I came back for you.
Oh.
Well, I-I know it's overwhelming,
disorienting even.
But I couldn't be out there knowing that
you were back here alone, by yourself.
Getting older, by the way.
[Shushes]
Karen, I love you.
I have always loved you,
and I will always love you.
But we need to resolve this ***,
one way or the other.
- Wouldn't you agree?
- Sure, sure, but
No, no buts.
We gotta roll up our sleeves
and do the work right now.
I-I say we stay here
until we figure it out,
or until we both get so
***' *** we can't stand it.
Either way, it's a win-win for both of us.
Uh, hello.
Dude, please, no, absolutely not.
We are not sharing our table with you.
What are you, European or something?
- I'm sorry, should
- Oh, no.
I'm really sorry. This This is
This is What is this?
Explain yourself, woman.
Hank, this is Chris.
He's in my yoga class. Oh, Jesus.
And this is Hank. He's
He is? He is?
From my life.
Yoga class?
That ***' old chestnut?
Karen, please, come on.
- Um, I-I'm sorry.
- You should be.
Hey, what are we talking about here?
Bikram?
[Bad Indian accent] Who has
time to make time during Bikram?
It's so ***' hot and farty in there.
You ever let one loose in there, cowboy?
I'm sure you have.
It's hard not to let a little prairie dog
run in through there, huh?
Uh, why don't we do this another time?
Now there's an idea.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
Yeah, don't be.
Um, it's totally cool.
I know where to find you.
Stalker.
Really nice to meet you, Hank.
Pleasure was all mine, yoga man,
all ***' mine, all day long.
Bye-bye now.
Namaste away, buddy boy.
- Thanks.
- Look.
This is what makes us fantastic.
We're laughing about that creeper.
What are you talking about?
- He's totally hot.
- What?
Westside yoga guy?
That is the oldest
schtick in the book, Karen.
You're not falling for that.
His *** probably tastes like hummus.
- Cummus.
- Hank
[Chuckles]
Oh, my God.
This is not going as I had hoped.
[Upbeat music]
[Rock music]
- Hanky panky.
- Ahh.
I thought I would find you here.
One pear Cosmo-Tini, please, my good man.
He's not kidding.
And he's not gay anymore, entirely.
No.
I came back for her, Charlie.
Yep, Atticus told me all about it.
I ripped my heart out and
I threw it at her feet.
And what did she give me in return?
A *** sandwich to chew on.
But enough of my harrowing despair.
Tell me about your honeymoon.
Did you crazy kids ***
each other's faces off?
Never mind all that. I got news.
Don't tell me another gnarly skin tag
has sprouted up on the other side of that
hideous little pouch you
like to call a ***.
That, and Atticus just fired me.
[Chuckles] Bummer.
But not before he fired you too.
That's impossible.
That cunty little ***' ginger loves me.
Mm-hmm.
He was incredibly moved by my quest.
Yes, he was. Yes, he was.
And then he got incredibly bored.
And your absence made him grow
a hell of a lot fonder of Aaron Sorkin,
who suddenly became incredibly available.
Aaron Sorkin.
Bringing your Broadway career
to a sudden screeching halt.
[Grunts]
Okay, well, what now?
I'm waitin'. Go on. Say it.
- Come on, just say it already.
- Say what?
- Say it.
- Oh, that.
- Yeah.
- No, I won't say that.
- Come on. Make me happy.
- I ca
It would be irresponsible of me, Hank.
[Grunts]
I do not have an offer for you.
Oh, that's not entirely true, actually.
Yeah, some kid keeps emailing me
about wanting to interview you
for his college newspaper or some ***.
Oh, I need a ***' job, Charlie.
- Yeah, so do I, Hank.
- I need to present myself
to Karen as an adult male with a job,
a hunter and a gatherer, a provider.
Aw, you're sweet.
And totally ***' naive.
There are no jobs, Hank, not anymore.
Why, you don't ask?
Because you have pissed on and pissed off
anyone and everyone
who's ever given you one.
You have taken a *** on all of it, Hank
Books, movies, theater
- Well, what about television?
- What about it?
I could *** on that.
You don't even watch television.
Doesn't mean I can't write it.
What are we gonna do, Hank?
It's all right. It's all right, baby boy.
Tonight we drink.
Tomorrow you start making some phone calls.
An opportunity will present itself.
If not, we can always stuff our pockets
full with rocks and
walk hand-in-hand
into the pacific.
That sounds romantic.
Speaking of romance,
I wanna hear about your honeymoon.
Did you give your aging
bride a kidney infection?
No, really?
Okay. Talk to me, buddy boy.
Tell me all your woes.
Dr. Hanxtable is most definitely in.
Where's my bride?
Marcy Runkle!
My beautiful bride
Cokey smurf.
Are you serious right now?
[Growls]
This is just what we need, Charlie,
a bad case of Whiskey ***.
- Oh, no Whiskey.
- Don't worry about it, Marce.
- I didn't drink any Whiskey.
- Dude's been slamming
pear Cosmo-Tinis all night long.
- That's what I had.
- He probably grew
a big lippy *** down there.
I'm gonna *** you so hard, Marcy.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna *** you.
Yeah, let's not write any checks
your limp biscuit can't cash, okay?
- Hey, hey.
- Oh.
Be gentle with the boy.
He's delicate right now. What about me?
I impulse remarried a depraved lunatic
who can't even get it up for me.
Aah.
I know. It's not good.
I'm sorry, Marcy, you deserve better.
- Yeah, I do. I do.
- Hey, you guys.
Bring it in. Take a knee.
Okay.
You guys gotta get this
*** in perspective, okay?
[Groans]
I came back for the love of my life
and she rejected me,
which bums me out on many levels.
Not the least of which
is that you fucktards
got your *** together before we did.
Now you, you're letting
your pasty white cone head
get in the way of the prime directive.
Yours is not the reason why.
Yours is to seek and destroy
her shimmering ***.
Don't be ***' with her elf-esteem.
Aw, thanks, Hanky.
And she's got the magic ***.
You know you want it.
I do want it.
I'm gonna *** your face off, Marcy.
All right. All right.
You're gonna ***'
be seeing ***' stars.
- One step at a time.
- I'm gonna *** you.
Let's see if we can get some blood flowin'
to that thin, bent *** of yours
- [Growls]
- Yes, baby.
Wait Hank, stay.
You're not coming.
- [Pounding on door]
- [Groans]
Whaaat
can I do for you?
Settle down, dude. Are you Charlie Runkle?
Who's askin'?
My name's Levon. I've been
emailing you about Hank moody.
I want to interview him.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I sent you, like, 20 emails.
Wh Why are you here? Who
Who told you where I live?
The Internet told me. You
got a pretty retarded name.
Do you know how many Charlie Runkles
there aren't in Los Angeles?
- You got the wrong Runkle, kid.
- You're lying.
- [Phone beeps]
- That's you.
You're the *** agent.
Look, whatever. If Hank's
into it, I'll be in touch.
No, come on, man, can I meet him?
- No! No, that's impossible.
- Please.
What's the racket?
How the *** a brother supposed to get
- some beauty sleep around here?
- That's him.
- Y-you're him.
- Who?
You're Hank Moody.
Hank Moody I must be. Who you be?
This would be Levon.
He's the kid I've been telling you about.
He wants to interview you
for his college newspaper.
What the ***, Runks? I
didn't tell you to set that up.
You lying, *** *** ***.
You did get my emails.
I like this kid. Levon,
huh? That's pretty groovy.
Your parents big Elton John fans?
- My mother.
- Must have good taste.
- That's debatable.
- [Phone rings]
Hey, look, are you okay
with whatever this is?
Yeah, it's fine.
Come on in.
Levon, you got 15 minutes.
I want you out of here before I wake up.
Now, what do you want to talk about?
Okay, uh, right.
So, uh, where were you born?
Oh, you want to go way back.
I was born and bred in the Bronx,
but my parents moved to raise me
like veal on the island of long,
which ultimately inspired me to escape
back to the big, bad wilds of the city
as soon as I was vaguely able.
How many girlfriends have you had?
Uh, a few?
Uh, how many significant relationships?
What, you writing my obituary?
Do you consider yourself a misogynist?
Not really. I mean, I'm
a big fan of "Womaninity".
I like it all Y'know.
Big, fat, tall, short, small,
white, black, yellow,
purple Big fan of lady-ness.
I thought you wanted to
talk about my writing.
- I've read your books.
- And?
Do you have any children?
Yeah, one, a daughter.
Okay. Does she think that
you are a good father?
I'm sure she has issues with the old man.
Do you think that you're
a good interviewer?
How many hearts have
you broken in your life?
Hey, kid, do you have a problem with me?
Did I *** your girlfriend or something?
Hank! Hank, you were right!
A new day has dawned,
and the opportunity has presented itself.
Come on, change your clothes.
We got ourselves a meeting.
- Where? Where?
- I'll tell you on the way.
Come on, let's go. You, kid, outta here.
- Wait
- Just
Can I Can I come with you guys?
It might be good for the article.
You know what? We'll "re-shedule."
Really great start today!
Bye.
[Laughs]
[Stage bell rings]
Just don't come off as one of those
snotty, pretentious ***
who looks down on television.
- Me? Never.
- How is it?
To be honest, it's like
a colonoscopy of the mind.
Hank.
But if he asks, I will tell
him it's "Totes ***' brill."
I will be my absolute best self in there.
Good boy. It's weird seeing you like this.
- All driven and ***.
- [Laughs]
Funny how these things
come full circle, huh?
When people are truly connected
they can never truly escape each other.
Speaking of which, how's Marcy?
Good. Great.
Yeah. Just back from
the honeymoon, actually.
Ah.
Gosh, Runkle, you really know
how to kick a guy when he's down.
I know exactly what that
woman is like on a honeymoon.
Our magnificent sex organs
were fused ten days straight.
I couldn't stand not being inside of her.
I walked around the hotel
room and [Snaps] Boom.
Right there on my jock.
Steady, Runks.
Hey kid, nice to see you. How you doing?
Oh, I'm great, Moody.
Last we met, I was directing
Santa Monica Cop the movie,
now I'm peripherally involved
with Santa Monica Cop the TV show.
So things are going really
well for me. Thanks for asking.
***. What the *** happened?
Where'd you go wrong?
I recall things going to ***
somewhere around the time you showed up.
Oh, pshaw. The very idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
let us not rehash ancient history, right?
Okay, Sam went off the rails,
they shut the picture down,
my beloved wife divorced me.
But did I wallow?
Well, yeah. Sure.
But then I picked myself the *** up,
I dusted myself off,
and I sold that messy,
late-term abortion as a TV pilot.
Because that is what a producer does.
He takes a sudden burst of rain
and turns it into a golden shower.
[Door opens]
Quiet.
Writers start talking *** about you
the second you leave the room.
I want to know whose option not
to pick up when the time comes.
Rosenberg.
You ***' ***.
You'll get yours. Heh! Very nice.
Try paying for private
school next year with no job.
You must be Hank.
Henry James moody the first.
Rick Rath. Call me Rath.
Who are you? Why are
you here? I'm his agent.
He likes to make sure I don't
use my feces as a crayon.
Take a walk. You guys too. Get out.
Leave us alone. Talent only.
Remember what I told you.
Guy's a monster. Leave us alone.
- Just a *** monster.
- Talent only.
I'm not gonna hire you, Hank.
Really?
Yeah.
You don't even want to hear
what I think about the script?
I mean, I had a whole speech
prepared and everything,
followed by a PowerPoint presentation
and a brief but very moving puppet show.
Stu had asked me to sit down with you,
I-I admit I was intrigued,
but then I did my due diligence.
And every single person I reached out to
said you are an absolute,
*** nightmare.
So there you have it, case closed.
I mean, sorry, but the last
thing I need around here
is some snotty, pretentious ***
who's gonna look down on television.
Yeah, but if I'm not wrong,
you do need a writer who
can actually write, right?
Well, yeah, talent's always a plus,
but life is too short
for shenanigans, Hank.
I'm I'm too old to be babysitting
toddlers with toxic personalities.
Okay, just hang on and hear me out, okay?
If I'm not mistaken,
you got a room full of
hacks and wannabes in there.
The hacks give you a safe,
fear-driven mediocrity
because they just want to
keep their pools heated,
and the wannabes wanna be
because the lifestyle looks so swell,
but they have nothing to
write about and it shows.
That's an incredibly
cynical generalization, Hank.
I am the best of both worlds.
I have the the sexy,
energetic brain of a newbie
and the body of a drunken, old hack.
And you *** the bed all over this town.
So why would this gig be any different?
Fair enough. That's a good point.
And I have squandered a lot
of opportunities, it's true.
Yeah.
I could give you a bunch of excuses.
I could blame it on my *** agent
or I could chalk it up
to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles,
but the truth is that
I'm trying to grow the *** up for once.
You know, I'm on a quest to
reclaim the best parts of myself
before it's too ***' late.
And it all starts with me getting a job.
Well
That's very inspiring,
but are you sure you can
actually handle the job?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- Can you show up on time?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Play nice with others?
May Maybe. Yeah.
Can you take a note
without getting defensive?
Possibly.
Can you work with actors
without *** them
- or punching them?
- Oh, so you have read my work.
Yeah, I've read your
work. I like your work.
It actually reminds me of some
of the *** I used to write.
Once upon a time, back in New York.
Before all of this *** swallowed me whole.
Hey, man
I'm a sucker for a good redemption story,
but I am suspicious of your motives.
What is this really about?
I guess you could say it's about a girl.
[Knock on door]
[Clears throat]
The writer's assistant just IMd me.
Rosenberg's doing his
impression of you again.
Think he's trying to stage a coup.
***.
Hey, I'd give the *** a tittie twister,
but that's just me.
Thank you for seeing me.
No, hey. Sit. You stay.
I'm not guaranteeing anything,
but I might have an open
seat in about 45 seconds.
I got eyes and ears all over
this *** building, scumbags.
[Sighs] Okay.
To be perfectly honest, I'm just
I'm feeling a little bit nervous.
Okay.
Can we just not be such
a *** girl, Charlie?
This is just me. It's just me.
Your sexy, little *** ninja.
- What?
- Nothing.
It's just that seems like
something stu would call you.
I'm sorry.
Well, yeah, it probably is.
Among other things. And I'm sorry, baby.
I just get confused. Things
happened so fast between us.
I know, I know. Look, maybe
Maybe we just made a mistake.
Hey, you shut the *** up.
No retreat, no surrender.
I am not ready to call this *** yet.
Okay? Gimme kissy.
- Gimme more.
- Mm.
- Mm?
- Mm.
Mm?
Oh, hey, no, not yet. Not so fast, okay?
Just it's, um you
know, it's a little
handsy.
[Sighs]
Okay.
Okay, baby.
Why don't you just let
mommy work her mommy magic?
Okay?
Ok Okay. [Chuckles]
Yes, please, mommy.
But don't don't actually call me mommy,
because that's *** creepy, right?
Right. Yeah, my bad.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[Exhales]
[Moaning]
Oh
Mm.
Mm
It's not working, Marcy.
It's just it Ugh!
- [Pounding]
- Oh, my God!
- Stop it!
- I want to feel something!
- Anything!
- No! Be nice to my ***!
Stop!
It's just It's so upsetting, Marcy.
I know, baby. I get it.
Okay? But just breathe. You gotta relax.
Just breathe.
Okay. Look, you know what?
Let me go down on you.
What? No, no, no, no
Yes, Marcy! Yes, please!
I insist, okay?
I'm gonna go down on you
because I need to feel like a man tonight!
Okay, so munching my box
has become all about you?
You're such a *** narcissist, Charlie.
I need to go down on you, Marcy!
Fine. Go ahead.
- [Groans]
- Okay.
Eh-eh
[Sobbing]
Oh, my God, Charlie. If you're
gonna eat me out you can't cry.
Okay. I'm sorry.
'Kay.
[Sighs]
Yeah, papi, get it. Is that good?
- Mm. Mm.
- [Sobbing]
[Rock music]
Pardon, excusez-moi.
I don't want you to think
I am European or anything,
you know, but maybe I
could share your table?
Oh, I'm sorry, mademoiselle,
but I'm meeting somebody
from my Pilates class.
Oh, zut alors.
Very flexible guy.
He can actually suck himself off
and clip his toenails at the same time.
We're taking it slow.
Just getting to know each other.
Hank, I'm not involved with anyone.
Well, that's good to know. Me neither.
I'm just kidding about the Pilates guy.
Good to know.
So what are you doing here?
Oh, I'm meeting this kid.
He's gonna interview me
for a college newspaper.
Oh, dear. Has it come to that?
I know, right?
You remember that nice
lady from the New York Times
who wrote that nice profile
on me all those years ago?
I do. The one with the ample ***.
Yes, she did have an ample ***.
You know what I didn't do?
I didn't sample that ample ***
because I loved you so much then.
And I still love you.
Because you're an incredible
human being, Hank moody.
- Finally you speak the truth.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry about the other day.
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
Although I don't know why I'm apologizing
'cause I-I came back for you and all.
It was a lot to process, you know?
And And the timing was all off, and
Well, that's us in a nutshell.
Couple of good-timers with
exceptionally bad timing.
- No
- [Laughs]
Uh, hello?
Excuse me.
Are you the wife?
No no, I'm not.
This is the mother of my child.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Di Did he leave you?
- No.
- Wha
She left me.
Actually, it's complicated.
Yeah, sounds like it.
Well, I believe we
actually had an appointment.
Oh, yeah, sure.
I'm gonna shoo.
Let's talk later about
things big and small.
I want to tell you all about my new job.
I'm intrigued.
Stop it.
Um, it was nice to meet you.
My name's Karen, by the way.
Okay. Bye.
Okay. Good luck.
[Clears throat] Is it
cool if I record this?
- Yeah, whatever you gotta do.
- Okay, great.
[Recorder beeping]
Hi.
Hi yourself.
Okay, uh, so I'm here with Hank Moody,
writer of books and some movies, I guess.
Anything else?
No, I think that about covers it.
Thanks for the intro, Charlie Rose.
[Phone clatters]
She's pretty hot. That lady.
- I concur.
- Like in a milfy way.
Oh, that's the besty way.
Yeah, I guess.
I guess you hit that, huh?
Totally. I totally hit that.
Cool. Did Did you used to love her?
I do. Very much so.
Are you guys, like, together still?
Not, like, at the moment, like, no.
I guess it's smart to
keep your options open.
Wouldn't want anything tying you down.
Yeah, but "Freedom's" just another word
for missing someone.
I think Taylor swift said that.
Yeah. You want to be a writer, huh?
No. No, not really. Seems like hard work.
It's the worst. It sucks balls.
It's having homework for
the rest of your life.
What do you want to do?
Well, I kind of want to be an actor.
Right on. Noble. Practical.
Yeah.
My grandmother says I
remind her of a young, um
Dustin Hoffman.
No, Marlon Brando.
Ah.
Yeah, it seems like fun, you know?
You show up somewhere,
everyone's always really nice to you.
Get to hang out with all
these beautiful actresses
and kiss them and ***.
And you have a nude
scene Touch their ***.
Mm.
Then you get to move on,
do the same thing all
over again somewhere else.
[Sighs] Seems like a really great life.
The life I'm trying to lead for myself.
Sure.
Bet you *** a lot of actresses, huh?
I'm sorry, what is this
supposed to be about again?
You. The The type of guy you are.
Things of that nature.
Well, how do you think you
know what type of guy I am?
Well, I don't know. I'm
trying to figure it out.
One thing I know for sure,
you seem kind of into yourself.
And you seem to have some kind
of weird beef with me, kid.
You sure I didn't *** your
girlfriend or something?
- No, no, not at all.
- You sure about that?
Pretty much, yeah.
Never really had what
you'd call a girlfriend.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah.
But you did *** my mom.
What?
You *** my mom.
Really? You're not *** with me?
Mm-mm.
Oh, dear. Oh, me, oh, my.
Believe it or not, this
has happened to me before.
It's very unpleasant.
But we're gonna get through
it. Just keep calm and carry on.
All right?
Now, when did this unfortunate
moment of carnal whimsy occur?
Mm
I don't know, I guess about
nine months before I was born.
[Pete townshend's Let
My Love Open the Door]
When people keep repeating
That you'll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can't seem to get enough
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart