Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
- Guys, don't judge him.
He's happy with who he is.
We just legalized gay marriage in this country.
Don't take a step back on dog homosexuality.
[dark electronic music]
♪
Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.
And today the topic is crime.
[cheers and applause]
Please help me welcome the host
of the "Skeptic Tank" podcast, Ari Shaffir.
[cheers and applause]
Here's the deal: I moved to New York
not too long ago, a few years ago.
And it's great. It's a lot of fun.
People are like, "Which one do you like better?"
I'm like, "They're ***' both--
they're both great; they're both great."
There's this war going on between LA and New York,
and I don't understand it.
Like, "Which one's better? Which one's better?"
"New York sucks." "LA sucks."
I'm like, "***' Kansas City sucks."
[laughter]
Why are you trying to hurt each other?
It's like, who's better, Kobe Bryant or Kevin Durant?
Well, in terms of non-***,
I guess it would be Kevin Durant.
[laughter]
But--that's right, I hate the Lakers.
[laughter]
People are like, "Why won't you forget it?"
I'll never forget it. I'll never forget it.
Anyway, that's all sidetrack.
When I really like LA better is in the winter.
So what I do is, I find some comedian
to switch apartments with for the winter.
I come here; they go there.
I ask them usually in June.
They look at the weather report,
and they're like, "Yeah, New York seems fine."
[laughter]
And then, like, January rolls around.
They're like, "You double-crossed me!"
And I'm like, "I can't hear you over the sunshine."
[laughter]
So I switched apartments with my friend Benji Aflalo.
And he double-crossed me too,
because when I got to his apartment,
he was like, "Oh, by the way, I got a dog.
You got to take care of it. Bye."
[laughter] And then he left.
This dog bit me for, like, the first week I was there too.
I was like, "Why is your dog biting me?"
He was--he stayed for, like, three days.
We stayed, like, together.
And then he left.
But I was like, "Why is your dog biting me?"
He's like, "Well, you know,
dogs can smell fear."
[laughter]
And I was like, "Yeah, but why is he biting me?"
He's like, "Well, you know, when they smell fear"--
I've never understood that logic of, like,
just 'cause you know I'm scared of you, dog,
why is physical violence your answer to that?
That's *** logic.
Like, how about you know I'm scared.
Walk slowly when I'm in the room.
[laughter] Set me at ease.
Don't be like, "Scared? ***' scared?"
Like, "Yes, please stop doing that,
and I won't be as frightened of you."
[laughter]
It was fun taking care of this dog too, though.
I fell in love with him.
I fell in love with him. I love this dog.
'Cause a lot of you don't understand.
My thought was, "I'll take him on walks;
I'll meet chicks," you know.
Like, "Oh, you got a dog. I got a dog."
[mumbling] You know.
That's a "one thing leads to another" situation.
[laughter] I love this dog.
Here's my question about dogs, by the way.
They say they're supposed to have
a really good sense of smell.
We've heard that since we were little.
Dogs--really good sense of smell.
Okay, well then how come,
when they're smelling another dog's ***,
do they have to be inside that dog's ***
in order to make out what it is?
'Cause that doesn't seem like
a very good sense of smell at all.
[laughter]
I have guy friends who if they haven't showered
for, like, a day and a half,
I can smell their ***...
[laughter]
From, like, six feet away through clothing.
I'm like, "It was one of you guys.
I don't know which one, but I can clearly smell ***."
I don't have to treat it like a 40-year-old wine
where I'm like, "Hold on, let me--
let me really get in there."
[mumbles]
[inhales deeply]
[laughter]
"Yup, that's an ***, all right.
Story checks out."
[laughter]
"Same place as the others."
[laughter]
Anyway, this dog, he was so cool.
Who has dogs here, anybody?
[people cheer] You guys got a dog.
Your dog do any tricks?
- Sleeps a lot. - Sleeps a lot?
That's not really a trick. That's depression.
[laughter]
You want your dogs to do tricks.
Nothing crazy, nothing crazy.
All I wanted to teach this dog was to fetch.
That was my goal.
It was, like, nine-, ten-month-old dog,
and I'm like, "I can still teach it," you know?
Fetch: basic ***. Nothing crazy.
Some people do that trick where you put
a treat on the dog's nose
and they got to ***' sit there and not eat it,
just balancing it, and then you're like,
"Okay, go," and then they eat it.
That's ***' slave ***.
Don't do that to your dog.
That's part of your family.
That's unnecessary.
Oh, this thing that you love--
here, it's right next to your face
where you can smell it.
Don't eat it.
[laughter]
I just wanted this dog to fetch.
That's all I wanted him to do: fetch.
Easiest *** in the world, right?
And I tried--I tried to teach him how to fetch.
It was so hard, but I tried.
I watched YouTube videos on how to train a dog to--
I watched 30 seconds of one YouTube video
on how to train a dog to fetch.
I bought the crinkly kind of toy.
I bought those little, tiny tennis balls
so he can get his *** tiny Chihuahua mouth around it.
[laughter] Nothing worked.
He had no interest in fetching.
You know what he loved?
[people murmuring]
Nope, none of you guys got it. You're never gonna get it.
You're not even on the right path.
***, ***. He loved ***.
[laughter]
I'm not done there.
I'm not gonna just leave it out there like that
and be like, "All right, next story."
There's more to it. I'm gonna explain it.
I came home one day, and in his dog bed,
he had all these tissue papers.
And he was, like, *** biting these tissue papers
and, like, eating them.
And I was like, "Benji, why is your dog
biting all these tissue papers?"
And he goes, "Oh, ***.
"He's been in my room again.
"Yeah, he goes in there and treasure hunts
for *** rags."
[laughter]
"And he brings them back to his bed
"like a job well done.
He gets to enjoy his spoils."
He loves ***. I don't care.
I'm not gonna judge him.
Let him be happy with who he is.
He knows what he loves.
I'll just lock my door, that's all.
I kept the door closed,
and I wouldn't let him in my room.
But once, I went to the bathroom,
and when I came back,
he had one of my inside-out socks
in his bed.
Smart dog.
[laughter]
Fine, whatever. I don't care.
All I want is to be a dog trainer,
and I tried everything to get this dog to fetch.
I tried everything. I bought him a little fetch toy.
It's, like, a rubber hollow thing.
You put a treat on the inside,
and then you let him smell it, and he wags his tail, all happy.
And then I'd throw it; he would just look at it...
[laughter]
And then look back at me
like, "You know you're gonna go get that."
[laughter]
I'd be like, "Come on, come on."
And then I'd be like, "See, don't you"--
I'm like, "You're *** training me."
[laughter]
No interest in fetching.
Anyway, towards the end of the winter,
I was having sex with a woman
and used a *** for once...
[laughter] And, uh--
Feels great to use a ***.
I feel like I'm not part of the problem.
[laughter]
Anyway, I finished, and I went to the bathroom
to throw out the ***, you know,
in the trash can in the bathroom.
And when I opened the door, the dog,
he got all excited to see me, you know,
'cause I was in the bedroom killing it
for, like, eight hours.
[laughter]
Could've been ten minutes. I don't know.
Could've been ten. Dogs can't tell time.
Dogs can't tell time. Dogs can't tell time.
To him, it was, like, a day. It didn't matter.
Dogs can't tell time.
[laughter]
And, uh, I saw him.
I was like, "Oh, hey, buddy, excited to see me?"
But he wasn't looking at me.
He was looking at my hand
with the *** in it.
And I was like, "What are--
No."
[laughter]
And to test it, I went like that,
and then he goes, like-- like, up on two legs.
You know when they do that thing?
I'm like, "You *** ***."
[laughter]
To him, it was like a glass of milk.
Guys, don't judge him.
He's happy with who he is.
We just legalized gay marriage in this country.
Don't take a step back on dog homosexuality.
[laughter]
I don't care. He loves ***.
Let him be into what he's into.
That's what he likes.
That's what he wants.
But what I want is to be a dog trainer.
[laughter]
So I got that little fetch toy...
[laughter]
And I put-- uh-huh, yup, yup.
Mm-hmm, yup, yup. You're right.
You're right too. You're right.
You're right. That's right, mm-hmm.
Yup, yup. That's right.
You know what's gonna happen.
Mm-hmm, yup, yup.
That's right. Mm-hmm, yup.
[laughter]
I put it down, and then I took the ***,
and I turned it over, and I just kind of, like...
[laughter and groans]
Emptied it...
[laughter]
Onto this fetch toy.
[laughter]
And then I let him smell it, and he loved it.
[laughter]
He was like, "Om, nom, nom."
He couldn't get enough of it.
I'd take it, and I'd throw it,
and he'd ***' run after it.
I'd take it out again and throw it.
He was so excited-- you know the thing they do
where they can't even get traction,
where they're just like...
this for a while, and then it starts catching in?
He would do that, like burning rubber.
[laughter]
I *** on everything after that, you guys.
The tennis ball, the crinkly toy...
[laughter]
All of it.
Yeah, my methods are a little bit unorthodox.
[laughter]
I'm a lot like House.
[laughter]
But there's only one thing that's important there,
and that is that I am a dog trainer.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]