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As if my brain didn’t hurt enough this Monday morning, I had to deal with fixing the station’s
Famicom (I think Derek mistook it for an oddly-shaped toaster) and covering some classic import
titles. Which would normally be fine... if it wasn’t for the inherent confusion of
such an enterprise, redoubled by it being a Monday morning. For whatever reason, some
Namco materials drop the Y in Wagyan, despite it being right there in the title. For that
matter, some Namco materials spell Namco with a T, a strange quirk of Famicom-era gaming
for which I’ve yet to hear a convincing explanation. Some say it was to separate Namco
arcade games from Namcot-with-a-T home console games. Some say it was for their collaborations
with Data East or other developers... which explains why there’s no T in Namco on the
box art for Chojiku Yousai Macross, but there is on Wagyan Land, but... wait, there is on
Tower of Druaga... AAAGH MONDAYS
Thankfully, Wagyan Land (that’s how Felicity in Worcestershire wrote it, and that’s how
the Kacho pronounced it, so that’s how I’m gonna roll) is a fairly benign platformer,
allaying the fears I had given that... well, it’s a Namco-published Famicom game from
‘89, which means it should rightly be praying for my death. Instead, it feels much more
like a kid’s game, almost... too much... wait, this isn’t edutainment, is it? No,
no, it’s just a cute platformer, with a mechanical dinosaur shouting at enemies to
stun them. You can’t actually destroy oncoming hostiles - not until you get equipped with
the SUPER WAGYANIZER halfway through the game- but you can freeze them into inaction and
even use them as steps. By collecting the little Wagyan icons distributed throughout
the courses, you can power up your voice, turning your initial piddly little “wa-”
into a more emphatic “Gya-” into a trouser-soaking “GA-” into a world-rending, sanity-imploding
“GYA-”... All of which just improves projectile size and stun duration. But get a fourth power-up,
and Wagyan there goes into hyperdrive, turning invincible and gaining a significant bonus
to movement speed. Ain’t no one who can stand in his way... except for bosses, who
- in a stark contrast to the rest of the game - stop down all the action and challenge the
player to a VOCABULARY EXERCISE.
Yes, rather than epic boss fights, you’re challenged to word-chain contests. Did I mention
it’s Monday? And that I might’ve been slacking on my vocab practice? And that some
of these pictures might have two readings, depending on how much of a jerk the computer
feels like being? You’re at a bit of a disadvantage from the jump, compounded by the fact that
it’s in a foreign language. Not every boss results in a word game, though; some prefer
Concentration battles (which are usually too easy since the board is mirrored somehow and
easy to predict). I knew it. It IS edutainment. And it’s actually pretty darn fun. The physics
are bit shaky, so don’t come in expecting Mega Man levels of platforming accuracy, but
if you feel the need to break up your language practice with video games - and who doesn’t
- Wagyan Land is there for you.