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I KNEW SHE WAS GETTING BETTER,
WHEN SHE TOLD ME TO LEAVE.
I SAID I DON'T HAVE ANY
PLANS.
>> SHE SAID, DON'T MAKE THEM
HERE.
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW SHE WAS
BETTER.
>> DID SHE GIVE YOU THE OLD
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME, YOU
JUST NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE?
>> EXACTLY.
>> SHE KEPT LOOKING OVER THE
-- OVER TO THE NURSE TO PUT
THE CHAIRS ON TOP OF THE
TABLE.
SHE HAD A THERAPY DOG TODAY.
THAT MADE HER HAPPY.
>> HAPPIER THAN HER SON.
>> YES.
JAY SHE IS A WISE WOMAN.
>> SHE IS A WISE WOMAN.
GO AWAY.
>>> LET'S WELCOME OUR GUESTS.
SHE IS SO HOT SHE CAN BROIL A
WHOPPER AT 20 PACES AND I AM
TALKING ABOUT THE BURGER.
I AM HERE WITH PATTI ANN
BROWNE.
AND IF JOKES WERE STICKS HE
WOULD BE REALLY STICKY.
IT IS JOE DEVITO WITH HIS
POCKET SQUARE.
IT NEVER GOES AWAY.
IT MUST HIDE SOMETHING.
AND IN NORWAY HE IS CONSIDERED
A STOOL, MY REPULSIVE SIDEKICK
BILL SCHULZ.
I MISS HIM.
AND IF THOUGHTFUL COMMENTARY
WERE FRESHLY BAKED MUFFINS HE
WOULD COME IN A BASKET.
AMERICA'S FUTURE FOUNDATION
CHAIRMAN.
>>> WELSHES HIS APPROACH TO --
WELL, HIS APPROACH TO TEACHES
HAD CE-ED -- CO-EDS
SCREECHING.
I AM TALKING ABOUT A PROFESSOR
WHO PUT ON A BIZARRE SHOW TO
BEGIN A QUANTUM MECHANICS
CLASS.
IT SHOWS EMILY HUGHES STRIPING
WHILE EATING A BANANA FOLLOWED
BY A STUFFED ANIMAL GETTING
IMPALED BY NINJAS AGAINST THE
BACKDROP OF 9/11 AND NAZI
GERMANY FOOTAGE.
I DO THIS ALL THE TIME WITH
PAB.
ROLL TAPE, TAPE ROLLERS.
>> IS THAT A BANANA?
>> YES.
>> OH MY GOD.
>> OH MY GOD.
>> IN ORDER TO LEARN QUANTUM
MECHANICS YOU ERASE ALL OF THE
GARBAGE FROM YOUR BRAIN AND
YOU START OVER AGAIN.
QUANTUM MECHANICS IS NOTHING
YOU HAVE LEARNED.
EVERYTHING YOU DO IS OPPOSITE
TO WHAT YOU WILL LEARN IN
QUANTUM MECHANICS.
>> HE WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.
LONELY, WEIRD PROFESSOR WILL
TELL YOU HOW THE WORLD WORKS.
IT IS NOTHING LIKE YOU HAVE
EVER SEEN, MAN.
COME OVER TO MY PLACE.
I HAVE A FRENCH PRESS.
I CAN MAKE UH COPY.
DESPITE HIS EXPLANATION MORE
WERE MORE CONFUSED THAN
USUAL.
IT WAS DISTURBING AND I DON'T
THINK ANYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE
GOT WHAT HE WAS DOING.
HE DIDN'T EXPLAIN OR PROVIDE A
CONTEXT AND THAT'S WHY IT WAS
OFFENSIVE TO ME AND OTHER
PEOPLE.
COLUMBIA STUDENT NEWSPAPER
REPORT SAYS IT IS NOT THE
FIRST STUNT HUGHES HAS
PULLED.
ACTUALLY THAT WAS ME ON
VACATION IN LONDON.
THAT IS FAR MORE ENTERTAINING
THAN WHAT IT IS JACK-N-APE
DID.
I HAVEN'T USED THAT IN
AWHILE.
DOESN'T IT PROVE A POINT ABOUT
EDUCATION THAT I AM NOT SMART
ENOUGH TO MAKE?
>> YES, ALMOST CERTAINLY.
>> YOU ARE PROBABLY SMART
ENOUGH TO MAKE THIS POINT,
GREG.
THE ONLY REASON ANY OF US CARE
ABOUT THIS ISSUE IS WE ARE
SUBSIDIZING THE EDUCATION OF
THESE POOR, POOR, POOR
STUDENTS WHO WERE SUBJECTED TO
THESE NONSENSE.
IT WAS A FABULOUS CHOICE OF
SONG FROM LIL WAYNE.
IT IS A DECADE OR SO OLD, BUT
ITth IS VERY, VERY
IMPORTANT STUFF.
IT IS EXPACTSLY WHAT YOU WOULD
EXPECT AT A STRIP CLUB.
FOR THAT REASON ALONE I FEEL
BAD FOR THESE STUDENTS.
>> YOU MENTIONED STRIP CLUB.
HE SHOULD BE DOING
BACHELORETTE PARTIES, PAB.
HE IS LIKE A DAVID BRENT FROM
"THE OFFICE" OR MAY CAL
SCOTT -- OR MICHAEL SCOTT
FROM" THE OFFICE."
AS A PARENT, AND YOU ARE A
PARENT, AS YOU CLAIM TO BE
THOUGH WE NEVER SEE YOU WITH
KIDS.
PERHAPS IT IS A WEIRD
MANNEQUIN YOU CARRY AROUND.
WOULD YOU DEMAND YOUR MONEY
BACK?
>> WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO
ANDY LEVY WHO IS A PROUD
COLUMBIA GRAD, IT IS INSANE.
>> THAT'S SCHOOL OF
BROADCASTING, BY THE WAY.
>> OBVIOUSLY HE WAS TRYING TO
GET THEIR ATTENTION, BUT YOU
CAN DO THAT IN A NONVIOLENT
WAY.
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT IMAGES OF
MASS ***, 9/11, PICTURES OF
OSAMA BIN LADEN AND SADDAM
HUSSEIN AND HITLER AND IT IS
VERY DARK.
THEY ARE STABBING STUFFED
ANIMALS WITH A SWORD.
>> YOU NOY -- YOU NOY WHAT IT
IS THOUGH?
HE HAS THE MIND OF A HIGH
SCHOOL KID DOING A FILM AND
SAYING I WILL GET ALL OF THESE
CRAZY VIDEOS.
IT IS GOING TO BE THE EXOWE
STEN SHALL VIEW OF THE WORLD.
THE WORLD SUCKS SO GROW UP,
EVERYBODY.
WHEN A TEACHER TRIES TO DO
SOMETHING LIKE THIS, THEY ARE
THINKING THE STUDENTS ARE
THINKING THEY ARE COOL WHICH
MAKES THEM GO TO COOL HELL.
THEY CAN'T GET OUT OF IT, OR
COOL ISLAND WHERE THEY WILL
NEVER GET OFF.
>> I THINK THAT IS THE MOST
OFFENSIVE PARTS IS THE LAZY
THINKING.
IT IS AS THOUGHT PROVOKING AS
STREAKING THROUGH THE QUAD.
THE IDEA THAT THE BEST SONG HE
COULD COME UP WITH -- I'M
SURPRISED HE WASN'T PLAYING IT
ON A BOOM BOX.
IT IS LIKE THE POWER CASSETTE
TAPE.
IF YOU LOOK AT THE WORLD WE
LIVE IN, WHAT CAN YOU BE
SHOCKED BY ANYMORE?
YOU HAVE HONEY BOO BOO AND THE
SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.
THIS WILL REALLY SHOW.
THIS WILL REALLY OPEN MINDS.
NO IT WON'T.
YOU ARE JUST WASTING PEOPLE'S
TIME.
>> IT REMINDS ME OF THE DAVID
BRANDT WHEN HE TRIED TO DO IT
WITH THE TAPE RECORDER.
I DON'T REMEMBER THE SAME OF
THE SONG.
>> "SIMPLY THE BEST."
>> IN COLLEGE ALL OF YOUR
CLASSES WERE LIKE THIS.
HOW COULD HE HAVE IMPROVED
THIS AS AN EXPERT?
>> HE HAS PROVED THE ADDITION
TO THE ADAGE, THOSE WHO CAN'T
DO TEACHERS AND.
THOSE WHO CAN'T DO OTHER
PEOPLE TEACHERS AND OTHER
PEOPLE.
HE IS HOPING STUDENTS WILL
FORGET ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE
IS RIDICULOUS AND LOOK AT THE
FACT HE IS A MAVERICK
PROFESSOR WHO HAS THE BEST
WEED IN THE ROOM PROBABLY.
AND MAYBE I DON'T MIND GOING
TO HAVE ESPRESSO IN HIS OFFICE
AND WE WILL SEE WHAT
TRANSPIRES FROM THERE.
WHEN I FIRST READ THIS STORY I
ASSUMED HE WAS RIPPED.
THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON HE
WAS DOING THIS TO SHOW
EVERYONE HE HAD JUST GOT A
PERSONAL TRAINER.
INDEED HE WAS NOT AND I GIVE
HIM KUDOS FOR THAT.
>> YOU WOULD THENG MAYBE HE
SPENT -- YOU WOULD THINK MAYBE
HE SPENT FOUR WEEKS IN A ZUMBA
CLASS.
MORGAN FREE MAN MAKES THIS
STUFF INTERESTING.
DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO STRIP
OFF YOUR CLOTHES?
>> THIS IS WHAT DRIVES ME
NUTS.
YOU HEARD THE STUDENTS
LAUGHING.
IF YOU HAVE A 14-WEEK SEMESTER
WITH FIVE CLASSES THAT IS 80
CLASSES AND IT IS $275 TO $300
PER CLASS.
SO PERINO ON "THE FIVE" HAD A
GOOD IDEA.
YOU THEY EVER SEE THE MONEY
WHEN YOUR PARENT BUYS THE
TUITION OR WHATEVER OR PAYS
FOR THE TUITION.
BUT WHAT IF YOU HAD TO GO TO
CLASS AND YOU PAID AS YOU WENT
IN.
YOU WOULD NOT BE LAUGHING WHEN
YOU SIT DOWN.
YOU THOUGHT I SHOULD HAVE
BOUGHT TICKETS TO BOOK OF
MORMON.
>> YOU WOULD BE LAUGHING IF IT
WAS YOUR PARENTS' MONEY.
>> HAVE I GONE TO EVERY SINGLE
SINGLE -- I HAVE GONE TO EVERY
SINGLE BROADWAY SHOW AND NEVER
ONCE HAVE I GOTTEN A DEGREE
FROM COLUMBIA.
>> I KNOW IF ANYBODY, BILL,
YOU COULD SPEND $22,000 IN
COLUMBIA, BUT NOT THAT
COLUMBIA IF YOU KNOW WHAT I AM
SAYING.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE
SAYING.
>> NEITHER DO I.
NONDRUG HUMOR HERE.
>> FROM SUCKING TO PACKING,
JOE SALAZAR, IS THERE ANY
OTHER KIND, IS THE SUBJECT OF
RIDICULE AFTER HIS COMMENTS
LAST FRIDAY.
DURING A DEBATE ON CONCEALED
WEAPONS BANS ON CAMPUS, THEY
EXPLAINED WHY BEING ARMED IS
BAD FOR WOMEN WHO ARE WORRIED
ABOUT BEING ***.
HERE IS A REMINDER PEOPLE WHO
NEED A REMINDER.
>> THAT'S WHY WE HAVE CALL
BOXES.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE SAFE
ZONES.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE THE
WHISTLES.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHO YOU
WILL BE SHOOTING AT.
IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE GOING
TO BE *** OR IF YOU FEEL
LIKE SOMEBODY IS FOLLOWING YOU
AROUND AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE
YOU ARE IN TROUBLE AND YOU MAY
NOT BE AND YOU POP OUT THE GUN
AND POP A ROUND AT SOMEBODY.
>> POP A ROUND.
HE IS CONTEMPORARY.
ON MONDAY SALAZAR APOLOGIZED
ISSUING A STATEMENT TO OUR
AFFILIATE SAYING I'M SORRY IF
I OFFENDED ANYBODY.
THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION.
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IF GUNS
MAKE PEOPLE SAFE OTHER
CAMPUS.
IF ANYBODY THINKS I AM I AM
SENSITIVE TO THE DANGERS IS
WRONG.
SPEAKING OF HIGHLY OFFENSIVE.
>> I APOLOGIZE IF I OFFENDED
ANYBODY.
CLEARLY THAT IS THOUGHT
OFFENSIVE AT ALL.
PAB, I DISAGREE WITH WHAT
SALAZAR SAID.
BUT I ALSO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
THIS WHOLE HE HAS TO
APOLOGIZE.
I DON'T THINK HE WAS -- I
THINK WHAT HE WAS SAYING IS
WRONG.
WOMEN PROBABLY CAN'T BE
TRUSTED WITH A GUN.
BUT WHAT HE WAS REALLY TRYING
TO SAY IS HE JUST DIDN'T WANT
GUNS ON CAMPUS.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> THEN HE SHOULD DEMAND A BAN
ON CONCEALED WEAPONS OF ANY
SORT.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU WILL BE
SHOOTING AT.
PROBABLY THE BAD GUY, RIGHT?
AND THEN IT SAYS WOMEN, WHAT
IF YOU THINK YOU ARE IN
TROUBLE WHEN YOU MAY NOT BE
AND YOU POP A ROUND AT
SOMEBODY?
IS IT A PROBLEM WHERE WOMEN
ARE THINKING THEY ARE IN
DANGER WHEN THEY ARE NOT AND
WHIPPING OUT THEIR GUNS AND
SHOOTING RANDOMLY?
>> I HAD AN ISSUE WITH A POP A
ROUND.
ALL HE WAS TRYING TO SAY WAS
MORE GUNS ON CAMPUS OR MORE
GUNS BY ACCIDENT.
THEY AREN'T LOUSY, PARKERS.
THEY ARE LOW RISK.
THEY ARE MORE RISK AVER SIGH.
RISK AVERSIVE.
>> WOMEN DON'T DO PAR CORE
BECAUSE THEY ARE SMARTER THAN
MEN.
WAS THERE EVER A WOMAN IN
"***"?
>> NO.
>> THERE WAS A FAT GUY.
THERE WAS A LITTLE PERSON.
THERE IS A DEAD GUY, BUT THERE
IS NO WOMEN.
>> THERE ARE REAMES OF WOMEN
WHO HAVE GOTTEN DISEASES FROM
THE "***" CREW.
BUT THEY ARE NOT ON CAMERA
DOING IT.
TO THE BEST OF THEIR
KNOWLEDGE.
>> I GUESS MY ARGUMENT IS
WOMEN ARE GENERALLY BETTER
THAN MEN WHEN IT COMES TO
ASSESSING RISK AND BEING
CAREFUL.
WOULDN'T THE ARGUMENT BE THAT
THEY SHOULD BE THE ONES WITH
THE GUNS?
>> ALL WOMEN SHOULD HAVE
GUNS.
>> I BELIEVE THAT.
THERE ARE MORE BAD GUYS OUT
THERE THAN GOOD WOMEN, RIGHT?
>> I WOULD HAVE TO DO THE MATH
ON THAT.
>> I DID.
IT IS 1.6 MILLION -- NO, I
DON'T KNOW.
>> THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
WE HAVE TO GET SERIOUS ABOUT
THE GUN CONTROL DEBATE.
DISARMING RESPONSIBLE
CITIZENS WHO HAVE CONCEAL
CARRY PERMITS AND THEY ARE
THAT THOUGHTFUL AND GOING
THROUGH THE PROCESS OF
LEGITIMATELY CARRYING A
FIREARM THAT THEY ARE SOMEHOW
THE ONES THAT ARE ENDANGERING
ALL OF US IS ABSOLUTELY
ABSURD.
>> IT IS DRIVEN BY THE FACT
THAT PART OF IT IS GUNS -- I
THINK IF YOU ARE ON DIFFERENT
COASTS TOO YOU ARE NOT AROUND
GUNS A LOT, SO YOU ASSIGN AN
EMOTIONAL FEELING TO AN
INANIMATE OBJECT BECAUSE YOU
ARE NOT AROUND IT OFTEN.
I WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I MOVED
TO NEW YORK.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
IT IS LIKE A MIDWESTERN PERSON
COMING TO NEW YORK AND SEEING
A GAY BAR.
WHAT IS THAT?
OR A PERSON FROM NEW YORK TO
COLORADO AND SEES EVERYBODY
WITH A GUN AND THEY SAY WHAT'S
THAT?
PROBABLY A TERRIBLE
COMPARISON.
>> TRYING TO THINK
MIDWESTERNER AND I SAW A GAY
BAR AND IT WAS LIKE THIS IS
AWFUL.
I WEPT RIGHT IN.
ONLY BECAUSE OF THE HAPPY HOUR
DEAL.
>> YOU CONVINCED YOURSELF THAT
ALL SPORTS BARS IN NEW YORK
ARE SHIRTLESS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, AND THEN YOU
CONVINCED -- SPORTS BARS DON'T
HAVE TO HAVE TV'S EITHER.
>> I ASSUMED THEY WERE
ATHLETES BECAUSE THEY WERE
RIPPED.
>> THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY
RIPPED.
TALKING ABOUT HAVING A PAIR OF
GUNS.
DO YOU THINK THIS GUY WAS
UNCOMFORTABLE HAVING WOMEN
ARMED OR HE IS THE TYPE OF GUY
WHO WALKS ON TO A PLANE AND
SEES A WOMAN PILOT AND SAYS
OGOD?
>> I THINK OUR LEGISLATORS
NEED TO STOP WITH THE OFF THE
CUFF ***.
THEY SHOULD SAY, LET ME GET
BACK TO YOU.
FIRST THE IDEA THAT SOMEHOW
WOMEN -- TO ME IT IS
INTERESTING HOW LIBERAL AND
LEFTY PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS THIS
IDEA, THESE ACCIDENTAL
SHOOTINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO
BE HAPPENING, BUT THEY DON'T
WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE ACTUAL
CRIMINAL WHO IS DOING THE REAL
SHOOTINGS.
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO TRUST
PROFESSIONALS.
LIKE WHO?
THE LAPD?
ONE COP WAS RUNNING AROUND
KILLING PEOPLE AND THE OTHER
COPS WERE SHOOTING UP ANYBODY
THEY THOUGHT WERE HIM.
WE WILL SAY TRUST
PROFESSIONALS HERE.
FIRST OF ALL I THINK HE WOULD
HAVE MADE A BETTER IMPRESSION
IF HE KEPT HIS MATCHING GOLD
TOP HAT AND MATCHING CANE THAT
WENT WITH HIS BOW TIE.
WHEN HE IS WEARING ACCESSORIES
YOU LISTEN TO WHAT HE WAS
SAYING.
>> I WAS CONCENTRATING ON THE
BOW TIE.
MAYBE THAT IS HIS OWN
SELF-DEFENSE MECHANISM.
AND THEN YOU JUST FALL DOWN.
I USED TO DO THAT A LOT.
I WOULD SPIN MY BODY AND THE
BOW TIE WOULD STAND THERE.
GYRO ANBAR YOU DATED HER
THROUGH THE 1990s AND SHE
BOUNCED BACK AFTER TOM
ARNOLD.
SHE TWEETED HER SUPPORT WITH
TWEETS LIKE I AM THE WOMAN OF
THE WORLD.
SEND GUNS AND AM MOW.
AND AMMO.
IT IS THE ONLY TIME IN MY LIFE
I AGREE WITH ROSEANNE.
AREN'T WE ALL RIGHT?
>> THEY BRING UP A GOOD
POINT.
YOU ARE TALKING RESPONSIBLE
CITIZENS CARRYING GUNS.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A
RESPONSIBLE CITIZEN IN
COLLEGEMENT THIS DPIE WAS IN A
CONTROVERSIAL WAY KIND OF
SAYING THAT.
NOW, I DON'T NECESSARILY THINK
COLLEGE KIDS SHOULD BE HAVING
GUNS.
I DEFINITELY DON'T THINK
ROSEANNE BARR SHOULD BE HAVING
GUNS.
SHE HERSELF IS A GUN.
IF AN INTRUDER COMES TOWARD
HER IT IS MULTIPLE BULLETS
COMING TOWARD HER HEAD.
>> SHE IS A FIERY, TOUGH
LADY.
THE THING ABOUT THE ELEMENT OF
THE YOUNG IS THE ELEMENT OF
ALCOHOL.
THIB THAT TRAINS WITH WEAPON
WEAPONS KNOWS YOU CAN'T MIX
THE TWO.
YOU DON'T HEAR A LOT ABOUT
THAT..
>> HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ABOUT A
WOMAN PULLING OUT HER GUN AND
SAYING I THOUGHT HE WAS A
*** SO I SHOT HIM?
>> NO, WHAT YOU HEAR ARE MASS
SHOOTINGS ARE THE GUN FREE
ZONES.
PERHAPS A WOMAN COULD HAVE
BLOWN HIS BRAINS OUT.
WHAT A SIN TAU LATING
CONVERSATION.
WE COULD TALK ABOUT THIS FOR
HOURS.
IF MY LOVELY SALMON SWEATER.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR KID AT THE
MALL WILL HE FIND HIS WAY BACK
HOME?
MAYBE, BUT IF NOT WHO CARES?
>> CAN A MAGIC PILL TAKE YOU
FROM HAMMERED TO SOBER IN A
MATTER OF MINUTES?
BLAH,
>>> SHOULD YOU JUST SAY NO?
SHOULD YOU JUST SAY NO WHEN
THERE IS MONEY TO BLOW?
TWO KANSAS BROTHERS, IS THERE
ANY OTHER KIND ACCIDENTALLY
BLEW UP THEIR HOUSE WHEN
CELEBRATING A LOTTERY WIN ON
FRIDAY NIGHT THANKS TO A
RECENT MESS AND MARIJUANA
PURCHASE.
POLICE SAY THE EXPLOSION
HAPPENED AFTER ONE OF THE
BROTHERS REFUELED THE BUTANE
TORCHES THE TWO PLANNED TO
LIGHT THEIR *** WITH.
AND AS THE OFFICER EXPLAINED
THIS TO THE WICHITA EAGLE, A
NEWSPAPER, NOT THE BIRD PAB,
QUOTE, THE BUTANE VAPOR
REACHED THE PILOT LIGHT AND AS
YOU MIGHT EXPECT, KABOOM.
IF I HAD A BAG OF *** EVERY
TIME I HEARD THAT SENTENCE.
ONE WAS RELEASED FROM THE ER
AND HE WAS WEARING A LOTTERY
T-SHIRT.
THE OTHER BROTHER WAS IN
JAIL.
AND AFTER ALL THIS, THERE IS
STILL THIS.
A BAG FULL OF ***.
MY THEORY IS, IT IS THE
LOTTO'S FAULT.
WHEN YOU AWARD SOMEBODY
$75,000 IT DOESN'T SET YOU UP
FOR LIFE.
IT ONLY GIVES YOU AT BEST SIX
MONTHS PARTY WINDOW.
YOU FACTOR IN THE NIGHTS AT
THE BEST WESTERN AND THE CRUDE
LAB INSTRUMENTS.
>> I WANT TO TALK DIRECTLY TO
THE KIDS ON THIS ONE.
IF YOU WIN 75 SACKS, SACKS IN
ASSISTED OF RACKS.
THAT IS THOUSANDS.
IF YOU WIN 75 SACKS YOU SHOULD
UPGRADE TO A DESIGNER DRUG.
NO ONE EVER BURNS THEIR HOUSE
DOWN DOING BLOW.
>> WELL THERE WAS THAT ONE
TIME IN 2004, BILL.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU
BROUGHT THE MATCHES TO BEGIN
WITH.
I DON'T OWN CANDLES, GREG.
JAY I DECIDED IT WOULD BE A
GREAT IDEA TO MAKE A SHIP OUT
OF MATCHES.
>> YOU ENDED UP TELLING ME
ABOUT YOUR SCRIPT FOR FOUR
HOURS.
>> IT WAS ABOUT A GOOD I WHO
TRIES TO BUILD A SHIP OUT OF
MATCHES.
>> WHY ARE THERE SO FEW HAPPY
ENDINGS?
THERE HAS TO BE A REASON FOR
THIS. .
>> IT IS JUST ENOUGH MONEY TO
GET INTO TROUBLE.
I LIKE THE FULL SCALE OF WE
ARE GETTING THE BIG BUTANE.
>> WE ARE GOING ALL OUT.
I THINK THE FUNNIEST PART OF
THE STORY IS THE GUY GOT
DROPPED OFF AT THE HOSPITAL BY
HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH A CARLOAD
OF KIDS.
SHE JUST DROPPED THEM OFF AT
THE HOSPITAL AND THEY SPLIT
LIKE NO ONE STUCK AROUND.
IT MAKES ME THINK NO ONE WAS
TOO SURPRISED THIS
TRANSPIRED.
>> I BET SHE WAS THRILLED THEY
SPENT THAT MONEY ON DRUGS AND
NOT PERHAPS THE KIDS' HEALTH
CARE.
SHOULDN'T THEY SUE THE
LOTTERY?
THAT'S WHAT I WOULD DO BECAUSE
I AM A LOSER.
>> HONESTLY THERE IS AN
AWESOME SHOW ON TLC "THE
LOTTERY CHANGED MY LIFE" AND
IT IS NEF A HAPPY ENDING.
IF YOU START OUT POOR AND
STUPID AND THEN WIN THE
LOTTERY, YOU MAY BE RICH, BUT
YOU ARE STILL STUPID.
STUPID PEOPLE WITH MONEY ARE
MORE DANGEROUS THAN STUPID
PEOPLE WITHOUT MONEY.
>> YOU HAVE TURNED INTO THE
EVIL.
>>> BILL, IF YOU WERE AWARDED
$70,000 -- $75,000 IF IT WORKS
OUT 17 TIMES THE SALARY, WOULD
YOU IMMEDIATELY RETIRE AND FLY
OFF TO SOMEPLACE LIKE NEWARK?
>> IN MY MIND THAT IS A LIFE
SALARY AND NEWARK IS PAW LAY
SHALL AND SUNNY.
I HAVE SOME BROTHERS MYSELF,
AND THIS IS THE COOKIE
MISCHIEF WE WOULD GET INTO.
I LOOK AT THE STORY AND I SAY
TO MYSELF, BOYS WILL BE BOYS.
I LOOK AT THE GIRLFRIEND THAT
DROPPED HIM OFF AT THE
HOSPITAL AND LAUGHED.
I SAY TO MYSELF, GIRLS ARE
EVIL.
>> IF SHE HAS KIDS WITH HER
THEY WERE USING THE ***.
>> SHE HAD TO DANCE HER
SHIFT.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> WE CAN DOUBLE IT AS A TOY
I'M SURE.
>> BY THE WAY, WHEN I WAS
STUCK I WATCHED A BUNCH OF
INTERVENTIONS.
I COULD STILL GET MOVED BY
THAT SHOW AT THE END.
IT IS SO BIZARRE.
I WATCHED LINING -- I WATCHED
LIKE FOUR IN A ROW AND I KEPT
GOING, GOD, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
HE WAS A SPECIAL CHILD.
HE WOULD SAY HE IS A SPECIAL
CHILD.
HE HAD SO MUCH LIFE.
AND THEN HE IS SUCCEEDING
SOMETHING THROUGH A VEIN AND I
AM CRYING.
IF I WAS DRUNK.
>> I CAN'T AFFORD A TV.
INSTEAD OF INTERVENTIONS I
WATCH INTERSECTIONS.
SMOG AND GETTING PEOPLE RUN
OVER .
>> THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
INITER SECTIONS.
>> SOMETHING IS BOUND TO
HAPPEN.
IT IS CALLED THE TRAFFIC OF
LIFE.
>> THERE HAS TO BE ACCIDENTS.
YOU FIND BUSY INTERSECTIONS
AND YOU CALL THEM
INTERSECTIONS.
>> IF I AM SITTING THERE THERE
WILL BE AN ACCIDENT.
>> YOU HAVE THE NARRATOR THAT
GOES, YOU GO TO AN
INTERSECTION AND A TRUCK HITS
AND IT GOES, OH IF THAT IS A
BAD INTERSECTION IN
CINNCINATI, THIS IS A SHOW
IS.
>>ING THIS IS GOING TO
HAPPEN.
>> WHY DON'T WE BLOW THROUGH
HALF TIME AND TELL ANDY TO
TAKE A WALK AND WE WILL WORK
THIS OUT WITH THE AUDIENCE AT
HOME.
DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT ON THE
SHOW?
E-MAIL RED EYE AT FOX
NEWS.COM.
IF YOU HAVE A VIDEO OF YOUR
ANIMAL DOING SOMETHING, CLICK
ON SUBMIT A VIDEO.
WE MIGHT USE IT OF THE STILL
TO COME, THE HALF TIME REPORT
TO BE REPLACED BY
INTERSECTIONS FROM TV'S ANDY
LEVY.
>> TONIGHT'S HALF TIME REPORT
IS SPONSORED BY TOMATOES.
THE RED FRUIT WITH SKIN AND
PULPY FRESH EATEN RAW OR
COOKED.
THANKS, TOMATOES.
>>> LET'S FIND OUT IF WE GOT
ANYTHING WRONG SO FAR.
FOR THAT WE GO TO ANDY LEVY.
WHAT IS UP?
>> I AM GOOD.
>> WELCOME BACK.
>> THANKS, GLAD TO BE HERE.
DESPITE SEEING YOU.
>> LIAR.
>> COLUMBIA PROFESSOR GIVES
INTERESTING QUANTUM MECHANICS
LECTURE.
YOU MENTIONED COLUMBIA AND
THEN SAID GO BED SORES.
IT IS LIONS YOU ***.
>> WELL YOU GET BED SORES IF
YOU ARE LYING AROUND.
>> YOU COULD PROBABLY CATCH A
FLIGHT TO CATCH CATCH IF YOU
LEFT NOW.
>> THAT WAS SO BAD IT WAS
GOOD.
>> IT WAS REPORTED WITH LIL
WAYNE'S "DROP IT LIKE IT'S
HOT" HE STRIPPED DOWN AND
PROCEEDED TO CHANGE INTO A
BLACK T-SHIRT AND PANTS AND
THEN HE SAT ON THE CHAIR AND
HUGGING HIS KNEES IN A FETAL
POSITION.
THAT'S YOU EVERY DAY AFTER
"THE FIVE."
>> THAT'S SO TRUE.
BUT I DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF
ANYBODY EXCEPT YOU AND BILL.
I HIDE MY PROBLEMS.
>> AND WE HAVE YET TO POST THE
VIDEO.
>> YOU SAID THE SONG WAS "DROP
IT LIKE IT'S HOT."
>> TO LIL WAYNE WITH THE HOT
BOYS.
>> MY BAD.
MY BAD.
>> WITH THE CARDIGAN TO PROVE
IT.
>> AND THE CAMO PANTS.
>> I DIDN'T SEEN SEE YOUR
LEGS.
SORRY, ANDY.
HE IS WEARING CAMO PANTS.
>> REALLY?
>> I DIDN'T SEE HIS LEGS.
>> YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT THE
PROFESSOR USED DARK IMAGES
LIKE BIN LADEN, SADDAM
HUSSEIN, BUT THAT'S THE WORLD,
MAN.
WEAK UP.
>> -- WAKE UP.
>> YOU REALLY CAN'T SHOCK
PEOPLE ANYMORE.
THEY WERE DESPERATELY GRABBING
AT THE MOST OBVIOUS.
THEY WERE SAYING KIDS WERE
LAUGHING, BUT NOT ALL OF THE
STUDENTS WERE LAUGHING.
A LOT OF THEM WERE VERY
UPSET.
>> IT WAS LIKE THE SCENE IN
CLOCKWORK ORANGE, BUT DONE
VERY BADLY.
>> AND YOU CAN'T DROP THIS
CLASS.
IT IS A CORE CLASS.
THESE KIDS DID NOT CHOOSE TO
BE IN THIS CLASS AND THEY
CAN'T DROP IT.
>> GOOD FOR THEM, I SAY.
>> YOU SAID THIS WAS A WASTE
OF TIME FOR THE STUDENTS.
>> CLEARLY HIS PERFORMANCE ART
DIDN'T WORK.
10 MINUTES.
BIG DEAL.
>> OKAY.
THEY NEVER REALLY CAUGHT ON
FOR ME.
>> THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
CANDY THAT CAME OUT.
>> DID YOU EVER DO A SET WHERE
NOBODY LAUGHED FOR THE FIRST
10 MINUTES?
>> DID I EVER?
>> WELL THEN YOU SHOULD BE
SYMPATHETIC.
>> THEY DIDN'T PAY $270 TO
LISTEN TO JOE'S UNFUNNY
HUMOR.
>> NOT EVEN COMBINED AS AN
AUDIENCE.
>> IF YOU WATCH A COMIC WHO
GOES UP AND SAY A LIT KNEE OF
THINGS THAT ARE OBNOXIOUS AND
GROSS, AND PEOPLE DON'T LAUGH
AND THEY ARE LIKE, YOU CAN'T
HANDLE IT?
NO IT IS NOT GOOD.
IT IS NOT DOING THE THING IT
IS SUPPOSED TO DO.
>> ARE YOU INSINUATING HE IS
LIKE PAUL McCURIO?
>> NO APPARENTLY AFTER 10
MINUTES EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.
ONCE HE CHATTED THE MENTALITY.
>> YOU PEOPLE.
YOU SAID PROFESSOR HUGHES WAS
DOING THIS TO GET LAID.
HE IS ACTUALLY HAPPILY MARRIED
WITH TWO KIDS.
>> OKAY.
>> WHICH 100% REFUTES YOUR
POINT.
YOU ALL RIPPED PROFESSOR
HUGHES.
UNDERSTAND HE DOES MOST OF HIS
WORK IN SARIN AND HE WAS CO
LEADER OF THE EXPERIMENT THAT
MADE THE MOST PRECISE
MEASUREMENT OF THE MIXING
POINT.
>> HE IS A USEFUL PART OF
CIVILIZATION.
>> HE IS A RENOUNED
PHYSICIST.
>> BUT THERE IS NO REASON FOR
THIS.
>> HE SCREWED UP.
HE TRIED SOMETHING AND IT
DIDN'T WORK.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE FEARS --
WATCH THE FIRST "RED EYE."
THAT'S WHAT THIS WAS LIKE.
>> THANK GOD FOR COPY WRITE
INFRINGEMENT.
>> WE PAID A LOT OF MONEY TO
MAKE SURE NO ONE WATCHES IT.
>> DID YOU EVER SEE THE
ORIGINAL "BLOB"?
THAT'S WHAT WE DID.
WE FROZE THEM AND THUT THEM IN
A BOX IN DROPPED THEM IN THE
OCEAN.
>> THE GROUP WAS ACTIVE IN THE
PIXEL DETECTOR WHICH I USE TO
KEEP TRACK OF MY CAT.
>> I APOLOGIZE.
>> WE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE
DOING.
IT IS BECAUSE IT IS YOUR
SCHOOL.
>> NO, NOT REALLY.
>> I HAVE TRASHED MY SCHOOL
BEFORE.
>> AT COLUMBIA DID THEY HAVE A
LIST OF SIGNIFICANT ALUMNI AND
YOU ARE HOPING YOU WILL BE
MENTIONED AS SIGNIFICANT?
THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO ME AT
BERKELEY EVER.
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU.
>> THE ONLY WAY TO GET ON THAT
LIST IS TO GIVE THEM MONEY AND
THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
>> WHEN YOU GET YOUR SCHOOL
PAPER TO DO A FRONT PAGE STORY
I AM CONDEMNING YOU FOR MAKING
FUN OF A MAN OR WOMAN WHO HAD
A BABY AND WANTS TO BE A MAN.
THEN YOU TALK TO ME.
>> GREG, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT QUANTUM MECHANICS IS.
>> YES.
>> CAN TELL YOU THE
INTERPRETATION ABOUT HOW YOU
HAVE PARTICLES AND --
PARTICLES AND WAVES AND HOW IT
IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO
KNOW THE POSITION AND THE
MOMENTUM OF A PARTICLE.
BUT AT HONESTLY, I DON'T HAVE
THE TIME.
>> DID YOU LEARN THAT FROM THE
STUFFED ANIMAL STABBING?
>> I THINK HE LEARNED THAT
FROM MR. WIKI.
>> I DO NOT USE WIKIPEDIA.
>> DID YOU ASK JEEVES?
>> I DID NOT ASK JEEVES.
HE WAS UNAVAILABLE.
>> THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT
QUANTUM MECHANICS IS HE WAS
WORKING ON MY QUANTUM CAR.
>> AND COLUMBIA ISSUED A
STATEMENT ON TUESDAY SAYING
THEY ARE NOW REVIEWING THE
FACTS IN THIS PARTICULAR
PRESENTATION TO SEE IF THERE
IS ANYTHING THAT HE CAN DO
ABOUT IT.
I'M SURE THEY WILL DO AN
EXCELLENT JOB.
SALAZAR APOLOGIZES.
PATTI ANN, YOU SAID HE SHOULD
HAVE DEMANDED AN ACROSS THE
BOARD BAN OF CONCEALED WEAPONS
ON CAMPUS.
>> NO, JUST AN ACROSS THE
BOARD BAN ON WEAPONS, PERIOD.
>> BUT THE BILL BEFORE THE
COLORADO HOUSE WAS WHETHER OR
NOT TO BAN THEM ON CAMPUSES.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
IT IS PASSED ALREADY IN THE
ONE HOUSE, AND NOW IT IS GOING
TO THE STATE SENATES.
>> RIGHT.
BUT IT WAS DURING DEBATE ON
THE BILL HE SAID THIS.
>> RIGHT, I KNOW, BUT MY POINT
IS IF HE WILL SAY WOMEN ARE
JUST GO SHOOTING AROUND WHEN
THEY THINK THEY ARE IN DANGER
AND THEY ARE NOT EVEN IN
DANGER.
IF YOU FEEL THAT WAY, JUST BAN
THEM ENTIRELY EVERYWHERE.
>> WOULD IT SURPRISE YOU IF HE
WANTS THEM BANNED EVE WHERE?
>> IT IS POSSIBLE -- BANNED
EVERYWHERE?
>> IT IS POSSIBLE.
>> I COULDN'T TELL IF IT WAS
BILL.
SOMEBODY SAID WOMEN DON'T DO
PORE CORE.
>> YES.
>> THEY DO IN FACT DO IT.
>> SHOW ME ONE WHO IS STILL
ALIVE.
>> TODD, CAN WE ROLL THE
TAPE?
WE DON'T HAVE IT.
NOBODY DOES IT ANYMORE.
ISN'T THAT LIKE A LEGITIMATE
FACT?
>> I THINK IT IS OVER, YES.
>> I THINK IT WAS A LITTLE
LATER THAN THAT.
>> IT ENDED WHEN IT WAS PART
OF COMMERCIALS.
>> IT WAS IN A MADONNA VIDEO.
>> ANOTHER THING MADONNA
KILLED.
>> IF YOU WERE ON THE COAST
YOU WOULD ASSIGN BAD THINGS TO
GUNS.
YOU WOULD THINK THEY ARE BAD.
I AM JUST CURIOUS WHICH COAST
YOU THINK COLORADO IS ON.
>> WELL, NO, I WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE MEDIA'S PORTRAYAL.
COLORADO HAS A LOT OF GUN
OWNERS.
TEXAS HAS A LOT OF GUN
OWNERS.
TALKING ABOUT GENERALLY PEOPLE
ON THE COAST ARE AROUND GUNS
AND --
>> I JUST ASSUMED THE STORY IS
ABOUT COLORADO.
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TRYING
TO DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT, GO ON.
>> ABOUT HIS APOLOGY, SOMEBODY
POINTED THIS OUT.
IF THE THIRD WORD IN YOUR
APOLOGY IS IF YOU ARE NOT
APOLOGIZING.
I THOUGHT THAT IS A GOOD
POINT.
>> A GREAT POINT.
>> I LIKE POINTS.
>> A LOT OF WINNERS BLOW THEIR
MONEY ON POT AND *** AND THEN
BLOWUP THEIR HOUSE.
WE SHOULD POINT OUT THEY
DIDN'T SPEND ALL $75,000 ON
POT AND ***.
WE DON'T KNOW THAT.
THEY MAY HAVE.
>> IT IS PROBABLY ALL SPENT
NOW.
>> YOU KNOW THAT WHEN THEY GOT
THAT TICKET THEY TOOK OUT A
PIECE OF PAPER AND WROTE OUT A
CHART.
IT WAS PROBABLY THE MOST
RESPONSIBLE THEY HAVE BEEN
WITH MONEY.
>> FIRST THEY DID WHATEVER
*** THEY HAD LYING AROUND AND
THEN WROTE OUT AN AMAZING
CHART WITH COLOR CODED AND
WITH ARROWS.
>> MEANWHILE THEY ARE MAKING
IT RAIN IN THEIR PARTY ROOM.
>> FIRST THEY KEPT SAYING WHAT
CAN 72 GRAND BUY US?
AND THEN THEY HAVE THIS PLAN
AND TWO HOURS LATER, WHAT CAN
$68,000 BUY HIM?
AND THEN A DAY LATER, ALL
RIGHT, 30 GRAND.
CAN WE STILL GO TO ITALY?
>> BY THE END OF THE WEEK, HOW
MUCH DO WE OWE JOE JOE?
>> I THOUGHT THE MOST AMAZING
PART OF THE STORY WAS IT
DIDN'T HAPPEN IN FLORIDA.
THAT BLEW MY MIND.
>> WHERE WAS IT?
>> KANSAS.
>> I AM AMAZED THAT HOUSE
DIDN'T HAVE WHILES -- WHEELS
ON IT.
>> I AM DONE.
>> OKAY.
I LIKE THE GIRLS WITH THE
BOOM.
I ONCE GOT BUSY IN A BURGER
KING BATHROOM.
NOT A STORY, JUST SOMETHING I
WAS TEXTED.
IS MORISSEY HOLDING A FREE
CONCERT
>>> WILL HIS CAREER GO UNDER
FOR A SOCIAL MEDIA BLUNDER?
I SPEAK OF A NEW JERSEY
LAWMAKER , IS THERE ANY OTHER
KIND, WHO IS TAKING HEAT FOR
LIKING TWO INAPPROPRIATE
FACEBOOK PAGES.
ASSEMBLYMAN CHARLES MAYNOR
GAVE THE THUMBS UP TO THE
PAGES OF BIG *** FREAK.
AND YOU GOT KNOCKED THE F OUT,
MAN.
IT SHOWCASES LARGE BE HEINZ OF
YOUNG WOMEN WHILE THE LATTER
FEATURES VIDEO OF BRUTAL,
PHYSICAL ASSAULT.
MAYNOR DENIED LIKING THE
PAGES, BUT LATER ADMITTED,
QUOTE, AS FAR AS THE BIG ***
FREAK, I LOVE WOMEN.
IT SHOULD BE ON THERE, BUT I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET IT OUT.
YOU ARE OVER 40, AREN'T YOU?
DISCUSS SHALL WE IN THE --
>> LIGHTNING ROOOOOUUUUNNNDD
SM LIGHTNING ROUND.
>> IF YOU HAVE A CAREER IN
ANYTHING IN WHICH YOU WANT TO
KEEP YOUR CAREER, NOTHING CAN
HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU SHOULD
ONLY LIKE THE CHURCH AND
MARMALADE.
IF SOMEBODY WILL FIND FAULT IF
YOU LIKE POCKET SQUARES.
>> EVEN IF YOU LIKE A CRAPPY
BAND PEOPLE LET YOU HEAR ABOUT
IT.
FUNNY WHEN THEY MENTIONED THE
KNOCK THE F OUT LIKING.
HE SAID HIS DAUGHTER SHOWED
HIM SOMETHING ON.
IT THEN HIS BIG *** FREAKS
IT WAS LIKE THERE IS NO SUN?
WHO IS THIS BAD *** DAUGHTER
HE HAS?
THE GUY GETS BEAT DOWN IN A
BURGER KING.
>> DON'T MESS WITH HER.
>> WHEN WILL THEY UNDERSTAND
HOW SOCIAL MEDIA WORKS?
EVERYBODY SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A
CLASS AFTER THE ANTHONY WIENER
INCIDENT.
THAT WAS A FREE CLASS.
>> HE DOES KNOW HOW IT WORKS.
HE IS ON THERE.
HE FINALLY THINKS HE IS
ACTUALLY LIKING THEM.
I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL.
HE IS EVERYTHING THAT IS RIGHT
AND GOOD ABOUT POLITICIANS.
IT IS A WAY TO GET RID OF
POLITICIANS.
THEY WILL BE THERE FOR LIFE.
THE ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF
THEM IS BY GETTING THEM IN
THESE SOCIAL MEDIA TRAPS.
PAB I WENT ON YOUR FACEBOOK
PAGE, AND YOU LIKE FAT DUDES
IN DIAPERS AND HAIRY ORDERLIES
.ORG.
DO YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT THE
BOSSES AT FOX STUMBLING ON
THIS?
>> I DIDN'T, AND NOW THAT THEY
KNOW ABOUT MY PHANTOM SITE
THERE, I AM IN TROUBLE.
I DON'T CARE HE LIKES BIG
BUTTS.
HE IS A COP.
HE IS NOT JUST A POLITICIAN.
HE IS A JERSEY CITY COP.
WHY IS HE LIKING THIS VIOLENT
PAGE?
IT IS ONE THING IF HE SAID I
AM LOOKING TO IDENTIFY
SUSPECTS THAT WOULD BE A VALID
REASON.
BUT HE DIDN'T SAY THAT.
HE DENIED HE EVEN LIKE I HAD
IT.
HE EVEN LIKED IT.
HONESTLY AND HE MADE GAY SLURS
IN THE PAST.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST
REALIZED?
HE LIKES BIG BUTTS AND HE DID
LIE.
>> PART OF MY HEAD IS
EXPANDING AND ANOTHER PART IS
SHRINKING.
>> THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT,
COLUMBIA, UNIVERSITY.
>> YOU SHOULD BE TEACHING THE
KIDS AND NOT SOME SHIRTLESS
WEIRD OWE.
BILL, YOU ARE NOT ON FACEBOOK,
BUT YOU ARE ON THIGH BOOK.
SAME THING.
HOW DO YOU KEEP FROM GETTING
IN TROUBLE?
HOW DO YOU KEEP FROM LETTING
PEOPLE KNOW THE SICK AND
SORDED SORDED -- SORTED
THINGS.
>> I AM NOT KNOWN AS A PERSON
OR ENTITY THAT PEOPLE SAY BILL
DID THIS.
I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
THIS.
I LOVE THE LADIES, BUT NOTHING
EVER GOOD COMES OUT OF THE
SENTENCE.
YOU SAY I LOVE THE LADIES,
BUT, YOU ARE USUALLY TRYING TO
EXPLAIN AWAY SOMETHING YOU ARE
GUILTY OF.
EITHER YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING
TO THE OPPOSITE SEX OR YOU ARE
GAY.
>> THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
TO COVER UP BEING GAY YOU
SHOULD GET CAUGHT IN THESE
SCANDALS.
>> YES, EXACTLY.
I LOVE THE LADIES, BUT I
THOUGHT MAN ON MAN LOVE .ORG
WAS A HETERO TYPE.
>> WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.
DON'T EVEN THINK OF LEAVING ME
NOW.
AND OF COURSE IT HAS BEEN
AWHILE SINCE I SAID THIS,
DON'T FORGET TO BUY QPT THE
JOY OF HATE."
GO TO ANY BOOKSTORE OR ORDER
FROM AMAZON.COM.
THAT'S THE ON-LINE THING.
YOU WILL NEED A COMPUTER FOR
THAT PEOPLE OVER 70.
YOU CAN FIND THOSE AT THE BIG
BOX STORES.
OR YOU CAN EVEN ORDER A
COMPUTER IF YOU HAVE A
COMPUTER AT HOME.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A COMPUTER
YOU WILL NEED TO GO TO A BIG
BOX STORE TO ORDER THE
COMPUTER ON-LINE IN WHICH TO
ORDER "THE JOY OF HATE" SO YOU
WILL NEED TO GET A COMPUTER
FOR THAT.
THAT'S THE BOOK.
A BOOK THAT IS A SOLID VERSION
OF THE BOOK.
YOU CAN GET IT IN E BOOK FORM
TOO, BUT AGAIN YOU WILL NEED
COMPUTER FOR THAT.
AND FOR AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY GO
TO G GUTFELD
>>> IS THE STAPLES CENTER
GOING MEATLESS TO PLEASE A
WHINEY PESTEST.
I CHANGED THAT.
FOR THE FIRST TIME THEY PLAN
TO GO FULLY VEGETARIAN AND
THAT INCLUDES CLOSING THEIR
McDONALDS OUTLET DURING A
MARCH 1st MORISSEY
CONCERT.
WITH A PORTION OF THE PROCEEDS
GOING TO PETA, DON'T YOU KNOW,
SAID THE SAD SINGER OF THE
MEAT FREE JAMBOREE, QUOTE, I
DON'T LOOK AT IT AS A VICTORY
FOR ME, BUT A VICTORY FOR
ANIMALS.
WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT THEY
WERE STARING BLANKLY AT THE
CAMERA WHILE TAKING A PRETTY
IMPRESSIVE DUMP.
THIS IS WHAT I FIND
INTERESTING.
MORISSEY HAD TO CAN SELL
BECAUSE HE HAS GOT A BLEEDING
ULCER AND ACID REFLUX.
DO YOU THINK A CELERY-FILLED
DIET HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH
THIS?
CAN'T WE BLAME THE
VEGETABLES?
>> SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS
A BURGER.
WHO IS MORISSEY?
>> THE SMITHS.
HOW OLD ARE YOU THIS.
>> 32.
>> BOO.
>> I HAD A GOOD YEAR OF THE
SMITH'S CRY IN FRONT OF MY
STEREO TO "HOW SOON IS NOW"
AND PLAYING IT OVER AND OVER
AGAIN.
JOE?
>> YES.
>> WHAT ABOUT THOSE WHO LOVE
MORISSEY AND CHICKEN FINGERS.
>> IT RUINED IT FOR ME.
THE BEST WAY TO ENJOY A MORE
RAW SEE SHOW IS WITH A HALF
RACK OF RIBS AND IF HE PLAYS
"SHEILA TAKE A BOW" AND I AM
NOT WEARING A BIB, SHOW OVER.
>> HE IS DARK AND MYSTERIOUS
AND PETULANT.
IS THAT A TURN ON FOR YOU?
YOU WERE IN A BAN IN THE
80s.
>> NEW WAVE.
>> PAT BEN GNAW TAR AND THAT
KIND OF THING.
>> LEAD SINGER?
>> IT WASN'T REALLY PAT
BENTAR.
>> NO, I MEAN YOU WERE THE
LEAD SINGER.
>> THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT
MORISSEY WITH THE WHOLE "HOW
SOON IS NOW" I ALREADY WAITED
TOO LONG.
YOU WANTED TO GIVE HIM A HUG.
THE DARK, BROODING THING.
>> NUMBER ONE SONG OF ALL
TIME.
>> WHAT?
>> "HOUSE IT IS NOW" AND
FOLLOWED BY" HONEY BUCK --
BUCKET."
>> THIS IS THE WORST PLAY LIST
I HAVE EVER HEARD.
>> IT REALLY IS.
BILL, PAUL McCARTNEY HAS
BEEN DENIED THESE WRITERS,
WHY?
>> PAUL McCARTNEY IS
RESEMBLING THE SAME DROOPY,
STARVING AN WILL MAS HE IS
TRYING TO PROTECT.
LOOKING AT THAT PICTURE OF
MORISSEY, YOU HAVE TO HAND IT
TO HIM FOR HOLDING ON TO THE
LOOK.
MADONNA, DAVID BOWY, THEY LIKE
TO MIX IT UP.
HE HAS GONE FROM A SKINNY
EXTRA IN "WEST SIDE STORY" TO
NOW HE LOOKS LIKE HE IS
ANNOUNCING A WRESTLING MATCH.
HE HELD ON TO IT.
>> I THINK HE HAS GOTTEN -- HE
IS ONE OF THE FEW ROCKERS THAT
HAS GRACEFULLY AGED.
IF YOU LOOK AT -- I AM NOT
GOING TO MENTION SOME OF THE
ROCKERS BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN
ON THE SHOW, BUT THEY HAVE THE
-- THEY HAVE TO WEAR THE
HAIRPIECE AND THE BANDANNAS.
>> YOU PRETTY MUCH JUST
MENTIONED THEM.
>> I THINK MAYBE HE IS RIGHT.
I THINK I JUST CALLED OUT
SOMEBODY.
BUT HE LOOKS LIKE HE COULD BE
A GENTLEMAN FARMER.
>> NOW YOU ARE ENDORSING THE
VEGETARIAN DIET.
>> MAYBE I HAVE GONE FULL
CIRCLE.
>> THAT'S A MORE RAW SEE
SONG.
♪ HOW MISERABLE ♪
♪ I
>>> SEE YOU BACK HERE ON "THE
FIVE" AT 5:00 EASTERN.
A NEW "RED EYE" TOMORROW AND
THE MAN BEHIND THE BAND, THE
LEGEND, DEVON TOWNSEND.
BACK TO TV'S ANDY LEVY FOR THE
POST GAME WRAP UP.
>> THANKS, GREG.
ANY NEW FILM PROJECTS COMING
UP?
>> TWO NEW COOL DEVELOPMENTS.
ONE HONOR FLIGHT WILL BE AT
THE FILM FESTIVAL.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN
SCREENINGS OR DVD'S CHECK OUT
THE WEBSITE.
AND THERE IS A NEW PROJECT
ABOUT THE NORTH KOREA WITH MY
GOOD BUDDY ROB MOSS, A
PHENOMENAL DIRECTOR.
>> VERY COOL.
JOE, UPCOMING GIGS THIS
WEEKEND?
>> FRIDAY AND SATURDAY AT THE
COMEDY COVE IN SPRINGFIELD,
NEW JERSEY IF YOU LIKE YOUR
COMEDY IN A COVE FORMAT.
>> AND WHO DOESN'T?
>> IF YOU ARE DRIFTING INTO
TOWN AND LOOKING FOR A GIRL
NAMED BRANDY.
>> PAB, ARE YOU SAFE.
NO TIME FOR YOU.
BACK TO YOU, GREG.
>> LUCKY YOU.
OH WELL.
I GUESS IT IS JUST ME AND THE
VIEWER TO STAIR AT EACH OTHER