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No.
- But--
- Absolutely not, Charlie.
- Yeah, I get it--
- No means no, you know?
I'm just asking you to put
in a semi-decent word for me.
There'll be no
putting of any kind.
And I am kindly asking you
not to take this meeting.
But it's on the books.
- Well, then cancel that ***.
- That's absurd!
Why? You have no
problem canceling on me
when you got to go get one
of your *** boils lanced.
That was twice.
And it's different.
I'm not worried about
impressing you anymore.
Exactly. That's what
happens in a relationship.
You stop caring.
Next thing you know,
the sex is sporadic,
The blow jobs biannual,
and assplay is out of the question.
Hey, when it comes
to me and you Hank,
assplay is never out
of the question.
Oh, eat a ***, Charlie--
preferably Stu's,
with mustard and ketchup on it,
maybe some with Marcy, too.
This kid is blowing up!
Eddie Nero wants to
star in his movie.
In about five minutes,
Tyler's going to be the hottest
screenwriter in the business.
Someone has to represent him.
Why not me?
Because you're my
*** agent, Charlie.
I could lose my job.
You already masturbated
yourself out of a job.
And guess what. You bounced back.
You landed on your webbed feet.
If you can make it
through that ***,
you can make it through anything.
This is *** ***!
No. I will tell you what's
*** ***, Charlie,
is why I have to explain
to my agent and friend
of way too many years why
it's absurdly inappropriate
to represent my daughter's
boyfriend as a client.
No, I-I get what you're saying.
but
why is it inappropriate exactly?
Because it offends me
on a deeply personal level.
Can you grasp that, Sammy Glick?
I guess so.
Good. Now give me
a hug and a kiss.
It's my first day of work,
and I'm running late.
Oh, ***. That's right. I forgot.
Wait. You forgot?
You're my agent.
You're the Samurai's agent.
You're Stu's agent,
and yet you forgot
that today is the first day of
shooting of Santa Monica cop.
This is why people don't
like you, Charlie.
Who doesn't like me?
People.
People love me.
You're gonna need a bigger gun.
Nah, man. That ***
ain't working, man.
Cut. It's not working.
It's not working.
Hank, it's not working.
Take that, watermelon!
Oh, I-I'm sorry.
It turns out I am
quite the fruit ninja.
It's *** ***.
The line's not working, Moody.
I told you it was stupid.
You can't just rip off one the
classic movie lines of all time.
But it sounded badass
at the time, huh?
Yeah, because we were really
high and watching Jaws.
I ain't feeling that
*** no more, though.
Give him something else, Hank.
Sure, let me reach into my
grab bag of classic movie lines.
Oh, nothing there. Hold on.
Let me check up my ***.
What the *** we paying him for?
His snappy *** dialogue.
Sorkin passed, but he's a fan.
Really? That's awesome.
It ain't just the
*** line, man.
It's the whole *** scene, man.
That *** is weak.
I don't even know
what I want anymore.
Well, you want the girl.
Who wouldn't want that girl?
What's up, babe?
I would just kill the
***, wouldn't i?
Well, he's your partner, Sam.
Yeah, but he *** my girl.
But you like him.
And he makes you laugh.
Let me tell you something, man.
- Oh, whoa, whoa!
- Whoever *** my girl--
brother's going to
be sucking on this.
You know, I think
this is brilliant, Sam.
But the studio-
they're not going to want you
killing your best
friend and partner.
They feel that that's
the kind of thing
that makes you really
*** unlikable.
I told you, Stu, right?
Don't use that ***
word around me, man.
"Unlikable"? I hate that ***.
Boo-yah. Using the
word "unlikable"
actually makes the user
unlikable. ***-***.
With all due respect,
Hank, shut the *** up.
You know what?
Y'all ***
figure this *** out.
Me and my boys are gonna
go smoke some *** weed,
get my head straight,
a'ight? - A'ight.
I'll be in the *** room, man.
- So you know what to do?
- Uh, no.
Just rewrite the *** scene,
move some *** around,
write a better kill zinger.
And if I can't?
Well, I could throw a rock
and find another writer
willing to replace you
for half the money the
studio's paying you, Hank.
I'll see what I can do.
What's wrong, Charlie?
Nothing. Not a thing.
I'm getting my ***
sucked on a beautiful day
by an even more beautiful girl-
what could possibly be wrong?
Well, there's something very
wrong with your *** right now.
There are a great
many things wrong
with my ***, dear Lizzie.
No, you're just not responding
the way you normally do.
I think I'm pretty hard.
Usually, you're forged of iron.
I guess I'm a little perturbed
by this whole Hank and Tyler thing.
What is a sleazeball agent to do?
Well, I told you what I think.
I know.
Some things are just
business, Charlie,
and should be handled
as such. - I know.
But I've never seen him so
adamant about something.
He's my best friend.
Well, do you think you
could service them both
without conflict? - Absolutely
I think.
Personally, I don't think it's
fair to ask a thing like that.
It's very self-serving.
I agree.
Mm-hmm.
I think you're just going
to have to go with your gut
on this one, Charlie.
- Go with gut.
- Mm-hmm.
Got it.
Oh, um
have you had a chance
to talk to Stuart
about Santa Monica cop--
if there's a part
that I could read for?
You know, something small,
of course.
No, but I will.
You promise?
I promise.
Hold on.
*** it. Come on in.
How's it coming, Hank?
Just one of those days, Stu.
***'s not flowing. - Copy that.
You've got to let the cash
be your laxative, Hank.
Hey, that's a
pretty good line, Stu.
I'm sorry I can't use it
in your big, *** movie.
Well, you got 15 minutes, Hank.
My big, *** movie
is losing the light.
Come in.
Can you do me a huge favor?
- What's that?
- Save my career.
I'm sorry.
You must have me confused.
I-I'm just the writer.
And I'm just the girl.
Well, at least you're the girl.
You're not just a girl.
I'm window dressing.
I'm here to smile,
give teenage boys
something to jerk off to,
and get sexually
harassed by the director.
He is kind of a smarmy
little ***, isn't he?
My character needs
to grow some balls.
She's basically just a
dial tone with ***.
I'll get right on that.
- I'll show them to you.
- Your ***?
I don't want to see
your ***. - Really?
Well, that's not completely true,
but you don't have
to show them to me.
I mean, I may be a
schmuck with an underwood
but I'm not a ***
*** merchant.
Look, I know my
*** got me this job,
but I'm actually a serious actress.
I went to Juilliard.
I'm a *** theater geek.
I love words. Dialogue
is like music to me.
Whatever you write,
I will make it sing.
Help me, Hank.
You're my only hope.
All right, you're cool,
you're smart,
and you're appealing to
my subversive nobility.
Plus, it doesn't hurt that I'm
really *** high right now.
Let's see if we can't
sneak a smart, cool chick
into this piece of ***.
Oh! That feels rad.
Keep doing that.
You know, I'm getting inspired.
I feel some ballsy
banter coming on.
Oh.
If you keep pressing those
savage yabbos into my back,
I'm not going to get anything done.
Just saying.
Well, maybe one more time.
Then we'll get started.
Why'd you cancel on me, Charlie?
Well, I--you know,
I've thought about this a lot, Tyler,
and I just don't feel
it would be appropriate
to represent you while
I'm representing Hank.
And seeing as how I'm damned to
represent Hank unto eternity--
Wait, wait, wait.
You don't think it's appropriate,
or Hank doesn't think
it's appropriate?
Does it matter?
Not to me.
I've got a bunch of
meetings lined up.
But it was really cool to meet you,
though, Charlie--
kind of a dream come true.
Why is that?
Well, 'cause you're
Hank Moody's agent.
Who wouldn't want to be represented
by Hank Moody's agent?
From where I'm sitting,
that'd be the coolest
*** thing ever.
Who else are you meeting with?
All the majors.
There's this guy at C.A.A.
He's got this little black
book full of ***.
He offered to hook me up gratis.
Can you match that?
I'd love to, Tyler,
but they watch me like a hawk here.
I so much as look at a naked
picture on the internet,
and H.R. swoops in,
and an alarm goes off.
It's *** terrifying.
Totally.
Well, if this isn't going further,
then I might as well take off.
What do you say you and
me get the hell out of here,
we go get a drink someplace?
I could give you some advice
about what to watch
out for out there.
Sure, I could drink.
This is really good, Hank.
thank you.
I feel like I'm in this
movie all of a sudden.
My pleasure. I hope it helps.
Good luck with all the
dress-up and the make-believe.
Seeing how good this is makes
me think of all the other scenes
we could dig into together.
Whoa, slow down there.
I'm here mainly to burnish
the Samurai's banter.
Can I show you my ***?
I told you, you don't have to
necessarily.
I'm doing my first
nude scene this week,
and I'm a little
insecure about the girls.
I'm sure the girls are fine
doesn't even begin to cover it.
You are going to enchant
an entire generation
of teenage boys with
those pound puppies.
That's, like, the perfect
reaction--thank you.
And nab yourself a mr.
skin award in the bargain.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Thank you.
No, I mean
thank you, Hank
for everything.
You're very welcome.
Mmm. Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Gosh, we have some
excellent manners.
This is like some serious
merchant ivory *** here.
I guess I'm just a firm believer
in repaying favors.
Oh.
Hey, did you hear the one
about the polish actress
that came to Hollywood
and blew the writer?
Just kidding. Keep going.
Okay, where are
the *** pages?
Holy *** ***! - Oh, my word.
Who the *** do you
think you are, Moody?
Don't shoot me.
I'm only the piano player.
I cast her, you *** prick.
I've had my eye on
her this whole time!
Her *** is mine!
How's that working out for you?
I want him fired.
You're going to have to run that
past the Samurai.
I can't do that.
The guys scares the *** out of me.
Hey, how about defending me, Stu?
I wasn't the one who got caught
with his prick in a
young lady's mouth.
Oh, well, excuse me
for accepting a ***
in exchange for an
honest 15 minutes' work.
That woman is a legitimate actress.
She can blow whoever she wants.
My movie is going to ***.
Are you crying?
No, I'm just--
there is no crying in
tent-pole filmmaking!
You *** Mary.
Go get some *** pamprin.
Go on! Go on!
Go on! Go on!
Get your *** together, man!
These pages are really good, Hank.
Totally deserved the b.j.
I know, right?
So do you have any idea
what you want to do next?
Oh, yeah,
i've got a bunch of ideas.
I actually, um, pitched
some over to the W.B. guys,
and they pretty much
*** their pants.
Yeah, that's a
problem over there.
They said that they
could put me in a room
with studio heads, and I could
sell my ideas immediately.
- Really? That's-
-that's great, Tyler.
I think I'll be fine.
- Yeah, you-
- you're going to do great.
It was really cool of Hank
to give me a leg up like this.
You know, I'm actually
kind of surprised
he's so against you
representing me.
It's a conflict.
You'd be going up on a
lot of the same jobs.
No, I get it.
Man, it'd be cool if we could do
something together,
though, you know?
That would be cool.
That would be a big deal.
- I got this one idea where--
- You know what?
Let's do this!
What?
I want to do this.
I want to work with you.
You don't worry.
I will smooth it over with Hank.
- What, you want to sign me now?
- Yes. Yes, I do.
I'm going with my gut on this one.
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
What happened to the "working
with Hank Moody's agent,
that would be, like,
the coolest thing"?
Well, I don't know--I mean,
I've got all these agents
who are genuinely excited about
being in business with me.
I wouldn't want to be, you know,
twisting your arm or anything.
You're not twisting my arm,
not at all.
Kid, I want to work with you.
Let's do this!
Something feels weird.
You want me to set
you up with a ***?
I can do that-- done!
No, I don't want you to
set me up with a ***.
I have a girlfriend.
Becca? - Becca.
The daughter of your best
friend and star client.
Right. Great girl.
You're weird, dude.
Yes. Yes, I am.
I'm also a *** shark,
and I will slay dragons for you.
well
those are all very
generically passionate words.
but
I think I need to see some
of this passion in action.
anything.
you name it, I will do it.
do you see that guy in there?
sure. how could I miss him?
go up to him
and tell him
that you want to suck his ***
What?
and finger his ***.
You're kidding me, right?
y-you're kidding.
no?
I've got that meeting at i.c.m.
I should probably get going.
What's up, sam?
they're kind of waiting
for you down on set.
did you not like the
new pages or something?
- pages is good.
- Oh, that's great. good.
I aim to please. that's awesome.
I don't like being
embarrassed, man.
embarrassed? really?
is this about--oh, is this about
the girl and the ***?
I mean, that's just one of
those crazy *** things.
she literally fell into my lap.
you know, i-i couldn't say no.
could have thought about
me and our friendship.
Well, as she released my ***
from the crowded confines
of my pantaloons,
thoughts of you were
nowhere near my mind,
which I think is
probably a good thing.
do you value our
friendship, Moody?
yes, i've grown
quite fond of you, broheim.
same here, ***.
that's why I'm really going
to hate to do this to you.
come on, Sam.
this is a bit of a
hip-hop cliche, isn't it?
cliches are cliches
for a reason, man--
because they *** work!
You don't want to do this,
not over a silly ***.
[indistinct chatter, [camera shutters
clicking] [indistinct chatter,
You know what? I don't.
but what choice do I have, man?
you disrespect me in
my *** workplace?
What are you talking about?
do you even like this girl?
I don't even know
that ***'s name, man.
that ain't the point here.
the point is, I'm number one
on that *** call sheet!
I can't have the whole cast and
crew of a major motion picture
whispering how my court jester
screwed the baddest
*** on the set!
- is that all I am to you-
- a court jester?
Yeah, what, ***? you funny,
man. you amuse me.
you don't see the value in that?
yo, jestering is a
noble profession, Hank.
Whatever. you going
to drop me or what?
- You learned your lesson, man?
- yes!
have you learned
your *** lesson?
do not accept free blow
jobs on the set from actresses
if you're not number one
on the call sheet--got it.
bring his *** *** up, man.
excuse me.
What up?
well
I would very much
like to
suck your ***.
What? what did he say?
i-i-I'm sorry.
I would like
to suck your ***.
What the ***?
and finger your ***.
let me get this straight.
you would like to suck my ***?
and finger your ***.
and finger my ***?
yes!
Are you *** with me?
yes! yes!
I'm sorry. it was a dare.
no disrespect intended,
none whatsoever.
it was a dare!
I swear! it was a dare!
be gentle?
- You okay?
- I suppose so.
the heart palpitations
are subsiding.
I think I may need to
wipe myself, though.
look, man, I'm really sorry, yo.
it ain't easy being the star
of this *** joint, man.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
a lot of people looking
up to me for an example.
I don't give a ***
about that ***,
but I do care about my credibility
as a major movie star.
I got to save face.
I'm sorry if I did anything
to endanger your face.
you know, pete berg dropped off
of this joint because of you
and your *** shenanigans.
what did I do? nothing.
took it like a man,
because you my boy, Moody.
I like being your boy.
are we good?
Yeah, we good, man.
but, yo, if that had been kali,
your *** *** would be a
*** stain on ocean avenue
right now. - of course.
that's another thing,
man-- the kali of it all.
this ***'s got my heart
ping-ponging back and forth,
you know what I mean? - yeah.
how much turmoil
can a brother take?
copy that. yeah. yeah.
where you want it at?
What?
- I got to hit you, man.
- why?
*** consequences, yo.
whoa, whoa, what about
dangling me over the balcony?
that felt consequential to me.
That was just to scare you, son.
Yeah, well,
it did scare me--it did.
normally, I would
pistol-whip a ***
for this kind of ***.
No, no, no. that sounds--
Yeah, that'd be too harsh, right?
Yeah, that sounds too harsh.
stop *** whining and
take your medicine, Moody.
ooh!
hey, you don't look too bad.
I thought you'd walk back in
here all bruised up and ***.
the only violence was emotional.
What did they do?
ahh.
oh, they took me out back
put me down on my knees.
the big guy took down his pants.
he took out his ***.
it was very big, Tyler.
he could have tied
it into a pretzel.
and?
He slapped me in
the face with it.
He slapped you in the
face with his ***?
shh!
yes, multiple times.
I think he left a
trail of dogwater.
wow.
jesus, um
you know, I don't think I
can be represented by a guy
who would allow himself to
be humiliated like that.
What?
I'm going to take
that meeting at i.c.m.
i'll let you know what I decide.
Oh, no, you don't!
you're signing with me,
and you're signing
with me right now!
I just went through hell and
back for you, you little ***!
you're going to sign with me,
or I'm going to have my new friends
slap you in the face
with all their dicks,
you hear me?
yeah. yeah, let's do it.
What's up, Stu?
You have no idea
what I went through
for that two seconds of oral, lady.
- oh! ow.
- sorry.
it's better if it looks like
you took advantage of me.
***!
What the ***?
Hank
I say this with the utmost respect
and fondness for you as both
an artist and a human being--
you're fired.
- What?
- You're gone.
we're bringing in another
writer for the on-set work.
sam know about this?
He knows it's the best thing.
there's always the next one, buddy.
i'll be in touch.
What the *** are you doing here?
Charlie sent me to meet with Stu.
- Charlie did?
- Yeah, I just signed with him.
You just signed with Charlie?
yeah. kind of a dream
come true, actually--
to be repped by Hank Moody's agent.
pretty *** cool
for me.
anyway, it looks like
it's already paying off.
this might be my first gig.
have fun.
This isn't going to
be weird for us, is it?
no more than usual.
- sorry, Hank.
- *** you, Charlie.
- You want to go get a drink?
- I have nothing to say to you.
- You can hit me if you want.
- I don't want to hit you.
I don't want to have anything
to do with you, all right?
come on, buddy,
don't be that way.
I am not your buddy,
and you're *** fired
as an agent and a friend.
on the house, pops.
really? right on.
it helps to have
daughters in low places.
that's for changing
my boyfriend's life.
I didn't really do anything.
He just texted me and said
you helped him get a job.
huh. well, I guess I did.
Thank you, dad.
I love you.
Oh, now you love me.
I always love you
even when I'm thoroughly
disgusted with you.
You really like this guy, huh?
I do.
not to be melodramatic or anything,
but he's the first
real love of my life.
it is what it is.
Well, the good news is
I think he feels exactly
the same way about you.
how could he not?
you are pretty stellar.
So what's the bad news?
there is none.
just be careful.
young writers on the rise
have been known to
make certain mistakes.
such as?
such as sticking their dicks
in places where kind words
and flattery come from.
- that's disgusting, dad.
- It is.
I'm sorry. I apologize.
it's just you're getting older,
and the advice-giving gets
more and more confung fe.
oh, if it isn't my favorite
friend of a friend of bill w.
- that's not funny.
- It's a little funny, mom.
You see? the little
barista says it's funny.
it must be so.
she's pleased with me today,
seeing as I changed her
boyfriend's life and all.
I know. that was
incredibly sweet of you.
jeez.
if i'd known it was this easy
to get back in your good graces,
I would have blown
Tyler a long time ago,
and we could have lived
happily ever after.
should we?
- What
- up to you.
Are you two lovelies up to?
I'm off in a few minutes.
We were going to go to the movies.
Do you want to come?
Ah, to tell you the truth,
I'm not really enamored
of the *** moving
pictures right now.
But of course.
By all means, let's
let's go to the movies.