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HI.
HI.
LOOK AT THIS. EVERY YEAR DURING A HEAT WAVE,
SOMEBODY ALWAYS FRIES AN EGG ON THE SIDEWALK.
THEN THEY PRINT A PICTURE OF IT IN THE NEWSPAPER.
THIS IS THE EGG.
THEN WHAT IS THIS?
OH, YEAH. I HEARD ABOUT THAT ON THE NEWS.
HOW CAN ANYBODY THINK SKYDIVING IS A SAFE SPORT?
HI, GANG. HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW HE NEVER SWEATS?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I THINK EVERYBODY SWEATS.
EXCEPT SNAKES.
I READ THAT.
WHERE?
AT THE DENTIST.
HI, GANG. HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HEARD THAT TODAY?
YOU WANT A LICK?
PASS.
HARRY, HAVE YOU GOT ANY PANTS ON?
NO. THE RADIO SAID IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET DOWN TO THE HIGH 80s,
AND THE HUMIDITY--
HARRY, YOU REALLY DON'T?
NO. HERE. LOOK.
AAH!
SHORTS.
WITH KNEE-HIGH BLACK SOCKS, THEY'LL NEVER KNOW.
AHA, HERE'S THE GUY WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
HEY, ART, WHAT'S GOING ON?
HOW COME NO AIR CONDITIONING?
YEAH. IT'S 20 DEGREES HOTTER IN HERE THAN IT IS OUTSIDE.
WHAT IS THIS? I DON'T GET "HELLO."
I DON'T GET A "HOW ARE YOU? "
I GET COMPLAINTS. YOU PEOPLE CRACK ME UP.
HELLO, ART. HOW ARE YOU?
FINE, THANKS. YOURSELF?
NOT BAD. JUST A LITTLE HEATSTROKE.
WHY NOT FIX THE AIR CONDITIONING, ART?
NOTHING TO FIX. THE A.C. IS FINE.
I JUST TURNED IT OFF.
WHAT?
HEY, RULES IS RULES.
I GOT A MEMO RIGHT HERE FROM THE MAYOR HIMSELF.
HE SAYS "WE GOT TO LESSEN THE BURDEN
ON OUR ALREADY OVERTAXED ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS."
SO TO PREVENT A POWER FAILURE...
I'M TAKING OUT THE LIGHT BULBS. RIGHT.
Art: HEY, WHAT THE...
HEY, YO, UNPLUG THAT PUPPY RIGHT NOW.
THE RESPONSIBILITY IS AWESOME.
Harry: THE COURT FINES THE DEFENDANT $50.
(BANGING)
NEXT CASE, YOUR HONOR.
ART!
YO!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M TAPPING THE WALL.
I CAN HEAR THAT. WHY?
I GOT TO BE PREPARED FOR A BROWNOUT
WITH THE EMERGENCY GENERATOR ON THIS FLOOR,
SO I GOT TO FIND A WALL RECEPTACLE.
OH.
I'LL RIP THIS PLACE APART IF I HAVE TO.
JUST DO IT QUIETLY, HUH, ART?
YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW I'M HERE. I SWEAR.
NEXT CASE, MISS WAGNER.
STATE VS. YAKOV KOROLENKO, YOUR HONOR,
POSSESSION OF STOLEN MATERIALS WITH INTENT TO SELL.
WATCHES.
HMM. UH, YAKOV KOROLENKO.
HELLO, JOE.
MIGHT WE HAVE A LANGUAGE PROBLEM HERE?
WE DEFINITELY MIGHT, YOUR HONOR.
MY CLIENT SPEAKS ONLY A FEW WORDS OF ENGLISH, AND SO FAR,
WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND A RUSSIAN INTERPRETER.
BUT WE ARE WORKING ON IT.
YES, SIR.
I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY THAT SPEAKS RUSSIAN.
DO YOU SPEAK RUSSIAN?
NO, BUT I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.
THANKS. WE'LL MANAGE.
I'M JUST GOING TO RUN DOWN AND GET SOME FLEX CABLE.
HAVE A BALL.
WELL, CONSIDERING THE FACTS, I SUPPOSE THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO
BUT CONTINUE THE CASE UNTIL WE'VE HAD A CHANCE
TO FIND AN INTERPRETER FOR MR. KOROLENKO.
WELL, YOUR HONOR, MAY I REQUEST
THAT MY CLIENT BE RELEASED ON BAIL UNTIL THAT TIME?
MR. PROSECUTOR?
I'M AFRAID THE PEOPLE CAN'T AGREE, YOUR HONOR.
AS OF YET, WE DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS...
OR WHAT HE IS.
GO YANKEES!
LOU PINIELLA.
I REST MY CASE.
I'M AFRAID THE COURT MUST AGREE, MISS WILLIAMS.
UNTIL WE CAN BE SURE OF THE DEFENDANT'S REPUTATION AND RESPONSIBILITY,
I THINK THE PRUDENT COURSE TO TAKE IS CLEAR. MR. KOROLENKO.
YAKOV.
RIGHT.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
...YAKOV...YAK.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
...YAKI.
(LAUGHING)
YAKI, UH, YES. MR. KOROLENKO,
I KNOW YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD I'M SAYING,
BUT IT APPEARS THAT YOU MAY HAVE BROKEN THE LAW.
29.95.
UNDOUBTEDLY A FAIR PRICE, BUT THAT IS NOT THE QUESTION BEFORE US.
I WANT YOU TO RECEIVE A FAIR TRIAL.
WE DO NOT WANT TO SEND AN INNOCENT MAN TO JAIL.
JAIL? NO JAIL. NO! NO JAIL!
I THINK WE FOUND ANOTHER WORD HE KNOWS.
NO JAIL.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
LOOK AT HIM, YOUR HONOR. HE'S SCARED.
OF COURSE HE'S SCARED, MISS WILLIAMS.
I'M SURE HIS CONCEPT OF JAIL
INCLUDES VISIONS OF MIDNIGHT RAIDS, SECRET POLICE, TORTURE.
TORTURE?
NO! NO TORTURE! NO!
QUITE A LITTLE VOCABULARY HE HAS THERE.
(***)
ART!
YO!
IS THAT GASOLINE?
YEAH.
WELL, WHAT'S IT FOR?
IT'S FOR THE GENERATOR.
I FIGURED I'D SAVE MYSELF A TRIP,
ESPECIALLY SINCE I SHUT THE ELEVATOR DOWN FOR THE NIGHT.
WE'RE ON THE 18th FLOOR!
WOMEN JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND POWER CONSUMPTION, DO THEY?
I'M GOING TO PUT THESE OVER HERE, OK?
QUIETLY, PLEASE.
(***)
MISS WILLIAMS, I'M AFRAID THERE'S NOTHING MORE I CAN DO NOW
BUT HAVE MR. KOROLENKO WAIT IN THE HOLDING PEN.
HOLDING PEN?
IT'S LIKE A LITTLE JAIL.
JAIL? NO!
BULL.
NO JAIL! NO!
OK. COME ON, YOU.
OH, NO!
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
HEY, PUT A LID ON IT, WILL YOU?
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
BULL, HE DOES NOT SPEAK ENGLISH.
(SLOWLY) LISTEN, YOU.
I AM GOING TO TAKE YOU IN THERE,
SO JUST CUT THE CHATTER.
OH, NO! OH!
THAT POOR MAN. HE'S SO TERRIFIED.
WELL, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT HE COMES FROM A SYSTEM
WHERE ANYONE CAN BE ARRESTED ON THE STREET,
AND, WITHOUT VALID EXPLANATION,
BE PUT BEHIND BARS FOR AN INDEFINITE AMOUNT OF TIME WITHOUT A TRIAL...
KIND OF LIKE WE JUST DID.
NO! NO JAIL! NO! NO!
Bull: GRAB THAT GUY!
Harry: MR. KOROLENKO!
NO!
YAKOV!
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
YAKOV.
HARRY, BE CAREFUL.
YAKOV, I KNOW THINGS SEEM DESPERATE RIGHT NOW,
BUT BELIEVE ME, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
DON'T DO ANYTHING FOOLISH.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
OK. DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE FOOLISH.
ALL RIGHT, YAKOV, TAKE IT EASY.
EVERYONE, TAKE IT EASY.
WE CAN WORK THIS THING OUT.
THERE IS NO DANGER HERE.
NO DANGER? DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.
THIS OLD BUILDING'S LIKE A TINDERBOX.
ART!
ONE WRONG FLICK OF THAT BIC
AND, BOOM, WE'RE HISTORY.
PLEASE!
EVER SEEN ANY FILM ON THE HINDENBURG?
ART! NOT NOW!
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
YAKOV, RELAX. TAKE IT EASY.
DON'T GO BURSTING INTO FLAMES ON ME, NOW, OK?
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
HE WANTS TO LEAVE.
DA SVIDANIYA.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
...NO ***-***.
YOU HEARD HIM. GET OUT.
PUT THE ***-BANGS AWAY AND GET OUT.
BULL, CLEAR THE COURTROOM.
OK. EVERYBODY OUT.
I WANT TO SEE THOSE LEGS PUMPING, PEOPLE.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
WE'RE JUST LETTING THE INNOCENT PEOPLE GO, YAKOV.
JUST STAY CALM AND BE COOL.
YOU GOT TO ADMIT, THE KID IS COOL IN A CRISIS.
NO!
Harry: YAKOV...
OK. THAT'S ENOUGH WITH THE LIGHTER, ALREADY.
THIS WHOLE PLACE COULD BECOME A BLAZING INFERNO.
THIS IS TURNING INTO A MAINTENANCE MAN'S NIGHTMARE.
ALL RIGHT. EVERYONE, CLEAR OUT OF HERE.
HARRY, WE ARE NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU HERE ALONE.
I REALLY DON'T THINK THIS IS THE TIME
TO QUESTION THE JUDGE'S AUTHORITY.
I'M NOT LEAVING EITHER.
WILL YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELVES, PEOPLE?
LIZ!
THIS IS MY CLIENT, AND I'M STAYING.
WHAT WE HAVE HERE
IS A FRIGHTENED, LONELY, CONFUSED HUMAN BEING,
A STRANGER IN OUR LAND ALONE IN HIS MISERY,
AND I, FOR ONE, WILL NOT DESERT HIM
IN THIS--THIS DESPERATE TIME OF NEED. YAKOV...
ELIZABETH IS HERE UNTIL THE END.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
...CUCKOO?
LIZ, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
MY CLIENT. I'M STAYING.
MY COURTROOM. YOU'RE GONE.
BULL, THE KEY.
NYET!
NYET! NYET!
DAN, HE WANTS YOU TO DO IT.
ME? WHY?
WELL, PERHAPS HE FEELS YOU'RE LESS THREATENING.
WHY?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE ANY FOOLISH MOVES TOWARD HIM
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?
I'M 6'4". I DON'T HAVE TO FLAUNT IT.
DAN.
GIVE ME THE KEY.
KEEP ROLLING US ON THE GROUND UNTIL THE FLAMES ARE OUT.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
THERE. THERE. THERE. HAPPY?
TONY CURTIS, SIDNEY POITIER.
WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE?
HARRY, HE'S TAKING THEM HOSTAGE.
HOSTAGE? NO.
NO HOSTAGE. YAKOV.
NO AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
OH, BOY.
THOSE PSYCHOTIC HEADACHES--
LITTLE VOICES TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO,
STABBING PAINS IN THE TEMPLES.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
VAMOOSE, BUCKAROOS.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
THIS STUFF ALWAYS HAPPENS RIGHT AFTER YOU FINISH BUFFING THE FLOORS.
I CAN HEAR THE GASOLINE JUST EATING THE WAX AWAY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, NO QUESTIONS. EVERYONE, GET OUT.
THE KEY?
DO YOU WANT TO SEARCH HIM?
Art: I'LL GET YOU OUT OF THOSE BRACELETS IN A JIFFY. COME ON.
I GOT A POWER SAW DOWNSTAIRS.
Liz: NO POWER SAW.
THE ENERGY CRISIS-- WHAT AM I THINKING ABOUT?
HARRY, IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SPEED UP THAT SEARCH FOR AN INTERPRETER.
YOU GOT IT.
SELMA, BULL, NO ONE COMES IN HERE WITHOUT MY SAY-SO.
RIGHT. COME ON, SELMA.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY.
I HAVEN'T HAD A CIGARETTE IN A HALF-HOUR.
I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER.
YAKOV...
LET'S TALK.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
THERE'S NO ANSWER AT THE RUSSIAN CONSULATE,
AND THE U.N. THINKS I'M CRAZY.
FIND A RUSSIAN RESTAURANT.
SOMEBODY THERE MUST SPEAK RUSSIAN.
GREAT IDEA.
THANKS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. I'M GOING TO GET THE YELLOW PAGES.
I'M THIRSTY. HOW ABOUT YOU?
NO. THANK YOU.
I MUST HAVE HAD 6, 7 CUPS OF COFFEE THIS EVENING.
OH.
UH-OH.
UH-HUH.
HEY, LISTEN, DAN, IF YOU REALLY HAVE TO--
OK. JUST AN OFFER.
MAYBE I COULD WEAR A BLINDFOLD.
HEY, I'M SORRY I TOOK SO LONG,
BUT A PIPE BROKE IN THE MEN'S ROOM, AND I HAD TO FIX IT.
IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING-- WATER GUSHING EVERYWHERE,
EVERYTHING DRIPPING INTO POOLS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
START CUTTING.
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY MAKES ME CRAZY?
COCKTAIL PARTIES.
DON'T YOU HATE THEM?
IDLE CONVERSATION WITH PEOPLE YOU GOT NOTHING IN COMMON WITH.
YOU KNOW, YAKOV, EVEN THOUGH WE SPEAK DIFFERENT LANGUAGES,
I HAVE A FEELING THAT WE'RE THE SAME KIND OF PERSON.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT I SPEAK ENGLISH
AND YOU...
ARE COVERED WITH GASOLINE.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
SINCE WE'RE GOING TO BE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER,
WE MIGHT AS WELL BE PALS. I'M HARRY.
HARRY.
YAKOV. HARRY.
HARRY.
HARRY.
HARRY.
HARRY.
THAT'S IT. VERY GOOD. NOW, GIVE ME THE LIGHTER.
NO, NO, HARRY.
RIGHT.
YAKOV, WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT I AM YOUR FRIEND?
(SLOWLY) FRIEND.
YEAH. FRIEND.
UH, BUDDY. PAL.
COMRADE.
COMRADE.
YEAH. COMRADE. HARRY, COMRADE. COMRADE, FRIEND.
FRIEND,TOVARISCH.
YEAH.TOVARISCH,PAL.
PAL.
BUDDY.
GIVE ME THE LIGHTER, BUDDY.
NO WAY, JOSE.
YOU'VE BEEN SAVING THAT ONE, HAVEN'T YOU?
(LAUGHING)
BOY, THESE HANDCUFFS MUST BE MADE
OUT OF SOME OF YOUR HARDENED CARBON STEEL.
AND THIS WAS SEARS' BEST.
YOU'RE A RUSSIAN RESTAURANT.
I MEAN, SURELY THERE MUST BE SOMEBODY THERE WHO SPEAKS RUSSIAN.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE OWNER?
PERHAPS YOU COULD CALL HIM AND-- SHEIK WHO?
LOOK, RELAX, OK?
BULL SAID HE COULD HAVE A DUPLICATE KEY MADE BY MORNING.
Dan: WHAT?
YOU MEAN LIKE 5, 6 HOURS? THAT MORNING?
DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE THINKING ABOUT IT.
IF I COME UP WITH SOMETHING, I'LL COME RIGHT BACK.
YOU GOT TO EXCUSE ME. I GOT TO FIX THE SHOWER IN THE GUARDS' LOUNGE.
BEEN DRIPPING FOR ABOUT A MONTH NOW. I CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT.
DRIP, DRIP, DRIP. MUST LOSE 30, 40 GALLONS A DAY.
YOU DO? GREAT. I'VE GOT SOMEBODY WHO CAN SPEAK RUSSIAN.
LISTEN, CAN YOU GET DOWN TO THE CRIMINAL COURTS BUILDING RIGHT AWAY?
WE NEED A TRANSLATOR. WHAT? YOU'RE KIDDING.
HE'LL ONLY COME IF WE PLACE AN ORDER.
ORDER.
OK. I'LL TAKE SOME BORSCHT.
WHAT? IT'S A $20 MINIMUM ON TO-GO ORDERS.
OK. ORDER ME SOME BLINTZES. I'M STARVING.
OK. BORSCHT AND SOME BLINTZES AND-- ANYTHING TO DRINK?
UH-UH.
YAKOV, YOU'VE GOT TO PUT AN END TO THIS PRETTY SOON.
EVENTUALLY YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GET TIRED AND FALL ASLEEP,
OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET TIRED AND ACCIDENTALLY KILL US BOTH.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
YEAH. I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHTER, YAKOV.
YOU'VE GOT TO PUT AN END TO THIS,
IF NOT FOR YOUR SAKE, THEN FOR YOUR FAMILY.
NOW, SURELY YOU'VE GOT A FAMILY.
FAMILY.
FAMILY.
HERE. LOOK.
HERE'S MINE.
SEE? THAT'S MY AUNT RUTHIE,
AND THAT'S MY UNCLE OTTO,
AND THAT-- THAT IS DORIS DAY.
SHE CAME WITH THE WALLET.
YOU GOT ANY PICTURES?
PICTURES. FAMILY. YOU.
FAMILY.
FAMILY. FAMILY.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
YEAH?
OH, YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF BREZHNEV.
BREZHNEV?
(LAUGHING)
SONYA.
SONYA?
SONYA.
OH, YOUR WIFE. SONYA.
MY, WHAT A...STURDY WOMAN.
IS SHE IN NEW YORK?
NO NEW YORK. SONYA LENINGRAD.
SONYA'S IN LENINGRAD.
LENINGRAD.
OH.
LET ME GUESS. YOU CAME HERE TO GET A JOB
AND EARN ENOUGH MONEY TO BRING SONYA OVER TO BE WITH YOU,
BUT YOU COULDN'T FIND WORK, NOT SPEAKING THE LANGUAGE,
AND THEN ONE DAY YOU MET A MAN,
AND HE SOLD YOU SOME STUFF.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS STOLEN. HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU.
AM I CLOSE?
HUH?
WELL, IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
OH, I COULD BE WRONG.
YOU MAY HAVE INDEED KNOWN THAT THE STUFF WAS STOLEN,
BUT I DON'T THINK SO.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
OF A MAN WHO HAS SUCH A WOMAN AS SONYA.
SONYA.
SONYA AND...
3...DUMPY LITTLE KIDS.
YAKOV'S.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. PLEASE, PLEASE, HURRY.
THE FOOD WILL BE HERE IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
I'M GOING TO TRY AND LET HARRY KNOW
THAT THE INTERPRETER IS ON HIS WAY. SIT TIGHT.
HOW YOU DOING?
FINE.
IT REALLY IS JUST MIND OVER MATTER.
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT. THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
(EXHALES)
SAY, LIZ, WHAT'S THAT PERFUME YOU WEAR?
SOIREE. LIKE IT?
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
(DEEP BREATH)
LIZ?
YES?
I'M READY NOW.
I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
IT JUST QUIETED DOWN.
THE JUDGE WAS TALKING UP A STORM BEFORE.
ABOUT WHAT?
COCKTAIL PARTIES, UGLY KIDS...
DORIS DAY.
DORIS DAY?
HI.
Lana: HI. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?
(LIZ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
WHOA, HEY, WHAT A MESS. IT BROKE AGAIN.
NOBODY'S GOING TO BE USING THAT MEN'S ROOM FOR QUITE A LONG TIME.
YAKOV, WHAT'S THE POINT?
I CAN'T MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND.
I JUST HOPE THAT SOMEDAY YOU REALIZE
THAT THE PEOPLE YOU MET HERE WHO TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU
ARE NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF THIS COUNTRY
BECAUSE IN SPITE OF ALL ITS FAULTS,
MOST OF US TRULY BELIEVE THAT...
AMERICA WORKS.
MOST OF THE TIME.
HARRY. HARRY!
I'M RIGHT HERE, YAKOV.
HARRY?
HARRY.
THE VOLTAGE COMMUTATOR MUST HAVE TRIPPED THE EMERGENCY CUTOFF.
WE'LL BE DARK FOR HOURS.
GO FIGURE.
Lana: HARRY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. FINE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
SOMEONE GAVE ME A LIGHTER.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US, YAKOV AND I ARE GOING TO GO GET CLEANED UP.
RIGHT,TOVARISCH?
OK, BUDDY.
YOUR HONOR...
DON'T YOU WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING WITH HIM?
NO WAY, JOSE.
(LAUGHING)
YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
(LAUGHING)
PASS THE RED STUFF.
YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY.
WHAT DID YAKOV SAY THESE CRUNCHY THINGS WERE?
TOAD SOMETHING OR OTHER.
Harry: HEY, DAN,
HELP YOURSELF. THERE'S PLENTY LEFT.
DAN, HOW YOU FEELING?
WOO!