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In the 16-bit era, JRPGs were thick on the ground. Some basic character sprites, a fairly
easy-to-code backend, and a night of heavy drinking to come up with a half-decent story...
that’s all you needed to put a role-playing adventure on the Super Famicom. And while
we here in the states - for the most part - got the cream of the crop like Mario RPG
and went two outta three for Final Fantasies (not bad, according to Meat Loaf), there were
some pretty viable games that, for one reason or another, passed us by. With so many offerings
in the genre, each game had to live or die by its own unique quirks, and in Metal Max
Returns’ case, that unique quirk is TANKS. LOTS AND LOTS OF TANKS. Now how did we not
get this game translated? I ask you. TANKS!
In a postapocalyptic... kinda generic RPG world... mankind has found solace in small
community groups and TANKS. And, as a disowned young man in a nightmare world, it’s your
place to prove your self-worth by... well, let’s not split hairs. BY HIJACKING A TANK
AND KICKING ***. And, this being an RPG, you’re going to have the opportunity to customize
this tank in a number of ways, from adding weapons systems to improving and restocking
ammunition, as well as recruiting new allies... complete with their OWN TANKS. And by completing
quests, you can earn NEW TANKS. There’s even a rental service that deals exclusively
in TANKS. And you’ll want to be inside something safe when you’re just cruisin’ on the
overworld map and run into GIANT ROBOTIC KAMIKAZE MOLES. These and other... um, octopi lookin’
things... are your primary impediments as you track down and destroy wanted criminals
and mutants in search of a bit of cash. For tank parts. So that you can track down even
more dangerous criminals, and restore order to the land, all vigilante Fist-Of-The-North-Star
style. With tanks.
Metal Max Returns is actually an enhanced remake of the original Metal Max, which hit
the Famicom in 1991. To date, the only installment of the series to make it to the states is
Metal Saga, which hit the PS2 in 2006. While this import copy itself is pretty heavy on
the kanji, some enterprising souls on the internet have released a fan-translation patch,
if you’re into such things. And you should be, because TANKS. And because it’s fun
to say “Sonderkraftfahrzeug” and “Flugabwehrkanonenpanzer.” Seriously. Say ‘em. Pronounce those and
you’ll see what I mean. TANKS for watching.