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>>> THE FOLLOWING IS AN ADDRESS
BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT THE EXCITING PROGRESS
WE'RE MAKING ON OUR
HEALTHCARE.GOV WEBSITE.
BUT FIRST I'D LIKE TO AGGRESS
SOME OF THE CONTROVERSY I
ENCOUNTERED AT THE MEMORIAL
SERVICE FOR NELSON MANDELA.
I FEEL LIKE LEMONY SNICKET.
I GOT ROPED INTO TAKING A SELFIE
WITH A BLONDE PRIME MINISTER.
SOME PEOPLE SAID MICHELLE WAS
UPSET?
I TALKED TO HER AFTERWARDS, I
CAN ASSURE YOU SHE WAS FURIOUS.
THEN I GOT ROPED INTO SHAKING
HANDS WITH RAUL CASTRO.
HE TOLD ME HE WAS SOMEONE ELSE.
THEN THERE WAS A SIGN LANGUAGE
INTERPRETER WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
HE WAS DOING.
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO FOCUS ON
HEALTH CARE ABOUT NOW, I HAVE
BEEN LISTENING TO WHAT AMERICANS
ARE SAYING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND SOME VERY VALID CONCERNS
ARE BEING RAISED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IN IS NOT A BATTLE THAT WILL
BE WON OVERNIGHT.
>> AND WITHOUT A DOUBT, WE'VE
SEEN HUGE IMPROVEMENTS ON OUR
WEBSITE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE'VE HAD OUR BEST PEOPLE
WORKING ON IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OUR VERY BEST PEOPLE.
AND THOSE WHO CLAIM WE'RE MOVING
IN THE WRONG DIRECTION, WELL
THAT'S JUST NONSENSE.
I MEAN, SOME FOLKS ARE BOUND TO
BE FRUSTRATED.
MANY ARE -- MANY MORE ARE
EXCITED.
AND WHILE I CAN'T SAY THAT I'VE
BEEN ENTIRELY THRILLED WITH THE
RESULTS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
-- I'M JUST RELIEVED THAT THE
WEBSITE HAS BEEN TURNED ON
AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
PLEASE LEAVE, SIR.
NO, GO AWAY.
NO, YOU, NOT ME.
YOU.
OKAY, CAN WE GET SOME SECRET
SERVICE OVER HERE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.
NOW, IF I MAY RETURN TO THE
SUBJECT OF HEALTH CARE.
>> YOO-HOO.
IT'S YOUR FAVORITE GERMAN
CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> I HAVE A FAVOR TO ASK, THE
DANISH PRIME MINISTER HAS BEEN
BRAGGING ALL OVER NORTHERN
EUROPE ABOUT HER SELFIE WITH
YOU.
I WAS HOPING I COULD GET ONE AS
WELL?
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> OH, REALLY?
I FEEL LIKE YOU KIND OF OWE ME
AFTER THE WHOLE WIRETAPPING MY
CELL PHONE THING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, BUT MAKE IT QUICK.
>> OKAY, THAT ONE WAS SERIOUS,
NOW, LET'S DO FUN ONE.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY, I WON'T
GUTEN-TAG THAT ON FACEBOOK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS IS FOR MY OWN PRIVATE
USE.
IT'S BLURRY.
>> SECURITY.
>> I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
I WILL --
>> ALL RIGHT, GREAT, GREAT, NOW
THIS GUY'S BACK, YOU KNOW WHAT,
FORGET IT, I GUESS -- I GUESS
THE ONLY THING LEFT TO SAY IS,
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE WITH VANESSA BAYER
AIDY BRYANT
TARAN KILLAM
KATE McKINNON
SETH MEYERS
BOBBY MOYNIHAN
NASIM PEDRAD
JAY PHAROAH
CECILY STRONG
KENAN THOMPSON
FEATURING BECK BENNETT
JOHN MILHISER
KYLE MOONEY
MIKE O'BRIEN
NOEL WELLS
BROOKS WHEELAN
MUSICAL GUEST --
KINGS OF LEON
AND YOUR HOST --
JOHN GOODMAN
>> Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, JOHN GOODMAN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN
ROCKEFELLER CENTER, AND THAT
TREE OUTSIDE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
AT LEAST I ASSUME IT IS, I CAN'T
GET ANYWHERE NEAR IT.
THERE'S A MILLION PEOPLE OUT
THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS MY 13th TIME HOSTING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I VISITED SNL EVERY YEAR FROM
1989 TO 2001.
AND THEN I STOPPED.
WHY?
I WAS IN "MONSTER'S UNIVERSITY,"
"ARGO."
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, I
HATE GOING HOME.
OF COURSE, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I LOVE MY HOME.
AND I LOVE MY FAMILY.
ESPECIALLY AT THIS TIME OF YEAR.
AND SINCE I'M HERE IN NEW YORK,
I WANT TO DEDICATE A SONG TO MY
LOVELY WIFE, WITH THE HELP OF A
FRIEND.
KEENAN?
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOHN.
>> IT IS A SPECIAL TIME, SEASON
THE IT?
>> OH, INDEED, THE SPECIALIST.
AND THIS IS FOR SOME SPECIAL
PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES.
HIT IT.
♪ OH, YEAH YOU ALL READY ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ COME ON EVERYBODY, GET IN THE
SPIRIT ♪
♪ TELL 'EM JOHN ♪
♪ THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH MY PLACE ♪
♪ I CAN'T SLEEP
WITHOUT YOUR EMBRACE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVIN'
BRING ME SO MUCH JOY ♪
♪ I CAN'T WAIT TO
PLAY WITH MY NEW TOY ♪
♪ ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS IS *** ♪
♪ ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS IS *** ♪
♪ NOW, HERE'S A MESSAGE
TO ALL THE WOMEN ♪
♪ YALL GOT A GIFT
THAT KEEPS ON GIVING ♪
♪ BEEN WAITING ALL YEAR
FOR YOU TO SERVE IT ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN A GOOD BOY
I THINK I DESERVE IT ♪
♪ ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS IS *** ♪
♪ ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS IS *** ♪
♪ YOU GOT A GIFT
YOU DON'T NEED TO BUY ♪
♪ JUST TURN AROUND
I'LL SHOW YOU WHY ♪
♪ I CAN'T WAIT TILL
I UNWRAP IT ♪
♪ BELLS WILL RING
WHEN I SLAP IT ♪
♪ ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS IS *** ♪
♪ ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS IS *** ♪
♪ ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS IS *** ♪
>> WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU.
KINGS OF LEON ARE HERE, SO STICK
AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS IS *** ♪
>>> THIS CHRISTMAS ON THE FOOD
NETWORK.
>> IT'S THE GUY FIERI FULL
THROTTLE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.
JOIN ME AND ALL MY HOMIES FOR A
HOLIDAY DINNER YOU'LL NEVER
FORGIVE THEE.
>> WITH SPECIAL GUEST CO-HOST
AND GODFATHER TO MY CHILDREN,
KID ROCK!
>> MY NAME IS KID --
KID ROCK!
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS YA SKANKS!
WIPEOUT!
>> AND I'M INVITING OVER THE
HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF THE FOOD I
MAKE FOR AN UNTRADITIONAL
CHRISTMAS BEAST FEAST.
LIKE CHRIS ANGEL MIND FREAK.
>> SHHHHH, MIND FREAK.
>> BRET MICHAELS!
>> I'M 90% PLASTIC, 10% HPV.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND KIMBO SLICE.
MIMI FROM DWRU DREW CAREY.
AND VERN TROYER.
WHAT'S THAT BY THE BEAN DIP?
FOR DESSERT WE'RE GOING TO TURN
A FRUITCAKE INTO A STRAIGHT
CAKE.
IT'S JUST BACON AND CARBS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PLUS, WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU
ALL THE HOLIDAY MUSIC YOU CAN
CRAM INTO YOUR EAR HOLES.
FEATURING A DUET WITH DOG THE
BOUNTY HUNTER AND BIG ANNE FROM
MOB WIVES, HA HA!
♪ I SAW MOMMY KISSING
SANTA CLAUS, BRA ♪
>> I SAW MOMMY SUCKING SANTA'S
[ BLEEP ] ALL THE REINDEER
SUCKING [ BLEEP ] --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE DUCK DYNASTY GUY'S
HILARIOUS TAKE ON JINGLE BELLS.
HO HO!
♪ QUACK QUACK QUACK
QUACK QUACK QUACK ♪
♪ QUACK QUACK QUACK
QUACK QUACK ♪
AND A HALF-THROTTLE RENDITION OF
WE THREE KINGS BY THE CAST OF
PAWN STARS.
♪ WE THREE KINGS OF
[ MUMBLING] ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE'RE GOING TO PUT THE HAM IN
F-HAM-ILY.
SO JOIN ME AND MY FRIENDS FOR
GUY FIERI'S [ BLEEP ] CHRISTMAS.
IT'S GOING TO BE FULL THROTTLE.
>>> GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME TO DEARBORN COMMUNITY
PLAYHOUSE' FIRST ANNUAL HOLIDAY
PAGEANT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
MY NAME IS GENE WALDERMAN, A LOT
OF YOU MAY KNOW ME AS YOUR
DOCTOR, BUT TONIGHT I'M JUST ONE
OF THE PERFORMERS IN THE SHOW
YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE.
THIS SHOW IS THE CULMINATION OF
A LOT OF HARD WORK AND A LOT OF
SACRIFICE, AND WE'RE REALLY
PROUD OF IT.
SO NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADIOU,
PLEASE ENJOY THE DANCE OF THE
SNOWFLAKE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, NO, IS IT DUMB?
IS THIS SO DUMB?
♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, GOD.
MY WIFE'S HERE.
AND EVERYONE FROM WORK.
DO THEY THINK THIS IS DUMB?
MAYBE I'M OVERTHINKING THIS.
EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE
SMILING.
>> UH-OH I THINK THIS IS REALLY
DUMB?
IT IS, ISN'T IT?
OH, GOD, AT LEAST ANNETTE'S INTO
IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS IS HUMILIATING.
HOW CAN A PERSON BE SO SURE
SOMETHING IS GREAT FOR TWO
MONTHS AND THEN IN A SPLIT
SECOND KNOW THE EXACT OPPOSITE
IS TRUE?
EDGAR STILL LIKES THIS?
>> HOLY [ BLEEP ].
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING UP
HERE?
I'M A 48-YEAR-OLD BLACK
SNOWFLAKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY WIFE CANNOT LIKE THIS.
♪♪
>> I PAID A MAN $3500 TO TAPE
THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS EXCITED TO WATCH IT BACK.
>> MY GRANDMA FLEW IN FOR THIS,
SHE BROUGHT ME FLOWERS.
I DON'T DESERVE FLOWERS.
I DESERVE A SLAP IN THE FACE.
MY SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED
RIGHT NOW.
AND I CHOSE TO BE HERE.
OH, KILL ME.
JUST PUT A BULLET IN MY SKULL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MY WIFE'S NEVER GOING TO WANT
TO SEE MY *** AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ESPECIALLY NOT SINCE IT'S BEEN
BUNCHED UP IN THIS TIGHT-***
UNITARD.
I REALLY HAVE TO STUFF IT IN
THERE, TOO.
I HAVE TO FOLD IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT MY ***.
OH, IT'S GETTING A ***, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, I HAVE TO TURN
AROUND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I JUST HAD NEW BUSINESS CARDS
PRINTED.
NOW THEY SAY GENE HOLDERMAN
DOCTOR/DANCER.
WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
>> ON THE WAY HERE I HIT A MAN
WITH MY CAR.
I DIDN'T STOP BECAUSE I THOUGHT
THIS WAS MORE IMPORTANT.
BUT THIS IS NOTHING.
>> OH, MAN, THERE'S A GUY IN THE
AUDIENCE IN A WHEELCHAIR, I FEEL
LIKE HE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE
"THANK GOD MY LEGS CAN'T DO
THAT."
WAIT A MINUTE, MY ***'S BACK,
WHAT?
WHY?
>> BACKSTAGE WE DECIDED TO
DEDICATE THIS SHOW TO
NELSON MANDELA.
WHY?
HE DOESN'T WANT THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE THIS IS
GOOD.
YEAH, THIS IS GOOD.
>> WE WORKED *** THIS, I'M
PROUD.
>> I THINK PEOPLE DEFINITELY
LIKE THIS.
>> EVERYONE'S SMILING, WE DID A
GOOD JOB.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, NO, MY ***'S BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> OFT, WE HAVE HEARD THE STORY
OF THE MAGI, OR THE THREE WISE
MEN WHO TRAVELLED FROM THE FAR
EAST TO VISIT THE BABY JESUS IN
BETHLEHEM.
THERE'S A LESSER FATE ABOUT
THREE LESSER MEN WHO FOLLOWED
SOON AFTER, THEY WEREN'T FROM
THE FAR EAST, BUT RATHER FROM
THE EAST COAST.
MAINLY LONG ISLAND AND NEW
JERSEY.
THEY WERE THE THREE WISE GUYS.
>> HEY.
>> HEY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.
WHAT ARE THESE, CAMELS OR
TURTLES?
>> DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE WE'RE
HEADING?
>> RELAX, I GOT A GPS.
>> WHAT'S GPS?
>> IT MEANS GOING PLACES BY
STAR.
WE JUST HAVE TO FOLLOW THE
NORTHSTAR.
>> HEY, THAT'S NOT NORTH, THAT'S
UP.
>> LOOK AT US.
>> LOOK AT US.
WE'RE ALL DOLLED UP, PUTTING ON
THESE STUPID TURBANS.
I MEAN, WHO IS THIS KID ANYWAY?
JESUS?
>> I MEAN, LATINO?
>> DO WE EVEN KNOW HIS LAST
NAME, THIS JESUS?
>> CHRIST, I DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> BUT, I'M HEARING THINGS.
I'M TELLING YOU THIS KIDS GONNA
BE BIG.
>> YEAH, I HEARD HIS DAD IS IN
CONSTRUCTION.
>> LITTLE JOEY FROM NAZARETH,
HE'S ALL GROWN UP.
>> YEAH, BUT I HEARD THE KID
MIGHT NOT BE HIS.
>> WHOA!
WHERE DO YOU HEAR THAT?
>> I KNOW A COUPLE ANGELS.
I HEAR THINGS.
>> OKAY, RELAX.
>> LOOK AT US.
THE THREE KING.
>> WHAT ARE YOU KING OF ANYWAY?
>> ME?
>> I'M THE KING OF SANITATION OF
BAYONE, NEW JERSEY.
>> AND I'M THE FURNITURE KING OF
MASSAPEQUA.
>> OH, RIGHT.
>> AND YOU?
>> I DO A LITTLE OF THIS, A
LITTLE OF THAT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
>> HEY, HEY, LOOK THERE'S A MAN,
MAYBE HE KNOWS WHERE THIS
FRIGGIN' BETHLEHEM IS.
>> HEY.
>> HEY.
>> HEY.
>> I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR US, YOU
GOT SAND IN YOUR EARS?
>> DON'T PRETEND YOU DON'T SPEAK
ARAMAIC.
>> FORGET ABOUT IT.
>> FRIGGIN' NO MAN.
>> HEY.
WHAT KIND OF CAMEL YOU GUYS GOT?
YOU GOT ONE HUMP OR TWO?
>> ME, I GOT ONE.
I'M A ONE-HUMP GUY.
I LIKE A GOOD SOLID HUMP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I MAKE MY CAMEL WEAR SHOES.
>> WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU MAKE A
CAMEL WEAR SHOES?
>> SO WHEN I LOOK DOWN I DON'T
SEE ANY CAMEL TOE.
>> OOH.
>> OOH.
>> HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
BRINGING THIS KID?
>> I GOT HIM SOME FRANKINCENSE.
>> FRANKINCENSE?
WHAT THE HELL IS FRANKINCENSE?
>> IT'S FRANKINCENSE, THAT'S
WHAT IT IS.
IT'S NICE, IT'S LIKE HAIR GEL.
>> WHERE DID YOU GET IT?
>> LET'S JUST SAY IT FELL OFF
THE BACK OF A DONKEY.
>> WHAT DID YOU BRING?
>> ME?
I GOT HIM A MEATBALL PARM AND A
YANKEE ONESIE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
>> I JUST BROUGHT AN ENVELOPE
FULL OF CASH.
>> THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD.
THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD.
>> NOW, THIS KID JESUS, DOES HE
TALK TO YOU OR IS HE GOING TO
STARE AT US LIKE A LOAF OF BED?
>> COME ON YOU CAN HE'S ONE DAY
OLD, I HEAR HE'S ASLEEP IN A
MANGER.
>> WHAT'S A MANGER?
>> LIKE A CRIB.
>> WHY DON'T YOU CALL IT A CRIB?
>> LOOK, ALL I KNOW THAT KID'S
ASLEEP WHEN WE GET THERE, I'M
WAKING HIM UP.
WHEN WE GET TO BETHLEHEM, WHERE
ARE WE GOING TO STAY?
>> DON'T WORRY, THERE'S A TOWN,
I BOOKED UP THE WHOLE PLACE.
>> CAN'T WE AT LEAST STOP
SOMEWHERE TO EAT?
>> I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS
SADDLE, I'M SWEATING MY FALAFLES
OFF.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I KNOW
THIS LITTLE HOLE IN THE WALL,
IT'S AN ITALIAN JOINT IT'S
CALLED AN ACTUAL OLIVE GARDEN.
>> THIS HAS BEEN "THE THREE WISE
GUYS."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> Announcer: WEEKEND UPDATE
WITH SETH MYERS AND
CECILY STRONG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING I'M SETH MYERS.
>> AND I'M CECILY STRONG.
>> AND HERE ARE THE TONIGHT'S
TOP STORIES.
MEMBERS OF THE DEAF COMMUNITY
WERE UPSET THIS WEEK BY THE SIGN
LANGUAGE INTERPRETER USED DURING
NELSON MANDELA'S MEMORIAL
SERVICE, CALLING HIM A FAKE AND
SAYING HE WAS MAKING
UNINTELLIGIBLE GESTURES.
THE INTERPRETER DEFENDED HIMSELF
SAYING, PIZZA, THANK YOU,
RAINBOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
CONGRESS THIS WEEK FINALLY
REACHED AN AGREEMENT ON THE
BUDGET THAT ENDS THE THREAT OF
ANOTHER GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN IN
JANUARY.
THE DEAL WAS FINALLY STRUCK
AFTER EVERY MEMBER OF CONGRESS
WAS VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> GEORGE W. BUSH SHOWED
PRESIDENT OBAMA, HILLARY CLINTON
AND SEVERAL OTHERS HIS LATEST
PAINTINGS OF CATS AND DOGS.
ANYWAY, THAT MAN WAS OUR
PRESIDENT FOR EIGHT YEARS.
>> BROOKLYN BOROUGH PRESIDENT
MARTY MARKOWITZ THIS WEEK
DECLARED THAT BROOKLYN IS THE
LESBIAN CAPITAL OF THE
NORTHEAST.
MARKOWITZ MADE THE STATEMENT
AFTER ANOTHER NIGHT OF STRIKING
OUT AT THE BAR.
>> 59% OF THE AMERICANS WANT THE
FAA TO KEEP ITS CELL PHONE BAN
DURING FLIGHT.
THE OTHER 41% WANT YOU TO GUESS
WHERE THEY'RE CALLING FROM.
>> THIS WEEK FOX NEWS HOST
MEGYN KELLY SPARKED CONTROVERSY
WHEN SHE SAID "KIDS, SANTA JUST
IS WHITE.
JUST BECAUSE THAT MAKES YOU
UNCOMFORTABLE DOESN'T MEAN IT
HAS TO CHANGE."
HERE WITH HIS COMMENT IS SANTA
CLAUS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY, HELLO, EVERYBODY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HELLO, CECILY.
>> WOW!
YOU'RE SANTA?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I GUESS THE TRUTH IS OUT.
YOU HEARD OF SECRET SANTA,
HERE'S A SECRET FOR YOU.
I'M BLACK AS HELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I NEVER KNEW.
>> YEAH, I MEAN, IT'S BETTER FOR
EVERYBODY THAT WAY.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY PRESENTS I GOT
TO DELIVER?
I CAN'T AFFORD TO GET PULLED
OVER EVERY TEN MINUTES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'RE OKAY WITH PEOPLE
THINKING SANTA IS WHITE?
>> WHITE GUYS TAKING CREDIT FOR
WHAT A BLACK GUY DID.
I'M MORE USED TO IT THAN I AM
OKAY WITH IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I BET YOU NEVER KNEW THERE
WAS A REWRITTEN VERSE IN "THE
NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS?"
>> SERIOUSLY?
>> YEAH, LET ME READ YOU THE
ORIGINAL.
HIS EYES HOW THEY TWINKLED, HIS
DIMPLES THEY AMAZE.
AND WHEN I SAW HIM I EXCLAIMED,
DAMN IS THAT ISSAC HAYES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> BUT, SO IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU
WHEN PEOPLE INSIST THAT YOU'RE
WHITE?
>> WELL, I'M SURPRISED PEOPLE
EVER THOUGHT I WASN'T BLACK.
HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN A WHITE MAN
TO WEAR AN ALL RED SUIT?
PEOPLE WANT TO BELIEVE THE
REALITIES THAT'S MOST
COMFORTABLE TO THEM.
THEY DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A
WORLD WHERE SANTA'S BLACK AND
ONE OF HIS REINDEER IS GAY.
>> REALLY?
WHICH ONE?
>> COME ON, CECILY.
>> IS IT PRANCER?
>> PRANCER, YEAH.
>> THIS IS ALL SO WEIRD TO ME, I
CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU AND MRS.
CLAUSE ARE BLACK.
>> OH, SHE'S NOT BLACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU THINK A BLACK WOMAN WOULD
TOLERATE LIVING IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE SNOWY WILDERNESS?
NO, IF MRS. CLAUS WAS BLACK,
SANTA WOULD BE LIVING IN ATLANTA
NEAR HER MOMMA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SANTA, I GOTTA ASK, WHY DID
YOU DECIDE TO FINALLY REVEAL
YOURSELF?
>> I GUESS I WANT AN ANSWER TO A
QUESTION THAT'S BEEN BUGGING ME
FOR YEARS.
>> LET'S HEAR IT.
>> WHAT IS KWANZA?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL.
>> I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HELP YOU.
>> I DIDN'T THINK SO.
SO, REMEMBER EVERYBODY, THIS IS
A YEAR OF NEW CHANGES, AND WHEN
I SNEAK INTO YOUR HOUSE, DON'T
CALL THE POLICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SANTA CLAUS, EVERYONE.
>> LET'S KEEP IT REAL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
LET'S KEEP IT REAL.
>>URUGUAY THIS WEEK BECAME THE
FIRST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD TO
LEGALIZE MARIJUANA, WHICH MEANS
THAT HUNDREDS OF *** COLLEGE
STUDENTS JUST BOOKED A FLIGHT TO
PARAGUAY.
>> THE SPORTSMAN CHANNEL
ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT IT IS
DEVELOPING A NEW SERIES WITH
SARAH PALIN THAT WILL FOCUS ON
THE OUTDOORS.
SAID JOHN McCAIN AGAIN, "I AM SO
SORRY."
>>> A GROWING NUMBER OF HOTELS
ARE CATERING TO FEMALE BUSINESS
TRAVELERS, BY OFFERING THEM
CURLING IRONS, WELCOME MATS AND
EQUAL PAY
>> A COUPLE IN ARIZONA WERE
VILLE BUILT THE TALLEST
CHRISTMAS TREE OUT OF
TUMBLEWEED.
>>> OFFICIALS IN MILAN ITALY
HAVE ORDERED A BUSINESS OWNER TO
REMOVE ALL THE DECORATIONS FROM
A PUBLIC CHRISTMAS TREE THAT
CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF SEX TOYS.
WE CAN'T SHOW IT TO YOU HERE,
BUT YOU CAN PROBABLY JUST
IMAGINE WHAT THEIR MENORAH
LOOKED LIKE.
YEAH, LIKE THAT, IN CASE YOU
HAVE A TERRIBLE IMAGINATION.
>>> A BABY ALLIGATOR NAMED
CHOMPY, I'LL GIVE HIM A GOOD
HOME SAID THE PROPRIEOR OF BIG
AL'S SHOES FOR PIMPS.
>>> A $700 BILL FOR A STUDENT'S
AMBULANCE RIDE ADDRESSED TO
UNKNOWN ASIAN.
THE MATTER WAS CLEARED UP WHEN
THE GIRL WAS IDENTIFIED BY HER
BOYFRIEND, JEWISH SOPHOMORE.
>>> COLLEGES ACROSS THE COUNTRY
ARE NOW STARTING TO BRING IN
TRAINED THERAPY DOGS TO HELP
STUDENTS DEAL WITH THE STRESS OF
EXAMS AMAZINGLY BY TUTORING
THEM.
>>> THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS UPON
US ONCE AGAIN, THAT MEANS A LOT
MORE TIME WITH FAMILY, HERE TO
TALK ABOUT HIS FAMILY IS OUR OWN
DRUNK UNCLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE
CHRISTMAS
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ♪
>> ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DRUNK UNCLE, ARE YOU EXCITED
FOR CHRISTMAS?
>> HOW CAN I BE, SETH, YOU KNOW,
THESE KIDS TODAY DON'T EVEN
LEAVE SANTA MILK AND COOKIES ANY
MORE.
THEY JUST LEAVE THEM ALMOND MILK
AND INSTAGRAM CRACKERS.
EVERYTHING HAPPENED SO FAST NOW.
ONE SECOND IT'S HALLOWEEN, AND
THE NEXT SECOND IT'S
THANKSGIVING CHRISTMAS, NEW
YEARS, FOURTH OF JULY.
FELIZ NAVIDAD.
>> OKAY.
>> ALL KIDS CARE ABOUT TODAY IS,
IS THIS TINSEL GRASS FED.
CAN YOU PUT SOME QUINOA IN MY
SPIN CLASS, PLEASE?
>> X-BOX 1.
X-BOX 4.
HUMANITY ZERO.
AND WE HAVE BLACK FRIDAY NOW?
WASN'T FEBRUARY ENOUGH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEALTHCARE.GOV.
THAT WEBSITE IS LIKE MY WIFE
LINDA, IT DOESN'T WORK AND IT'S
FULL OF COMPLAINTS.
>> COME ON NOW, DRUNK UNCLE.
>> YEAH, I STEAL CABLE.
>> WHAT?
>> WHERE'S THE JUSTICE, SETH.
A REINDEER RUNS OVER GRANDMA, HE
GETTING HIS OWN SONG.
A DRUNK UNCLE RUNS OVER ONE
NATIVITY SCENE AND HE HAS TO
CHANGE JUDGES.
♪ GET OUT OF MY GLASS AND INTO
MY MOUTH ♪
♪ GET IN THE BACK SEAT BABY ♪
>> OH, DRUNK UNCLE --
>> I'M NOT MIRACLE ON 34th
STREET, OKAY?
I DON'T HAVE A CORN COBB PIPE
AND A BUTTON NOSE, OKAY?
I WILL NEVER BE ROYAL.
OKAY?
♪♪
THAT'S NOT ME.
>> OKAY, DRUNK UNCLE, I CAN'T
BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, I THINK
YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO DRUNK.
>> I'M DRUNK?
YOU SHOULD SEE MY UNCLE.
>> YOUR UNCLE?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, DRUNKER UNCLE.
>> DRUNKER UNCLE?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, I GOT ONE MORE
DRINK AND 30 MORE NEPHEWS.
♪ GET OUT OF MY GLASS AND
INTO MY MOUTH
GET IN THE BACKSEAT BABY ♪
>> ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS
FOR MY TWO NEIGHBORS NOT TO BE
CHINESE ANY MORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING
ELSE, HE'S NOT MY POPE.
>> OH, BOY.
>> HEY, SETH, WE GOT A JOKE FOR
YOU?
>> YEAH.
>> WHY IS SANTA SO DUMB?
>> I DON'T KNOW, WHY.
>> BECAUSE HE'S NORTH POLISH.
>> ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SETH.
>> YEAH.
>> HEY, HEY, HEY.
>> YEAH.
>> SETH, HEY.
>> THIS IS OUR LAST CHRISTMAS
TOGETHER?
>> OH, DRUNK UNCLE.
>> STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE
DESK.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> I LOVE YOU DRUNKEN UNCLE.
>> DRUNK AND DRUNKER UNCLE,
EVERYONE.
I'M SETH MYERS.
>> I'M CECILY STRONG, GOOD
NIGHT.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS
CASE IS VERY SIMPLE.
DID MR. ROSENFELD UNFAIRLY FIRE
MY CLIENT BASED ON HER LOOKS?
THE ANSWER IS YES.
AND WE WILL SHOW THAT THIS IS AN
OPEN AND SHUT CASE OF SEXISM.
MY CLIENT'S TERMINATION WAS
UNFAIR, UNPROVOKED, AND IN A
PROBLEM THAT IS BECOMING ALL TOO
COMMON, SHE WAS FIRED FOR BEING
TOO HOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DEFENSE, YOUR OPENING
ARGUMENT?
>> I MEAN --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, COUNSEL, YOU HAVE
THE FLOOR.
>> I CALL THE PLAINTIFF, MISS
GENEVIEVE LAZARO.
>> OOOH, I GET TO SIT BY THE
JUDGE?
>> WELL, YES, YOU DO.
>> MISS LAZARA, WHY DO YOU THINK
MR. ROSENFELD TERMINATED YOU
FROM THE ART GALLERY?
>> HE SAID MY APPEARANCE WAS TOO
DISTRACTING.
IT WAS GETTING HIM ALL HOT AND
BOTHERED.
>> OBJECTION, ABSURD STATEMENT.
>> YA WOULD HE SAY WHEN YOU WORE
ONE OF YOUR SEXY STYLISH OUTFITS
AT THE MUSEUM.
>> HIS EYES WOULD POP OUT OF HIS
HEAD.
AND HE WOULD GO, OHROO.
>> BECAUSE OF YOUR HOT SEXY
GORGEOUS BODY.
>> OBJECTION SUBJECTIVE.
>> BECAUSE OF YOUR SHAPELY BODY.
>> OBJECTION.
>> BECAUSE OF YOUR BODY.
>> OBJECTION.
>> BECAUSE OF YOUR STUFF --
BECAUSE OF YOUR STUFF, YOU WERE
OBJECTIFIED AND DEMEANED INSTEAD
OF TREATED LIKE THE BRIGHT
23-YEAR-OLD WOMAN YOU ARE.
>> OBJECTION, SAY WHAT?
>> NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
>> DEFENSE?
YOUR LOVELY WITNESS?
>> MISS LAZARA, YOU LIKE
ATTENTION, DON'T YOU?
>> SOMETIMES.
>> AND MISS LAZARA, DO YOU ENJOY
SEX?
>> OH, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND DO YOU -- YOU ALSO HAPPEN
TO CLAIM YOU WERE A MODEL
EMPLOYEE.
>> NOT LIKE A MODEL MODEL.
>> WELL, YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED
ME.
>> BUT ISN'T IT TRUE, YOU WOULD
TAKE THE DRUG ECSTASY AT WORK
AND BRAG ABOUT IT TO CO-WORKERS?
>> I PLEAD THE FIFTH.
>> YOU CAN'T SELECTIVELY PLEAD
THE FIFTH.
>> THEN I PLEAD NAUGHTY.
>> AND IS IT NOT TRUE THAT
OVER ONE THIRD OF THE GALLERY'S
PAINTINGS HAD TO BE THROWN AWAY
BECAUSE YOU GOT CHOCOLATE ON
THEM?
>> THAT'S INCORRECT, IT WAS
NUTELLA.
>> BUT YOU DO LIKE CHOCOLATE,
DON'T YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOUR HONOR, THE PLAINTIFF'S
BEHAVIOR WAS NOT APPROPRIATE IN
ANY CONTEXT, SHE WAS FIRED
BECAUSE SHE WAS TOTALLY
INCOMPETENT, NOT BECAUSE SHE WAS
TOO HOT.
NO MORE QUESTIONS.
>> MISS LAZARA, IS IT TRUE THAT
MR. ROSENFELD USED TO BEG YOU TO
DANCE FOR HIM BECAUSE HE "NEEDED
IT."
>> OBJECTION, MY CLIENT IS IN NO
WAY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MISS LAZARA'S
DANCING.
>> OKAY, THEN, I SUBMIT EXHIBIT
A, MISS LAZARA'S DANCE MOVES.
♪♪
>> JIM?
♪♪
>> JIM, JIM.
>> YOUR HONOR, OBJECTION.
OBJECTION.
OVERRULED.
>> I LIKE THIS.
♪♪
>> YOUR HONOR.
>> I RULE FOR THE PLAINTIFF, AND
I AWARD HER ONE HOUR IN MY
CHAMBERS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ BELL RINGING ]
>> OKAY, CLASS, LET'S STOP THE
CHATTER.
ONE, TWO, THREE --
>> FOUR, FIVE, QUIET!
>> YAY.
CLASS, THIS IS CAPTAIN LEMKE
FROM THE IRVINE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
HE'S GOING TO BE TALKING TO YOU
ABOUT HOLIDAY FIRE SAFETY.
SO PLEASE STAY FOCUSED AND CURB
THE WIGGLING.
I'M GONNA GO SIT IN MY CAR AND
EAT THIS BAG OF BABY CARROTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
>> GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN LEMKE.
>> ARE YOU GUYS EXCITED FOR
CHRISTMAS?
>> HECK, YEAH, SANTA CLAUS,
BABY.
>> OKAY, WHAT CAN WE DO TO BE
FIRE SMART THIS SEASON?
UNPLUG YOUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AT
NIGHT.
REMIND YOUR PARENTS TO TEST
THEIR SMOKE ALARMS.
AND ALWAYS KEEP WAY SAFE
DISTANCE FROM THE FIREPLACE.
>> WAIT, THE FIREPLACE IS WHERE
THE STOIS COME DOWN.
>> I KNOW YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
CHRISTMAS.
BUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE, WHAT ARE
YOU GOING TO DO?
>> I'M GOING TO GET IN THAT
FIREPLACE FOR THE TOYS.
>> DON'T DO THAT, FIREPLACES ARE
DANGEROUS.
>> DOES THAT MEAN SANTA IS IN
DANGER?
>> NO, THAT'S DIFFERENT, HE HAS
SPECIAL MAGICAL POWERS THAT
PROTECT HIM.
>> I GUESS THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT.
GET IN THAT FIRE, SEE IF HE
BURNS.
>> OH, NO, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M GOING TO
SEE IF MY PETS ARE MAGIC FIRST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
JUST FORGET ABOUT THE MAGIC
THING.
FIRE HURTS EVERYONE, EVEN SANTA.
>> SO SANTA IS IN DANGER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T KNOW, JUST BE CAREFUL
AROUND THE FIREPLACE.
>> HOLD UP, YOU EXPECT ME TO
JUST CHILL OUT SNUG IN MY BED
AND LET THIS SAINT FLY DOWN MY
CHIMNEY INTO A FIERY DEATH TRAP?
THAT IS MASSED UP, MAN.
>> YEAH THAT SEEMS EVIL, CAPTAIN
LEMKE.
WE NEED TO GET SOME BIG SHOES
AND GET IN THAT FIREPLACE AND
GIVE SANTA'S HEADS UP.
>> GREAT IDEA, SHALLON.
>> NO ABOUT WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
>> IT'S SHALLON.
>> HER IDEA IS WRONG, BUT SHE'S
VERY LOUD.
>> SANTA'S MY BOY, AND I HAVE
BEEN BORDERLINE NAUGHTY THIS
YEAR, I ALWAYS SEE HIM GET IN
THAT FIRE 34R5IS.
>> I'M GOING TO GET IN MY
FIREPLACE, SIR.
>> STOP OBSESSING ABOUT THE
FIREPLACE.
>> DON'T GET PLAID AT US, YOU
PLANTED THE FIREPLACE SEED.
>> WHAT IF WE DON'T HAVE A
FIREPLACE, HOW CAN I IMPRESS
SANTA?
>> GET ON THAT ROOF, GRAB SOME
GLOW STICKS, HELP HIM LAND THAT
SLEIGH.
>> DO NOT GO ON TO YOUR ROOF.
IF YOU WANT TOO DO SOMETHING
NICE FOR SANTA, SURPRISE LIMB
WITH SOME MILK AND COOKIES.
>> IF YOU REALLY WANT TO
SURPRISE HIM, YOU CAN HIDE IN
THE OVEN WHERE THE COOKIES ARE.
>> OR HIDE IN THE REFRIGERATOR
WHERE THE MILK IS.
>> I'M GOING TO HIDE IN A
DRYCLEANING BAG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> STOP IT, EVERYBODY BE QUIET.
YOU, YOU DID THIS.
>> YES.
>> COME UP HERE.
IT'S SHELBEY, RIGHT?
>> SORT OF WAY OFF, IT'S
SHALLON.
>> I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU
UNDERSTAND A VERY SIMPLE
CONCEPT.
SO SHALLON HERE IS GOING TO PLAY
OUT A LITTLE SCENARIO, PLEASE
PAY ATTENTION.
LET'S PRETEND IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE
AT SHALLON'S HOUSE.
>> OH, COOL, ARE YOU PLAYING MY
MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND?
MERRY CHRISTMAS CARLOS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M NOT CARLOS.
I'M NOT IN THIS.
NOW, SHALLON, IF YOU SEE A FIRE
IN THE FIRE PLACE, WHAT DO YOU
DO?
>> I JUMP IN THERE AND BE LIKE,
"I SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR YOU,
SANTA!"
>> NOW YOU'RE ON FIRE?
>> I CALL YOU, YOU'RE THE
FIREMAN.
>> THIS WHOLE THING IS TO AVOID
CALLING THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
>> YOU PULL ME OUT OF THE FIRE.
>> I DON'T WANT TO PULL YOU OUT
OF THE FIRE.
>> DO YOUR JOB, YOU'RE LETTING A
CHILD BURN.
>> SHALLON OVERCAME A CORRUPT
FIRE DEPARTMENT AND SAVED
CHRISTMAS, YOU GUYS.
>> SHALLON, SHALLON.
!
>> WELL, I'M LEAVING NOW.
SADLY IT LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE
SEEING YOU ALL ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
>> WELL, LOOK AT THIS, LAST
CARROT, THAT TIMES OUT
PERFECTLY.
LET ME GUESS, THEY BROKE YOU.
>> I BLAME YOU.
>> MISS FINLEY, CAN WE PLAY WITH
MATCHES.
>> WHAT IS MY POLICY ON MATCHES.
>> DO IT OUTSIDE.
>> HAVE FUN.
GO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THIS MONTH ON THE HALLMARK
CHANNEL, IT'S THE HALLMARK
COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS.
ON MONDAY AT 8:00, IF SANTA'S
NOT REAL, THEN WHO KEEPS WILLING
POKING MRS. MILLS ON FACEBOOK.
ROSIE O'DONNELL IS "SKYPING WITH
SANTA."
THEN AT 10:00, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
A YOUNG SINGLE MOM FINDS
FRANKINCENSE IN HER YARD?
DEAN CAIN STARS IN "MY
NEIGHBOR'S A MAGI."
THEN ON TUESDAY YOUR WHOLE
FAMILY WILL BE SAYING BAH HUMBUG
DUDE.
THE KID FROM "MODERN FAMILY" IS
"SCROOGE JR."
AND WEDNESDAY AT 3:00, WHAT
HAPPENS AFTER A BIG HOLIDAY
FEAST?
IT'S PHYLICIA RASHAD'S
"CHRISTMAS NOW."
THEN AT MIDNIGHT HOW DO YOU HELP
A LITTLE GIRL WHO'S LOST HER
FAITH IN GUITAR SOLOS?
IT'S YES VIRGINIA THERE IS A
SANTANA.
AND LATER, SANTA WILL BE SAYING,
HUBBA, HUBBA, DOLLY PARTON HIS
"ELF WITH A SHELF."
AND FRIDAY WHEN RUDOLPH GETS
SICK, SANTA HAS TO GO WITH PLAN
B.
IT'S "ON DASHER, ON DANZA."
THE HALLMARK CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN
WHILE YOU'RE WAITING FOR FOOD TO
COOK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>>> WE NOW RETURN TO THE HOLIDAY
CLASSIC "THE CHRISTMAS WHISTLE."
>> WELL, I'M SORRY IT HASN'T
BEEN 24 HOURS, OFFICER, BUT
DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND ISN'T A
MISSING PERSON.
>> I'M HOME.
>> DADDY.
>> I'M SORRY I SCARED YOU, KIDS.
>> OH, THANK GOD.
WE WERE SO WORRIED, I CALLED THE
OFFICE.
IS IT TRUE?
DID EVERYONE GET LAID OFF?
>> YES, BUT IT'S ALL OKAY NOW.
>> WHY IS IT OKAY, DADDY?
>> BECAUSE I MET SOMEONE AND HE
TOLD ME A VERY VALUABLE LESSON
ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
♪♪
>> DADDY, WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
>> THAT'S THE CHRISTMAS WHISTLE.
>> WHAT IS THAT?
>> EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THE
CHRISTMAS WHISTLE, YOU KNOW THAT
SOMEONE IS WATCHING --
[ WHISTLE ]
>> THAT SOMEONE IS WATCHING
OVER --
[ WHISTLE ]
THAT SOMEONE IS WATCHING OVER
YOU.
>> LET'S JUST GIVE IT A SECOND
AND SEE IF IT STOPS.
[ WHISTLE ]
>> OKAY, THAT SOMEONE --
>> IT'S SO LOUD, DADDY.
>> I'M NOT CONTROLLING IT,
SWEETIE.
>> STOP WITH THE WHISTLE.
>> IT'S NOT ME.
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S COMING
FROM ME.
>> IT'S NOT.
>> MAYBE I'LL COME UP THERE AND
CHECK IT OUT MYSELF.
>> I WOULD LOVE THAT, SALVADOR.
>> IT'S MAKING THE DOGS BARK.
>> IT'S NOT MY WHISTLE, IT'S A
WHISTLE.
>> YOU CERTAINLY SEEM TO KNOW
THE MOST ABOUT IT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?
>> WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS
WHISTLE?
>> A GUY.
>> WHAT KIND OF GUY?
>> HIS NAME WAS BARTHOLOMEW AND
HE SAID HE WAS A --
>> A WHAT?
>> AN ANGEL.
>> OH, GOD YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING
AGAIN.
>> I HAVE NOT BEEN DRINKING.
>> WELL, WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS
ANGEL?
>> IN A BAR.
>> AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
DRINKING.
>> >> I HAD ONE DRINK.
BUT THEN I MET THE ANGEL.
>> OH, MY GOD, THIS STORY.
>> KEEP IT DOWN.
>> IT'S NOT ME.
IT'S THE CHRISTMAS WHISTLE.
>> WHAT IS A CHRISTMAS WHISTLE?
>> IT'S NOTHING.
>> DADDY, IT'S GETTING WORSE.
>> I KNOW IT'S GETTING WORSE, WE
ALL KNOW IT'S GETTING WORSE.
>> DEAR GOD, WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
DEAR GOD, PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP.
>> NOW IT WOKE UP MY MOTHER.
>> WELL, IT WOULDN'T WAKE HER UP
IF SHE WASN'T LIVING WITH US.
>> SHE'S NOT LIVING WITH US,
SHE'S STAYING WITH US UNTIL SHE
DIES.
>> MAKE THE ANGEL STOP, DADDY.
>> THERE'S NO ANGEL, THERE NEVER
WAS AN ANGEL.
>> WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?
>> BECAUSE YOU'RE A LOSER, AND
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A LOSER.
>> BARTHOLOMEW!
>> HE'S CHOKING.
>> OH, MY GOD.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> THANK YOU, BARTHOLOMEW.
YOU AND YOUR WHISTLE TAUGHT ME
THAT THE REAL MEANING OF
CHRISTMAS IS FAMILY.
>> LOOK, EVERYONE.
THE CHRISTMAS WHISTLE.
>> OH, HONEY THAT WAS IN HIS
MOUTH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> EXCUSE ME, SIR?
>> HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
>> I WAS JUST DOING SOME
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AND I'VE ONLY
GOT $60.
AND I NEED TO BUY SIX SHIRTS AND
FOUR PAIRS OF PANTS.
>> YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE,
THAT'S WHAT WE DO AT H&M.
♪♪
>> YEAH.
HAHA.
YOU ON A BUDGET?
THAT LOOKS NICE.
WHERE DID YOU GET IT FROM?
H&M?
♪ YOU WERE H&M SHOPPING NOW
SHOPPING NOW
YOU ARE H&M H&M SHOPPING
THERE ♪
♪ YOU ARE H&M SHOPPING
THERE SHOPPING THERE
YOU ARE H&M SHOPPING THERE
SHOPPING ♪
♪ $5.95 FOR THE SHIRT THAT'S A
DELIGHT SMALL *** PANTS LOOKIN'
LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO SWORD
FIGHT ♪
♪ WALKING THROUGH THE CLUB
WITH YOUR HAIR LIKE
ONE DIRECTION
BRIGHT PINK SUIT LOOKING LIKE
A PARTY'S REPARATION ♪
♪ RED COLORS ORANGE SUITS
HELL ARE YOU A FIREFIGHTER
BRIGHT YELLOW LIKE YOU GOT
YOU'RE SUIT WITH A
HIGHLIGHTER ♪
♪ AND THE PANTS THEY DON'T
EVER DRAG TO THE FLOOR
POLKA DOT SHIRT
WHAT YOU THINKIN THAT FOOL ♪
♪ ANYONE WHO PASSES OFF
THIS OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED MANY
THAT CROSS FOR YOUR NECK
LOOKS LIKE YOUR NEIGHBORS
POMERANIAN ♪
♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OW, THEY'RE SO TINY.
♪ YOU ARE H&M SHOPPING NOW
SHOPPING NOW
YOU ARE H&M H&M SHOPPING
NOW ♪
♪ YOU ARE H&M SHOPPING NOW
SHOPPING NOW
YOU ARE H&M H&M SHOPPIN
NOW ♪
♪ QUESTION FOR YOU THOSE
PAINTS SOMEBODY PAINTIN THOSE
ON YOUR BODY
LOOKS GOOD ON SOME BUT
EVERYTHING AIN'T FOR
EVERYBODY ♪
♪ EIGHT FLOORS IN THIS STORE
WHAT IS THIS THE MALL
THE LINES FROM THE REGISTER
ALL THE WAY TO SENEGAL ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T GET NO PLAY WHEN
YOU DRESSING LIKE DRACULA
♪ YOU MIGHT HAVE BOUGHT A
OUTFIT THE PRICES GOING TO
CLOSE --
PUT THEM IN THE WASHER
THEY'LL DISINTEGRATE ♪
♪ FEEL IT MY ACT NEED
TRIM CUT
AND I SEE YA'LL DO IT
EVERYDAY DIFFERENT ♪
♪ OK I'LL GIVE YA A MIRROR
AND SOME INFO
AND NOW WE'RE GETTING GIRL'S
PANTS WEARING GIRL'S DENIM ♪
♪ WHERE THE SHIRTS
ON THE FLOOR
WHERE THE SUITS
ON THE FLOOR ♪
♪ WHERE THE DRAWERS
ON THE FLOOR
EVERYTHING ON THE FLOOR ♪
♪ H&M SHOPPING NOW SHOPPING
NOW
YOU ARE H&M H&M SHOPPING
NOW ♪
>> ALL THIS FOR LESS THAN A TANK
OF GAS.
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> OKAY, LAST CALL, PEOPLE.
ORDER NOW AND GO HOME WITH A
LITTLE REMAINING DIGNITY.
UP TO YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LOOKS LIKE WE'RE THE LAST TWO
ELVES IN THE WORKSHOP, HUH?
>> HOW ABOUT WE BUILD A
CHRISTMAS CONVERSATION?
>> AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT
BUILDING A RICO CASE AGAINST ME,
BECAUSE THAT'S ALREADY
HAPPENING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HELLO.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND YOUR TRADE?
AND DON'T SAY DOCTOR, BECAUSE I
AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING
ON MY CURRENT SCRIPTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MY HANDLE'S VERNON CROTCHER.
AND I SELL THE PINK GRAVEL THEY
PUT ON VOMIT IN SCHOOLS.
>> NO, GET OUT.
GET OUT, MAN.
THAT'S A CRAZY COINCIDENCE,
BECAUSE MY NAME IS SHEILA
SAVAGE, AND I AM THE BEFORE
MODEL FOR ROSACEA CREAM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO WAY?
>> YEAH MAN.
YEAH.
>> I'M SOMETHING OF A MODEL
MYSELF.
I DRESS AS A TACO AND DANCE NEXT
TO THE HIGHWAY.
>> THAT'S WHERE I'VE SEEN YOU,
YEAH.
YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOU ON THE WAY
TO MY RAGE CLASSES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH MAN, YOU MAKE A CONVINCING
TACO, MY FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, YOU GOT DO DRESS FOR
THE JOB YOU WANT.
>> YOU SAID IT, CROTCHMAN.
>> HA!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHOKING ]
OH, A PEANUT, COOL.
>> EW, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE
PEANUTS HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GIMMIE A LITTLE --
LOOK, WE JUST LADY AND TRAMPED A
PEANUT.
WHAT AM I FEELING HERE, HUH?
IS THIS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE?
>> YOU ARE SO, SO, SO NOT MY
TYPE.
>> YEAH.
>> AND YOU ARE SO, SO, SO, SO,
SO THE ONLY WOMAN HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND I CHOOSE YOU OUT OF ZERO
MORE CHOICES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> UGH, DO YOU GUYS WANT A DRINK
OR NOT?
>> I'LL HAVE A WHITE WINE WITH
SKOK TAIL ON ONS.
>> AND I'LL HAVE A SHAKEN CAN OF
KILLIANS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, YEAH.
>> YOU LIKE TO SHAKE STUFF UP,
HUH?
>> LET'S JUST SAY I LIKE TO TURN
THINGS UPSIDE DOWN.
>> YEAH, YOU TALKING 69?
YOU TALKING 66?
THAT'S YOU AND ME UPSIDE DOWN IN
BED WATCHING TV.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ARE YOU FEELING WHAT I'M
FEELING?
>> OH, MAN, WHY ARE WE SO DRAWN
TO EACH OTHER?
>> BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK.
NOW, LET'S SPEED THIS UP AND GET
TO THE GROSS PART.
I HAVE A DIABETES WALK IN FIVE
HOURS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
L >> OKAY.
I CAN'T -- I CAN'T --
THE BEARD IS A LOT FOR ME.
MAYBE IF I PAINTED YOU UP LIKE
SANTA CLAUS, I'D HAVE AN EASIER
TIME OF IT.
BAR KEEP, COULD YOU GIVE ME SOME
OF YOUR IRISH COFFEE FIXIN'S?
THANK YOU.
I'VE ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR
KRISS KRINGLE.
OH, YEAH, I FEEL THAT.
>> I THINK YOU COULD USE A
LITTLE MUSTACHE YOURSELF TO
COVER YOUR ACTUAL MUSTACHE
OPINION
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> WOW!
>> IT'S GO TIME.
>> MY HEART AND MY GENITALS SAY
NO.
BUT MY HYPOGLYCEMIA SAYS YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH!
>> WOW!
THAT WAS DE-ROUSING.
>> YEAH, YEAH, I THINK THERE'S A
BIT OF A DEAD TOOTH SITUATION
GOING ON IN THERE.
THAT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL.
>> THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.
>> I LIKE WHERE YOU'RE GOING
WITH THIS.
YOU'RE GOING TO MOTORBOAT ME
WHILE I MAKE CAT *** NOISES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ MOTORBOAT AND CAT NOISES ]
>> ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE THE
EFFORT, YOU'RE WAY OFF, THOUGH.
THESE ARE ACTUALLY MY
COLLARBONES.
MY *** ARE TUCKED UNDER MY
BELT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ MOTORBOAT AND CAT NOISES ]
>> OKAY, I'M PULLING THE FIRE
ALARM.
[ ALARM RINGS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>>> THANKS TO KING OF LEON,
ROBERT DE NIRO,
SYLVESTER STALLONE.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪