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Previously on New Girl
We're at a wedding together.
Guys, guys, shut and
listen to me it's Cece.
She doesn't want to get married.
I'm sorry, everyone,
but I can't do this.
What I want is to be
with someone else.
Are you in love with her
or are you in love with me?
You have to decide.
We tried.
We had one night.
Okay, what happened
with Jess?
We called it.
Yeah, when things get messy
you just run away.
I know you think
we should call it.
But I don't want
to give up on this.
You know what?
I gotta say, Jess,
I really like you.
- I really, really like you.
- I really like you.
I can't believe this is happening.
- It's crazy, but it's happening.
- It's crazy.
I like you so much.
- Yeah, I like you so much.
- Like
- Yeah.
- I'm just
- What?
- I'm in.
You know?
I'm
- I'm just all in.
- I'm all in.
I'm, like, weirdly all in.
- Hey, Nick
- What?
Pull over.
Well, that was fun.
We finally broke in the Volvo.
Oh, my.
What's next?
What do we do now?
I'm really fighting the urge
to buy you a lobster dinner.
Do we just go home?
You know, I mean, just
how is it actually gonna work?
We've only been
dating for 30 minutes
and we're already living together.
What if you get tired of me,
and you have nowhere to go
because we're roommates, and
so you have to sleep in your car
Hey.
Stop.
That's not gonna happen.
I've wanted this for so long.
I don't want anything
to go wrong.
Oh, it's Schmidt.
He's freaking out about Cece.
He doesn't need to reach you
all the time.
You know what? You're right.
I'm gonna ignore it for now.
It's all about us right now.
Hmm.
It's Schmidt.
He wants to know
where you are.
He texted you to ask
where I am?
That's ugh.
He just texted
I'm a bad friend.
You know what that is?
Either male genitalia,
or a really big thumbs down.
- Why would he send me male genitalia?
- Why can't he talk to Winston?
Well, without me, they get so weird
and they fight all the time.
This is what I'm talk
How many times a day
does Schmidt text you?
I don't know, I'll just say 40.
How
See, this is what I'm talking about.
I feel like we need time alone
so we can figure out what this is.
Yes.
This is what I want.
I want to be with you alone,
without anybody else.
Just you and
Where have you been?
I'm having a major life crisis,
and you guys are, what?
Just driving around,
French-kissing each other
like a couple Dutch hookers?
What is that, Nick?
Is that a hickey?
- Disgusting!
- Hey, you guys.
Um, I've been doing
a lot of thinking.
Now, I know everyone's
going through a lot,
but I think it is time
for me to start a puzzle.
No, it isn't.
What is going on with you two?
Are you, like, a couple now?
Have you thought
any of this through?
Nick, please help me, okay?
Stop being so selfish
and just help me.
Okay, you know what?
Give me one minute,
- I'll be right inside.
- We'll be right in.
Yeah, we just got to
figure something out.
All right! Thanks, man.
- The gang's back.
- We'll be right in.
Yeah, good-bye, guys.
We love you guys.
- Run!
- Run!
Who's that girl?
Who's that girl?
It's Jess
Well, Winston,
after 25 unanswered text messages
to Nick and Jess this morning,
I finally received a response.
A smiley face.
This leaves us with one choice
- To become best friends.
- Huh? Yeah, fine.
For r? Okay, great.
Now, as my best friend,
I expect you to
be willing to sacrifice
everything for me
at a moment's notice,
including, of course,
unfortunately for you,
your dignity.
- Yeah, fine.
- Winston, what can I do for you?
Don't talk to me that much,
never lie to me,
and never,
ever touch my puzzle.
Winston, do we
do we think now
is really the right time
to be starting a puzzle?
I'm great at puzzles.
You're a born puzzler, Winston,
sure, um, but
don't you agree that sometimes,
when you start puzzles,
you get a little bit weird?
And, I don't know, intense?
Spend a lot of time humming.
Also spend a lot of time naked.
I'm gonna do you, puzzle!
Right on the table.
As nasty as you want to be.
Hey, Schmidt, what do you
think it's gonna look like?
What do I think it's
going to look like?
- Yeah, the puzzle.
- Winston, it's on the box.
The the picture's on the box.
It's a Japanese garden!
Schmidt, calm down.
What is your problem?
Two women
are in love with me.
The problem is, is I'm
in love with both of them.
Okay, looks like you're
gonna have to choose.
Cece and I,
we have this connection.
You know, it's physical
it's unhealthy.
Look, I don't want to
get too graphic with you,
but I'm not just the plug
with her.
I'm also a socket.
God okay, fine.
- Schmidt, choose Cece.
- Yeah, but
- I was dating Elizabeth first, so
- Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute Winston
I was dating Elizabeth first.
- You want to know what I think?
- No, I don't.
Done.
Decided.
Ha!
Cece, out.
I was dating Elizabeth first.
- My man! Way to talk that out.
- Yeah.
- Best friends.
- Best friends.
This is gonna work out, man.
Yeah, it's gonna work out, man.
Puzzling
Winston is about
to do some puzzling
About to get into
some puzzle troubling
So, in conclusion,
it's a you know,
it's a very difficult decision
that I've had to
that, you know,
that you guys
have put me in, here,
but I just
I'm gonna be candid.
I've been up for 24 hours.
I have to return all of these gifts.
So just say it.
You don't want to be with me.
Wh huh?
Look look at that.
I just looked down
and I thought,
"This girl must be wearing sneakers
"with shoelaces, and th-those
shoelaces must be tied together,
because this girl
is straight trippin', yo.
"
- What?
- Of course I want to be with you.
But I feel so terrible for Elizabeth.
How did she take it?
Sh She took it.
In the marketplace of ideas,
where
culture is king,
and data moves faster
than people,
where scalable opportunities
come from turnkey solutions
What are you trying to say,
Schmidt?
Is it over?
No no.
As if.
Of course I picked you.
It wasn't even close.
Come here,
you crazy white girl.
There it is.
Poor Cece.
Uh, yeah, okay.
Oh
I fell asleep.
How long have you been driving?
Those cops look like they're about 15
and they have huge guns.
Jess, are we in Mexico?
All in!
We're in Mexico!
Oh, my God, pull over!
That piñata's shaped like a monkey!
You know what?
It's gonna be weird
going back to having sex
without a bunch of feral dogs
watching.
Why am I not hungry?
I should be hungry.
Remember when we lived
in that loft,
and, like, we had
all those problems?
Yeah.
All in!
Voice mail?
Again?
Where have you been?
It's been four days, man.
Have you really been doing
it with Jess this whole time?
That's disgusting.
Nick, I did something really wrong,
and, uh
I just I need to talk to you.
I need to talk to my friend.
Come home.
Yeah, I should try him again.
Dial best friend one.
- Let's stay here.
- We're totally out of money.
- We got this great setup.
- No, this is not gonna last long.
It's not gonna last long.
It isn't.
This is a badly built shelter.
We'll go right there.
How hard could that
place be to sneak into?
You all in?
Nick, this has been fun, but
Okay, look, everything that's bad
is waiting for us back in the loft.
But here?
I'm Paradise Nick.
And Paradise Nick is mega-chill.
And you're Paradise Jess, right?
We can make food and just
- All in.
- All in.
It don't work like that.
If you uh
Hey, man, how'd she take it?
Devastated.
I'm sure
glad that's settled.
Hey, man, I'm gonna go shower.
I'm proud of you.
I know it must have been tough.
Hey, Schmidt, who do you call
if puzzle pieces are broken?
Oh.
Hey, Winston.
Is, uh, is Schmidt home?
Cece.
Oh, my goodness.
Hi.
Do you need a hug?
All right.
Is Schmidt even here, Winston?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's in the shower.
Um Cece, I just want to say,
on my end,
that I am so, so sorry.
Sorry about what?
You know, uh Elizabeth.
Well, what about Elizabeth?
He made love to her.
Winston made love to Elizabeth.
After I chose you,
Winston was all too quick,
in Elizabeth's vulnerable state,
to rush in there and
just get his jollies off.
His sweaty, disgusting jollies.
Seriously?
I mean, she must have just been
so upset and hurt
I didn't even know
you were interested in her.
Tell her what you did, Winston,
and give her the short version,
which you did not give to Elizabeth.
Wha?
What I did um
Okay, well, I drove over there
to seduce her.
And I seduced her
two and a half times.
Puzzle me this, then,
Winston
How do you live with yourself?
I have a bit of a hard time believing
that Winston would do this.
Well, then, you obviously
don't know Winston,
'cause he's a sick,
disgusting human being.
Just this morning he asked me
for a pair of your underpants.
- Winston?
- Hmm?
Is that true?
Yes.
I needed your underwear to
sew into my underwear.
Oh my
God.
That is disgusting!
You are a pervert!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Cece.
Just wait in the car.
You don't have to deal
with this disgusting
trash person, garbage child!
You're upset.
As you should be.
Oh, but that was great, man.
How long as this been
going on, man?
Four days.
Four days,
and you didn't tell me?
Come on, Schmidt!
I said, "Don't lie to me.
"
I'm sorry.
All right?
I love both of these women
and I couldn't decide.
I needed to buy some more time.
Cece thinks I'm wearing
her *** right now!
Well, that's on you, man!
You freaked out super hard!
You-you kidding me?
That's so weird.
Sewing people's ***
into underpants.
Look, we're not best friends,
Schmidt.
As a matter of fact,
we're not friends at all
until you fix this.
Okay, all right, look.
Winston, I'm sorry, man.
W-Winston, you've been
working on this puzzle
for quite some time now.
You realize a lot of those puzzle pieces
are upside down, right?
It's just they're cardboard color.
Is that an almond that you have
inserted into one of the pieces?
Are you just eating them, or
are you using them as pieces?
You know that's an almond,
right?
Schmidt, come here!
Free cocktails.
- No way!
- Yeah, fitting right in.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
Security guard.
Freeze.
Okay, don't freeze.
That looks weird.
Did he notice you?
Of course he noticed you.
You're the prettiest girl
on the damn beach.
Shut up.
We need one of
these bracelets right away, Jess.
- Bracelet.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey! Hey
Hey, pal.
That's a really cool bracelet.
Do you think I could try it on?
- No.
- Listen to me, okay?
Will you lean in here for
a second and listen to me?
One day, you're gonna meet a girl,
you're gonna really like her,
and you're gonna want
to give her everything,
but you won't be able
to afford it
because your life's kind of
in shambles
and you don't have money.
Look at you, kid, you
got a great-looking face.
I don't know, you might
have a tough go of it.
What do I know?
Just promise me this
Promise me you're gonna try
to enjoy your life as much
as you can, 'cause one day
you're gonna be dead, and, you know.
Can I have your bracelet,
for real?
No.
If you don't give me the bracelet,
I'm gonna strangle you to death.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Not cool.
But it worked, okay? We got the bracelet,
so now we're back in action.
- Hola.
- Hola.
Can I see your bracelets,
por favor?
Yes.
Looks pretty on her, right?
Señor?
- Run!
- No!
I don't speak Spanish, you snake!
What are you gonna do?
I'm in the ocean now!
I'm in international waters!
I've got a shell.
Let's just go.
Let's just get out of here.
- Point Break style?
- No, no, no!
I will Point Break style
this moment!
Nick, let's go!
Nick, stop!
Aah! Ow!
Ow, that hurt!
Wait!
Where are you taking him?!
- Jail.
- Aah!
Truce, okay?
Winston, please, come on
Talk to me.
I
I need a friend right now.
I love both of these women,
and I can't lose them,
and I can't hurt them.
And we made a pact!
No.
You lied to me.
You're a liar.
Okay, well, then would you
like some truth, Winston?
Here's some truth for you, okay?
You're terrible at puzzles.
Worst I've ever seen by a mile.
What, do you have fly vision?
Look at this puzzle.
It's ages six and up.
You are up, Winston.
- You are way up!
- You want to say that to my face?
This is a corner piece, Winston!
How do you not see that?
What are you, blind?!
I'm so sorry actually,
a blind man could feel
the smooth edges
of a corner piece!
You are making me so mad.
- Ooh, you are making me so mad.
- Oh, yeah?
You're making me
How am I making you?
Am I making you?
- Yes, you're making me mad.
- What you want to do?
What are you doing?
Which way are you going?
What is happening?
- Ow!
- What did you do?
Don't mess with me, man.
I'm legit.
I'm legit, dude.
- I'm getting very dizzy.
- You coming at me, son?
I need all the cash you have
and Nick's passport!
- What'd you say? What?
- Nick's in trouble?
What are we doing?
Nick is in jail?
Nick went to jail
before me?
Hey, stop it! Stop it!
This is not the time for fighting.
Nick is in a Mexican jail.
We don't know this country.
We don't know their laws.
We don't know
how to get him out.
I just hope he found somebody
who can protect him
and take care of him.
What, you hope
he's somebody's ***?
- No, like a mentor.
- He'd never be picked as a ***.
Nick is very attractive.
He can be a ***.
A sissy, perhaps, but a ***?
- He can be a ***.
- He cannot be a ***.
- My God, what's a sissy?
- Are you insane?
- A chubby ***?
- Stop it!
Nick is my ***.
Hola, señores, señora.
Hi.
Um, we have some questions.
Jess, I got this.
I know how
to handle these people.
Is this for me?
That's for you to send
your kids to college,
or for you to send
some fun up your nose.
Your choice, bro.
Don't worry.
We're looking
for our friend Nick Miller
if he's still alive, and his head
if it's separate.
You know who you should
talk to? Manny.
- Manny.
- Manny.
Talk to Julio.
- Julio.
- Julio.
Talk to Brad.
I don't really feel right about this.
Oh, Jess, you're so naive.
It's a game.
We're working our way up the ladder.
Brad is clearly the kingpin.
Thanks so much.
Okay, that didn't work.
Next idea.
Well There are no
next ideas, Schmidt!
We're out of money!
I need to just find somebody.
- Oh, just find somebody?
- Yes.
Right, Jess, 'cause
the streets down here
- they run red with hospitality.
- Hey! Hey!
Hi.
Sorry.
I met you yesterday.
You arrested a man
named Nick Miller.
You got money?
Money.
No, we don't have any money.
But wait, wait, wait!
What about his shoes?
Any interest in his shoes?
There's no way you're getting
these damn shoes, okay?
These are my favorite
brown shoes.
And besides, this is
all your fault, Schmidt.
Nick's body's being traded
like cigarettes right now!
Winston, those shoes are
not brown they're green.
- What the hell you talking about, man?
- Those shoes are green.
You guys are idiots, all right?
They're as brown as money.
- What color is Kermit the Frog?
- Brown.
It's a brown frog.
Winston, you're color-blind, dude.
What? I am not color
I am not color-blind.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Sir, I'm so sorry.
We have no money.
We don't even have money
for gas.
Oh, you got a car.
Want to trade?
Hey.
Oh, my God, I thought he
was taking you to jail.
No, it's resort jail,
and it's not so bad.
They let me watch Ugly Betty.
Here, I brought you your passport.
- Winston, enough!
- Enough for me!
Oh, Nicholas, thank goodness
you're alive.
You brought them?
I needed their help.
- Winston does not get me at all.
- What?
And, plus, he's color-blind,
which basically makes him crippled.
Please, tell me these shoes
are brown, right?
- Those shoes are green.
- They're definitely green.
Okay, you both are crazy.
Winston!
If you think those shoes are brown,
what color do you think you are?
Jess, I can't do this.
Do you really want to wake up
to this every morning?
It doesn't matter,
as long as I wake up next to you.
I got an idea.
Let's move to Mexico.
- What?
- Yeah!
- Hell no!
- Nicolas, I need you.
If you leave, then I'm with Winston,
and I can't handle that.
You and me, we work here.
If we go back to the loft,
we're not gonna make it.
Yes, we are.
We are gonna make it.
You won't.
He's 100% right.
You will not.
I'm not ready to lose you.
I just got you, Jess.
And I'm not letting you go.
So
I'm all in.
I'm shredding this passport.
I'm not leaving Mexico.
- Oh, no, you are not, sir!
- No, no, no, wait, wait!
I will put myself in that shredder
before you put your passport in there!
Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, switch!
- Put yourself in there.
- Stop! Stop, Nick!
I will shred my ear!
I'll do it!
- Your ear could go in!
- I will shred myself!
I will shred myself
in the shredder.
Get serious!
Stop.
Listen to me.
We're a family.
You can't choose who you love.
Sometimes they choose you.
And sometimes, it's just because
you got a really great deal
on Craigslist.
I got a really
great deal on Craigslist.
I got all of you.
There is no "us" without
Schmidt and Winston.
It's gonna be really, really hard.
But so what, Nick?
So what?
I believe in us.
I'm all in.
I really want to go home.
Come on, man,
let's just go home.
You know what?
I love you guys.
- Okay.
- Let's go home.
Great.
Oh, my God!
No!
Get it out! Get it out!
Unplug it, Nick!
The shredder shredded it, bro.
No, no, no,
no, guys, we're fine.
I can work with this.
Okay, everybody.
Just be cool.
Act normal.
U.
S.
citizens?
Passports, please.
What is this?
Sir, my name is Winston Bishop.
I'm a color-blind American citizen,
and I can't do puzzles.
Now let us go home.
It says
"Unatered Stites of Amurica.
"
You ready?
Hey, I got you something, actually.
I mean,
I stole it from a kid, but
We can do this.
-Yeah, we can do this.
- Yeah.
All right.
- Yeah.
- Here we go, huh?
It's locked.
I think somebody
accidentally locked this.
- Where's your key?
- I don't carry a key.
- You don't carry a key?
- No, I don't carry a
Why would I carry a key?
There's always somebody home!
And I know how to jimmy the
Mmm, my God
I like you so much.
I like you, too.
And I'll start carrying a key.
Okay, I'll carry a key for you.
For the love of God, Winston,
please just go unlock the door.
- This is so weird.
- Yeah
Sayonara, ***,
for the rest of my life.
Hey, Cece, it's Schmidt.
Hi.
You want me to come over
tonight?
I think I can make that work.
Uh, can you give me,
like, five minutes?
Great.
Um ooh, actually,
could you hold on one second?
Hi, Elizabeth, my darling.
How are you?
Uh, tonight?
You want to tonight.
Um, could you just give me one second
so I can check my calendar?
That'd be great.
I just checked it, and, uh
it looks like there's
a slight problem.
Um
Puzzling
I am puzzling
Looks good to me.
This is my masterpiece