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YES, I KNOW IT'S THE 22nd,
BUT YOU MUST HAVE AN EXTRA ORGANIC FREE-RANGE TURKEY
FLAPPING AROUND THERE SOMEWHERE.
OKAY, I'LL HOLD ON.
YOU'RE UP EARLY.
WELL, NOT EARLY ENOUGH.
I FORGOT THE POWDERED SUGAR FOR THE PFEFFERNUSSEN.
NUSSEN. PFEFFERNUSSEN
AH.
YEAH, THEY'RE KEVIN'S ABSOLUTE FAVORITE COOKIE.
(pours liquid)
OH, THANK YOU.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE--
(gasps) MULLING SPICES.
MULLING SPICES FOR THE HOT WINE.
THIS IS KITTY'S FIRST YEAR WITHOUT ROBERT,
AND WE HAVE TO KEEP HER GOOD AND MULLED.
WHAT?
OH. ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, CAN--CAN YOU WRANGLE ME UP A GOOSE?
A GREAT BIG ONE. YEAH.
(beeps)
YOU FORGOT TO WORRY ABOUT JUSTIN.
NO, I DIDN'T. I MADE HIM A BIG BATCH OF GINGER--
(clatters)
OH!
OH.
(closes oven door)
MY GINGERBREAD PEOPLE.
I INCINERATED THEM.
(sighs)
(clatters)
I CAN'T DO THIS. WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING
WITH HIS HUGE, OVER-THE-TOP EXTRAVAGANZA
WHEN I KNOW THE KIDS ARE DREADING IT?
THEY'RE--THEY'RE PROBABLY MAKING FUN OF ME RIGHT NOW
FOR HOW I CRAM CHRISTMAS DOWN THEIR THROATS.
AND WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW. IF I KNEW, MAYBE I'D DO IT.
OKAY. THEN, UH... CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND VISUALIZE WHAT IT IS YOU'D RATHER BE DOING.
♪♪♪
IT'S SANTA.
(whispers) HEY, HEY, IT'S SANTA.
OH, YEAH. APPARENTLY HE HAS A FONDNESS
FOR A SHOT OF COGNAC IN HIS CAPPUCCINO.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. REIN IT IN, RUDOLPH.
(sighs)
LET HIM GET DRUNK IN PEACE.
OH, LOOK, IT'S A CHRISTMAS CARD FROM JOAN AND JESSE.
OH, MY GOSH. YOU KNOW, THAT COULD BE US NEXT YEAR?
(man) SAUL?
JONATHAN?
OH, MY GOD. HOW ARE YOU?
JONATHAN, HI. HOW ARE YOU?
YEAH, YEAH. YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
THANKS. THANK YOU. SO ARE YOU.
I WISH I COULD STAY AND TALK,
BUT I'M LATE FOR THE "MESSIAH" AT DISNEY HALL.
Y-YEAH, I WILL.
GREAT. WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.
(indistinct conversations)
(Scotty and Kevin) ♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
(choir) ♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
(Sarah) AS RESILIENT AS THE RADIO STATION HAS BEEN
OVER THE LAST YEAR, ALL MY RESEARCH IS TELLING ME THAT--
GUYS, COULD WE TURN THIS MUSIC DOWN, LIKE, WAY DOWN, PLEASE?
MY RESEARCH IS TELLING ME THAT WE CAN ATTRACT BIGGER SPONSORS
IF WE SWITCH OUT DRIVE TIME FROM ARTS AND "ENTERTAINMENT"
TO WEATHER, TRAFFIC, NEWS.
SO THERE'S GONNA BE A FEW CHANGES...
(sighs) EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
IF YOU'RE FIRING ME THREE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
CAN I CALL MY WIFE AND TELL HER TO RETURN
THE ADORABLE LITTLE ONE-EYED PUPPY
VERY FUNNY, FRANK. YOU'RE HILARIOUS.
BUT, NO, YOU DON'T GET AWAY THAT EASILY.
THERE ARE SOME STAFF REDUCTIONS, HOWEVER, THAT I'M GONNA
ASK YOU TO MAKE AS A HEDGE AGAINST ANOTHER DOWNTURN.
OH, GOD.
NOT FEELING THE X-MAS SPIRIT THIS YEAR?
WELL, IT'S A BIT HARD WHEN YOUR FIANCé'S IN SHANGHAI
AND YOUR KIDS ARE IN MEXICO SNORKELING WITH THEIR DAD.
I SWEAR, IF I HEAR ANOTHER BELL JINGLE,
I AM GONNA STRANGLE AN ELF. YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT?
(cell phone chimes and beeps)
GREAT. IT'S MOM. LET THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT BEGIN.
FRANK, IF YOU NEED ME OVER THE NEXT THREE DAYS,
I'M GONNA BE AT MY MOTHER'S,
STRINGING CRANBERRIES ON DENTAL FLOSS.
(clears throat)
EXCUSE ME, NURSE.
(indistinct conversations)
I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU HAD ANYTHING FOR A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.
UH, NO. I DON'T BELIEVE THERE'S A CURE FOR THAT YET.
JUST GOTTA LIVE WITH IT.
OOH.
SO WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE, JUSTIN?
ACTUALLY, I'M HERE TO SEE YOU.
(indistinct conversations continue)
(chuckles)
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
WELL, CONSIDERING IT'S BEEN, WHAT... OVER A MONTH,
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?
YEAH, LOOK, I'M SORRY. I-I KNOW I SHOULD'VE CALLED.
I, UM, I'VE JUST BEEN BUSY TRYING TO BE A PARAMEDIC,
YOU'RE GONNA BE A PARAMEDIC?
MM.
(cell phone chirps)
(beeps)
OH, GREAT.
WHAT, BAD NEWS?
NO, EMERGENCY CHRISTMAS MEETING AT MY MOM'S.
HERE COMES THE CREAMED ONIONS, AND THE FROSTED WINDOW PANES,
AND THE LITTLE TRAIN THAT GOES THROUGH THE VILLAGE.
LOOK, ANNIE, I'M S--I'M SORRY.
I MEAN IT. I KNOW I FLAKED,
AND I'D REALLY LOVE A SECOND CHANCE, SO...
IF YOU'RE UP FOR IT,
I'D REALLY LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU.
WILL THERE BE FIGGY PUDDING?
FIGGY WHAT?
PUDDING.
AT YOUR FAMILY'S CHRISTMAS, IS THERE GONNA BE FIGGY PUDDING?
OH, UH, FIGGY PUDDING. YEAH.
YEAH, OF COURSE THERE'S GONNA BE FIGGY PUDDING.
REALLY?
YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT SOUNDS REALLY WONDERFUL ACTUALLY.
I'VE--I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A CHRISTMAS LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE OLD MOVIES?
WELL, DO YOU HAVE PLANS?
WELL, IF I HAD PLANS, WOULD I HAVE BASICALLY
JUST INVITED MYSELF TO YOUR FAMILY CHRISTMAS?
MM. MM.
I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I HAD SEX ON A FUTON.
UM, YESTERDAY.
RIGHT.
AND THE DAY BEFORE THAT.
(laughs)
(cell phone chimes)
WHERE IS IT?
OH.
OH, WOW. LOOK AT THAT.
(laughs)
(cell phone clatters)
MY MOTHER'S CHRISTMASES
ARE LIKE THE OPENING CEREMONIES FOR THE WINTER OLYMPICS.
MM.
MM. HOW ABOUT YOU?
(kisses) UM, Y-YOU KNOW,
THERE'S PROBABLY, UH, SOMETHING I SHOULD TELL YOU
ABOUT... HOME.
UM, I-I HAVEN'T YET BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT--
(whispers) SHH. SHH. DON'T.
(normal voice) I LIKE THE MYSTERY.
DOES THAT WORK FOR YOU?
IT'S PROBABLY BETTER THAT WAY.
I SPOKE TO HUMAN RESOURCES A WEEK AGO ABOUT THAT LIST.
COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST E-MAIL IT TO ME?
(singsongy) KISS ME. I'M UNDER THE MISTLETOE.
OH, WELL, LOOK UP, FROSTY. THERE AIN'T NO MISTLETOE.
AND THERE'S NO SWAGGING ON THE BANISTER
AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE IS JUST STANDING THERE, NAKED.
NOT EVEN UNPACKED YET.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. YOU'RE ALL HERE.
YEAH, YOU'RE CUTTING IT A LITTLE CLOSE.
OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE GOT A FLIGHT OUT TONIGHT. I HOPE WE MAKE IT.
(Kevin and Justin) AW.
NO. THIS ISN'T EASY.
UM... WELL, YOU KNOW HOW BUSY I'VE BEEN,
AND KARL AND I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE
TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME TOGETHER AS WE WOULD LIKE,
AND WE ALL LIKE KARL, DON'T WE?
I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.
SO I...
MOM, JUST SPIT IT OUT.
YEAH.
I'M NOT HAVING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.
(wine glass clatters)
(chuckles) W--
I KNOW. IT JUST SEEMS RASH AND--AND IMPULSIVE,
BUT I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF SPENDING CHRISTMAS THERE,
WITH THE SNOW AND THE LITTLE CANDLES
IN THE PAPER BAGS ON THE ROOFTOPS.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A FIRE HAZARD,
BUT IT LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL IN THE MAGAZINES,
AND I'M SURE YOU WILL ALL HAVE A MUCH BETTER TIME
(horn honks)
THERE HE IS. I HAVE TO GO.
SO... THE DECORATIONS ARE ALL STACKED IN THE LIVING ROOM.
TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT, AND IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,
ONE SINGLE PROBLEM, THEN CALL ME.
I WILL HAVE MY CELL PHONE WITH ME EVERY SECOND.
(handle latch clicks)
OKAY.
HERE I GO.
I LOVE YOU ALL.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
(suitcase wheels clatter)
I...
DID SHE JUST...
CANCEL CHRISTMAS?
OH, FRANKLY, I'M RELIEVED.
WHAT KIND OF MOTHER WOULD DO THAT?
I'M GONNA GET BACK TO THE OFFICE.
YOU GUYS FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, AND I'LL BE THERE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
(door opens and closes)
MAYBE THIS IS A GOOD THING, GUYS.
MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR US TO START BUILDING OUR OWN TRADITIONS.
I MEAN, MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD ALL COME OVER TO MY HOUSE.
YEAH! I'M GONNA GET A TREE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, KITTY?
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOUR HOUSE-- I DON'T KNOW.
OKAY, LET'S FIGURE THIS OUT, GUYS.
NO, KEVIN, I REALLY WANT TO HAVE IT AT MY HOUSE.
WHY? YOU ALWAYS MAKE FUN OF THE WAY MOM DOES CHRISTMAS.
YOU DO. LOOK, LET'S JUST DO IT AT MINE.
BETTER?
WELL, LOOK, I MEAN--
NO.
OKAY, NO. I'M GOING HOME.
NO, KIT, I DIDN'T MEAN "BETTER," LIKE MINE WOULD BE BETTER--
KIT.
I DON'T CARE WHO DOES IT.
(door closes)
KITTY, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN BETTER.
I JUST MEANT DIFFERENT.
BUT I STILL THINK WE SHOULD ALL COME HERE.
WELL, IT'S TOO LATE, KEVIN. I ALREADY GOT A TREE.
Oh. Ah!
WHAT WAS THAT?
UH, NOTHING. NOTHING. AND GUESS WHAT ELSE.
I FOUND A CATERER WHO WORKS ON CHRISTMAS.
Okay, fine. So we're at an impasse.
(grunts) WE'RE GONNA LET SARAH DECIDE
BECAUSE SHE'S THE OLDEST.
Sarah isn't exactly
THE GRAND MASTER OF THE CHRISTMAS PARADE THIS YEAR.
(doorbell rings)
WELL-- (sighs)
(ring)
UGH.
HI.
HEY.
HI. HI, SO... THERE IT IS.
(Nora) AFTER THE CHURCH OF LORETTO,
WE CAN HIT THE PALACE OF GOVERNORS,
WHICH, ACCORDING TO THIS, IS THE OLDEST
CONTINUOUSLY OCCUPIED PUBLIC SPACE IN NORTH AMERICA.
FUNNY. I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY KITCHEN.
(laughs and gasps) I JUST REMEMBERED--
THE MOLD FOR THE CRANBERRY RING ISN'T IN THE KITCHEN.
IT'S UNDER THE PHILODENDRON ON THE BACK PORCH.
KEVIN'S NEVER GONNA FIND IT. I BETTER CALL HIM.
NORA, KEVIN HAS A PERFECTLY GOOD PAIR OF EYES IN HIS HEAD.
HE'S OKAY. MMM.
OH, KARL, THIS IS REALLY WONDERFUL.
IT'S EXACTLY AS I VISUALIZED IT--
SNOW ON THE WINDOWS,
YOU AND ME AND... NOT A CANDIED YAM IN SIGHT.
(chuckles)
(laughs)
SO... IN 1680,
THE PUEBLO PEOPLE ROSE UP
AND SLAUGHTERED 380 SPANIARDS, PLUS--
SLAUGHTERED, SLAUGHTERED. NO, THEY CAN'T GET A TURKEY.
NORA, NORA.
WELL, YEAH, BUT--
THEY'RE FINE. IF THEY NEEDED YOU, THEY WOULD'VE CALLED,
AND THEY HAVEN'T, RIGHT?
NO, THEY HAVEN'T.
NOW... LET'S GET BACK TO THE SPANIARDS.
NOTHING LIKE A GOOD MASSACRE
TO PUT YOU IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
THERE YOU GO.
MY MOTHER INSISTS ON DOING THIS STRAND BY STRAND.
BUT IF YOU DO IT THIS WAY, IT JUST FALLS MORE NATURALLY.
YEAH, I FEEL LIKE, UH,
JACKSON *** THROWING PAINT AT A CANVAS.
(laughs) OKAY. OKAY. LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.
YEAH? OKAY.
OKAY, DRUMROLL, PLEASE.
AND...
(laughs)
OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ROCKEFELLER CENTER,
BUT--BUT IT IS-- IT IS CHARMING.
YES. YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT'S--IT'S, UM, IT'S MINIMAL.
THINK--THINK--THINK HEMINGWAY, THINK BAUHAUS.
ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING CHARLIE BROWN.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IN FICTION.
YOU'RE GOOD.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE VERY SWEET. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME.
(doorbell rings)
IF THAT IS SOMEBODY NAMED KEVIN, IGNORE HIM.
I'M COMING. HEY!
HEY. WE'RE HERE.
HELLO. HEY.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
YOU GUYS ARE, UH, YOU'RE SO EARLY.
WELL, THIS IS SETH. THIS IS EVAN, MY SON.
YOU WANT TO SAY HI?
HEY, MAN.
I'M JUSTIN.
HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO MEET YOU.
AH.
OKAY, LET'S--LET'S PUT SOME TINSEL ON THE TREE.
UH, WELL, THE FAIR WAS KIND OF A BUST, ACTUALLY.
THE LINE TO MEET SANTA WAS OVER TWO BLOCKS LONG.
SO WE JUST WAVED AND SMILED AT HIM.
AW. OH, WELL, OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO SEE SANTA ANOTHER TIME.
ACTUALLY, WE GOT TO WRITE A LETTER INSTEAD.
MACY'S HAS THIS COOL "BELIEVE" CAMPAIGN.
FOR EVERY LETTER TO SANTA THAT YOU BRING IN TO THE STORE,
THEY'LL DONATE $1 TO THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION.
SO EVAN WROTE A LETTER, I WROTE A LETTER,
AND WHAT DID I ASK SANTA FOR?
A WIRELESS DVD PLAYER TO GO ALONG
WOW. THAT'S SO GENEROUS OF ME.
I MEAN, YOU'RE THE BEST.
WELL, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH
A REQUIREMENT OF EVERYONE HE MEETS.
OH. OKAY.
(lowered voice) WHAT?
WHAT?
SO THIS IS THE GUY YOU'RE HIDING FROM US?
I'M NOT HIDING HIM. HE--
WE-WE'RE JUST-- WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN.
YEAH, WELL, IT SEEMED LIKE I WAS INTERRUPTING SOME FUN
WHEN I KNOCKED ON THE--
NO, NO, JUSTIN, HE WAS HELPING ME WITH THE CHRISTMAS TREE.
WHICH IS VERY CHRISTMASSY, ISN'T IT?
UH, I-I GUESS, YEAH.
BUT YOU'RE-- YOU'RE GONNA DO MORE, RIGHT?
WELL, WHAT-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "MORE"?
WELL, I... I MEAN, LOOK AT THE FIREPLACE.
WELL--
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JUSTIN? YOU HAVE TO STOP PRESSURING ME.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT
THAT YOU INVITED SOME CHRISTMAS-STARVED GIRL OVER HERE
TO GAWK AT US LIKE WE'RE SOME HOLIDAY DIORAMA.
KITTY, I'M NOT ASKING FOR MIRACLES HERE.
HAVE YOU BEEN OVER TO KEVIN'S YET?
NO, BUT I HEAR HE'S REALLY MOTIVATED. TWO CHRISTMAS TREES.
EXACTLY. IT'S CONFUSING. WHAT IS POOR SANTA TO DO?
WHICH ONE IS HE GONNA PUT THE PRESENTS UNDER, JUSTIN?
ALL I'M SAYING IS, THIS PLACE IS A LITTLE BARE.
YEAH.
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DID.
EGGNOG?
NO, THANKS, FRANK.
YESTERDAY I GAVE YOU A LIST OF TERMINATIONS
THAT I NEEDED MADE.
I HEAR THAT THERE'S A TEAM OF RADIO HOSTS WHO HAVEN'T...
YEAH, SARAH, I'M SORRY, BUT ABNER AND LOUISE
HAVE HAD A SHOW ON THIS STATION FOR 35 YEARS.
COULD YOU PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR TIE
(clicks)
THE SHOW IS THEIR LIFE.
YOU KICK 'EM OUT, THEY HAVE NO PLACE TO GO.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS. THERE'S NO ROOM AT THE INN.
(sighs)
YOU WANT TO FIRE ABNER AND LOUISE,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
FINE.
HONESTLY, I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED, FRANK,
THAT A MANAGER AS GOOD AS YOU IS NOT A LITTLE MORE PROFICIENT
IN THE FINE ART OF... LETTING PEOPLE GO.
TELL THE CHILDREN WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS, ABNER?
A DUMMY ON RADIO, FRANK?
THEY STARTED OUT IN VAUDEVILLE, TOGETHER.
OH, ABNER,
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD MANAGE A NICE GOOD NIGHT
TO ALL OF OUR FRIENDS OUT THERE?
(muffled voice) GOOD NIGHT...
YOU WERE SAYING, ABOUT THE FINE ART OF LETTING PEOPLE GO?
I'M SARAH, THE STATION OWNER.
(door closes)
UM...
(speaking inaudibly)
(instrumental version of "O Come All Ye Faithful" playing)
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I MEAN, WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR THE KRIS KRINGLE COCOA CUPS,
UM, YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, TO--TO BE HONEST,
I THINK WE COULD PROBABLY USE A LITTLE MORE SUGAR PLUM
AND A-A LITTLE LESS... FAIRY.
WHAT, I-IS IT THE GOLDEN GIRLS TREE TOPPERS?
NO, KEVIN, IT'S EVERYTHING, ALL RIGHT?
WHERE--WHERE'S--WHERE'S THE--THE TOY SOLDIERS?
WHERE'S THE--THE NUTCRACKER? WHERE'S THE FIGGY PUDDING?
I'M SORRY, BUT I-I NEED THIS CHRISTMAS TO BE LIKE,
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE OLD CHRISTMAS MOVIES
CRYING?
BECAUSE HE'S HAPPY. YOU KNOW, LIKE HAP-HAPPY TEARS, KEVIN.
AND LITTLE MISS YULE LOG CABIN REPUBLICAN,
IT'S A LITTLE SAD. I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.
LOOK, KEVIN, I REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL, OKAY?
AND I PROMISED HER A CHRISTMAS LIKE, UH...
I DON'T KNOW, LIKE--LIKE MOM'S.
(sighs)
WHAT?
I KNOW JUST WHAT WE NEED, WITHOUT WHICH
NO WALKER CHRISTMAS IS A WALKER CHRISTMAS.
YOUR HOT NURSE IS GONNA LOVE THIS.
HOLD ON TO YOUR SLEIGH BELLS, BUCKO.
(male voice) HO, HO, HO!
HO, HO, HO!
(door closes)
OH.
I ALMOST HAVE THE FEELING BACK IN MY TOES.
(sighs) IT WAS WARM IN THE CATHEDRAL.
THANKS TO THE 20,000 TOURISTS IN THERE WITH US.
ONE FOR EVERY CUTESY LITTLE GIFT SHOP ON THE PLAZA.
THEY DON'T TELL YOU ABOUT THAT IN THE MAGAZINES.
OH, SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK THIS TURNED OUT THE WAY YOU WANTED.
KARL, NO, IT'S--IT'S NOT SANTA FE. HONESTLY.
IT'S--IT'S--IT'S ME.
MY CHILDREN DON'T CALL ME FOR ONE DAY, AND I'M A WRECK.
I TOLD THEM TO HAVE THEIR OWN WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS,
AND THEY... SEEM TO BE DOING JUST THAT.
AND WHY IS THAT A PROBLEM?
EXACTLY. EXACTLY. WHY IS IT A PROBLEM?
IT'S NOT A PROBLEM. IT'S JUST ME. IT'S JUST ME.
LOOK AT ME. I'M LIKE-- I HAVE THE D.T.s.
NORA--
NO, NO, IT'S TRUE. I'M A JUNKIE,
AND I'M JONESING FOR MY CHILDREN TO CALL ME
AND ASK ME SOMETHING, ANYTHING.
HOW MANY CUPS OF SUGAR GO INTO A HUNGARIAN NUT FOLDOVER?
I-I-I GET HIGH ON THEM NEEDING ME.
BUT IT'S NOT FAIR TO THEM.
GOD. I'M A VAMPIRE, SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF MY CHILDREN.
NO, NORA. ADDICT, MAYBE.
OH.
IT IS MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION
THAT YOU'RE JUST LITTLE BIT OUT OF YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW.
WELL, HOW DO I GET BACK INTO IT?
WELL... I WOULD PRESCRIBE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
OH.
NOW IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I NEVER LEAVE HOME
WITHOUT MY LITTLE STASH OF MILD SEDATIVES.
SLEEPING IN STRANGE HOTELS IS NOT MY FORTE.
SO...
WELL...
(snaps case shut)
IF IT'S MY ONLY HOPE.
OH...
HOW DID I EVER GET TO BE SUCH A TERRIBLE MOTHER?
OH, I SHOULD'VE RUN AWAY YEARS AGO.
THEY WOULD'VE BEEN A HELL OF A LOT BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME.
OH.
"CHRISTMAS TREE TOPPER, GARLAND, LIGHTS."
WHERE'S THE TRAIN? WHERE'S THE TRAIN?
OH, MY GOD. THERE IS SO MUCH STUFF.
"DECORATIONS, GIFT WRAPPING,
"CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. BOWS."
(whispers) "SANTA'S VILLAGE."
(clatters)
OH, YES, YES, YES.
(gasps, normal voice) OH, MY...
OH, MY GOD, KEVIN. KEVIN, YOU SCARED ME.
WHAT'S GOING ON, KIT?
NOTHING. I JUST POPPED BY
TINSEL?
TINSEL. YOU KNOW, FOR THE TREE.
I KNOW WHAT TINSEL'S FOR.
GOOD. SO NOW I HAVE MY TINSEL. SO I'M GOING TO GO.
WHY DOES IT SAY "SANTA'S VILLAGE" ON YOUR BOX?
MM-HMM.
YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL CRAFTY, DON'T YOU?
ONLY YOU FORGOT ONE THING.
MOM PUTS SANTA'S VILLAGE IN THE "SANTA'S VILLAGE" BOX,
BUT SHE PUTS HIS TRAIN... IN "CANDLES AND ICICLES."
(grunts)
REALLY, KEVIN, IS THIS WHAT IT'S COME TO?
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME THE VILLAGE?
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING WITHOUT THE TRAIN.
BUT THE TRAIN DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING WITHOUT THE VILLAGE,
I SET IT UP EVERY YEAR.
I KNOW WHERE THE GENERAL STORE GOES, THE POST OFFICE,
THE LITTLE TOWN SQUARE GAZEBO.
IT WOULD BE USELESS IN YOUR HANDS.
JUST GIVE ME THE VILLAGE.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE VILLAGE, IS IT, KEVIN?
YOU KNOW, IN FACT, THIS IS ABOUT WHO'S GOING TO CARRY
THE WALKER TORCH AFTER MOM ISN'T HERE ANYMORE.
YOUR WORDS, NOT MINE.
ALWAYS THE LAWYER, AREN'T YOU?
IT'S SO TYPICAL OF A POLITICIAN TO BLAME A LAWYER.
RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING, YOU JUST ASSUMED IT WAS YOUR RIGHT.
NO, I'M FIGHTING FOR MY RIGHT
BECAUSE I'M SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYONE THINKING
OH, MY GOD. DID YOU JUST PLAY THE GAY CARD?
BECAUSE YOUCOME FROM THE MOST LOVING, LIBERAL FAMILY
KNOWN TO MAN.
MOM COULDN'T BE MORE GAY FRIENDLY IF SHE TWIRLED A BATON
UP SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD IN A CHER COSTUME.
IF YOU'RE SO TOLERANT, LET ME DO CHRISTMAS.
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU
THAT I NEED TO SHOW MY SON THAT WE ARE STILL A FAMILY
AFTER EVERYTHING THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO USE THE GAY CARD,
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU JUST SAID THAT.
I'M NOT THE ONE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH
LIKE SOME CHRISTMAS CRACKHEAD.
FINE BY ME.
GO AHEAD, KEVIN. GO HAVE YOUR 2-TREE'D,
L.G.B.T.'D, POLITICALLY CORRECT,
"DON ME NOW MY GAY APPAREL" HOLIDAY EXTRAVAGANZA
WITHOUT ME.
ENJOY THE TRAIN.
(grunts)
AH. OW. OW.
(door opens and closes)
(instrumental version of "Silent Night" playing)
(Nora's voice) THEY WOULD'VE BEEN
A HELL OF A LOT BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME.
(echoing) BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME, WITHOUT ME,
WITHOUT ME.
I TOLD YOU I WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT.
LISTEN, I'LL HAVE THE MONEY BACK IN THE BANK ACCOUNT
BY THE END OF THE MONTH.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD MAKE IT.
LITTLE MELTDOWN ON THE DOMESTIC FRONT,
(kisses)
KEVIN?
NICE VEST.
YOU'RE NOT HERE.
SORRY WE'RE LATE. THE LITTLE ANGELS
DECIDED THEIR CHRISTMAS DRESSES WERE TOO SCRATCHY
TILL THEIR DADDY TOLD HIS PRINCESSES HOW PRETTY THEY LOOK.
KEVIN'S MARRIED?
TO A WOMAN?
(both) MERRY CHRISTMAS, AUNTIE SARAH.
NO STICKY FINGERS. IT'S LACROIX.
HE ALWAYS DID WANT CHILDREN.
NO PEEKING.
NO.
BUT NOTHING A COUPLE OF SHOTS OF BOURBON WON'T FIX.
KARL, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT YOUR KIDS WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER OFF
IF YOU'D RUN AWAY YEARS AGO.
WHERE DID I RUN AWAY TO?
A CONDO IN BOCA.
BOCA? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. MY MOTHER LIVES THERE.
COME. THERE'S MORE TO SEE.
(bell tinkles)
(wind howling)
(Nora) OH, MY GOD.
WHO DECORATED THIS PLACE, THE TOOTH FAIRY?
HEY, KEV, SARAH, THIS IS, UH, ANGEL.
(laughs) WHICH IS PERFECT FOR CHRISTMAS.
(Angel laughs)
OH, MY GOD. HE'S DRUNK.
YES, HE'S ALWAYS DRUNK NOW.
YOU SEE, THERE WAS NO ONE THERE TO RALLY THE TROOPS
SHE'S ON THE TOP OF THE TREE.
SHE FLIES 'CAUSE SHE'S GOT WINGS.
(lowered voice) WHO'S HE GONNA BRING OVER FOR EASTER--BUNNY?
KITTY.
WELL, WHY IS SHE MUMBLING LIKE THAT?
WITHOUT YOU THERE TO REBEL AGAINST,
SHE NEVER FOUND HER VOICE.
OH.
WHO'S THIS ONE FROM, DADDY?
(laughs) SHE'S GOT WINGS.
"WITH LOVE, FROM GRANDMA NORA." WOW.
WHO'S GRANDMA NORA?
(all laugh)
(woman) OH, YOU GIRLS ARE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER.
BUT GUESS WHAT. SHE'LL BE HERE TONIGHT,
(mouth full) YEAH, BRIEFLY.
(singsongy voice) HELLO, MY DARLINGS.
(girls) NANA! NANA!
(lowered voice) "NANA. NANA."
WHAT IS HOLLY DOING HERE?
YOU DIDN'T REALLY EXPECT WILLIAM
OH! WILLIAM MARRIED HOLLY? THIS IS HER HOUSE?
OH, GOD, KARL. I CAN'T SEE ANYMORE.
PLEASE TAKE ME BACK TO SANTA FE.
OH, NORA, NORA, IT'S-- IT'S ONLY JUST BEGUN.
OH.
(normal voice) IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU ALL HERE.
(normal voice) SHE SAID WITH A BIG FAKE SMILE ON HER FACE.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD TRY
TO MAKE YOURSELF PRESENTABLE FOR THE OCCASION?
(mouth full) OH, YEAH. THE OCCASION.
CHRISTMAS WITH EVA BRAUN.
NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO LIVE HERE, KITTY.
I'M YOUR MEAL TICKET, NOT YOUR JAILER.
HEY, YOU TWO LITTLE ANGELS,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH ONE OF NANA'S MOVIES
BEFORE DINNER?
(girls) YEAH!
(both) YEAH!
YES? OKAY, LET'S GO.
(laughs) BYE.
(Kitty) UGH.
UGH.
SIX MONTHS IN THE JUNGLE WITH HER?
NO WONDER THE MONKEY FIRED HIS AGENT.
STAY COOL, LITTLE SISTER.
WE STICK TO THE PLAN, YOU'LL BE FREE OF HER FOREVER.
PLAN? WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? WHAT PLAN?
OH, SCOTTY!
OH, PLEASE TELL ME HE'S NOT AS BAD AS THE REST.
UH, THIS IS A CHEESE PUFF FILLED WITH MANGO PEACH SALSA
TO KEEP YOU BUSY, AND DINNER IS ON ITS MERRY WAY.
(Justin) YEAH, GREAT.
I'M JUST GONNA RUN TO THE KITCHEN
AND GRAB SOME MORE ICE.
OH, IS THAT WHAT THEY'RE CALLING IT NOWADAYS--ICE?
NORA, THIS WAY.
OH, WOULD YOU STOP?
DONNER CAN'T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF BLITZEN.
OH, KEVIN. YOUR WIFE IS IN THE OTHER ROOM.
WELL, THEN WE COULD STEAL AWAY TO MY OLD BEDROOM.
I KEPT ALL MY OLD TOYS.
YOU COULD PIN YOUR TAIL ON MY DONKEY. EE-AW.
OH.
WHY IS HE STILL IN THE CLOSET?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
SHH.
MM.
(spits)
THANK GOD I LEARNED THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER IN THE SCOUTS.
I'M FINE. I SHOULD REALLY TAKE THESE CANAPéS OUT.
YOU'RE ALREADY BEING BLACKMAILED BY ONE SERVICE PROVIDER.
YOU TRYING TO MAKE IT A MATCHED SET?
OH, YOU'RE ONE TO TALK.
PHILANDRY ISN'T NEARLY AS EXPENSIVE A HOBBY
WELL, WE'RE BOTH ABOUT TO SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS, AREN'T WE?
HOW DID MY OLDER SISTER BECOME SO COLD-HEARTED?
IT'S JUST ANOTHER TERMINATION AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.
TERMINATION? WHO-- WHO'S SHE TERMINATING?
OH, KARL, IS SOMETHING TERRIBLE ABOUT TO HAPPEN?
OH, BEYOND YOUR IMAGINING.
HEY-O. WHOA. HEY, HEY, THIS IS... (laughs)
THIS IS MY TYPE OF CHRISTMAS, HUH?
(laughs)
AY-YI-YI-YI. (inhales sharply) OOH, THAT'S SWEET.
I'M NOT SURPRISED. IT'S POWDERED SUGAR FOR THE FUTZENFASSEN.
SHUT UP, KEVIN.
JUSTIN, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
YOU'RE PATHETIC. WE'VE GOT A JOB TO DO.
THINK OF IT THIS WAY, LITTLE BROTHER--
ONE-FIFTH OF THE MONEY DAD LEFT HER CAN BE YOURS.
A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF PERUVIAN PLEASURE POWDER.
(This Ascension) ♪ DING *** ♪
NOW COME ON, BOYS.
IT'S SHOWTIME.
I DIDN'T RAISE THEM TO BE LIKE THIS.
EXACTLY, NORA.
YOU DIDN'T RAISE THEM AT ALL.
OOH.
FOLLOW ME.
♪ RINGS JOYFULLY ♪
HOLLY, DINNER'S GONNA BE A LITTLE DELAYED.
COULD YOU GO CHECK ON THE KIDS,
MAKE SURE THEY'RE SNUG AS A BUG UPSTAIRS?
I WOULD LOVE TO.
THEY'RE PROBABLY AT THE PART WHERE THE CHIMP PROPOSES.
YEAH.
OH, MY GOD. THEY'RE GOING TO KILL HOLLY, AREN'T THEY?
♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ MERRY, MERRY, MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ ON, ON THEY SING, ON WITHOUT END ♪
♪ THEIR JOYFUL TONE ♪
THERE'S NO TURNING BACK NOW.
♪ DING, DING, A-***, THIS IS THEIR SONG ♪
♪ RINGS JOYFULLY, ALL CAROLING ♪
THIS IS FOR THE WARM AND PERSONAL CHECKS YOU SENT US
EVERY BIRTHDAY.
(plops)
♪ RAISING THE SOUND, O'ER HILL AND DALE ♪
FOR ALL THOSE POSTCARDS FROM EXOTIC PLACES.
(drop plops)
FOR THE COLLEGE TRIP THAT YOU ALMOST TOOK US ON.
(plop)
FOR BEING THERE WHEN I PITCHED MY PERFECT GAME,
IN SPIRIT, ANYWAY.
(plop)
AND ONE FOR TOMMY.
(voice breaks) WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT WORKED OUT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO TOMMY?
BELIEVE ME, NORA, YOU-- YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
AH, THE GIRLS ARE ALL COZY IN THE DEN.
YOU SHOULD SEE THEM.
THEY'RE IN STITCHES.
♪ DING, DING, A-***, DING, DING, A-*** ♪
♪ DING, DING, A-***, DING, DING, A-*** ♪
HOLLY...
DON'T DRINK THE EGGNOG. THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL YOU.
♪ DING, DING, A-***, DING, DING, A-*** ♪
ANY FINAL WORDS, HOLLY?
♪ DING, DING, A-***, DING, DING, A-*** ♪
FOR YOU, NORA,
FOR BRINGING US ALL TOGETHER AS ONE BIG, HAPPY FAMILY.
♪ DING *** ♪
(bell tinkles)
(car horn honks)
WELCOME HOME, MOTHER.
(chuckles)
IT'S NOT HOLLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL. IT'S ME!
NO!
NO!
(pants)
OH, GOD, KARL, IT WAS-- IT WAS AWFUL.
I MEAN, MY CHILDREN WERE-- WERE MONSTERS.
THEY WERE RUTHLESS AND--AND CONNIVING.
THIS COLD TURKEY IS NOT WORKING FOR ME,
NOT ON--ON CHRISTMAS.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I WANT TO GO HOME.
OH, NORA.
NO. NO, NO, NO. I'M NOT GONNA GO HOME
AND THEN CALL THEM ALL AND DRAG THEM OVER TO MY HOUSE.
I WON'T TAKE OVER. IT WON'T BE ALL ABOUT ME.
I'LL JUST SIT THERE QUIETLY AND--AND--AND ENJOY THEM.
I MEAN, I-I HAVE A RIGHT TO ENJOY THEM.
THEY'RE EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE, AND I LOVE THEM.
AND THAT'S A GOOD THING.
YES.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
(knock on door)
COME IN.
(laughs) HEY.
COME IN. COME IN.
I'M SO GLAD YOU CALLED. UH, SIT, PLEASE.
GOD, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
I GUESS I WAS STILL ANCHORING BACK THEN.
(chuckles) LOADED HALF THE TIME.
WERE YOU WATCHING THE NIGHT
I CONFUSED GORBACHEV WITH BARYSHNIKOV? (laughs)
YES.
DIFFICULT? WHAT IS IT, SAUL?
LAST YEAR, I FOUND OUT THAT I'M H.I.V. POSITIVE.
I'M FINE.
I MEAN, I-I'M--I'M GOOD. MY--MY--MY NUMBERS ARE GOOD.
BUT YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT A SHOCK IT WAS FOR ME.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I CAN.
WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS, IT WAS....
LIKE THE WORLD STOPPED.
BUT THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
THEY KNOW MUCH MORE ABOUT IT NOW.
I WAS INFECTED A LONG TIME AGO, TOO, JONATHAN.
AND... YOU JUST FOUND OUT?
I DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANY REASON TO BE TESTED.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME, JONATHAN?
CALL YOU?
(chuckles) WOW.
YOU KNOW, LAST YEAR, I THOUGHT THAT I'D GET ALL MODERN
AND I PUT MYSELF ON Facebook, AND THERE YOU WERE,
WRITING ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH THE DISEASE
ON YOUR HOMEPAGE.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S PART OF MY JOB NOW.
I USE MY OWN STORY AS A WAY OF EDUCATING.
DO YOU?
WITH ALL THIS EDUCATION,
HOW COME YOU DIDN'T SEE FIT TO LET ME KNOW?
ISN'T THAT ONE OF THE BASIC TENANTS OF THIS ORGANIZATION,
TO--TO--TO INFORM YOUR *** PARTNERS?
ISN'T THAT IT?
WHY--WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?
OH, MY GOD.
OH, SAUL.
YOU DON'T REMEMBER SLEEPING WITH ME.
NO.
I THOUGHT THAT I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?
I DID, THE NIGHT WE SLEPT TOGETHER.
I REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.
I SAID, "I COULD FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU."
OH, MY GOD.
YOU...
YOU REALLY DON'T REMEMBER
THE BAD CHINESE FOOD WE ATE THAT NIGHT?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER WATCHING LENA HORNE
FILL HER COUPE de VILLE AT THE GAS STATION...
(voice breaks) ON THE CORNER OF VINE...
(normal voice) YOU DON'T REMEMBER.
OKAY. I'LL--I'LL FILL YOU IN.
WE ENDED UP IN YOUR BED.
AND OBVIOUSLY, IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU AT ALL.
SAUL, IF I GAVE THIS TO YOU...
WELL, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN SAY.
(Urban Nation Choir) ♪ DECK THE HALLS ♪
♪ WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA ♪
♪ TROLL THE ANCIENT YULETIDE CAROL ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA ♪
(laughs)
(indistinct conversations continue)
(laughs)
♪ SEE THE BLAZING YULE BEFORE US ♪
OH. (lowered voice) I'M SORRY.
WE'LL TRY AND KEEP IT DOWN.
♪ ...AND JOIN THE CHORUS, FA LA LA LA LA ♪
(muffled indistinct conversations)
♪ ...IN MERRY MEASURE ♪
(Ella Fitzgerald's "The Christmas Song" playing)
♪ CHESTNUTS ROASTING ♪
♪ ON AN OPEN FIRE ♪
(whirring)
♪ JACK FROST NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE ♪
(whistle blows)
♪ YULETIDE CAROLS ♪
♪ BEING SUNG BY A CHOIR ♪
OKAY. SOMEBODY HAS TO BE THE FIRST TO BLINK.
WILL YOU CALL HER? PLEASE.
(blows air)
(rings and beeps)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST WATCHING THIS STUPID TRAIN GO ROUND AND ROUND
LIKE A DOG TRYING TO BITE OFF ITS OWN TAIL.
How about you?
OH, I'M JUST SITTING HERE STARING AT THIS DUMB VILLAGE.
IT'S LIKE THERE WAS A CHEMICAL DISASTER
AND ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE HAD TO MOVE AWAY.
SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
UGH. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.
NO, LET'S NOT DO THAT. SHE WANTS TO BE ALONE WITH KARL.
And we have to figure out how we can do this on our own.
OH, HANG ON. OH, IT'S SARAH.
You know she's always been the tiebreaker. Hang on.
HEY.
I'm on with Kevin. I'm gonna put you on conference.
Listen, whoever's having Christmas, just count me out.
I fired an old lady
AND HER WOODEN DUMMY YESTERDAY.
YOU FIRED A WOODEN DUMMY?
YES. I'M EVIL.
NO, SARAH. YOU'RE NOT EVIL.
WELL, THAT DOESN'T MAKE HER EVIL, KEVIN.
I MEAN, DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT MOM ALWAYS USED TO SAY?
That bad people are not really bad,
She also said
THAT THE SHARK IN "JAWS" ONLY KILLED PEOPLE
BECAUSE IT WAS AFRAID THAT A BOAT MIGHT RUN OVER ITS YOUNG.
WELL, MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY I BIT YOUR HEAD OFF LAST NIGHT, KIT,
BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID.
You know, laugh all you want, but growing up in this family,
WHERE IT'S ALL ABOUT FAMILY...
I WAS ALWAYS SCARED THAT I WAS GONNA BE THE ONLY ONE
NEVER TO HAVE THAT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SCARED.
I've been so concerned with
MAKING IT ON MY OWN
AND PROVING TO MYSELF THAT I DON'T NEED ANYBODY
THAT I FORGOT THAT I'M NOT ON MY OWN,
AND TO MAKE IT EVEN WORSE,
I ACTUALLY LIKE THE GUY THAT I'M NOT ON MY OWN WITH.
SO WHAT ABOUT YOU, SARAH? COME ON.
WE'RE ALL BARING OUR SOULS HERE. WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF?
MAYBE I AM SCARED
THAT... I'M GONNA SHIPWRECK THE COMPANY.
Yeah, maybe.
MAYBE ALL OUR FEARS CAN COME TRUE. SO WHAT?
Walkers aren't Grinches. They're Whos.
AND WHEN THE GRINCH DID STEAL CHRISTMAS,
AND ALL THE TREES AND PRESENTS AND DECORATIONS WERE GONE,
(chuckles)
(sighs)
YOU WENT BOOGIE BOARDING ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
(laughs) OH, AND SANTA SPEAKS SPANISH. WOW.
WELL, HONEY,
YOU CALL ME FIRST THING WHEN YOU WAKE UP, OKAY?
(beeps)
(gasps)
MOM, YOU'RE BACK.
YEAH.
OH, MY--HEY, EVERYONE, GUESS WHAT.
MOM'S BACK. I'M NOT KIDDING. SHE'S BACK.
(laughs) HI.
(Kevin, Justin and Kitty) MOM!
MERRY CHRISTMAS. WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, IT'S A LONG STORY.
WHATEVER THE STORY IS, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN.
COME HERE, MOM. OH, THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME.
(Justin laughs)
MOM, EGGNOG?
YES, I'D--I'D LOVE SOME EGGNOG.
(Kitty) YEAH.
(knock on door)
HI.
HI. HI.
HI. HEY.
OH, MY GOSH. HI. HI.
THE GRAD STUDENT.
HEY, OKAY, EVERYONE.
HI, SETH.
HI, SETH.
WOW. UH, THERE ARE...
THERE'S SO MANY OF YOU, AND SO FEW OF ME.
WELCOME TO WALKER-VILLE. HAVE SOME EGGNOG.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
(Louise) "AND SCROOGE WAS BETTER THAN HIS WORD.
"AND TO TINY TIM,
HE WAS A SECOND FATHER."
(laughs)
(normal voice) "AND SO TINY TIM OBSERVED,
'GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE.'"
(all) AWW.
(mutters)
CHEERS.
(Dean Martin) ♪ OH, JINGLE BELLS ♪
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU? YOU'VE BEEN SO QUIET ALL NIGHT.
I JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO ANYONE.
OH, AND?
AND, UH, I'LL--I'LL TALK ABOUT IT SOME OTHER TIME.
RIGHT NOW I JUST NEED A HUG FROM MY NEPHEW.
COME ON.
UH-OH. LOOK OUT. WATCH YOUR BACKS.
COMING THROUGH.
(Saul) WHAT IS THAT?
(Kitty) IT'S ON FIRE.
THAT'S THE POINT. IT'S--IT'S A TRADITIONAL VICTORIAN RECIPE,
ALTHOUGH, I DID THROW IN
(Kitty) OF COURSE YOU DID.
(Nora) OH, COME ON.
HERE YOU GO. FOR YOU.
(Nora) OKAY. THAT'S--WHOA. IT'S JUST RIGHT.
(laughs)
♪ SING THIS SLEIGHING SONG ♪
IT'S SUCH A TREAT, HAVING YOU WITH US TONIGHT.
I WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR COMING.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE AX OUT OF MY NECK.
IT WAS EASY ONCE I REALIZED THAT THE WORLD WILL STILL TURN
WITH AN HOUR LESS NEWS ON A SUNDAY MORNING.
WELL, THEN YOU'VE LEARNED A LOT.
(chuckles)
WELL, THIS MAKES GOING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
NOT SEEM ALL THAT BAD.
OH, YEAH. HOME.
YOU KNOW, I SHUT YOU UP THE OTHER DAY.
YOU WERE ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOME.
WHAT--WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME?
NO, I DO. I DO. I REALLY DO.
I AM FINISHED WITH MYSTERY AND I WANT FULL DISCLOSURE.
♪ ...IT IS TO RIDE ♪
OKAY. UM...
WELL, UH...
OH, MY GOD. DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
ARE YOU DATING SOMEBODY ELSE?
YOU KNOW DEAN WHITLEY?
YOU'RE DATING DEAN WHITLEY?
NO. (laughs)
UH, NO, NO.
UM...
SHE--SHE'S MY MOM.
SH-SH-SHE'S MY BOSS.
SHE'S YOUR MOTHER? OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD. SETH, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY HARDER?
OH, MY GOD.
BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID.
OH.
HAVE I LOST YOU?
(silverware clatters against glass)
SO AMIDST ALL THIS ABUNDANCE OF HOLLY AND IVY,
I-I JUST WANTED TO REMIND MY BELOVED FAMILY
OF OUR JEWISH BLOOD THAT FLOWS THROUGH ALL OF OUR VEINS.
AND I KNOW HANUKKAH HAS PASSED, AND WE'VE LIT ALL THE CANDLES,
AND, UH, I JUST WANTED TO SHARE A LITTLE BLESSING THAT'S OFFERED
IN CELEBRATION OF NEW BEGINNINGS.
(singing in Hebrew)
(Angus & Julia Stone's "River" playing)
WHICH IS TO SAY, "BLESSED ART THOU, KING OF THE UNIVERSE,
"WHO HAS GIVEN US LIFE,
"WHO HAS SUSTAINED US,
WHO HAS ENABLED US TO REACH THIS DAY."
(Kevin and Scotty) AMEN.
AMEN.
(man) ♪ THEY'RE CUTTING DOWN TREES ♪
♪ THEY'RE PUTTING UP REINDEER ♪
♪ AND SINGING SONGS OF JOY AND PEACE ♪
♪ I WISH I HAD A RIVER ♪
♪ I COULD SKATE AWAY ON ♪
♪ BUT IT DON'T SNOW HERE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, IT STAYS PRETTY GREEN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA MAKE A LOT OF MONEY ♪
♪ THEN I'M GONNA QUIT THIS CRAZY SCENE ♪
♪ I WISH I HAD A RIVER ♪
♪ I COULD SKATE AWAY ON ♪