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Previously on "big shots"
I want to have a baby.
Marla's going to be our surrogate.
My eggs aren't viable.
She's gonna have to get
pregnant the old-fashioned way.
Alex mason -- you
trashed me on basic cable
and now you're calling
to confirm our date?
That was business,and what
I'm talking about is pleasure.
Zack wells. Duncan collinsworth.
This is who you hired?
We've got something in common.
Duncan's my dad,too.
I'm with terrence now.
Exclusively.
Will you marry me again?
I'm happy to report that
lisbeth accepted my proposal.
Wait. Stop,stop,stop,stop.
Quiet now.
You don't want to alarm them.
Ah,the northeastern
aspiring trophy wife.
They don't usually travel in packs.
It must be a difficult hunting season.
Yes,they do look hungry.
See?
I'm better off without lisbeth.
Being with her required
constant effort. Full-time job.
Trying to be something I'm not.
- Monogamous?
- Exactly.
One woman equals work.
I came so close to forgetting the
fundamental principle of my life --
being me is fun as hell.
- Hi!Oliver!
- Katie.
See you later. Wasn't that good?
James,this gainfully employed,straight
adonis is oliver davenport,
my lunch date and my boyfriend.
Nice to meet you.
Tell me it's not her birthday.
Oh,no,no. You're good.
This is just a running joke.
Yeah,when I first started working here,
I dated this guy that
sent me the most enormous,
embarrassing bouquet of balloons
for my first day of work.
So,as an anniversary of sorts,
I make it a personal goal of mine
to out-humiliateatie every year.
Last year,my office was
filled with rockettes.
So,no balloons?
No rockettes?
No cage dancers.
There goes lunch.
I'll be back for the 2:30 call.
- Oh,hey.
- Yeah?
I think I like him a lot
more than balloon guy.
So do I.
Aw,now I feel guilty for thinking
your girlfriend's a ***.
Uh,just kidding
We have a few concerns
about the upcoming meeting
with nadia's expert beauty.
"Concerns"?
Yes,it's a beauty-supply chain,
but it's not like they're selling
watermelon lip gloss at 3 for $1.
Every line they carry has
had a 25% sales increase.
You don't understand.
The board feels that someone else might
be better suited to negotiate with nadia.
Nadia striker is
notoriously conservative.
We've heard that she's
already expressed concerns
about doing business with someone
of your personal reputation.
I'll take her to dinner,bring
my loving daughter,
wear my father-of-the-year
sweater-vest.
It'll be fine.
Do you need me to quote
proverbs,or can we get back to work?
Fresh from my storage facility,or,
as I like to call
it,the trunk of my car.
Well,I'd help you look,
but I don't want to stumble
on your stash of "perfect 10."
How did you know I keep my
birth certificate with my ***?
Well,it's like we have one brain.
We must be related.
You know,pretding to be my half
brother is quite an elaborate rejection.
You could have just said you liked guys.
Ah,you would have tried to turn me.
Pretty healthy self-esteem
you got there,bro.
Yeah?
Well,I wonder where I get it from.
You still think I'm pretending?
Oh,my god.
You're an aries.
Look,promise me that you're
not gonna say anything.
No,I'll let you drop that bomb.
You are telling him,zack.
Look,I -- I've been waiting
for this moment my whole life.
You know,I mean,I can't just tell him.
I want him to like me first.
You know,I want to make it at reveal on my
own merits, not because I'm the boss' son.
Okay,seriously,being duncan's
offspring has no perks whatsoever.
I want to make it at reveal
just as much as you do,
and the guy has me
alphabetizing his junk mail.
Look,I-I have a plan,cam,you know.
The plan is for him to
respect me and then I tell him,
and,you know,then he's
understandably thrilled.
Maybe you need to consider a plan "B."
You're making orange chicken.
You are the perfect woman.
You're not still upset that I didn't
sleep with your friend,are you?
No.
Just disappointed.
Why do we have a picture of
wilford brimley on our fridge?
It's your cousin george's new baby.
Doesn't she look just like her father?
Yes.
Oh,no. Don't cry.
I'm sure she'll grow into her chins.
You know,that's the hardest part.
Yes,I wanted to have a baby for myself,
but I really wanted to have your baby.
I wanted to look into a little,round
face and see your smile
your eyes.
I have horrible vision.
Your sense of humor.
You're really the only
person who thinks I'm funny.
And now all this.
'S just going to end with you.
No more karl.
Okay.
You want more karl,you'll get more karl.
I don't want you to have
a baby with a stranger,
and marla's never going to be
able to handle the in vitro.
- She can't do needles.
- I know.
I'll try and make a baby with
marla the old-fashioned way.
For yoU for us.
For the world.
No more documentaries,okay?
I feel a little weird making out with
you while orphans are having a dance-off.
It was a spelling bee.
Wh can I see you again?
Um,how's thursday dinner? Wait.
Is it wrong for me to put
"late-night romp" in my pda?
You knowactually,katie used to list
her dates as karate,cello lessons.
She's got a new boyfriend now,right?
Yeah,yeah. He seems
-- he seems great.
We should all go out sometime.
She hates me.
No,no,it's just that you and i can
barely schedule a date for ourselves.
Well,I know how important she is to
you. I just want to get to know her.
Yeah,I just don't think katie's
a big double-date kind of girl.
And,you know,she just
started seeing oliver,so --
and she's in love with you.
What?
There's always "the friend katie" that
the guy's just a little too close to.
She doesn't want to befriend me
because she doesn't want me to exist.
That's completely untrue.
I've known her forever.
We work together.
Oh,no.
Someone parked within
Don't mock my love for my hybrid.
Oh,man,I've got a lot of
competition for your affection.
Taxi!
Oliver?
Maybe it was his sister.
No. They were making out.
Maybe he and katie have an
understanding. You never know.
No,I know katie. Trust me.
There's no understandings.
Hey,we're talking about his
good friend katie here,okay?
She is emotionally invested in this guy.
Brody and his ***
think you should tell her.
I'm -- I'm
gonna tell her.
I-I have to tell her.
I just have to pick the right time.
Like after they've broken up,and
she's found somebody better.
I'll switch places with you.
I'll crush katie.
You sleep with my
ex-mistress for my wife.
You have the strangest little life.
It's not funny.
When I broke the seal
on my *** for marla,
I never thought it would close back up.
I'm terrified to break it
again. She's like a drug.
I really feel for you,karl.
Man,that's a hell of
a situation you're in.
You want to get to that
favor you're gonna ask us,
or are you gonna keep
kissing our *** all day?
There's no favor.
Well -- well,I was gonna
ask if you guys minded
if I invited janelle's father
to golf with us tomorrow.
Oh,come on,guys.
He's in town getting an award.
Well,I can'T.
I got high tea with hitler.
I'm being impaled on a post.
I'm his ride.
All right,so,he's the antichrist,but he
is janelle's father and she adores him.
Nobody said war was gonna be
pretty,gentlemen,so I need to know --
who's in the foxhole
with their friend
and who's not?
Not.
- Sorry.
- No.
You guys want to take a
little more time with that?
Okay,fine.
Tell alex tomorrow night
at osteria del ducci.
Really? A double date?
Well,oliver got this strange
idea in his head that you like me.
What?
Well,I guess he thinks I'm just
so wonderful,how could you not?
Oh,that must be it.
I think the best way to
defuse the situation is for him
to see you happy with
your *** girlfriend.
Who thinks you're in love with me.
You're kidding.
Why is this happening now?
It's what happens when
men and women are friends.
We never had to worry about it
before because you re married.
Oh,and tomorrow night,try
not to look likeyou love me.
Working late?
Oh,you do recognize work
when you see it. Good to know.
I need a favor.
You have to come to dinner with the
tight-*** owner of nadia's expert beauty
and lp convince her that
I'm "father knows best."
You kn,I knew I enjoyed
irony,but this is just fun.
I understand this might require
a ttle acting on your part.
Well,the good news is,if I twist an
ankle,there is a possible understudy.
Um,we should talk.
proudly presents
Shots Season01 Episode07
There has to be some sort of mistake.
I don't even recognize
your mother's name.
And there's no way he had sex with
a woman whose name he didn't know.
My mom,uh,tended bar at this dive
in jersey city called scrappy'S.
She said
that you --
you closed the place down one
night and she gave you a ride home.
I think you're gonna have to
narrow the field a bit more.
- Cam.
- What?
It just doesn't sound like
it's ringing any bells.
There are no bells to
ring this is a mistake.
My mom was a really good dart player.
She'd do this thing where she'd con
new customers into doubling her tip
by betting them she could score
a bull's-eye from behind the bar,
and that's -- that's
how she got her nickname.
Bullzee?
You knocked up a jersey
city bartender named bullzee?
No,I'm sure I was one of about
Hey,you spend the night
drinking kamikazes.
See how choosy you are.
Does the kid look like you?
He's not my kid,karl.
Well,you're gonna have
to get a paternity test.
His timing couldn't be any worse.
I got that deal with nadia's
expert beauty coming up.
Hello,sports fans!
Well,here comes the
cardboard king of cleveland.
Well,all this place needs is a
windmill and a snow-cone machine.
Hey,mr.Cooper.
You remember the
guys.This is --
yeah,I remember.
I've only met them like 109 times,brody.
Uh,it's good to see you again,siR.
You're getting a
divorce,huh? What'd you do?
Oh,and you.
Learn how to shake a hand yet?
No.
How do you do business with
that dead fish for a paw?
Oh,and then we have the pretty boy here.
Uh,you wearing your own eye shadow yet?
All right,guys. Let's go play some golf.
Can'T. Meeting.
Can'T. Lunch.
Can'T. Lunch meeng.
Get my three-wood.
So,do we need to talk,or are we good?
About my feelings of
possibly having a brother?
Only if you take me for ice
cream and watch the sunset.
I'll wait until the
paternity test comes back.
I don't like to expend
emotion unnecessarily.
Well,we know whose daughter you are.
So,what do I need to know
about this dinner with nadia?
They want to be the next sephora,right?
Well,you don't have to worry about that.
You just be charming,act
like you adore me.
You're kind of making it hard.
Duncan,you need to take me seriously.
I'm here because I want
to know about the business.
I want a career at
reveal,outside of the mailroom.
Let's just get through this
deal,and we'll talk,okay?
Thank you.
Are you waiting for me to die?
Your mother drank a lot when
she was pregnant with you,huh?
Janelle's really excited
about the awards ceremony.
I want to talk to you about that.
Yeah,I got it.
You don't want me to go.
No. I want you to give
my introduction speech.
Really? Me?
Well,don't start crying
or anything,gertrude.
My friend bill was gonna do it.
He's having gallbladder surgery.
Johnny's on a cruise with his wife.
I could ask one of the neighbors, but
I'm not paying to fly them out here.
I'm touched you asked me.
You see this golf ball?
It's worth more than you.
Nixon gave me this ball.
You golfed with nixon?
No. We played badminton,and
he gave me a golf ball.Geez.
Are you going to give me room or do I
have to swing with you riding piggyback?
Are you gonna get that,or what?
One hell of a house call,huh?
Yeah.
So,you know,I heard about
that deal with nadia'S.
That should be great for reveal.
Yeah.
I've read a lot about nadia.
She's annteresting woman.
Do you know she was a missionary?
Where's this conversation going?
Nowhere. I just,uh,I just am
really interested in the company.
I'm not trying to cause any trouble.
I know it wouldn't be a good time for people
to find out you have an illegitimate son.
Look,I respect that you're
-- you're a self-made man.
You know,that's what I want to be.
I just want to follow in your footsteps.
What,uh
what else do you know about nadia?
Everything that's ever been written.
You know,I could put together
a little doser if you'd like.
Some press clippings,bullet points.
Okay. Fine.Thanks.
Hi. This is lisbeth.
Leave your message after the tone.
Hey. It's me.
I need to see you.
There's something I want
to talk to you about.
Call me back.
So
should we go over your visualization
techniques one more time?
- No.
- No.
Okay,then.
Well,I guess it's time.
Good luck.
Remember,the higher
marla's pelvis,the better.
What the hell is that?
Whales.
Wendy says it helps with relaxation.
I'm not having sex to whale sounds.
I just want to get this over with.
Zip in and zip out.
What happened to the whales?
Karl didn't like them.
Okay.
Well good luck.
For under marla's back.
Helps with fertility.
Please tell me you're locking the dooR.
I-I-I can't work
under these conditions.
How am I supposed to make a baby with
my wife popping in and out of the room?
I just know I'm gonna spend the entire
dinner glaring at this oliver guy.
Which will probably support his
thinking that you're after his girl.
I wish I knew what
the story was with him.
You want me to get one of the
private investigators I work with
to dig around a little
bit,find out about the guy?
Yeah,brody. That would be great.Thanks.
You see that?
That's called support.
That's friendship.
We're not playing golf with
your *** in-law again.
Yeah,all right. I didn't ask you to.
How are you gonna give
a speech about that guy?
I can't think of a single
nice thing to say about him.
Well,I'm pretending to write
about someone I lo and admire.
Me?
Me.
Hey,buck up over there,karl.
It's perfectly understandable that
you couldn't have sex with your
ex-mistress with your wife in the next room.
You need to do what you used to do.
You know,no altars,no sound machines.
No wife.
Yeah,in a hotel room.
Down and dirty. Like god intended.
It'd be like cheating all over again.
But just for the afternoon.
Well
I'm glad you're all here.
- Oh,my
- oh,my
eyes forward there,pretty boy.
Now,I know I cannot
rely on my son-in-law,
so I'm here to remind you all that it
is black-tie optional tomorrow night,
which means black tie to you and
me,and you better all come together
'cause I don't want any
stragglers making me look bad.
What are you laughing at?
I was looking for you.
I need you to man the copy
machine while I go on a coffee run.
What are you doing?
Uh,duncan asked me to put together some
information about nadia's expert beauty.
Seriously?
Yeah. I told him I'd
have it done by tonight.
Can you,um,can you do the
coffee run on your own?
I really want to show him what I can do.
Oh,and,uh,someone needs to
pick up his dry cleaning.
Thanks,cam. You're the best.
The problem with most businesses
stems from a lack of family values.
People are so concerned
with making a living.
They don't care about making
a life,setting an example.
I couldn't agree more.
That's one of the reasons that
I hired my daughter at reveal.
So we could spend more time together.
Oh,that's lovely.
What do you do at reveal,cameron?
Oh,I fetch coffee.
Sometimes I get to press the big
green button on the copy machine.
She's kidding.
I'm not.
I should hire you as the office
comedian,is what I should do.
Oh,that would mean I have an actual job.
Sweetie.
"Sweetie"?
Sorry. He usually calls me camikins.
- It's a pet name.
- Cameron.
You see,the truth about duncan as
a father -- he was never around.
And the only reason I'm here
now instead of making copies is
because he wants to
make a deal with you.
Thanks for dinner.
Well,I guess this deal
isn't gonna happen now,huh?
Actually,there's still
a chance that it might.
You've got quite the reputation,duncan.
You're the best one-night
stand in new york.
I'd love to find out what
all the hype is about.
Are you gonna get kicked out of the
daughters of american revolution for this?
It's part of my patriotic duty.
Pursuing happiness.
God bless americA.
Duncan collinsworth.
Exactly what I needed.
A good time.
You're my very first man ***.
You need to be the one in charge,huh?
I don't think this is a good idea.
What?
You're a -- you're a very
desirable woman,nadia,
but I don't think I'm that guy anymore.
Sure,you are.
No,no. I-I don't think I am.
Sometime this year,karl.
I've got rock body explosion in an hour.
I'm just gonna start.
This is ridiculous.
Fine.
Now,just relax,okay?
Don't think about anything.
Just let yourself feel.
No. I'm sorry.
I can't do this,even
if wendy wants me to.
What ds that mean?
It means i was afraid to sleep with you
because I thought I wouldn't be
able to stop,but the truth is,
I can't sleep with you because
I really do love my wife.
That's almost sweet,karl.
And if I'm ever gonna have
the kind of marriage I want,
then I can't keep
secrets from her anymore.
Meaning?
I have to tell wendy about our affair.
No. You can'T.
It'll ruin everything.
She's my best friend.
Well,I can't keep this from her anymore.
What are you doing here?
Uh,yeah,sorry to bother you at home,
but I,uh,finished
that report on nadia'S.
I think reveal would be
smart to do a deal with her.
Uh,the deal's dead.
What?
Nadia wanted me to sleep with her
but I wanted not to.
They teach you about
that in business school?
Um,I might have missed that day.
Um,so -- so there's --there's
way she'd change her mind?
It's over.
Trust me.
Thanks,uh,for the report.
Uh,yeah.
No problem.
Hi.
Where -- where
have you been?
I've been trying to
get in touch with you.
I know.
Duncan,we can't keep doing this.
Doing what?
I'm marrying terrence.
Things have to change.
We still share a daughter,lisbeth.
I don't care who you're marrying.
I'm sorry.
I didn't think this was about cam.
It's not just about cam.
It's not about us,either.
I just really need to talk to my friend.
Wherare you hurrying off to?
I-I forgot I was
supposed to show a house,
and I'm way past my
standard 20 minutes late.
They're beautiful.
I won't be long. I promise.
Love you.
So,you really don't understand
why cam is acting so strange.
Is it a girl thing?
No.
She's afraid that she's gonna lose you.
You possibly have a son.
She's worried that
he's gonna replace her.
"Replace her"?
Get someone else to take
her spot pushing me away?
She doesn't want anything
to do with me half the time.
You need to reassure her
that she's not gonna lose you.
Of course she's not.
I doubt that kid's even my son.
- Do you like him?
- Who?
Zack?
At least he's full-grown.
I can't do too much damage.
Well,if anyone can find a
way to screw him up,ou can.
You're gonna be just fine.
Listen,thanks for coming to help.
And do me a favor -- don't tell
anybody that I'm falling apart,okay?
So,how did things go
with the house you showed?
Same old story -- the wife
liked it,and the husband didn'T.
So you made the sale.
You know,I'm gonna go
get us some more wine.
Would you like the same,or
would you like some merlot?
Merlot would be great.
Okay.
It's me.
Listen,are you still interested in
that information on duncan collinsworth?
Oh,yeah,I told you.
It's very juicy.
So,oliver,has she
dragged you antiquing yet?
Not really.
Let me guess.
You had lunch and accidentally
stumbled across this little shop
she had no idea was there.
Yeah. Like five times.
Well,let's see,james. What about you?
What? What about me?
I'm sure alex enjoys the five
minutes of "sportscenter" that
you have to watch for 20 minutes
before you can leave your house.
He does. He watches
the same highlights over
and over Like it's the
zapruder film or something.
Excuse me. I've got to take this.
Hey,brody,what's up?
- Yeah,I just got off the phone with my P.I.Friend.
- And?
Yeah,that oliver guy?
Married seven years.
Lives on the upper
east side with his wife.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
I'm sorry,man.
Thanks.
Is everything okay,james?
Yeah,I'm sorry.
Uh,we've got to go.
A work thing.
"A work thing"?
Yeah. I can't get into it right now.
I mean,can you at least stay
for a quick cup of coffee?
Uh,no,oliver,I can'T.
Brody: And I can tell you that larry
is the same man on the job as he is off.
Business leader,sure,but
devoted husband,loving father.
Frankly,a man among men.
Is he pulling this off?
In closing
he is.
A lot of you may be saying,
"larry cooper is the
luckiest man alive."
Well,he's not. I am.
Because I got to marry his
beautiful,brilliant daughter,
and I got him as
a father-in-law.
Congratulations,larry. Congratulations.
Thanks,arnie. I appreciate that.
Hey,arnie.
Well done.
Thank you,sir. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
You know,the only thing
would have made that
more perfect is if you were
wearing a dress,maybe a tiara.
I don't know whether that was a speech
or the lyrics to a carly simon song.
Tell me the truth,will ya?
Is my daughter your beard?
You want the truth from me?
Then you answer me a question.
Is janelle really your daughter?
Because there's no way that
sweet,beautiful girl shares your genes.
You know her mother
screwed around on you,
perhaps while you
were out stealing souls
or crushing kittens or whatever
demons from hell did during those days.
The truth is,you are an
insufferable blowhard,
and if you didn't have money,
no one would speak to you other
than to say,"*** off,fat ***!
Don'T.
Help!
Waiter!
Mr.Cooper..
You are gonna be fine.
The paramedics are just taking you
to the hospital for observation,okay?
Is -- is there anything
I can do for you?
I think you've done enough.
Sir,I-I really apologize
for what I said
after the speech.
The speech was the truth. Every word.
I love your daughter,and it's really
important to her that you and I get along.
So
I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell her
that I caused your collapse.
Fine.
Thank you,sir.
Thank you so much.
I own you now.
What is going on?
I don't like that guy.
- don't like that guy?
- No,i don't like that guy.
And I don't know why this
always happens to her.
She gets mixed up with these losers
who aren't worth two minutes of her time
and not nearly good enough for her.
Is anybody gonna be good enough for her?
Look,she's my friend,alex,and
I worry about her.
I understand.
And I have friends,and
they worry about me,too.
And they worry that I'm
standing in front of someone that
I'm crazy about who's busy
thinking about somebody else.
I'm gonna get a cab. Good night.
What the hell is going on?
Uh,all right,I-I hate
to have to tell you this,
okay,but your -- your
boyfriend,he's married.
I'm so sorry.
This isn't what you deserve.
You're an amazing person.
I know,james.
I know that oliver is married.
No matter how awful you
think I am right now
I think I'm worse.
Look,what you do is your own business.
I hate myself for this,james.
Never in a million years did i
think I'd be with a married man,
but I've been alone for so long.
What makes you think the pain
of being alone is worse than
the pain of how his wife is
gonna feel when she finds out?
What makes you think that it isn't?
When's the last time
you were alone,james?
Your marriage ended. And two
weeks later you were dating.
Yeah,my marriage ended because my
wife cheated on me. You remember?
I've had no one.
Balloon guy,nascar guy.
The men in my life --
they've been our jokes.
He cares about me.
He wants to know about me.
And when I'm with him,I
feel smart,I feel sexy.
You're always smart and sexy,katie.
You just waste your time with these
idiots who aren't good enough for you.
Do you have any idea how hard
it is for me to find a guy
I like being with as much
as I like being with you?
I have to go.
We couldn't be more pleased,nadia.
Oh,thank you.
I'm very happyabout working with reveal.
Good work,duncan.
Thanks.
You look surprised.
I am.
What changed your mind?
You have a very persuasive son.
Hey. Congratulations.
What the hell did you do?
nadia?
Um,I-I did what needed to be done.
You know,I-I looked at the situation,
and I thought,"what would
duncan collinsworth do?
So,the deal with nadia's
expert beauty went through.
What's a girl got to do
to ruin things for you?
You tried your best.
I should have thrown a drink at you.
It wasn't enough of a scene.
You're not gonna be replaced.
You mean fired?
No. I mean in my affections.
I'm not worried about being replaced.
I'm worried you'll like him more
if he's your son,which
he probably isn't,
but we should iron this out now
because we'll probably have to
go down this road again sometime.
He is my son.
I got a call from the lab this morning.
And -- and -- and
we'll deal with that.
Look,I can't make up for
the years I wasn't around,
but I can be here for you from now on
if you'll let me.
You can try pushing me
away,but I'm not going anywhere.
Don't underestimate
my ability to alienate.
I'm gonna say this. Ready?
How about letting your
old man buy you lunch?
We need to talk.
There's something I
have to tell you,wendy.
But before I do,I need you to know
I truly,with every fiber
of my being,love you.
I know.
And hurting you
-- it kills me.
You don't have to tell me,karl.
- Marla told me everything.
- What?
She told me about the
secret meeting in the hotel.
She did?
I know that you couldn'T
perform.
That is the sweetest thing
anyone has ever not done for me.
I love you so much,karl.
I think
we should start talking
about adopting a baby.
To nadia's expert beauty.
What's wrong with you?
I think I got hypothermia
fromfishing out nixon's golf ball.
I can't feel my legs.
Remember --
he owns me.
Hey,look,duncan,you're on tv.
Already?
Good news travels fast.
Turn it up,jimmy.
Dontrelle,formerly
known as donald baker,
has several previous
prostitution convictions.
Duncan collinsworth,C.E.O.Of
reveal cosmetics,
was the most notable client in
the pre-op transexual's black book.
In other news,stocks
dipped sharply this
They fired me.
Effective immediately.
I'm so sorry,dad.
Thanks.
proudly presents
Shots Season01 Episode07