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♪♪
(Willie) All right, this is for Missy.
(Godwin) There's Korie's contribution.
This is wonderful!
It's better than I thought.
The kids at the church
are gonna love these toys, you know it?
(Jase) What's not to love?
Look, my old tater head.
It doesn't have an eye.
(Godwin) I know it.
My dog ate it.
When he craps it out, I'll find it.
Oh...
That's pitiful.
Last week Miss Kay asked us to round up all our old toys
for the church's toy drive.
You know what the first thing the kids
What?
That's what I'm talkin' about!
Yow!
What's in this box?
(Willie) Every year it feels good knowing
that some kids will get to enjoy this stuff as much as we did.
Ah, sweet!
That ain't goin' nowhere!
That's my G.I. Joe action figure.
And every year I find somethin' that I don't wanna get rid of.
Look at that.
That's creepy.
No.
Correction-- mine.
That's my action figure that you stole.
It ain't yours, it's mine.
Nope.
That's a cute doll.
It's not a doll.
I played with this for like a year.
Yeah, you played with my toy.
Congratulations.
That's a doll, boys.
Kay, it's not a doll.
See the red on the bottom of the foot?
I marked it distinctly as mine.
Y'all are grown-- now hush.
Kay, that was mine, and he took it.
Willie has always had the same type maneuver
when acquiring the things that are not his.
It was mine, then he put some red paint on it.
I'm markin' my territory.
He has a knack for it.
If you'd have been in the Old West,
they'd of hung you for cattle-thieving'.
You would've taken a cow, put your brand on it,
and said it's my cow.
Some people would call this form of negotiation
"stealing."
It's for charity.
Mom, I'll buy a case of these for some other kids.
Not this one.
This one's sentimental.
All right, keep your doll.
It's an action figure.
(Jase) It's my action figure.
No, it's not.
>> ♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN' ♪
♪ THIS WAY ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN' ♪
♪ AND SLAVIN' ♪
♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
♪ ♪
♪♪
(Jase) Oh, man!
Some kid's gonna love that.
The best toy ever is the G.I. Joe.
I'll agree with that.
They don't make toys like that anymore.
♪♪
Used to be toys were somethin' you could take outside
to play with.
It's all electronics now.
We didn't have that stuff as kids.
And use your imagination to fill in the blanks.
Everything now has a circuit board
or some kind of app.
Or made of video games.
Video games.
Unless you're Godwin.
It's not made of video games,
it is a video game.
You know what I mean.
No, I don't.
Then I don't know what you'd use.
Hey, remember the snow camo
on the G.I. Joe?
Had the scuba guy.
Scuba guy was awesome.
I liked the medic.
Medic?
No.
It was the most boring G.I. Joe toy ever.
No.
Huh?
The medic is the most important man on the battlefield, okay?
'Cause look, hey, soldiers don't care about toys, okay?
They care about staying alive.
Si, we were kids.
We were playin' war.
When I played war as a kid, hey, we played for real.
Well, you can get off that,
'cause you ain't in the jungle no more.
Oh, hey, I'm always in the jungle, son.
(Si) Look here, war is an art,
and this is a real art, okay?
Not like the sandwich are just, you know, down there at Subway.
We're talkin' about kids playing war games.
Talkin' about playin'?
We're talkin' about survival, Jack.
Here's my personal favorite--
the art of camouflage.
In war, you become one with the jungle.
I'm like the "Predator," okay?
What they can't find, they can't kill.
Next thing you know-- pow!
You've been lasered.
You look, and you've got a big hole through your chest.
How do you think I survived in 'Nam?
None of us actually know the answer to that.
Bam!
Okay?
You're dead.
Hey, once a soldier, always a soldier, boys.
Hey, I'd be a great soldier.
You should see me play paintball.
(laughing)
It's combat.
Of all the people I can think of
that'd be terrible at paintball,
you'd be top of the list.
You don't know enough about your enemy.
That's what gets you shot.
I'm a way better shot.
I have way more hunting experience.
You're a bigger target.
Wanna put your money where your mouth is, son?
What do you have in mind, G.I. Jane?
Fine.
We'll go get the stuff, get the kids, and let's play.
Game's on.
Let's go.
You will go down.
I will paint you like a wall.
♪♪
(Jep) All right, here we go.
(hammering)
Yep.
Dude, does this look right to you?
Well, it's "straightish."
Dude, this has gotta be perfect, bro.
Jessica's expectin' like a small, little thing.
I went all the way with it.
It's gotta be perfect.
Why didn't you just have professionals do it
like you did with the roofers, man?
I wanted to do something where Jessica'd be like,
"Good job, babe."
A pat-- a pat on the ***.
Oh, boy, there we go.
(Jep) Look, when you've got a wife as hot as mine,
you've got to keep her happy... and then some.
I'm not goin' down with the ship on this one.
What?
Only problem is sometimes
I bite off a little more than I can chew.
This is "Thelma & Louise," Jack.
If we go off the cliff, we're goin' together.
But you're Thelma, I'm Louise.
She was the hot red-headed one.
Thelma better have been the one drivin'.
You ever see that video where the anaconda tries to
swallow the hippo?
(whistling)
(imitating explosion)
That's a big cliff.
That's where I'm at right now.
I'm tellin' ya, man,
Jess is gonna kill me if we don't get this right.
Mmm.
Hmm.
This ain't right.
♪♪
(Jase) All right, I'll take John Luke.
All right, Cole, man, get your butt over here.
I'll take you.
Winner take all.
And the G.I. Joe.
And the G.I. Joe.
Are y'all ready to play?
Hey, you idiot, there's two more people
to choose from here.
Oh, yeah, how'd I forget?
Uh, I'm gonna pick Godwin.
You're an idiot.
Well, that's just rude.
Hey, I'm the only combat vet here, all right?
No.
Hey, I'll tell ya what's gonna happen here, all right?
I'm goin' mercenary.
All of you gonna die-- men, women, and children.
Sorry, Sadie.
They wanna see war?
Oh, hey, I'm gonna give 'em war.
Hey, I'm goin' A-Team all the way.
No.
Hey, look here, there's gonna be enough paint shed,
okay, to actually paint a shed.
Hey, Si!
This thing is touchy, boys!
Put your safety on.
And, hey, I'm talking about a big one.
All of you be lookin' 360, 'cause I'm comin'.
Si, you can't see ten feet in front of your face.
All of y'all are dead.
(engine revving)
Hey...
Is this for real?
(Godwin) Where is he goin'?
Piece of junk.
♪ Bom-bom-bom bom-bom ♪♪
Hang on, these teams are uneven.
Well, we'll let you decide.
Crap!
You just became Jase bate.
Everybody find your positions,
and we start in 20 minutes, okay?
All right, 20 minutes.
Lock and load, baby.
(Jase) Oh, this is gonna be good.
See, for all those times that you wanted to get at
This is it.
♪♪
(Martin) Oh, boy, there's Phil.
Who's he gonna make fun of first?
Me.
No, you're wrong.
He's gonna get both of us.
Why not?
(whistling)
(Phil) I'm 67 years old,
and when my sons get in a bind,
they still call ol' dad to bail 'em out.
When I pulled up in the yuppie village,
you boys stand out
like two zits on a teenage girl's face.
Nailed it.
Got us both, Louise.
(Phil) You know, as a father,
it's important to let your sons know...
Don't tell me that's your dog?
Yeah, that's my dog, Lizzie.
... just how much they've accomplished in their life.
What is that thing good for?
(spitting)
Sometimes a man wonders where he went wrong.
Y'all done bought into quite a bit of work
in this little project.
Is that why y'all called me in?
We don't know what we're doin'.
Mm-hmm.
But too late now.
No, sir.
Well, look, I'll make it simple for ya.
I love cake.
The only downside is you don't eat this one.
It just makes your little yuppie wife happy.
That's kinda what I want.
I'm just tryin' to get a little pat-pat.
A little pat-pat?
Son, I didn't know these yuppie girls
drivin' that kind of bargain up in here.
What's next?
You know, a four-car garage, you know?
A little pat-pat.
"Honey, go out there and build me a barn."
You know, a little pat-pat?
Where does it end?
When I can get a little pat-pat.
Yeah.
Boys, if we don't hurry up and get this thing done--
look at these boys right there--
they put a roof on while we're out here
tryin' to put a little ol' walkway.
Yeah.
It'd just be embarrassin' if they had a whole roof built
before you lay the concrete sidewalk.
♪♪
I say we race 'em.
I think we could beat 'em.
I think we could do it.
We're gonna have to move faster
than we're movin' now, that's for sure-- come on.
♪♪
(Willie whispering) I think this is a good place to hole up.
How much time we got before we start?
I ain't got a watch.
Guys!
No, I'm the leader.
I'm not a watch man.
Why do you get to be the leader?
I wanna be the leader.
You can't even button your shirt up right.
You think you're the leader?
Yeah, you're off one.
I-I gotta plan.
What?
Cole, just say what you want.
I got a secret weapon.
What is that?
Smoke grenade.
Where'd you get this?
Internet.
Does your dad have one?
Sweet!
This competition is over before it starts.
I'm gonna make you lieutenant.
I get on that field, and I'm a modern-day "Braveheart."
We can use this thing.
Willie Wallace.
This is the kind of ideas we need right here.
Did he go by "Willie"?
Or was it just always "William"?
Got a little key ring on it.
How does it work?
Except, unlike "Braveheart"...
Oh!
Whoa!
... it's the other guys with paint all over their face.
This thing's defective!
How do you stop it?
You can't stop it.
This place is gone.
We gave away our position.
You gave away our position.
Pipe down, cadet.
♪♪
Big load comin'.
Oh, yeah.
Martin, how're we lookin' up there?
Not so good.
They've almost got this side finished.
(Jep) Dude, we can beat 'em, I'm tellin' ya.
We got Dad here now.
Teach us, Sensei.
Show us the ways of the Jedi.
Huh?
Where these boys went wrong is they think they can
win the race by yapping.
We're your Padawans.
Use us.
It'd be best if y'all spoke English
when we're doin' this.
(Phil) I tend to use words
that you can find in the dictionary.
(Jep) Keep it comin', Thelma.
Get to smoothin' there, Louise.
(Phil) The word now in our culture
is "high definition."
A little pat-pat.
A lot less talkin', boys, more work.
I think probably we'd all be better off if we'd just
get back to "definition."
I feel like the "Karate Kid" doin' this.
Wax on, wax off.
Y'all need to hurry up.
"Put him in a body bag, Johnny!"
♪♪
All right, here's the plan.
That's Reed and that's Cole
and there's Godwin.
Shoot Reed and Cole first.
I want you to shoot Godwin last.
Why?
He's the biggest target and you don't have to aim.
Good point.
My guess is that Willie's gonna overcomplicate
his plan of attack.
You're gonna sit there and wait, get the shot.
I'm a KISS guy...
We go down, we go down charging.
"Keep It Simple, Stupid."
Let's do this!
Hold on, hold on, hold on!
Leroy Robertson!
But my sixth sense is tellin' me
I could be wrong about that.
Follow the plan, follow the plan.
Follow the plan.
(John Luke yelling)
(paint guns popping)
♪♪
John Luke Robertson!
(Willie) Get him!
This was not the plan, John Luke!
This is an epic battle.
(paint guns popping)
Goin' down, John Luke!
And maybe pickin' John Luke...
We got 'em, boys, keep shootin'.
... wasn't the best idea.
Ahh...
I had a plan there...
You were supposed to follow the plan!
What's the plan?
I was thinkin', you know--
I forgot what the plan was.
(yelping)
Give up, you can't win!
I can't believe we're doin' this for a stupid doll!
"Say hello to my little friend."
That action figure's mine, boy!
My paintball strategy is simple...
(Willie) Jase, you better give up, son!
... take down the easiest targets first.
(Sadie) Ow!
What?
I can't hear ya!
Get 'em out of the way.
I need help!
And then just spray and pray.
(yelling)
You're bound to hit somethin'.
(paint guns popping)
Ahh! That hurt.
(Si) Hey, I need help here!
(imitating gunshots firing)
Good grief, I need some help here!
(Willie) Stop shootin', stop shootin'!
(Si) Medic, I need help!
All right, everybody stop!
Time out.
Hey, I've fallin'!
I'm serious!
Calm down, Si.
All right, Jase, come out.
All right, on the count of three,
take a step out with your gun down.
Okay.
I need serious help here!
All right, let me see your hands now.
Hey!
All right, we're gonna stop now!
♪♪
All right, here we go.
Oh!
Dad, we're on the homestretch.
Good thing I felt to race the roofers.
Dad's gettin' into this concrete.
I don't like gettin' showed up by anybody.
This is actually giving us some motivation
to get this sidewalk done quickly.
You boys forgot one thing.
You're up against professionals.
Between that and a little elbow grease...
Rednecks don't do well against professionals.
They don't like gettin' showed up.
What? Done?
You're a bunch of rednecks.
Hey, at least there's a walkway that's straight.
I'll still get a little pat-pat after this.
Well, pretty close.
Hi, y'all!
Babe, it looks great!
Y'all did it!
I'm so proud of you!
I tried to tell you, you wouldn't listen to me.
As it turned out, you were a great motivator
for this particular job.
That's what I'm here for.
Bub, do you like it?
The jury has spoken.
All right.
Okay, I hate to see it end, but I love to watch it go.
Now, here we go.
♪♪
Where is that idiot at?
Was it comin' from here?
Sounded like it.
Now, normally, if someone in the woods cried for help,
I'd be concerned.
Well, it looks like he's been here.
But Si has a habit of being overly dramatic.
And even if not,
there's a G.I. Joe on the line, son.
(Godwin) What'd he park it there for?
Do y'all think Si's okay?
Stuck it and left.
Y'all think he's okay?
Do you think Si's okay?
Sadie, he's like 100 years old.
I ain't watchin' after him.
(Jase) I hope he didn't sink.
How do you know?
He ain't here.
Good, let's go back to the game.
No.
You know who's gonna get blamed for that?
Me.
(Jase) In my family, the older brother
takes the blame for anything stupid that occurs.
I can hear Phil right now.
"What would possess a man
to leave a four-wheeler submerged in the mud?"
You have to take responsibility for your younger brothers
or your crazy uncle.
Good, you should get blamed.
I didn't let him drive it.
He went mercenary.
Forget Si.
Why don't we take the Polaris,
pull it out, and then go back to the war?
All right, we'll get side by side, we'll pull it out.
Sometimes you gotta step up and be the man of the family.
(Willie) John Luke, let's go!
It's all underwater.
Yep, I'm aware of that.
All right.
All right, everybody, get your gear.
Let's play some paintball.
Now it's time to light my kids up
with as many paint balls as possible.
All right.
What? They got on face mask.
Now, we're gonna take this side of the pond.
You guys are gonna take that side of the pond.
There's no brush over there.
Ow!
Ah, ah!
God...
What're you doin'?
It's the oldest trick in the book.
It's called ambush, boys.
Like I said, I'm a master of camouflage.
(Si) No redneck can run by
a four-wheeler in distress.
Is that the right one? Nope.
Nope, that ain't the right one.
Of course.
You could've ruined Phil's four-wheeler.
Four-wheeler, bus, truck-- whatever!
Look, casualties of war, son!
Everything went south there.
There we go.
Now...
Si, you shot us in the back.
Where'd you get that ghillie suit?
Oh, I went to Phil and Kay's house.
Quit cryin'!
You look like a scrawny Sasquatch.
(roaring)
Like I said, master of camouflage.
Everything is fair game in war, okay?
That's not cheating, that's winning.
Sure I did.
Y'all died.
You didn't win.
The kids ain't been shot.
(paint guns popping)
(yelling)
Ow, ow, ow, ow...
That's for running, Godwin!
Si, you didn't...
I appreciate you losers gettin' my four-wheeler out.
♪ Bom-bom-bom bom-bom ♪
Yeah.
Ow, ow!
Good grief!
Hey.
We lit his butt.
We'll come back and have a rematch.
Let's go get somethin' to eat.
♪♪
(Phil) All right, y'all bow.
Father, thank you for this good food
Miss Kay has blessed us with.
I pray, Father, that we do two simple things--
love you more each day and love each other.
Through Jesus, I pray.
(all) Amen!
All right, let's dig in, boys.
(Willie) As a family, when you spend as much time together as we do,
things can start getting a little predictable.
There are times when you know someone so well
that you feel like you can anticipate their every move.
But sometimes they'll throw you for a loop,
like actually finishing an overly ambitious
home-improvement project,
or just nailin' you in the back with a paintball.
In the end, little revelations like this
keep us on our toes
and teach us that no matter how much you think you know someone,
there's always room to be surprised.
Although, in Si's case,
I'm not sure I wanna be surprised.
(Si) Look here, boys, since I won
the paintball war--
hey, I'm gonna get rid of this doll.
No.
I'm an action figure, this is a doll.