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concrete steps towards living life to the fullest
untangle your emotions and live life to the fullest
the art of conscious living
1. Why this book? 2. Basic Theory - A, 3. Basic Theory - B
4. Phase 1, 5. Phase 2, 6. Phase 3, 7. What can you expect from PRI?, 8. Good luck!
The premise of PRI is...
that most of our problems in the here and now, most emotional problems we have...
are not caused by the present, which is what we believe of course...
but that they are caused by past events.
It is obvious in the fact that you objectively know a lot of things shouldn't be a problem for you.
For example: fear of speaking in public is a good example, a lot of people suffer from this.
They know that there's nothing really to be afraid of but that doesn't take the fear away.
Or you get upset every time you see specific things happening on the news.
You know fair well that it doesn't change anything to be terribly annoyed and irritated...
but that doesn't take the irritation away.
Such examples, everyday examples indicate that the emotional brain is in charge.
The emotional brain commands our reactions and not our rational brain...
because if the latter would be the case, we would be able to do something about it...
we would have a choice, but more often than not we don't have that choice.
So, why is that? In PRI we look at it as follows.
A small child is by definition hugely dependent and vulnerable.
Completely dependent on his parents to get his needs fulfilled.
A tiny baby can't go and see if things are better at the neighbours.
A tiny baby can't say, hey mom and dad, you have to do it differently.
A tiny baby can't give himself what he needs. In short, he has no choice...
is entirely dependent on his parents for the fulfilment of his needs.
If those parents, due to their own limitations...
and all adults have those limitations, regardless of how they try their best...
if they can't meet the need of that small child because of their own limitations...
then that will create a life-threatening situation for that child.
Because the child is completely dependent on people who do not give him what he needs.
He can't leave, he can't put things in perspective in time, he can't help himself.
This premise, that you as a small child don't get what you need...
causes the consciousness, that initially is whole, to split into two parts.
One part where these experiences...
which would be crushing if the child actually would realize...
'I'm at the mercy of people who can't give me what I need'...
these experiences are stored there, as it were put away in one part of the consciousness...
whereas in the other part of the consciousness nothing's the matter.
This mechanism, the consciousness that is split into two parts...
between which a thick wall is built to ensure that the split is maintained properly...
that nothing will accidently filter, that's the principle that helps a child survive anything.
So no matter how bad it is, the neglect or mistreatment or abuse...
no matter what happens, a child with a healthy immune system...
because that's what it is, that split in our consciousness with that wall in between...
I call that the immune system which ensures that a child can survive everything.
However, the problem arises when we grow up.
Because by then that mechanism, that split, which I also call the psychological immune system...
it turns in fact from lifesaving, what it was when we were little, into life-threatening.
Because it's the system that is going to cause us...
to live in a way that is destructive towards ourselves, to our environment and to our children.
Not only emotionally, so that we suffer from all kinds of problems...
that make our life a lot harder than it should be, but also physically...
as people start doing all kinds of physical unhealthy things...
caused by these various defences stored in the wall.
I distinguish five defences...
that constitute that wall that splits our consciousness into two parts.
And that wall of defence, I also call it the psychological immune system...
which can be compared to a physical immune system.
A physical immune system encapsulates bacteria and viruses...
that invade our bodies from the outside. The psychological immune system...
also encapsulates intruders from the outside, you might say.
Those five different defences that constitute the wall, those are actually all illusions.
And these are illusions because they make us believe in five different ways...
that it's not true that we did not get what we should have received.
Or that it's not true that our needs weren't met.
Because that is the life-threatening, crushing truth of a small child: that his needs are not met.
If it would be fully aware: I'm on my own and I don't get what I need...
it would create a crushing and potentially life-threatening situation.
So the truth must be hidden away, tucked away very far.
And these 5 different illusions do just that.
And when we're grown up...
those illusions makes us believe that the problem is not in the past, where it actually is...
but that the problem lies in the present.
So that's what those 5 defences have in common: they focus our attention on the here and now...
so that we work on the present instead of realizing:
yes, but there's nothing wrong with the present, something else is going on...
namely something that has happened a long time ago, is being touched upon.
So how does that happen? This is caused by the five different defences.
The first defence I distinguish is the Fear defence.
And Fear is the defence, the moment you notice you suffer from anxiety...
are afraid of something, when there is no threat in the present.
If there's no physical threat in the present situation, and you're scared...
then something is wrong.
I use the example of something that many people are familiar with: public speaking.
A lot of people are fearful of it. That is very obviously a defence...
because whatever public speaking is, it can be unpleasant, it can be difficult, it can be stressful...
but for it to be dangerous is unlikely, I'd say.
So there you have it, anxiety and public speaking don't go together...
so that is a clear case of a defence.
And Fear gives us the illusion that we can still escape.
The truth being: the child could not escape...
the child could not get away from the situation he was in.
So fear gives the illusion that you can escape and so it hides the truth that you couldn't.
The next layer on top of Fear is a defence that I call Primary Defence...
and Primary Defence gives us the illusion that the problem lies within ourselves...
that our needs are not met because there's something wrong with us.
Those are thoughts you have that there's something wrong with you.
Think of feelings like: it's my fault, I screwed up...
or I'm not good enough or I'm not nice enough or I'm not interesting enough, you name it...
there are many, many variations.
And finally thoughts like: it's too much for me...
it's too hard, it's way too much, I will never be able to do that, those kind of feelings...
if you have those, it denotes Primary Defence and it focusses on yourself...
the idea that something is wrong with you...
instead of seeing the truth that something underneath is being touched upon...
something that has got nothing to do with you or the present...
but a lot with things that have happened in the past.
On top of the Primary Defence come the layers False Hope and False Power.
And those two illusions have a lot in common. Because False Hope gives us the illusion...
that if only we'd change in the present, everything will be okay...
and False Power gives us the illusion that if only the other person would change in the present...
everything will work out fine.
Specifically: False Hope consists of thinking for example:
if only I'm going to do my best even more...
or if only I work even harder or if I'm just nicer, or if I... You name it, it's endless:
some people think that happiness is to be found in being more successful.
In any case, the idea is: if only I change...
then ultimately I will get what I need.
The flip side is, if only the other person changes, if only he would be different.
So all the feelings of irritation, anger are caused by False Power...
because the idea is:
if only my partner would change, the relationship would improve.
Or: if only my neighbours would make less noise my life would be a lot better.
Well, the examples are endless.
From minor irritations to huge tantrums people throw and everything in between is False Power.
False Power and False Hope both give us the illusion...
that the solution to the problem can be found in the present.
And finally the last layer of defence I distinguish, which is the wall's top layer...
I call it Denial of Needs.
And that is a defence that makes us actually wanting only one thing and that is:
to not feel so much.
Because the illusion of Denial of Needs is that there is no problem.
So the previous defence layers take you close to the old pain...
that is stored in the lower part of the consciousness...
the Child Consciousness I call it.
Fear is pretty close by, you feel a lot...
Primary Defence that makes you feel all sorts of unpleasant emotions...
False Hope/False Power are a bit more pleasant states of mind...
but are still both pretty emotionally coloured states of being.
Denial of Needs by contrast is so to speak a state where you have no more problems.
So there is no problem, there is nothing to worry about...
and you might wonder: so what does it matter, is that in itself a problem?
Well, the problem with Denial of Needs is that it takes the feeling out of life...
so that people who spend a lot of time in Denial of Needs...
experience a relatively flat emotional state of being.
So life is grey, there is little passion, there is little vitality...
energy, spontaneity, enthusiasm...
all those things that really colour our existence, make it worth living...
those disappear in Denial of Needs.
So life will just pass by and flow flatly from one month to the next, into the next year...
without it actually being lived.