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and to keep talking about jeaolusy we have Dr. Paula Bloom, Paula welcome
please, how do we empathize with
with this little creature that doesn't want this new baby in his/her house
give me some options how can we try to feel like him or her?
look, it would be the equivalent of your husband saying "you know what
i love you so much as my wife so why don't we bring in another one
why don't we bring another wife in she is going to younger, cuter
but you will get used to it right, because she is really entertaining"
and she is going to sleep with me and she will be waking you up
at night and when we go out in public everyone is going to say hi and then oh how adorable
the new wife is, she is marvelous and gorgeous. I think
that is a good way to think about what your
other child may be feeling. Paula, is there a way to prepare a child
when the second child comes. I think that conversation is important, be honest
because many times when a small child imagines a new baby the imagine a 6 or 8 month old baby
how cute, it laughs, that isn't the reality. With
my own daughter we told her "look, a new baby is coming
and it will need a lot of attention but is less interesting than you
and that is why it needs more attention and it will be a long time
until you can play with him or her". Paula,
when we already have a situation where we have 2 siblings who are a little older
and there is a very conflictual relationships, a lot of fights
as a parent it appears that they just don't get along
what can we do to try to improve, with out, I imagine, intervening too much
in this relationship. The first thing is that this is totally normal.
not only is it normal, this is very helpful for them to develop many abilities that will serve
them later. The ability to negotiate, the ability to tolerate anger
all those type of things you learn in these types of conflicts
I think, like you said, intervening is not good, however,
if there is abuse, or there is violence that that is a totally different thing
but allowing children to handle this type of thing
many times when parents do intervene they support the younger
one and they say to the older one "your brother is only 4
years old, or 6 years old or whatever", and that makes things much worse
for the older child. The older child is going to feel more alone
The older one is going to feel you are favoring the other child
it is typical, we are humans, kids come with their own personalities
so even though you may consciously say "I love my kids equally"
kids can detect when you
have more chemistry with one child over the other. Be aware of
your own reactions and then be able to cultivate wth the child you
have more conflict with
spend time with them. see what unique gifts they have.
comparing children is not good "Why don't you get the grades of your older brother?"
that doesn't help. And now putting ourself in the concrete example
where this 2 children, including adolescnets, that are arguing.
they are fighting over the same thing whether it be a toy or a computer or
clothing, what is the best attitude we can take
in that situation as a parent?Think that we are modeling
for the child how you resolve these kind of things.
for example you can say "Monday, Wednesday and Friday you have it"
Being able to shpw them so how we can do things so that they are equitable.
A negotiation, exactly. Another thing, for example
kids are very aware of who is getting more, whether it be
love or even a cookie. So one of the things that I do that can be helpful sometimes
is to say "okay, one breaks the cookie and the other one chooses". So the one that breaks the cookie in half
is going to do it more equally.
Paula, thank you so much these are very concrete examples
and useful sugestions. We hope to have you back on the show soon. Thank you