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- COMING UP ON BAD INK...
- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA SEE IT? - OH, MY SURE.
- BY THE LOOKS OF THINGS, I'M KIND OF--
YEAH, I WANT TO SEE IT.
- I WAS AN EXOTIC DANCER IN AN ALL-MALE REVUE.
- REALLY? - IT GETS WORSE.
[laughter]
- I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD TAKE ME TO DINNER BEFORE I...
- NO, SO DO I.
- IT KEEPS GOING. - IT KEEPS GOING?
- YEAH, IT KEEPS GOING DOWN. - HOW FAR DOES IT GO?
- IT'D LIKE YOU TO SEE WHAT THIS MAN GOT IN GUAM FROM A DJ.
- OH, MY GOD.
I'M GONNA BE PROFESSIONAL FOR JUST A MINUTE, OKAY?
- FOR ONE MINUTE. - HOLY [bleep].
[upbeat jazzy music]
WELCOME TO THE MISTAKE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.
WE HAVE A REPUTATION IN THIS TOWN.
WE'RE SAVING VEGAS
ONE BAD TATTOO AT A TIME.
♪ ♪
- WELL, IT'S A FULL MOON TONIGHT IN LAS VEGAS,
AND, MAN, THAT ALWAYS BRINGS OUT THE LOONIES.
WE'RE GONNA GO OUT AND HUNT FOR SOME BAD INK.
- I HAVE ONE RIGHT HERE.
IT'S LIKE MY SKIN RIPPING WITH MONEY UNDERNEATH.
THAT'S NOT THE BAD ONE. - OKAY, THAT'S NOT THE BAD ONE.
- NO, NO, NO. ARE YOU READY?
- YEAH, I AM ACTUALLY.
[laughter]
- YEAH, RIGHT? CAN YOU TELL WHO THAT IS?
- IT'S THAT. - OH, YEAH!
PORTRAIT. - THAT'S HUNTER S. THOMPSON.
THAT'S JOHNNY DEPP.
THAT'S JOHNNY DEPP AS HUNTER S. THOMPSON.
- DEPP, DUDE.
FEAR AND LOATHING ON SOME CHICK'S THIGH?
I LOVE A FULL MOON.
[howls]
DID YOU AT LEAST PUNCH THE GUY IN THE FACE AFTER HE DID IT?
- OH, YEAH. - GOOD.
- SO ONE TIME IN STURGIS,
I GOT A LITTLE INTOXICATED,
AND IT WAS A BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE.
- BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE TATTOOS?
- [laughing] YEAH. - REALLY?
SO BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE?
MAYBE NOT THE BEST DECISION WHEN YOU'RE GETTING TATTOOED.
- WELL, SHE DID START IT OFF WITH
"THIS ONE TIME AT STURGIS,"
SO OBVIOUSLY THIS ISN'T YOUR AVERAGE CHICK.
- GIVE US THE SECOND WORST ONE.
- ALL RIGHT.
[laughter]
A CLASSIC.
A CLASSIC.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF FONT THAT IS.
- WE HAVE MATCHING TATTOOS. - YEAH, SEE?
- OH, WE CAN PUT 'EM TOGETHER. - SAME, SAME.
LOOKS LIKE GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE.
- WELL, NOT COMPLETELY ALIKE.
YOU KNOW I ALMOST ALWAYS KEEP MY PANTS ON WHEN I MEET NEW PEOPLE.
SO "YOUR NAME" IS--THAT'S THE BAD ONE OR THE GOOD ONE?
- THAT ONE'S THE FREE ONE. - THAT WAS THE FREE ONE.
WELL, I WANT TO SEE THE ONE YOU PAID FOR, THEN.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SEE IT?
- BY THE LOOKS OF THINGS, I'M KIND OF--
YEAH, I WANT TO SEE IT.
DUDE, WITH AS MUCH ENERGY AS THIS CHICK HAS,
THIS IS GONNA HAVE TO BE SOMETHING INSANE.
THERE'S NO WAY THAT SHE HAS AN AVERAGE TATTOO.
THIS IS GONNA BE SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD.
- ARE YOU READY? - READY.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
[laughter]
- IT'S A DRUNKEN PAC-MAN.
- IT IS. - BUT IT KEEPS GOING.
- IT KEEPS GOING? - YEAH, IT KEEPS GOING DOWN.
- HOW FAR DOES IT GO?
HE'S MOWING THE LAWN.
[laughter]
YEAH.
- THOSE ARE GRASS CLIPPINGS.
- IT'S GRASS. YEAH, IT'S GRASS.
- THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MOW LAWN.
I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL HAVE EVER DONE IT.
- I HAVE MOWED A LAWN OR TWO IN MY TIME.
- [laughs]
- WE FOUND THE FUNNIEST TATTOO I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.
- I LOVE THAT THE ONLY COLOR IN IT
WAS JUST THE LITTLE LAWN CLIPPINGS AND THE RED BEER.
- THE RED BEER. - [laughs]
- THE ARTIST WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW, HONEY,
"I ONLY GOT TWO COLORS, MAN, SO...
"YOU KNOW, IT'S GRASS, AND YOU GET RED BEER,
AND THAT'S IT."
- SO ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN COVER IT?
- THE CHALLENGE IS THOSE LINES.
THEY'RE THICK, AND THEY'RE--
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE IN THE SHAPE OF A GUY MOWING THE LAWN.
BUT HAVING SAID THAT, I [bleep] LOVE THAT TATTOO.
[laughter]
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A LAWN MOWER TATTOO.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW I DON'T HAVE ONE?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WOULD DO.
I THINK ONCE YOU GET SOBER UP THIS WEEKEND...
[laughter]
OH, JULES.
- JUMP IN THE LIMO AND HEAD BY THE SHOP.
- YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP SOBER.
WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT'S NOT MY BUSINESS.
- OH, THIS IS SO CUTE. - I KNOW. THANK YOU.
CAN I GET ONE THERE TOO?
- [screams]
- [laughs]
THIS IS WHY I LOVE LAS VEGAS.
- DIRK?
- OH, MAN. HOW DID YOU FIND THE PLACE?
IT WAS LOT OF FUN MEETING JULES LAST NIGHT
AND HER LANDSCAPER,
BUT I THINK IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO PART WAYS.
SO JULES GOT SOME ISSUES WITH THIS TATTOO.
IT'S IN A VERY SENSITIVE AREA,
IT'S GOT A BEER CAN, AND IT'S GOT LAWN CLIPPINGS.
LAY DOWN.
- [laughs]
- FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE, GETTING A TATTOO IS NERVE-RACKING.
BUT I HAVE A FEELING JULES COULD LAUGH HER WAY
THROUGH A ROOT CANAL.
ALL RIGHT, NO LAUGHING. CROTCH TIME.
[needle buzzing]
- BUT I'M JUST SO NERVOUS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO COVER IT UP?
- IT'S ALMOST ALREADY GONE.
YOU'RE BARELY FLINCHING. IT'S RIDICULOUS.
- 'CAUSE IT DOESN'T REALLY HURT.
- THE LAST TIME JULIE TALKED ABOUT HOW TOUGH SHE WAS,
SHE GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY A STRIPPER.
- BUT SHE WAS PREGNANT, AND I CALLED HER OUT ON IT.
[laughs]
- GETTING INTO A FIGHT WITH A PREGNANT STRIPPER?
THIS MIGHT BE THE MOST LAS VEGAS THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF.
- THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE IT MORE LAS VEGAS
IS ADD A WHITE TIGER.
- YOU'RE DONE. - YAY!
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
THERE'S A BIG MIRROR RIGHT BEHIND YOU THERE.
- WHOOP.
OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO PRETTY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THERE'S NO LAWN MOWER MAN. I WANT TO CRY.
- I LOVED HOW THE PAC-MAN HEAD BECAME THAT CENTER OF A FLOWER.
SEEMS LIKE AN EASY FIX, BUT I LOVE THOSE ACCIDENTS SOMETIMES,
WHEN DESIGNING A COVER-UP,
AND SOMETHING WORKS OUT.
THAT THING WAS ALREADY THERE, SO I USED IT.
- I NEVER THOUGHT I'D LOSE IT,
BECAUSE NOBODY COULD DO IT.
EVERYBODY WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "IT'S GONNA BE SOMETHING REALLY DARK.
IT'S GONNA BE UGLY."
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU.
- OH, MY PLEASURE.
- SHOULD I PUT MY PANTS ON BEFORE WE HUG?
- NO.
- WOW, IT'S JUNIOR.
- OH, JUNIOR.
- GOT A TEXT FROM JUNIOR.
HE'S GOT A GIRL AT RI RA
WHO NEEDS SOME HELP WITH A TATTOO
AND A COUPLE PINTS WAITING FOR US.
- HE ALWAYS DOES THAT TO GET ME OVER THERE.
- GOD, I LOVE THAT GUY, MAN.
- WHEN YOU'RE IN MY LINE OF WORK,
IT DOESN'T HURT TO HAVE A FEW SCOUTS AROUND TOWN
LOOKING FOR HORRIBLE TATTOOS.
JUNIOR'S WORKING DEEP UNDERCOVER
AS AN IRISH BARTENDER.
- ON OUR WAY, MATE.
- JUNIOR! - JUNIOR!
- HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, LADS?
- HOW ARE YOU, MATE? - WHAT'S GOING ON, BROTHER?
GOOD TO SEE YA. SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE, LADS.
HER NAME IS ERICA.
SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE AT THAT TABLE.
YOU CAN'T MISS HER, ALL RIGHT?
I'LL BRING YOU OVER A COUPLE OF PINTS, OKAY?
SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.
- ARE YOU ERICA? - HI.
HOW ARE YOU? - HI, ERICA. I'M DIRK.
- HI, DIRK. I'M ERICA. VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
- RUCKUS. - HI, RUCKUS. HOW ARE YOU?
- JUNIOR SAID WE WOULD BE BLOWN AWAY BY WHAT YOU HAD.
- YEAH, YEAH, I THINK YOU MIGHT BE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET ME TELL YOU THE STORY FIRST.
- I'M LISTENING. - OKAY, GREAT.
SO WE'RE GONNA GO BACK, LIKE, 17, HIGH SCHOOL REBEL.
- TWO YEARS AGO? - CRAZY--
THANK YOU.
SO I'M DATING THIS GUY, RIGHT?
I'M, LIKE, SO IN LOVE. HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
HE'S, LIKE--HE DOES TATTOOS.
- WAS HE BALD AND SELF-CENTERED?
- HE WAS ABSOLUTELY BALD.
- SO, I MEAN, AT LEAST WE FOUND OUT
SHE LIKES BALD-HEADED TATTOO ARTISTS.
- I'M NOT A TATTOO ARTIST.
- [chuckles]
- I SEE THIS PICTURE THAT I WANT.
I TELL MY BOYFRIEND, "THIS IS WHAT I WANT."
- RIGHT.
- SO WHEN WE'RE DONE,
I GET UP AND I'M LIKE, "WOW,
THAT'S KIND OF NOT REALLY WHAT I WANTED AT ALL."
- SO WHERE IS THIS AT?
- WELL, IT'S IN AN AREA THAT'S KIND OF HIDDEN,
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE FROM MY MOM.
- SO, I MEAN, HOW DOES THIS AFFECT YOUR DAILY LIFE?
THIS TATTOO?
IS IT THE PLACEMENT? IS WHAT IT IS?
- UM...
SO I'M LIVING IN VEGAS. - RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SERVICE INDUSTRY,
AND WE HAVE THESE AUDITIONS
WHERE IF YOU WANT TO BE A COCKTAILER,
THE AUDITION PROCESS IS, YOU WEAR A BIKINI
YOU STRUT DOWN A RUNWAY IN FRONT OF, LIKE, 12 JUDGES,
AND IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE THE BIKINIS ARE VERY TINY.
- A COCKTAIL WAITRESS JUDGE? THAT'S THE JOB I WAS BORN TO DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? - AWKWARD.
I HAVE TO SHOW YOU. - YEAH.
- SEE, IT'S A LITTLE MORE QUIET IN HERE.
I KNOW THIS IS WEIRD. - RIGHT, IT'S WEIRD.
- NO, YOU WALK INTO A ROOM, AND YOU LIFT YOUR SKIRT.
BUT YOU CALLED ME. - WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS.
- I DID. OKAY.
I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD, LIKE, TAKE ME TO DINNER BEFORE I...
- NO, SO DO I.
- ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY? - I'M READY.
[laughter]
- I FEE LIKE I'M DOING SOMETHING ELSE HERE.
ALL RIGHT, SO...
[laughter]
- WE'RE GONNA GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER REAL WELL.
- WE JUST MET ERICA.
SHE GOT A TATTOO FROM AN EX-BOYFRIEND
IN A VERY INTIMATE PLACE.
- ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY? - I'M READY.
[laughter]
- I FEE LIKE I'M DOING SOMETHING ELSE HERE.
ALL RIGHT, SO...
- JEEZ.
[laughter]
WE'RE GONNA GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER REAL WELL.
OKAY, I'M GONNA BE PROFESSIONAL FOR JUST A MINUTE, OKAY?
- JUST FOR ONE MINUTE. - HOLY [bleep].
[laughter]
SHE SHOWS ME THIS ANGEL
WAY DOWN.
IT'S LIKE RIGHT NEXT TO...
- IT'S DOWN AND TO THE INSIDE,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
- IT'S AN ANGEL WITH A KNIFE.
- HE'S GOT A SHIV.
- WAIT, THERE'S A KNIFE?
- IT'S A PRISON SHIV.
- WAIT, THERE'S NO BOW AND ARROW?
I THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE, AN ANGEL WITH AN ARROW LIKE CUPID.
- THAT'S NO BOW AND ARROW.
THAT'S A KNIFE,
AND JUDGING BY WHERE HE'S POINTING IT,
I'D DO WHAT HE SAYS.
BUT IT IS FIXABLE. YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
- BUT IS IT GONNA BE, LIKE, TERRI--
LIKE, SO IT'S GONNA BE BIGGER, OBVIOUSLY.
- NOT NECESSARILY. - REALLY?
- NOT TOO MUCH BIGGER.
THERE'S A LOT OF CHALLENGES ON THIS.
THERE'S THE PLACEMENT.
THERE'S THE SIZE.
THERE'S THE SCAR TISSUE.
AND I NEED TO ADDRESS ALL OF THOSE THINGS
WITHOUT GOING IN.
IT'S...
MAN, THIS IS GONNA BE A TOUGH ONE.
- WELL, OKAY, SO, LIKE, WHAT KIND OF IDEAS DO YOU HAVE?
- I JUST MET YOUR ***.
[laughter]
I'M STILL--
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?
- I DON'T KNOW SOMETHING MEANINGLESS.
LIKE, I'M A CERTIFIED DIVER, AND I LOVE THE WATER,
SO I FEEL LIKE IT KIND OF SYMBOLIZES ME.
- I KNOW YOU WANT TO PUT A BUNCH OF MEANING INTO THIS,
AND THAT'S OKAY,
BUT THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS IT'S DARK,
IT'S IN A WEIRD LOCATION,
AND IT'S BIG.
JUST THINK ABOUT SOME THINGS THAT HAVE MEANING TO YOU.
I'LL TRY MY BEST TO MAKE THEM GET RID OF THAT.
- OKAY.
- HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH! OOH!
HEY, HEY, HEY.
♪ OH ♪
SHA! HUH! HUH!
- HEY. - HI. WELCOME.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- I'M WORKING ON YOUR DRAWING RIGHT NOW, ACTUALLY.
- LET'S SEE.
- ERICA'S GOT ONE OF THE WEIRDEST TATTOOS
I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.
THE PLACEMENT IS SO BIZARRE.
IT'S SUCH A WEIRD AREA TO TRY TO...
- TO, LIKE, COVER UP.
- AND BE RESPECTFUL OF THE AREA
WITHOUT TURNING IT INTO A JOKE.
- HMM. YEAH. NO, FOR SURE.
- ALL THE BUTT JOKES THAT YOU'RE GONNA GET REGARDLESS.
[needle buzzing] ALL RIGHT.
- WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF HAVING A SHOT BEFORE I DID THIS?
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?
- SHOTS CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.
THE END OF THE DAY, A NEEDLE IN THE ***
IS A NEEDLE IN THE ***.
ALL RIGHT, YOU READY? - YEP.
AH.
- NOT SO BAD, HUH? - ARE WE DONE YET?
- [chuckles]
ERICA SAID SHE DOESN'T WANT THE TATTOO MUCH BIGGER.
IN ORDER TO DRAW THE EYE AWAY FROM THE LOCATION,
I HAVE TO GO BIGGER.
IT'S A BIT RISKY, 'CAUSE THIS IS
GONNA BE BIGGER THAN SHE EXPECTS,
BUT I THINK WHEN SHE SEES IT,
SHE'S GONNA LOVE IT.
- YOU HAVE A GENTLE TOUCH.
[laughs]
WHOO! - ALL RIGHT.
YOU READY TO SEE THIS?
- OKAY, I'M KIND OF NERVOUS.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
I'M SO NERVOUS.
I GOT TO TAKE A PEEK.
[gasps]
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD!
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!
- SHE IS BEAUTIFUL.
- I'M SO EXCITED.
I'M SO EXCITED THAT I CAN WEAR A BIKINI
AND PEOPLE AREN'T GONNA THINK I HAVE DIRT ON MY BUTT.
[laughter]
- THE GREAT THING ABOUT THE MERMAID IS,
YOU GOT A TOP HALF THAT'S NICE AND CLEAN.
THE BOTTOM IS THE TAIL,
AND THAT'S WHERE YOU CAN HIDE A LOT OF STUFF,
BECAUSE YOU GOT ALL THOSE SCALES,
AND I CAN TWIST THAT TAIL ANY WAY THAT I NEED TO.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID.
- LET'S GO CELEBRATE.
- NO OFFENSE, BUT I'M TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOUR BUTT.
- THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE HEARD THAT.
- I KNOW. - [laughs]
- SO WE ARE HEADING DOWN TO THE DOUBLE HELIX.
- OH. - YEAH.
- I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN A WHILE.
- WHISKEY AND CIGARS. - ALL RIGHT.
- AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT,
WE GOT THIS DUDE NAMED MICHAEL...
- OH, WE'RE GOING DOWN TO MEET SOMEBODY?
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS WORK.
- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THE WORK TILL TOMORROW.
- ALL RIGHT, I CAN DO IT.
- HEY, GUYS. DIRK.
- I THINK WE FOUND OUR VICTIM.
- I'M MICHAEL. - DIRK.
- NICE TO MEET YOU. - HOW ARE YOU, SIR?
- PLEASURE, PLEASURE.
- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU ON THE WAY IN, MAN.
I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR THIS STORY.
- WELL, I'M A 20-YEAR-OLD KID, 19-YEAR-OLD KID,
WAS WHEN MY STORY STARTED.
AND I WAS IN THE AIR FORCE IN THE SMALL LITTLE ISLAND GUAM.
- RIGHT ON. - THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
- GOD BLESS.
MY SECOND JOB-- I'M NOT PROUD OF THIS NOW--
THIS IS THE AFTER RIGHT NOW--
I WAS AN EXOTIC DANCER IN AN ALL-MALE REVUE.
- REALLY? - YES.
[laughter]
SO I FIGURED, I'M GONNA PUT A TATTOO ON ME.
I GOT TO THINK, "OKAY, THIS SOMETHING I WANT TO DO.
IT'S GOT TO--KIND OF WANT A SEXY KIND OF THING."
THE GIRLS WOULD THINK IT WAS KIND OF HOT.
A BUDDY OF MINE, DJ DAVE,
HE SAYS, "COME TO THE RADIO STUDIO
"AND WE'LL GO AHEAD AND DO SOME WORK.
I HAVE A GOOD IDEA."
HE'S A TATTOO ARTIST ON THE SIDE.
WELL, THE PROBLEM IS, HE'S WORKING.
HE'S ON THE RADIO. - [chuckles]
- SO ONCE THE ALBUM'S OVER,
HE'S GOT TO RUN BACK IN THERE.
- OH, THAT'S FUNNY. - PUT ANOTHER RECORD ON.
- YOU'RE LISTENING TO WRUK.
RIGHT NOW THE 25TH CALLER'S GONNA WIN TICKETS
TO SEE THE RAMONES
AND HELP ME DECIDE WHAT TO TATTOO
ON THIS HOT MALE STRIPPER.
- AND GET THIS: $25 HE CHARGED ME FOR IT.
[laughs]
IT GETS WORSE.
[laughter]
MY LOVELY WIFE, BEFORE I HAD MARRIED HER,
SHE USED TO COME TO OUR SHOW.
- RIGHT.
- SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT IS THAT PIECE OF CRAP
YOU GOT ON YOUR BACK?"
I CAN'T GET A BACK RUB ANYMORE.
SHE REFUSES--SHE'S SICK OF LOOKING AT THIS THING.
WITH OUR 25-YEAR ANNIVERSARY COMING UP,
I'D REALLY LIKE TO SURPRISE HER WITH SOMETHING.
- NORMALLY I WOULD SAY, YOU KNOW,
DON'T DO THIS FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
'CAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN PEOPLE GET A TATTOO FOR SOMEONE ELSE,
IT'S FOR THE WRONG REASON.
THIS IS A TATTOO FOR SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE RIGHT REASON.
AND YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR 25 YEARS,
YOU SELFISH SON OF A ***.
BUT NOW-- BUT NOW YOU'RE STEPPING UP
AND NOW YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING THAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW,
SO THE SURPRISE IS THERE.
WELL, I GOT-- WE GOT TO SEE THIS.
- YOU SURE YOU WANT TO STEP BACK?
- YOU WANT TO DO IT HERE?
WE CAN GO IN THE BATHROOM-- - HEY, I'M USED TO IT.
- DUDE, HE'S A STRIPPER.
- WELL, FORMER. - IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
- TRUST ME, ONCE YOU DO IT, YOU GET USED TO IT.
IT'S IN YOUR BLOOD.
- SHOULD WE GET OUR DOLLAR BILLS READY?
- YEAH, PLEASE.
- [singing rock melody]
- THERE YOU GO. THAT'S ALL IT TAKES.
[cheesy instrumental music]
♪ ♪
- [bleep] OH, MAN.
THAT'S AWFUL.
- WE JUST MET MICHAEL, A FORMER MALE STRIPER,
WHOSE $25 TATTOO LED TO 25 YEARS OF REGRET FOR HIM AND HIS WIFE.
- SHOULD WE GET OUR DOLLAR BILLS READY?
- YEAH, PLEASE.
- [bleep] OH, MAN.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S AWFUL.
- THANK YOU.
- [laughing] - MICHAEL.
- 25 YEARS.
- I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE STAYED WITH YOU WITH THAT.
- THAT'S SO BAD.
I GUESS IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A LADY'S HAND
SCRATCHING HIS BACK,
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A ZOMBIE TEARING HIS SKIN APART.
- IS THAT A CLAW? - IT'LL COME AT YOU TOO.
IT'LL COME AT YOU TOO.
- HEY!
[laughter]
- NO ONE ASKED YOU TO CREEP US OUT.
- ANY WOMAN EVER COMES UP TO ME WITH HANDS LIKE THAT,
UM, I'M GONNA GET HER SOME ARTHRITIS CREAM,
AND I'M HEADING BACK TO THE BAR.
- I'D LIKE YOU TO SEE WHAT THIS MAN GOT IN GUAM
25 YEARS AGO.
- FROM A DJ. - FROM A DJ.
- [laughing] OH, MY GOD.
- LET'S SEE WHAT A FEMALE HAND LOOKS LIKE.
- OKAY, LET ME SEE HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO GO HERE.
[laughter]
HOW DOES IT LOOK?
- THERE'S NO LAUGHING. - I'M SO SORRY.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[laughter]
- LET'S SAY THAT THAT WASN'T THERE.
WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO GIVE HER A TATTOO OF?
- SOMETHING THAT, YOU KNOW, KIND OF JOINS THE BOTH OF US.
SHE'S FROM THE PHILIPPINES.
- OH, OKAY, COOL.
- MAYBE IF IT HAS TO DO WITH SOMETHING VERY TROPICAL.
- SOMETHING ISLAND--TROP--
SEE, YOU'RE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE.
- SHE LOVES IT. THAT'S WHAT MAKES HER HAPPY.
- I LOVE THE SOUND OF THIS.
THE EASY PART IS ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN WHAT YOU HAVE.
BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF,
THE WOW FACTOR IS THERE.
WHO KNOWS, MAN.
WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL TATTOO ON YOU,
YOU KNOW, YOU DROP A FEW POUNDS,
YOU GET BACK TO YOUR DANCING WEIGHT...
[laughs]
- I HUNG UP THE G-STRING.
- OH, THANK GOD.
- IT WAS GOLD LAME, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
- I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW THAT.
- DID NOT WANT TO KNOW, BUT, YOU KNOW, HEY.
- HEY. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HOW ARE YOU, MICHAEL? GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.
THIS COULD BE THE MOST AMOUNT OF TIME
I'VE SPENT WITH A STRIPPER.
AND THAT'S SAYING A LOT.
I HAD A HORRIBLE NIGHT'S SLEEP. I DID.
KEPT THINKING ABOUT YOUR TATTOO.
- YEAH. - [laughs]
MICHAEL'S TATTOO LITERALLY SCARES ME TO DEATH.
THIS THING IS JUST AWFUL.
THE LINES ARE BOLD AND SCARRED.
THERE'S A LOT OF CHALLENGES THERE.
IT'S GONNA BE A LONG SITTING FOR HIM.
ALL RIGHT, YOU READY TO GO TO WORK?
- ALL RIGHT.
SON OF A SAILOR.
DID I FORGET TO TELL YOU I'M KIND OF A [bleep]?
- YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
- YOU'RE AN AMAZING MAN.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FLIRT WITH THE TATTOO ARTIST, RIGHT?
- OH, GOD, NO. - [laughs]
I JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR BEA TO SEE THIS THING.
- YOU SHOULD HAVE HER COME DOWN.
- YEAH, THAT'D BE GREAT, ACTUALLY.
- HE HAD TO LIE TO HER, WHICH WAS KIND OF FUNNY.
I KNOW HE FELT SO BAD ABOUT THAT.
- HEY, BEA, YOU STILL AT WORK?
- I'M JUST GETTING DONE.
- FOR ME, I WAS GETTING A LITTLE BIT OF A KICK OUT OF IT,
'CAUSE I KNEW WHAT THE PAYOFF WAS GONNA BE.
- I WANTED TO HAVE YOUR INPUT ON THIS
BEFORE I DO ANYTHING.
- OKAY. - OKAY, WE'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT.
- AND WE'RE BACK. - YOU SON OF A ***.
SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE IS SEPARATE BATHROOMS.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
- I WOULD AGREE WITH THAT.
I'M ALMOST DONE. [laughs]
I'M ACTUALLY DONE.
I'M JUST-- I'M ACTUALLY DONE.
MICHAEL'S TATTOO IS REALLY MORE FOR HIS WIFE AT THIS POINT.
- OH, MAN.
I CANNOT WAIT FOR HER TO SEE THIS.
- ULTIMATELY I WANT HER TO LOVE IT,
SINCE SHE'S THE ONE WHO HAS TO LOOK AT IT, NOT HIM.
- HELLO. - HELLO.
- YEAH, THIS IS DIRK. - HI, SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU. - HELLO, MY LOVE.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY? - GOOD.
- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT DIFFERENT IDEAS,
AND I THINK WE MIGHT BE CLOSE,
BUT I JUST WANT TO GET A LITTLE BIT OF YOUR INPUT,
BUT IT'S JUST-- IT'S A TOUGH ONE.
LET ME JUST LOOK AT IT ONE MORE TIME.
I JUST NEED TO... - LOOK AND SEE.
- YOU KNOW.
- OH, MY GOD!
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WOW.
- WE DID IT, MICHAEL.
- I LOVE IT.
AND YOU CANNOT EVEN TELL, YOU KNOW,
THE TRACE OF THE OLD UGLY TATTOO.
- IT'S GONE. THAT'S THE IDEA.
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- THAT CREEPY SCRAPING HAND ON THE BACK,
AND ALL OF THAT LINE WORK, THEY'RE GONE.
THEY'RE IN THE TIKI. THEY'RE IN THE PALM TREE.
THEY'RE IN THE TURTLE.
I'M REALLY, REALLY PROUD OF THIS ONE.
- WELL, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABE.
- THANK YOU, HONEY. - MM-HMM.
- IT'S WORTH IT. - GOOD.
GOOD. I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.
- I LOVE IT.