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Hi, I'm Bobby Mair, and this is my guide on how to live like a king
when you're a scumbag. And unlike these other self-help gurus
who are all hypocrites, I'm going to live my own life
by my own guide. Starting now.
If you have a partner, buy them jewellery from pawn shops
but tell them they're family heirlooms.
That way you seem like a great guy,
and if you do break up, not only do you get the jewellery back,
but you can take it to the same pawn shop
and trade it in for something sweet!
Don't work. Just do medical trials.
Yes, I nearly died, but in general you get a warm bed,
some new friends, and if your favourite hobby
is giving blood 20 times a day,
then you get paid to do what you love!
I got £1,200 and the taste of blood every time I cough!
Instead of getting a personal trainer,
just close your eyes when you're naked.
Evidence suggests that ignorance is twice as effective as exercise.
And no matter what, you're probably going to die alone.
Don't waste money on servants.
Just stare at someone intensely
after they do something nice for you.
That way, they'll hopefully be so afraid
that they'll do another nice thing out of fear for their safety.
Here you go, mate.
Thank you.
Instead of wasting hours with baths and water,
just use dry shampoo,
because every part of your body has invisible hairs on it!
Ugh!
Except for your mouth!
It's not a toothpaste substitute.
Bobby, that's hairspray.
Oh, now I can't smoke, cos I'm flammable!
And finally, whenever you need extra cash,
just sit on the ground and look sad.
Someone will give you money.
That's not enough for a coffee!
You disgust me!
***