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(Transition from previous sketch)
The fact that I just gave birth, it hasn't helped me to feel like a girl, see
Oh yes, because I JUST gave birth
Huh?
Oh, no, it's nothing
There are just girls that get back in shape quite naturally
And others for whom this is a bit harder
Whatever...
***!
Anyway I wouldn't mind telling you about childbirth
But we're at table, let's not
Huh? No, it's just that I'm not allowed, actually
You didn't know that?
Oh no, young mothers, women who just delivered are not allowed to talk about it
We're held to secrecy, didn't you know?
We have to sign a confidentiality agreement
So we wouldn't scare the future generations
They ran statistics
If we told what a carnag... HAPPINESS this is
Humanity could become extinct in 50 years...
I swear they make us sign something
We are continuously being watched by the nurse squad
Hi there. No, we're just talking, no worries, I am great, thank you.
We are asked to send a positive message about motherhood
Well at least to remain evasive, this is what we're told
That's why when you're pregnant for the first time you're super worried
You're full of doubts asking friends, your sisters, your mothers:
"So? What is it like? Does it hurt? It is long? I'm scared! Tell me!"
And they go like: "Oh, you'll see, you forget, don't know, pff, can't remember"
But deep in their eyes you can see the carnage.
Actually we're just allowed tell you three things which I will tell you next
So, what were those three things... ah yes!
So the first thing: "Pregnancy is a little long, especially towards the end"
Second thing: "Oh, Epidural? That doesn't hurt..."
Size of the needle...
"Oh C-section, it kind of pinches a little".... Voilààà....
Those are the three things we are allowed to tell you
We're not allowed to talk about the baby blues
I don't know who the heck invented this term but it's a bit weak, "Blues"...
You don't have the blues when you had a baby, no, Johnny's got the blues!
YOU have a post-partum depression, just wanna hang yourself in the shower
But "deperession" is not a pretty word, not pretty at all
It's scary, yucky pudding
So the marketing guys came up with a new word: "baby blues"
Sounds pretty, baby blues, it's true it sounds so cute
Wow! I got the bluuuues! You're gonna start singing with a guitar on your bed.
And you think "If only I could get it!." Yes, honey, you will get it, no worries
There are always those girls who tell you they have never got it, right?
That's the same girls who tell you that labor "was the happiest day of my life"
I have no problem believing them
But what I really wonder is, for those girls:
What did the OTHER days of their lives look like?
Perhaps if you're from Afghanistan, during wartime
Or you've been kidnapped, *** every day by your uncle, maybe
Then yes, childbirth CAN be the most beautiful day of your life
It could even be a big fiesta, woo!
Nah, it's okay, it's just my placenta, woo!
I don't want to discourage you
So what can I say about pregnancy?
It's a bit like a hangover that lasts 9 months
But the real hangover, the big one
The one where you wake up, throw up and think:
"I will never ever drink again!"
Pregnancy is the same thing: You get up in the morning
you vomit, and you think "I will never ever make love again, ever!"
Which, for me, is the same as saying: "I wll never ever drink again!"
Huh, not you? No, not you...
There go the nurses again... good evening, ladies
No no, but I was just getting there... (the squad!)
So what I can say positive about pregnancy?
Well there are some great things, for example...
Hemorrhoids, oh no that's is not good... sorry no no no...
Yes! Cystitis... oh no not good... there's the...
stretch marks uh... not good either, no wait... oh yes, I got it, of course:
During pregnancy, people tell you all day long: "You look so great!"
"You pregnant women have such an aura"
Sure! I haven't had a drink or a cigarette for 9 months
And I'm 40 pounds overweight. ***!
Give me your cigarette! Blow the smoke in my face!
You can only look great, coz you sleep 12 hours a day, you don't drink, of course
You also have beautiful hair and nails, that's great! Yaaaay, greaaaaat!
Have you ever tried to flirt with a guy with your cuticles?
Or maybe if you go like this ..
The best thing about pregnancy is that you have gorgeous ***
At least BIG ***, coz beautiful.... you should see what's under there...
Apparent veins, the French motorway network as filigree, sublime, wonderful
Google Maps constantly on you, you can't get lost!
"We're here, honey, er, I suggest we take that route?"
"Oh, no, no, that's is a dead end, don't even try..."
It's true that all mothers are heroes to me, honestly
What all you women you all went through, and that includes me
This is why it will be difficult for men and women to understand each other
You men also have your share of suffering, of course
Your life is not easy
You are like working around the house, and, oh, the hammer! Ouch!
Oh no wait, but it's hard!
Sure it's hard to be a man, you've got to be tough
You play football and snap! Ouch! I got scraped in the mud...
But compared to you we went to Viet Nam
That? That's Melissa, summer of '82, I remember as if it were yesterday
Helluva beautiful baby, 5.4 kg, 56cm
At one point I said "Go on without me, guys, I'll just slow you down"
C- section, 16 hours on the OP table
I was too young, Joe... I was too young"
That's the twins, Diana and Karine
Breastfed from September '84 to August '85
Bloody cracks.
I would not have seen it. No one should EVER have to see this!
That? That's Toby, my dog, he bit me, nothing to do with it
I'm *** you boys, you also have your Viet Nam, of course
Your Viet Nam, is already Viet Nam, coz we didn't go there, that was you guys
Er, other than that, your true feat, I think, seriously
The real feat of men is putting up with a pregnant woman for 9 months
"I'm cold, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I want to throw up"
"Are you sleeping? I'm hurting. It's all YOUR fault. I'm ugly! Do you love me? I hate you!"
Make love to me! DON'T TOUCH MEEEEE!
CAN'T YOU SEE I AM HAPPYYYYY?! "