Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
>> Narrator: COMING UP, WHO
TELLS MURR TO PUT A SOCK IN IT?
>> I'M NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH IT.
>> WHAT THE...
>> Narrator: WHAT HAS Q DRINKING
ON THE JOB?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M SO HOT!
>> Narrator: AND WHAT'S GOT JOE
ALL HOT AND BOTHERED?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> A PRETENTIOUS FACT ABOUT
US -- WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ART.
>> TODAY, WE'LL TAKE TURNS
TEACHING AN ADVANCED ART CLASS.
>> TO ADD A SPLASH OF COLOR,
WE'LL HAVE TO DO AND SAY WHAT
THE OTHER GUYS TELL US.
>> IF YOU REFUSE TO DO WHAT
YOU'RE TOLD, YOU LOSE.
>> WHAT'S UP WITH THE HAT, MAN?
>> ARTY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEY, GUYS. HOW ARE YOU?
>> GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
GRAB AN EASEL YOU FEEL
COMFORTABLE AT.
YOU CAN PAINT THE WHOLE TABLE,
IF YOU LIKE, OR IF YOU LIKE TO
PICK ONE THING AND CONCENTRATE
ON IT, THAT'S JUST AS WELL.
LET'S BEGIN.
>> GO BACK TO THAT GIRL THERE TO
THE RIGHT.
>> I DO HAVE A SUGGESTION FOR
YOU.
>> THAT'S GOOD.
I DO HAVE A SUGGESTION.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD REALLY
HELP THAT PAINTING...
>> WHAT WOULD REALLY HELP, I
THINK, THE PAINTING...
>> YEAH?
>> ...IS A NINJA.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> YOU HAVE, UH...
YOU HAVE THE BACKGROUND.
THAT'S GONNA SET A NICE TONE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT...
JUST A SUGGESTION...
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> MIGHT BE COOL IF YOU PUT,
LIKE, A -- ADDED A NINJA IN
THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SAL, MAKE THE SAME SUGGESTION
TO THE GIRL NEXT TO YOU.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A GOOD
IDEA?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF, BEHIND THE ROSES ON THE
TABLE...
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> ...MAYBE YOU DROP A NIN...
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ...MAYBE YOU DROP A NINJA IN
THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, GO UP TO THE WOMAN
IN THE GRAY SWEATER.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
>> LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
>> YOU THINK I HAVE A SHOT WITH
"RED PANTS" BEHIND US?
THE ROOM IS SO QUIET.
THEY CAN HEAR EVERY
CONVERSATION.
>> YOU THINK I GOT A SHOT WITH
RED PANTS BEHIND US?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SICK ART.
>> "SICK ART."
>> GO UP TO THE GIRL IN RED
PANTS.
>> I LIKE THAT YOU WENT WITH
BLUE.
>> I JUST WANT A LITTLE
CONTRAST.
>> OKAY.
>> LET ME ASK YOU A QUICK
QUESTION.
>> LET ME ASK YOU A QUICK
QUESTION.
>> YEAH?
>> YOU THINK I GOT A SHOT WITH
THE GIRL IN THE GRAY SWEATER?
>> OH, MY GOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DO YOU...
[ GROANS ]
...YOU THINK I GOT A SHOT WITH
THE GIRL IN THE GRAY SWEATER?
>> SHE'S GOT A COUPLE RINGS ON
HER FINGER.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DOING GOOD SO FAR, BUDDY.
I'M GONNA TURN THIS UP A NOTCH.
GO UP TO THE WOMAN UP IN THE
FRONT WITH THE BLACK SHIRT ON.
ASK TO BORROW A PAINTBRUSH FOR A
SECOND.
>> CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING?
>> NOW PAINT A NINJA.
>> OH, MY GOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> RIGHT ON HER CANVASS?
>> PAINT A NINJA IN THE
PAINTING.
>> WHAT I'D ALSO WANT TO DO
HERE...
AND GOD HELP US ALL...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...IS...
YOU WANT TO ADD A NINJA IN HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IS...
>> DO IT. FINISH THE NINJA.
>> ...YOU WANT TO ADD THIS GUY
IN.
THIS IS A NINJA HIDING BEHIND
THE FRUIT, WAITING TO POUNCE.
AND THEY CARRY SWORDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY. THERE YOU GO.
>> [ Laughing ] MY GOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ DING! ]
>> SEE, I FEEL THAT MURR IS AT A
DISADVANTAGE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE
ART IS EVOKED FROM THINGS LIKE
HUMAN EMOTION AND HUMAN
FEELINGS.
>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT FEELINGS
ARE, MURR?
>> [ Robotic voice ] PAINT BY
NUMBERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HI, EVERYBODY. HOW ARE YOU?
>> MURR, THERE'S A PAINTBRUSH ON
THAT BACK TABLE.
WHY DON'T YOU PICK IT UP.
START HITTING PEOPLE'S CANVASSES
WITH IT.
[ LAUGHS ]
THERE YOU GO -- THE GIRL ON THE
LEFT.
>> AH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S GREAT. YEAH, KEEP IT UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, YOU'RE DOING THAT BIG ROSE
THERE?
>> ALL RIGHT, BEAT THE HELL OUT
OF THIS THING LIKE IT OWES YOU
MONEY.
BEAT THE HELL OUT OF IT.
>> DO IT, BRO.
>> THE HARD PART OF THE ROSE IS
TRYING TO GET THE EXACT
PERSPECTIVE RIGHT.
OBVIOUSLY, YOURS LOOKS ALMOST
ONE-DIMENSIONAL.
THE HARD PART, THOUGH, IS THE
DEPTH OF THE ROSE.
BEAUTIFUL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU GOT A LIP BALM IN YOUR
POCKET, RIGHT, BUD?
>> HE ALWAYS DOES.
I WON'T LEND HIM MINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> TAKE IT OUT AND JUST APPLY IT
TO YOURSELF.
>> HELP HER.
DON'T STOP APPLYING YOUR LIP
BALM.
>> THE SECOND ROSE...
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, THERE IT IS.
>> OH, MY GOD.
THE GIRL BEHIND YOU IS FLIPPING
OUT.
KEEP DOING IT.
>> SOMETHING LIGHT, AS IF --
IMAGINE, LIKE, IT'S IN, LIKE, A
COUNTRY SETTING OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?
>> HER HAND.
SHE WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING SO
BAD.
>> TRY A GLASS OF WINE, TOO.
GREAT. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU GUYS ARE DOING A GREAT JOB.
>> AND THAT'S NOT JUST LIP
SERVICE.
>> AND THAT'S NOT JUST LIP
SERVICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SHE APPRECIATES A BAD JOKE.
ALL RIGHT, MURR, TAKE OUT YOUR
PHONE AND HAVE AN INAPPROPRIATE
PHONE CALL RIGHT IN FRONT OF
THIS CLASS.
>> I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
I'M TEACHING.
>> YOUR GIRLFRIEND JUST DECIDED
TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT
WORKING OUT?
>> SO HELP ME GOD, IF YOU SAY
DALTON...
>> SO HELP ME GOD, IF YOU SAY
DALTON...
IS DALTON THERE WITH YOU?
YOU PUT HIM ON THE [BLEEP] DAMN
PHONE RIGHT NOW.
LET ME TALK TO HIM.
I GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK.
>> NO!
>> NO!
>> NO!
>> NO!
>> NO!
>> NO!
>> NO!
>> NO!
>> NO!
>> NO!
>> NO! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
DON'T TOUCH MY BASEBALL CARDS.
>> JUST GO, "HOLD ON, HOLD ON."
>> HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
>> TURN AROUND, BE LIKE, "DOES
ANYBODY NEED ANY MORE [BLEEP]
PAINT?"
>> HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
ANYONE NEED ANY MORE [BLEEP]
PAINT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ DING! ]
>> MY NAME'S JOE.
I'M YOUR INSTRUCTOR TODAY.
WELCOME TO ArteVino.
>> ART IS THE SMARTEST OF ALL
THE DEADBEAT CAREERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GUYS, JUST REMEMBER -- ART IS
THE SMARTEST OF ALL THE DEADBEAT
CAREERS OUT THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, I'M A FULL-TIME ARTIST.
>> I'M A FULL-TIME ARTIST.
STRAIGHT-UP DEADBEAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> JOE, KEEP CENSORING YOUR OWN
BAD WORDS.
>> HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN
PAINTING?
I'VE BEEN PAINTING FOR TWO
BEEPING YEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S HOW I MET MY...
BEEP OF A BEEPING EX-GIRLFRIEND.
>> SHE WAS A GREAT BEEP, THOUGH.
>> ONE HELL OF A BEEP, THOUGH.
>> KEEP GOING WITH IT.
KEEP GOING WITH IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CAUGHT HER IN THE BACK SUCKING
SOME GUY'S BEEP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MY GRANDMOTHER WAS A GREAT
PAINTER.
>> MY GRANDMOTHER WAS A GREAT
PAINTER.
>> SHE TAUGHT ME THREE THINGS...
>> SHE TAUGHT ME THREE THINGS,
REALLY, ABOUT IT...
>> ...HOW TO DRAW A TREE...
>> ...HOW TO DRAW A TREE...
>> ...HOW TO PAINT A MAN...
>> ...HOW TO PAINT A MAN...
>> ...AND HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN.
>> ...AND HOW TO...
>> YOUR GRANDMA TAUGHT YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT WAS...
>> GRANDMA.
>> GRANDMA. ESCAPING ME.
THAT THIRD ONE'S ESCAPING ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ BUZZER ]
>> Narrator: COMING UP, HAS Q
FOUND HIS MUSE?
>> I MUST PAINT YOU NUDE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND SPEAKING OF NUDITY, WHY
CAN'T THE JOKERS KEEP THEIR
>> HE JUST GRABBED THE BOTTLE
AND TOOK A DRINK.
>> NO ONE TOLD YOU TO DRINK FROM
THE WINE BOTTLE, YOU JERK.
>> NO ONE TOLD ME NOT TO.
>> YOU DON'T TALK TO US.
THAT JUST MEANT NOTHING TO
EVERYONE IN THERE.
>> WHO DID YOU SAY THAT TO?
>> WHO DO THEY THINK YOU'RE
TALKING TO?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Q, POWER-WALK TO THE GUY IN
THE BACK.
THEN SAY, "I MUST PAINT YOU
NUDE."
>> I MUST PAINT YOU NUDE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE'LL SCHEDULE THAT AFTER CLASS.
IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, GRAB THAT EASEL AND
SHOW THEM HOW TO PAINT.
>> YOU ARE BETTER OFF VOMITING
ONTO THAT CANVASS.
IT WOULD LOOK BETTER THAN
WHATEVER YOU'RE GONNA PAINT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW, THE THING TO REMEMBER
IS -- I'M A LITTLE COLOR-BLIND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE WINE BOTTLE OVER HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW HERE IS MY CAT.
HE'S A BLACK CAT.
>> NOW, GUYS, THIS IS AVAILABLE
FOR SALE.
I'M IN A TOUGH SPOT RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW, GUYS, THIS IS AVAILABLE
FOR SALE.
I'M IN A TOUGH SPOT RIGHT NOW.
>> GOT EVICTED LAST WEEK.
>> I GOT EVICTED LAST WEEK.
>> PUT YOUR PAINT DOWN.
TAKE YOUR HAT OFF AND START
GOING TABLE TO TABLE WITH YOUR
HAT OUT IN YOUR HAND AND BEG FOR
MONEY.
>> [ Laughing ] OH, MY...
>> THIS IS HUMILIATING.
>> DUDE, GO TO THE GIRL IN THE
FRONT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DID YOU HAVE ANY MONEY?
OKAY, OKAY.
>> HE'S BEGGING.
>> SIR, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
COULD, BUT I'M IN A LITTLE ROUGH
SPOT.
I COULD...
[ DING! ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
THANK YOU.
[ DING! ]
>> Narrator: JOE PAINTED HIMSELF
INTO A CORNER AND ENDED UP ON
THE LOSER BOARD.
>> WHAT IS ART REALLY?
>> WELL, ART'S SUBJECTIVE.
>> LIKE, IF I NAIL A HOT DOG TO
A WOODEN DOOR --
>> ART.
>> I'LL BUY IT -- 100 BUCKS.
>> IT'S $200. I'M SORRY.
>> I'LL GIVE YOU $250.
>> DONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LET'S TALK ABOUT THE ART OF
NEGOTIATION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> TONIGHT, WE'RE JUST HANGING
OUT AT A BAR, PLAYING SOME
DARTS.
>> BUT EACH SEGMENT OF THE DART
BOARD WILL HAVE A RIDICULOUS
TASK WRITTEN ON IT.
>> WHATEVER STUPID THING THAT
YOUR DART HITS YOU HAVE TO DO.
>> IF YOU CAN'T COMPLETE THE
TASK, YOU LOSE.
>> Narrator: IT'S A DOUBLE DOWN
CHALLENGE.
>> YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT
I USED TO -- I TRAINED, WHEN I
WAS YOUNGER, TO BE A NINJA, AND
I WAS GOOD WITH THROWING CARDS.
>> I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> JOKER'S CHOICE!
>> JOKER'S CHOICE!
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> WHOLE BOARD, WHATEVER YOU
WANT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
I GUESS I'LL BABY-TALK A GUY.
>> WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK $50?
>> OH, I CAN PICK THE MIDDLE?
OH, WAIT! I CHANGE MY MIND!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD PICK THE
MIDDLE.
I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD PICK THE
MIDDLE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> JOEY!
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
>> [ As a baby ] BOTTLE OF MILK,
PLEASE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MAN, I THINK THE MOST
IMPORTANT LESSON THAT YOU COULD
LEARN FROM THIS WHOLE THING IS
THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A CHOICE...
>> [ Normal voice ] TAKE $50.
>> ...TAKE $50.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HOW ABOUT THIS BIG, BUFF GUY?
>> [ Laughing ] THIS GUY'S
PERFECT!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> THE GUY'S A FOOT TALLER THAN
YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> [ As a baby ] TOO TALL, ARE
YOU GETTING A DRINKY-WINKY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DRINK BEERS?
YOU DRINK BEERS.
>> YOU SOUND LIKE A
YODA/ELMER FUDD.
THAT'S WHO YOU SOUND LIKE,
RIGHT?
>> YEAH, IT'S BIZARRE.
>> THAT'S SO GOOD YOU DRINK THE
BEERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU EVER BEEN HERE BEFORE?
NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU LIKE IT?
HE LIKES IT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S A BIG PITCHER.
YOU GOT A BIG PITCHER.
YOU GOT A BIG PITCHER.
MAN OF FEW WORDS YOU ARE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ DING! ]
>> READY?
>> GET YOUR UPPER THIGH RUBBED!
>> YOU GOT TO GET YOUR UPPER
THIGH RUBBED.
>> HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET IT
RUBBED?
>> NOW, Q, I MEAN, THAT'S UP
HERE.
>> UPPER THIGH, BUDDY.
>> UPPER THIGH, NOT YOUR LOWER
THIGH.
>> WHAT'S UP, BRO?
>> HOW YOU DOING?
>> WANT TO RUB THAT THIGH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE GAVE HIM THE OFFER.
>> [ WHISTLES ]
>> WHAT ARE YOU?
A CONSTRUCTION WORKER?
>> [ WHISTLES ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE THINKS HE'S GOT SOMETHING
ON HIS THIGH.
>> MY THIGH.
MY THIGH, YEAH?
NICE, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WANT TO GET A RUB ON THAT?
[ WHISTLES ]
THIS...
LISTEN, THIS THIGH-RUBBING OFFER
AIN'T GONNA STAND ALL DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GET IN THERE. GET IN THERE.
LAST GUY WHO RUBBED MY THIGH WON
THE POWERBALL.
YEAH. HEY! ALL RIGHT!
YEAH! JUST TWO DUDES RUBBING
THIGHS IN BARS.
THAT'S ALL.
>> HE PICKED THE GUY WHO WAS
READY TO PLAY BALL...LITERALLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ DING! ]
IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT DART
CAN BE THROWN, MAKE A U-TURN,
COME BACK, AND STAB YOU IN THE
CHEST?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> All: OH!
SOCK IN YOUR MOUTH!
>> MURR, WHERE ARE YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HERE, WE SEE THE MURR IN HIS
NATURAL HABITAT.
>> I'M HAVING A BAD DAY, MAN.
I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET MY GIRL
HERE, RIGHT?
WE'RE GONNA HAVE DRINKS.
SHE CALLS ME UP.
SHE SAYS, "I DON'T WANT TO SEE
YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE I THINK YOUR
FEET LOOK WEIRD."
THAT MY FEET LOOK WEIRD.
I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT IN MY
LIFE.
SEE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IT LOOKS FINE.
LIKE, TAKE A LOOK, RIGHT?
YOUR FOOT LOOKS WORSE?
LET ME SEE.
>> OH.
>> LET ME SEE ONE REAL QUICK.
I JUST WANT TO SEE REAL QUICK.
>> HE GETS PEOPLE TO DO THIS
[BLEEP]
IT'S UNREAL.
>> I'LL HOLD THIS FOR YOU.
>> AAH! AAH!
>> THAT LOOKS TOTALLY FINE, MAN.
THAT LOOKS COMPLETELY FINE.
IT LOOKS COMPLETELY FINE.
I'M GONNA TELL HER...
>> WE'RE MOMENTS AWAY FROM
INSERTION.
I FEEL LIKE PROM NIGHT.
>> ...REAL QUICK.
I JUST WANT TO SEE REAL QUICK.
>> HE GETS PEOPLE TO DO THIS
[BLEEP]
IT'S UNREAL.
>> I'LL HOLD THIS FOR YOU.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> THAT LOOKS TOTALLY FINE.
IT LOOKS COMPLETELY FINE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA TELL HER...
IN ONE SECOND.
I'M GONNA TELL HER...
>> NO, HE DOESN'T!
NO, HE DOESN'T!
NO, HE DOESN'T!
>> DON'T DO IT.
PLEASE DON'T DO IT.
>> I AM NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH IT
AT ALL.
I'M NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH IT.
[ ALL CHEERING ]
>> YOU LIKE THAT?
IS THAT GOOD FOR YOU, MAN?
>> WHAT THE [BLEEP]
>> OH!
>> I'M JUST REALLY EMOTIONAL.
>> WAS THAT THE TASTE OF VICTORY
OR THE TASTE OF DE-FEET?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ DING! ]
>> DART TIME.
>> OH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "ROYAL KISS"A DUDE'S HAND.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
>> THAT THIS?
>> THAT'S THIS.
>> IS THAT THAT?
>> "BRO, KISS MY HAND."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT. I BID YOU ADIEU.
>> WELCOME, SIRE.
>> OH, LOOK AT HIM.
>> ROYAL-KISSING DUDES'S HANDS.
>> HOW DOES HIS HAIR LOOK SO
NEAT AND IN PLACE, AND THEN THE
SECOND YOU GET HERE, IT'S LIKE A
CAR ACCIDENT?
SAL, YOU'RE LIKE DON DRAPER UP
TOP AND ELEPHANT MAN DOWN BELOW
WITH, LIKE, THE TWO HAIR
DIFFERENCES GOING ON.
>> I'M AFRAID SOMEONE'S GONNA
PUNCH ME IN THE [BLEEP] FACE.
>> THERE'S A GUY TO YOUR LEFT.
OOPS.
[BLEEP] SORRY.
>> THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT,
MAN.
CRAZY. BUT THANKS.
THANKS FOR PICKING THAT UP FOR
ME.
I APPRECIATE THAT. OKAY.
CHEERS.
>> THAT WASN'T ROYAL.
THAT DON'T COUNT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> REMEMBER, THIS IS A ROYAL
HAND KISS, NOT JUST KISSING THE
HAND.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS SO IN A TIZZY.
I JUST...
>> HE JUST WIPED HIS HAND.
[ LAUGHS ]
"THAT WAS WEIRD."
[ BUZZER ]
>> Narrator: SAL COULDN'T SCORE
A WIN, SO HE'S TONIGHT'S BIG
LOSER.
>> SAL'S OUR LOSER AND, ALSO, A
PARTICULARLY STRESSED-OUT LITTLE
MAN.
>> SO WE'VE CREATED A
PRESENTATION THAT YOU HAVE TO GO
IN THERE AND DELIVER, TEACHING
PEOPLE HOW NOT TO SWEAT THE
SMALL THINGS.
>> 'CAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING
YOU DO REALLY WELL, MY FRIEND,
IT IS SWEATING THE SMALL THINGS.
>> I'M SWEATING ALREADY.
>> I KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEY, EVERYONE. HOW ARE YOU?
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW WE COULD DO
ANYTHING WORSE.
>> SO, TODAY'S SEMINAR, OF
COURSE, AND YOU GUYS KNOW IS
"DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL THINGS:
HOW TO CREATE A STRESS-FREE
LIFE."
>> HE'S THE MOST STRESSED OUT OF
ALL OF US.
>> HE LIVES THE MOST STRESSED
LIFE EVER.
>> LET'S BEGIN.
LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE WORRIED ABOUT
THREATS TO THEIR HEALTH, LIKE
CANCER AND DIABETES.
THEY SHOULD BE WORRIED, INSTEAD,
ABOUT THE SILENT KILLER, WHICH
IS STRESS, RIGHT.
>> I'M ACTUALLY NERVOUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER
THE AMOUNT OF STRESS YOU
ENCOUNTER IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD,
BUT THERE'S ONE PLACE THAT YOU
CAN CONTROL...
YOUR HOME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY.
>> THAT IS SAL'S HOUSE.
>> WE KNOW WHERE SAL HIDES HIS
KEY.
IT'S RIGHT THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
COME ON IN, GUYS.
LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON IN
SAL'S HOUSE.
NOW HE KNOWS THAT WE'RE IN HIS
HOUSE.
>> IN HIS HOUSE.
>> THAT IS SAL'S HOUSE.
>> COME ON IN, GUYS.
LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON IN
SAL'S HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SAL HAS STRICT RULES AT HIS
HOUSE.
YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
>> YEAH.
>> "DON'T GO IN MY BEDROOM."
>> "DON'T COME OVER."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MOVING ON...
CONSIDER A PET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S MY CAT IN SAL'S BED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
>> HE'S IN SHOCK.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
LET'S MOVE ON.
EAT RIGHT.
IF YOU'RE IN A HURRY, MAKE SURE
TO GRAB SOME BREAKFAST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SAL'S MILK.
>> THAT'S SAL'S.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S STILL AT SAL'S HOUSE.
>> THAT'S SAL'S PEANUT BUTTER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WAIT FOR IT. WAIT FOR IT.
AND IT GOES...RIGHT BACK IN THE
JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LOOK AT THIS GUY.
HE'S LIKE, "THAT PEANUT BUTTER
WAS VIOLATED."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DON'T STRESS ABOUT GERMS.
OH, GOD.
NOW, I USED TO LIVE LIFE AS,
LIKE, A GERMOPHOBE, REALLY.
>> USED TO?
WHAT'S THIS "USED TO," SAL?
>> I DON'T LIKE TOUCHING
HANDLES, PUBLIC RESTROOMS,
THINGS LIKE THAT.
>> I'M SO SICK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S SAL'S COUCH.
HERE YOU GO.
JUST SHOVE THAT RIGHT BETWEEN
THE CUSHIONS.
THAT TISSUE IS STILL IN YOUR
COUCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M SO HOT! OH, GOD!
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, IT'S GETTING MORE
COMFORTABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> [ GRUNTING ]
>> [ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD.
>> OH! OH!
>> OH, HE DIDN'T WASH HIS HANDS!
OH!
THAT'S YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND THERE IT IS.
I THOUGHT THAT ONE WOULD GET
YOU.
YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE TO
MAINTAIN PROPER HYGIENE, WHICH
IS WHY I DON'T GO INTO PUBLIC
RESTROOMS, WHICH IS WHY I ALWAYS
THOUGHT THAT MY PRIVATE BATHROOM
WAS SAFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY.
GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS.
A SENSE OF COMMUNITY CAN MAKE
ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "BE FRIENDLY WITH THE
NEIGHBORS."
>> "BE FRIENDLY."
>> OH!
OH!
>> HI, NEIGHBORS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH!
>> HI, NEIGHBORS.
>> HELLO, NEIGHBORS.
>> [ Laughing ] STRESS...
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, GOD.
ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO MOVE
BECAUSE THERE'S NO DOUBT I HAVE
PROBABLY HEPATITIS "A" THROUGH
ZED.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PLEASE TELL ME THAT WASN'T MY
REAL TOOTHBRUSH, PLEASE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
>> DON'T LOSE.
>> MY NEIGHBORS.
>> STOP LOSING AND STOP GOING
AWAY FOR THREE OR FOUR DAYS.
>> YOU WENT WHILE I WAS ON
VACATION?!
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW'D YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE?
WHICH ONE OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS
DID IT?
>> WE'RE NOT SAYING A WORD.
>> THE PERSON YOU'D LEAST
SUSPECT, THOUGH, I PROMISE YOU
THAT.
>> MY MOTHER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
DID YOU TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I TOOK MORE THAN MY SHOES
OFF.