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X
.
SORRY.
TERRELL, DARLING, ARE THE RATINGS OUT YET?
I NEED TO KNOW HOW I DID IN THE L.A. MARKET.
- WHY DO YOU CARE? PEOPLE LOVE YOU.
- YEAH, BUT I WANT THEM TO LOVE ME MOST.
RIGHT NOW I'M NUMBER THREE.
SAY YOU WERE THE THIRD BEST RECEIVER ON A TEAM.
- WOULDN'T HAPPEN. I'M ALWAYS OPEN.
- OKAY, BUT--
- THROW SOMETHING TO ME WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT.
- YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY I OBSESS ON THESE THINGS.
I'M NEVER GONNA BEAT EL MANDRIL.
LOOK AT HIM UP THERE, SO HAPPY WITH HIS SEXY POSSE.
YOU KNOW, HE'S-- HA!
AMAZING.
- HEY, DELIVERY JUST CAME IN
FROM OUR OWNER MR. JAMES LEOPOLD.
- THE GOLD WATCH.
DOES THIS MEAN-- - TAKE A LOOK.
- OH, MY GOD.
I'M NUMBER ONE! - YOU'RE NUMBER ONE!
- I'M NUMBER ONE! I'M NUMBER ONE!
- HE'S NUMBER ONE!
- I CAN SEE MY FACE
GENTRIFYING THE NEIGHBORHOOD RIGHT NOW.
SAY I'M A LOCAL LOWLIFE.
SHOULD I DO STREET SEX OR STREET DRUGS?
WAIT, I SHOULD BE A DOCTOR.
- YEAH!
- ALWAYS OPEN.
both: WOW. - I'M NUMBER ONE!
- HERE HE COMES. - GO, RYAN!
[cheers and applause] - THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THAT I COULDN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU.
WE'VE ALL BEEN ON A JOURNEY TOGETHER.
AND WHEN I LOOK OUT AT ALL OF THESE FACES--
NO, I COULDN'T GET THERE, BUT I WANTED TO.
I WANTED TO. [laughter and applause]
WHERE'S TERRELL OWENS?
- WE'RE CELEBRATING NFL STYLE!
- OH!
- WE ARE DOING THIS EVERY DAY.
[cheers and applause]
[rock music]
GUESS WHAT, YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING AT THE HOST
OF THE NUMBER ONE RADIO SHOW IN L.A.
[cheers and applause]
NO, NO, NO. DON'T CLAP FOR ME.
CLAP FOR YOURSELVES.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE SUPPORT OF YOU--
NO, STILL NOTHING. I'M A ROBOT.
- I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, RYAN.
BUT IT'S A HARD DAY FOR THE OLD NUMBER ONE EL MANDRIL.
LISTEN.
- [laughing]
- HE IS SUFFERING.
THERE IS A SADNESS TO HIS *** CACKLE.
- RYAN, HOW ARE YOU GONNA CELEBRATE?
- MY FRIEND STEVEN'S TAKING ME OUT
FOR A STEAK DINNER. - OH.
- NO, THANKS. [chuckles]
WYATT HAS ME ON A VERY STRICT NO-RED-MEAT DIET,
AND I DON'T MISS IT AT ALL.
BEEF, STEAK, MEATBALLS-- I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
FRENCH DIP, HOT DOGS, MEATBALLS.
- YOU SAID MEATBALLS ALREADY. - DID I?
GOD, IT'S SO FUNNY HOW YOU REPEAT THINGS
YOU DO NOT THINK ABOUT.
SO WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU, CHEESESTEAKS?
- UH, MY DIVORCE PAPERS FINALLY CAME THROUGH.
all: OH! - YEAH.
FREE MAN FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE SIXTH GRADE.
- DANNY, YOU HAVEN'T FLIRTED WITH A GIRL SINCE SIXTH GRADE?
- NO, BUT IT'S LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE.
I THINK I STILL GOT IT.
WHAT'S UP, FART FACE? - WHAT?
- HEY, SON-YUCH.
GOT SOMETHING HERE FOR YA.
RIGHT HERE.
NOOGIE, NOOGIE, NOOGIE, NOOGIE, NOOGIE, NOOGIE.
- DAMN IT! YOU MESSED UP MY BOMB-*** WEAVE,
AND I'M ALL OUT OF HAIR GLUE!
- OOH. - HEY, BUDDY.
IF YOU WANT SONIA TO LIKE YOU,
YOU MAY WANNA UPDATE SOME OF YOUR MOVES.
- MAYBE YOU CAN HELP DANNY.
YOU ARE VERY GOOD WITH WOMEN.
- YEAH, WOULD YOU, RYAN?
PLEASE, I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE MALE FRIENDS
SINCE I LOST 'EM ALL THAT HORRIBLE NIGHT IN KANDAHAR.
all: OOH.
- YEAH, WE WERE ALL PRETTY DRUNK WHEN I MENTIONED
I DO A GREAT NICOLE KIDMAN IMPRESSION.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN GETTING NAKED
AND TUCKING MY JUNK BETWEEN MY LEGS, IT WENT WRONG.
WAR.
- OH, DAN, I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT,
BUT I DON'T WANNA.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
SONIA AND I PROBABLY AREN'T A GOOD MATCH ANYWAY.
- YOU ACTUALLY ARE 98% COMPATIBLE,
ACCORDING TO THIS.
IT'S AN ALGORITHM I DEVELOPED FOR TRUESOULM8.COM.
THAT'S MATE WITH AN EIGHT.
YOU CAN FIND YOUR PERFECT MATCH
BY ANSWERING EIGHT SIMPLE QUESTIONS.
- WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?
YOU WORK FOR NASA.
YOU'VE WRITTEN A POPULAR LOVE-PREDICTING ALGORITHM.
YOU WON'T TELL US YOUR LAST NAME.
WE DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE IN THIS GROUP.
- YOU KNOW, ANNE, UNLIKE YOUR GENERATION,
WHO'S ALL ABOUT YOUR FACEBOOK UPDATES
AND YOUR SEXTING, I CHOOSE TO KEEP A FEW THINGS PRIVATE.
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. SEE YOU IN A LITTLE BIT.
[indistinct chatter]
- "S.I.T.A.T.A.W.Y.D."?
- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
- [gasps] OH, MAN.
IT'S K. I WANT ANSWERS.
- WE ALL DO.
I'VE BEEN BUSTING MY ***,
DIGGING UP INFORMATION FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS,
AND I WILL NOT SEE THAT RUINED
BECAUSE SOME ROOKIE DECIDED TO PLAY NANCY DREW.
HE KNOWS YOU'RE ON TO HIM, AND HE'LL CLAM UP.
- WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND OUT? - VERY LITTLE.
THERE WAS A FORMER NASA EMPLOYEE NAMED BENJAMIN KAKOWSKI.
- OKAY.
- I STAKED OUT HIS APARTMENT FOR ABOUT THREE DAYS
UNTIL I FINALLY GOT A CLEAN PHOTO.
- OH, GOD! - YEAH, IT WASN'T HIM.
- MAYBE WE'D GET BETTER RESULTS IF WE TEAMED UP?
- OKAY, FINE, BUT WE DO THIS MY WAY.
- OKAY.
- WE'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE HERE TILL WE CAN CRACK THIS CODE.
- OH, I FORGOT MY WALLET AND MY DAY PLANNER.
MY WHOLE LIFE IS IN THESE.
- I MAY NOT BE GOOD AT THIS.
[rock music]
- CONGRATULATIONS, MR. KING.
- THERE HE IS.
NUMBER ONE IS IN THE HOUSE! - YEAH!
- NOW BEFORE WE SIT,
I THOUGHT WE'D TAKE A WALK AROUND.
RICH EISEN, MY NEMESIS.
DID YOU SET ME UP FOR A GLOAT WALK?
- YEAH, I DID! - OKAY.
IF WE'RE GONNA DO THIS, I'M ON THE INSIDE
AND YOU'RE ON THE OUTSIDE, WHEN WE ROUND THE CORNER--
- YOU'LL BE IN PRIMO GLOAT POSITION.
- LET'S GO.
- CONGRATULATIONS, RYAN. - HEY, DRINKS ON ME TONIGHT.
- I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
- WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT?
- WAY TO GO, RYAN! - 100%--
- RICH EISEN. - RYAN KING.
- YOU KNOW, I WOULD'VE THOUGHT A MAN LIKE YOU
WOULD BE AT THE FRONT BOOTH.
OH, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU CAN'T BE BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE I AM.
- CONGRATS ON BEING THE NUMBER ONE HOST
OF A LOCAL SHOW IN A DYING MEDIUM.
- WELL, CONGRATS TO YOU ON--
WE'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? - OKAY.
- YEAH. [laughs]
- I MEAN, THAT'S IT.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO HAVE WARREN SAPP KICK IS ***.
AT ANY RATE, BACK TO SANCHEZ. HERE'S THE DEAL.
YOU DID NOT JUST DOUBLE GLOAT WALK ME.
- TURN HIS LAMP OFF. - YEAH.
- NO MORE BREAD, ***.
- BEST PART OF THE MEAL!
THANKS A LOT, BUDDY.
THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT EVER.
- YOU DESERVE IT, BUD. AND THERE'S ONE MORE THING.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE LATEST CARICATURE
TO ADORN OUR WALLS--
THE NEW NUMBER ONE IN L.A. RADIO...
RYAN KING.
[cheers and applause] - COME ON.
- FEEL THAT LOVE, RYAN.
CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY.
YOU GOTTA BE SO HAPPY.
- RIGHT.
'CAUSE IF I'M NOT NOW, I-I NEVER WILL BE.
[watch ticking]
[watch ticking loudly]
- I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS.
- RYAN, ARE YOU OKAY?
- I MAY NEED A MOMENT.
- YOUR FOOD, MR. KING. - OH, THANKS.
- OH, SIR, THAT'S A HOT PLATE.
- YES, VERY HOT. IT HURTS A GREAT DEAL.
.
- RYAN, IT'S ME.
- THANKS FOR COMING.
I'M NOT IN THE BEST PLACE RIGHT NOW.
- STEAK, HUH?
YOU KNOW, SINCE I QUIT EATING MEAT,
I HAVE SO MUCH MORE ENERGY, AND I'M SLEEPING BETTER.
AND IS THAT A NEW YORK STRIP?
- YOU WANT A BITE?
- NO, NO, I'M GOOD.
OKAY.
[sniffs]
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL, THROUGH ALL THIS JANIE STUFF,
I KEPT THINKING, YOU KNOW,
IF I COULD JUST GET A WIN,
THEN I WOULD BE MAGICALLY BACK IN CHECK.
- [inhales] - AND THEN TODAY,
SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENED,
AND I'M JUST AS MISERABLE AS I WAS YESTERDAY.
HERE, JUST TAKE IT.
- OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[deep breath]
EVERYTHING THAT YOU'RE DESCRIBING
IS TOTALLY NORMAL.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS OVERWEIGHT,
I THOUGHT IF I COULD JUST GET THINNER,
THEN I WOULD HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT.
THEN I DID LOSE THE WEIGHT, AND I WAS STILL A MESS.
YOU CAN'T SEEK HAPPINESS FROM OUTSIDE SOURCES.
HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN.
OH, YOU CHEWY LITTLE ***.
OH, THAT'S WHAT A MOUTH IS FOR!
MMM!
- [sighs] SO THAT'S YOUR BIG IDEA?
HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN? - MM-HMM.
- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?
- A LOT OF PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS
IS IN HELPING OTHERS.
THE JOY THAT I RECEIVE FROM HELPING YOU GUYS
IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I WOULD EVER GET
FROM JUST HELPING MYSELF.
HELP SOMEONE ELSE, THAT WILL FIX YOU.
- CAN'T WE JUST TAKE A PILL?
WHAT'S FAUSTA ON?
CAN I JUST TAKE A BUNCH OF THAT?
REALLY, HELP PEOPLE?
- YEAH.
- [sighs] OKAY, FINE.
YES, FINE. I WILL HELP PEOPLE.
THANK YOU. - ALL RIGHT. COME HERE.
- OKAY. [splash]
- [gasps] UGH.
- NO.
LAUREN, PROJECT "BE HAPPY BY HELPING OTHERS"
IS A COMPLETE DISASTER. - OH.
- I JOINED THIS BIG BROTHERS THING,
AND THEY GAVE ME THIS RICH TEENAGE BRATTY KID.
I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN I'M JUST HIS DRIVER.
- ARE YOU DONE YET? I'M BORED!
- [yelling] WHY DON'T YOU TRY WALKING
AND GET A LITTLE EXERCISE?
- MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE MORE SUCCESS
HELPING SOMEONE YOU HAVE A PERSONAL CONNECTION WITH.
- THIS SUCKS! - NO, YOU SUCK!
- WHAT'S WRONG, DANNY? - IT'S SONIA.
I WAS TRYING TO BE FLIRTY, SO I GAVE HER A WEDGIE.
- WAIT, THIS IS PERFECT.
DANNY, I WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU.
I'M GONNA MAKE SURE THAT YOU AND SONIA GET TOGETHER.
- OH, THANK YOU. JUST TELL ME
WHAT I NEED TO DO, AND I'LL DO IT.
- RYAN, THERE'S A FAT KID IN A BLAZER
PEEING ON YOUR PORSCHE.
- THIS IS ON YOU, LAUREN. HE IS A BAD KID.
DANNY, YOU GOTTA GET RID OF THE GRADE SCHOOL PICKUP MOVES.
WE GOTTA SPRUCE UP YOUR WARDROBE
AND START PLAYING TO YOUR STRENGTHS, WHICH ARE--
- IN THE ARMY, I MASTERED THE ABILITY OF PLAYING DEAD.
NOW I NEVER ACTUALLY USED IT IN COMBAT,
BUT IT DID GET ME OUT OF SEEING A U.S.O. SHOW
WITH GARY SINISE'S ROCK BAND.
- OKAY. WE GOTTA YOU INTO A LOW-PRESSURE,
ROMANCE-FRIENDLY SITUATION, LIKE A--
LIKE A DINNER PARTY.
- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
K, YOU COULD HOST AT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE.
- [whispers] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
I'D LOVE TO HELP OUT A COUPLE 98-PERCENTERS.
SHALL WE SAY TOMORROW EVENING AT 7:00?
- ALL RIGHT. LAUREN, IF YOU'RE RIGHT,
BY THE END OF THE EVENING, I SHOULD BE AS HAPPY AS--
- I LOVE THIS SONG.
- YEAH, THERE'S-- THERE'S NO SONG, HONEY.
TELL ME SHE'S NOT ON SOMETHING.
- WELCOME TO CASA DE K.
[indistinct chatter]
- IS IT JUST ME, OR IS THIS ALL TOO NORMAL?
- EXCEPT FOR THIS.
- "STAY IN THERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID."
- GOOD EVENING. WELCOME, GUESTS.
TONIGHT'S MEAL WILL BE PREPARED
FROM THE SECRET RECIPES OF THE PERSON
WHO I AM THE CLOSEST TO IN THIS WORLD,
MY DEAR MOTHER.
THE CHEF'S DUTIES WILL BE PERFORMED
BY LOUISIANA'S OWN KATE HARRINGTON,
AN ACCOUNTANT I MET AT THE PHARMACY.
- LET'S GO OVER WHAT WE KNOW.
THE PAPER I FOUND SAID, "S.I.T.A.T.A.W.Y.D."
NOW WE HAVE THIS PILLOW THAT SAYS,
"STAY IN THERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID."
WAIT. S.I.T.A.T.A.W.Y.D.
IT'S AN ACRONYM.
- YOU'RE JUST NOW GETTING THAT?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
HOW MUCH WEED DID YOU SMOKE IN THE '70s?
- A LOT. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
- WHERE IS DANNY?
I TOLD HIM IF HE GOT HERE EARLY, I'D GIVE HIM SOME TIPS.
- WHAT?
- WELL, LAUREN SAID IF I HELPED HIM OUT,
SOMEHOW I'D BE HAPPIER.
- NO ONE HAS EVER BECOME POOR BY GIVING.
ANNE FRANK SAID THAT.
WHICH REMINDS ME, I NEED TO GET
HER BOOK BACK FROM RAY LEWIS.
- YOLANDA, THIS IS MY TEMPORARY ASSISTANT TERRELL OWENS.
- I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE TURNED ON IN MY LIFE.
OKAY.
- ANYWAY, I THINK DANNY'S GONNA DO GREAT.
HE HAD THIS REALLY SWEET IDEA TO WEAR THE COAT
THAT HIS DAD COURTED HIS MOM IN.
- [chuckles]
I'M GUESSING HIS DAD WAS A--
- YEAH, IT SEEMS HE WAS A DOORMAN.
- WYATT, MR. K DEVELOPED THE ALGORITHM FOR A DATING SITE,
AND THE COMPATIBILITY SCORE
HE GAVE SONIA AND DANNY IS A 98.
- COOL. SO WHAT'S OUR SCORE?
- WELL, I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWERS
YOU'D GIVE TO THE QUESTIONS, SO LET'S SEE.
YOU ARE A 78.
- SWEET, C-PLUS.
I MEAN, I DIDN'T END UP BEING A CHIROPRACTOR
BECAUSE I GOT STRAIGHT "A"s, RIGHT?
[laughter] - OH. OH.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HEY, UH, NOT THAT I BELIEVE IN LOVE MATH,
BUT I KINDA THOUGHT THAT WYATT AND I
WOULD'VE SCORED A LITTLE HIGHER.
- OH, YOU AND WYATT!
THE 78 WAS FOR HIM AND FAUSTA.
- OH! [both laugh]
- YOU AND WYATT WERE A 23.
- WHAT? - MM-HMM.
- COME ON. LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
- I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF DOORMEN.
BUT IT ENDED WITH ME.
I DIDN'T HAVE THE GOODS.
- SONIA'S GONNA WALK IN ANY MOMENT.
HE HAS TO LOOK GOOD. YOU GOTTA GO FASTER.
LOSE THE HAT. AND GIVE ME THE WHISTLE.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT I'D LIKE TO KEEP THE DOG TREATS
IF I MAY, FOR DAD.
- OH. [throws whistle]
- ALL RIGHT. NOW LET'S WORK ON THAT HAIR.
- OKAY.
- OH, YOU TRAVEL WITH YOUR OWN HAIR GEL?
- I'M SORRY, AM I NOT MANLY ENOUGH
FOR THE MAKEOVER YOU'RE ORCHESTRATING?
- WOW, DANNY, YOU LOOK GREAT.
- THANKS. - SO DO YOU, BY THE WAY.
- THANKS. IT'S LIKE SGT. PEPPER'S MEETS THE MATRIX.
- ALL RIGHT, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU ARE INTERESTING,
YOU ARE DELIGHTFUL,
AND YOU DESERVE THIS.
I'LL GET THAT.
- WOW, GOOD OPEN.
YOU'RE A NATURAL.
BET YOU'RE GREAT AT WAITING FOR PACKAGES TOO.
- OKAY. LET'S SWEEP SONIA OFF HER FEET.
COME ON!
- HI, EVERYONE. MEET MY DATE CARLO.
- I'M SUCH A LOSER.
I'LL ALWAYS BE A LOSER.
- HERE, I'LL GET THAT.
- OH, NOW YOU'RE JUST SHOWING OFF.
.
FOUND K'S PHOTO ALBUM.
- OOH, LET'S SEE.
- HEY! - AAH!
- YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING AROUND A LITTLE BIT, THAT'S FUN.
JUST PLEASE DON'T GO INTO THE ROOM
AT THE END OF THE HALL.
- SAYS HE WAS CLOSE TO HIS MOTHER.
- "STAY IN THERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID."
YOU THINK SHE'S IN THAT ROOM?
- OH, SHE'S IN THERE.
DEAD OR ALIVE? THAT'S THE QUESTION.
- HEY, SONIA, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
- WHOA. WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION, SON.
- WHO IS THIS GUY?
- THIS IS CARLO.
HE WORKS SECURITY AT MY APARTMENT COMPLEX.
- UPSTATE NEW YORK IN THE HOUSE.
HEY, FAIR WARNING.
IF YOU WANT IN ON THESE SUDS,
5 BUCKS A CUP.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND IF I SEE YOU TRYING TO SNEAK A PUMP
WITH NO "X" ON YOUR HAND, IT IS SHOW TIME.
DO YOU LIKE CANDLEBOX?
- NO. - STRIKE TWO.
- SONIA, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHO IS THAT GUY?
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED DANNY.
- WHAT? DANNY'S A JERK.
- [sighs]
- WHO AM I KIDDING?
HE'S CUTE, SWEET, FUN.
AND ALL THE WEDGIES, THE DEAD LEGS,
AHH, THEY MAKE A GIRL FEEL GOOD.
- BOY, HOW ARE YOU GUYS ONLY A 98?
- HE'S CLEARLY ABOUT TO MAKE A MOVE.
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT CARLO.
I SELF-SABOTAGE!
- FORGET ABOUT CARLO.
JUST BE OUT ON THE PATIO AT 9:00 P.M.
I'LL MAKE SURE THERE'S CHAMPAGNE
AND FLOWERS AND DANNY.
AND THEN YOU GUYS CAN KISS AND THEN FALL IN LOVE
AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. - OKAY.
WOW.
WHAT I'D GIVE TO SEE DANNY IN A BANGIN' OUTFIT LIKE THAT.
[both speaking Spanish]
[both cheer]
- IF YOU REALLY LOVE HIM,
YOU'LL LET HIM GO TO FAUSTA.
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
- MR. K HAS A STUPID FORMULA THAT HE SAYS
CAN DETERMINE IF YOU'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.
- THAT'S RIDICULOUS. LOVE MATH?
- YES, THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I BELITTLED IT. THANK YOU.
YOU ARE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
- A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M DUMB
'CAUSE I HANG OUT WITH RYAN-- STUPIDITY BY PROXY.
- LET'S DIAL THIS PARTY UP A BIT, SHALL WE?
ANY REQUESTS? - CANDLEBOX!
- HOW ABOUT THE ONLY THING THAT I KNOW HOW TO PLAY--
THE MIDDLE PART OF THAT SONG
ISLANDS IN THE STREAM.
- MM. - HMM?
- COME ON, WYATT, DUET!
- IT'S NOT MY THING.
- ♪ ISLANDS IN THE STREAM ♪
♪ THAT IS WHAT WE ARE ♪
♪ NO ONE IN BETWEEN ♪
♪ HOW CAN WE BE WRONG? ♪
both: ♪ SAIL AWAY WITH ME ♪
♪ TO ANOTHER WORLD ♪
♪ AND WE RELY ON EACH OTHER ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪
♪ FROM ONE LOVER TO ANOTHER ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪
[both laugh]
- YOU'RE GOOD.
- 99%.
BLAM-O.
- [scoffs]
- NO, NO, NO. I TALKED TO SONIA.
JUST BE OUT ON THE PORCH AT 9:00, AND YOU'RE GOLDEN.
- I'M NOT DOING IT.
- SONIA WANTS YOU NOW!
- SHE DOESN'T WANT ME.
NO WOMAN WANTS ME.
- DON'T DIE.
- GOOD-BYE, RYAN.
- OH, MY GOD. YOU'VE GOT NO PULSE.
THAT'S AMAZING!
WAIT HERE. OH, RIGHT, YOU'RE DEAD.
HEY, KATE, YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE PERSON.
MY FRIEND DANNY'S IN THE OTHER ROOM,
AND HE'S IN NEED OF A LITTLE EGO BOOST.
WOULD YOU GO TALK TO HIM?
- I'D BE HAPPY TO. - GREAT. RIGHT THROUGH THERE.
HE'S TALL, THIN, DEAD.
YOU CAN'T MISS HIM.
- OKAY, OPEN IT. - YOU OPEN IT.
- YOU'VE BEEN STANDING HERE AN HOUR.
GO IN, OR GET OUT OF THE WAY.
I'VE BEEN TRACKING WHO I THINK TO BE MR. KLEIN FOR A YEAR,
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA BLOW IT.
ALL RIGHT.
[indistinct chatter on TV] [gasps]
- MAMA K?
- UNCLE JESSUP?
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[all gasp]
- OH, MY GOD.
IT'S--IT'S--
- IT'S MR. BELVEDERE.
[all gasp] - WHAT?
.
YOU SCARING OFF MY WOMAN?
- DUDE, IT'S I-X O'CLOCK.
I THINK THAT'S 9:00.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
- NO WAY, BRO.
WE GOTTA SETTLE THIS, UPSTATE NEW YORK STYLE.
ARE YOU PACKIN'?
- AND CANDLEBOX SUCKS.
[crickets chirping]
- WHERE'S DANNY? - HE'LL BE HERE.
HE'S JUST GETTING HIS MOJO BACK.
- HEY. [indistinct chatter]
- I'D SAY IT'S BACK.
- WOW. WHAT'S HER DEAL?
THE MAN CAN'T EVEN OPEN A DOOR.
- LOOK AT HIM. HE'S SO HAPPY.
- HE DOES LOOK HAPPY.
AND WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY HAPPY
BECAUSE OF ME, SO NOW I CAN FINALLY BE--
OH, SONIA, I'M SO SORRY.
[TV chatter]
- WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT, K?
- IT WAS THE SUMMER OF 1984,
AND LITTLE BENJY K HAD JUST ARRIVED IN HOLLYWOOD,
READY TO TAKE TINSELTOWN BY STORM.
I HAD JUST LANDED THE LEAD KID ROLE
IN A NEW SHOW CALLED MR. BELVEDERE.
- OH, YOU WERE GONNA PLAY WESLEY?
- I DID PLAY WESLEY!
IN THE FIRST EPISODE, AT LEAST.
AND THEN IN THE FINAL SCENE OF THE PIECE,
I WAS TO DELIVER THE MOST KILLER JOKE EVER WRITTEN.
I, A KID, WAS SUPPOSED TO TELL MR. BELVEDERE,
A GROWN-UP, TO STAY-- [laughs]
OH! EVEN NOW, I CAN'T GET IT OUT.
all: STAY IN THERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.
- WOW. YOLANDA, WAY TO TAKE A BULLETPROOF JOKE
AND SHOOT IT RIGHT IN THE FACE.
87 TAKES I DID BEFORE I WAS CANNED.
MY CAREER WAS OVER BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED.
IN A WAY, I GUESS I KEEP MY BELVEDERE ROOM
FOR THE SAME REASON ANYONE ELSE DOES.
- NO ONE DOES. - NO.
- AS A BITTER REMINDER OF A TRAGIC LOSS.
- AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE IN THE GROUP.
- [chuckles] IS IT?
I'M A PUZZLE WITH MANY PIECES.
BUT IT FEELS REALLY GOOD TO SHARE WITH YOU
ONE OF MY SECRETS FINALLY.
YOU'VE HELPED ME.
I THINK IT'S TIME TO PUT THIS AWAY.
TIME FOR THE NEXT STAGE OF MY LIFE.
- WHAT'S THIS THING?
- WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, "I LOVE YOU, BUDDY"?
- OOH. - OH, THAT'S SAD.
- [chuckles] - OH, NO.
IT'S MY MATHEMATICALLY PROVEN SOUL MATE.
THIS IS VERY AWKWARD. - OH, MY GOD.
[robot voice] MUST SPEND ETERNITY WITH YOU.
- HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANNA NAME OUR TRIPLETS?
I LIKE KODY. - I LIKE CASSIDY.
both: EMMA.
[both laugh]
- OKAY, WELL, THIS IS FATE.
- DARLING, I KNOW WE'VE ONLY MET THREE TIMES,
AND THE ONLY THING WE'VE EVER TALKED ABOUT IS RYAN,
BUT I BURN FOR YOU, AND I'M GONNA PULL YOU IN
IN A DIRTY DANCING- LIKE POSITION.
[both chuckle]
- THIS IS FUNNY, RIGHT?
- IT MAY JUST BE HOT.
- I NEED MEATBALLS. - I LOVE MEATBALLS.
- STOP IT.
[door closes]
[jazz music]
- LOVE, MAN.
LET'S MAKE A PACT.
IF WE'RE BOTH STILL SINGLE WHEN WE'RE 40,
WE SHOULD MAKE A BABY.
- I'M ALREADY 40.
- YOU ARE? UGH!
HOW ARE YOU NOT MORE TOGETHER?
- YOU KNOW, SONIA, I HOPE IT WORKS OUT WITH YOU AND DANNY.
BUT IF IT'S NOT HIM, IT'S GONNA BE SOMEONE.
YOU WILL BE HAPPY.
- I DON'T SEE MYSELF BEING HAPPY.
I SELF-SABOTAGE.
- WELL, NOW THAT YOU RECOGNIZE THAT TENDENCY,
MAYBE YOU CAN CHANGE.
- BUT I WON'T.
AND SOON, THIS WHOLE STUPID NIGHT
WILL BE A DISTANT MEMORY.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
[watch ticking]
- WHOA.
[glass shatters]
- I JUST STOPPED TIME FOR YOU.
SO HERE, TAKE THIS AS A REMINDER
OF THE EXACT MOMENT THAT YOU DECIDED
TO BE A BETTER, HAPPIER PERSON.
- RYAN... THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING
ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.
- REALLY?
AWW. THIS IS NICE.
- HEY, IT'S HIM. HE'S COMING.
- [speaking Spanish]
[whooping]
- EL MANDRIL.
- NUMERO UNO.
- YEAH! I GOT A POSSE NOW!
THANK YOU.
POSSE, THIS IS SONIA. SONIA, POSSE.
SONIA'S VERY SINGLE.
NUMERO UNO! [all cheering]
[man singing in Spanish]