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Now it is with heavy heart
that I tell you, my flock,
that your shepherd must depart
for pastures new.
As you are no doubt aware,
my wife, Helene,
has refused to bear us an heir.
Despite God's greatest efforts
and the pipes, fingers
and prayers of the healing ring.
After 300 years at Hunderby, the
Suffolk-Finches shall be no more.
(CONGREGATION GASP)
Calm, calm, calm yourselves.
'Tis God's will.
And, after discussion with
Brother Joseph, it is decided
I shall follow his mission to Fiji.
Ooh!
Where I shall guide the natives
away from dark totems
and hoodoo-voodoo
towards the Christian light.
I will be joined by my wife
and our most loyal servant.
Geoff.
You would rather take
a monkey in a suit to Fiji than me?
At least the monkey has manners
A monkey and a ***!
Perhaps it is time you sought a new position
Mistress Suffolk-Finch? Sorry, I
still cannot get used to that name.
Please, call me Helene.
You are unwell?
Nay, I merely sought a moment
of quiet reflection.
Forgive me.
I shall leave you
in peace.
No! Please.
But your fingers
They tremble.
Yours, also.
Like two butterflies
.
.
caught in a net.
Forgive me, Helene.
But your lips seem as swelling plums
becking to be p?
Please! God help me.
I'm sorry, may we stop?
What ails thee, mistress?
I may have hada mishap.
Forgive me, since I was crippled,
my bowel can hold little more
than a bird's fist.
Poor you.
Out here, with your browny
knickerbockers,
while your husband's up there,
honking that organ.
Oh, Graham
just cannot help himself.
Poor Mistress Helene must be taken
sick with the thought of leaving us.
Go!
Mistress Helene.
I come to deliver this.
But, in truth
I come to deliver this.
Ooh! I am undone, sir!
Very good, Geoff!
Oh, Dorothy.
(KNOCKING/BANGING)
Yes, a pair of sherries
would be nice.
Is that not Geoff's duty now, sir?
He is resting.
The length of his toes
tires him at times.
(KNOCKING/BANGING)
Just two more months
of this hullabaloo, Geoff.
Sir seems almost excited to be
casting off his ancestral seat
to live amongst cannibals.
Although I suppose
you've had some practice.
Well, it will be a simple life,
fishing and swimming.
And Geoff's dusky countenance
should keep the natives at bay.
And Mistress Helene?
Oh, I'm sure she'll scare them off!
Let us pray the sea does not try to drown
her properly this time
Oh, Edmund!
Excuse me.
Edmund, we are invited to
a farewell dinner at the Foggertys'.
Oh, Mr Edmund,
perhaps we might duet?
I should enjoy that and Hesther does
the most wonderful honeyed hog.
Oh, no, tis just myself and Edmund
that have been invited.
Yum! More honeyed hog for us!
You and Geoff can stay home
and play Old Maid.
Help yourself to nibbles.
(LOUD CRUNCHING)
(CRUNCHING CONTINUES)
Perhaps I might read a holy passage
while we wait?
Oh, blast it!
My pocket gospel must have fallen
out in the carriage.
Oh, Helene!
Oh, Graham!
I shall boil over my britches
if I cannot have thee!
Oh, Graham, please!
Hmm, not there.
How curious.
I do hope that mongrel did not
mistake God's book for a bone
and chew my gospels up.
Why do we have to dine
with that crippled ***?
Ah, Hesther.
My chair caught on a ruck.
Ooh, yum.
That looks tasty, Hesther
Hope so!
Could you carve, Graham?
The snout is very crisp.
Mmm.
Thank you, Edmund, for the wine.
Very generous.
Graham does not drink.
No.
So, Edmund, you are bound for Fiji?
Yes.
I hear much
from Brother Joseph of its delights.
Yes, yes indeed.
Though the natives are said
to partake of human flesh.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Did Madam wish me to examine
Mistress Susan's splinted leg?
Methinks I saw the poor lass
listing a little.
Ohyes, thank you.
Please, bring her
to my examining room.
Pastor, Hesther, will you excuse us?
Of course, but.
you have
barely eaten a scrap, Graham!
Mmm!
No, Graham! We must not!
I am married to a goodly pastor
and I've failed him
by not bearing his child!
You are not the failure,
sweet Helene!
Your womb is big
and strong!
How I envy your soft words.
Yet I know! I know.
I too am a most treacherous scoundrel
to my poor wooden wife.
But you are bound for Fiji!
It is too much to bear!
No! We cannot!
Hush-ho, sweet Helene.
Hush-ho
(FOGGERTY GRUNTS/HELENE MOANS)
How do you find the hog, sir?
A triumph!
(HELENE GASPS LOUDLY)
(SILENCE)
Susan must be better.
Hmm.
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
Ah, Dorothy.
Your bubbly milk, sir.
Ooh, thank you.
Thank you, Geoff.
Oh, I found this, sir.
Oh, my pocket gospel!
What's this?
Dear God!
Is this spectacle coming here?
Oh.
Yes, sir,
excuse me, that must have
slipped in there by accident.
Myself and Biddy shall be attending
to heal andedify
God's unfortunatesthrough prayer.
To think people will pay
to touch these accidents of birth.
Nay.
Nay.
Tis too great a burden for
your and Biddy's withered shoulders.
I believe we should all
undertake ahealing visit.
Hmm?
(CIRCUS MUSIC)
(GROWLS)
(LAUGHS)
I'm excited!
All of us goin' to the fair!
Tis not a fair, Annie,
but an unholy freak show!
I ask that nobody gawp.
Rrgh!
Roll up! Roll up!
Witness nature's horrors
alive and bizarre
in the most hideous flesh!
Oh, look, Tom! Half man, half pony!
Penny for a ride! Fancy a go?
Oh, I wouldn't say no
to a hairy ride!
A boy with three legs
and three girls with none!
Arnold Penishands!
Come on, ladies, don't be shy.
Come and shake his hand!
A tragic spectacle.
Yes.
I suggest
we begin the Lord's work
in here.
(GRUNTING)
Have her contours wrapped round you.
Want a bosh?
(LAUGHTER)
(HISSES)
(SNIFFS)
These poor lumpen bumpkins.
Tis a most upsetting sight.
Oh, Graham!
Have you come to help them?
To help.
To heal.
To journey the aching rose
that is thy perfect mouth.
Oh, Helene! I came only to find thee!
Oh, Graham!
I hear you have a hunchback here.
Old John Whiffin?
You want to touch his lucky hump?
Maybe.
How much to touch
your lucky humps, lady?
Where is he?
Where is he? Yonder.
Rrgh! Ha-ha!
(CACKLES)
Rrgh! Ha-ha!
Ah-ha-ha!
Oh, Graham!
Forgive me.
But tell me you do not hunger
once more for my touch.
I do!
Every night my soul
doth fly loose for thee!
(SUCKS AIR)
I love thee.
Elizabeth?
My Elizabeth!
(SNIFFS)
Nay!
She smelt like summer rain.
I smelltrout.
You are blind?
She did it to me.
Elizabeth.
Where is she?
Where is she?
So, tis this humpty dumpty
has caught your eye, is it? Eh?
I want him.
You fancy a pump o' the hump?
I wish to take him from here.
Name your price.
My price
Tis not in that purse, lady.
(MOANS)
Oh
Oh!
I am arriving!
I am arriving!
I have arrived!
Help me!
Hesther Help!
Help me! But that is Hesther's cry!
Then you must go to her at once.
Please!
I love thee.
Help me, please!
(SOBS)
Hesther! Oh, Graham!
He captured me with a lasso!
Who?
That nasty man in the red hat!
Dear God, Hesther.
What are you doing here?
Looking for you!
I brought you a parsnip broth.
I thought you'd be tired from
tending to all the ugly-buglies.
Oh, Hesther.
Oh, very nice.
Whiffin's all yours.
(CHUCKLES)
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