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Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2011
Wear suncream
If I could offer you only 1 tip for the future, suncream would be it
And sure, wear a high factor to start and then go down a bit to get a good tan
The rest of my advice is all just my own experience
I’ll give yiz this advice now
Enjoy being young coz one day you’ll be old and look like your man Bruce Forsyth
Trust me
In 20 years when you look back at photos of yourself
And remember how much higher than your knees your diddies were
You’ll be only raging that you didn’t get your hole more
You are fatter than you imagine
Fat ***
Don’t worry about the future
Sure you could walk out in front of a bus tomorrow
And if you’re enough of a dope, you’ll be pushed
The things you need to look out for are things you can’t see
Like ghonorea and ***
Do one thing every day that scares you
Like a crossword or the soduku in the Herald
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts
Unless you’re going to ring into the Adrian Kennedy Phone Show about it after
Don’t waste your time on jealousy
Sure there’s no one out there better than you at anything anyway
And sure you can always play with yourself
Remember condoms are great
You don’t want to end up pregnant
Especially if the bloke you’re with is some minger from Athenry that works in Supermacs
Rob his wallet and throw it away when you get his money
Gas
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life
Sure I still don’t know what I want to do with mine and I’m doing fine amn't I?
Take plenty of ***
Be kind to your knees, especially if you’re always on them
Maybe you’ll marry
Maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll get married to your man from Supermacs
And maybe you’ll buy a caravan in Tramore and go down every whit weekend
But seriously, if you do
Make sure you go see Dickie Rock coz he’s only deadly
Spit on me Dickie!
Enjoy your body
Use it to get everything you can
Don’t give a jayzis what anyone else thinks of it
Sure you could look like Enda Kenny so it could be worse
Rob
Sure you may as well, especially if you can get away with it
Dunnes won’t miss a pack of tampons
Get to know your ma and da
Although most youngones I know don’t know who their da is and they’re grand
Be nice to your brothers and sisters
You’ll need them for babysitting
Understand that friends come and go and sure like myself
If you get a bit famous you’ll find loads of friends crawling out of the woodwork
Tell them to *** off and get their own tickets to the Pussycat Dolls
Live in Limerick once but leave before you get stabbed
Live in Dundrum once but leave before you turn gay
Accept a few truths in life
Prices will go up
Enda Kenny will get sacked
U2 will split up
You’ll get old
And when you do you’ll be raging how you never had another shot of your man from Supermacs
Respect your elders
Actually don’t
They’ve had it handy
State handouts and all that
You should just find some rich *** to marry and leech them dry
Go to parties and become friends with Glenda Gilson
And your one Jackie Lavin from The Apprentice
Don't mess too much with yourself or you’ll go blind
Be careful what Chinese you buy
It could always be sweet & sour madra
And always have a look at what's inside your spring roll
Don't ever try bleach your hair with Demestos
That's just stupid
And never mix it with ***
Coz that's worse
Calpol and peach schnapps is the way forward
Don't tell anyone it was me that told you that
I don't want to get sued
Jayzis
But trust me on the suncream!
Don't drink that either