Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Hey Everybody, I'm Lori Petro and you are watching another episode of our weekly Q&A
where I show you how to create TEACHable Moments with your kids.
Today's question comes from Marina. And Marina writes, my little one keeps throwing food
at the dinner table. It's really not ok to waste food. How can
I be more gentle and positive? In the past I have put him in time out or we end up either
yelling or bribing. My son gets upset and now even refuses to sit in his highchair for
dinner. My husband grew up in family with very strict rules around dinner and I am desperate
to help my son because it really upsets my husband. What can we do?.
Oh the stress of dinner time and table manners.
Marina - you have highlighted something important.---We can bring a lot of baggage and beliefs and
possibly some control issues around food and table manners and what is proper and respectful.
Sometimes focusing too much, too long or too *** how much our kids eat, how they eat,
or how much they interrupt OUR eating.
This gradually progresses into mealtimes which are less and less enjoyable. And it can be
hard to let go of those cherished family traditions long enough to help our children internalize
the importance of certain customs, and expectations.
Just because we loosen the rules - doesn't mean that we let go of the values or have
any less respect for tradition - only that we acknowledge that our kids start out - unable
to understand what it means to us - so we give them some leeway while they're learning.
You want to consciously acknowledge your triggers - especially around wasting food or disrespecting
the customs and breathe through it so you can re-focus on making conscious adjustments
and investigating the root causes of behavior.
At two -- his behaviors likely revolve around how he feels about certain variables such
as: the amount of confinement dinner requires
how much fun and play it provides or how much attention this action is getting
me. or how much are my other needs being met through
these current behaviors or how much attention he spent on ignoring
his needs.
Kids have valid needs to be mostly connected the people around them.
But it is important to recognize that your child is unable to make your mealtime enjoyable
without your cooperation. He needs you but he can't fulfill your needs.
I would suggest that you first, Tip #1. Adjust your expectations of behavior.
Accept that young children cannot possibly be expected to sit quietly through meals.
And at two, your child is far too young to comply with your requests not to throw the
peas on the floor. He needs an environment which supports his skill level by giving him
access to what he can handle and gradually increasing his skill level by giving him more
and more opportunities to practice those emerging skills.
You can say:
"You wanted to throw something." "Peas are for eating. If you want to eat the
peas, you do it like this." "If you want to throw - we can throw balls
after dinner."
Steer away from words and consequences that challenge his ability to display the skills
you desire, especially when the expectation of behavior is beyond his level of maturity.
At two – his brain isn’t that sophisticated to override his impulses with thinking and
“behaving” Food is still new, it is has cool textures,
kids still use their mouths to explore and making a mess can be a challenge that lasts
well past early childhood for the kid who learns through touch and tactile experiences.
So adjust your expectations of behavior to his stage of brain development and respond
with feedback that tells him about his situation, models the appropriate action and then sets
the limit with confidence and without negating his honest intention to meet a valid need.
My next ideas is to consider:
Tip #2. What message am I sending? Be aware of the messages you are sending with your
reactions to him. Is it the message you are intending?
Ask yourself: Are my actions encoding neural pathways to respectful positive communication
in his brain? Or am I reinforcing a fear state with my behavior?
Time out will do the latter and over time build resentment. He may be fascinated with
the cause and effect of throwing.
It could be his way of getting your attention or making a connection with you so he can
learn more about the world through your responses to him.
Are you overreacting or showing a lot of desperation and anger in your attempts to control this
behavior. What message is this sending him? That people
get angry – but not much about HOW to resolve his internal conflict and lack of skill with
your need for acceptable behaviors.
Reacting with harshness, punitive consequences or impatience to a small child who is having
a hard time controlling his behaviors or stopping his natural impulses will only turn up the
volume on his stress response.
A child with little experience in managing or coping with conflict but a strong desire
to experience the world and learn about boundaries is using you as a barometer as he determines
what is 'SAFE" through watching and engaging YOU.
Tip #3. Which leads me to my next tip - Change your behavior from frustrated to remain calm
and even-tempered in your responses.
Instead of blaming him for his lack of maturity:
"I gave you enough chances, to sit in this chair - now you're going in time-out"
Try something like,
“When we eat, we have to sit down.” “It looks like you can't sit down, so let's
clean up our dinner.”
Honor his intentions to connect with you.
“Did you want me to look at you?” “I bet my face looked funny when I turned
around?” “It surprised me when you threw the food."
Your child is watching you and creating emotional memories by observing you.
Your child needs to record emotional experiences that feel safe and predictable if any positive
behavioral learning is going to happen.
He also needs you to be intimately involved in this slow to surface skill of controlling
our behavior.
My last tip would be to set up the environment to support both your needs
I know that in some cultures mealtimes are given a certain level of respect and sometimes
those expectations can play a large role in our frustrations and our decisions.
child is developmentally capable of handling the request.
If he's in a phase of throwing food, you can say : "I can't let you throw the food. Food
is for eating - like this." Feed him first and let him play while adults
are eating. So you can control the environment to meet your needs while he is still learning
Share your traditions and celebrate rituals in kid friendly ways. Help your child participate
in bring the food to the table deepening his sense of belonging and contribution which
will support his growth naturally create conditions where he is more likely to feel good and therefore
able to access his positive behaviors. Sit face to face with his high chair - actively
connect with him - through eye contact and the sharing of food by exchanging it hand
to hand, rather than rushing around the table or expecting him to eat properly without close
attentive support.
Instead of, "If you throw this one more time - dinner
is over." "If you just eat three more bites you can
get down"
Try something like,
“I know it's hard not to throw the food. It's fun to play with. I'm going to help you."
Then, hand him his food piece by piece or place individual small bites on his plate
so you don't have to worry about him throwing it.
If he complains or resists, be okay with that. If he throws it, you can end the meal kindly
and without force.
“It doesn't look like you are able to eat without throwing right now. I can't let you
throw anymore food. Let's try again later.”
As you respect your child's honest intentions to meet his needs AND his stage of development,
Eventually he will be able to consider your requests and respect the rules and then mealtimes
can be a time of sharing and re-connecting after the day.
So Marina - that was my TEACHable Moment for you. I hope that you found some gentle suggestions
for promoting your son's growth and communicating in positive ways, and a little peace of mind
knowing that he WILL mature with time and patience.
What about you guys? What are your meal time triggers - or if you have older kids - can
you give any words of wisdom on how to let it go.
I think that one of the hardest parts of parenting is to practice our own self-regulation.
Many of the behaviors in early childhood are tiring and can test the limits of all of us.
So make sure that you aren't taking too much, too seriously, too soon.
And If you liked this video, make sure you are on my list - so you can get my updates
as well as some specials goodies. And of course if you think someone else might benefit then
go ahead and LIKE it and share it with a friend.
And if you want more tips and tools like this - be sure to check out my upcoming series
- Conscious Communication. if you've ever felt stuck - not knowing what to say without
blame, shame, judgment or guilt and are left wondering what to say to your kids, you'll
want to check out this 3 week love online course.
Thank you everyone for watching. Have a great week and remember it's about consciousness
not perfection.