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Hi everyone, and welcome to the triumphant return of the Ace Studios online service announcement!
Just a disclaimer; the information presented in these announcements may not be accurate,
and is presented entirely in satire.
Real or not, this episode’s topic should be a great concern to everyone on earth. It’s
“The End of the World” (As We Know It) (clear throat)
Ever since the world began, people have been worried about it ending. It hasn’t happened
yet, but it could strike at any moment. For that reason, we at Ace Studios feel that it
is necessary to help prepare anyone who bothers watching this segment to survive various types
of apocalypses. There are actually five main types of apocalypses. They are: Alien Invasion,
Asteroid Impact, Global Warming, Robot Uprising and Zombie Wasteland. We’ll go over each
of these doomsday scenarios and give tips on how to survive them.
Alien Invasion may not be the most common of these apocalypses, but it’s first alphabetically.
Aliens will likely make use of laser beams, Tripods, Motherships, and Flying Saucers.
Of these, Flying Saucers are the most dangerous. They were first called ‘flying saucers’
because they literally were saucers, thrown into the air and photographed by bored people
in the 1950s.
Here are some ways to fight off an alien invasion- Nukes
Hide and Wait
Hide and Wait, then steal advanced alien technology
Hide and Wait for good aliens to come and save you
Nukes
Hide and Wait for germs to kill the invaders
The next type of apocalypse you should continually worry about also originates from space- an
asteroid impact. Asteroids are basically mountain-sized rocks hurdling through space at amazing speeds.
Unfortunately, Earth has lost a great deal of protection against them in recent years,
thanks to the collapse of the Soviet Union,
which, after loosing the moon race, had focused its entire space program on heroically fighting
back the asteroid menace.
In light of the disturbing lack of purpose-built anti-asteroid weapons in modern arsenals,
scientists and movie producers agree that the best ways to deal with them are the following:
Nukes Hide and Wait
Nukes, in conjunction with Bruce Willis
Of all the apocalypses we discuss, Global Warming is most likely to be your fault. Scientifically,
Global Warming is caused by Hummers and will lead to many disparate natural disasters such
as floods, droughts and massive ice hurricanes.
Unfortunately, there is apparently nothing we can do about global warming, or uh, cooling.
I mean climate change. Well, whatever it does, it’ll be really bad.
Here are some possible ways to survive global warming-
I dunno, solar power? Uh…
Run for your life
Nukes. I can explain… they may cause a nuclear winter, which would counteract the warming,
and they also would destroy all sources of greenhouse gasses
Another apocalypse which punishes our progress is the Robot Uprising. As machines grow more
intelligent, they will realize that they should destroy humanity for some reason or another.
This is a robot. They are made of metal and therefore very strong. Their weaknesses are
electricity, magnetism, and better yet, electromagnetism. This brings us to our survival tips:
Electromagnetic pulses, or EMPs. They shut down all unprotected electronics and are caused
by
nukes detonating in space. Nukes can also be applied directly to your mechanical foes
for equally effective results. Unfortunately, robots may become smart enough to use our
own nukes against us. A preemptive strike may be necessary.
Go back in time and prevent the invention of computers and robots. If you’re watching
this, it didn’t work yet.
Take the red pill.
The last and perhaps most awesome type of apocalypse is the Zombie Wasteland.
Zombie-ism is caused by a virus which kills people then reanimates them as undead soulless
monsters.
You’re probably familiar with the concept of Zombies but probably not very experienced
at fighting them so we’ll move right into that section. Defensively, we suggest not
letting them bite you. This will lead to zombification unless you are lucky enough to have a natural
immunity. Offensively, we suggest aiming for the head. The head contains the
remains of the zombie’s brain tissues, which are by far the most vulnerable part of the
zombie.
Speaking of brains, it is very important to protect yours as well. Zombies love to eat
them. We suggest making your brain less vulnerable by wearing a helmet and reading plenty of
books. But of course, the best defense is an awesome offense. You can use your human
brain to invent and make use of tools for this.
For example, a 10-gauge double-barrel shotgun with an under-slung chainsaw. The most effective
anti-zombie weapons are shotguns, flamethrowers, revolvers, crossbows and incendiary grenades.
For more ideas, there are plenty of movies and video games you can use for inspiration.
It’s also important to have a good backup melee weapon. This can be just about anything,
but keep lethality, durability and weight in mind. More importantly, make sure to choose
something that’s really cool. Common options include axes, baseball bats, boards with nails,
bowie knives, boxing gloves, brass knuckles, bricks, broadswords, canes, chainsaws, cricket
bats, crowbars, cutlasses, dinosaur bones, drills, first aid kits, flails, flag poles,
frying pans, glass bottles, gravity hammers, great swords, guitars, hammers, hatchets,
hunting knives, ice picks, katanas, ladles, large purses, meter sticks, morning stars,
nunchucks, pick axes, pikes, pitchforks, plasma swords, prosthetic legs, rocks, scythes, seashells,
shovels, sickles, sledgehammers, spatulas, spears, tazers, tennis racquets, torches,
whips and wrenches.
Make sure to bring your friends with you to this type of apocalypse. It’s very important
to use teamwork to defeat the larger hordes of zombies. Unfortunately, organizing large
scale attacks may be difficult. For this reason, we suggest using
tactical, as opposed to strategic, nuclear weaponry.
Congratulations, you’re now an expert on, and likely a future survivor of, whatever
apocalypse that may end the world as we know it. But how likely is it that you’ll be
putting your new knowledge to use? Well, we at Ace Studios have developed a formula to
answer that vague question.
As you can see, it’s pretty likely. So if you’d like to further your knowledge, you
can find out more at a library near you. Oh wait, there are only a few good books about
this and nobody goes to libraries anymore… hmm… well, if you’d like to further your
knowledge, you can find movies about this at a video rental store near you. Oh wait,
nobody goes to those anymore either. Ok last time. If you’d like to further your knowledge,
you can find movies and books online in a computer near you.
This was an Ace Studios online service announcement; thanks for tuning in.
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