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[ ALARM BEEPING ]
>> JUMPING JEHOVAH!
IT'S ONE MINUTE TO CHRISTMAS!
PACK THE TOYS, GET MY LIST, AND
IF THOSE FLEABAGS AREN'T
SADDLED IN SIX SECONDS, THEN GET
YOUR *** UNDER THE MISTLETOE
'CAUSE MY BOOT'S GONNA GIVE IT A
[BLEEP] SOLE KISS.
AND WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF MY
WAKE-UP CALL?
PACK YOUR [BLEEP] AND GET OUT.
HYAH!
[ REINDEERS WHINNY ]
>> [ CRYING ]
>> HOLY...LET'S DO THIS!
[ WHISTLE! ]
[ WHISTLE! ]
[ WHISTLE! ]
[ WHISTLE! ]
>> SANTA REMEMBERED ME!
[ SPLAT! ]
>> OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
>> BOO-YAH! 15 SECONDS TO SPARE.
I [BLEEP] RULE!
SANTA DANCE.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA [BLEEP] ME.
SANTA'S THE ONE DOING THE
[BLEEP] TONIGHT.
[ GRUNTS ]
WHY WON'T THIS THING OPEN?
>> [ Grunting ] GET OFF OF ME!
AAH! STOP!
ACK, YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!
>> NO, SANTA. NO!
[ ZAPPING ]
>> AAH! AAH!
YAAHHHHHH!
[ THUD! ]
>> I HATE CHRISTMAS.
[ ALL GASP ]
YOU HEARD ME.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> NO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE
HOME.
BECAUSE THERE'S STILL JEWS
EATING DINNER.
I WISH I COULD BE HOME
CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS WITH MY
FAMILY, TOO.
I HATE THE JEWS, TOO, HONEY.
OKAY, BYE.
>> WHEN THAT LUMBERJACK
VIOLENTLY CUT ME DOWN, I THOUGHT
"OH, MY LIFE IS OVER."
BUT THEN, YOU WELCOMED ME INTO
YOUR FAMILY.
THESE HAVE BEEN THE TWO HAPPIEST
WEEKS OF MY LIFE.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
THANKS, CHRISTMAS TREE.
>> OH, WE LOVE YOU,
CHRISTMAS TREE.
>> MORNING, GORGEOUS.
HEY, WHERE WE GOING?
>> OH, UM, WE'RE ALL GOING ON
VACATION TO UNIVERSAL STUDIOS.
>> AWESOME!
I WANT TO GO TO
HARRY POTTER LAND AND TRY THAT
FAKE BUTTERBEER.
YOU'RE GRABBING THE LUGGAGE?
REMEMBER, GRAB THE SUNSCREEN.
[ GARBAGE TRUCK BEEPING ]
HOLD UP, THERE.
NO, NO, NO.
I'M ACTUALLY ABOUT TO HEAD TO
FLORIDA WITH MY FAMILY.
CAROL! HELP!
JEFF, GET OUT HERE, MAN!
THEY THINK I'M TRASH!
I THOUGHT I WAS PART OF THE
FAMILY.
YOU LIED TO ME, YOU ***!
ARE YOU [BLEEP] KIDDING ME?!
THINK POSITIVE.
MAYBE SOMEONE WILL JUST USE ME
FOR BOOGERS OR NUMBER ONE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THAT THEM?
>> SALLY, GET SOME EXTRA TOILET
PAPER, OKAY, HON?
WE'RE HAVING INDIAN FOOD
TONIGHT.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> OH, NO, NO, NO!
>> DEAR, WE THOUGHT WE COULD USE
THIS AFTER YOUR CHIMNEY
ACCIDENT.
>> HO! HO! HO!
A CANDY CANE -- HOW THOUGHTFUL.
AAH!
>> OH, NO.
>> IT WAS ACTUALLY MADE OF
CANDY?
>> WE THOUGHT IT WOULD HOLD YOU!
>> OH, WAS THIS LOAD-BEARING
PEPPERMINT?
OH, GOD.
I SHATTERED MY TIBIA.
>> AW, THAT'S NOT FAIR!
>> WHO'S LAUGHING AT
"BIG FOOT" DANNY NOW.
>> WELCOME BACK TO
"THE JUSTIN BIEBER CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL WITH LOVE."
>> I LOVE YOU ALL.
THIS IS A SONG I WROTE ABOUT
CHRISTMAS AND HOW IT MAKES MY
HEART FEEL.
[ HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS ]
♪ [BLEEP] CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ [BLEEP] CHRISTMAS ♪
[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
♪ I SEE THOSE PRESENTS THAT YOU
BOUGHT ME ♪
>> ♪ [BLEEP] 'EM ♪
>> ♪ I SEE THAT RIBBON IN YOUR
HAIR ♪
>> ♪ I'LL CHOKE YOU WITH IT ♪
>> ♪ MY CHRISTMAS CARD UP ON THE
MANTLE ♪
>> ♪ IT'S A PHOTO OF MY *** ♪
>> ♪ AND ALL THE STOCKINGS HUNG
WITH CARE ♪
>> ♪ THEY'RE FILLED WITH MY
[BLEEP] ♪
>> [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
♪ [BLEEP] CHRISTMAS ♪
YEAH!
OOH, OOH, YEAH.
>> WE NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM
WITH DAVID CASSIDY.
>> CASSIDY WAS A HACK.
BIEBER IS A [BLEEP] ARTIST.
>> [ PANTING ]
[ CRACK! ]
>> [ GRUNTS ]
[ GUN *** ]
[ GRUNTS ]
AAH!
YOU'RE A HARD MAN TO FIND,
JASON.
[ SIGHS ]
THE LIST -- LOOK WHAT IT MAKES
ME DO.
LOOK WHAT IT MAKES ME DO.
[ GAGGING ]
>> PARCHEESI!
>> OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?
MORE BLOCKS.
YAY.
[ FANFARE PLAYS ]
>> ALL GIFTS PRESENT AND
ACCOUNTED FOR, EXCEPT
SNAKE EYES.
>> HE'S SO HARD TO BUY FOR.
>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH WHAT WE
ALWAYS GET HIM?
>> I NEVER HEAR HIM COMPLAIN
ABOUT IT.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET
A GUY WHO WON'T TELL US WHAT HE
WANTS?
>> THERE IS ONE THING HE WANTS,
AND WE ALL KNOW IT.
>> OKAY, THERE'S STORM SHADOW'S
HOUSE.
WE ZIPLINE OVER, BAG HIM, AND
GET HIM BACK TO THE BASE FOR
SNAKE EYES TO OPEN ON CHRISTMAS
MORNING.
>> All: YO, JOE!
>> TAKE HIM ALIVE!
>> All: YO, JOE!
>> OH, BABY, I'M SORRY.
>> OW! OW!
OHH, THIS IS NOT GOOD.
>> WE'RE NOT LEAVING WITHOUT
YOU, MISTER.
YO, JOE!
>> I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!
>> MERRY [BLEEP] CHRISTMAS.
>> WELL, THAT'S TRUE, MRS. CAGE.
IT ONLY SAYS YOUR CARD IS
DECLINED.
I INFERRED THAT YOU WERE POOR.
>> IT'S JUST -- IT'S BEEN SO
HARD TO MAKE ENDS MEET SINCE MY
HUSBAND PASSED AWAY.
>> CAGE -- WHERE HAVE I HEARD
THAT BEFORE?
>> FINISH HIM!
>> [ GROANS ]
>> OH, RIGHT. THAT GUY I KILLED.
WAIT!
WELL, IF YOU'RE SURE I'M NOT
IMPOSING, I'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU
FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER.
>> WONDERFUL.
IT'LL BE JUST LIKE HAVING
JOHNNY BACK.
YOU REMIND ME OF HIM, YOU KNOW?
YOU HAVE HIS HEART.
>> KANO RULES!
>> HYAH!
>> OKAY [GRUNTS] OKAY.
>> HYAH!
>> OH.
>> OH, OH.
UNH-UNH.
[ LAUGHS ]
LISTEN, SARAH.
THIS HAS BEEN A PERFECT DAY, BUT
SOMETHING I NEED TO CONFESS.
>> [ SIGHS ]
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> IT'S -- IT'S JOHNNY'S HEART.
I WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED HIM.
>> KANO, THIS ISN'T A HEART.
>> IT'S NOT?
>> SO HE REACHES IN AND PULLS
OUT MY APPENDIX.
[ ALL LAUGH ]
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
HE ACTUALLY SAVED MY LIFE, QUITE
FRANKLY.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ SMOOCHES ]
>> OH, BOY! OH, BOY! OH, BOY!
CHRISTMAS! YAY!
♪ JINGLE BELLS, MOM'S IN TEARS,
WHAT IS GOING ON? ♪
>> EVERYBODY, BE COOL.
WE'VE JUST BEEN ROBBED!
>> *** EVEN TOOK THE TREE.
WHAT COULD THE BLACK-MARKET
VALUE ON A RAPIDLY-BROWNING
DOUGLAS FIR POSSIBLY BE?
>> NO -- NO PRESENTS?
>> OH, HONEY, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE...
PRETEND CHRISTMAS.
OPEN IT.
>> IT'S, UH...
>> IT'S JUST A MINT-ON-CARD
VERSION 2 SNAKE EYES FROM 1985
WITH AN AFA GRADE OF 99.
>> THIS GOT STOLEN?!
AAH!
>> SWEETIE, YOU DIDN'T OPEN YOUR
FRAMED ORIGINAL ARTWORK FROM
G.I. JOE NUMBER 21 WITH SIGNED
CERTIFICATE FROM CREATOR
LARRY HAMA!
>> AAH!
[ Crying ] WHY DID THIS HAPPEN
TO ME?!
[ INDISTINCT CHANTING ]
HUH?
>> JOIN US, FRIEND.
ALL OUR HOUSES WERE ROBBED.
>> THANKS, BUT I DON'T WANT TO
SING AND FEEL BETTER.
>> [ Laughing ] OH, NO, WE'RE
NOT SINGING TO FEEL BETTER.
WE'RE CHANTING TO RAISE THE
SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE FROM THE
DEPTHS OF HELL TO SEEK OUT THE
[BLEEP] WHO STOLE MY CHILDREN'S
iPads AND DISEMBOWEL HIM WITH A
GIANT FLAMING SPEAR.
>> YOU'RE IN THE WRONG CIRCLE,
DAVE.
THE "CHANT FOR VENGEANCE" CIRCLE
IS OVER THERE.
>> AAH, DAMN IT.
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
THE STOLEN PRESENTS, THE SINGING
RUBES -- I KNOW THIS STORY.
[ GASPS ]
THAT MEANS THE THIEF SHOULD
BE...
AHA!
IN HINDSIGHT, RACING UP THIS ICY
MOUNTAIN IN A ONESIE WAS A BAD
IDEA.
CAN'T...GO...ON.
[ BREATHES HEAVILY ]
OH, SNAKE EYES, YOU'LL HAVE SOME
INSPIRATIONAL WORDS FOR ME.
UH...KIND OF DROPPING THE BALL,
SNAKE EYES.
WOW, LARRY HAMA!
>> YOU CAN DO IT.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
>> NOT THE MOST ORIGINAL WORDS
OF INSPIRATION I'VE EVER HEARD.
>> LOOK, KID.
I USED TO WRITE A COMIC BOOK
THAT WAS BASICALLY WORD BALLOONS
ON A TOY CATALOG.
NOW, IF YOU WANT ME TO READ SOME
PASSAGES FROM MY UNFINISHED
NOVEL --
>> NO, THANK YOU.
GRINCH, COME OUT OF THAT SLEIGH
SO I CAN WHIP THE GREEN OFF YOUR
*** ***!
IT'S EASY TO TALK TOUGH TO A
VILLAIN WHEN HIS LITTLE BIRD
WRISTS ARE EVEN BONIER THAN YOUR
OWN.
[ GASPS ]
YOU'RE NOT THE CARTOON GRINCH.
YOU'RE THE STUPID-***
JIM CARREY GRINCH.
>> A GRINCH IS A GRINCH,
MY LITTLE FRIEND.
AND I'M AFRAID YOUR PRECIOUS
PRESENTS --
>> YOU TOOK THE BEST CARTOON OF
ALL TIME, AND YOU PISSED IN ITS
MOUTH!
>> HEY, HEY, HEY.
LET'S NOT GET PERSONAL.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
KEEP MY STUFF.
I'M ABOUT TO GIVE MYSELF THE
BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT OF ALL
TIME.
>> NOOOOOOO!
[ WHISTLE! ]
[ CRASH! ]
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND
TO ALL, A GOOD --
>> [ BARKING ]
>> OH, MY GOSH.
THAT LITTLE STOCKHOLM-SYNDROME
DOG.
>> [ WHIMPERS ]
>> OH, MY GOSH!
OH, THESE TOOTH MARKS ARE REALLY
GONNA AFFECT THE AFA GRADING,
THOUGH.
>> [ WHIMPERS ]
>> ♪ LA-BOO-DA-BOO,
BRING US... ♪
>> EVERYONE, LOOK WHO FELL
THROUGH MY ROOF -- THE CHRISTMAS
THIEF!
>> THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE
ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!
[ ALL CHEERING ]
WOULD THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE
WANT US TO *** IT?
>> IT IS CHRISTMAS.
[ ALL CHEERING ]
>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.