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(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(CHUCKLING)
-(DAWN TALKING INDISTINCTLY) -It's 9:50, you know that?
-Pardon? -It's 9:50.
-Well, I can't speak... Here he is. -Hiya.
Hiya. Nice jacket.
-Whatever. -Looks a bit like mine.
-What make's yours? -Armani.
-Expensive. -And yours?
Sergio Georgini.
Isn't it...
New shoes as well.
Quite a heel on them.
-We still on for 10:00? -Yup.
People see me and see the suit
and they go, you're not fooling anyone.
They know I'm rock'n'roll through and through.
But you know that old thing, "Live fast, die young"?
Not my way.
Live fast, sure. Live too bloody fast sometimes.
But, uh, die young?
Die old.
That's the way.
I'm not orthodox, you know. I don't live by "The rules", you know.
If there's one other person who's influenced me in that way of thinking,
someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system,
then it's Ian Botham.
Because Beefy will happily say,
"That's what I think of your selection policy." Yeah?
"Yes, I've hit the odd copper, yes, I've enjoyed the odd doobie.
"But will you *** off and leave me alone?
"I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics."
You been, uh, reorganising stuff out there?
-Uh, just been... -Just looks a bit chaotic, that's all.
-Assimilating. -Re-assimilating. And, uh...
Re-assimilating what?
-Just taking on people and putting them into... -Into lots?
-Yeah. Just categorising. -(CLEARS THROAT)
Not in any sort of like, you know, "Label me",
but, uh, just, you know, "That's your vibe. That's your vibe."
-Hmm-mmm. -You know.
-(LAUGHING) -What's in here, then? Let's have a look.
-Oh, my God. A leather basque! -ALL: Oh!
-Fantastic. -WOMAN: Ooh!
I've always wanted one of these, actually. Leather Basque.
-Cheers, guys. Thank you. -(WOMAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-(ALL LAUGHING) -WOMAN: Fantastic!
(ALL COMMENTING INDISTINCTLY) (LAUGHING)
You should try it on, try on properly.
In case you have to take it back.
-Try it on without that stuff underneath. -It fits!
-Lovely. -Happy birthday.
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-Oh, my God! It's disgusting. -MAN: Even I'm shocked.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You dirty males! Does it work?
One size fits all. (LAUGHS)
Can I just... Sorry. Can I just...
Look at the face. Look at the face.
-Gareth, look at the face. -Ugh!
I can't believe you're touching that.
-Why? Look at this. -It's disgusting.
You don't know where that's been, mate.
Well, I do know where. It's been in the box, Gareth.
No, I mean at the factory. You don't know what goes on...
The factory. Your amazing mind again.
In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers.
So, don't know what's...
Thank you, everybody, for my lovely presents.
-They're malleable... -Hmm-mmm.
And you know, that's what I like, really.
I don't like people coming in with, uh,
"Or we do it this way or we do it that way."
I just want to go,
"Do it this way if you like.
"If you don't..."
Team playing. I call it "Team individuality".
It's a new... It's like a management style.
-Again, guilty, unorthodox. Sue me. -It's not you...
-But you know, nothing ever changes... -(CLEARS THROAT)
...by staying the same.
Quite literally.
Hi, guys.
-Hello. -Hi.
-You like that, don't you? -What?
Is that because it looks like yours?
Yeah. It's identical, sort of.
Well, mine's not that size, it's very, very tiny, but it is made of plastic.
Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic. (CHUCKLING)
-I dare you to go put it in Brent's office. -(CHUCKLES)
-Why? -It's a dare.
Yeah, I know. But he's having a meeting with Neil, I can't...
Yeah, well, it's kind of a challenge, mate.
And why would I do that?
'Cause it would make me laugh.
-I'll do it. -No, I'll do it. It's all right.
Look, all you gotta do is just, you know,
go in there and hide it in there somewhere, that's all.
-Just hide it? Simple. -Yeah.
It couldn't be easier.
Straightforward.
(GIGGLING)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Come in.
I'm sorry to interrupt. Um, I just wondered if...
That's embarrassing. I've completely forgotten what I came here for.
-Oh, that's all right. -I'm sorry. Um...
-Go on. -Come on, come on, Tim.
-Get it back. No! -Too many late nights.
-No, sorry. It's totally gone. -Don't worry about it.
-I'm holding your folder. Sorry. -It's fine.
Um, I just... No, it's gone. BSE. No more beef.
As you're here, um... There's something you can do for me.
-My lot haven't even been down to the warehouse here. -Okay.
-Um, it'd be... Would you mind taking them down? -Not at all.
-There's not a lot to see. -Well, you know,
in one organisation, I think it could be a good idea
for everyone to know everyone else.
If you just tell Glynn I said it's okay.
(STAMMERING) Tell Taffy
that I said it was okay and that Neil agrees with me.
Okay. Cool.
-That's great. Thanks, Tim. -All right.
-I'm sorry. That was brilliant. -That was absolutely...
-Did you see where it went? Went under the folder. -(GIGGLES)
-Gareth, out of 10? -Give it a three.
-Three? -Three?
Yeah, I just wanted to make an enquiry about the order.
You can't beat a bit of bully!
Bulls-eye. Here they are. Likely lads.
-Hi. -New shoes?
-Fashion. -Do you want a go?
Yeah.
Up to the oche. Let Tony look after you.
-(ALL LAUGH) -Oh, dear.
Nothing in this game for two in a bed.
(CLATTERING)
*** flights on those, are they? No wonder.
Oh, a bit fuddy-duddy, darts, for a couple of young lads?
-Not young. 29. -Ooh. Over the hill.
How old would you say I was, if you didn't know me?
-40? -No. How old do you think I look?
No, um...
-39. -Most people think I look about 30. So...
-Definitely not. -Oh, you're calling them liars?
Maybe... What do you think?
-Well, between 30 and 40. -Yes.
More honest.
(MOTOR WHIRRS)
Okay. Uh, now guys, we're about to enter a warehouse environment.
Now, I must warn you, some of the people here will be working-class.
-(LAUGHING) -There may be ***-cleavage, so...
-Ooh! -Just, uh, find a partner.
Uh, hold hands. Don't talk to anyone, though. Okay?
Are you cheering? All right. Okay. Let's go.
(LAUGHING)
(MOTOR WHIRRING)
(CLEARS THROAT) Here's the hub of the operation.
-Hi. -Working hard as usual.
All right?
-The stripper's arrived. -(ALL LAUGHING)
I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give you five minutes, but no touching.
I always knew you were bent.
Mate, don't worry. She'll get the old knookers out for a tenner.
-*** off. -(MEN LAUGHING)
What?
Oi, lend us a tenner! (LAUGHS)
You won't see them tonight.
That's all right. I've got cable.
Okay, um...
I'm gonna show you this aisle first.
-Bender! -(MEN TITTERING)
No!
Get lost, you cheeky ***.
(SNORTS) No!
-David. This is Ray and Jude. -Yeah?
Um, Ray and Jude... Sorry. Forgotten where you're from.
Uh, from Cooper & Webb consultants.
Who's Cooper and who's Webb?
Neither of us.
I bet you get that all the time, do you?
No.
Um, anyway, uh...
First things first. Any more mail?
"Mr D. Brent." That's me.
(SNAPS) Come through.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh...
Must just...
Uh, always...
Shoot.
-Well, uh, are you aware of what we do? -No.
Basically, uh, we organise training days for corporations and individuals
who pay to get an advantage in business.
Um, but it's not just telling them boring facts.
We also have business experts who train them how to act,
how to walk into a room and say, "I'm the guy you gotta do business with."
Okay. I'm gonna stop you there.
I really don't need anything like that.
I do all my own in-house training.
Sorry. No, no, sorry.
Uh, we're not trying to get your business.
We very much like you to be one of our experts.
Mmm. Good choice.
Why did you dudes swing by here in the first place?
Well we'd heard a lot of good things about Wernham Hogg.
We also got your name from a guy we work with called Andy Hitchcock.
Oh, God.
Oh, that Cockles. Cocky. The Big ***.
Uh, next time you're talking to him,
just ask him if he got the grass stains out of his trousers.
Not in front of his wife, 'cause...
'Cause... Was...
What sort of tip would you want me on first?
We're looking for people who are dynamic,
but who are also good communicators.
-Sure. -It's a corporate message, but...
Obviously, we're after people who can communicate with young people, uh, 20-somethings.
-You don't see heels like those much nowadays. -You can still find them.
Um...
-What sort of bunse are we looking at? -Sorry?
-Um, well, to start with... -Bunsen burner.
Bunsen burner, nice little earner. Hence the...
Bunse.
Uh, well, to begin with we'd put you on about £300.
£300? Just for an hour's work?
Well, no. You'd only talk for about 15 minutes.
(LAUGHS) Fifteen minutes! That's...
That's £1,200 an hour pro rata.
That's the sort of fee I'd be looking at for this, so, you know... Yeah.
-When would you want to do it? -Well, soon.
Count me in. Thank you.
Sorry, do you have a diary? We could make some dates now.
Absolutement. Uh, what's that?
-It's a ***. -Is it yours?
-No! -No. No. Wow. I don't know... Sorry.
This is an example of problems. Let's have a look.
Okay, everybody.
What am I doing in there with a ***?
She says it's not hers and I for one believe her. So whose is it?
Right. What's it doing in there?
It was a birthday present, um, but I don't know what it's doing in there.
Okay. So, good harmless fun. But, you know...
Is it today your birthday? Many happy returns.
But, what have we learnt from this?
Not to leave your *** lying around?
Don't let it out of your sight because it can wind up anywhere.
-(BUZZING) -Oh. What's that?
Just...
Sorry. How do you...
Oh, it's worse. Now, what do you do when that happens?
Well, you probably like...
Just can you get that, make sure that gets back to...
-Can we put some dates in? -Yeah, sure. We're actually in the middle of something.
So and that...
(ALL MUMBLING)
-You've got to smuggle this somewhere about your person. -(LAUGHS)
I'm not saying anything about...
Well, tell me about you first.
If you want to see bravery, come to me. I'll do a dare.
-Bravery? Oh, yeah. -Yeah, come on.
Okay, okay. You know what? Okay.
I'm gonna phone... No.
I'm going to write things for you to say. Now come here.
And then I'm gonna phone David and I want you to say exactly what I write down, okay?
-No way. You'll make me sound like a bender. -(DIAL TONE)
No, look. I swear I won't.
-No way, no. -It'll just be...
It'll just be funny things. It'll come out cute.
I'm not. I'm not gonna say anything that makes me sound like a bender.
-DAVID: Hello? -Hi, it's Gareth.
Hiya. I'm in a meeting at the moment, Gareth.
Yeah. Um, just gonna say a few things.
All right.
You're... You're doing a great job.
Okay.
Just an employee saying what a superb job I'm doing. Is that it?
No. I like your little beard.
Okay. Is that it?
(STAMMERING) One more thing.
-What? -Um...
You should wear tighter trousers.
-Can I give you a call back? -Yeah. Bye.
-That was genius! Genius. Genius. -GARETH: Thank you.
Brilliant.
We have a website with profiles of all our speakers on them.
-Would you mind answering a few questions? -No. Go for it.
Okay.
If you could have a working lunch with anyone,
living or dead, who would it be?
Martin Luther King
and the Dalai Lama.
And Rory Bremner.
Just, uh, 'cause they could get a bit heavy, couldn't they, the two of them?
And he'd lighten things up.
Probably do impressions of them. And me. (LAUGHS)
What's your biggest disappointment?
-Alton Towers. -Oh.
-I've never been. -It's rubbish. Next.
-Hello. -Hiya.
Still doing practical jokes?
I'm trying to do some work now. Should be giving them a rest.
-Ooh! I've got some. -Have you?
-Yeah. -What you got?
Oh...
I used to do loads... What were they?
Ah, you know. We can... We can think of some.
We can... Yeah, absolutely.
-Some new ones. -Yeah, okay.
-Let's think of some good ones. -For...
-For... Hmm. What about Gareth? -Hmm.
It's about time he had some tricks played on him, I think.
What would your motto be?
(WHISPERS) My motto be.
Well, I've noticed that some bosses are intimidated
by training their staff up too well.
They don't... I don't mind it. I actually like my staff to be better than me.
That way, you know, keeps me on my toes. So my motto would be,
be careful 'cause there's always someone ready to step into your shoes
and do your job better...
than...you...do it.
Heh, heh.
-I'm gluing the phone. -(CHUCKLING)
-In the name of fun. -He will hate you.
(ALL CHEERING)
-What's in it, do you know? -It's, uh...
-What's this? -WOMAN: You cooked it.
Sorry, it's just, uh, little birthday bash for Trudy. It's her birthday.
Who organised this?
I did.
Bit over the top, isn't it?
-How much did that cost you? We paying you too much? -I made it myself.
-Made it yourself? -Every year he does it.
Oh. Bit sweet, innit? Too rich.
That's really nice.
You ought to taste the lemon drizzle cake, it's even better.
(LAUGHS)
I prefer a flan.
Whoo!
(LAUGHTER)
-(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) -She's a prude, but...
-No, she's not. -She is.
What, for real? Really?
I'll be 40? (LAUGHS)
It's true. It's true. I mean, every time that does happen...
So, what, are you in a meeting?
(STAMMERING) I've just had an interesting meeting.
See those two people over there? They're business people.
And, uh, they're quite important, actually.
And they got a business and they, uh,
they arrange sort of seminars, management training seminars
where they get expert speakers to come and try to sort of...
John Harvey-Jones type figures.
They've asked me.
So... Yeah.
Uh, it's perfect for me, though, 'cause not only
do I know about that sort of stuff, I've got a sort of natural authority with people,
but, um, I'm an all-round entertainer, so they, you know...
Those qualities. Keep it under your hat. Okay?
See those two business people over there?
(PHONE RINGS)
-Is that you? -Yeah.
-You're funny. Could have had my eye out. -(LAUGHS)
-Hello. Gareth Keenan. -***!
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, glorious! Did you see that? He still picked it up.
-Was that you? (LAUGHS) -We glued it.
Was that... (LAUGHS)
Was that like superglue? Oh, my God.
-(WOMAN TALKS INDISTINCTLY) -Oh. Yes.
All right. Obviously, it wouldn't take very much of your time. Just...
I really appreciate your interest, but I'm just so busy at the moment...
What are we talking about? What are we talking about?
Uh, we're just trying to involve this chap in motivation.
-Oh, after you've asked me. It's a bit rude, innit? -A bit rude?
Oh, no. We'd use both of you for different seminars.
-I can do them both. -I can't, yeah.
-Anyway. -I can't do it anyway.
-Can I have your card anyway, just in case? -No point. Is there?
We thought we might be able to persuade you.
Well, he said no once. If he goes back on it, he's weak. Innit?
So...
Well, anyway, we ought to be going.
Yeah. Leave it as it was. Yeah, as agreed.
-Okay. -We'll be in touch.
-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you. Bye.
-Oh. So you're definitely not doing it, you said. So... -(CLEARS THROAT)
I thought you were trying to worm your way in.
-No. I'm not interested. -Why? Beneath you, is it?
No. I just don't think you can teach people that sort of thing.
-Either you can do it or you can't. -Well...
-Depends who the guru is. So... -Yeah.
-Beware of false prophets. (LAUGHS) -No.
That's my point. Innit? It's not all about profits. So...
-I meant prophets, as in... -I meant, I meant. If only, if only.
If only me auntie had ***, she'd be me uncle.
(MAN LAUGHING)
Every time in one.
-Okay Top Trumps. -Top Trumps.
-Pop stars? -I'm in. Pop stars.
-Right. Do you know how to play? -Yeah...
No. I don't talk about my love life
for a very good reason.
And that reason is, I don't have one. Um...
Which is good news for the ladies, I suppose. I am still available.
Uh, I'm a heck of a catch. 'Cause... Let's look at it...
I live in Slough, in a lovely house...
With my parents. (CHUCKLES)
I have my own room, which I've had since, yeah, since I was born.
Um... That's seen a lot of action, I tell you.
Mainly dusting. But, uh...
I went to university for a year as well,
before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter.
Uh, so, yeah, form an orderly queue, ladies.
Look at him though.
It... Right. I've been on safari
-and I've never seen anything like that. -(LAUGHS)
That's preposterous.
-I've got 94. I have got 94! -(WOMAN LAUGHING)
No. I do.
-Well, I've been known to do that. -(LAUGHING)
-Are you complaining? -No, I'm not complaining.
Number of haircuts. Is that a valid thing?
-One. -Are you getting mullered?
-Not really. -Right. You've spilt some on your...
-Yeah, I know I have. -Right.
-Shall we carry on with the game, please? -I want to carry on.
-I wish you would. -(LAUGHS)
Shh... Can I have a sh... Pop act?
But if they wanna pay me that for...
For 15 minutes work, that is their...
-(MOBILE RINGS) -Oh, sorry...
Chris Finch. (CHUCKLES)
Finchy! All right? Go on.
What's the difference between a fox and a dog? Go on.
About eight pints of lager.
It's party time here, mate. You coming in?
-Why not? -'Cause I'm already here, you fat ***!
Hey, Finchy. Chris Finchy. Here he is.
Neil, my very good friend, Chris Finch.
I know Chris. Nicks all my jokes.
I do not nick 'em, I borrow 'em.
Uh, has that uh, that Lisa moved up here?
No, no, no. She left. She's looking for a job.
-Well, if it's a ***, I can help her. -(CACKLING)
Not that desperate for money.
-Tell her I'll take her up the dole office! -Dole orifice!
-Rubbish. That's better. -Well, I've got a vacancy she can fill!
His work. Don't try and...
(CACKLING)
-What are you like? -Another one.
Once a year, kid.
-Cheers, cheers, cheers to me, yet again. -Cheers.
If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me.
I've got about five different sets.
Don't try to beat me on Monster Trucks, though. 'Cause you won't.
My specialty.
-Yeah, well, 's a game of chance, though, innit? So... -No. It's not.
I would know what cards you got immediately just through which cards I got.
I used to play it, just by myself with a dummy hand,
for just testing out every different scenario,
which cards beat which other cards, for hours sometimes.
Three or four hours at a time, but put in the work, the rewards are obvious.
So I know exactly what cards you've got in your hand
from what cards I got, and I would know probability-wise
exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat statistically any card
that you could have in your hand at that precise moment.
You will never win.
It'd still be fun, though.
Do you know what I'm getting for... What they're paying me for this?
-No. -Right.
Fifteen minutes work, yeah? 300 quid.
-1,200 quid an hour. -So... You do the math.
-Yeah. It'd be 1,200 quid an hour. -So, that's the sort of...
-Can I have a birthday kiss, please? -You certainly can!
-All right. No tongues. -Oh.
Oh, that's good, isn't it?
Didn't ask me out of respect. Knows I'd say no.
Didn't cross a boundary and that's... That's, you know... Good girl!
-Go on. No. -(ALL LAUGHING)
It is a good idea. I always do it from behind if I don't like their face.
Cheeky ***! You like my face, don't you, love?
I love your face. I think you're beautiful.
Yeah, well, you can still do me from behind, then.
Ooh! I'll bear it in mind, then. (LAUGHS)
I'll, uh, I'll do you from behind if you want.
It's just a quick in-and-out, no strings attached.
That's really sweet.
Why don't you put that in an email to me?
All right.
# One kiss, two kiss, three kiss, four kiss
-# Five kiss, seven kiss, eight kiss, more # -Yeah, thank you. Thank you.
Birthday girl.
-Hello. -Oh. Hello.
-Oh, you all right? -Mmm-hmm.
-Good. -Yeah?
-Mmm. -I'm just gonna have a quick word.
See, I know it's your birthday and you're... You're flirting with everyone.
You're mucking around, you know.
I know you wouldn't take any further...
-Oh, I would! Yeah. -Wow.
Why not? You know, it's all equal.
-No, I'm just having a laugh, aren't I? -No, you are...
It's just that I don't know what you're after.
A man! Hung like a shire horse.
-Oh. -(LAUGHS)
Aren't they big magnificent animals?
-You say what you mean, don't you? -Mmm-hmm.
I'm just not sure you're going to find what you're after in here.
See, I'd ask you, but you're a bit old, really.
In my 30s. Give me a break.
-Born in the '30s. -(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm 30-something. (STAMMERING) I'm 30s.
Yeah, but you've let yourself go a bit, didn't you?
-I've let myself go a bit? Look at yourself. -Yeah.
You're an embarrassment, love. To be honest.
-Bull rags? -What?
-I thought you said bull rags. -No. No. Raw eggs.
If you keep on eating raw eggs, it makes you randy,
but at the same time, you know, it allows you to do as many reps as you want.
-So, uh, how's the old car business? -All right.
-Who's this? -That's The Corrs, innit?
Oh, yeah. I like The Corrs. Done some good tunes.
-Yeah. Didn't write that one, though. -(CLEARS THROAT)
-No? Who's that? -No.
-Don't you know? -No.
Oh, not into pop music, I suppose?
Well, I prefer R&B, really. So who wrote... So who wrote that?
Fleetwood Mac. And I prefer their version as well.
Well, uh, I know who I'd rather wake up with!
Oh, sexist, Neil.
They can play my instrument any day.
Oh, ***. I don't think you pull women like the Corrs with that sort of attitude.
-Yeah, 'cause you'd know. -(LAUGHING)
Wow. Wow. I don't know, you're laughing?
Because I'm a dark horse. So you don't, you don't...
Yeah. Like you could get anyone like The Corrs.
Yeah, well, I...
Just 'cause I don't kiss and tell doesn't mean I don't get...
You don't normally kiss, so you got nothing to tell.
-He'd end up with the brother. -(ALL LAUGHING)
No, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't.
I'd push the brother out the room,
I'd get the other three and I'd bend them all over,
and I'd do the drummer, the lead singer, and that one who plays violin.
Oh, see?
Your... Your fault. Putting filth in people's minds.
# So what becomes of you, my love
# When they have finally stripped you of
# The handbags and the gladrags
# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy #
(MOANING)
(GRUNTING)
-My knees hurt. -Nearly done.