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Daddy, will you help me with my homework?
Okay.
Mmm-hmm.
"Billy Beaver has $500 to build a house.
"If he spends $100 on lumber
"and $100 on bricks,
"how much does Billy Beaver have left?"
Three hundred dollars?
Well, in Beaver Town, maybe.
But in reality Billy Beaver's gonna burn
through that $300 really fast.
I mean, you got workman's comp,
you got overhead, you got permits, honey.
(CHUCKLES) Unless you got a buddy down at City Hall, wink, wink.
I say the real answer would be
minus $500.
So put that down, and if your teacher has a problem with it,
have her call me.
What's next?
Mommy, will you help me with my homework?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHUCKLING)
What?
What?
Well, just that, you know, we're at a big fancy party.
Yes.
And I ain't wearing no underwear.
Oh, God.
And nobody knows.
Why do you do that?
Well, it's my way of rebelling against the beautiful people.
"The in crowd." Whatever you wanna call them.
Yeah, there you go.
Hey!
Okay. I need you to start laughing.
Why?
Behind me, our regional director. He thinks I'm cold.
Okay.
But not too big or he'll think
I said something off-color.
My laughs aren't for sale.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, come on!
I am no warmer or funnier than the next person.
Can I stop laughing now?
Not yet.
And...now.
Ouch!
Oh! You know what? I want you to meet my new friend Lisa.
She just got transferred here.
She is smart and outgoing. Just a great gal.
Oh, that sounds like someone I have no interest in meeting.
(CHERYL GROANS)
I'll be at the bar.
Jim!
Oh...
You know what's a funny name for a city?
Bangkok.
I mean, think about it.
You know? ***...
Hi, baby.
How are you doing?
Hey, you're missing all the fun.
I don't think so.
No, I've been to
Japan,
Mexico.
And this impish little lager
is my passport to Germany.
Oh, I see. Will you turn around?
I want you to meet my friend Lisa.
I'd love to meet your friend Lisa.
(EXCLAIMS) Jimmy!
DANA: What? You two know each other?
Uh, yeah. Um...
Well, yeah. Jimmy and I went out...
We dated for, like, what? A month and a half?
A year and a half.
Oh.
A year and a half?
Him?
Why?
I don't know. Did you ever just
not get a movie that everyone else loves?
Well, look at you, Jim. You're married!
Oh!
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Well, I can't wait to meet them.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Maybe we'll do that sometime.
What?
Well, uh, Jim, I invited her for dinner on Saturday night.
Is that okay? Is it too weird?
Oh...
That's not weird!
I mean, you know?
My ex-girlfriend and my wife sitting down to dinner.
Oh.
Warren Beatty?
You didn't laugh at my thing.
What is the Arabic word for "sandstorm"?
What's Arabic?
Ooh! Sorry.
The answer is haboob.
My turn.
Uncle Andy, this is too hard.
Oh. Okay.
How about an easier one?
What color is Barney?
Purple!
Too bad that's not a real question.
Now, what silent film actress...
So uninvite her. Don't blame me.
I'm gonna blame you.
Oh, look who's up!
BOTH: Mommy! Daddy!
Oh, my girls, hello.
You know what? It's very late.
Uncle Andy, would you put them in bed
and we'll be right up?
Even though I'm not their parents, okay.
Good night, girls.
GIRLS: Love you.
Love you more.
Love you.
All I'm saying is,
next time you invite someone over for dinner,
make sure I haven't slept with them.
I don't see why it's such a big deal for Lisa to come over.
It is a big deal, honey.
Come on, think about it, Cheryl.
Just think about it.
When the ex-girlfriend and the wife get together,
it's a nasty cocktail.
What?
If I uninvite her now, I look like the jealous wife.
Besides, you know, I want her to come. I like her.
(SIGHS)
Jim?
Jim?
Jim?
Cheryl, you better sit down.
Actually, you know what? It's gonna be tougher on me.
Oh.
Cheryl, what I'm about to tell you,
you may not believe.
But Lisa dumped me.
All right. Now, let's not judge here, okay?
I mean, in her defense,
I wasn't the catch then that I am now.
(EXHALES)
Wow!
I feel so much better, honey.
I feel like an 80-pound weight
has been lifted off my shoulders.
Honey, why didn't you just tell me this before?
Oh, Cheryl, I wanted to. But it just...
It's embarrassing. I mean, think about it.
Cheryl, Lisa dumped me.
Oh.
It took me a long time to get over it.
I mean, you can understand that, can't you?
Well...
One time it took a guy a couple of hours to call me back.
Does that count?
No, that doesn't.
(LAUGHS) Oh, honey!
Of course I understand
why you might not want her to come over for dinner.
But, you know, honey, we're all adults here, right?
Yeah.
And wouldn't it be nice to get past this?
(SIGHS) Yeah, I guess.
Yeah. Good then.
It's settled. Just wear underwear.
They're waiting for you to tuck them in.
Gracie bit me.
She did?
Yeah. She wouldn't spit out her gum, so I went in after it.
Oh, hey! Hey, how did it go tonight?
What do you mean?
Well, at Dana's party, guess who Cheryl met?
Lisa Christie.
Oh, my God. Your Lisa Christie?
Uh-huh. And you know what's worse?
She invited her over for dinner Saturday night.
Uh-oh.
How much does Cheryl know?
I just told her that Lisa dumped me, that's it.
That's all.
You didn't tell her about...
No, no. Nothing else. Nothing else.
But that's where you come in.
When Lisa comes over for dinner Saturday night,
I need you to create some kind of diversion.
I don't care.
Whatever you do best.
I am not gonna make love to your ex-girlfriend on the dining room table.
(LAUGHTER)
So, I am looking all over the mall for Jim, right?
And, big surprise, I find him asleep in the massage chair
in front of the big-screen TV.
No, wait. And there's this whole group
of Japanese tourists around him
taking pictures, 'cause they think he's part of the display.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, God, Jimmy! That is so you.
All right. All right, go ahead.
Everybody make their fun. Go on.
Oh, come on, it's a good story, Jimmy.
CHERYL: Oh, hon, come on.
You know, she's the only person who's ever called me that.
Honey, look, I could have told a lot of romantic stories too,
but I'm killing with this stuff.
CHERYL: Oh!
(LAUGHS) You don't have to tell me how romantic Jimmy is.
This is the guy that shows up in front of my apartment
with a horse and carriage...
(COUGHS LOUDLY)
Andy, Andy.
Jim!
DANA: Andy, are you okay?
Oh. We had pork chops.
I didn't say it was from today.
Anyway, go on.
Well, he rents this...
Yeah. How about topping me off?
And he fills it with flowers.
(SCREAMING)
(WOMEN EXCLAIM)
Andy, it's just lukewarm.
Oh.
I guess I expected it to be hot.
And therefore gave the appropriate response one would give
to the anticipated stimulus.
Okay, Lisa, go on.
Well, um, we drove around Grant Park
for about an hour and then...
And then we called it a night.
Well, I mean, it wasn't the greatest story,
but you told it so well, Lisa.
Okay, time for lovely Cheryl's upside-down cake.
And we'll stop making fun of me, okay?
Please.
You know we do it because we love you.
Aw!
You know, if I'd have said yes to Jim's proposal that night,
you would not be married to this great guy.
You proposed?
(SCREAMS)
Cheryl, I wasn't quite done with that pork chop.
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING)
And people wonder why giant alligators survive in the sewers.
There's your answer.
You are unbelievable.
What? I told you. I told you she dumped me.
Yeah. But you didn't tell me that you asked her to marry you.
Yes.
Well...
I'm gonna tell you right now.
I want you to know that I proposed to Lisa.
Whoo!
Wow!
All of a sudden I just feel
this huge weight off my shoulder.
Like, 80 pounds?
Exactly.
I mean, I just feel so light.
I can just dance around.
Cheryl, what're you doing the dishes for?
We got people here. We didn't even finish dinner.
Jim, it soothes me.
Dishes don't have secrets.
Oh, Cheryl.
How could you not tell me that you proposed to another woman?
(EXCLAIMS) I meant to tell you,
but you know, you're always either pregnant
or there's something good on TV or...
You know, we lead busy lives, Cheryl.
Do you know what bothers me the most?
The way you proposed to Lisa.
The carriage and the flowers.
Everything was so romantic.
The way I proposed to you was romantic too.
Uh, we were in a bar.
You were goofing around, you poured beer on my head.
Fine, fine.
I could have gotten you the carriage and the flowers
and a singing coachman.
But, you know, is that what you really wanted?
She got a singing coachman?
(EXHALES) I feel so much lighter.
You know, I always thought that beer proposal was cute,
but now I find out you could have done better. A lot better.
And you did.
Cheryl, look, when I proposed to Lisa, that wasn't me.
All right? That was just a big show.
When I proposed to you,
come on, it was fun, it was spontaneous.
And I wasn't trying to impress you.
Well, mission accomplished.
Cheryl, all I know is the best thing that ever happened to me
was Lisa turning me down.
Because now I have you.
And look at us. We're married,
we have a house, we have kids.
You know? Got each other.
Got cake we're waiting for.
I guess that beer proposal was kind of unique.
You won't see that in a Meg Ryan movie.
No.
You do love me, don't you?
Oh, honey, of course I do.
It's just that I wanna kill you.
Take your best shot. Come on, come on.
Really?
Guys, I am so sorry. Me and my big mouth.
Don't worry about it.
No, I should not have said that.
Absolutely okay.
What?
You took off your engagement ring.
No, that's 'cause I was doing dishes...
Don't do this. He never even put it on my finger.
It's the same ring?
Hey.
You know what surprises me?
How much of that cake was eaten,
considering how awkward dessert was.
I mean, that's a compliment to the chef.
Here, you left this.
You're welcome.
Come on, Cheryl.
When I gave you that ring you loved it.
What was I supposed to do? Take it back?
No.
Should have waited 11 years
and laid it on me while I was cooking dinner
for your old girlfriend.
If you recall, I begged you to cancel dinner.
So, why don't we just admit we both made mistakes
and move on?
How can you possibly think it's okay
to give me the same ring you gave Lisa?
It never touched her finger.
Come on. What do you think, it's got cooties?
Oh!
"L.C."
Lisa Christie.
You told me it stood for "Lovely Cheryl."
A lot of things, honey, stand for more than one thing.
Come on. I mean, you got, for example, AA.
Stands for alcoholics
and it also stands for those guys who tow your car.
(EXHALES)
One more letter! You are so *** about your letters.
I'm getting ready for bed.
Move!
I know you're upset but wait a minute.
Come on, it was a long time ago.
It's just a ring, honey.
You just don't get it, do you?
I don't get anything!
(SIGHS) Jim.
A ring is a symbol of love and commitment between two people.
Not three.
Cheryl...
(CLEARS THROAT) What?
I...
Got nothing.
That makes two of us.
(EXHALES)
I hate my toes.
I hate Randy Cooperman.
He called me a poo.
He did? Ugh.
You should just call him a poo right back.
Dana, no. Come on.
Call him Randy Pooperman.
DANA: Yeah.
Hello, my lovelies. Daddy's home.
BOTH: Hi, Daddy.
Daddy, can we paint your toenails?
(EXCLAIMING) Uncle Andy did them at the office already.
CHERYL: Aw...
What?
Come on outside, I wanna show you. Come on.
What are you up to?
Jeez. A guy gets caught telling a bunch of lies
and all of a sudden you don't trust him anymore?
Yeah.
Come on.
What's Daddy doing?
I don't know.
Jim! What is this?
This, my dear, is something I should have done 11 years ago.
For you.
Come on. Get in.
Honey, it's so beautiful.
I just wanna look at it for a little bit.
Okay.
It's just that I'm renting it by the hour.
Oh. Okay.
Thank you.
Honey!
This must have cost a fortune.
Well, yeah.
But if Ruby's teeth grow in straight,
we'll be in the clear.
Will you look at all this?
Uh-huh. You like it?
Oh!
And just for the record,
this is a much nicer carriage than Lisa got.
Oh, right.
Forgotten about that.
Well, then, put it out of your mind. Put it out of your mind.
(LAUGHS) I'm kidding, honey, I'm kidding.
Well...
(EXCLAIMS)
She never got this.
Open it.
Open it.
Oh!
Yeah. Exactly.
This is the bottle cap
that was on the bottle of beer
that I poured over you the night I proposed to you.
Yeah?
You saved it all these years?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
(EXCLAIMS)
Cheryl, look, I knew I was gonna propose to you.
I just didn't know I was gonna propose to you that night.
It just kind of rushed up on me.
I mean, it was that bar and...
I had a couple of beers.
Foghat was on the jukebox.
Yeah.
And you looked so beautiful that night.
And your laugh
just went right through me.
Oh.
I just got caught up in the moment. I don't know. I just...
Said it.
So that night when we got back to my place,
(EXHALING) I had the woman I wanted to marry,
I had a spare engagement ring in the junk drawer.
I thought it was fate.
Oh, well...
Now, I may have bought that ring for somebody else,
but, Cheryl, it's always belonged to you.
Oh, honey. Thank you.
Yeah.
Can I call you Jimmy now?
That is not funny. No, you can't.
(LAUGHS) It's funny.
Now, as far as the ring is concerned,
if you want me to buy you a new ring,
I'll do that. You know that.
Oh...
It's such a beautiful ring.
You know, it holds so many memories for me.
Yeah. Get me another ring.
Okay.
Driver.
Once around the block.
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Right away, governor.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Giddyup, there, Belvedere.
(SINGING BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY MOON)
(ANDY HUMMING)
Yeah, this is so much fun!
Come on!
Move it. Giddyup.
You need a drink of water, Uncle Andy?
Oh, yes. Please, I am so thirsty.
Too bad that's not a real question!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
Hmm.