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How to Evade Your Taxes. If you agree with the late Leona Helmsley that taxes are just
for the “little people,” you’ve come to the right place. You will need Audacity
and a good lawyer if you’re caught. Step 1. Declare yourself a cleric and start a religion—the
clergy is exempt from paying taxes. Hey, if a science fiction writer did it, so can you!
Step 2. Become a celebrity—everyone knows they don’t handle their own finances. That
way, if you’re caught, you can just blame it on your manager or accountant. This tip
might be coming too late, but if you never, ever file a tax return, you might be able
to fly under the IRS radar. Step 3. Find and invest your money in an abusive tax shelter.
If caught, pretend you thought the business was legit. Step 4. Stash your money in foreign
bank accounts where you won’t be required to pay U.S. tax—the Cayman Islands, for
example. Step 5. Find off-the-books employment where you are paid in cold, hard cash. So
much less paperwork this way, for both you and your employer! Step 6. Become self-employed,
and then find so many business expenses and declare so little income that you don’t
owe any taxes. You can pull this stunt two out of five years before the IRS declares
your “business” a “hobby.” Step 7. Claim so many dependents that you make Mother
Goose look like an amateur. Claim a charitable donation to an anti-birth control organization
to make all those little exemptions look believable. Step 8. Move abroad to take advantage of the
foreign earned income exclusion, which allows you to exclude income earned for personal
services performed in a foreign country. Switzerland is a lovely, neutral country. Did you know
You don’t automatically get sent to jail for not paying your taxes unless your evasion
involves massive fraud or is on a large scale.