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Hello, friends. Every now and again I get a little bit lonely, so I reach out for my
phone, and I just start textin' people. And it's not that I have anything to say to them.
So what I do is I play this little game with the people in my address book, and I just
text them something at random, and I see what happens. So for some of my messages I like
to do it in a two-parter. You set it up in the first message you send, and the you follow
it up with the punchline. And it just always makes me laugh, I don't know why. I may be
a sociopath. So here, to my friend Laura, I set it up with "Have you ever eaten possum?
It's got a weird tang." And then I just quickly followed that up with "also, where would I
go for a rabies shot?" So, to my friend Don, I sent "weird question: how many sets of adult
teeth do you get?" and followed that with "uh...do you know of any good dentists?" That'll
be fun. And immediately she sends me back with "One. Unless you're special." Haha. I
am. I am special. Sometimes I like to send people questions that really make them wonder
about what's going on in my life. To my friend Clayton I just sent "missing a pair of underpants,
did I leave them at yours? Sorry bro, wrong person." That's, uh...that's gonna be fun.
I could've left out the "sorry bro," and seen what happened, but I chose not to, 'cause...I
don't need that. In case you're wondering, he just sent back a bunch of dots. That's
precious, that's just...precious. So to my co-worker Alex, I'm just gonna send "don't
let company policy stand in the way of what we could have," and I've followed that up
with "wrong co-worker, don't worry about it," 'cause...that's started a rumour right now.
I've just started a rumour about myself. Well...that's the harsh realization of the consequences
you get when you play my game. Should've been prepared. Not gonna stop me, either. The third
kind of message I like to send is just random. Just to see how people are gonna react, and
just not follow it up with anything. I just like to drop it out there and then pretend
that it never happened, and when they ask me about it later, I can just be like "naw,
I don't remember that, that never happened." So to my friend Courtney I just asked her
"how many sour keys she thinks I can fit in my mouth," and I'm never gonna tell her the
answer. It's gonna drive her insane. Yeah. That's how I get ya. Finally, to my friend
Chelsea, gonna send her a message that says "that I love potatoes...and ***." Sending...done!
It's just...it's really good to be in my address list, 'cause I'm just so fun. I'm just so
fun. I'm sorry, everyone. I am sorry. Sometimes I like to send my friend question--why would
you interrupt me, why? I'm so white! Why? ...Even whiter!