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Now here's your hosts, David and Darlene Steele from Relationship Coaching
Institute.
Welcome to Let's Get Real!
Today's topic is
The Third Option.
Joan from Seattle writes:
My husband loves boating and insists I join him on his boat. But I get seasick
and I'd rather sit on the beach and read a good book.
He thinks our marriage isn't a good one
if we don't do everything together.
He's upset with me because all the other guys wives go boating but I don't.
I wish I could enjoy it as much as he does because it means so much to him.
Am I being unreasonable?
Is he right that in a good marriage couples do everything together?
Should I be willing to take medication and risk seasickness for the sake of the
marriage?
Please help because I do love my husband very much and this is becoming a
big issue for us.
Well, I love boating too. I can relate to him. I mean, I would definitely
share that with my wife and
you know, it's my dream to live on a boat, but that's not going to happen with
this relationship because you get seasick too. I get seasick, so Joan I
totally understand.
It seems like he has a very strong position
that the way to have a good marriage is you do everything together and he loves boating
so the way to have a good marriage is you'll be boating together
all the time.
Let's get real about this situation.
This relationship really needs a third option.
It can't be his way.
She gets seasick. That's not the lifestyle that she wants.
And it can't be all about what he wants
because
I'm hopeful that what he wants is for his wife to be happy as well.
So Joan, what do you really want?
I mean, I think that what Joan wants is for her husband to really fully enjoy
boating
but without her.
And I also think that she wants her husband to feel that their relationship is
good
even without her going boating with him.
It sounds like she'd be willing to go boating
on occasion, for him.
Definitely not.
And that would be okay as long as she wasn't giving herself up to do that. Sure.
And so some of the ways that they might be able to do that, I know for me,
being somebody who gets seasick,
if we're going to go on a short trip,
you know, I can't go on those day long trips,
but a short trip can work for me, and especially when the water's really calm,
anytime they gets rocky and
I'm in trouble.
And also, as a boater, I happen to know that you spend an awful lot of time
on your boat
tied up at the dock
and actually
that's a lot of fun.
You can cook on the boat. You can sleep on the boat. You can make love on the
boat.
So chances are they can enjoy boating lifestyle together that doesn't involve her
going out all the time with him.
But it does require that they explore the third option rather than
exactly the way she would like it to be, which is no boating at all,
or where he wants to be, which is boating all the time, you know, they do need a
third option.
So,
what could Joan
say to her husband?
What would be her truth?
Honey, I know you want me to go on the boat with you
and I know that would make you really happy,
but when I get on the boat and I get seasick, I'm just miserable.
I also love that you wanted to have
this shared experiences with me, but
I just don't think that
I can go on the boat with you
as many times you want.
So, I'd really appreciate if we could explore a third option
so that both of us can be happy.
So there are probably some risks
if Joan will tell her truth.
And
if her husband is rigid
about it
and must have
his way,
then it's going to create a lot of conflict that could even break up the
relationship.
Because these kinds of things can be a pattern
and it's generally not just about one thing, it's generally about how you generally
operate in the relationship.
There's a very real risk that
her husband will not like her truth
and will react badly to the truth.
But also as a husband,
I would like to think that
her husband wants her to be happy and wants to explore a way that they can both be happy
to have boating as a lifestyle and share that in a way that works for her.
Relationship doesn't work
unless both
partners needs are met.
So the third option is about finding and negotiating a win-win that meets
both partners needs.
It's not compromise. Compromise is when you're sacrificing some of what you want
in order to make the relationship work.
And
sometimes you got to do that and this might be one of those times.
You can definitely have a conversation about what you both need in the situation
and find a third option that work very, very well for both of you.
If your husband is absolutely attached
to having his way
one-way the only way
and there's no room for you and your needs and your happiness
then you have a big problem.
And
chances are,
this conversation
will help that problem come up
and that's probably what you might want to avoid.
However,
please do get the support you need.
Don't have this conversation alone.
If it's too risky or if your husband gets too upset,
find a neutral third party, a counselor, a coach, a therapist,
that can help you have this conversation, help you find a third option, help you
converse around these situations so that you can both have your needs met because
really that's what your relationship needs in the long term for you both to
be happy.
And I would like to think as a husband, that
your husband does want you to be happy and doesn't expect you to give up
your happiness, you know, so that you can have everything he wants that, you know,
it would be a real relationship.
So, good luck with that Joan. Please do get the support you need if
you need it.
Take that risk. Tell your truth
or not.
We wish you very, very well.
If you're watching this and you have an idea, some feedback
for Joan that might be helpful, please do put it in the comment box below.
Let's all support Joan
to have a great boating lifestyle with her husband in a way that works for her.
So bye for now.
Ready? You'll gonna hate that you signed up to do this with me.
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May you live the life you love with the love of your life.