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''Hello! Insurance-ese - the language of insurance fans (workers)''
The difficulty with English is that at the beginning it seams easy
Later on it gets more and more difficult
Therefore, you have to practice (any way you want to)
Learning English can be fun
- You're early - No, l am Ali
l beg your pardon?
My name is Ali. Ali Nadim
- l am coming to be learning the English
- Yes, yes! You wish to join our new class
- English as a Foreign Language - Yes please
l am hopping to be unrolled
Hopping to be unrolled?!
Like it say in your sillybus
You mean you're hoping to be enrolled That is what l say-hopping to be unrolled
l'm afraid you cannot be unrolled... enrolled until the English teacher arrives
She should be here in a few minutes
Meanwhile, perhaps you'd care to wait in the classroom
Just go down the corridor, turn left at the bottom and wait in room number five
- Understand? - No
l'll start again
- Go down the corridor - Down the corridor
Good
- Turn left - Turn left
Right
You are confusing me
- Left or right? - Left
Look! You just go down the corridor, turn left and wait in room five! Room five!
- l am understanding you now! Room five - Yes
Thank you
Oh dear, l am not going where l am looking
No, no! l wasn't looking where l was going
That makes the two of us! Excuse me sir
Enter
- Mrs Courtney - Miss
Oh sorry! l'm your new teacher Jeremy Brown, B.A. Oxon
- You're a man - Yes
This is most unsatisfactory! This won't do at all
l assure you my credentials are impeccable
Academically perhaps, but l'm talking about sex
l also assure you that my morals are perfectly respectable too
l'm referring to the fact that you are a man
l distinctly requested the Local Authority to send me a woman teacher
Especially after the unfortunate incident involving Mr. Warburton
- Mr. Warburton? - Yes
He was teaching English to foreign students last term
l'm afraid he only lasted a month, then he departed
- Dead? - Demented
Yes, the strain was too much for him
Typical of the male sex! No stamina
He seemed to be able to cope at first, but one day he just snapped
- lt was really quite disgusting - Really? What did he do?
Climbed out of the classroom window and on to the roof
Took all his clothes off and stood there stark naked
Singing ''l've got a lovely bunch of coconuts''
How distressing! Still you musn't worry on my account
l'm not likely to climb out of the classroom window
l know you aren't
- Thank you for your confidence - lt's got nothing to do with confidence
We've had the window frames nailed down
How very thoughtful! Well, l would appreciate the job Mrs. Courtney
- Miss - Miss Courtney
l am qualified and l do need a job! What with the economic situation and inflation and...
Alright, there's no need to whimper!
- You can start immediately - Thank you
- On a month's trial - Thank you
- lf you last that long - l'll do my best
Where will l find my students?
- Room five down the corridor and turn left - Right
l'm looking forward to meeting them! l'm sure we're all going to get along extremely well
Good evening
Good evening
Quiet please!
Silence
l am pleased to meet you all
We are also pleasing to be meeting you
- l am Brown - Oh, no
- You are committing a mistake - Mistake?
Yes, you are not brown! We are brown! You are white
My name is Brown! l'm your teacher
- Ah, you Proffessori - Yes
Silenzio
Thank you
Would you all like to sit down! Sit down!
ln fact, l'll take a note of all your names, nationalities and occupations
- Por favor señor - Yes
Es la primera vez que vengo
Es ésta la clase para aprender inglés?
Well, l haven't the faintest idea what you're saying
But l'm sure you're not trying to find the needle-work class
- Por favor - lt doesn't matter! Have a seat!
- Por favor - Sit down
Ah, si
- No, not there - Por favor
Over there
Right! l'll just go round the class and take your names
Yes, what is your name?
Maximillion Andrea Archimedes Papandrious
Yes, l'll just put you down as Max
- l take it you're Greek? - ls right! From Athens
- And what is your job? - l walk with sheeps
You walk with sheeps?
- A shepherd! You work on a farm - No, no, no! Not farm
- But you said you work with sheep - No, no! Sheeps. Big sheeps
- Ah, ships - Yes, Sheeps, Tonkers
- Tonkers! Ah, tankers - ls right
- l walk in office - Thank you
- And your name? - Anna Schmidt! Jairman au pair
- Ah, the usual German efficiency - Jairmans are always efficient
Not so
Japanes much more efficient
Nein, Jairmans are zer best
Japanes make much better terevision and camelas
Please, please, let's have no racialism
ln this class, all are equal
- Your name? - Giovanni Cupello! ltalian
- What do you work? - l work inna Ristorante dei Populi
- A waiter? - No, not a waiter. A cookada
- A cookada? - l cookada raviolo, daspaghetti, dalasagne
l cookada everything
A chef
Your name?
What is your name?
Me, Jeremy Brown! You?
Max, Anna Schmidt, Giovanni Cuppello! You?
Yes, yes, write your name down! Good, good
No good! l need your name in English
- No Urdu? - No Urdu
Certificate of registration! Jamila Ranjha! Housewife
Thank you
- And your name? - l'm Ali Nadim! From Lahor
l am working at the moment not anywhere at all
- You are unemployed? - Yes please
Only one day a week, l am working
And what do you do then?
l am going to the unemployment exchange to be collecting my money
Cor blimey! l get more money for not be working than when l'm working
And before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth, what did you do?
l worked at the Taj Mahal
- ln Delhi? - No, Putney
The Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant
Very good chapatti and popadom
A thousand apologies for my lateness
The omnibus was going backwards
l'm sure there must be a more logical explanation
lt is the absolute truth! l was told to be talking a number 27 omnibus
And l complied, but it went in a backward direction
l think you meant it was going the other way
That is the gist of what l am saying! A thousand apologies
lt's all right! Perhaps you'd like to sit next to Ali, your countryman
l cannot sit there! lt is impossible
Why is it impossible?
- l am Sikh - Oh dear
l hope it's not contagious! Perhaps you ought ot come back when you're better?
l do not comprehend the gist of your conversation
You said you were sick
No, I am not referring to my physical state of mind
My religion is Sikh
And he is Muslim!
Islam is the only true faith!
And Muslim ... false profit!
How you dare to be speaking ... you damn fool!
Sikhs are unbelievers and infidels!
Sikhs are peace-loving people
And if you are not careful, I will have much pleasure in dispatching you
... vith this!
I will not tolerate any religious intolerance!
Now, put that knife away!
He called me an infidel!
Well, he didn't mean it, did you?
Most definitely!
... I was at Punjab
to slice your throat from there to there!
From here to here
From here to there or there to here, either sliced
There will be no throat slicing in my class
If you want to do that sort of things,
you should have joined the sports in past times
Put your knife away and ... go and sit down
- How do you feel about Roman Catholics? - l treat them like my brothers
Good, go and sit next to Giovanni
- Barbarian - lnfidel
Gentlemen please! You are here to learn English not start a holy war
- What is your name? - Ranjeet Singh
- And from which country? - Punjab
Good, what is your job?
l'm a very important member of the British underground
- The underground what? - Just the underground
Mind the doors
Oh, that underground
- And your name? - Taro Nagazumi
My name card! Japanese
Reprensentative of Bushedo Electronics
- Vely good! Very good and finally your name - Por favor
- Your name, what is your name? - Por favor
- Nome - Ah nombre, sí
Juan Cervantes para servirle señor
- No need to ask what nationality you are - Por favor
- Spanish - Por favor
- What is your job? - Por favor
- Trabalio - Ah, trabajo, sí! Tree laggers
- You lag trees? - Sí, 1 Jeentonic, 2 whisky, coka tree laggers
- Three lagers - Sí
- You work in a bar - Bar, sí
- Well, Mr. Brown - Yes thank you
Apart from one attempted *** and a possible race riot
l think we're coping reasonably well
l've come to inform you about the registration fees for the students
lt's 5 pounds per head!
l'll be grateful if u would collect the money and bring it to my office in your tea break
Right, l'll do that
Well we have one thing to be grateful for anyway
Sex won't be rearing its ugly little head
l beg your pardon?
From past experience, it isn't race or religion that causes problems
lt's usually the presence of some foreign beauty
Jealousies, intrigues - all that sort of thing
Yes, well looking at my class, l dont think we'll be too bothered with anything like that
l come to learn English 'Ave l come to ze right place?
Enter
- Mrs Courtney - Miss
Miss! l've just brought the registration fees for the students
- Good! Now how many students have you? - Nine
- So there's 45 pounds in here - That depends on the rate of exchange
l don't quite follow you
Not all of them had 5 pounds in English money
So l collected 29,50 in Sterling and the rest is made up of 2000 yen, 3000 lira
250 pesetas, 75 drachmas, 50 francs and 12 deutchmarks
According to this morning's financial paper, that should give us a profit of 1045,5 pounds
Then l suggest you take it to the bank in the morning and convert it into English currency
Right, l'll do that
- By the way, how's the femme fatale? - Ah, yes! Danielle
At the moment, she's in the tea room with ltaly, Spain and Greece
Trying to establish diplomatic relations
- l hope she's not going to cause any bother - Oh no, l'm sure she won't
- Look, l am going to sitta here - No, it is me who is going to be sitting here
- Before you were sitting over dair - And before you were sitta over dair
- You takeadamick - Who, me?
You go back and sit where u were before
- No, l sit here - you not sitt here
- Who is gonna be stopping me? - Me
Yourself? You think you're tough! Come outside
Hokay
- Where are you going? - We go houtside to havada punch down
You mean a punch up
l'm going to - How you say - knock his bloody block off
We see who's bloody blocka is knockered off
- Now just a minute! What is all this about? - l tella you Mr. White
- Brown - Scusi! ls about where we sit
What's wrong with where you're sitting before?
Ltsa my eyes Professori! l gotta sitta nearer da front
Here
l see! And l suppose it's got nothing to do with the fact that Danielle is sitting here too
She is?
l never noticed
You see itsa my eyes! l'm a little shorta sighted
And also a much beega liar
- lt's not true Mr. Green - The name is Brown
You see! l'm a colour blind as well
And Max, l suppose you've got trouble with your eyes as well
No, no, no! My eyes are hokay! lt's my hears
- l am not hearing very well - That's a likely story
What you say?
l say you both go back and sit where you were sitting before now
l hope you don't think l was - How you say - too forward
No, no! l'm sure you weren't in any way to blame at all
Teacher please!
- Mr. Blown - Yes
Prease folgive my rateness! l apologize but l rost my way
Not to worry! What is your name?
- Chung Su Lee - Su Lee
- Where are you from? - Democlatic Lepublic of China
- And what is your job? - Secletaly! Chinese Dipromat
Very nice
Right! Where shall we put you?
Taro! How are relations between Japan and China?
Depends on political viewpoint!
Japan light wingo! China refto wingo
l see! Are you light wingo or reft wingo? Right or left?
l forrow teaching of Chairman Mao
ln that case, You'd better sit next to Jamila, the lndian lady
- Alright? - Thank you
Right, now we will start by learning a few basic English verbs
And firstly, we will take the verb 'to be'
- Ta be - To be
l am English, you are Chinese He is ltalian! She is French
He is barbarian
And you are asking for a kick up your big brown backside
Pay attention please
- l am - l am
- You are - You are
- He, she, or it is - He, or she or it is
- We are - We are
- You are - You are
- They are - They are
Now i'll go round the class and ask you each to give me a sentence using the verb to be
Taro, 'l am'
l amo very happy to be learningo English
- Good! Giovanni, 'he is'
- He isada fool
Good but not isada! He is a fool
Yes he is a fool
Max, 'she is'
She is beautiful! She is wonderful
- She is... - Yes, yes, thank you Max! That will do
- Juan, 'it is' - Por favor?
- lt is - Por favor
lt is raining
Lloviendo, it is raining
¡No, no llueve!
lt is raining
¡No llueve, hombre! ¡Tengo ojos!
- We'll skip you for the moment
Por favor?
lt doesn't matter! Sit down
Su Lee, 'it is'
lt is duty of evely citizen to overthlow lmpelial Warmongers
So say Chairman Mao
Yes, well that's his opinion! Good, good
Danielle, 'we are'
We are lucky to 'ave such a good 'andsome teacher
Quiet please!
Very true... I mean... Thank you
Ali, 'you are'
- You are... - You are waiting for me to speak an answer
Well done!
Unfortunately, l am not understanding the question
l want you to give me a sentence using 'you are'
l am
No, not 'l am', 'you are'! For example you are from Pakistan
- l am from Pakistan - Yes but now use 'you are'
But l cannot say you are from Pakistan because you are not, are you?
- Repeat after me - you are English - No, l'm not! l'm from Pakistan
- What am l? - You are confusing me
You are stupid poof
- Don't you call me a poof - Poof
Sit down please! Quiet!
There's really not much more we can do
Until you all get your text books! But what i would like you to do is some homework
Alright, l want you each to write an essay
A short story about your life here in England
The things you do, the things you like
l'll see you all on Wednesday
Ah, Mrs. Courtney
- Miss - Miss
l've just dismissed the class for tonight!
l think we've covered all we can for the first session
You look a trifle under the weather
- Job getting you down already? - No, no l'm fine! Never felt better
- There's just one thing though - Yes
That window you nailed down! The one Mr. Warburton climbed out of
What about it?
l think l ought to put a few more nails in it
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