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Hello there.
Although a small faction here at St. John's,
We Marxists have always been at the avante-guarde
of Critico-Analytic Revolutionary Party Theory.
And so we thought that,
given the nature of this year's Senior Prank,
we could impart some of the knowledge we've acquired
over the last four years to you
the young men and women who will inevitably be
our great victors.
In this brief tutorial, we'll show you,
the average bourgeois Johnnie,
how to throw a truly revolutionary party.
Determining who should be invited to party
and who should be shipped to the labor camps of Santa Fe
can be a vertiable minefield of awkward social situations.
That's why we at the Communist Party
recommend violent class warfare.
After all, it was Marx who rightly said,
"The history of all hitherto existing celebratory functions
is the history of class struggle."
And that's why,
in preperation for our upcoming ice cream social,
we'll begin liquidating the Juniors.
Now, you'll want to steer clear of
your traditional Johnnie beverages
like fine champagnes and aged single barrel scotches, you social parasites.
Rather, stick to the working man's libations to get plastered
Proletariat-style.
Stephanie, what do you have there?
I was just on my way to my local wine and beer shop
to get two thirty-racks of PBR,
six jugs of Carlo Rossi,
and enough Ruble to really turn this thing into a riot.
And, ultimately, the goal is a literal riot in the streets.
Bottled beers are also a good choice
because the empties can be fashioned into Molotov Cocktails.
Once you've paired people with alcohol,
the whole party sort of takes on a self-propelled wheel sort of situation.
At this point, your job as host/political commissar
consists in keeping a variety of talking points/armed militia
in case any conversation turns counter-revolutionary.
In case things do slow down or get a little
Facisty,
you can just bust out any of these prepared topics
and get things back on to the world historical path.
Well, that's all the time we have for today.
I hope our little tutorial has been helpful,
especially in regard to the freshmen
whom I personally understand
cannot throw a decent party to save their lives.
I mean, I wouldn't know
because I've never spoken to one before
but, uh, seriously, get it together guys.
Well, this is Jack Garrett
on behalf of the Communist Party of St. John's
reminding you that we'll be waiting.