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11-11-2011! Oh, Skyrim! I'm coming!
I can hear the sound of millions and trillions of gamers smashing their keyboards,
because Skyrim it's here.
Watching screenshots and trailers with their hands in their d****
Oh yeah, dragon ***!
Millions and trillions and quadrillions and millions of units will be sold all around the world.
And everyone thought the game was going to be perfect.
But, what if it isn't? Well, finally I got Skyrim and I proceeded to deflower it,
and I'll talk clearly, the game is great,
but I'll try to review it objectively and seriously, although being a big fan of the game.
Or at least, I'll try.
The game starts with you being a prisoner.
You're nuts because you killed a happy family who liked to make people happy as a clam in Lollipop Street.
Now seriously, I don't *** know who you are, but I bet you save the world at the end.
The game itself has an amazing exploration freedom.
Actually, if we want to kill the king from "X" place, we can just go and do it.
as long you have the skill to accomplish it, of course.
There's a point in which all that many options overwhelm you.
Almost everything can be combined, almost everything can be picked up,
the map is huge... you can decide almost everything.
Where do I go!? Right!? Left!? Right!? Left!?
In short, is Skyrim perfect? It's a game I've been addicted to these last days, but it's far to being the dragon *** which trailers promised.
But it's still better than Dragon Age 2, of course.
Mainly, what most ruins the game are the millions and trillions and quadrillions of bugs it has.
It has got more bugs than units sold. Bugs as hilarious as your partner being so dumb he bumps with an already activated fire trap.
Bugs so stupid such as if a giant smashes you, you start flying out like if a nuclear bomb just exploded there.
Great bugs like the one in which if you punch a chicken, even accidentally, all guards and medieval chavs will start slashing you,
just because you punched a chicken!
Maybe chickens are who truly rule Skyrim.
They are known as co***.
Oh, yes. Horses. One of the living beings with more bugs than dead beings.
Basically Horses in Skyrim are not like normal horses. They’re heavenly horses.
They can be flying horses, they can be Spider-horses, they can be... anyways, magical horses.
But you can’t shoot or attack when riding one.
For example, we can see a Spider-horse, and as you see the bear back there is like WTF?
We can also notice the game was made to be played in a videogames console rather than in a computer,
because some controls aren’t well configured by default if a keyboard is used to play.
At the beginning I liked that innovative interface, but then I cursed that *** inventory interface.
Unlike other traditional item interfaces, you can’t clearly check what you have equipped or an item comparison,
although at the end you can get used to it.
Besides all that, the plot is quite good, but too linear.
You’ve got two options: You accept everything you are said at the conversations,
or you skip the dialogues and kill all Skyrim’s living beings,
which wouldn’t make sense, but Skyrim would be only for you. It’s free.
It has also been criticized by players because it doesn’t have a multiplayer mode.
To be honest, I’ve also missed that.
It would be cool to kill all the queens of Skyrim with a friend, maybe not online but using a local network.
And yet another mistake of the game, included in the trillions of bugs I hope Beseda or Betesda or Besheda
(or however the name of the company which made it is spelt) will fix: The AI is *** stupid.
Well, let me correct myself. Allied AI is f***ing twirp. Enemy AI is f***ing overpowered.
A dragon can approach from more than 2km [1.2miles], but your allies will stay at his path
and will eat all the fire the dragon spits.
But enemies can see you even across walls and will come to smash you.
Again with the allies... oh, they’re so stupid. There’s no other word to describe allied AI.
I can’t believe they’ve done it on purpose, in fact, when an ally becomes an enemy he becomes clever!
They’ve worked a lot in enemy AI and nothing in more simple things.
For example, in a quest you follow a woman, walk 10 steps and she says “Follow me.”
You walk 10 more steps and she says “Follow me.”
Even if you are 50 meters ahead [54.6yd], she will keep stopping when you are 10 steps ahead to say “Follow me.”?
Or funny things like if you put a bucket in anyone’s head, they don’t see you steal.
Guys you have to follow are slow. On the contrary, enemies come fast to beat you up.
This is one of the few games in which 4-meter giants [13ft] are stronger and tougher than 30-meter dragons. [98ft] It doesn’t make much sense.
Another thing I didn’t like are relationships. Yeah, love relationships.
Why can’t I *** in Skyrim? My geek and virginal soul needs to have cyber-relationships with my beloved Lydia.
Oh my God Lydia, why don’t you love me? I don’t give a *** about housecarls and thanes,
I only want to love you and respect you till a new game us do part...
In conclusion, I was expecting something more from the so-called “Game of the year”.?
From my point of view there’s some work missing, mainly in the programming field.
But most of the bugs can be solved with updates. At last let’s say it’s a good game.
I highly recommend it. I’ve been really addicted to it these last days.
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Best wishes, see you!
Translated by Orphen
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