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[♪ Latch Key Kid: Good Times]
♪ Why don't we step outside ♪
♪ And change our view ♪
♪ We don't see eye-to-eye ♪
♪ Sometimes, it's true ♪
♪ But good times will come around ♪
♪ When we follow through ♪
♪ I just want to share a smile ♪
♪ With a friend like you ♪
♪ A friend like you ♪♪
[man] Looks good, right?
So my plan is to create this cluster of live-work lofts
all along the perimeter here.
And... Come here. I also am planning
this neighborhood-y dining and retail area in the central square.
I even had this thought that maybe you, Denise and Hailey
could open up a second location for your store.
Really? Because Denise keeps talking about opening up another branch.
Well, it'd be great.
The land is pricey, so I couldn't develop it right away.
But once I sell the Ferrigno estate, I could put a down payment on it
and still have enough money for the reception in Santa Barbara.
What are you talking about? What reception?
Zooey, I know it's only been eight months.
But I am so madly, insanely, ridiculously in love with you.
- Will you marry me? - Yes! It just happened two minutes ago, Hailey.
Can you believe it?
[woman on phone] No, I can't. It's amazing.
Oh, my God. I've been on, like, ten million dates
and you end up marrying some awesome guy who randomly walks into our store?
Cute. She doesn't know she's on speakerphone.
Oh, you do not know how lucky you are.
It is impossible to find a good guy in this city.
- [Zooey] I know. - I thought we were connecting.
- Oh, my God. Really? - Kind of.
I'm sorry, but not really.
Hey, will you conference in Denise?
- [Hailey] Oh, my God! You called me first? - Oh, God.
Yes. Hold on.
Hi. [laughs] Hi.
[both laughing]
I love that piece of land. It's perfect.
I'm glad. I know the neighborhood's a little, you know...
[Denise] Oh, my God, Zo! I can't *** believe you didn't call me first!
You are such a freak. Hailey's first on my speed dial.
No, I'm kidding. I'm so psyched for you, I feel like I'm gonna puke right now.
Hold on. Barry hates when I'm in the house during poker night.
- Give me a second, you fat ***! - Get out of the *** house.
- Zooey just got engaged! - To who?
- [Denise] You joking? To Peter. - Who? Me.
- [Barry] I don't know. - I've met him 20 times.
- [Denise] You've met him 20 times. - I don't know Peter.
- You don't know Peter? - I have no idea.
- We've been on 20 dates with him. - I've never met Peter.
You are such an ***.
Sorry, Zo. Have you set a date?
Yes. June 30th in Santa Barbara.
Peter booked the place we went for that long weekend.
- So romantic. - Oh, my God. He is so romantic.
That's where you *** for the first time, right?
Uh... No.
[Denise] No, that was the hot tub in Mexico.
Oh, that's right. Santa Barbara was just oral.
- You guys. - That's right. The hot tub.
You had your period in Santa Barbara and wanted to wait.
God, you're so old-fashioned, Zooey.
- You told them about the hot tub. - Maybe.
[Denise] Wow. June 30th?
- Yeah, I know. It's soon... - Who cares? Peter's a doll,
and he goes down on you like six times a week. What are you waiting for?
Marry him. Don't wait. Lock that tongue down, girl.
It's gonna be great. All right, guys, I'll call you later. I love you.
It's beautiful. It's totally understated.
It's perfect.
I know! No, he's the best.
I feel so lucky. All right.
All right, Debbie. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.
Honey! I've been totally hogging the phone. Who do you want to call?
I'm OK. My parents are probably asleep, so I'll talk to them tomorrow.
- You don't want to tell any friends? - I'll make calls this weekend.
Really? Well, what about Tevin?
You talk to him, like, 20 times a day, right?
Well, yeah. He works two cubicles away from me.
I'll see him Monday morning.
Or, what's his name. The one that you fence with.
- Gil? - Gil.
Gil. Gilliam.
He's not really a "call right away" kind of friend.
- [pops] - Whoa. [laughs]
- Oh! - Ha-ha! Toasting.
Huh... [laughs]
- Oh, hi! - Hi.
- Congratulations. - Thanks, Mom.
[Peter] Excellent meat. So good.
- [Zooey] This is delicious. - [Peter] Really is, Mom.
[mother] Thank you.
But did Peter have any good friends growing up?
I honestly don't remember any.
Zooey, just to clarify,
my dad worked for IBM, so we moved a lot when I was a kid.
Robbie always managed to have friends.
He probably wanted to suck their dicks, but...
- [mother] Oswald! - No, Mom, it's cool. I totally did.
- But he doesn't have to use that kind of language. - Indeed.
Why? My son is a gay man, and I embrace his lifestyle.
It's true. Dad loves the gays.
I actually made him an honorary *** last month.
[makes explosion sound]
The point is, Zooey, Peter always
connected better with women.
You know, I can see that, because he's a great boyfriend.
- Thank you, fiancée. - [Oswald] You got to understand,
Peter matured sexually at a very early age.
I remember taking him swimming when he was 12.
- Kid had a bush like a 40-year-old Serbian. - Oh, come on.
- [laughs] - OK. Dad, please, stop talking.
- Good to know. - Nice.
- He had a Speedo full of Brillo. Be proud. - [laughter]
- [laughing] Oh, God. - Who invited the standup comedian over here?
Here's the deal. Peter's always been a "girlfriend guy."
He put all his focus and energy into his relationships
and all his dude friends fell by the wayside.
[Peter] Don't listen to him. We're eight years apart.
Barely grew up in the same house.
This is ridiculous. Why is it weird that I had girlfriends?
Nothing. We're just saying you never had a best friend.
- Well, who's your best friend? - I have two.
Hank Mardukas has been my closest friend since our first year at IBM.
- Best man at our wedding. - Yeah, he was.
Talk to him two, three times a week on the phone for 30 years now.
- And then there's Robbie. - What's up?
Whoa... Robbie is your other best friend?
Correct. And Hank Mardukas.
[honking]
[♪ Spoon: The Underdog]
♪ Picture yourself in a living room ♪
♪ Your pipe and slippers set out for you ♪
♪ I know you think that it ain't too far ♪
♪ But I, I hear a call of a lifetime ring ♪
♪ Felt the need to get up for it ♪
♪ You cut out the middleman ♪
[man] What the *** is he looking at?
♪ You got no time for the messenger ♪
♪ Got no regard for the thing that you don't understand ♪
Davis Dunn Realty, how may I direct your call? Please hold.
- ♪ That's why you - will not survive ♪ - [man] Hold.
- Put him through to Tevin. - It's very close to downtown.
How close do you want to be?
Thank you, sweetheart.
I can't get you that close.
Because the schools are terrible.
[indistinct chattering]
Skyscrapers were all lit up. I got down on one knee.
- She was totally surprised. - Well, I'm jealous, Peter.
Because you never gave me a shot. [laughs]
- But you'll make the best husband. - Stop it. Stop.
- All right, you can continue. - [laughter]
- [coughs] - Morning, Tracy.
- [coughing] - Hey, Tevin.
- Hey, man. - What's so funny?
A guy in my fantasy football league sent me a QuickTime.
It's a grandma riding a Sybian machine.
- [laughs] What's that? - It's one of those vibrating saddles
that women sit on to give them super intense orgasms.
- Oh! - Check it out.
- [woman] Oh, damn! - How sick is that?
- Very. That's very sick. - So awesome.
- [chuckling] - Hey. So, what up, dog?
How's that Ferrigno dealio coming?
It's coming good. I'm getting ready to show in a couple weeks.
Oh, great. I'm gonna throw this out there,
because it's a big piece of house: if you want a co-pilot on this,
- I'd be happy to team up with you. - No, I know.
- I feel like I want to give myself the challenge... - Yeah.
- Just see how it... I appreciate the offer. - No sweat.
Hey, anyway, my girlfriend and I...
Well, we had this very special evening planned, and I want...
Oh! She's a squirter! She's squirting!
- Peter, we got a squirter! - [PDA chiming]
Old Faithful!
Hello, fiancée.
[Zooey] Hey. I totally forgot. It's my turn to host ladies' night.
Oh, no prob. I have fencing practice anyway.
I'll grab a beer with Gil and the boys afterward. Hit them with the big news.
- Great! I got to go. Love you. - I love you, too.
Peter! Peter!
- I'm sending it to you. - No, I don't want it.
- You got it. - Oh, God!
I didn't even click... How does it do...? I didn't even click it on.
- [tapping keyboard] - She's got a bush like a porcupine.
I don't want to know about her bush. Hi, Lynette.
- [beeping] - Ah! Suck it!
Good bout, Gil. Sweet bout!
Good job.
Wow. Way to go, buddy.
- Great bout. - [Gil] *** off.
Bro, really sorry I lost my *** out there.
I did not see that InQuartada coming.
Oh. Don't worry. You know, you came in with a pretty sweet glissade.
- Anybody seen my manchette? - Did you look under your plastron, dickwicker?
- *** you, Larry! - Oh, *** you, Eugene.
- Classic. - Thank you, Larry.
[fakes laugh]
Hey, so you guys want to, like, get some grub, or grab a beer or something?
We're actually heading up to Joshua Tree tonight.
What's going on up there?
We're doing this thing for Eugene.
Kind of a bachelor party/ camping trip kind of thing. You know.
I didn't even know you were getting married.
Yeah. Taking the leap next Sunday.
- Great. - Dirty little ***.
He's gonna lose his virginity finally.
I've *** my girlfriend. He's kidding.
Right on! Very cool. Very, very cool.
- That's... Cool. - I would've invited you.
I just didn't think you'd be into it.
You never really come out with us after practice.
Oh, no, dude. Don't even. It's so fine. Really.
Thanks, though. Thank you, but...
It's funny, actually. I just got engaged myself.
- Wow. That's awesome. - You did?
- Congratulations. - Mazeltov.
- That's great. - Good luck with that.
- Thank you. And you too. - Thanks.
- Well, we should probably hit the road. - Traffic.
- Have a blast. - We'll be back on Wednesday.
Play a U2 record while you're there.
- [man laughs] Good. Because of Joshua Tree. - That's right.
[woman] Hilarious, know what I mean?
[laughter, screaming]
I'm serious. Know what my favorite nights are? Hanging out with you girls.
I can do it guilt-free because Barry loves hanging out with his friends too.
I mean, every weekend, there's a golf getaway, a ski trip, a weekend in Vegas.
Wait, Vegas? You're not worried he's gonna cheat on you?
- He's 40 pounds overweight with a Jewfro and a small ***. - [laughing]
I love him to death,
but I'm the best looking woman he'll get,
and I'm only a seven, so, come on.
[woman] You're not a seven.
[Zooey] Peter's not a freakazoid.
I don't know. I think this is kind of serious.
A guy without friends can be really clingy.
Like, my brother-in-law drives my sister crazy.
He's always, "When will you be home?
Where you going? Can I come with you?
But nothing's on TV. What will I do? Be home before midnight."
- Peter's not like that. Please. He's just not like that. - Well, just wait.
Anyway, you've got six bridesmaids and a maid of honor.
It'll be weird if we're walking down the aisle alone.
[all chattering]
So who's gonna be his best man?
I have no idea. I honestly think that his best friend is his mom.
- [all gasp] - [Zooey] Not like that.
Peter?
Peter?
[Zooey] Honey?
- Hey! - [all] Hey!
I, uh, made you guys some root beer floats.
- [all] Wow! - [Denise] Are those chocolate straws?
Yeah. Pirouettes. Pepperidge Farm.
Thank you so much for the floats, baby. That was so sweet.
- My pleasure. Enjoy. - Hey, congratulations on the wedding.
- Congratulations! - [all cheering]
I know. It's so exciting. I feel so grownup.
- All right, sir. - OK, ma'am.
- [laughter] - OK.
[Zooey] ***! Do you think he heard us?
[all] No way.
I got to get some *** friends.
This is cool, you're coming to me for help.
The good news is not only do I know men,
but straight guys are my specialty.
- What does that mean? - I get bored pursuing gays.
I like to give myself more of a challenge.
- [man] Yeah! - Excuse me one second.
There you go, brother.
Dig deep, come on. Push that *** out.
Look, I'm pinkies, I'm barely touching it. You're clear.
Locked it in, dude. Nice job. Nice lift.
- Thanks, man. - You're welcome.
- All right. I'll see you around. - I hope so.
That guy was totally flirting with you.
I told you. And did you see his wedding ring? Straight as an arrow.
I tell you, hooking up is easy.
Meeting platonic male friends, not so much.
So what do I do? How do I meet friends? It's such a weird concept.
Well, I can do some recon around the gym.
- But you'll have to be aggressive about this, man. - Yeah.
Use the Internet to meet guys. Get Mom to fix you up.
If you see a cool-looking guy,
strike up a conversation and ask him on a man-date.
- A what? - A man-date.
- OK. No. - You know what I mean?
By that, I mean a casual lunch or after-work drinks, OK?
No dinner and no movies.
You're not taking these boys to see The Devil Wears Prada.
Oh, God, I love that movie. No, I won't.
- I know what you mean. - This is exciting.
We're gonna find you some friends.
- [Peter] I'm gonna... What do I do? - You don't play much?
- I used to play a lot of Hearts in college. - It's the same thing.
I don't even know why he called. He doesn't even play poker.
I don't know, but it's Zooey's fiancé,
so just shut the *** up and be nice.
If I do this, we're having sex with the lights on.
- Really? - Yeah. Like in Jamaica.
- Fine. - All night long.
Fine. Love you.
My brother's a great guy, you know?
I mean, he's smart, he's, uh...
I don't know him that well, but I'll give you five free sessions if you take him out.
- [woman] Go Beckham! - [cheering]
So glad Robbie hooked this up. This is awesome! This is awesome!
- Me too. - Isn't this great, man? I love soccer!
Here we go, Galaxy! Here we go!
Here we go, Galaxy! Here we go!
- Come on, stand up. Here we go, Galax... - Shut the *** up!
- Now people are really upset. - You shut up!
- You shut up! - Tryin' to watch the game!
Honey, he just moved to LA.
He barely knows anyone. He's an architect.
His mother says he's so excited to meet you.
[Peter] Robbie told me not to have dinner with any of these guys.
Oh, your brother's a crazy person.
One dinner won't kill you.
- Doug? - Peter?
- Hey. - Hey.
So you just moved here, huh?
I did. Pretty recently. A couple weeks.
Fresh off the boat from Chicago.
- ChiTown. Oh, yeah. - Windy City.
Da Bears.
Oh, those sports guys. You know what else,
the other old Saturday Night Live one I love?
What's the one Dana Carvey does with the old lady who's like...?
- Church Lady. - Yes!
Isn't that special?
Isn't that special?
That sounded kind of more leprechaun-y.
- It did? - It did a little. Like a leprechaun.
- [beeping] - Oh.
Nice to meet you too, Mel Stein.
[Mel] Oh, the picture's from a couple years back.
[laughs] Have a seat.
I'm so happy to meet you in person, you know.
Me too. How long have you been using the Internet?
Oh... Three or four years.
I didn't know anything about it until a couple years ago.
- You're good at it now. - Thank you.
- And the big dog! - There it is!
Let me ask you guys. Beatles, Stones. On a count of three.
- One, two, three. Beatles. - All in.
- *** you. - I don't care.
- All in. - You're an idiot.
- That's you, pal. - I will call in.
- Too much for me. - Anybody else? Just me and you? That's it? Pot right?
- Trip queens. - Nice.
- Three ladies. Three ladies. - Nice hand.
- Finally. *** pot. - Wait, let's see what he's got.
[Peter] I've nothing. I have five spades.
- That's a flush. - Flush!
He's a *** ***.
- Relax. - I'm not gonna relax.
- What? - I said you're an ***, Peter.
Oh, don't take it too seriously.
What are you staying in with seven deuce suited?
With a *** rainbow rag flop!
Take the *** chips. I'm buying in.
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was a rainbow.
- Is the wine treating you well? - It opened up beautifully.
- Excellent. - Come on.
- Hot. Hot. - Oh, my God.
- She's so hot. - She's smoking.
- You've done a boat race? - No.
Drink the *** beer. You'll get the hang of it.
It doesn't matter who's winning.
It comes down to you and me. We're the anchors.
- Let's boat race! Race it up. - Ain't no luck in boat racing.
One! Two! Three! Go!
Come on, Pete! It's all you, Peter!
[shouting]
- Take him down! - One more time! Let's go!
- [shouting] - Ah!
[all shouting]
- Barry! *** it! - *** it, Barry!
In your face!
In your fa...
Holy ***!
- I'm sorry. - [Barry] Get out of my house.
- I'm so sorry. - [Barry] Just get out of my *** house.
- I'm sorry. - This is not cool! Get the *** out!
I got to tell you, I really enjoyed this.
I've been out with so many jerks recently.
It's nice to meet somebody I can have an actual conversation with.
- Let's do it again. - I'd love to.
OK, uh... Tomorrow night.
- Matsuhisa. Eight. - I will see you there, sir.
Awesome.
You've been so busy. I've hardly seen you these past couple weeks.
I know. I've been crazy at work.
I'm happy to see you now.
Have you been kissing someone?
No.
Peter, your mouth tastes like an ashtray.
Yes.
I went to dinner with this guy and he kissed me.
What the *** are you talking about?
My mom set me up with this guy and he thought I was gay,
and it was just... It was a misunderstanding.
Your mom set you up with a guy?
You told me you were going to dinner with a client.
- What the hell is going on? - Look, I overheard you talking
- to the other girls on your girls' night, and... - I knew it.
Look, I know you're stressed out that I don't have any close friends,
so I've been trying to meet someone.
You... Oh. Right, you've been try... So that explains a lot.
I thought it was so weird that you wanted to hang out with Barry.
Yeah, exactly. Guy's a ***. Threw up in his face.
Yeah, I know. Denise told me.
- I threw up in his... A lot. - Yeah.
- Projectiled. - Yeah.
- That's a real thing. - Yeah.
I don't think I'm going to meet anybody by June 30th,
so our wedding party's gonna be a little uneven.
Peter, I don't care. I just want you to be happy.
And to stop kissing strange men.
[both laugh]
Wow, it's really smoky in there.
Yeah, he got up in there.
- Tongue? - Oh, yeah.
You wouldn't mind brushing your teeth?
No. I've already done it a couple times.
I'll do the mouthwash again.
There's some Tom's in the top cabinet.
No, I got to go with chemicals on this.
- I love you. - I love you, too. I might use Comet.
[♪ The Flaming Lips: The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song]
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ If you could blow up the world ♪
♪ With the flick of a switch ♪
♪ Would you do it? ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ If you could make everybody poor ♪
♪ Just so you could be rich ♪
♪ Would you do it? ♪
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I live down there.
I like it. I'm liking it.
Yeah. It's a good space, you know? It's a good vibe.
Yeah? Terrific.
Well, when the Santa Anas come through, it is majestic.
- Thanks. I'm excited. We'll let you know. - OK. Thank you.
- Hello. - Hi.
- If you need any help, let me know. - Thanks.
Mmm!
- Thank you for eating. - I'm the first one, huh?
I never understood why people are so afraid to eat at an open house.
- I know. - Why's Ferrigno selling?
He bought a place in Jackson Hole.
- Ah. - He's tired of the Hollywood grind.
Right. I've always wanted a pad
with a giant Lou Ferrigno statue,
so I think I've found it.
[Peter] He's got one.
You're wasting your time with that couple. Just FYI.
Why do you say that?
I saw the guy pull in. He's driving a Saab 9-3,
which, I'm not a snob, it's a great car, but it costs $30,000.
This house must be, what, 4.2 million dollars?
Doesn't quite compute, right?
I hope that's not the case. He told me he was making an offer.
I think he's trying to impress that girl
he hasn't slept with yet.
How do you know that?
Well, it's body language, you know?
Look, that guy needs to fart.
Pretty clear. But he won't do it in front of her,
so I assume they haven't slept together.
- I like it. You OK? - Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good.
- He does seem to be clenching. - He doesn't want to fart.
Watch. When he gets enough space, he'll let one rip.
Oh, that's a good move.
"Hey, go check out the kitchen, honey, I'll meet you in there."
Now watch. He's making his move slowly.
Slowly but surely. Watch the leg.
Wait for it. Wait for it. Fart.
- That's a fart. - Oh, my God.
- That's a *** fart. - Oh, my God!
Look at him crop-dusting your open house. It's a disgrace.
- He farted in my open house. - He sure did.
You know what, guy? I like it, but I'm thinking it might be a little bit small.
Totally, and it smells like fart.
- [woman] What? - [man] Never mind.
Let's take off, baby. Come on.
[man] Roll down the windows in that car, sweetheart.
You called that. That was like a play-by-play. That's amazing.
- Yeah. Well, I know my farts. - Unbelievable.
Listen, just full disclosure.
I have no interest in buying this house.
Well, then why are you here?
To eat your free food and to try to meet a divorcée.
- Are you serious? - I am. I've found that at the classy open houses,
the spread is usually pretty decent,
and there's a beautiful bevy of attractive and newly single women.
I don't know what to say.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for the sundried tomato aioli,
because it's a revelation.
Oh, wow. Hey, thanks for noticing.
I'm taking this Panini for the road.
There's a open house in Bel Air that promises to be replete with cougars.
- You don't want to miss that. - No, sir.
- It was nice to meet you. - You too.
Hey, let me give you my business card.
In case you're looking for a new home or anything.
I specialize in smaller houses. Bungalows, that kind of thing.
Oh, lovely. Let me give you mine as well.
- OK. "Sydney Fife." - That is my name.
- There you go. - Thank you for the great open house.
- My plezh. OK. - All right.
- Nice to meet you. - You too, Sydney.
Hello.
- I can't call him. - Why are you being a chickenshit?
He gave you his card. It's an open invitation. Engage your core.
It's beach season. It's beach season.
I hate this. There's no rules for male friendships.
Why are you freaking out? You went out with guys.
- I'm nervous about this one. - Because you really like him.
All right, buddy, great set.
Take five, I'll come rub you down.
Look, if he does call, no more dinners.
It's sending the wrong message.
- I know, I know. - [man] Hey, Peter!
I got an extra ticket to the Galaxy game tonight!
You know what? Thanks, man. I'm sorry, I can't. I got a, uh...
- ...a function. - I got season ticks.
I'll get you on the flip side. Here we go.
Hey, thanks a lot for hooking me up with Elmo over there. That was a blast.
- What? That guy's cool. - Here we go. Come on, push it out.
[squeaking] Everything you got! Everything you got!
[soft whistling]
Yeah... Just do it.
Hey... Pathetic.
Sydney, how you doing? It's Peter Klaven.
Sydney, it's Peter Klaven. We met at the open house last week.
Get some guts, would you? Got some cheese. Give me a break.
Oh, my God.
- Hey, Peter. - Hey, Carolyn.
Sorry.
[voicemail] Fife. You know what to do.
Hey, Peter. It's Sydney Klaven. No, that's not right. Oh!
Uh... [laughs] Sydney, it's Peter Klaven.
I, uh, met you last week at an open house
and, uh, I had a showing and, uh...
Anyway, uh, I was wondering if you ever wanted to get together
and, uh, talk about real estate and whatnot.
- Or whatnot. And... - Hey, sugar.
Hey.
Uh... Uh... I'm sorry, I forgot what I was going to say.
What was I saying?
Um, yes, the open house and we met...
Anyway, no rush.
You call me back whenever you get a mo.
Get a moment. And, um,
we will talk when I talk to you.
All right. Hope you're having a great day.
OK. Bye, now.
[sighs]
***.
I'm fine with a little mercury poisoning
as long as I get to eat raw fish. I love it so much.
My doctor says it's bad if you're trying to get pregnant.
- [Hailey] I heard that. - Which Barry and I are doing.
- My God, that's so exciting! - Ew!
- I'm sorry. - What?
Sorry. I pictured you and Barry having sex.
- And he's so big and you're so tiny... - Hailey.
Like, I totally imagined Barry just like...
Hold on. Why are you even imagining us doing it anyway?
- I'm seeing it again. - Well, stop! Cut it!
- [Hailey] No, I love Barry. - Hey!
- Hey! - Hi!
- Hey! - Hi!
- What are you doing here? - I had a meeting downtown
with the owners of the development site,
so thought I'd say hi on my way back to the office.
So, Peter, how's your little manhunt coming?
Really, you told them? Shocking.
Barry and his friends said they had a great time with you the other night.
- [Peter] Seriously? - No.
I don't drink that much and they pound.
- They were pounding drinks. - You're not used to drinking.
- [PDA chimes] - Excuse me just a second.
Peter Klaven.
Excuse me just one...
Hey, Sydney. How are you?
Is that a man or a woman?
I don't know. I never heard of Sydney.
Uh-huh. I could be in Venice by five, yeah.
- I can do that. - It's a man-date. This is a man-date.
James' Beach Bar and Grill. I look forward to it.
Sounds great.
All right. I'll see you in a jiff!
- "See you in a jiff"? - I don't know why I said that. I've never said that
in my life. I just said "See you in a jiff."
Honey, you're all flustered. Who was that?
It was just this guy that I met at my open house.
Sydney something or other.
- Sydney. I like it. - [Denise] Oh, my God.
- Peter's got a boyfriend. - And I don't.
- God. Why is everything about you? - Because I'm single.
[♪ The Bonedaddys: Waterslide]
♪ You can wear my underwear Vindaloo for us to share ♪
♪ Always dressed in summery tees ♪
♪ You can play the wild card Bury your bones in my yard ♪
♪ Meet me at the waterslide ♪
♪ Waterslide ♪♪
I'm meeting him right now.
[Robbie] No dinner. He'll get the wrong idea.
You don't want another tongue-*** at the valet stand.
Yes, Robbie, I promise. No dinner.
Dude, I'm pumped about this. Call me when you get home.
Yeah!
Thank you both.
So you break it off with your ex-girlfriend...
Yeah, and I met Zooey the next day.
Oh, man, no laj between the ***?
- What does that mean? - No lag time between vaginas.
[laughs] Yeah, no. I mean, I didn't plan for it to be like that, you know,
with no laj, but it just happened.
Ah. All right. How's the sex?
That's a little private, wouldn't you say?
It's something we think about on a second to second basis
and yet we're not supposed to talk about it? Why?
Well...
I guess no one's ever really asked me before,
but it's good, sex is good.
- Oh, boy. - What, "Oh, boy"?
- Your voice went up when you said that. - So?
It means you weren't being entirely truthful.
Look, I don't know this girl,
so you can talk to me. What's the deal?
All right, I guess maybe sometimes I wish that she enjoyed... you know.
- Getting it in the ***? - No. No, no, no.
- That's my bad. - Oral sex.
Oh! She doesn't like to put it in the mouth?
I can't believe I'm telling you this.
I don't even know you. Forget it. Look.
Zooey's awesome. And we have a great sex life, we really do.
I can't... I don't even know why I said that.
Because you're speaking honestly, all right? Relax.
What about you, huh? Have you ever been married?
No. For what I'm looking for, divorcées are perfect.
They don't want anything serious and neither do I.
Oh. Hey, man. You know, if it works for you...
Believe me, Pistol, it is the best.
- Pistol? - Pistol.
Because you're Pete. So Pistol Pete.
Pistol Pete.
Excuse me, you finishing up here soon?
Oh, uh, no.
Sorry, we're actually staying for dinner.
Actually, I already have a dinner plan with my fiancée.
No, dude, this place has the best fish tacos in the world. Literally. Ranked.
You got to have one. Or two.
It's the pico de gallo, man. Just use your hands.
We're barbarians after all. Men.
Every once in a while, I go down to the boardwalk
and I just throw my own feces like a gorilla.
- You all right? - Whoo.
How can you disagree with me on this?
It's bad for the whole world.
My lease is gonna be up and I think...
- Are you talking about hybrid cars? - Yes. Yes.
I thought you were talking about hybrid animals.
- Hybrid animals? - Yeah.
What the *** is a hybrid animal?
Took Andre the Giant a barrel of beer to get drunk.
- Sometimes two. - Hello, pretty lady.
- Anybody want a peanut? - [laughing]
We get a third order of tacos?
Hands down the best fish taco I've ever had in my life.
- Those tortillas were incredible. - They make them in-house.
It sets up the flavor for the whole dish.
I just realized I never even asked you if you were interested in buying a house.
Oh, no. No, why would I be?
When you called, I didn't know if you wanted to talk about real estate or not.
You seemed like a good dude.
I thought I'd see if you wanted to grab a beer.
- I'm glad you called. - You get home safe, Pistol.
- You got it, Joban. - What?
- Nothing. - No, what'd you say?
I don't know.
You nicknamed me "Pistol" and I just called you "Joban."
It means nothing. I'm drunk. I'm going to call a cab.
[laughs] All right, man. You have my number, yeah?
I got you stored in my iPhin.
All right. If you need me, call, OK?
Aw, man, I'm golden.
- All right, bud. - All right, man.
Have a good night.
I don't know the number for a taxi. [whistles]
- Hi, baby. - Hey.
- Did you have a good time? - Yeah, we did. Yeah.
Sydney's a cool guy.
Got kind of drunk.
- Really? - Yeah, I had to take a cab home.
Really? Did you, um...?
- Throw up in his face? No. - Yeah.
- Oh, good. - That's good.
That's good. So is he your best man?
It's way too early to tell. But it's very sweet of you to ask.
Go back to sleep. I'll be in soon. I want to see if I got any hits on Ferrigno.
OK.
- Whoomp! There he is! - Ah!
- Whoomp! There he is! - Stop.
- ***, *** and ***. - I'm ticklish!
Uncle. Uncle.
Hey. How was the open hizzy?
- The what? - The open house.
Oh, the open house. Oh, it was great.
Yeah? Did you flip that *** yet?
Uh, no. I mean, I've had a few nibbles. No bites.
Nibbles? Me no likey nibbles.
- Peter, can I talk to you as a friend? - Sure.
You're dealing with the house of a major Hollywood celebrity:
Mr. Louis Ferrigno, The Hulk from television.
- Of course. I know that. - How badly do you want to sell?
- I need to. You know, for... - I know you need to.
Do it the old fashioned way. You got to network,
meet a lot of people. You got to get them some leave-behinds.
I have brochures.
Brochures are totally different, OK?
- How? - You see this picture right here?
Yeah.
- Do you know who took it? - No.
M. Night Shyamalan.
The director of The Village.
- OK. - What's your bus bench ad situation?
- I don't have any. - What about urinal cakes?
- How about urinal cakes? - Do you use them?
- When I pee. - That's not what I'm talking about.
Go into any Olive Garden, P.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro,
T.G.I. Friday's, Fuddruckers.
What do they have in the bathroom? Urinal cakes with my face on it.
- I don't see how... - I've had people come up to me and say,
"I know you from somewhere." "Yeah, you do. You pissed on my face, friend."
I don't see how having somebody *** on my face
is gonna be able to sell Lou Ferrigno's house.
Peter, you got the steak, but I got the sizzle, my nizzle. Right?
Why don't we split the listing. OK?
Let me wet my beak on this action. We'll both be winners.
I appreciate it, but I'd like to try and do this myself.
Yeah. Absolutely.
I'm just putting on my friend hat here.
- I appreciate it. - Whoomp! There he is!
[laughs] Oh! Watch yourself, big girl.
[cell phone rings]
- Fife. - [Peter] Hey, Sydney.
It's the Pistol.
Who?
Peter Klaven from the James' Beach thing the other night.
Hey, yeah, what's going on, man?
Not much. I'm working like a dog.
But, you know, the usual... the yoozh stuff.
I, uh, was just calling to say, hey, I had a great time the other night.
Yeah, I had a nice time, man. Those fish tacos are the ***.
Yeah, you know, if you ever want to grab lunch or something, nothing major.
Actually, I'm gonna take my puggle for a little jaunt on the Venice Boardwalk.
- You should come meet me. - All right. Yeah, great.
Cool. Meet me at Muscle Beach at, like, I don't know, in a half an hour?
Muscle Beach, half an hour.
I'll see you there, or I'll see you on another time.
That was very confusing. I don't know if you're gonna come or not.
No, I'll be there. I'll be there.
All right. I'll see you then, buddy.
All right. Laters on the menjay.
What did I just say?
He's a cross between a beagle and a pug. The most beautiful dog in the world.
Oh, he's cute. What's his name?
Anwar Sadat.
After Anwar Sadat, former president of Egypt.
Right. Because you're a fan of his policies...?
No, because they look exactly alike.
Hey, so how's Ferrigno coming? You got any offers yet?
Not yet, no.
Guy that I work with, Tevin Downey,
he wants to share the listing with me.
And split the commission?
What about the land you told me you wanted to buy?
It would put a delay on that,
but I got to sell the place, you know?
Tevin's a total cheeseball, but he markets himself like crazy.
He's on bus bench ads all over town.
He says the place is out of my league.
Hey, that is ***. All right?
That open house was understated, it was classy and elegant.
I've been to a million of them and nobody puts out rosemary flatbread Paninis.
Now hold on, my dog needs to ***.
I'm trying to sell the place, believe me, but...
Hey, no, Pete. "Trying" is having the intention to fail.
You got to scrap that word from your vocab.
Say you're gonna do it and you will.
Come on, buddy. Good boy.
You need a plastic bag or...?
Oh, no, I don't clean up after my dog.
Dog poop is like a compost.
It's got a ton of nutrients that enrich the soil.
But we're on pavement.
*** it! How about cleaning up after your dog!?
You mind your own fuckhole!
- [screaming] - What the ***?!
Psycho.
- What was that? - I'm a man, Peter.
I've got an ocean of testosterone flowing through my veins.
Society tells us to act civilized,
but we're animals and sometimes you got to let it out. Try it.
I'm not going to start screaming in the middle of the Venice Boardwalk.
Come with me.
- [Peter] This is silly. - [Sydney] Indulge me.
- Ah! - That was really good.
Now gently remove your *** and try again.
Bah! Ah!
- Respect the process. - Ah!
- Why mock the process? - It doesn't do anything.
If you don't yell, I'll punch you in your stomach.
[screaming]
That was really good, man. That was terrifying.
You just scared my dog.
[screaming]
[muffled screaming]
- You feel better? - Yeah.
- Wanna get a corn dog? - Yeah!
- Let's go. - Ah!
[♪ Vampire Weekend: Campus]
...the span of this, like, I don't know, 30 pages. It's insane. It's crazy.
I know. I read it in college and I loved it.
Oh, what a great house.
Thanks, man. Yeah, come check out the back.
Yeah.
- This is a bumper car I got on eBay. - Wow.
I was in a bidding war with CarnivalKid 32,
so I had to go on the "Buy It Now" price, but I got it.
- Coolness. - You remember Marlena.
- Hey, "Lenish." - Now let's check out the pièce de résistance, ***.
I want to do it. Oh, separate garage.
- Mr. Klaven. - Very nice.
Welcome to the Temple of Doom.
Holy ***, Sydney. This place is insane.
- Holy ***. Oh, my God. - Thanks, man. I try.
- This is amazing. - Thank you, sir.
- You got some TVS. - I do, I do.
Fotografas.
- Beer? - I'll snake a brew.
- Put on some tunes. - Is that you?
Yeah. Yeah, that's me in ninth grade, man.
- Are you that little kid? - Yeah, I was a late bloomer.
- "Wrecking Crew." - Come and take a load off, bud.
- Oh, man. - Pop a squizz nut.
- What's going on over there? - Oh. This is where I jerk off.
And, uh...
...the condoms?
- I wear them when I ***. - Are you kidding me?
I always get this reaction,
but the fact is they decrease sensitivity so I can last longer.
And there's no sticky mess to clean up.
Huh.
And when your divorcées come over, you put them away?
Pete, this is the man cave.
There's no women allowed in here.
I got a *** station, for God's sakes.
Sit down, man.
When your guy friends come over? Aren't you embarrassed?
*** is a part of life, Pete.
Dudes ***. So do chicks.
You never talked about *** with your friends?
- No, I haven't. - All right.
When was the last time you did it, Pete?
I'm not going to tell you that.
Listen, you think of this place as a Cone of Silence, all right?
I won't tell anybody any of the things you say in here. You have my word.
Zooey went to the Pasadena flea market with her friends last weekend,
- and I did it then. - Well, that sounds lovely.
- [laughs] - What'd you use? Internet or DVD?
- How do you get me to tell you these things? - Come on.
I used a picture of Zooey in a bikini
that I took when we were on vacation in Cabo San Lucas.
Wait, you jacked off to a picture of your own girlfriend?
You... That... Wow. That is sick.
Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?
- What's wrong with that? - So much wrong with that.
- I don't even know where to begin. - [PDA chimes]
- That is sick, man. - Someone's ears were burning.
Heard you say you jacked off to her picture, sicko.
Hey, babe.
Good. Yeah, I'm at Sydney's. We're just chillaxing.
We're in the chill station.
Yeah, I'm kind of playing hooky from work.
No, I'll see you at home later on.
Love you, too. Bye-bye.
Hey, why'd you tell her you bailed from work?
I didn't want to lie to her.
You're one of the most honest people I met. You can understand that.
I never lie to women,
but there are some things I choose not to share with them.
Well, I don't really see the distinction.
Really? So you've told Zooey that you jacked off to her picture last weekend?
Well, no, but...
You shared that information with me, didn't you?
So there are dividing lines. That's all I'm trying to say.
I love to take a girl out to dinner, but I'm not gonna go golf 18 holes with her.
Zooey and I played golf together a couple of months ago. It was really fun.
Sounds like a *** nightmare.
- What do you play? - I play a little bit of everything,
but if I had to narrow it down to one, I guess I'd say I'm an axman.
- Oh, sweet. Guitar. - What about you? You play anything?
I used to slap the bass in high school jazz band.
- All right. - Rush. I love Rush.
Dude, Rush is the greatest band of all time.
Yeah, no, how about of all time?
- All time. - You know what? We should jam together sometime, man.
Yeah. Totally. Totes McGotes.
Cool.
Well, you know what, I should probably hit it to it.
All right, yeah. I got to get to bed early, anyway.
I'm doing a big day hike with my buddies in Malibu tomorrow.
Hey, thanks a lot. It was a good hang.
- Yeah. - Sweet, sweet hanging.
- Well, adios, Pistol. - Take it easy, City Slicker.
- I'm sorry. - What?
I called you "City Slicker."
- That sucks. - No, it was pretty close.
It's a lame nickname.
It was good. It was better than "Joban."
Oh, yeah, right. I'll get it. I'll get a better one.
- Dude, it was fine. - I'm going to get you, sucka.
Get out of here. Get out of here.
Later on, my machi...
[woman] Peter, I have Lou Ferrigno for you on line three.
Put him through.
Mr. Ferrigno. Hey, it's Peter Klaven.
[Lou] Peter, what the hell's going on?
If you go past the first area to the left, he's right there.
- Sure. What's your name? - Leanne.
Leanne. That was my mother's name.
- Really? - I don't know. Was it?
Peter, it's been on the market for three weeks, and we haven't gotten one offer.
That's why we're having another open house this weekend.
Hello, mystery woman.
I think it was very beneficial, very beneficial.
Beneficial? So you're telling me we're gonna sell this house?
Absolutely. And I've gotten many nibbles this week.
- Nibbles? - Yes, sir.
It's all about food with you.
No one cares about the stupid sandwiches you put out.
No, sir. No, I absolutely agree with you.
You want to sell a house and not a panini.
- Paninis? Paninis?! - Yes, sir.
- Don't make him angry. - Enough with the cold cuts, the condiments.
You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
What the hell you think this is?
No, I understand. An open house and not a deli.
Peter? Hello? You need to focus.
- Yep. I think... - [growling]
Let people know my house is for sale.
Forget about the sandwiches and focus on selling my *** house.
- Let's do this, OK? - I... Yes, sir.
- Goodbye. - All right, thank you. Bye-bye.
You all right?
- Hulk busting your balls? - Yeah.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, my blood bank's
a few blocks away. I'm AB negative.
It's extremely rare, so I try to donate every couple weeks.
Oh, that's really nice, Sydney.
There's also this nurse there who I want to *** so badly.
Oh, boy, here we go. Should have guessed.
Weren't you supposed to hike with your friends?
Yeah, a couple of them had to bail, but we'll reschedule.
Listen, I got a house full of leftover Koo Koo Roo,
so maybe we could go grab some lunch and squeeze in a little jam session?
Leftover Koo Koo Roo?
Well, that sounds about as appetizing
as a big plate of... of dirt, or something.
I'm kidding.
Yeah. I still want to hang out despite that joke.
- That was a bad joke. - Yeah. You're better than that.
[guitars feeding back]
[playing Tom Sawyer]
♪ A modern-day warrior Mean, mean stride ♪
♪ Today's Tom Sawyer Mean, mean pride ♪
That's it.
- How's that feel? - It feels tasty.
- Yeah? You sound pretty good, buddy. - Thanks, man.
Here we go.
♪ Though his mind is not for rent ♪
♪ Don't put him down as arrogant ♪
♪ His reserve A quiet defense ♪
♪ Riding out the days events ♪
♪ Buh, buh, buh ♪
♪ The river ♪
Whoa!
Wow, that's a good one, bud.
Oh, hey, check out these two.
I call them "bowsers." It's my nickname for people who look just like their dog.
Good boy.
Bowsers? Where'd you come up with that?
- It sounded right. - Ah, ***. Hey, geek!
I just stepped in your dog's ***.
Now I'm gonna make you eat it.
[laughs] Peter, run!
- Yeah! - Take it.
♪ Today's Tom Sawyer He gets high on you ♪
♪ And the space he invades He gets by on you ♪
It's a bit of a throwback. but it comes with the built-ins, it's wired for sound.
This is fun. This is a pair of jeans that he...
This house is exquisite.
I'd like to make an offer.
What do you think, hon?
[guitar solo]
[bass solo]
[Zooey] Yeah, I don't like that. But for the most part...
- [ringing] - Take it.
- Really? - Yeah, take it.
Sydney, what's up, man?
What happened?
What?
Shut up! No.
Did it smell weird? Is it discolored?
[babbling]
[mumbling]
[babbling]
[mumbling]
Shut the *** up!
[Peter] So how long have you guys known Sydney?
- [man] It feels like forever. - Remember that time we tripped acid together
- and he made us watch the news? - That was a remarkable night.
- Dude. Dude. Don't. Dude. - Don't be scared.
- Don't lean! - Stop it. Drive! Drive!
[screaming]
Yeah, Pistol.
- Dude, Peter is on fire. - Sh!
- Booyah! Yeah! - *** me raw!
- That's what I'm talking about. - Sweet lunge, Peter.
- Yeah, Pete. - Suck it, Gil!
I love it!
Marvin Berry.
You remember that new sound you were looking for?
[soloing]
Pete! Ah!
- Are you all right? - My *** ***.
- Hey, you did great today. - I made it to the top. First time.
- Hey, nice meeting you. - Yeah, nice meeting you guys.
- Alrighty, Syd. - Wait, where you going?
Sunday night. Tina's nephews are coming.
We're going to watch Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.
It's just I thought we'd have dinner together so I ordered us a six-foot sub.
[man] I got to bolt. I promised the kids I'd take them to Cheeseria.
- A little pizza action. - I'll just be stuck at home grading papers tonight,
- but thanks anyway. All right? - Fun day, guys.
- Pete? - Oh, man, you know,
on Sunday night Zooey and I usually watch HBO.
Right. Yeah, yeah, of course. Cool.
But I can't let you eat a six-foot sub all by yourself.
- Do you want some? - I had a foot and a half at Sydney's. I'm golden.
So, what do you guys do for, like, seven straight hours?
Whatever. Like, we'll just hang out, you know. Shoot the ***.
Sometimes we jam a little bit.
You play an instrument?
Yeah. I can't believe I've never told you. I play bass.
- Really? - Oh, yeah. I slap the bass big time.
What do you...? What is that? You sound like a leprechaun.
No, that's a reggae guy. I just did reggae.
- Doesn't sound... - It doesn't sound reggae?
Slap the bass. How does it...?
It's like "big time, big time."
Big time. Slap the bass big time.
- Mmm... - Slapa the bass.
- That sounded like Borat. - Yeah.
- Slap the bass. Big time. - That's better. That's better.
We've gotten pretty good at a couple Rush songs.
What do you mean, like, fast-paced rock?
No, like, Rush. Like, the band Rush.
- I don't know them. - The holy triumvirate.
- Wait, you don't know Rush? - No.
- You don't know Rush, the band? - No. Mm-mm.
- "Exit the warrior, today's Tom Sawy"? - No!
All right, I'm going to hit you up with a little iTunes acción.
I cannot believe you've never heard Rush.
So when am I gonna meet this guy who's stolen you away from me?
Soon. I invited him to that engagement party my parents are throwing for us.
Wow, Peter! This is serious.
It's mellow. I wanted to introduce him to Hailey.
Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, I like that.
Let me ask you something.
Are you ready to get your world rocked?
Ready! Yes.
- Are you ready to get your mind blown? - Do it!
- Do you want Neil Peart all up in you? - I don't know.
Well, prepare to be Rushified!
[faint rock music plays]
- Sounds better on big speakers. - I could see that.
- Good, right? - Yeah.
Do you do it that high when you do it?
Well, in real life, I do it low.
- But air bass works best up here. - Right.
- [laughs] - This is exactly what I look like when I jam out, man.
When I jam with my bass.
Slapa the bass, man. I'm slapping the bass, man.
- There you go. - Slapa the bass, man.
- I slapa the bassa. - Please don't do that.
- Slapa the bass. - Please?
Slapa the bass.
- For the sake of our relationship. - Slapa that bass.
Please stop. Please. Please stop!
- Thank you. - I'm slapping the bass.
I'm so glad you're celebrating at my restaurant.
Of course. We wouldn't go anywhere else.
This is my brother, Robbie. Robbie, this is Sydney.
- Hey, Bro Namath. - Nice. Nice to meet you.
Peter, you remember Alan.
- From the gym. - Yeah, hey, man.
- Hi, good to see you again. - I'm Sydney. Nice to meet you.
- It's a pleasure, man. - We're gonna grab some drinks.
- Cool, sweet. - Show them your stuff, fellas.
- Hi. - Hey!
Zooey, this is Sydney.
Sydney, this is my fiancée, Zooey.
I'm so happy to meet you. I've heard so many great things.
Same here. And let me tell you, this guy, he's gaga over you.
- It's adorable. Honestly. - Guilty as charged.
Hailey. Hailey.
Sydney, this is my oldest friend in the world, Hailey.
- Oh, all right. Hi. - I'm good. [laughs]
You didn't ask, but I'm good.
- Nice to meet you, Sydney. - It's a pleasure.
Oh, great. I told you we were early.
Would you shut up? The minute we get in you have to start *** already?
You told me it was a drop-by.
This is not a drop-by. It's a damn engagement party.
- Can I have a Belvedere on the rocks? - You're such an ***.
Something with sour mix in it for her.
I'm sorry they didn't cater this to you and your liking.
Hi, you look beautiful!
- Hello, sweetie. How you doing, baby? - Thanks for coming.
- You guys know each other. - Yeah.
- So... - What do you got there?
Sex on the beach. Yeah.
You never know! Got to be prepared.
The possibility. I'm just saying, you know.
- What is going on over there? - I'll tell you.
- That her date? - I'll give you the lowdown.
Should we, uh...?
What's up?
Hey, I don't remember. Do you play an instrument?
- No. - Because Syd and I, my buddy,
- we've been jamming a lot at his house. - I don't play any instruments.
I slap some bass. And then Sydney's an axman.
Because I was going to say if you wanted to jam with us, you know, that'd be cool.
You have a piano in your house, though, don't you?
- Yeah, I don't play. - Really? Why do you have a piano?
The decorator put it there.
Your dec...? Is he? I thought maybe... No one plays?
- I'm going to go check on the table. - All right.
- Hi. I'm Denise. - Denise.
- I'm Zooey's friend. - I've heard about you.
It smells like a *** pet shop in here.
Mrs. Klaven, the banquet room is ready.
- [Oswald] Who's Mr. Sunshine? - Hi. This is my husband, Barry.
Come on back, everybody. The banquet room is ready.
Well, I'm filling myself up like I need to undo my pants.
It's a lot of protein, but I love it.
[glass clinking]
If I may, I think it's only fitting
that we're eating tonight at Hop Louie's.
This is, after all, Peter's favorite restaurant to bring all of his dates.
So of course he would bring Zooey here their first night out.
- Just like the rest of them. - Ah! Oh...
I remember that night when Peter got home, he called and said:
"Mom, this is the girl I'm going to marry.
Not just because she wanted an extra order of slippery shrimp."
- [laughter] - On the first date?
- Hey, now. - Sometimes.
But the point is, here we are eight months later.
Peter, Zooey...
...we love you...
...and we wish only the best for you both.
- Cheers. - To Peter and Zooey.
- [all] Cheers. - [Peter] Thanks, Mom.
- [Sydney] Cheers, bro. - Thanks.
I promised Denise we'd be gone after appetizers, so...
I'd actually like to just say a few words, if it's cool with the table.
Wow.
[clears throat] What an honor it is to be sitting here
with Peter and Zooey's friends, family,
Hailey, Robbie's lover, Robbie, Oz, Joyce.
Thank you for hosting this beautiful dinner.
You got this guy with the smoking hot wife.
And finally...
...we got Zooey.
Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest,
kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing.
The Pistol is a pleasure-giver, for sure.
Yeah. A *** puke pistol.
And the thing about a man like that, a man like Peter,
is that he never asks for anything in return.
And that's why I'm here.
I'm here as Peter's friend...
...as Peter's confidant...
...just to say to you...
...beautiful Zooey:
Give it back. Yeah?
Return the favor.
And if you do, I guarantee that you will have
a beautiful and pleasure-filled union.
- I don't think she sucks his ***. - Oh, watch your mouth.
With that, I'd like to raise a glass to Pete and Zooey.
Cheers.
- Peter and Zooey. - Cheers.
What the hell did you tell Sydney about me?
Nothing.
I mean, aside from how much I love you.
So, what was with all that "pleasure-giver" stuff?
I don't...
I might have mentioned in passing, or something,
that you don't like doing, um, oral sex.
Ew! Peter, that stuff is private.
Oh, is it? Really? And telling Hailey and Denise
- about the hot tub in Mexico isn't? - That is so different.
- What? How? - I've known them forever.
- So? - Peter, see, Sydney's like a stranger.
Hardly. He's become a really good friend.
Now you know how I feel when there's no privacy
- between you and your girlfriends. - You love them.
I do, I love them,
but some things I want to remain between you and me.
OK. OK.
By the way, it's not that I don't like doing it.
It's just that Rodney just hated getting them.
Wait, what guy hates getting ***?
He had some weird intimacy problems, OK?
By the end of our relationship, he'd literally shiver when I touched him.
But before that, I always liked it.
I liked it.
Great.
That's great.
Perfect. No pressure. It's not like I'm saying:
"Hey, let's go home tonight and get some BJs."
If Sydney hadn't asked me about our sex life, we wouldn't be talking about this.
- That's true. - Yeah.
You're right.
- And Hailey was really into him. - She was?
She liked how honest and direct he was with her.
That's his thing.
- The four of us should go out. - Yeah. That'd be great.
Sweet.
- [Sydney] Have a good Pilates class. - [woman] I will.
[Sydney] Be sure to drink lots of water.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, Pete, let's go out back, yeah?
Yeah.
- She was very nice-looking. - Yeah, I *** her.
[Sydney] I wonder if my pineapple matches your pineapple.
[Peter] Want to check?
Nope. Yours is short and fat and mine is long and skinny.
- Can I talk to you about something? - Yeah, what's up?
Will you put down your treat for a minute?
I feel really horrible about that toast I gave at your engagement dinner.
- Oh. - It was ridonculous.
I was really excited to meet Zooey and your family.
And then I showed up there and I was just... I got so nervous.
- It wasn't so great. - I want you to know I'm really sorry.
Everybody must hate me.
- No. Look, you had good intentions. - I did.
I know one person that didn't hate you.
Was it Benji's wife? She's a hot piece of ***.
- No, Hailey. - Oh, yeah. She was funny.
I think she likes you. We should all go out.
She seems great, but honestly,
within five minutes, she was telling me
how she can't wait to get married and have kids.
She was kidding around.
I made reservations to play golf on Sunday for the four of us.
Pete, I told you, I don't play sports with women.
Man, you told my fiancée that she needs to give me blowies
in front of my whole family. You owe me.
- You make a valid point. - It's golf! It's fun!
I never have a beer until the ninth hole.
Maybe we can change that rule.
- OK. - Keep your head down and fluid.
Great, come on. You got it.
- Oh, my God! - Whoa! Oh!
Zooey, that was a great shot.
Really good. I'm really impressed.
- Ow! - Oh! I'm sorry!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - ***!
Sorry. I'm sorry, Sydney.
***!
*** *** in my *** ***!
God!
- Mary. - You OK, man?
- I'm sorry. - This is my nightmare!
- Whack it up. - Whack it, Hails.
- Beautiful day. - Yeah, it is. It's really nice.
- It's kind of frustrating. - Yeah. My shin hurts.
Didn't realize my skin could bruise quickly.
- You're good. - Guys! You're killing us here.
- Seriously. Get the ladies moving. - Just give me a second.
Rate of play, rate of play, rate of play, rate of play.
You know what? Why don't we just pick it up and move down the fairway.
Because she won't have a chance to practice, right, Peter?
He's got a point. We're really holding these guys up.
You're being an ***. Hailey, take your time.
He's not being an ***. There's a protocol.
- The marshals come by and there is some time pressure. - This sucks. I'm out of here.
Please don't go.
- Where are you going? - Come on. It's OK.
- I'm sorry. Please come back. - Come on.
- Did you say something? - No.
Thank you.
[PDA chimes]
- Hey, man. - Dude Von Dudenstein, what are you doing tonight?
I just left you half an hour ago.
I'm watching HBO with Zooey.
I know, but I just got an e-mail alert from the Rush fan club.
The Holy Trinity is playing a gig tonight at the Avalon.
Dude, it's Sunday night. I can't bail on her again.
Dude, you have your whole life to watch premium cable with Zooey.
Whatever, it's our ritual. It's HBO.
It's not TV, it's HBO.
Have you watched Sunday night on HBO? It's spectacular.
It's *** Rush.
I haven't seen them since the Signals tour.
Can I invite Zooey?
[♪ Rush: Limelight]
♪ Living on a lighted stage approaches the unreal ♪
♪ For those who think and feel ♪
♪ In touch with some reality beyond the gilded cage ♪
Whoo!
- Slapping the bass! - Slapping the bass!
♪ Ill-equipped to act ♪
♪ With insufficient tact ♪
♪ One must put up barriers to keep oneself intact ♪
♪ Living in the limelight The universal dream ♪
♪ For those who wish to seem ♪
♪ Those who wish to be ♪
♪ Must put aside the alienation ♪
♪ Get on with the fascination ♪
♪ The real relation The underlying theme ♪
[muted audio]
Yeah!
♪ Living in a fisheye lens Caught in the camera eye ♪
[Peter singing]
♪ Concert hall Fly by night away from here ♪
My God. We could practice every day for six months,
and I'm planning on it, and we'll still suck. Yeah.
I'll give you a call.
All right. Take it easy, Magooch.
- Were you spying on me? - Yeah, I was.
Because I'm totally weirded out
about what's going on between you two.
We were just going over the set list. What's the big deal?
The big deal is that we were supposed to have a date night,
and you took me to this concert, which is cool.
We get there and it's like I don't exist.
You don't even look at me, you're licking Sydney's bass guitar.
There were tons of guys that were licking each other's basses.
I just feel like I'm losing you a little bit.
What? We were just doing a recap of the set list.
- What? Zooey. - OK.
I was going over the set list.
So the big day's coming up. How are you feeling?
I was feeling really good,
but Zooey and I have been fighting a lot recently.
Let me ask you a question: why are you marrying her?
What kind of question is that?
Well, it seems to me like you've gone from relationship to relationship, so
is Zooey the one, or is she just the next one?
- No, she's the one. - All right, well, how come?
Because.
I don't know. We're in love.
- Mmm? - And, uh...
That's a hard question to answer.
Oh, listen, I'm not trying to push you at all.
It's just, for me, sometimes talking this stuff out helps clarify things. That's all.
Let's go try on some penguin suits.
Thank you, lovely. What's your name?
- Racquel. - That was my mother's name.
So I'm thinking about asking Tevin if he wants in
on the Ferrigno house.
[Sydney] Dude, I pissed on that guy's face at a Bennigan's.
You do not need to be splitting commission with that frosty-haired ***.
I have to face facts, Syd. I'm a flats guy, you know?
Tevin's got the flash needed to sell the place.
- What do you think? - You look *** stiff.
We're shopping for tuxedos for your wedding. Let's have a good time.
Loosen it up a little bit.
I want to take a photo. Give me an action pose.
Like what? What do you mean?
You're wearing a tuxedo. What do you think I mean?
When have you seen anyone in a tuxedo do that move?
- Besides Runaway Bride. - The ESPYs.
You're wearing a tuxedo. Think James Bond. Give me some James Bond.
No. It just looks like you're pointing at me.
- You look ridiculous, man. - What am I suppo...? How can I?
- Think Timothy Dalton. - Oh, T-Dalt.
Oh, hey, that's pretty good.
Give me your best Bond impression.
[accent] Why don't you get off your board
and get out of my dreams and into my car.
You looking for your pot of gold?
Why does everything I do sound like a leprechaun?
You tell me. He speaks like the coolest man on earth.
- The name is Bond. - There you go.
Oh, yeah. The name is James Bond.
- James Bond. - [laughs]
I'll have a margarita.
Well, hey there, Miss Moneypussy.
- Want to jump on my jetpack? - [laughs]
All right. Enough of that. Let's just take the picture.
Arch an eyebrow for me.
Other eyebrow.
No, you just look confused.
Arch your eyebrow up.
- No, not both, just one. - I don't know how...
All right, maybe I was wrong. Let's see the back.
- I'm not in love with the drape. - What's wrong with it?
- Does the vent move funny? - Wear something with more pizzazz, more flash.
- Don't like the split panel? - Peacock it.
- No. Mm-mm. - Let's try, uh...
- Are those checkers? - Here. Give this one a try.
- Gimme a break. - Come on.
I can't fricking pull that off. It's blue.
Look at me. You have this image of yourself
as this straight-laced, tight guy.
But I've seen you cut loose in the man cave and it is fantastic.
Well, yeah. Slap a little bass.
It's the same with the Ferrigno house.
You have all of the skills in the world, and you have no confidence.
Now, sack up, man.
Put on the *** suit.
I can't believe you just touched my balls.
Eh...
[Sydney] I also wanted to talk to you about something.
This investment opportunity has come up. It's a total winner.
The only problem is all my funds are tied up in equities so I'm cash poor right now.
- Uh-huh? - So I was wondering if you would consider
loaning me a few shekels?
[Peter] Uh, how much are we talking about?
You know...
- Eight? - $8,000.
That's a lot of...
That's a lot of quiche, you know?
A lot of cake.
It might be a little tricky just because Zooey's dad is out of the picture.
- We're paying for the wedding ourselves. - Enough said.
An opportunity came up, I thought I would ask. No big deal.
Uh, can you tell me about the investment?
I can't, actually. It's confidential in nature, so...
OK. Let me think about it.
Yeah, of course, buddy.
- Hello, Peter. - Doug!
- This is my, uh... - Sydney.
Sydney. This is Sydney.
It takes a lot of nerve to spend a beautiful evening with someone,
and then never call them again.
Doug, I can explain.
I just wish I could take back that kiss.
- Oh. - Because I felt something that I haven't felt in years,
and now I know... it was the taste of betrayal.
It wasn't the taste of betrayal.
- It was the taste of betrayal. - Wasn't.
It was the taste of betrayal, you *** ***.
- Doug. - Good day.
Doug, wait.
- I can explain what happened. - I would love to hear that.
[Sydney] Wow. I knew when I got the nod for the engagement dinner
you didn't have a ton of friends,
but I had no idea it went that far.
Truth is, I never thought about it until Zooey and I got engaged.
You were basically using me because you needed to fill out your wedding party.
Dude, no. Not it at all.
I'd actually given up on meeting someone,
and then you wandered into that open house, we hit it off
and three quarters of the Rush songbook later, here we are.
- I just wish you'd have told me. - Well, I was embarrassed.
You've had a close group of male friends your whole life. I haven't.
I started feeling like some kind of weirdo.
I get it. But I just want you to know that you're my friend.
And you can tell me anything.
Thanks, Sydney. I appreciate that.
Hey, look, about that investment.
Pete, please. Forget I even brought it up. Honestly.
I've saved my whole life.
You're right: I'm going to sell the Ferrigno place.
***, yeah, you are.
I'd be happy to lend you the money. I know you're good for it.
Pistol, that is great. Thank you.
It's the least I could do for the best man at my wedding.
What are you talking about?
I want you to stand up there with me.
- Are you cool with that? - Am I cool with that?
Of course I'll be your best man! That's an honor!
[laughs]
You're a ***, Peter.
- [Peter] We're almost there. - [Zooey] I think so.
It's just about putting the random people together.
We should talk about the main table.
Because if Hailey doesn't find a date before the wedding,
which, let's be honest, it seems pretty likely that she won't...
- I know. - ...we have an extra seat at our table.
I was thinking that maybe Sydney would sit at our table.
I asked him to be my best man.
Great! That's awesome. That was the whole thing.
I'm not an idiot. You're not psyched about this at all.
No, it's just... I feel like he has some issue with me.
What? No. You guys just haven't spent any time together.
- We've spent some time together. - I'll talk to him.
Do not talk to him. He'll think I'm saying stuff behind his back.
You are.
No. I'm just sharing a feeling with you.
- And I want you to. - But, Peter, please don't say anything to him.
OK, I won't.
So we still have to pick up the marriage license.
- Can you meet up tomorrow afternoon? - Totally, yeah. Perfect.
So, what'd she say about me being your best man?
Oh, she was pumped. She thought it was awesome.
- Come on, dude. - I'm the worst liar.
I promised her I wouldn't say anything.
Well, what is it?
She thinks you don't like her.
What? No, of course I like her.
We've only hung out a few times,
but she's gonna be your wife. Of course I like her.
This dumb toast is gonna haunt me forever.
- Oh, man! - [indistinct chatter]
[Sydney] Dude, why is Ferrigno eating with that urinal cake-faced ***?!
Oh, we got to confront him. Hold this.
No, wait. Sydney, wait, wait. Wait. Sydney!
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What the *** is going on here?
- Do I know you? - No. You don't know me.
But you know my friend Peter Klaven,
who has an exclusive listing on this man's property.
You promised Peter the commission to your house.
I know, but he's not doing *** with it.
That is total crap, Hulk, all right?!
This kind of stuff doesn't happen overnight.
Who the hell is this guy?
Hulk, let me tell you about Peter.
Get your hand out of my face,
and stop calling me "Hulk." I'm a person, OK?
- "I'm a person, OK?" - I warned you.
Oh, you warned me?
I'm on my way to the marriage bureau.
- [Sydney] *** you, Lou! - Is that Sydney?
- Hey! - *** you, Hulk!
Oh, ***.
- What are you doing? - What's going on?
[Peter] Sydney's fighting Ferrigno.
[Sydney] Peter! He's so strong!
- Easy. Don't fight it. - The Hulk has me in a sleeper hold.
- I don't think I can take... - Easy. That's it.
[Zooey] Peter!
- Wow. - Peter!
Why would anyone get in a fight with Lou Ferrigno?
Sydney's a hothead. He thought he was standing up for me.
- To The Incredible Hulk? - No, that's just a character he played.
In real life, Lou's actually a sweet man.
So, what does that mean for your development property?
It means it's over.
Without the Ferrigno commission I won't be able to afford it.
You have money saved up. Can't you just write them a check to show your good faith?
Between the wedding, and then...
I lent Sydney some money...
I'm going to be short. That's it.
[Zooey] Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- You lent Sydney money? - For an investment.
All his money's tied up in equities. He'll pay me back.
That's not the point. We're getting married.
You can't keep stuff like this from me.
Can I ask you a question?
Why do you think we're getting married?
[laughs] What are you talking about?
Sydney asked me that question, and I couldn't...
"Well, why Zooey?" And I didn't know how to answer it.
Are you kidding? You're kidding, right?
- Yes. - Two weeks before our wedding,
and you don't know why you're marrying me?
Just forget it. It was a stupid question.
I don't even know what I was thinking.
Take it back ten seconds before I asked it, and let's live in that time.
The thing is, Peter, I get why you would wonder that. I do.
But I wish you would have answered the question before you proposed to me.
That's the thing. Before, I didn't even think about it.
That came out bad too. I didn't... I'm so...
I'm confused. Don't know what I'm saying.
Let me make this a little simpler for you.
I'm gonna go stay with Denise and Barry.
And you and your bud Sydney can hang out and beat up Lou Ferrigno
and go to Rush concerts and ride a tandem bicycle
down the Venice Boardwalk for all I care.
- We never rode bicycles. - Goodbye!
Zooey, come on! This is ridiculous! Zooey!
- Zooey! - [door slams]
[honking]
[♪ Matt Costa: Mr. Pitiful]
♪ Oh, Mr. Pitiful Who let you down? ♪
♪ Who let you down? Who let you down? ♪
♪ You still don't believe You don't believe ♪
- Oh, my God! - ♪ Your grievances show ♪
♪ When your soap box unfolds ♪
- Oh... my God! - ♪ From that cloud ♪
All right, he put up some billboards.
Put up some billboards.
Oh, my God! No!
Aw, God! No!
Oh, *** me over. *** *** ***!
Are you kidding me?
Come on!
- [knock on door] - Yeah, it's open.
- Hey. - That's what you borrowed $8,000 for?
You saw the billboards. Pretty awesome, right?
- Pretty awesome? - My buddy Dave sells ad space.
- We got us a great deal. - Pretty awesome? They're idiotic.
You put my face on a ten-foot *** over Santa Monica Boulevard.
- Yeah. It's hilarious. - Well, in one day you managed to screw my career,
- you ruined my relationship... - Ruined your relationship?
Zooey walked out on me because I asked her why we were getting married.
Why would you ask her that?
Pete, that conversation was between you and me.
You can't have that talk with her.
Look, I assumed you understood that.
God, I am so sick of your ridiculous rules.
I like it that I can share things with Zooey.
I like it that if I can't sleep at night, she's there to talk to.
Do you know the best night I've had in the last five years
is the night Zooey and I split a bottle of wine, made a summer salad
- and watched Chocolat together. - You mean Chocolate?
- Chocolat. - Chocolate, with Johnny Depp.
- Chocolat. - You're not French. It's Chocolate.
- "Chocolate's" got an "e." Your favorite night. - Yes.
Your best night is watching Chocolate with Johnny Depp?
The combination of wine and summer salad and Chocolat, yeah.
- You should be embarrassed. - You're threatened by what Zooey and I have.
You're afraid I won't be able to hang out.
Hey, I have a ton of friends, all right?
Yeah, who are all moving on with their lives.
They're in relationships.
They have kids. They're growing up.
Let's not forget, you were the one using me.
- I think we were using each other. - Whatever.
I really don't understand what's going on right now.
I think we should spend some time apart.
OK.
So if I do wind up having a wedding,
it's probably best that you, uh, not be there.
Yeah. Sounds good to me, Pete.
If you could have those billboards taken down...
Yeah. It'll take a few days, but I'll get on that.
And I'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible.
Also, I think you have my season 2 Lost DVDs. If you...
If you haven't watched them yet, keep...
It's fine, Pete, they're right here.
- Thanks. - Yep.
It's just Zooey hasn't seen them all yet,
so she's really curious as to what was going on inside that hatch.
Yep.
I wish you the best of luck, Peter.
You too, Sydney.
- Bye, Anwar. - [barks]
[knock on door]
Hey, Denise. Sorry to bother you.
- It's... I'll go get Zooey. - Thank you.
It's OK.
- Hey, Barry. - Poker night.
- Full table. - Oh, that's OK.
I'm here to talk to my fiancée.
Nice face.
- Thank you. - On the billboards.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Yeah, my friend Sydney, he...
Yeah, I give a ***.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Can I talk to you outside? - Yeah.
- "License to sell." - Yeah.
That's what Sydney borrowed all that money for.
He thought it would help my career.
Well, it got your name out there.
Besides, you look pretty cute with a thick moustache.
Zooey, I'm so sorry that I asked you why you thought we should get married.
It's just that I've been talking about this stuff with Sydney and it made me nervous.
Peter, I'm nervous too, OK? It's a big deal.
I couldn't believe how sure you seemed about the whole thing,
which is why I freaked out when you suddenly started questioning it.
Well, I'm sure about us, for so many reasons.
Truth is, I've been a girlfriend guy.
Out of all those, you're the one that wanted me to have my own life.
You know? You want me to have friends for me, not you.
It's, like, one of the most romantic things I could ever think of.
[belches] What's up?
Dude, come on.
Zooey, I love you,
and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Can we get this engagement back on track?
- OK. - Please?
Yes. Yes.
Whoa. Oh, come on, it's poker night.
- So? - So take her out for a cup of coffee.
No. Why don't you take the boys to *** Starbucks and play poker?
Because it's poker night here. It's always poker night here.
That's my best friend. I'm not leaving her. How about that?
She can stay here for five years if she wants to.
You're dressing up like a cheerleader tonight for me.
Fine. Get the *** out of here.
Hey, Zooey, you can stay here as long as you want. You are always welcome.
- Thank you. - Uh-huh. OK? By the way, Peter,
there's plenty of room open on the poker table.
They were lying. They'd love to have you play.
- I'm not going to. - OK.
Oh, my God. Barry and Denise fight all the time.
Then they have loud, intense makeup sex. Please get me out of here.
Let's get your stuff. Come on.
By the way, I ended things with Sydney.
Peter, really? I hope that's not because of me.
No, no. He can be a great guy.
It's just... It wasn't really working out.
[♪ Ray LaMontagne: You Are the Best Thing]
Then you process your purchase.
Oh, that sounds riveting.
I just stepped in your dog's crap, ***!
Aren't you going to pick up your dog's ***, *** giant?!
Pick up your *** like a man!
Nice scarf, dickwad!
OK, what should be our last song?
Into the Mystic.
That's perfect. That is perfect.
OK, so we have to go through the place cards one more time
because I'm a little bit...
Why don't you just call him?
Because...
...guys don't do that.
E. Ethan. What's up, my man?
EBone Capone.
I'm just hanging out, man.
Wanted to see if you wanted to come over and watch TV.
Again you're gonna watch The Wonder Emporium?
Dude, what the *** is there to do at Legoland
that you take these kids there every weekend?
I understand that it's not the point of teaching,
but just give them all B pluses.
Could I come with you?
What do you mean, the kids think I'm creepy?
- Good to see you, Peter. - You too, Mel.
You know, I haven't had a real friend since my wife passed.
I'm really glad you called.
Hey, do you have any plans on June 30th?
I'm 89 years old. What the *** kind of plans would I have?
Just needed an adjustment. I hope it'll be better now.
[woman] My mother knew Roux's return had nothing to do with a silly old door.
So did I.
Stupid.
[Roux] My favorite, hot chocolate.
[woman] How may I direct your call?
- Hey, Leanne. - Peter. Where have you been?
It's my wedding this weekend,
so I've been helping my fiancée with all the last-minute preparations.
- They broke the mold when they made you. - Yeah.
Go check your voice mail. You got a million messages.
[man] Yeah, is this Pistol Pete?
I have a home in Los Feliz I've been trying to sell, I saw your billboards.
I'm very impressed with your ads.
[man 2] "License to sell"?
Hysterical! It's like James Bond.
[man 3] I'm interested in the Ferrigno estate.
Oh, my God.
[woman] I love the one with you in the bed. My number is 310...
- [woman] My husband and I saw... - Slow down.
[Doug] Hello, Peter. It's Doug.
Saw the billboards. They are wonderful.
Wouldn't expect anything less from you.
And sorry about calling you a ***.
Hello to Sydney, f you guys are still together.
Otherwise, you can Facebook me.
[Lou] Peter, hi. It's Lou Ferrigno.
Wonderful billboards.
Listen, I'm sorry if I ever doubted you, man.
I told that ***, Tevin,
I want you to have the exclusive back on my house.
- Excuse me, Mr. Ferrigno? Ten-minute warning. - Thank you.
So just call me or just text me.
Goodbye, my friend.
- There's my dog! - Ah!
Me rikey the billboards.
I completely underestimated you, my brother.
What say we go to Houston's, get a burger and a beer
and talk about how we can tagteam the Ferrigno deal?
Ow! Why are you slapping me?
Because I wanted to cause you physical pain.
But I have never actually hit anybody in the face, it freaks me out.
I didn't know what to do.
Tevin, stay the *** away from my listing.
- Hey, Carolyn. - Hey, Pete.
Good luck, Peter.
I'm so excited to see who Peter chose for his wedding party.
Yeah. Yeah.
[rock music plays]
That has to be the most random collection of groomsmen in the history of weddings.
I'm great. You know, I just got to...
I'll see you at the wedding.
I'm gonna get another mimosa.
Do you want to finish the one?
- [rock music plays] - Hello?
Hey. Wow, I didn't expect to hear from you.
Oh, no, I wouldn't want to impose.
Yeah. Maybe if I hurry I can make the end of it.
Got to go. I got to find something to wear.
[playing classical music]
Which one of these men has the ring?
I actually don't have a best man.
So, uh...
Robbie.
I want you to hold the ring for me.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
OK.
Unless you don't want to. I mean...
Thanks, Peter.
Sweet.
I want you boys to know, you're both my best friends.
And Hank Mardukas.
[Peter] Hey, Hank.
- Awesome tux. - Oh, thanks. It's blue.
- Yes, it is. - You look amazing.
Thank you.
Good afternoon.
We are gathered here today
to join Peter Klaven and Zooey Rice in matrimony.
If anyone can show just cause why they may not marry...
- You son of a ***! - No, no, Mr. Ferrigno, I don't want to object.
I just wanted to make it in time for the vows. That's all.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Sydney, come up.
Oh, no, I'm fine back here.
- Please, yes. - Are you sure?
I hope you don't mind.
You invited him?
I saw you walking on the lawn looking all sad
and I realized I couldn't let you get married without your best man.
- I love you so much. - I love you, too.
Zooey, thanks so much for inviting me.
Of course. You got here really fast.
Yeah. You know what, I was on the Vesp,
so I just did the old weaveroo.
Dude, you're lying. Your voice went up when you said that.
[cracking] His voice got high.
Look, I was on my way when Zooey called.
Invite or not, I wasn't going to miss your wedding.
And I wanted to give you this.
- You don't have to do this. - I know you don't believe me,
but I'm actually a pretty successful investor.
The billboards were my wedding gift to you guys.
- Man, they worked. - I figured when I saw the Ferrigs
- that they must have worked. - Lou's the best.
I can only imagine.
I put him in a sleeper hold.
Out.
I'm really sorry for all the stuff I said.
You called me on a lot of my issues. I appreciate it.
And for the record...
...I saw Chocolat.
- Just delightful. - It is, right?
- I love Chocolat. - I love that movie.
Chocolat? What the *** is that?
I have no idea.
It's a beautiful movie.
I'm really glad you're here, Sydney.
Me too.
I can't imagine getting married without you.
I love you, man.
I love you too, bud.
I love you, dude.
I love you, Bro Montana.
I love you, holmes.
I love you, Broseph Goebbels.
Love you, muchacha.
I love you, Tycho Brohe.
OK, OK. Right. Let's continue here.
- I so want to marry you. - [laughs] You will.
I'm going to.
Zooey, repeat after me: I, Zooey Rice...
- I, Zooey Rice... - ...take you, Peter Klaven...
...take you, Peter Klaven...
...to be my lawfully wedded husband.
...to be my lawfully wedded husband.
[soft rock plays]
[♪ The Bonedaddys: Waterslide]
♪ Can we share some vindaloo sleeping bags and shampoo ♪
♪ Until all the planets collide ♪
♪ You can play the wild card Bury your bones in my yard ♪
♪ Meet me at the waterslide ♪
♪ Waterslide ♪
♪ Waterslide ♪
♪ Waterslide ♪
♪ Waterslide ♪
♪ Spinning backwards Riding down ♪
♪ Slide ♪
♪ Waterslide ♪♪
[singing in Spanish]
- [playing Limelight] - Oh!
[cheering]
♪ Living on a lighted stage approaches the unreal ♪
♪ For those who think and feel ♪
I'm really sorry about that dumb toast I gave.
It was out of line. I got nervous to meet you.
I don't know what happened. I'm sorry.
Sydney, it's fine. Thank you, that's very sweet of you.
For the record, I like giving ***.
That's good to hear. I was just looking out for my buddy.
- I hear you. - I had to make sure he's getting blowies regularly.
- I'm uncomfortable with this conversation. - Honey.
- We're friends. - Friends do this.
No, they don't.
♪ All the world's indeed a stage ♪
[squeaking] ♪ And we are merely players ♪
- You have a nice singing voice. - Thanks.
- You in a band? - Not yet.
- Hailey. - Lonnie.
- Hi. - Hi.
Whoo! That's awesome!
- [screams] - That's awesome!
Excuse me, Peter.
Get my wife on up here!
You've been Rushified!
You've never called me an ***?
I've said you act like an ***.
- You get away with it... - That's your behavior.
I'm not saying you're an ***.
- Oh, my God. - ***.
Do I have a *** sign on me?
- No, it's not my fault. - How is it not your fault?
Because I'm pregnant.
I love you so much. I love you so much.
- Are you still mad? - Try to make it a boy.
- [singing indistinctly] - [song ends]
[cheering]
- Whoo! - [Sydney] Thank you.
- I'd like to make a toast. - No!
[soft rock plays]